Musings...

Monday; Infusion of Calm

2011-09-12T09:53:00.000-05:00

So I've been through another surgery. Apparently I've come through it 100% successful. (In the back of my mind, I have to ask did I really doubt? With a name like P.O.E.M. did I *really* doubt it?). The answer is no, but that doesn't mean I wasn't afraid. And boy was I.

First thanks I must give to my mother. For putting up with me for the two days I turned into a nightmare. And for saving my life many times over. Also thanks to *Victor, Azza, Moggy, D.O, T.T, A.R, A.W, N.E, C.B for thinking of me, calling me, texting me checking in on me. I didn't really think there were that many who cared. I was wrong... Thank you.
*Names are abbreviated or not real names, they know who they are the public world doesn't need to know.

So today I'm trying to plan a return to work, and well looking at things a bit differently it seems than before. I'm not smoking, which was a blessed side effect of the surgery (One I was hoping on as a fail safe since I couldn't quit smoking before the surgery). That brings me to my current living situation. I live with a smoker. It was why I couldn't quite before, I hope fervently I will not succumb once I return home.

It is clear to me changes to my life need to be made. Not just for my health physcially, but also in other ways. Realizations are opportunities for change, and I'm hoping I have the strength to face these changes well. I'm turning 40, there is no better time than now to start living. One step at a time...

"54 Earth. Music by Paul Collier. an Alpha to Delta brainwave entrainment..."

Healing begins; Breathe & Meditate with Marcome - Relaxing Soothing Music

2011-09-10T13:31:00.001-05:00

Two days after surgery, I'm amazed at how little pain I'm in. Like a child I sit in wonder at the medicines of the world & the technologies that allow us to do such things... And at the crossroads I sit, in awe of medical technology and reflecting on the past few days. Time to dust off the meditation pillow, I have a lot to work on it appears to me.

Thanks though to friends who were there, I would have been lost without you. <3

Angel's Breath by Paul Collier; Emerging Courageous

2011-09-07T07:28:00.002-05:00

Emerging Courageous; Walking through Your Fear

Frequently, in walking through our fear, we discover that the strength of our fright was out of sync with reality.

The situations, activities, and individuals that frighten us remain static. Their relative intensity does not change. Fear, on the other hand, self-magnifies. It is when you are afraid and envisioning all that might go wrong that the energy underlying your fear grows. A tiny flicker of anxiety can easily develop into a terror that manifests itself physically and eventually paralyzes you into inaction. Though frequently, in walking through that fear, we discover that the strength of our fright was out of synch with reality. And we learn that doing what frightens us can lead to great blessings. Confronting your trepidation head-on will help you accept that few frightening scenarios will ever live up to the negative disasters that we sometimes play out in our minds.

Though fear is literally an evolutionary gift meant to sharpen your senses and energize you during times of great stress, it can nonetheless become a barrier that prevents you from fulfilling your potential by causing you to miss out on rewarding, life-changing experiences. During the period before you face your fear, you may have to deal with a barrage of negative thoughts and emotions. Walking through it, whether your fear is public speaking, taking part in an activity that makes you nervous, or asserting yourself when the odds are against you, may be equally as difficult. But once you have emerged unscathed on the other side, which you will, you will likely wonder why you assumed the worst in the first place. As you spend time worrying about what might happen, it’s good to know that your fear probably won’t happen at all. It may feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders, and you will likely feel a sense of passionate pride. Walking through your fear can! mean taking risks and can require both practice and patience. Since it is challenging to act when you are gripped with fear, start small.

Each step you take into fear will strengthen you and help you confront future fears with poise, courage, and confidence. You will also find that when you are willing to stare your fear in the face, the universe will always offer you some form of aid or support. When you see the heights of accomplishment and personal evolution you can attain when you walk through your fears, your faith in yourself will grow, allowing your next step to be easier.

So true for me as of late....Tomorrow is the surgery. I dont hold hands with fear so far today, though it was my companion yesterday evening. Lets hope I can remain unafraid all day today & through tomorrow.

Adele - Someone Like You; for someone special

2011-09-06T07:34:00.003-05:00

It's funny that the closer I get to 40 the more reflective I get.

I recently was turned on to this artist whose voice is amazing. Not only that her music is lovely. the lyrics are usually spot on and at a particularly low point in my life, I heard some of her works that truly spoke to me. Last week I hit a very very low point. As I came out of that, I heard this song and it brought back some very powerful memories and some equally powerful realizations.

Now two days before another surgery I find myself reflecting on things & again this song came up in my playlist.

Many years ago ( I can't believe how long ago now!) I met a man online. A relationship started early on and developed over time to something quite deep. There are many parts of this story but the most important is how he moved me. I don't think back when it was going on I realized just how much he moved me...

Years later, knowing his life has moved on and realizing mine in some ways has not I find this piece to be particularly inspiring. How do you describe to people what a perfectly woven piece of fabric in your life feels like? How do you explain someone knowing you so well that you discover pieces of yourself you didn't know existed while you piece the fragments of a life together?

When things ended, decision were made by me in haste that cost me dearly. I realize I made those choices. But even those pains are not so fresh as to make me hurt. They are part of a (Dare I say love Story?) story that has a beginning, middle and end. The story is steeped in seeming fairytale, promises, joy, endings, and lingering emotions.

I miss him. I miss what we had that so long ago seemed perfect. I know what would be today would be different and I know even more so as my heart aches in the memories, that it can never be.

Finally, I think I can fully let him go. I can hold onto the warm memories with not so tight a death grip. I can let him go with a bittersweet love in my heart that will never go away. While I can let him go now, I can't forget him. He gave me such joy and I will be ever grateful for that. I wish nothing but the best for him. I miss him, but I wish him joy, love & peace; and I just want to say Thank you. Thank you for staying in my heart even when I didn't think you were there. But it's ok now. I can let his memories remain memories and let the love I felt back then soar free knowing that it doesn't pain me now, to know it existed.

Be well Mr Uber; I'm here if you ever want to chat as friends. Love to you and yours

Turning Tables

2011-09-02T20:57:00.005-05:00

“Thinking TSO was the best thing I ever did is like thinking that the roller coaster is great but really the best part about it is the exhilaration you feel when you take the ride.”

I wrote those words on my forums to all its members, back in 2004 when I was playing my first online game The Sims Online. I re-read the words I write from time to time. I steeped myself in the memories mostly good, that TSO brought me yesterday. I was looking for a post to show someone and on the way to the post in question I found myself visiting several other threads. I hadn't even remembered writing this line. But it's a good one.

Lately I've needed to find “good lines”. I turn 40 in less than a month. I will be undergoing my 4^th surgery in my life in 6 days. I've been yelled at in the past two days by a few people and had the darkest day of my life in at least 5 years yesterday. I sat in the dark staring at nothing and when I wasn't staring I was crying. I literally cried myself to sleep.

The past in some ways has some hold on me still. There are so many good memories, very many good memories... but there are bad ones too. And the bad ones, some of them sting just as much as they did when they were happening.

People can be so callous. So misguided. So hurtful.

I truly cannot understand the person who says they have love in their heart that can spew such words of hate. I have to admit I'm impressed by the artistry displayed when using words as a weapon, in an attempt to push it all back on me. Very crafty, but I refuse the blame.

I take responsibility for my mistakes, my actions and even my screw ups. It doesn't feel good but it feels better to know I am responsible. I live in my heart, I love from my heart and I'm open to many people. But I dont live in my heart & pass judgments on people from high above.

The incident in my mind revolves around so much pain that a chunk of my heart which was ripped out a long time ago still bleeds at the mention of it all. It left me in a very dark place yesterday thinking of it all. It was a dangerous place where shadows entice with dances, and death calls on me like a long lost lover whispering in my ear.

It is thanks that I give to a friend in Australia, who stayed with me, live with me on messenger while he was working just to make sure I was ok.

When I get like that there is this outpouring of my heart, my sadness. And then there is this vast emptiness. The opportunity then becomes filling that emptiness with light. But if light doesn't penetrate I am vulnerable to a relapse. Luckily light wormed its way into the dark chasing the shadows away. For a time I couldn't hear the whispers from the past. I regained my strength and smiled.

The day began to look brighter, my heart lighter. I went out (and spent entirely too much money) but enjoyed the comfort of solitude. No roommate speaking to me. No phone beeping at me. No online obligations to tend to.

And for the first time in a while I picked up a CD. I'm listening to it now (I wish I could sing, but I have a roommate so I can't let free the songbird chirping for the first time in a long time within me). The words of the woman's voice resonate so deeply with my heart that I've been hitting replay over and over as I write. It lifts me, settles me down and lets me write. I had hoped to write something creative today but one of the many ways I work out poison in my heart is through my “pen”. And so here is a musing if you will on how hurtful people can be. It's a reminder too to think of the persons feelings. To look not from a higher perspective of judgment but from a place of compassion that allows you to understand that what you did hurt someone. It doesn't matter if you think you were right or wrong, doesn't matter how much time has past but you hurt someone. And you should own up to it. An apology takes seconds.... literally and it can save years.

Words for thought.

I forgive you, for making a mistake, for betraying me; for thinking you were better than me, for continuing to hurt me, for being in a place in life where you cannot or will not see other people properly. I forgive you because I no longer have to know you. I no longer have to suffer those torments. So I wish you well, and I hope you find your way to open compassion. I hope you can see what people say and accept it as their truth. I hope you will never have to feel the pain you have caused me in your life. I forgive you.Empowered Forgiveness

My own private hell

2011-08-08T12:03:00.003-05:00

I sit in an unfamiliar place. Where people I once knew, treat me as if I wholly offend them. I marvel at the words that come from my mouth and check, and re-check them for accuracy but nope, they're the same I would have said any day prior to today.

But today I'm in hell.

I see people's faces through glass, the wall I purposely put up to try to distance myself from them. But I have to speak to them, interact with them and so I do... falling on the foundation built years ago when I first met them. Yet, today it's different.

My own private hell, a world where communication is ineffective, thoughts are scattered as well as unorganized and the benefit of the doubt means nothing.

And I've checked in to this place, for at least a week. Wish me, or my coworkers luck that we survive. I'm thankful for really loud music today too...

The hope for Love; farewell

2011-07-15T13:36:00.006-05:00

We are such a lazy society.

When we meet people, if they don't meet every single need we think we want (or supposedly need) in a person, we run. Where is the option to work WITH someone? Where is the dedication to learning of someone? seeing what you will or wont do over time as you GROW to love someone? Where (or when should I say) did we become so selfish that our needs, were the most important thing when considering a relationship a PARTNERSHIP; as that's what a relationship should be.

Apparently they're lost along with the art form or writing love letters and taking the time to spell out our words to each other. They're lost in the speed of the internet and the on demand lifestyle we've become so accustomed to.

Farewell to love that with it's very advent into our lives, helps us realize that we really can and even WANT to do something because we love the person and love the relationship. Gone is the awakening that happens (over time) when you realize that something you didn't think you wanted years ago, you now do...something you may not have even thought of because for so long it was "this way".

I know I'm rambling and I know most people (if any who even come here to read) don't care. But this is my formal goodbye to love and even hoping for it, let alone searching for it. I just don't care anymore because no one else does either. So be it.

Easy like Sunday morning

2011-04-10T13:08:00.003-05:00

Today for the first day in a long time, I'm relaxed.

The move is over. I'm settling in...slowly. There are still things to be addressed but in time. I'm playing my games, watching TV and in the old school fashion of things have been writing in my Book of Light for the first time in years.

It's a beautiful day (warm weather too!) and things are just... easy.

What a beautiful day.!

To the Muse of Fear

2011-03-01T09:01:00.001-06:00

Dear Muse of Fear,

I know you're afraid. I understand why you're afraid. But there is no reason to be afraid. The things you think are the downfall of your freedom, the cause of your insecurity, or the tide that threatens to overtake your carefully chartered ship in the sea; are simply things you made up.

Yes, I said that to you. You've a lifetime of experience that most people will never understand. You focus on the darker sides of your experience too often. You can't be blamed for it, it was the way you learned to deal with things. You thought (and yes you can remember thinking these very words can't you?) “I never want to be jaded.... so like toys abandoned in a closet I'll leave these toys of despair tucked away. And if/when I ever feel like I can't understand someone else's point of view, I will take these out and remember”. The problem was instead of remembering from a distance you perpetuated these traumas and terrors.

These have led to a life of decision based on reactions from fear. Fear masquerades quite efficiently. It is the silent charade. It's so good in fact sometimes you don't even see it.

But I knew as I watched you choose a life of freedom 7 years ago. I watched as you fought for your life, and I knew then you wanted this. That fear wouldn't be your consort permanently. So now it's time Muse of fear. It's time for you to take the reigns and continue what you began so long ago. Repeat after me...

Freedom without fear

It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to admit it. It's ok to wonder, but do not mire yourself down in fears that have no basis in reality. I'll hold your hand and we'll make those steps together.

Let's start today.

Warmly,

Sue

Happy 2011! Goodbye 2010-Year end review

2011-01-05T09:37:00.002-06:00

Every year I write a year end post. This year, I thought for a long time what I should write it about. I even reviewed my prior year end posts here (2005), here (2006), and here (2008).

Each year, I see some similarities. But this year I can say with pride that I have accomplished many of the goals I had aspired to do back in 2005, some in 2006 and at least one in the 2008 posting.

I have officially lost 102 pounds as of this posting. I read every single day even for 10 minutes, and I read holistic books, novels, fiction, and even classics. I pray everyday. I am beginning to love my body or at least find some peace with it. I've met with no fear the ghosts of the past and gotten some closure.

There are ups and downs as there always are. And while I find I have no philosophical words of wisdom to offer, I offer myself. My trials and tribulations, my successes and tears. I offer them for they are just as precious as inspired thought. They represent me, and I represent someone special in a sea of someone specials numbering in the billions.

I hope this year love finds me. I hope that I”m open to seeing it. I believe I am ready for an emotionally healthy relationship. It's been 8 years as of this writing for any relationship of any length that was healthy. There have been some who stood out, but none with the longevity that I seek. Perhaps I wasn't ready, but I believe I'm ready now.

