*Warning* Rant complete with cursing inside....

I sit here today at my desk so empty. I cleaned it out yesterday after yesterday’s events. I wish to god I had money because I would have quit yesterday. I would have walked out right then and there. I mean I’m hanging onto this job because they helped me get my apartment and they helped me sell my house, but it is THEY who now micro manage me and call it business. I mean in one breath they tell me how much they respect, trust and have faith in me. Then in the next breath they’re telling me I have to keep track of everything I do and how long it took, etc etc etc. I make $12/hour for Christ’s sake, could you cut me a little slack here? Then to see emails being sent around that the reason an appointment didn’t get set is because they were wanting on me to print the paperwork?!??! The documents hadn’t even been approved. Oh wait is that my job too? Approve documents, track their appointments, make sure all their paperwork is filled out because they’re lazy fucks, answer their phones, do their audits and listen while they yell because they’ve been sitting for so long cuz I’m buried, make their telemarketing calls because they have a god complex, do their implementation and take them blame when shit goes wrong because they didn’t care to provide me information and their contacts are just as bad and oh yes, can’t forget the most important one… Make the coffee in the morning. They track internet usage now, so I can’t even surf Utopia Skye which is one of the only three places I went on the internet. I could get in trouble fr posting this even but it couldn’t wait. I went home yesterday in the midst of another panic attack heart racing can’t breathe AGAIN. And you know when it started? When I got in the office. This has to change. I am sure that if I wasn’t seeking an increase in pay I could find better work that didn’t send me to my grave. This is just degrading and disgusting.. All this for $12 an hour???????

Beyond that my mother is worried for me as are a few of my friends…. At least those I’ve let in on the goings on in my life. I won’t post them here being a public forum.

I hate my job, and I’m not seeing too much else today worth anything in my life.


Random poetry...

With ear splitting noise the glass castle shatters
Still shackled to reality the little girl inside cries in her stone prison
Outside the reality called fiction crumbles away
Revealing a bleak world
With sense enough to think "what happened?"
She cries deeper sorrows for her life
Tears falling upon cold stone
While unguarded by the glass castle
Madness seeps in…
©SKW

There's more than one answer to these questions...

I love that Indigo Girls song:

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine...

What an awesome song. I've not been a big indigo girls fan, but that song in particular struck me... always has.

So today I go to my car and note that it's freezing cold. Did you hear me? *I* was cold. that's almost unheard of. Takes me forever to warm up. I think just before I turned into the parking lot I started to warm up. I get out of my car and close the door.... And slide perfectly doing a semi half split landing on my right knee when my body realizes it can't do the splits anymore. My knee hurts so bad. It's my right knee and it is just burning right now cuz I cut the skin badly. Did I mention that yesterday I cut my left knee on my drawer at work? *sigh*

Pretty much sums up how I feel. Yesterday was good. I looked good, work even went good. I got home, got in game and it went to shit quickly. Too bad I can't say why, since this is a public place. But suffice to say that aside from game drama, the reality of my life is that the only three men in my life... all have issues that pretty much removes them from being contendors in this race we call relationships. If there was one change in one of them, perhaps it could work. But it's either not important to him, or important but not important enough to overcome fear (I hope it's just this and not contentedness, because that just would make me feel like @$#%@#!). One I think is just a lost cause (I say think because he doesn't even seem to want to learn after my telling him directly about communication and it's importance to me). I mean he can't even call me! *laughs sarcastically* and THAT'S the local one. Figures... YAY go me. And the other well there are just so many incompatibilities. It would take a *lot* of work I think to come to middle ground (not that he's not willing to see my point of view, as far as that goes he's very open, but I dont think I can handle some of the things he has going on).

