Remembrance

The day awoke in a mood of grey blanketed with cold, non threatening but looming clouds. At various times in my commute, I listened to music, I reflected on conversations, and ultimately became the witness to my own past as we so often do. I stood under the cover of my building having received a ride from a friend who runs a cab, who so wonderfully gave it to me free today. I sent thanks and prayers on for his safety and comfort and business today. And I watched the clouds caress the grey sky and a song hit my ipod truly bringing the day home.


Three years ago today, I had a surgery to save my life. Every year I celebrate the gift of my life on the day of my surgery because on that rather ordinary day when I woke up, I had not expected to be alive. But I did wake up, and I was, am still alive. I am thankful every year for the expert hands of the surgeons who tirelessly worked to save me. I am thankful my last words to them before I went under that I painfully struggled to say to them whispered though they were “Thank you for saving my life” were heard. I didn't know why at the time, I was so lost and confused in what was going on in my body. But I knew at that moment when I whispered those words as they held my hand and blissful sleep overcame me, that I had wanted to live. See, I had worried about that. Cancer will do that to you. It will rob you of the things you know and expect in life and alters your life course so severely that you wonder if you'll ever get on the right track again.


Just three days before this surgery I had prayed in my blog, openly, publicly:

“Please help me to get rid of this fear that chokes me so much. Please help me to find my place of peace Monday so the last thing I remember when I go under is light, love, or happiness or all of the above. Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long.

Please help me to just get through Monday and know that everything else will fall into place. Let me believe my own words that I’ve said to so many people “Everything happens for a reason”, let me believe them.

And please, send your angels to watch over me, that when I’m having things removed, that their hands help the doctors so there are no accidents, that their thoughts help the doctors should their be any complications due to my weight, that their hearts beat with the doctors so they know that this person on this table is someone’s friend, someone’s daughter and they put everything into helping me live. But mostly, send your angels to hold my hand so the loneliness I feel quite often in my waking life doesn’t find me in the limbo I will be in during this surgery. Just let them hold my hand. “

They did that day and have ever since. On days like today where I reflect on the changes my life has been through, I can almost hear them. When I hear her laugh and feel her happiness I can see them in her eyes. When I look in his eyes and see his sincerity that just leaves no room for doubt and fears of my own, I can almost feel their hand on my heart.

“And one last thing, please give those who care for me peace as they wait anxiously with me for my surgery to be done, the results to be received, and the recovery to go smoothly. Make sure all those waiting know that it will be ok no matter what. “

While the people in my life who were there that day have changed faces, I still remember my mother, and Jessie. Jessie was a remarkable woman who suffered incredibly from cancer at age 27. She lived online and gave as much as she could to all she touched. These few pitiful words do not do her the justice she deserves, as when I think about her I swell with longing to hear her laugh, pain at her loss, and happiness for her peace. How can you describe what only the heart knows, in the language it alone knows the best?

But there she was this morning just as she was that day.

“I'll hold my right hand over my left like Mark said I should, because Jessie will be holding my hand too. I'll do all of it to find that place of peace.

I take you all with me today, in my heart.” (October 9, 2006)

As I clasped my hand over mine feeling her holding my hand, before the surgery and when I woke up later I knew she was there.

So I stood under the gray sky blanketed by clouds and turned away from the street lest anyone see me as I quietly cried in part sadness for the immeasurable loss this world suffers for not having Jessie in it, and in part happiness that not only do I have my life but that despite a few hiccups along the way is going so remarkably well. I turned up the song on my iPod and stood with my eyes closed sending gratitude for the time I had with her, gratitude for my life, and a profound sense of peace not clouded by sadness, but warm like an embrace.

There will be emotions today, there always are but life goes on and indeed for me and still for Jessie in spirit at least, it most surely does...

“Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long. “

I had no idea these words at the time I wrote them, were the tiny spark of hope inside me. I had no idea then, but I get it now. I understand the fire and warmth that those words have blossomed into for me, as part of my LIFE right...now.

Freedom without fear

...I accept

Muse

hear you me

by jimmy eat world

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that'thought
I might get one more chance

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless
angels lead you in

So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in
(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

Year end review; Goodbye 2008

When I think of this past year, I think of major change. A lot can occur in twelve months, a relatively short time in number, but in time it can either feel like an eternity or zip by in a blink.

It has taken me a few weeks to think of and write my end of year post. I wasn’t sure how to word what I wanted to say, wasn’t sure how much I WANTED to say and no matter how I thought about it; I seemed to trip over my words like a newborn unable to walk properly.

