Friday, May 05, 2017

LLFH-The Fireplace

My love,

I’ve said those words a thousand times and never known what they meant until there was you. Every moment this pen dipped in the ink and shared its emotion it was just a shadow of what really was.  Scratched on the surface in shades of grey without the brilliance of color. 

Today I sit in front of the massive fireplace that brightens our nights and warms our flesh. The rich and warm colors of the curved, carved wood seem to generate the warmth they’ve inherited from our evenings together. As I trace my fingers over the wood surface memories spring to life under my fingertips.

I remember a night not too long ago and yet it seems like a lifetime ago where we discussed the very real and terrifying prospect of the health issues that plague me. The night shivered in the cold of the fear around us and you, desperate to warm me kept me close to your heart holding me, whispering to me.  This fireplace bore witness that night to the explosive growth of our hearts, how in a moment of fear we shared a moment of deepening love.  That somehow our love found another passageway deeper into our souls and we dove in together hand in hand.

I shiver at that memory because it reminds me of how much love we have. It tells me when I remember it how we went from lovers, to so much more if that were even possible. How you held me, whispering to me that it would be OK, that you would be here, would never leave.  I clung to those words my love, they were my lifeline in what you didn’t know was an encroaching darkness.  They were the singular glow in my life holding me up sustaining me, holding me, sometimes even carrying me.

In the nights to follow, and the months now we sat in front of this fireplace telling each other of our love, pushing the darkness away by our voices, and our light shared. The darkness tried so hard every night to claim what it wanted but it never succeeded; because you, because of us, because of our love.
Those words and actions have become my permanent beacon leading me always to you. Even now when I sit here alone thinking of you I feel you here.  Because I hear you.  I can hear those words as if they were whispered just now, and I touch my ear swearing your lips grazed my skin…

Love makes no sense my beloved, but in my life where I have wandered, wondered and doubted; it finally makes sense to me because it’s you. I throw another log on the fire making sure it burns warmly waiting for your presence.  Because every night we are together even when we’re apart; and my heart will for the rest of my life, welcome you home.  My beloved, my protector, defender, angel, love, lover and best friend.  You are my everything, you are truly “My Love”.

Forever your Muse in all worlds,


Cal

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

This is 45


[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]






i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart



i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I came here to write and as usual my mind went blank.  But just then my eyes flicked over to my other monitor to where an image that inspires me resides.  And suddenly I knew what I wanted to write about...


From a post I put on facebook 9-4-16:

I've spent the better part of 25 years beating myself up because I didn't have this, or look like that.... It's a sad sad world we live in that even still in this day and age a woman's worth is dictated by how she looks, or how well she ages. No I don't speak globally I have no message for "the world" but I speak today just for me. I give up the arguments of the past, the thoughts that held me down as to my appearance. I appreciate all those who tried to tell me I was ok before, but I couldn't listen. I was too weighed down by the ghosts of others thoughts. This month I turn 45 and I think this might be a good year for me. Love me, or don't but I'm finally beginning to love myself. That's all that matters really (and if we ever figure out time travel i'm going to tell that to my 18 year old self). A special thanks to one person in particular for letting me see through their eyes. Sometimes that is all we need. **hugs**

Yea.... that.  There is a person out there who has decided that he wants to be with me.  That despite my best efforts to sway him otherwise with my terror stories of all my faults and deficiencies that the whole package makes up a person that he loves, adores, wants to be with.  And when I realize somewhere along the journey we've been on that I want to be with him too I begin to see the thread that binds us.  That so many years ago began with a chance meeting, and kept us in the same circles all these years until the time was right to pull us together.

It seems that later in life, divinity has found a way to provide some peace or love to me. My goodness I've been through a lot (so have many), but to come through it on the other side relatively unscathed and with love as well?  I'm amazed by it.

I wanted to write some great tale packed with all the wisdom that I've accumulated over the years.  I wanted to say some brilliant thing that when someone comes here and reads they're bowled over by the profound understanding my words have given them. I wanted to pour my soul out and let people see inside so if they needed to see something real they could.

But all I can manage tonight is a thank you.  Thank you to the person who loves me without question, sees me as I am, and for who I am...and doesn't run away. The one who makes my heart sing and my spirit soar.  The one who looks at me with such passion that I'm left feeling naked and vulnerable and loved and warm all at once.  Thank you for giving me my life back.  For giving me my heart and for climbing right in there and sharing that space with me in all worlds...and for being here on my birthday; The best birthday ever... 

I love you so. 




(and as per my usual, the birthday pic... )


Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Sun - for Deb Loughlin

Today is a mixed emotions day. 

I know a wonderful man.  I used to work for him.  His name is Marty.  He has a beautiful family: a wife, wonderful kids.  4 years ago his wife was diagnosed with cancer.  He became her advocate.  Then when their son was also diagnosed with cancer he became their champion. Together as a family they fought bravely and passionately.  They grew in their faith, their bond deepening. 

I knew Deb through Marty. I knew her to be full of smiles and joy. I knew her love for her family was never ending and her faith abundant. 

Today, she left this world.

The news caught me at work. I never thought with her passion and fighting and faith that this day would come. So the news had me reeling. I was left very sad for Marty and his family who even despite this profound loss are posting of the joy she was in their lives. Their testament is beautiful to witness. 