For the first time since 2004 when I started blogging I have a small amount of financial security. It isn't much but it's mine and I hold it closely to my heart. I've worked hard to get here. When I look now to the future it doesn't seem so dark as it did when I started this public journey. I'm sure there will be storms along the way, in fact I expect them; but as I approach the big 4-0, surprisingly I'm not as afraid as I thought I'd be.

It seems as if I'm meant to be right here where I am. I'm ok with that, for the first time, I'm ok with that.

I continue with the list of aspirations that seem to help me so. It's short but it's of quality. Lets hope that in my aspiring to do these things, I inspire others to do great things as well. That is of course, my ultimate goal.

Aspirations for 2011

I aspire to lose another big amount of weight and reclaim at the age of 40 the body I lost as the age of 21.
I aspire to find myself doing something in a field of counseling or helping others in even a volunteer way that not only feeds my soul but also helps people feel better, do better, live well.
I aspire to light candles for those I pray for every day. Again as I listed in one of my prior posts, they're small and quite possibly no one ever sees them but I like to think in a whisper they know someone is thinking of them and ultimately it makes me feel good.
I aspire to finish my novel that has been in progress for a long time
I aspire to finish my vision board
I aspire to laugh more often
I aspire to not take life so damn seriously.
I aspire to be true to my self to be authentic in my journeys, wherever they take me, whatever foreign place I may land with it, I aspire to always be me and not what people think I should be.
I aspire to love, even if I don't find a mate, a partner; I will aspire to be the messenger of love showing people that love can be felt in many ways and not everything has to fit a stereotype.
I aspire to talk to my angels more, to allow them to guide me as I did in 2006 when even faced with a threatening disease I still felt empowered and alive.
I aspire to go out more, to not be so afraid of criticism in peoples eyes, choosing instead to assume they look because they're amazed at my beauty.
I will start my day in gratitude for at least one thing, everyday because to live in gratitude is to live in joy
I will be more thankful for the little things and more vocal to others about it as well so they know they are loved.
And I will find a way to put my quotes at my desk and offer them up to anyone who wants them. May they bring someone joy, like others bring me joy.

I am looking forward to 2001. With the passing of 2010 and no major hospital issues, I'm thinking the spell of health issues that plagued me might be lifted. I also will remember my mantra everyday: I am happy, healthy, wealthy, and... sane grin

We could all use some sanity in an insane world yes?

Wishing all who stop by here, joy, peace and love that brightens the darkest days. Know you are loved.

Muse

Cauliflower Puree

2010-12-25T16:46:00.002-06:00

Oh my goodness.... My mom and I wanted something different than mashed potatoes for Christmas dinner. Last year at a work function the caterer had made something like a Cauliflower Puree. I convinced my mother that we should try it and all I can say is we BOTH loved it. It was better than potatoes! Is that even possible?

A must try! (a link to the site where I got this recipe is above)

yield: Makes 1 serving

active time: 10 min

total time: 20 min

Ingredients

1/2 lb cauliflower florets, chopped (2 2/3 cups) (We used a pound)
1 garlic clove, smashed (We used 4)
1/3 cup chicken broth (We used 2/3 which was *just* a tiny bit too much; a tablespoon or two of flour thickened it up and didn't hinder the fabulous taste)
1/2 teaspoon salt (We used sea salt)
2 tablespoons heavy cream (We used half and half)
1 teaspoon unsalted butter 9I snuck two tablespoons in :D)

Preparation

Simmer cauliflower, garlic, broth, and salt in a small saucepan, covered, until cauliflower is very tender, about 10 minutes. Purée mixture with cream and butter in a food processor until smooth (use caution when blending hot liquids), or mash with a potato masher or a fork (Which truly works just as well).

Lets Say Thanks

2010-12-21T09:08:00.003-06:00

An email was forwarded to me from a friend today. I normally do not read the forwarded emails, but this one stuck out. Once I read it I knew I had to visit the site and I did. I sent out a whole slew of cards. It is SO important year round for people to know we support them and for our troops even more so.

Take a look, send a card; make someone's day brighter.

XEROX IS DOING SOMETHING COOL

If you go to this web site, www.LetsSayThanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq/Afghanistan. You can't pick out who g et s it, but it will go to a member of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be if we could g et everyone we know to send one!!! It is FREE and it only takes a second.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them.

This takes just 10 seconds and it's a wonderful way to say thank you. Please take the time and please take the time to pass it on for others to do. We can never say enough thank you's.

Thanks for taking to time to support our military!

Cooking - Homemade Potato Soup

2010-12-19T08:40:00.005-06:00

One of the things I used to love to do was play in the kitchen. I would throw together all sorts of things, see what happened and then afterward (whether I failed or succeeded) THEN do research online. I wanted to make something my OWN.

I remember making a cream cheese based sauce that was divine, it would blow an artery out, but it was delicious. My specialty has always been desserts (go figure!), but today I had some potatoes leftover and realized I had never made potato soup!

So, realizing I had nothing to lose (except some potatoes and soup) I set about "playing" again. Here is my recipe followed up with links to other recipes (that after I started mine cooking, I took bits and pieces from).

Muses Potato Soup
*9 potatoes mostly medium size though there were a few small ones (cut as cubed as possible lol though mostly in thin quarters)
*3 cans of cream of mushroom soup (3 cans of milk as well)
*2 tablespoons fresh garlic
*5 cups of water
*3 tablespoons of butter
*1 cup chopped carrots
*4 celery stalks (without leaves) diced up
*1 Onion diced
*dried parsley
*Chicken Bouillon (5 cubes?)
*1/2c Flour (Still waiting to see if I need to thicken it up, if I do this and the 1/2 & 1/2 will be used)
*2c half and half
*shredded cheese (for garnish)

Put all the ingredients in the slow cooker and turn it on high for three to 4 hours (or low for 6-7 hours).

Now, I'm just waiting. So i thought I'd look into other people's recipes. Most of them use chicken bouillon for their base and water (I used cream of mushroom...ooops), but they all added flour and half and half as a mixture to thicken it up. I may have to do that closer to the end, I just don't know how the creamy soup will thicken up in cooking. I called for reinforcements because I could really see the flavor of onion in it and sent my mom to the store for an onion, some dried parsley and a few chicken bouillon cubes.

Was it a success? We just don't know yet. But I can tell you two things: 1. it smells divine cooking and 2. This was fun.

Other recipes:
Joe's Potato Soup for the Slow Cooker
Rick Davidson Slow Cooker Potato Soup
Slow Cooker Creamy Potato Soup

Mean people suck

2010-12-13T08:22:00.002-06:00

I read this story today and was so touched I had to share here even though no one reads here. Posting it here is my testament to the fact that people can be who they want to, bullying sucks, girl geeks rule, geeks are awesome, and we should not judge people but embrace our uniqueness.

I'm grateful today to have read this post and wish Katie all the best.

Katie the Star Wars girl

Floating

2010-12-06T10:32:00.002-06:00

I shouldn't be writing this today. Whenever I start the day tired, everything looks worse. But I can't seem to concentrate and the only thing I know to do when I get like this is write out what's bothering me.

I've been in many different places. I've loved them, I've hated them. But I truly experience now the profound feeling of disappointment in my current place. There is nothing that can be done to change it apparently. It stems from the top with a seemingly benevolent leader, who is a tyrant thinly veiled.

The true epitome of “my way or the highway” is the way this person leads. If you're not in this circle of comrades, you're on the street. I went from a conversation over three years ago of hope, to the place I'm at today with no possibilities.

In confidence I asked someone I know I can trust “how much is enough?”. Easier said than done when you're looking at the pavement from his very marketable, much sought after shoes. The sage words were “Don't get blindsided”. I respect those words.

I've begun to pray about this because in so many ways in my life, not just this one, I feel lost. I don't have the money to do a year long trip to find myself. I don't have the support mechanisms in place to take a risk and try something new, and in this economy any move is a risk.

In the end, today in particular I'm feeling like I'm just kind of floating along with no direction. And while I hold an oar, my raft which is falling apart slowly, despite my trying to guide it, is going no where...and my arms are so very tired.

I need sleep, a full night of uninterrupted sleep but that hasn't happened in a long time, or at least not without having to force myself to stay up so I literally pass out. I wake up choking all the time now, despite the things I do to try and ensure it doesn't happen.

It's a sad day when the weight of one line, one person's negative opinion of you can't be shaken off and begins to spiral into a snowball of hell.

I keep trying but maybe today is just a day to live up to its moniker “Blue Monday”. Add freezing to that too and you've got it just about right.

I miss happiness

I miss who I was

I miss who I'm supposed to be

I miss hugs

I miss living

I am grateful I have a job

I am grateful for music

I am grateful for the little joys that are given to me each day

I am grateful for kindness bestowed on me

I am grateful for the knowledge of gratitude

...But I still feel like crap.

/end rant

Gratitude Monday 11-29-10

2010-11-29T11:23:00.002-06:00

I haven't posted in a bit, but I thought today would be a good time seeing as Thanksgiving has just past us, to be grateful without disclaimer or "if, ands, or buts" for the things I have.

* I am grateful today for the long weekend of rest I just had.
* I am grateful for the time spent with my mother, which I've begun finally in my adult years to appreciate as precious.
* I am grateful for all the food I was able to eat this past weekend.
* I am grateful for the bonus that allowed me to be propelled forward into a form of debt free living (almost there!)
* I am grateful for the company of friends (online and offline) and the reconnecting with old friends.
* I am grateful for my anger for it shows I still love deeply and am not so much in a rut that I do not feel fear.
* I am grateful for the ability to control, or at least have the tools to help anger and fear subside.
* I am grateful for lovely voices late in the night.
* I am grateful for beauty in service and that I can partake of those things.
* I am grateful that I have a job and make decent money.

I could go on forever, the list this past weekend is particularly long. I was out more than I was in, a pleasant surprise and one I actually enjoyed. It had been long enough since I went anywhere or did anything with folks that I was sure I had turned into a hermit and would find it disagreeable. I appreciated the things I did, even if they weren't spectacular. (I saw a play this weekend. The company i was with was extremely enjoyable, the brunch food was spectacular, but the play was so so.)

I'm tired today. Returning from work after 4 or 5 days off is always difficult. But I dont mind being here.

Not much else to comment on (publicly anyway :) . But I really wanted to make sure I expressed my gratitude and gave thanks for where I am in life. While it's not perfect; it's better than it could be & better than it used to be, which means it's wonderful.

Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don't unravel. ~Author Unknown

Sleep...for K

2010-11-17T22:08:00.003-06:00

When you give yourself, you receive more than you give.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Someone said to me tonight in relation to what makes them smile and desire to be around me, to talk to me: "You're just you, and so open and that is such a rare thing". My response was simply, I dont know any other way to be...

Too often we hide ourselves. In the online world we immerse ourselves in the richness of the pixels. Sometimes we forget who we are. Or that the other person is just that, a person not a computer.

Tonight in a conversation I was reminded of this humanity we all have not just by the compliment but by the sharing in conversation, effortless and fluid. I love to have conversations where once you strip away the mask of the outward selves, we begin to see who we really are and if we look just so... we can even see another's heart.

This video is for K. While it's after sleep has claimed you, it is what i was compelled to write. I am grateful for the conversation tonight. It was pure joy... so hopefully tomorrow night or maybe the next when you go to sleep you might have seen this post, and heard this song and sleep peacefully knowing someone in the world is grateful for the precious time spent enjoying the joy of who you are.

Gratitude Monday

2010-11-15T07:03:00.002-06:00

Normally on Mondays, I wake with a somber attitude. It doesn't help that winter is fast approaching and as I exit the warm blankets, I realize just how brutal the seasons can be as the cold snakes its way up my feet to my spine.

But something was different today. Not only did I close my eyes after the alarm went off (always a dangerous thing!) and wake up 30 minutes late. But even then, I wasn't panicked. I simply got up, charted out my morning going about the routine things I need to do with no speed per se, but no hurried fear either.

I slept on the train a slight bit listening to some Loreena McKennit and took the bus to arrive here at my work. It was when I got to my desk and saw the card from an unknown person (I can't read the handwriting for the signature) congratulating me on my hard work, that i realized I was awake!

I re-read the card trying to decipher the signature and I as read it again I realized someone here, someone at this company recognized my hard work enough to put it in a card! It was so sweet and so touching.

I am grateful for this card. And when I discover who left me this gift of joy on this cold Monday morning, I will smile deeply and send them blessings for joy in return today. It is such a blessing to be noticed and have people step out of their hurried day to take a moment and think of you.

I am honored.

Thank you unknown person, because aside from the calm and peaceful day you've given me that spark of joy to start me off. What a gift!

“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.”
~Richard Moss

Pretty Girl

2010-11-14T16:14:00.003-06:00

What a beautiful day. 10 pounds away from my first major goal, a full month before I'm to have hit it. Beautiful music, crisp fall air...

And a lovely video.

Celebrate your beauty!

Gratitude

2010-11-10T07:06:00.002-06:00

Sometimes life can seem so heavy. So oppressive. For me, when I get stressed, nothing else can happen. I have to work hard at removing that which blocks joy. Sometimes, it's just too hard and I go days with stress and angst manifesting itself in abrupt conversations, tears, and loss of sleep. But always there is a turnaround, even if the thing that caused so much stress isn't resolved (as is the case now). So today, I have enough space in my world to be grateful. And once you let gratitude in, you can no longer be a slave to fear and oppression. There are things we can be grateful for everyday. They may be small, but they are still gratitude. It is hard to see them when you're mired down in issues, but even then; they are still there... We just have to "See" them. SO today, in my Book of Light I've documented some things I'm grateful for. And here, I thought I'd share with you my gratitude. so somewhere in the digital world intentions sent from my heart can still be visible to more than just my soul.

May they bring you joy, or light if you need it.