In my previous two years, End of year posts, I listed several aspirations. The idea was nice, it felt good and it served me well in the past two years. I actually did do some of the things I set out to do and for those that I didn’t do, I felt no guilt (very important for someone like me :P). But the really important things never got worked. Sure there were some that ranked pretty high on my list of things to do, but the health ones never got worked.

So despite last year’s constant change, (the events and trials of which I won’t bother to recount)…I have decided to focus on only one goal this year. One constant to try and balance the chaos that sometimes surrounds my life.

This year I will get healthy.

It’s multi-layered in its design. Healthy to me means, losing weight, balancing a healthy spirituality and really delving into what makes me happy; Spiritual, mental, and physical health.

I suffer from depression. It’s not constant, but when it hits usually because of any number of mundane things that transpire, it can deeply affect me. This depression acts as a catalyst for apathy, allowing the goals and ideas I have set aside to practice or do, to just…sit there untended.

In order to work on the mental side of my ‘get healthy” new year resolution/aspiration/goal. I will attack my depression. I have two blogs, this one and another http://serane.wordpress.com that I can utilize to password protect posts if I need to express something less desirable (blogspot does not allow for password protection I don’t believe). I will write everyday. Even if it’s just in my private journal, even if it’s just two words, I will write everyday.

In order to work on the spiritual side of my “get Healthy” new year resolution/aspiration/goal, I will dive into the practices I’ve read about for so many years but only practiced every once in a while. Specifically to start, with meditation. I get up early enough and have help around the house now (thank you Lonny!) that I have a little bit more time in the mornings. 10 minutes shouldn’t be that hard to find to sit quietly.

In order to work on the health side of my “get healthy” new year resolution/aspiration/goal, I will attack my depressive tendencies with regards to my physical health. I will walk more, I will eat less, I will eat better, and I will find things to do to keep me occupied, and keep me stimulated when I get bored. This is by far the hardest part of it; finding ways to keep occupied (especially at work). Even while watching TV I find that I’m idle and in comes the mentality of wanting to eat something.

I find that within me is a little girl who has been let loose to do whatever she wants for a very long time. And now it’s time to take the control I love to exert in other areas in my life, to her and show her the good side of accomplishment as opposed to the good (but temporary) feeling of doing whatever I want, which will inevitably kill me…

Wish me luck.

Exercise for the brain; spirit; intellect

We all get hopped up on exercise, exercise; but what we forget is that like any good exercise routine, we need to exercise all the other aspects of who we are. If we indulge in the darkness or stagnation of depression, emotions, fears; we run the risk of apathy. That and of course, the other emotion despondency.

I’ve missed blogging here. It was trying sometimes to be upbeat when I felt down, but I still did it, and I was happier. I was happier because I forced myself to think positive, feel positive even when I wasn’t. It didn’t always fix things but it seemed to make them better at times. Perhaps that’s half the battle?

So now I maintain the two blogs; this one and the one where I can post my private thoughts. That’s all that was missing really, the place I could be me, dark, sad whatever, without bringing everyone down. Now I have both halves of the circle…my Yin and Yang of blogging and that makes me happy.

Be Well

Well Wishes
May every moment of each day surprise you with the gift of hope.


And Remember
If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person. If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house. If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation. If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world. -- Chinese Proverb

Full Circle

I've been running. I don't mean the healthy kind. I mean the kind where you just can't deal with something and so you tuck it away to the back recesses of your mind. The kind of running wherejust even seeing something makes you uncomfortable and itchy and feel strange.

What I don't know is why i've been running. I've had since the leaving of this blog...3, THREE other blogs and in each one I said the same things, did the same things (well i DID add a few) that I do here. So why is this one the red headed step child?

I used to think it was because I couldn't password protect posts (and in some measure it was) but I think it's more than that.

If I wanted to leave the blog, I would have deleted, simply...gone. But I didn't. And now I'm back. What an perplexing situation.

If I know anything, it's that I know nothing at all... but I do know just one thing, this tiny thing...

I'm back.

Serane's Serenity

WOW, it's been forever since I posted here. I am not beginning to post here again; however I did want to refresh this blog with a post to my current one. If any of you are long time readers you know I switched to Wordpress last year. The blog I made then has since been closed, and a new one started. I've posted both links at the top of this page in case you wish to read either of them. You never know what you'll see so if you have some time, grab some coffe and have a look into my life...I share it without shame.

Love, Light and Peace

LadyMuse

This blog has moved....

My blog has moved! I have decided to finally make the switch to Wordpress for a few of the features they have, that blogspot doesn’t have. You’ll find my new blog at http://celestialapprentice.wordpress.com. Take a look at the pages of the blog (a nice new feature) and see what you think.