Today I cry sad tears for the immense loss the world suffers. To know a woman like Deb even vicariously is to know sheer and utter joy. To miss that joy leaves an infinite well of sadness I can't quite explain.  But I know that her words touched me.  Her light, smiles, faith, willingness to fight and grace through such hardship touched me. The human spirit is tenacious and the heart limitless.  

I never had the pleasure of being her friend or knowing her deeply like others; but I mourn the loss of her light.  The world would be a far better place if people lived and loved like this family does.

Some of you know I do Virtual Theater.  The Golden Touch has been my safety and comfort in a very harsh world. I've learned through my work here and with charitable organizations like Relay for Life of what it means to love with no limits. This is a lesson Deb shared with me through her words, through Marty, through her joy. She touched me without ever seeing me and I am forever blessed for having known her.

As I expressed my grief a song began to play and I began to feel lightness. This song made me think of this wonderful woman, now an exquisite angel, watching over us all.  It fits her perfectly and while the tears will still come, there is also... a bit of sun.  

My prayers and love to her family, friends, extended friends, and strangers united through her.  We are all connected.  



Sun - Thomas Bergersen

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Enjoying Life...



Tentatively I've started writing again.  Recently I've had some inspiration and help in this endeavor.  As the picture shows, everyday when I open a new tab on my browser I'm presented with a beautiful image, and an opportunity to put what I want to focus on for the day.  Today, I chose "Enjoying the day".

Sometimes I come here and work out my darkness.  Sometimes even when I intend to be the bearer of light those little whispers of what lurks in the corners of my mind sneak out and I look and the whole post is about some anxiety or drama.

Not today.

Today I slept in until well after 8am, having slept the whole night through.  I haven't done that in ages. I woke to the sound of a name on my lips and to love in my heart.  My mind woke up energized and ready to begin creating.  I woke up without pain, without fear, without dread.  And I realized that this has been the way of things lately.  And I am grateful for it.

For a month now I've wanted to come here and post how joy in my life has manifested itself.  But in the way that overwhelming emotion will do, I come here and stare at a blank page hoping my hand can accurately paint what's in my heart.  And my hand is not so expressive at art as my heart is... so the page remained blank.  But my heart sang and remained full.

What joy there is to be had.

To have the simple pleasure of sleep embrace me and surround me.  To have love in every cell of my being.  To give love to everyone I meet because for the first time in a very long time my heart is overflowing.  To have no expectations of deeds, perfection, or lofty goals....  To just "BE" is an exquisite treat.

Love can be a beautiful thing.  I think we, as a society, have grown afraid of it's expression.  Because in that there is a naked honesty that leaves us vulnerable.  But I am not afraid.  That's not to say I haven't felt the nagging fears that have been my companion all my life whispering at my ear.  But those are fears of me, of my body, of my experiences, not of sharing love.  The love that is offered is so genuine even those whispers stand in quiet awe of that pure expression I receive daily in my heart.

I have no plans.  There is no rush to "end game", there is just this moment.  And when I woke this morning fully in the moment, I realized I have been blessed.  And like a child whose mind begins to soak up all the goodness without the fear that chokes so many, I let myself revel in it.  I played in the field of emotion laid before me.  I sang silly songs and found silly pictures gushing with loves profession.  And when I realized tomorrow is my birthday I came here immediately to say to you all....   Life is good.  And even if this is just for a day or a month or whatever; it is good.  I accept it and I reciprocate.

I love.



Wednesday, September 16, 2015

This is 44



When I want to write, nothing comes; when I have no time to write I am inundated with all the things I would say.  Eloquent phrases and literary works of art spring to mind to torment me knowing I have no outlet to express them.  At least not at that minute.

I visited a site today that I've been on for 12 years now (holy crap!).  It's called Allpoetry.  And since 2003 I've been posting poems there.  Granted I've been absent for a few years here and there but I always go back.  I was quite prolific back in the day.  I don't find the time/energy/look a new shiney!/writers block gets me/space to write as much anymore.

But I wanted to today.  And I fear even this post, on paper as it were, will be lacking the creative perfection that these same words seem to carry as they careen about in my head.

Two years ago, I took a picture or two or 10 displaying for all who would see what my version of 42 looked like.  No, I wont post them here.  I'm not going to take pictures this year.  In fact I have no CLUE what I'm going to do to ring in 44.  It's not a particularly special number now is it?  It's not even halfway to the big 5-0.  But you know, I never really celebrate my birthday anyway.  I learned early on that it really didn't matter (and not because it didn't matter but because people never showed).  It wasn't until I met people online who showed me the importance of the day of my birth. I've yet to bring that special feel, here outside, in reality.

Jesus I sound so melancholy.  *erases everything*

Right fuck that age crap.  yes I'm turning 44 but god damn do I feel good!

I still suffer depression
I still suck at getting in touch with people who are not online
I still suck at sitting down and writing that damn novel
I'm still overweight (which really sucks honestly)

But I have love.

^ Yea that.  So what could be wrong? Right here in this moment, where I sit typing away at my computer there isn't a damn thing wrong. I'm not melancholy, I'm not angry, I'm actually happy.

So all you guys get is my random sputterings, but hopefully you get the message.  All is well, and I have love.  And that is the single most important thing to me.  (Well that and bacon...)