I'm grateful for "Jevy"
I'm grateful for less stress today
I'm grateful for the people who make me remember that I'm special and respected
I'm grateful for the lesson in awareness
I'm grateful for the weight I've lost
I'm grateful for my angels
I'm grateful to be alive

Beauty is not in the face;beauty is a light in the heart.
Khalil Gibran, (1883 - 1931)

She finally got to be on her beach

2010-11-02T20:04:00.007-05:00

I finally got the nerve today to visit the American Cancer Society's place in Second Life. I had several times wanted to visit, but was too afraid. In visiting I stumbled upon the Memorial Gardens.

I was scared to be there, I had a horrible day at work; my emotions were already threatening to overwhelm me. But there, two people stood. I spoke to them briefly and discovered that one of them was the creator of the lovely place and a cancer survivor as well.

For so long I had thought that somehow maybe because I wasn't near death with my cancer, or invaded by chemotherapy for years that somehow my cancer wasn't as severe. No matter how it affects you Cancer of any kind is severe. It is brutal, non discriminatory, and painful mentally, physically and emotionally to so many.

In talking with this person, I had asked timidly what I needed to do to add a memorial for someone. He was so kind, he let me add one that very moment for her. When he asked me where I would want to place it, without a moments hesitation I said "Somewhere on the beach?"

He immediately put a picture I hastily gave him nestled between some palm trees facing the bluest ocean. The tears began to flow freely as I stood there and just stared at this lovely tribute to the woman who changed my life so much. I began to feel all the old fears of my cancer, the sadness at losing her just two years before mine. I began to feel the sadness from the days events, the stress from work and a torrent of tears broke through my walls.

But somewhere among the deluge of depression, sadness, and pangs of longing, was one emotion that is always there somehow, God only knows how...

Love.

I loved this woman I never met. I loved the doctors who before my surgery hadn't laid eyes on me before but took care of me. I loved this woman's fiancee that I had never met. I loved both of their families for providing me one of the highest points of my life as they thanked me for doing a radio show devoted to her... these people who didn't even know what Yahoo instant messenger was, learned that night how to type "Thank you for loving our daughter" as I did a broadcast in her honor when she was in a coma they weren't sure she'd come out of (she did). I loved all those who supported me through my cancer including this woman's fiancee who was still wounded from the loss of his love, but able enough to reach out and help me.

Even as I write this, the tears are still flowing, as I sit here by her memorial I can't stop them. But as all the sadness of the day, fears and stresses begin to depart I feel her there beside me in my heart. And strangely as I cry, I am comforted. I am sad and filled with the longing of her words. But I am comforted. And I know soon the tears will stop and tomorrow will be a better day for having had them.

So I look to tomorrow, and send out love to the many survivors, and loved ones who have fought bravely but not survived. I send love out because I am hurting and because I know only that will make me feel better. I send love out because it's who I am and in doing so, I feel her nearby. The woman who's sanctuary was a beach and finally in the virtual world has found a home again near me.

In warm memories and with much love I remember you.

Jessie Smith 1976-2004

And thank you to those two in Second Life, who gave me the most insightful words of the evening.

H.M.: some of us have to go to remind those left behind how precious we all are
H.M: if you do nothing more than that than your life is an accomplishment

Profound words my friend, indeed.

Angels with one wing...

2010-11-02T09:45:00.001-05:00

I was going to write a week ago about how little I trust people anymore. How friends are not what you think they are anymore. How surprising it is now in this world of immediate gratification that even friends do not stand up to the test of time.

I was going to write how dismayed I am at the inability of people to commit to something and see things from another's perspective. To be willing and able to understand by wearing someone else's shoes what they go through. To look from a higher level and see that situations sometimes are beyond our control, and all we can do is handle them as honorably, as we can and try to appreciate them for that.

I was going to further write about how I feel like I am a dying breed sometimes. How when I commit to fight for something, I continue to fight for it. How I'm not perfect, but am completely flawed in so many ways but my heart is in the right place.

Lastly I was going to write how one hurt after another beginning in August has been lavished on me. How much I felt like there was no one left I could count on. That all my efforts at many things had been in vain and worse a regrettable waste of time.

These are all true statements. They are all true sentiments. But they are flawed.

They take a specific incident (or multiple incidents) and target everyone for for a few people's careless actions or thoughtless words.

I find that usually in what I perceive to be my darkest hour, when one thing after another continues to be piled on; that inevitably someone steps in and shines through the dark. A whispered word can sometimes be enough, a hand to hold, a song link sent to me by someone who doesn't even know what I'm going through. How that one thing alone can be strong enough to lift the seemingly impenetrable burden of dark.

This post is in thanks to all those people who may not even know that by their well timed words have brought me a smile or peace. It is a reflection of what I see happening in the dynamics of relationships, that things still happen and sadly worse than ever before in this immediate age; but there are still some of us out there. Some of us who love, who try hard, who fail but get up and try again; and we support each other even in our own dark times. And even though we seem to be few and far between sometimes, the fact that we ARE there can make all the difference in the world.

Thank you for you.

Muse

We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another. ~Luciano de Crescenzo

I speak, Reflections, Releasing the Songbird

2010-09-28T19:42:00.001-05:00

My days move up and down like the slow rolling hills seem to do. One moment you see everything ahead of you, the clear path, and the next you're in the valley with walls around you and shadows dancing with your thoughts.

I wake and try to be grateful for the day. I listen to music with my heart and try each moment to open it just a little wider. My scars on my heart shine more than my light it seems these days. But there are moments still. It seems to take a little more warm candlelight than I remember, but … there are moments.

I cling to those moments when I sit alone like tonight, thinking of what to do. Seeing the various faces of those around me now completely different than the faces that once were, even recently. I get contemplative a lot it seems. The words, emotions, thoughts don't see m to carry the darkness they once did back in 2004. I was so full of hurt back then.

I hurt now too. But thankfully, I'm a bit wiser too (I think)

I know when to look at my own doings and recognize the part I may have played in some of these hurts. I know too when to not shoulder any of the blame. And I'm not afraid to say I've done no wrong. Nor am I afraid to say “I'm sorry”.

For a long time I forgot who I was. I forgot what my core is. Along the way friends have dropped like travelers off to distant worlds, only they have not come back. For those I shoulder regret. It was my distance that allowed them the permission to feel the need to move on. But when I look on those regrets they hurt, however they don't maim like they used to.

Maybe there is something to this growing up thing after all .

But I am more aware today than I was yesterday lets say, of every moment that passes me by. I notice the sun move its position bringing with it the dark. I see Helios screaming across the sky running from the coming cold, and Selene his sister, bringing the winter Moon and all it's beauty. I sit stationary more often than ever before. This isn't a bad thing, it just is the way it is.

I find I know less than I did 10 years ago and somehow wisdom in other ways has been imprinted on my soul. I still seek my path. My god, I still seek it at 39. I hope to find it soon.

But to those I've touched who image or name is stamped on my heart and filed away in my library of light.... know you are thought of. And even if I don't know you, know I love you and wish you well.

To those I've not touched in a long time, know too, you are thought of in many ways. And I wish for love, light, happiness to find its way to you even if you don't know it's me that's sent it.

So tonight, I retire, chilled from the winters breath on every breeze. I meditate for peace, and maybe clarity. And I spend my time doing the one thing I know I need to do; shake the rust off the creative wheels and write with my heart. Write not for anyone, but for my heart to finally be free of its bondage. Write for no awards, but the accolades my spirit feels when I dance with paper and pen (or computer and bits and bytes). And release my songbird on paper, from my heart, into the night sky with her wish to be carried gently to the moon.

Be well all.

LadyMuse

PS. Candles are being lit again, check them out (link at the left). Maybe you'll feel the inspiration to light one too.

I Speak

I sit in darkness

Lights move slowly, reaching their destination

Wind speaks to my skin

Eliciting prickled flesh

My ears covered listen intently

Muscle thrums with the music

Shivers begin, creativity flows

the sound washes my mind free of worry

My heart beats picking up the melody

Legs carry me to the wooden portal

Fingers stretch and flex

While slow luxurious words drape my screen

This is my word

My essence

My energy transported through music

To the cold screen

It bears no message

Carries no weight

But still, I speak

©SKW 9-28-10

The things you are to me

2010-09-26T13:15:00.002-05:00

Sometimes life sneaks up on us and whisks us away to the hurried demands of the day. And sometimes if we're lucky enough to catch a moment as if it were a falling star. Sometimes we can hold onto it and cherish it. We can "see" and "feel" the moment as it moves through our hearts. These moments suspend time in a near fantastical vision. These are moments when our heart sing, and are minds are at ease. They don't come often, but when they do, they can be cherished.

It's been a long time since I've had such a moment. I've been so busy with what I needed to do. So busy tending to someone, or something; that i had forgotten what it was like to sit pampered for a space of hours doing nothing but being a creature of love, a glowing light in the world of dark.

I am glowing today. I have had the pleasure of being around the nicest person. He transported me to a place of peace and relaxation and this post is for him. Because these moments don't come often; when they do, clutch them tight to your heart. And when they are done file them away in your garden of dreams. Water them and watch the memories grow becoming an eternity instead of the singular moment plucked from the falling stars.

Thank you R. For many things, but especially for slowing the incessant demands of time today with me and just "being" beautiful.

The Things You Are To Me

If I held in my hand,
Every grain of sand
Since time first began to me
Still I could never count,
Measure the amount;
Of all the things you are to me

If I paint the sky,
Hang it up to dry
I would want the sky to be
Oh, such a grand design
An everlasting sign
Of all the things you are to me

Chorus:
You are the sun that comes on summer winds
You are the falling year that autumn brings
You are the wonder and the mystery
In everything I see… the things you are to me

Sometimes I wake at night
And suddenly takes fright
You're my vaguest fantasy
But then you reach for me
And once again I see
All the things you are to me

The unfolding of the flowers....

2010-09-23T20:31:00.001-05:00

It is amazing to me how many ways we can be unfolded just like a new flower. At night when the world is dark and the air is cold, we close up... So too can we during the day in a cold environment. But in one act of kindness, or love or generosity we unfold one petal at a time eventually with enough love and the right environment revealing our most beautiful attributes, our core...our heart.

This love comes to us in many strange ways. Perhaps it was a beautiful day, the landscape of which took your breath away. Or perhaps a smile from a stranger, that reached all the way up to the strangers eyes lighting them up as their heart recognized yours and said hello. But it is in the measure of a hug, that precise blanket of warm space shared with another that our hearts really talk to one another.

A good hug can carefully unwrap each petal previously wrapped so tight in the cold. It can reveal our naked hearts, and raw emotions. It can instantly bring forth tears that we didn't know we had waiting to be shared. And if tended to those tears cathartic though they are can turn to tears of joy.

I had just such a hug yesterday. I tried to fight the tears that came forth (as is my nature), but they wouldn't be deterred and what was revealed left the giver of the hug shaking it was so profound. This connection doesn't just spring from a long term relationship, nor just from a friend, it can be found in the most unusual ways. If we see it, recognize it for what it is we can have a moment or several of them even, and walk away from that simple hug with enough love in our hearts to make us glow with joy.

I am grateful for that hug. For that moment, when my love and my joy was restored. Thank you J.

Here's to many hugs for you, and for me and for the resulting joy that can color a world in beautiful gardens of flowers opened; reaching for the sun even during the storm...

LadyMuse

39 years of life

2010-09-20T13:17:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is my birthday. There will be no fanfare, no special hugs from friends. There will be no cake, no dinner out. There will be no intimate time with someone, and no wine drunk. My birthdays are like this. They have been since I was old enough to not have parties thrown for me by my mother. Every once in a while one birthday stands out as a time of joy and love because the well wishes from people near and far catch me off guard and give me the warmth I used to experience when celebrating a year of life as a child.

This year, I am one year away from 40. The thing that catches me the most about that is that I survived 39 years. I’ve been through cancer & emotional turmoil. I’ve made some deep friendships that have stood the test of time and many “issues”. I’ve lived, cried, been hurt, been loved. I’ve truly lived.

I’ve made some bad choices in my life, and my skeletons hang out in my closet waiting to rejoice in their hopeful freedom. But what I truly try to do on this very special day, is to look with no regrets or fear on my past. To see this life, with clearer eyes than I do in my normal “go mode”. To see that in many people’s lives I’ve made a difference. A single touch, a word, a hug, has made someone feel warmer, has given another peace, has provided strength for some to walk through very dark valleys and be at peace in their darkest hours.

I am proud of those moments. Proud of the times when my heart opened up and shone like a beacon, a lighthouse to those lost souls, to the wayward spirit who just needed to know we “see” them. I’m proud of them because in this world where so many are blinded by prejudice, preconceived notions, stereotypical ideals, I have laid my soul bare. It is no small feat to be the vibrant spirit we are and offer all we are in the service to another’s heart. It is one thing that I do well.

This year, as every year, I will try to do many things that make me continue forward on my journey. I will try harder to do them with honor. I will love more and work harder to remove the barriers in my heart placed by so many experiences of pain. I will meditate more and incorporate the spiritual side of myself into my daily life. But most importantly I will remain true to who I am. I will remember the moments of pride when I could look at a stranger and see the light go on in their eyes just from a few words. I will actively heal with my hands and energy, those who want it, as well as myself. I will be kinder to my body and more loving to myself with my heart. I will hopefully impart this brightness onto another who may share this life with me. I will continue to walk the road that most people don’t understand because they live in fear. I will walk it and smile.

And should I falter, I will allow myself the tears, and keep going.

I never thought I’d make it this far, having thought I’d always die young. And I’ve had some special incidents along the way that show me that truly my life, my being here is a gift indeed from divinity. I will not spit in the face of that gift. I will instead of counting the days to the next joy, remember that joy is in each breath I take simply because I can breathe….

Love, light and peace to all who read here and many blessings on this the day of my birth for light to warm your heart and carry you through any dark. For those special few, I am always in your heart. Thank you for being in mine as well.

And even as I type this, I send blessings to you all while meditating in my temple in Second Life. May they fly to you and unburden you….

Carpe Diem!

LadyMuse

Been around the block

2010-08-12T18:36:00.005-05:00

It's been a long time (again) since I posted here. I've been on a journey since my cancer in 2006 that has taken me to great places of high emotion and deep valleys of lows. I don't know where I go from here.