Eventually I will be moving goddess works also. Though both ldymuse and goddessworks will remain here, they do so for history sake until I can back them both up.

Make sure you read all the pages of the Celestial Apprentice’s pages as there is some good information there… See you there!

Finally, SOMEONE said it...

The BEST article in the world today, is right here (or on Fox News, whichever you choose).

Grrr! Vick Finds Jesus in Record Time
Tuesday , August 28, 2007
By Mike Straka

Your GRRRs Things That Make Me Go Grrr! The GRRR! Book

"We all make mistakes," said Michael Vick. "Dogfighting is a terrible thing and I reject it ... I found Jesus and turned my life over to God. I think that's the right thing to do as of right now." Gee, that didn't take long.

I didn't think the curtain on the "finding Jesus" act would rise until after Vick went to jail, but alas, it came on the same day he made his plea deal official.

It took Paris Hilton a few hours in the slammer before she met Jesus, and Vick does it even before lockup. Who knew? He must have hired Hilton rep Elliot Mintz as his spokesman over the weekend.

Let's face it. Vick loves dogfighting. He loves the rush it gives him to see dogs that he helped to train maul and kill other dogs. Even his own father and grandfather say as much — although their witness to Vick's character is about as solid as Vick's future in football.

When ConVick's dogs didn't perform well, he killed them in a "collective" effort that amounted to electrocution and drowning, and when electricity or water were too much to ask for, he and his cohorts "collectively" body-slammed man's-best-friend to death.

"I made a mistake in using poor judgment and making bad decisions," he said.

Poor judgment? Keyshawn Johnson used poor judgment by writing a book in which he espoused on his greatness on the field. That's poor judgment, especially after you start dropping passes.

Bad decisions? Terrell Owens stuffing a Sharpie in his pants and autographing a football during a game is a bad decision.

What Vick did is called breaking the law. Committing a crime. Intentionally killing a living creature. For that, prosecutors recommend 12 to 18 months.

That's half the time Andrew Burnett got for grabbing a little bichon frise named Leo off its owner's lap and throwing the dog into oncoming traffic after a road rage incident seven years ago.

At least Burnett had the "road rage" defense. Vick's involvement in killing dogs had nothing to do with emotions. That decision was made in order to cut losses. Why pay to feed and house dogs that don't perform well?

He said we all make mistakes, but ask him to be honest, and he might tell you the only mistake he made was that he associated with the wrong types of people, and in the end, that's what got him caught. Don't forget, if Vick's cousin hadn't been involved with drugs, the dogfighting operation would never have been discovered while investigating Vick's Virginia property. And if you look back to Vick's initial statements, about associating with the wrong types of people, he was clearly aiming to let those people take the fall for him.

It's kind of like Lindsay Lohan eyeballing the owner of the SUV she allegedly hijacked a few weeks ago while saying to cops, "I wasn't driving, officer. Go on guys, tell him I wasn't driving." "I'm going to have a lot of downtime," Vick said before walking off the podium. You can say that again, Michael.

Things That Make Me Go Grrr!
The other day I read a story in one of the papers of record about two athletes who were raking in endorsement deals to the tune of over $1 million a year.

They are volleyball players who happen to be a couple. And while I applaud them for their athletic prowess and believe that they deserve to rake in whatever the market will bear for their services as spokespeople, I began to wonder what made them so attractive to sponsors.

Was it their success on the beach? Well, yes. But it goes deeper than that. Put simply, they attract an audience. A very desirable audience. In the business they call it the "demo," that much coveted 18-to-34 age group. This group presumably makes all of their long-term buying decisions during this time of their lives, when brand loyalty is akin to friendship.

But why do advertisers constantly choose athletes for these deals? Or pop stars? How many athletes (Michael Vick — duh) end up burning their endorsement sponsors with bad behavior?

How about Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears?

What will happen when everybody who is endorsing a product crashes and burns in some way, shape or form? And, is there anybody out there bulletproof? We know athletes, actors and singers — all attractive to sponsors — are not. How about bloggers? They have broad reach, but half of these people we never really "meet," or even know what they look like, so there's too much mystery surrounding them.

Maybe we should begin seeing commercials from Cirque du Soleil performers. First, the troupe is visually stunning. Second, it is family-friendly. Third, there is no one person who stands out in any performance, hence zero ego. And fourth, they make up their own language, so even if they did do anything stupid, we wouldn't know it.

But most of all, with 50 or more performers per commercial, nobody is getting stupid rich, which will probably alleviate most of the stupid things that stupid rich people do, more and more often these days.