So, here I am back to square one. Afraid to go anywhere because that means being away from my computer for very long, tied to the computer which has no love for me, surrounded by "friends" who love me (and I love them too) but no one here with me (And I mean not even a local friend who plays online. Someone I could just go and hang with who understands the importance of my online life to me. All my real life friends except for one wonderful woman and her family, dont get this online life of mine. So when they want to see me they want me away from the computer and they want hours with me. I mean what could we possibly talk about for hours ??? I can't think of anything. Not to mention the fact that before when we did talk for hours, we were under the influence and I dont want that anymore). Now beyond a friend, I want someone I can hug. Someone who might have an interest in me, even if just budding, that maybe I could feel special with. You know, I know I seem to obsess on this, but god dammit i *DESERVE* to be loved. I suffered 10 years in a marriage destined to go nowhere and before all the major problems surfaced that caused me to turn inward, I was devoted, caring etc. Ask anyone... Now since then and during the end of that, I did it right. I held to my vows, never straying, while he had his girlfriend and got EVERYTHING i wanted, love, a good paying job (which i might add he NEVER had while we were married, it was alwyas up to me AND I delivered). Then just after all that I get fortunate enough to meet two who think they may have it in their hearts to be with me and actually come to meet me. I dont know what happened there, but they're not here, and these are folks I got along with REALLY REALLY well. I mean one of them we used to send 5-8 emails back and forth a day. We had so much in common. The other, we talked for hours, sometimes even sleeping on the phone together because we just didn't want to hang up. That's not just idle passion or online temporary love, you know? But it wasn't enough I guess. Now i have these three and well I've just listed their issues above.

And I'm not getting any younger.

I think secretly I hoped that someone would work with me so that I felt it was ok to go beyond my past and have kids. I think that perhaps those that say I would be a good mother are right. If I can get past this shit that keeps me down (whether my own or some other issue) then yes, I think I could be... and NO i do not hear a biological clock ticking. But I do realize more so now than ever, that I'm not invincible and life isn't forever. I think as teens and 20 somethings you dont think that it could end. Or if it did it just seems so unlikely "yours" could end. In my opinion anyway. But the minute I hit 30, I realized and could see what had happened to me, what I had done, how quickly time passes me, and was able to have a little better vision of what i want.

I dont want the knight on the white horse, I want a partner, a friend, a lover. That's it. I'm not looking for riches, but security. Not fantasy but a pleasant reality where it's not a struggle to get out of bed everyday.

And lest you all think I'm some desperate freak I'll leave it at that.


Random poetry...
When we were a simple vision
a gleam in someone's eye
the whispers start
"You're beautiful, special, wondrous"
How quickly then into the harsh world
we learn that that voice of love is just a voice
life with it's callous hands holds our soft flesh
trying to mimic a hug of love
but offering sandpaper reality
grinding away at the beauty of truth
offering blinders to ease our sight
sight, that it took away
lifetimes spent seeking that voice
that whisper of beauty
that treasure hidden deep
...but I dont have a map
and i'm tired
I think i'll lie down and sleep
for the rest of my life...
©SKW

Wednesday... Hump day heh

dont feel like saying much




random poetry
words, they're just tiny letters
why then shrink in fear away from them
carry the weight a thousand stones
emotions pressed against my chest
I cannot breathe
c
l
u
t
c
h
i
n
g
my chest
breathe d......e.......e......p
Gasping they tumble out spilling secrets
overflowing the rim of the cup they rested in for so long
blah blah blah blah
running...where are they going?
running on until incoherent
truth?
I think not
they are after all, just words
©SKW

Tuesdays child was... what?

Sometimes I could write volumes and then other times I can't write a thing...


so today I can't write a thing.


Random Poetry

parallel universe; life exists
through the looking glass I peek
so happy am I smiling
reaching to hug the life I have
children, marriage, happiness
(wow I had no idea)
Sunny skies azure dreams
while rain soaks my shoulders
grey reality
wiping the glass it fogs up as I breathe
still reminders of life presently
grey.

©SKW

Valentine's day...

I had this whole thing written out and this STUPID DSL at work erased it all...

so... forget it


Thankfully i'm functioning with half a brain today and copied my random poetry.


Strike soft the match, touching the wick
feel the burn flare, the passionate twist
admire the wax, it's sculpted form
so beautiful so different than all the norm
feel the warmth of light so close
akin to that light so many call hope
tiny yet powerful in its own right
just one light to brighten my night
watching, catching my shimmering tear's journey
streaking down my face in such a hurry
in that tear rest all my hopes and dreams
these... are a few of my hidden, favorite things.
too bad then i have no one to share them with
except this little light, that would hear my wish
I know dear santa just didn't have time
to send me my true love, he had so many to find
so on this candle whispered from my heart
i offer my love issuing forth out of this dark
that it would alight on some far away shore
to bring me with haste my love forevermore
@};-
©SKW

Rainy days and Mondays Always get me down...