Who I am is different now. Sure, we all grow and things change, but so much has changed I hardly recognize myself anymore. I need to get reacquainted, restarted, rejuvenated.... Only problem is, I don't know how. So I've gone back to the beginning. This, my first ever blog in the hopes that writing again will help.

Time will tell, wont it?
Muse

Remembrance

2009-10-09T07:49:00.006-05:00

The day awoke in a mood of grey blanketed with cold, non threatening but looming clouds. At various times in my commute, I listened to music, I reflected on conversations, and ultimately became the witness to my own past as we so often do. I stood under the cover of my building having received a ride from a friend who runs a cab, who so wonderfully gave it to me free today. I sent thanks and prayers on for his safety and comfort and business today. And I watched the clouds caress the grey sky and a song hit my ipod truly bringing the day home.

Three years ago today, I had a surgery to save my life. Every year I celebrate the gift of my life on the day of my surgery because on that rather ordinary day when I woke up, I had not expected to be alive. But I did wake up, and I was, am still alive. I am thankful every year for the expert hands of the surgeons who tirelessly worked to save me. I am thankful my last words to them before I went under that I painfully struggled to say to them whispered though they were “Thank you for saving my life” were heard. I didn't know why at the time, I was so lost and confused in what was going on in my body. But I knew at that moment when I whispered those words as they held my hand and blissful sleep overcame me, that I had wanted to live. See, I had worried about that. Cancer will do that to you. It will rob you of the things you know and expect in life and alters your life course so severely that you wonder if you'll ever get on the right track again.

Just three days before this surgery I had prayed in my blog, openly, publicly:

“Please help me to get rid of this fear that chokes me so much. Please help me to find my place of peace Monday so the last thing I remember when I go under is light, love, or happiness or all of the above. Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long.

Please help me to just get through Monday and know that everything else will fall into place. Let me believe my own words that I’ve said to so many people “Everything happens for a reason”, let me believe them.

And please, send your angels to watch over me, that when I’m having things removed, that their hands help the doctors so there are no accidents, that their thoughts help the doctors should their be any complications due to my weight, that their hearts beat with the doctors so they know that this person on this table is someone’s friend, someone’s daughter and they put everything into helping me live. But mostly, send your angels to hold my hand so the loneliness I feel quite often in my waking life doesn’t find me in the limbo I will be in during this surgery. Just let them hold my hand. “

They did that day and have ever since. On days like today where I reflect on the changes my life has been through, I can almost hear them. When I hear her laugh and feel her happiness I can see them in her eyes. When I look in his eyes and see his sincerity that just leaves no room for doubt and fears of my own, I can almost feel their hand on my heart.

“And one last thing, please give those who care for me peace as they wait anxiously with me for my surgery to be done, the results to be received, and the recovery to go smoothly. Make sure all those waiting know that it will be ok no matter what. “

While the people in my life who were there that day have changed faces, I still remember my mother, and Jessie. Jessie was a remarkable woman who suffered incredibly from cancer at age 27. She lived online and gave as much as she could to all she touched. These few pitiful words do not do her the justice she deserves, as when I think about her I swell with longing to hear her laugh, pain at her loss, and happiness for her peace. How can you describe what only the heart knows, in the language it alone knows the best?

But there she was this morning just as she was that day.

“I'll hold my right hand over my left like Mark said I should, because Jessie will be holding my hand too. I'll do all of it to find that place of peace.

I take you all with me today, in my heart.” (October 9, 2006)

As I clasped my hand over mine feeling her holding my hand, before the surgery and when I woke up later I knew she was there.

So I stood under the gray sky blanketed by clouds and turned away from the street lest anyone see me as I quietly cried in part sadness for the immeasurable loss this world suffers for not having Jessie in it, and in part happiness that not only do I have my life but that despite a few hiccups along the way is going so remarkably well. I turned up the song on my iPod and stood with my eyes closed sending gratitude for the time I had with her, gratitude for my life, and a profound sense of peace not clouded by sadness, but warm like an embrace.

There will be emotions today, there always are but life goes on and indeed for me and still for Jessie in spirit at least, it most surely does...

“Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long. “

I had no idea these words at the time I wrote them, were the tiny spark of hope inside me. I had no idea then, but I get it now. I understand the fire and warmth that those words have blossomed into for me, as part of my LIFE right...now.

Freedom without fear

...I accept

Muse

hear you me

by jimmy eat world

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that'thought
I might get one more chance

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless
angels lead you in

So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in
(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

Year end review; Goodbye 2008

2009-01-07T08:23:00.000-06:00

When I think of this past year, I think of major change. A lot can occur in twelve months, a relatively short time in number, but in time it can either feel like an eternity or zip by in a blink.

It has taken me a few weeks to think of and write my end of year post. I wasn’t sure how to word what I wanted to say, wasn’t sure how much I WANTED to say and no matter how I thought about it; I seemed to trip over my words like a newborn unable to walk properly.

In my previous two years, End of year posts, I listed several aspirations. The idea was nice, it felt good and it served me well in the past two years. I actually did do some of the things I set out to do and for those that I didn’t do, I felt no guilt (very important for someone like me :P). But the really important things never got worked. Sure there were some that ranked pretty high on my list of things to do, but the health ones never got worked.

So despite last year’s constant change, (the events and trials of which I won’t bother to recount)…I have decided to focus on only one goal this year. One constant to try and balance the chaos that sometimes surrounds my life.

This year I will get healthy.

It’s multi-layered in its design. Healthy to me means, losing weight, balancing a healthy spirituality and really delving into what makes me happy; Spiritual, mental, and physical health.

I suffer from depression. It’s not constant, but when it hits usually because of any number of mundane things that transpire, it can deeply affect me. This depression acts as a catalyst for apathy, allowing the goals and ideas I have set aside to practice or do, to just…sit there untended.

In order to work on the mental side of my ‘get healthy” new year resolution/aspiration/goal. I will attack my depression. I have two blogs, this one and another http://serane.wordpress.com that I can utilize to password protect posts if I need to express something less desirable (blogspot does not allow for password protection I don’t believe). I will write everyday. Even if it’s just in my private journal, even if it’s just two words, I will write everyday.

In order to work on the spiritual side of my “get Healthy” new year resolution/aspiration/goal, I will dive into the practices I’ve read about for so many years but only practiced every once in a while. Specifically to start, with meditation. I get up early enough and have help around the house now (thank you Lonny!) that I have a little bit more time in the mornings. 10 minutes shouldn’t be that hard to find to sit quietly.

In order to work on the health side of my “get healthy” new year resolution/aspiration/goal, I will attack my depressive tendencies with regards to my physical health. I will walk more, I will eat less, I will eat better, and I will find things to do to keep me occupied, and keep me stimulated when I get bored. This is by far the hardest part of it; finding ways to keep occupied (especially at work). Even while watching TV I find that I’m idle and in comes the mentality of wanting to eat something.

I find that within me is a little girl who has been let loose to do whatever she wants for a very long time. And now it’s time to take the control I love to exert in other areas in my life, to her and show her the good side of accomplishment as opposed to the good (but temporary) feeling of doing whatever I want, which will inevitably kill me…

Wish me luck.

Exercise for the brain; spirit; intellect

2008-12-23T08:40:00.001-06:00

We all get hopped up on exercise, exercise; but what we forget is that like any good exercise routine, we need to exercise all the other aspects of who we are. If we indulge in the darkness or stagnation of depression, emotions, fears; we run the risk of apathy. That and of course, the other emotion despondency.

I’ve missed blogging here. It was trying sometimes to be upbeat when I felt down, but I still did it, and I was happier. I was happier because I forced myself to think positive, feel positive even when I wasn’t. It didn’t always fix things but it seemed to make them better at times. Perhaps that’s half the battle?

So now I maintain the two blogs; this one and the one where I can post my private thoughts. That’s all that was missing really, the place I could be me, dark, sad whatever, without bringing everyone down. Now I have both halves of the circle…my Yin and Yang of blogging and that makes me happy.

Be Well

Well Wishes
May every moment of each day surprise you with the gift of hope.

And Remember
If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person. If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house. If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation. If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world. -- Chinese Proverb

Full Circle

2008-12-21T21:36:00.003-06:00

I've been running. I don't mean the healthy kind. I mean the kind where you just can't deal with something and so you tuck it away to the back recesses of your mind. The kind of running wherejust even seeing something makes you uncomfortable and itchy and feel strange.

What I don't know is why i've been running. I've had since the leaving of this blog...3, THREE other blogs and in each one I said the same things, did the same things (well i DID add a few) that I do here. So why is this one the red headed step child?

I used to think it was because I couldn't password protect posts (and in some measure it was) but I think it's more than that.

If I wanted to leave the blog, I would have deleted, simply...gone. But I didn't. And now I'm back. What an perplexing situation.

If I know anything, it's that I know nothing at all... but I do know just one thing, this tiny thing...

I'm back.

Serane's Serenity

2008-08-08T08:18:00.004-05:00

WOW, it's been forever since I posted here. I am not beginning to post here again; however I did want to refresh this blog with a post to my current one. If any of you are long time readers you know I switched to Wordpress last year. The blog I made then has since been closed, and a new one started. I've posted both links at the top of this page in case you wish to read either of them. You never know what you'll see so if you have some time, grab some coffe and have a look into my life...I share it without shame.

Love, Light and Peace

LadyMuse

This blog has moved....

2007-08-29T08:01:00.001-05:00

My blog has moved! I have decided to finally make the switch to Wordpress for a few of the features they have, that blogspot doesn’t have. You’ll find my new blog at http://celestialapprentice.wordpress.com. Take a look at the pages of the blog (a nice new feature) and see what you think.

Eventually I will be moving goddess works also. Though both ldymuse and goddessworks will remain here, they do so for history sake until I can back them both up.

Make sure you read all the pages of the Celestial Apprentice’s pages as there is some good information there… See you there!

Finally, SOMEONE said it...

2007-08-28T14:24:00.000-05:00

The BEST article in the world today, is right here (or on Fox News, whichever you choose).

Grrr! Vick Finds Jesus in Record Time
Tuesday , August 28, 2007
By Mike Straka

Your GRRRs Things That Make Me Go Grrr! The GRRR! Book

"We all make mistakes," said Michael Vick. "Dogfighting is a terrible thing and I reject it ... I found Jesus and turned my life over to God. I think that's the right thing to do as of right now." Gee, that didn't take long.

I didn't think the curtain on the "finding Jesus" act would rise until after Vick went to jail, but alas, it came on the same day he made his plea deal official.

It took Paris Hilton a few hours in the slammer before she met Jesus, and Vick does it even before lockup. Who knew? He must have hired Hilton rep Elliot Mintz as his spokesman over the weekend.

Let's face it. Vick loves dogfighting. He loves the rush it gives him to see dogs that he helped to train maul and kill other dogs. Even his own father and grandfather say as much — although their witness to Vick's character is about as solid as Vick's future in football.

When ConVick's dogs didn't perform well, he killed them in a "collective" effort that amounted to electrocution and drowning, and when electricity or water were too much to ask for, he and his cohorts "collectively" body-slammed man's-best-friend to death.

"I made a mistake in using poor judgment and making bad decisions," he said.

Poor judgment? Keyshawn Johnson used poor judgment by writing a book in which he espoused on his greatness on the field. That's poor judgment, especially after you start dropping passes.

Bad decisions? Terrell Owens stuffing a Sharpie in his pants and autographing a football during a game is a bad decision.

What Vick did is called breaking the law. Committing a crime. Intentionally killing a living creature. For that, prosecutors recommend 12 to 18 months.

That's half the time Andrew Burnett got for grabbing a little bichon frise named Leo off its owner's lap and throwing the dog into oncoming traffic after a road rage incident seven years ago.

At least Burnett had the "road rage" defense. Vick's involvement in killing dogs had nothing to do with emotions. That decision was made in order to cut losses. Why pay to feed and house dogs that don't perform well?

He said we all make mistakes, but ask him to be honest, and he might tell you the only mistake he made was that he associated with the wrong types of people, and in the end, that's what got him caught. Don't forget, if Vick's cousin hadn't been involved with drugs, the dogfighting operation would never have been discovered while investigating Vick's Virginia property. And if you look back to Vick's initial statements, about associating with the wrong types of people, he was clearly aiming to let those people take the fall for him.

It's kind of like Lindsay Lohan eyeballing the owner of the SUV she allegedly hijacked a few weeks ago while saying to cops, "I wasn't driving, officer. Go on guys, tell him I wasn't driving." "I'm going to have a lot of downtime," Vick said before walking off the podium. You can say that again, Michael.

Things That Make Me Go Grrr!
The other day I read a story in one of the papers of record about two athletes who were raking in endorsement deals to the tune of over $1 million a year.

They are volleyball players who happen to be a couple. And while I applaud them for their athletic prowess and believe that they deserve to rake in whatever the market will bear for their services as spokespeople, I began to wonder what made them so attractive to sponsors.

Was it their success on the beach? Well, yes. But it goes deeper than that. Put simply, they attract an audience. A very desirable audience. In the business they call it the "demo," that much coveted 18-to-34 age group. This group presumably makes all of their long-term buying decisions during this time of their lives, when brand loyalty is akin to friendship.

But why do advertisers constantly choose athletes for these deals? Or pop stars? How many athletes (Michael Vick — duh) end up burning their endorsement sponsors with bad behavior?

How about Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears?

What will happen when everybody who is endorsing a product crashes and burns in some way, shape or form? And, is there anybody out there bulletproof? We know athletes, actors and singers — all attractive to sponsors — are not. How about bloggers? They have broad reach, but half of these people we never really "meet," or even know what they look like, so there's too much mystery surrounding them.

Maybe we should begin seeing commercials from Cirque du Soleil performers. First, the troupe is visually stunning. Second, it is family-friendly. Third, there is no one person who stands out in any performance, hence zero ego. And fourth, they make up their own language, so even if they did do anything stupid, we wouldn't know it.

But most of all, with 50 or more performers per commercial, nobody is getting stupid rich, which will probably alleviate most of the stupid things that stupid rich people do, more and more often these days.

A break

2007-08-22T19:40:00.000-05:00

I need a break. I dont know when I will return.

Trust... Pathways... Peace

2007-08-21T11:51:00.000-05:00

Trust... I keep pulling this card. For the past three days no matter how hard I shuffle, no matter the question, I keep pulling this card. It's so hard for me to let go. I keep a tight reign on anything I can, because in most of my life I have so little control. I've asked about this interview, I've asked about my heart, I've asked about my big decisions coming up. And each time... Trust. One time I also pulled a "yes" card, that whatever decision I have come to, is the right one. And what's funny is the minute I pulled that? I really DID feel a bit better.

Take a look also at an email I received today, posted in the Goddess works Blog . Funny? Trust, Intuition, Self Esteem. I think the message might just be getting through to me ;)

Also noteworthy today is that with some convincing from Mrs. Virgo last night and LOT of emotion shared by Ms. Personality (Mrs. Virgo knows who I mean) last weekend, I've come across a few things/tasks/etc that "feel" good to me. One of them is reading more (hence my above information), Opening up more, and working with people. Which brings me to my newest project... I will be holding a peer to peer training session (I think, details are still forthcoming) revolving around grounding & centering, meditation and visualization. I'll be posting my materials and putting my things together and if it goes as well as it "feels" that it will, it should be a WONDERFUL experience for me. And who knows, if it goes REALLY well? It could be a continuing thing where I get to work with people to open their hearts and minds up to things that give them peace. What could be better! Wish me luck ;)

Be well today friends, Bask in the sun of your heart, and know that all is well.
Muse

Whatever life we get is bonus...

2007-08-20T15:20:00.000-05:00

I am so moved today. So sad for the world’s loss, so happy for his peace newfound in his passing, and so moved by his words that I am sadly to late to celebrate with him.

~*~*~*~*~*~
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Whatever life we get is bonus (from Anderson Cooper 360)

Editor's note: The following post is written by Miles Levin, a young cancer patient profiled on tonight's "360." Miles' personal blog can be read at www.carepages.com, page name "LevinStory."

Looking through my living room window, I suspect being outside would feel wonderful, but I really wouldn't know. As I write this from my bed, my entire body feels saturated in a sticky, toxic nausea, with chemotherapy pumping through my 18-year-old veins. Like Michael Jackson's moonwalk, chemotherapy has this strange way of moving a person another step towards life and death at the same time.

Twenty three months ago, I was diagnosed with stage IV rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare pediatric muscle cancer affecting only 350 children a year. With odds like that, and with a 20 percent chance of survival, I can only deduce two possibilities about the universe: God's plan is evident in every little shifting of the breeze, or it's totally random. I don't see how there could be much middle ground.

I remember my first chemo round, staring at the ceiling and trying not to cry. The agony was stunning. I've long since learned to go ahead and cry. How could this have happened? Yet as with anything that happens, it happens, and then suddenly you find it has happened, and more things keep continuing to happen. Chemotherapy has instilled in me a visceral understanding that all bad things will pass in time ... but that all good things will too.

I set out on a 19-month course of treatment, chronicling the journey on an online blog. Little did I know that my little Web site intended to keep extended family and friends informed would find readers all across the country and even the world, including such countries as Japan, Australia, Germany, Brazil.

My journey became our journey, with treatment finishing last December. For a brief, hopeful month in January, it appeared to have been successful. My scans were clear. But, as is so common with cancer, there were still sub-detectable rogue cells lurking in distant corners of my body. Within weeks, they swarmed forth again and my body was infested once more.
A recurrence of my kind of cancer has been hitherto incurable, although I still cling to a slim ray of hope. But in all likelihood, I am in the last few months of my short life.

Unlike many cancer patients, I don't have much anger. The way I see it, we're not entitled to one breath of air. We did nothing to earn it, so whatever we get is bonus. I might be more than a little disappointed with the hand I've been dealt, but this is what it is. Thinking about what it could be is pointless. It ought to be different, that's for sure, but it ain't. A moment spent moping is a moment wasted.

I accept what is to come, but I cannot rid myself of a deep mourning for all those experiences -- college, marriage, children, grandchildren -- that will probably never be mine to celebrate. What solace I do find is in the knowledge that I have done everything I can to transmute this terribleness into something positive by showing as many people as I can how to endure it with a smile.
I don't believe you can ask for any more, but if I could ask for something, it would be to be able to go outside into the glorious spring air, feeling healthy and blissfully clueless as to how lucky I was for it, if only just for an hour.

-- By Miles Levin, Guest Blogger

~*~*~*~*~*~
Prayer - Secret Garden
Let your arms enfold us
Through the dark of night
Will your angels hold us
Till we see the light

Hush, lay down your troubled mind
The day has vanished and left us behind
And the wind, whispering soft lullabies
Will soothe, so close your weary eyes

Let your arms enfold us
Through the dark of night
Will your angels hold us
Till we see the light

Sleep, angels will watch over you
And soon beautiful dreams will come true
Can you feel spirits embracing your soul
So dream while secrets of darkness unfold

~Rest in Peace Miles. You are missed by many, including me.~

WoW; A Woman of Worth

2007-08-16T09:48:00.000-05:00

In my bloglines I have several blogs that I lurk on. Mainly anymore these days, I lurk. In any event, I absolutely had to post this credo I found from The Path of Modern Goddess. I can think of no more powerful affirmation for my day today than this. Thank you Nicole. Thank you very much.
~*~*~*~*~*~

I am a Woman of Worth
August 10th, 2007

I stumble upon the site of the Woman of Worth Event and found their credo. I loved it and had to tell you gals about it.

THE WOW CREDO
Written by Christine Awram, Founder

I am a Woman of Worth!

My worthiness is inherent, infinite and persevering – it is my natural state.My value is a reflection of who I am - and I am magnificent.
And … who I am – always makes a difference.
I matter!
I am successful – because I come from my true power, which lies within.
I lead through inspiration – from quiet acts of kindness, to leading a nation.
I am empowered – I make choices from the clarity of my heart, mind and spirit.
I am abundant – as the core of my true essence always supports manifestation.
I cherish my relationships – they are part of what makes me strong.
I am a Human BEing – as my BEing is of far more significance than my DOing.
I play and I laugh and I bring beauty and light into the world – I am radiant.
At times I despair and I weep, when I feel the pain of a world that has momentarily gone mad.
Yet even when I tremble through a dark night of the soul, I renew my faith and my courage in a single heartbeat because my spirit is indomitable.
I feel and I care and I am passionate – with a heart as open as the universe.

I am a woman of worth, and I am glorious!

WOW

Because every woman… is a Woman Of Worth.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
May you know your worth today… May it seep from your very heart, into all you do. You are beautiful!

You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO

When staying alive means...

2007-08-15T09:29:00.000-05:00

I have a war that I wage on myself daily over money, life, living in the moment, trying to be stress free… I find that I get angered easily as I battle these emotions and even more so when I read something like this today.

What more do people need to hear to realize this is a HUGE problem that is only going to get worse? Please read, share your thoughts… But be aware; especially when it comes time to choose someone who’s supposedly going to fix it.

Our health is priority, without us there is no voting body, without our voice, finances etc, there is no support. This should be among the top 10 issues discussed by those who say they will make a difference for us, with us. And if it’s not, then choose differently. This is not a lesser of two evils argument (i.e. Well they feel like I do about x, y, z, so I guess I can let this issue slide). It must be addressed, and resolved or at least on a path towards resolution. Many of us are dying (physically, financially, and emotionally) because it’s not at the forefront of people’s minds.

Help each other live.

When staying alive means…

Social butterfly! (and no cancer, again!) I'm on a roll!

2007-08-10T10:23:00.000-05:00

Tonight I’ll be doing something I’ve not done before… I’ll be going to comedy improv! This week has been a good busy week full of friends, game, events, and visits.

Tuesday I went and saw the concert with the top 10 American Idols. It was very nice! I didn’t particularly care for Sanjaya, but that’s because I do not think he can sing that well. He would be good in a small lounge, or something of that nature. However everyone else did AWESOME. And as an extra bonus I got to see Gina Glockson get engaged! It was so romantic. I have to admit I feel a certain kinship being that she is from my city too, but still it was such a wonderful thing to witness right there in front of me! What joy to share in such a blessed event!

Then Thursday I hosted an event in game that went very well. It took a lot of planning to create and host a faire in an environment with rules and limits, but it went very well and I think everyone had a blast.

Then tonight I’m going to see Joe Rogan. I’ve only seen him as the host of Fear Factor, but apparently he’s a very good humor man. We shall see ;) I’m pretty hard to impress in the comedy department, but even if the comedy isn’t stellar, hanging out with friends and having fun will be WONDERFUL.

Then tomorrow, I’m hanging out with a group of wonderful, inspirational women for a day of laughter, lunch, dinner, new age shopping, etc. It’s good soul food in abundance! I am so excited for this day.

I’ve been doing my meditations as well now. Admittedly I haven’t done as many as I should, but I have been better and it’s wonderful. The story I posted previously in my blog is an example of the visions I sometimes receive while meditating. I don’t know whether it’s just because I am very good at visualizations or if it’s a message I’m meant to listen to. I’ve been approaching it as the latter, and have been trying to work hard on my internal library of things… It feels good to be relaxed even when busy, stable even when emotions are all over the place, and happy even during the storm of life as it currently may be at times.

Oh and the best news of the day/week, my second Post Op screening for cancer came back NEGATIVE! Yay! I’m starting to feel a little less scared of the tests now. It’s nice to not have that worry about appointments as much as I used to have.

I could write so much more, but I think perhaps I’ll let things set for a while here ;) Have a wonderful day folks!

Muse

Be The Change (Courtesy of Daily Good):Add a touch of beauty to a neglected corner of your world.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
I wish for happiness for you today. Fridays always have that little spark of joy as the weekend (for some of us) approaches. May you find your spark of joy no matter if today is the start of your weekend or the beginning of your week; may joy find you and light upon your heart for a while.

You are a blessing to me everyday
XO

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

A story of inspiration for you today, courtesy of Daily Good

Oprah, Guys, Stereotypes and a TOTAL RANT Long post

2007-08-08T13:19:00.000-05:00

For all you folks out there who enjoy, live by or listen to Oprah, I’ll advise you, you may want to go to the next blog. This is my entry about my love/no love relationship with her and the folks that she sponsors, promotes etc. You may not like it.

That said, here I go.

I have tried several times to watch Oprah’s show; to listen to her, to read her magazine, her website, and her help articles. I bounce back and forth between a tennis match the two sides of which are: Wow, really good! and Yuppy, Feel Good Suburbanite, Can’t communicate on their own and puts everything to blame elsewhere.

Ok so that didn’t make much sense… But hear me out. I like Oprah. I like a few of her shows, hell I even have one from February still locked away on my Tivo! Sometimes, as I watch her show or read her articles, I get it… I GET IT! And then other times I read things and go, wow that’s totally stereotyping, how many people (women) read this and really believe this? I’m not putting Oprah down, or her beliefs, or her show, or the people that read/watch/listen to her. So before you blast me with hate mail, read this sentence a few times *Points above*. What I AM saying is that she is good, just like everyone else, and sometimes she is not so good, just like… everyone else. The bottom line is read/listen/watch whatever you want, but interpret it your own way.

A PERFECT example of this love/no love duality I have with her is the information I’m posting below. I came across a great article about the 10 rules to live and love by. (Posted below) It’s a great article. So great that I copied it intending to immediately blog it away for you all to read. And then I was so excited over that article that when I found another one about how to “Talk to a man” I thought, alright let’s see what this person that Oprah is backing has to say. What I read left me appalled. Maybe I’m just too idealistic, simplistic, or just slow? But I do not feel that a “rope-a-dope” type of conversation is good for any end result. First off, you’re assuming the guy is a dope (or even the woman… neither are!) and second of all you’re encouraging people to not be truthful in order to make someone else see things your way. Isn’t that manipulation?

I might be going off the deep end here, but the second article left me squarely planted in the seat of “unlove” towards Oprah. I think were I to rewrite these rules they would be simply:
1. Let me help you get that done. I know the frustration with asking someone to do something and not having it done. I was married for 10 years; I came across this a lot in my relationship. So ok, work together and offer to help them with it. I have no problem by the way with the approach she listed, but I do have a problem with: “Men love to show women their tools.” Is this really true? Am I just a bit slow on the uptake here?

2. I agree in some measure with this point, enough that I wont dissect it :P

3. I understand you feel this way, but this is how I feel. How’s that for a win-win? Allowing both parties to respect each other’s perspective. While I have followed the 100% rule on some occasions it’s only when I am wrong and I have no problem admitting it. The biggest problem I have with this statement she listed is this: “Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct…but you still want what you want. In boxing this is called rope-a-dope, and even if you don't know what the rope part means, the dope part sounds pretty applicable. This is called win-win—except you did and he didn't.” Perhaps it’s just a play on words, saying the same thing I would say but not so forthright, either way to me initially reading it, this struck me as manipulation pure and simple.

4. Honey you look great in that sweater! Nothing wrong with that? I agree “cute” would be faux pas but I think that the explanation given below is 100% stereotypical, judgmental and generalized. Particularly this: “Men like receiving compliments because they think it means that you are going to have sex with them.” Again, I’ll defer to my being slow on the uptake, but is this really true? The men I know, have known with few exceptions aren’t thinking that if I open my mouth to offer a compliment, I’m going to jump in bed with them (or maybe they were and didn’t tell me, however in MOST cases, I did NOT go to bed with any of them)

Why does this have me so upset? Because Oprah has a HUGE following. Because someone young woman, (or older woman who is reaching out for advice) will read this and might not be able to pick just the advice that she needs from it. She may also walk away with the opinion that men are only good for using power tools, or for manipulating, and the notion that she should absolutely avoid complimenting a man because then he’ll want to have sex with you.

Guys? Help me out here? Are you all like this? AM I just Alice wandering in the rabbit hole, picking flowers in my own delusion; the one that gives guys more brains than they really have?

~*~*~*~*~*~

And if you’re interested, here are BOTH articles for your reading, complete with links. You make up your own mind…

Rules to Live and Love By
Kathy Freston, author of The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love shares her rules for finding true love.