Heh I remembered that line from a song by the Carpenters that I've never heard fully. Strange how the mind works eh?

I hate mondays... just so you know


I also hate when I am stupid and allow myself to do stupid things like not go to bed Saturday night at ALL finally falling asleep sunday night at like 9:30 or 10. I mean really what the hell am I thinking? Not only is that bad for my body but for my emotional stability too... I had a huge blow up with someone in game who just kept pushing and pushing and saying mean things to me enough so and so many times over the past few weeks, that i've actually cried over it. Well last night he pushed me too far. Add to that my lack of sleep and you literally have a bomb of epic proportions exploding all over WoW. The end result is he is now on ignore on all of my characters... But I have to say, I pride myself on being diplomatic. I was NOT in any way shape or form diplomatic at all. i was a rabid psycho bitch foaming at the mouth throwing anger everywhere. I mean I think I let go of a TON of pent up anger. While my points in some cases were valid to him in partiulcar the minute you lose social graces and lack of consideration any validity in an arguement you have it thrown out the window. now all he'll remmber of me is that in the end I lost it like a psycho when really it was his fault to begin with. *sigh*

Another one, in a growing number of folks who will hate me.

Other than that I've met a few new folks online and had some great experiences this weekend with them, which is part of te reason I stayed up all night. You can actually get drunk in game!!! And oh my GOD did my character Silore get wasted!!! lmao. It was funny! Man my bosses are here... Have to get back to work for the man who doesn't even pay me enough to pay my rent... More later. maybe


Random poetry

When I see the glowing green lights
my mind blinks sleepy
no awareness of the day
only numb
I want to wake up from this dream
silent whispers speak
"But are you ready?"
my only answer
"no"

©SKW

Love Story - Part Deux

there is a post here, something about wednesday's child (Cant' remember the date) . For those of you actually reading my blog (har har) you might want to read that entry for this... it's like a sequel of life if you will. (Ok so a bit dramatic there but i felt like it :P)

So the man who entered my life causing many people to know me only as "love story" on a very large message board has re-entered my life. Read that post, and you'll see he swept me off my feet so damn good I didn't even realize it until two days later when I finally allowed myself to admit it. In either case he didn't call, didn't write (didn't bring me flowers *hears sappy love music*). I know I know I'm trying to be light because his actions or lack thereof really hurt me. In any event I feel like he woke me up. He woke me up right at the highest point of soaring on the clouds. I mean, I GOT IT. I knew right there how special I really was. Unfortunately he woke me right at the top let me look for a second in love's drunken stupor then promptly dropped me on my ass.

and that's a big ass....


Anyway. Three holidays later I called him once again. I dont know why. In the back of my mind I told myself that it was to tell him that you just dont do that topeople... You dont engage them in such a manner and then turn away, that I didn't know what kind of people he deals with normally but where I come from (civilized world) that's just rude. In any event, he answered. More later...

Been a long time eh?

Where to begin. I'm not even sure. Sometimes I feel my life is spiraling out of control. Other times I'm good to go. I haven't the energy to do the radio in forever.... by now folks have likely forgotten the muse at least on air. I was so sick yesterday that I didn't even do anything until at least 5pm. And for the first time ever, Twice now I've spoken the words I wish I would just die. Not since high school have I said those words. Everyday is a struggle with life for me. I dont know if I'm manic, bipolar, or just plain suffering from good old fashioned depression, but something has to give.

I know that being online so much kills me. But I also know that being online is where my friends are. I have very few friends that aren't online. I wouldn't even begin to know what to do with myself if I weren't online. And when I think of all the folks I've met because I've been online it breaks my heart to think of never talking to them or only limted conversation. I look at people my age and wonder how do they do it? And of the folks I've seen, the answer is clear... they're not online.. Or if they are they're not gaming. They're using online for email, surfing for information etc, but I guarantee you they're not using the online world as much as I do. *sigh*

Random I know... more to come later


Random poetry comin atcha


So many times I've wished to die
Using his excuse as my reason
He caused, He did, He made this
he did...but who perpetuates
Tears of azure slip down my cheek
am I really that simple to feel so lost?


(ok so that sucks but it's random what did you expect, cya)