There is potential for soul mate love all around us at every moment. It is a matter of recognizing the connection, sensing the "charge" of energy, and then cultivating a relationship that will take us beyond our present limitations. A soul mate brings us enormous joy and fulfillment, but even more importantly, soul mates lead us into our life's lessons. They get under our skin and push our buttons. They inspire us to look at who we are and where we need to grow. Whether single, married, or somewhere in between, we can begin practicing masterful waysof relating with whomever stands before us, and in this way, we become better and more enlightened human beings. We can become the love we want to find; we can source it from within.

1. Seeing your partner through the lens of love rather than fear automatically elevates the relationship to a higher plane. When you can get quiet and note when you are projecting fear, you can make the adjustment to see through a different filter. So often we feel indignant or incensed, but upon closer inspection we will find that we are really afraid. Once we assume our partner's core goodness rather than focusing on their "guilt," they will be more free to show us their best, which accelerates the process of shifting our perspective from one of blame and anxiety to one of acceptance and peace.

2. Being willing to forgive yourself and your partner, and to make amends when necessary is an ongoing process of cleanup. We all make mistakes; it's human. But when we hold fast to a grudge it eats away at our sense of peace and serenity. If you aren't willing to forgive, you might ask yourself what habit of ego you're attached to. Do you want to continue life with unresolved issues hanging over you?

When we take a stand and refuse to let go of something, we can always find evidence to justify it. Or we can try to make peace. Instead of blaming or making excuses, we can clean things up and move forward. This is not an excuse for staying in a dysfunctional situation, but an opportunity to see innocence. Once we do that, we gain—or give—freedom to move out of a "stuck" place.

3. Relaxing when times get tough; assuming that "this too shall pass" allows you to roll with the punches. If you know things will inevitably arise to challenge you, you can be more detached when they do. Problems become worse when we dig in our heels and try to force a solution. By relaxing into whatever struggle arises, we remain flexible and open to inspiration and insight.Even if you have a hard time letting go, you can at least observe yourself taking things very seriously, which in itself helps to detach you from the experience of anxiety. Whatever is happening now won't be happening a year from now, so just keep breathing through the situation and see if you can take things a little less seriously.

4. Seeing in the dynamic of the relationship the reflection of what you need to learn helps bring you back to what is important. Sometimes we get lost in the chatter of day-to-day patterns and lose sight of the soul's mandate to bring us closer to realizing our Oneness. The best way to see where we need to work on things is to observe who we are and what we do within the context of a relationship. Any time you recognize your impulse to create distance rather than intimacy, you can make the adjustment and get back on track.This relationship, as with all relationships, is part of a curriculum to evolve into our highest potential. We come to know ourselves by how we interact with our partner, and by so doing we come to know Spirit.

5. When you don't know how to handle a problem, pray and meditate, surrendering the decisions to SpiritPraying and meditating aligns your limited energy with that which is all-powerful. Of course we don’t have all the answers, but by consigning our limitations to our Higher Power, our burden is lifted. We need to be accountable for our words and actions and be willing to work through where we are stuck. We need to stay present and forgive. Beyond that, our creative power is fueled by Spirit. By praying, we ask for help and guidance; by meditating we clear our minds so that the answer will become apparent. By moving aside, we create an opening for God to work miracles in ways we could never imagine.

6. Honoring your partner's path and allow them the space to find their own way sends a clear message of respect. People need to work things out in their own manner and in their own time. If you try to help where help is not requested, you are signaling your lack of belief in your partner. If you back off and assume someone is strong and intelligent, strength and intelligence are what they will likely find.Although we are all on this path of realization and expansion together, each of us is unique in our lessons to be learned; the way you do something might be totally different than how someone else needs to process a situation. Rest assured that Spirit is at work in all of our lives, and give yourself a rest from overseeing your partner's personal business.

7. Keeping up your personal growth work means you will keep your mind sharp and your awareness keen. Read, study, and attend lectures; don't rest on the laurels of what you think you already know. The moment we think we have it all figured out is the moment things will come crashing down around us. Arrogance leaves no room for intimacy or growth, and is certainly not part of a spiritual curriculum. When you immerse yourself in learning, you will always have new skills and interests to apply to a relationship, and thus the relationship will always feel fresh and relevant.

8. Following the path of your own creativity keeps you attuned to that which moves and inspires you. As you indulge your creative side, you become less dependent on your partner to feel whole. Creative energy is the force that breaks new ground. To sustain love, we need to continually fuel whatever inspires us on the deepest level. Also, creativity balances out the egoic and intellectual side of life; it teaches us to play and have fun. When we engage our passions, we radiate passionate energy and thus maintain the interest of our partner as well as having your own sense of fulfillment.

9. Staying present keeps us in the moment which is where life is. Life does not exist in future predictions or past grievances; all we have for sure is right here and right now. Every moment teaches us something, and if we are busily trying to change or control something we miss the grace intended for us.By allowing the sacred mystery to unfold without trying to tamper with it, we can move through anything with much more ease and simplicity. As we cease resisting, any so-called negative situation or emotion will have the space to work out. And by the same token, when we are completely alert and aware in any given moment, we are open to the subtle miracles happening all around us. By staying present, we will see our partner for who they are; we will hear clearly their communication and respond to it astutely.

10. Being grateful for what you have zeros in on what is working, which in turn magnetizes more of the same. Where you put your focus is where you direct your creative intention; so if you want abundance, be grateful for the vitality you have now. If you want a soulful relationship, be grateful for the soulful moments. Gratitude is like a seed you plant; it grows more as it is watered and nourished. Show your partner what you appreciate in them and let them know that they have a positive effect in your life. The acknowledgement of good will call forth more of the same.

~*~*~*~*~
Man Talk
From the June 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.

1 of 4
"Let me get your power drill."Suppose you want a man to do something for you, and you've asked him, oh, a thousand times. He's promised he would, which is what's so frustrating—if he flatly refused, at least you'd understand why he isn't taking action. He doesn't want you to remind him about what he needs to do, even though he keeps forgetting. Don't ask him to do a specific task ("Fix the drip in the shower") but to be in charge of solving the problem ("The leak in the shower is driving me crazy"). Offer to help him ("Tell me what tools you need, and I'll go get them for you"). Men love to show women their tools.

2 of 4
"Wanna dance?"The best way to seduce a man the first time is to let him know you're interested—but not easy—with the word maybe. Maybe you should get together, maybe you'll have a drink with him, maybe you'd like to see his place. There's enough yes in maybe to keep a man from feeling rejected and enough no to keep him challenged. If it's a long-term relationship, the approach is different, but you'll do well if you still think of it as a dance. Get him to snuggle, kiss, and play but once you are there, let him take the lead. Whether it's a date or your 30th anniversary, a man likes to think it's his idea.

3 of 4
"You're 100 percent correct."It doesn't matter what you're arguing about—he just wants to be right. This is his weakness; you can use it like judo, turning his own momentum against him. Saying two little words, "You're right," is the verbal equivalent of darting a raging elephant with animal tranquilizers. It gives him what he wants, reducing tensions and leaving the way open for you to get what you want. Try it: "You're right, but I still want to go to the party." Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct…but you still want what you want. In boxing this is called rope-a-dope, and even if you don't know what the rope part means, the dope part sounds pretty applicable. This is called win-win—except you did and he didn't.

4 of 4
"What a manly sweater!"Men like receiving compliments because they think it means that you are going to have sex with them. This can make complimenting a man awkward, no matter how straightforward you are about your intentions. He'll reach this same conclusion if you (a) say "good morning" to him, (b) smile at him, or (c) ignore him, so you might as well go ahead and compliment him if you want. And maybe you are sleeping with him or would consider it, so what are the best ways to get your message of appreciation across? Simply put, we want to hear words that sound masculine. Telling us you think our sweater is "handsome" is a way of saying we're manly, while a "cute" sweater sounds like something worn by a female schnauzer. Giving a compliment is like giving a gift: Don't make it about what you would want, make it about what he wants. W. Bruce Cameron is the author of How to Remodel a Man (St. Martin's) and 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter (Workman), which became the basis for the ABC sitcom of the same name. Read more about men in the June 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. Subscribe now!

Silence of the heart

2007-08-06T07:57:00.000-05:00

I was busily checking my email this morning and came to a halt when I saw today's DailyOm. It's a good read, worth the 2 minutes it takes to read it for sure! It's the only post today because it deserves that priority.

Be well friends,
Muse

~*~*~*~*~*~
The Soundless Center
Silence Of The Heart

We spend a lot of time attempting to put the feelings in our hearts into words, to communicate to others our passions, our emotions, and our love. Often we are so busy trying to translate our heart’s roar into language that we miss the most profound experience the heart has to offer, which is silence. Every poem arises from this silence and returns to it. When all the songs have been sung, the soliloquies delivered, the emotions expressed, silence is what remains. As each wave of feeling rises and falls back into the silence, we have an opportunity to connect with the vast, open, powerfully healing wisdom at the soundless center of our hearts.

Our hearts may seem noisy and tumultuous so much of the time that we do not even associate them with silence. It takes a sensitive ear to tune in to the silence of the heart, but it is there in each one of us, so close and so large that we do not even notice it. We can begin to become aware of it in the same way we become aware of the negative space in a still life, the background of a photograph, or the open sky that contains the sun, clouds, moon, and stars. We are accustomed to tuning in to objects and sounds that are one-pointed, solid, and three-dimensional. Seeing and hearing the apparently empty space that contains these sounds and objects takes a little practice.

We can bring our awareness into our hearts by simply breathing into the general area of our heart. The first thing we may notice is feelings like joy or sadness and physical sensations like tightness or tenderness. We acknowledge these as we continue to breathe and focus, listening attentively. We surround these feelings and sensations with breath and recognize that they are contained and held in an immeasurable substance like water or air, intangible, ineffable, but utterly real. This is the silence of the heart, and the more we listen for it, return to it, and accept it, the more we bathe and purify ourselves in the soundless center of our being.

Guardian Angels, Sanctuary (LONG story)

2007-07-30T22:20:00.000-05:00

For those of you who remember my previous rough draft story, (Breath of an Angel) you will recognize this. For you new readers, keep in mind a few things:

1. This is a rough draft; unedited; raw emotion.

2. It is a vision I had while meditating during a particularly rough emotional day

3. It is a vision i share freely with you, though it is entirely personal.

It was particularly powerful for me, and quite unexpected. I believe in signs of all kinds, and I believe in miracles. And sometimes, a miracle doesn't have to be huge, or world changing to be called a miracle. Sometimes, it is a miracle to just one...

~*~*~*~*~*~

The fields of green were behind her. In front of her she stood at the edge of a cliff so high she appeared to stand even with the setting sun. The water glowed with the imbued colors the sun bestowed upon it, and in places it glittered like amber and diamonds. She rose slowly from her sitting position wiping the tears from her brown eyes. Tucking a stray piece of brown hair behind her ears she watched the sun make its slow descent wondering how it was that she came here.

This place was new to her. No stranger to calming environments, she was rather a master of creating them. However this was not her place, she did not know whose place it was.

The grass grew tall enough that with the care of a lovers caress each blade seemed to stroke her bare ankles. The white dress she wore came to about an inch below her knees and swayed lightly as she moved, sensitizing her skin to every whisper about her. Her eyes focused once more on her surroundings and as she leaned gently forward, she saw below the white velvet sands. Occasional strands of grass grew out from the cliff displaying proudly the marriage of earth and sandy beach. Seagulls overhead called softly, not loudly as they often do, as if not wishing to disturb her as she gained her bearings.

The sun in front of her changed from bright yellow to amber orange as it slowly set deep into the vast ocean in front of her. She could almost hear the noise it made sliding into the depths of approaching night and she stood transfixed at this vision of peace.
Somewhere in a distant world, she was aware that her real self sat, eyes closed, reclining, having asked for this moment, hoping that she would find peace as the walls of chaos enclosed her. Smiling, she realized that while this wasn’t her sanctuary or the others, it was something new… a new addition to her blissful home.

Behind her the grass rustled as something walked quickly towards her. Engrossed as she was in the sun, she wasn’t aware of the presence until the warmth of its body brushed against her calves. She looked down and saw the warm eyes of her dog “Mushu”. She cried aloud tears springing to her eyes as she knelt down to hug her companion. Mushu greeted her with all the love that she was always known to have, licking at her nose and yelping a bit in excitement. Mushu looked healthy and vibrant. Her coat glistened with a healthy shine, and the caramel, toffee, and onyx colors of her coat were bright. The white spot that had been on her back, always looking like a heart was prominent as if it had been brushed and made to stay that way. She wrapped her arms around the dog feeling its heartbeat against her chest.

So involved was she, that she didn’t notice again, the next warm touch against her body. Turning startled, she looked and saw her other dog “Dotty”. Dotty, who had passed many years ago from cancer looked so healthy now. Her fur was brushed fine and sparkling in its color of perfect white. She looked at her with her gray eyes and sat prettily looking for attention but not rushing, savoring the reunion. Picking up the hem of her dress gently to fully kneel in the grass, she wrapped Dotty in a hug so tight she feared it was too much. Mushu joined Dotty and together all three sat in the cliff hugging, and playing while tears crept down the woman’s face. She felt a joy she hadn’t felt in a long time at the sight of her old companions, and for the first time her spirit was lifted.

She stood quietly at long last, giving each dog one last pat on the head, and turned to face the sun again, now a brilliant shade of orange. Each dog flanked her sides and sat in quiet showing their respect for the miracle she was witnessing.

Again she heard the grass rustling and this time didn’t turn in anticipation, but smiled wondering what other joys this sanctuary would bring her. She felt rather than saw the hand reaching for her shoulder. She turned slowly her breath caught in her throat as she saw the woman of light she had known as Jessie. Her image shimmered as light does, but slowly became clear and solid. Smiling at her was the true image of the woman who had moved her so in her life. No words were spoken, but the eyes connecting spoke volumes enough. Suddenly, facing Jessie she saw images, a slight wavering of the air, a shimmering even with no hint of what lay beyond. She squinted as Jessie squeezed her shoulder lightly reassuring her, and before her one by one materialized three women that she had not seen in years. With a cry, stifled by the sudden lump in her throat, she reached forward to touch the first woman’s face.

“Kathleen…” it came out as a whisper and the mirage shimmered becoming solid smiling and nodding.

To Kathleen’s left a woman with fiery red hair, tall as an Amazon with beautiful sparkling blue eyes appeared. At this sight, the tears flowed freely and she let them fall without hesitation. She didn’t even need to speak but heard her say what she couldn’t speak aloud.

“Grandma…” She smiled at the vision even though her eyes nearly clouded over with tears. The air rippled around the figure as it became solid and she could see her grandmother reaching forward to gently touch her heart with a now solid hand. The touch electrified her and gave her immeasurable calm at the same time.

To her left, the air rippled and danced again with sparkling shimmers of light and the last vision appeared quickly as if it couldn’t wait to be seen. The woman covered her mouth and held her breath not believing what she was seeing.

“Pamela…” the word came out husky, throaty, as if it had gotten lodged in her throat… “My sister…” she continued silently.

She watched each of these woman, each who had a special effect on her life at various points in her life. She knew then, at least one purpose for this visit. She had asked for peace, had fallen into the reclining chair in her waking world crying for solace as the ghosts of her past came, haunting her with madness.

She turned back to Jessie while Mushu and Dotty danced happily at her feet carefree as dogs are… She spoke in her mind, as she reached for Jessie’s hands.
”I failed you” she cried silently her tears like silver slipping from her glowing eyes to trace a path down her cheeks.

Jessie squeezed her hands tightly and smiled intoning in what must only be the voice of an angel…

“No my dear, you did not. You gave me what it is you seek now. You gave me joy, peace and rest.” She smiled at her letting her words sink in before continuing. “And I am here always with you, wherever you need me. I am in your heart holding the torch to steer away the darkness, to hold your hand when you’re afraid and I am always here.” She smiled and squeezed her hands gently as tears continued tracing healing paths to the woman’s heart. Jessie released the woman’s hands and touched her shoulders, her hands glowing white with light. The touch was warm and radiated out from the shoulders down into her arms. She spoke one last time to her…

“Your arms are imbued with the gift of love. They have the ability to heal just by their being wrapped around another. It is this hug that sets you and others free…”

Jessie stepped back and nodded to her right, indicating she was to talk to her next vision. Reluctantly she turned her head from Jessie, her head swimming with so many questions.

Kathleen put her hands on the woman’s chin steering her gently like a mother would to a child to look into her eyes. She spoke to the woman first, allaying her questions.

“In time as you visit us, you will know more… but we have gifts to give you now my dearest friend.”

The woman looked at Kathleen, her secret tumbling from her lips falling like rose petals to the ground.

“I failed you, I was so mad that you left me… that we had become such good friends, and you left…I just couldn’t handle it, I cried so hard, I just couldn’t let go…” Her body shook with the tears that poured from her raining down onto the grass at her feet. She continued, “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t there for you.”

Kathleen put her hands around the woman’s waist holding gently around the green sash that cinched the white dress and spoke clearly in a soft voice that was carried on the breeze.

“No, my dear, you did not. You were there at a time when I had no one. I had the benefit of knowing you when I was healthy, sharing with you when I laughed, loving you when I lived. I carried that in my heart everyday, and even still to this moment carry it. You were my friend of the heart, and always will be and you can never have never failed me…”
With that said, Kathleen reached forward and ran her hands down the sides of the woman’s body. She spoke quietly, softly…

“Your chest has the ability to heal, for within it beats your heart. Your heart provides the life sustaining energies you need to carry on. Your body, houses it. Your body is a temple of love, it was built that way.” Her hands glowed white as they trailed down her sides and wound up around her waist again. “Respect your temple, it is within there that your love resides, where you can dip into the bottomless well of light that you have.” She smiled and stepped one step back her fingers trailing away from the woman. She nodded gently, indicating she should talk to the next one to her right.

Learning quickly the routine, and staving off the endless questions, she turned slowly her eyes welling up again with silver tears. She didn’t even reach forward to touch her grandmother fearing that to do so would break the magical spell cast upon her that allowed her to see her soul mate once again.

“Grandma…” the words trailed off and she couldn’t speak again. Of the deep secrets she had for these people, this one hurt the most… She dare not speak it.

Her grandmother stepped forward and wrapped her in a hug that at once lifted her spirits to soar. She felt light as if she could fly, and she felt warmth seeping in to carry away the taint of negativity she had. Her grandmother whispered to her in her ear…

“I know you think you failed me. I know you think that because you got tired of saying goodbye everyday to be prepared for my leaving, that the one day you didn’t and the next I was gone was your fault. You were a child my darling, and knew nothing of the ways of the world at the time. But trust me, I knew then, as I know now, as I have always known from the moment my daughter came home with you… that you loved me and still do.”

The woman shook with the force of the tears that overwhelmed her hearing her grandmother say these words.

Her grandmother kept her wrapped tightly in a hug, but took her left hand and began to lovingly stroke her hair. Her hands glowed white with every pass, leaving trails of white light in the woman’s hair each time. She continued on to stroke her ear and neck as she whispered to her.

“Your head my child has always had the ability to comprehend emotions just as much as your beautiful heart. Your ears have the ability to hear that, which most cannot at first glance. What you think you lack, you have so much of… You just have to reach for it. It’s always been inside of you, it was given to you, and you just have to use it.”

Her grandmother hugged her tighter and whispered in her heart “I love you my sweet angel.” She released her hug and the woman nearly fell over not wanting to let go. She didn’t care now that her eyes were so blinded with tears that she could barely see. She looked at all four of the visions and saw them for what they truly were; angels… her angels.

Her grandmother smiled at her and nodded towards her sister, indicating that this was her next visit.

She stood silently facing the woman that she missed so, and was unable to speak. Pamela put her index finger over her own lips and smiled her beautiful quirky smile that had always graced her in life.

She glided forward and placed both her hands on her sisters heart. They glowed an alternating color of white, softest healing pink, then green. She smiled up at her sister waiting for her to speak as she knew her words must be spoken first… Eventually her voice found her and she spoke through wracking sobs.

“I was so mad at you. I was so mad at you for always taking mother away from me with your illnesses and needs. I was mad at you for leaving that night. I was mad that you chose those people over us. Those people we left behind when we moved, that didn’t care about you… you left us for them. “ She spoke faster and faster until she could barely understand herself, but she had so much to say…

“Then, the night you were in the hospital, I was mad at God. I told him I would never forgive him if he took you. I felt responsible for you since we had been growing closer, you see? And how could I be responsible for you, if you were gone. You were all I had… I cursed God that night. I told him I could never forgive…” and she leaned forward against her sisters hands sobbing with all her guilt her words dissipating on the gentle breeze of dusk.
All three of the other visions moved behind her supporting her and whispering words of comfort to her.

Pamela finally spoke and her voice was the softest sweetest sound the woman had ever heard. As she spoke the light that emanated from her hands pulsed into her sisters heart.

“I know you were mad at me. All those years, because you excelled, you didn’t need. But I did. My time in this world was short, because I needed to be here… for you.” She smiled at the woman so gently, the smile of a mother to a young child, not condescending but full of the most beautiful love.

Her tears slowly began to abate as the woman held her up, and her sister covered her heart. She looked at her eager for her to continue and the vision did not disappoint.

“Your heart my sister, your beautiful heart is the essence of it all. You were given these gifts by angels, and though you were afraid, now is the time. Now more than ever, you need to live in your heart. You have tremendous gifts to bestow on those that want them. Your heart is a beacon sister. It is a light that shines in the darkest of times and people see it… you must let it shine so people have hope; so people know of love. You have the heart of an angel sister, let everyone see it.”

She gently moved her hands away from her heart and smiled at her shimmering softly in the approaching night.

The woman turned back towards the water; it felt like the right thing to do. She stood there watching the stars wink into existence as the moon looked upon the angels and their charge. Both dogs sat at her legs, their bodies pressed up against hers offering unwavering love. The angels stepped behind the woman, placing their hands on her body. One hand on a shoulder, one on her head, one on her waist, and the last, on her back directly over where her heart was… And into the deep night they stood. The four guardian angels and their charge, offering her hope and light in the darkest of times.

It was an image she would not soon forget.

©SKW

I am in LOVE!

2007-07-27T10:26:00.000-05:00

I first met him two months ago when I was apartment hunting. My eyes spied him sitting idly in a corner at the Amli leasing office, looking at me. He wore black and silver and smelled divine! His bright blue eyes blinked at me beckoning and so I came over and made my acquaintance. With a shaky hand I reached out and said hello. I’ve been infatuated ever since.

The next time I saw him, He wore the same black and silver, his blue eyes ever bright and flashing. He beckoned this time again, and I couldn’t resist; my feet gliding over to where he stood as if in a trance. I even showed Mrs. Virgo his way and off she went smiling to share in this heavenly sight. I smiled too as I inhaled his rich scent and indulged again & again & again, basking in the brief moment of our interlude. Sadly when it came time for me to leave, I was left perpetually longing for more.

The third time I saw him, Mrs. Virgo had him at her house. I was so jealous! But still, his soothing eyes, the inviting aroma, it was too much to be angry at… (I mean how can you be angry when the brightest blue eyes ever, penetrate your soul!) and I’ve since headed over to her place to partake of his presence twice now! Every single time we got together, the experience left me satisfied and yet... always longing for more. (I know, I’m so bad).

But now, our union is finally complete. I thought Google Man would be very upset at this intrusion to our relationship. I thought for sure when I let him come home into my heart, and accepted him fully into my life that Google man would brandish the sword of jealousy and demand he leave our home immediately! But Google man surprised me... He smiled and told me that he too thought this was just what we needed in our lives.

Yes, it’s true, I’ve given my heart to another. And he’s wonderful! He is warm, quick (but not so quick that I can’t enjoy it!), he only steams off once in a while, and the end result of any interaction with him is the finest, sweetest, longest, best times I’ve had to date. Well as good as anyone can have, with a coffee maker.

Here he is folks! Meet Mr. B70…

He makes one cup at a time, he brews it perfectly, he doesn’t make a mess, and never complains as often as I (*Ahem*)… use him. He is, the perfect addition to any woman’s (or coffee, tea, or hot chocolate lovers) life ;)

Yes...life is very good.

Doubts & Stress & Decisions... Oh my!

2007-07-26T07:56:00.000-05:00

Lately I have had cause to wonder why I had the surgery last year. Now the minute I have thoughts like that I know; I need to change something FAST. Because I'll tell you why I had the surgery: "Because my life is worth saving".

My life lately (seems since last year) has been one rush or another. Starting with the vacuum of silence that penetrated everything as I was diagnosed, to the onslaught of painful noise when stress, life, and dealing with it all began (and continues) to assault my ears.

Something needs to give when I start to think thoughts like that, for even one SECOND.

I have some hard decisions in front of me. Recurring medical issues and bills threaten the tenuous balance I have on my finances daily and I'm not complaining or whining, simply stating a fact. This is one of my biggest stresses.

My job gets no better, and for each day I have to take off for a medical appointment I lose pay. My boss who was asked by her partner here to look into insurance because he knew I would need it, has decided that she wont (for whatever reason). So in the end I must go. This is another of my biggest stresses and one of my daily struggles as getting up to go to this job gets harder and harder each day.

Some stresses were removed; the move is done and I'm settling in, and now the quietness of normalcy in some ways is setting in. This is a welcome relief, but there are other things as well going on that were not planned (though on the big scale they are small in comparison).

I've sat in depression a few times over these stresses, cried some about it, and yet today seem to have a clearer head about it all.

I was stressing about having to file bankruptcy. I've worked so hard since my divorce to get my credit to a good place. My efforts paid off with my credit rating being higher than 30% of the general public. And thanks to some very generous people who helped during my cancer, my credit didn't slip because the bills were paid on time. But I cannot rely on others to fix this. I have a choice, I can choose to be sad about it or do something about it. I'm here for a reason, and it's not to sit in stress or wallow in tears over things.

I'm 85% convinced that bankruptcy is the way to go (I do not see any other option really...) And when I was sad about it, I remembered what someone said to me (I can't even remember who): "You do what you have to do, your life is worth everything".

I understand. Tomorrow I may be sad as my emotions wax and wane & over time I may lose sight of that statement. But where it counts truly, deeply I understand.

Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today may you have clear sight to your goals & dreams. No matter how far away they seem or how out of your grasp, the fact that they are there makes them worth the journey.

You are a blessing to me everday.
XO

Communication

2007-07-25T09:41:00.001-05:00

Communication is not always easy. Just ask all the counselors out there who see a lack of it everyday in their practice. It’s not easy. But for me, sometimes and especially as of late, it’s become more than not easy. It’s become a mental journey through struggle of conversations that may not go as I plan.

I’m still getting used to the emotions that run through me at any given time; some known and some that sneak up on me pouncing at the most inappropriate times. Sometimes I can see the differences in communication though not at the time I’m having the discussion. It takes me a “cool down” time that I never really had to deal with too much before. After the heat is over (which can take days sometimes now) I can see that my mother and talk differently and after 31 years of communicating, we still don’t have it right. I can see that she states the obvious because she’s thinking aloud, and I can see that when she does that during a time when I’m upset, I leap to conclusions. I can see that sometimes she means what she says and says she doesn’t mean it when she see my reaction, because she’s trying to salvage the conversation.

I can see that when a conversation that doesn’t go the way I anticipated and throws more things at me to think about (like someone else’s opinion on the matter), I get confused. I suffer the fight or flight syndrome when conversations like that happen, having to struggle to not say “Okay, fine, forget it”, when the matter should be pressed and resolved.

Communication is hard. Relationships are work. But the payoff is a reward when mastered successfully that is immeasurable. I have to work hard to see the end goal sometimes, thanks to my emotions clouding everything. And more often than not, tears are the only thing that open my eyes even as they cloud them.

So beware friends if we argue, or have difference of opinion; don’t take things personally, state your opinion or feelings clearly and without a rise in temper, and remember that sometimes I’m not going to be myself as far as emotional stability. In return, I will remember to breathe and resolve the issue until it’s exhausted itself into nothingness. I will also work very hard to control the roller coaster of emotions inside me so that harsh words are not spoken that have no basis in truth.

These are the thoughts on my mind today.

Muse

Weekend of fun

2007-07-23T09:51:00.000-05:00

“We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” ~George Bernard Shaw

This weekend was amazingly long, definitely too short, full of great fun, warm hearts, blissful joy, lots of walking, good food, good company, and lots of laughter.

This past weekend I had the great fortune to meet for the first time face to face the person known online as Elindo. We have been friends online for quite some time now and he (and his family!) is as close to me as anyone. This visit was nearly 5 years in the making and finally despite some struggles (and a delayed flight of over 4 hours!) he arrived late Thursday night where I could envelope him in my arms for the first time.

From the very first moment my arms touched him in that brief hug, all was well. We got in the car to head for home and the conversation never ceased. It was as if we were family that had just been apart for a few years, instead of friends who laid eyes upon each other for the first time in 5.

We talked long into the night neither of us wishing to go to bed, until sleep finally claimed us without our consent. We spent Friday, dirtying up and making soap and letting our creativity overwhelm us. Amid all the plans and aspirations of things to get done over the weekend, there was a level of calm that meant nothing mattered. The carefully laid plans didn’t NEED to be done if we wished it, the timing of things was irrelevant if we just wanted to stop and slow it down…

Shortly into the early afternoon Friday, my second guest joined us. Eluniar arrived, parents in tow and proceeded to join in the festivities wholeheartedly. It felt from that moment on that we (all four of us) were always meant to have been together this weekend, and that perhaps in the future we would always find this comfortable niche among us. Eluniar and Elindo having never met seemed to not find that awkward first meeting present for them. They gelled perfectly and off we all went to our weekend of fun.

Friday we played games, Saturday we went to the renaissance fair (pictures to come soon!), we talked all along, and we laughed, and had the best time. On Sunday we had the best breakfast ever, to help sweeten the inevitable sadness I felt as everyone departed for home.

There isn’t enough room on the page to tell you all we said or did. But what I can convey to you is the happiness that radiated through me all weekend long to have been around such great people, good friends, and good times. I love you Elindo and Eluniar, it was my pleasure and honor to have you two bright spirits in my home this weekend. Thank you, for my seemingly perpetual smile today.

XO

Muse

The Day is Done

2007-07-19T07:30:00.000-05:00

A fitting poem today.

The Day Is Done

The day is done, and the darkness
Falls from the wings of night,
As a feather is wafted downward
From an eagle in his flight.
I see the lights of the village
Gleam through the rain and the mist,
And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me
That my soul cannot resist:
A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain.
Come, read to me some poem,
Some simple and heartfelt lay,
That shall soothe this restless feeling,
And banish the thoughts of day.
Not from the grand old masters,
Not from the bards sublime,
Whose distant footsteps echo
Through the corridors of Time.
For, like strains of martial music,
Their mighty thoughts suggest
Life's endless toil and endeavor;
And to-night I long for rest.
Read from some humbler poet,
Whose songs gushed from his heart,
As showers from the clouds of summer,
Or tears from the eyelids start;
Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.
Such songs have power to quiet.
The restless pulse of care,
And come like the benediction
That follows after prayer.
Then read from the treasured volume
The poem of thy choice,
And lend to the rhyme of the poet
The beauty of thy voice.
And the night shall be filled with music
And the cares, that infest the day,
Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,
And as silently steal away.
~Henry Longfellow

Psychology with Dr. muse

2007-07-18T09:51:00.000-05:00

I accept Life & Health;
I receive this gift

(My mantra yesterday just before another doctor's visit)
~*~*~*~*~*~

I feel like a broken record. It seems that for the past year at least, my life has been a series of doctor’s visits and Chaotic emergencies; peppered with a roller coaster ride of newly discovered emotions, memory loss, and uncertainty. I wonder sometimes how this all came about. What happened that started this? Or maybe even, what happened in another life that I’m paying for now. Cosmically, Karma dictates that something was done. Logically reality dictates that I’ve just been unhealthy recently. Psychologically the mind dictates that maybe things are just getting out of hand and I’ve reached my limit with what I can take.

If these tests come back with anything wrong, I will of course do what I need to do and figure out something later on to help with the financial issues. If they come back with something easily treatable, then the things I go through that cause me great pain need to be alleviated by stress relief. If they come back with nothing wrong, then I need some help to examine my life and make changes DRASTICALLY, accordingly.

I see changes in either event on three major horizons.

1. Job – Finding something to do that fulfills me in some manner. I can no longer do just “any” job. But my emotional and psychological well being needs to be “fed” and helping others in SOME capacity is the way to go. I just have to sit down, iron out what I want and find it. Not an easy process but one that is part of life’s journey and must be made.

2. Diet – I need to unlock the door to my physical well being. This means working out whatever little psychological demon is causing me to fall prey to my depression and eat when I should be doing other things (meditating, working out). This is becoming a problem as my health seemingly declines. I know, for a fact, that if this doesn’t change, I will not be around to talk about these things for as many years as I’d like to be.

3. Spirituality – I need to dedicate myself to a path. Any path. Even if it’s just meditation every morning that’s something. I need to center myself and raise my vibrational energy to a higher level so peace can be attained. In filling myself with this spirituality of whatever I feel resonates with my soul, then I can give that to others… not before.

My problem is always and has always been motivation, consistency, and dedication. Finding time between gaming, relationships, and a stressful job is difficult. Finding the balance between them all has been nearly impossible. I believe I can do all three things listed above and enjoy them immensely. But my priorities need to change.

I have to come first. That is perhaps the hardest lesson for someone like me to learn.

It’s not conceit that drives that statement. It’s recognition that without filling myself up first, that I can’t give to others because I have nothing to give. Giving without having filled yourself up first is a self destructive behavior. Psychologically it leads to the “martyr” syndrome, and subsequently to guilt when perceived obligations are not achieved. Emotionally it leads to unhealthy attachments; attachments to actions and goals that may seem admirable, but really do nothing for anyone. Spiritually, it’s a temporary way to fill the void that only *I* can fill by my own caring for myself; and that also is a bad pattern to begin.

I look back on my twenties and I can really see how I felt I was invincible, how I had so much time, how nothing was too urgent (at least nothing of spiritual, emotional, or physical importance). I can truly see now the division between 20’s and now. While I do not feel that I’m on a ticking clock, I realize now that each second we waste not taking care of ourselves and then helping others is time wasted on nothing. Money is not important except for basic survival, & fulfillment in career (for me) is not important unless it fulfills me inside, and allows me to help others. I want to do better for myself.

I keep talking about that, but don’t really see too much change in that direction. Sure a spurt here or there, but no real consistency. Sometimes it takes time and repetition for new behaviors/habits to sink in. Let’s see if this new wave of health issues, stress and financial pains helps keep me focused. It’s a lesson I’ve seen repeated too many times in my life to be continually ignored.

Be well,
Muse

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

Today I wish you well. I wish you peace. I wish you fulfillment and all things bright and beautiful. You deserve it.

You are a blessing to me everyday

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

“Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.”

~Natalie Goldberg

15 minutes with me... the good, the bad, and the stark truth (confession too)

2007-07-17T11:05:00.000-05:00

“Oh, you’re such a wimp”

The ups and downs of a 15 minute session with me… (In other words: What I’m doing right now)

I sit here today knowing that I’ve written three or more posts, and deleted them all instead of posting them feeling that they lacked any interest whatsoever.

I sit here deciding finally to post and hope it’s well received.

I sit here waiting for the next phase of my life because it seems I’m stuck in a rut in some ways.

I sit here grateful for so many things

I sit here suffering from menopause and that makes me depressed over so many other things

I sit here about to announce my biggest dark secret and here it goes… I sit here suffering from withdrawal from nicotine from a bad habit I picked up *after* I had cancer and thanks to someone who introduced that and the goodness of food back into my life, helping me to gain all the weight I lost after the surgery right back again; someone who really really hurt me (yes immediately after my surgery when I was the weakest).

I sit here worried about the 5th various medical test (anything from: high white blood cell count, swollen lymph nodes, chest pains) I’m about to take in as little as two weeks, and hoping that *if* they find something wrong I can wait until after this weekend to have anything done.

I sit here knowing how stupid this post sounds but not able to stop typing it

I sit here hoping that I find some money soon, or a better job, or a means to escape some financial hardship

I sit here with secret thoughts that I will share with only one person

I sit here afraid

I sit here happy in so many ways, soothed even, while I listen to music on my iPod.

I sit here typing and all this sadness is coming out of me

I am so sad for so many people who are going through things, heartache, physical ache, loss of family/friends

I sit here contemplating the words verbal abuse as they relate to the workforce

I sit here having ignored a request from my boss to come see someone’s baby’s photos because I could care less about their circle of friends or their kids and I’m certainly not going to waste time going to see a picture of any of them

I wonder if what I just said was mean… Then I think about the above opening statement provided to me by my superior yesterday and tell myself it’s not mean at all.

I sit here HATING the fact that I sit right next to the damn toilet in the office here and NO one seems to care that this might be a bad thing?

I sit here reading the blog “Post Secret” Because I love to know people confess things, and I regularly look for my two initial posted confessions (which I haven’t seen yet).

And finally, at the 15th minute of my 15 minutes of fame in my blog right now, I sit here ready to fall asleep from exhaustion as it seems no matter how long I sleep I never get enough, or maybe not good quality or whatever, and hope that I can change things in my life, because if I don’t… I do not know what will happen.

~*~*~*~*~*~
This was the easiest way to write my post today. Sorry if it’s less than stellar for the first post I’ve made in a few days. But there is a struggle going on, and while there are good things too (there always are) the struggle is enough to again silence me. I refuse to be silent anymore.

Muse

Moving on up... not necessarily to the East side

2007-07-10T07:56:00.000-05:00

I startled awake and bleary eyed looked at the clock. The floating numbers called out 6:30am.

"Oh Crap! My first day back and I'm going to be late!"

And so began the usual routine of trying to squeeze a few extra minutes in, when you have none to spare.

I am so tired. I am so sore. But I am moved into a new place that has the feel of a luxury resort. Life is good.

Friday, the move went longer than anticipated, due to stairs, and a freight elevator on the other side of the world for all intents and purposes. 6.5 hours after we started, the men cleared out, and we were left walking through a sea of boxes. I do have to say we did fairly good in keeping the boxes in their respective rooms though. We did manage to leave a small walkway through the apartment. We stayed up quite late unpacking and got the bathroom and part of the kitchen done before making the bed and literally collapsing in it.

Saturday I woke with the most horrendous pain in my right neck. Turns out I was so tired I fell alseep on my right shoulder, and stayed in that position, all night long. Not a good thing. In light of that and the packing we had done for two days straight, we decided Saturday, not Sunday would be our rest day.

Sunday my neck pain had gone from a pain in the neck to a pain in my collarbone and was steadily reaching forward into my upper arm. but no time for pain, must unpack! And unpack we did. All the dishes were washed, the second bedroom became more organized and finally when at 9pm I lifted a box and promptly dropped it (my arm literally gave out on me), I knew I was done.

It should be noted that I soaked each night in the most luxurious bathtub, in the hugest bathroom complete with a double vanity, and it was bliss.

Monday, I could not do too much. My arm, neck, and shoulder were ablaze with pain, so I slept. I dozed on the couch, did some laundry, finished the dishes and slept. I tried to be online but using the mouse hurts too much. So I rested.

All this went really well, today the pain isn't as bad, but it's still present. I have an underground parking spot (yay no more cleaning off snow!), and an INCREDIBLE view of the sunset. Being on the 4th floor we're just above the treeline so it is an amazing sight to see! As soon as I find my camera, I promise I will provide pictures.

~*~*~*~*~*~

And now for the medical news:

I noticed in my throat about a month ago now, a lump that wasn't going away. I had an appointment with my cardiologist for some heart related issues and I brought it up to her thinking it was an infection from something as benign as acid reflux. She said, it probably wasn't that because this was a swollen lymph node, not infected tissue. So I had to have more blood work done.

On Saturday, in the midst of relaxing in the early afternoon, I received a phone call from my doctor. My test results are back from my blood workup. My white blood cell count is high again and they want me to see an ENT (ear, nose, throat specialist) to have the lump looked at in detail. I will keep you posted (for those of you who wish to know) after I see my doctor for my second post op screening this thursday.

The hopes are high that this is just an infection or something due to stress. It would help if we all thought that :)

~*~*~*~*~*~

So now I'm back at work with 34 awaiting emails, not wanting to be here at all. I've already had my talk with S for the morning and thankfully she wont be in until after 10am. It might just be a good day after all ;)

Thanks to those who wished me well during the move. I'm glad to be moved, and hoping for smooth sailing ahead. :)

Be well everyone...You are a blessing to me everyday.
Muse

Find your inner Paul Potts

2007-07-05T13:19:00.000-05:00

I happened to have some time on my hands today at work. I'm getting ready for a move, have so much to do and yet at work I've returned to the boring every day. It's like time stops for me while at work (which may not be such a good thing).

It turns out today it WAS a good thing. In the midst of doing, well absolutely nothing, I turned to the internet for time relief. I went to a few places I normally do, before hitting MSNBC.com. I read through as much drama, death, war, that I could stand and finally turned to the entertainment section.

And there I saw it.

Media these days is all about all the information all the time, all upfront. In some ways that's good, in others it's bad. It makes for a very long day when all you hear is how the world is suffering throughout. It's hard sometimes to find a good story, let alone an inspirational one.

I read this story, and thought, oh I see, another article intending to make fun of someone who pursued their heart. But I was wrong, I'm happy to admit that... I was wrong.

So take a looksee at the article linked here. Lets celebrate inspirational journalism today. And even if it doesn't "move" you, then lets breathe a sigh of relief that there is something... somewhere... in this world that is NICE.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19291117/

Secrets

2007-07-05T00:20:00.000-05:00

Secrets carried through smoke filled rooms
Glide above our knowledge
The moon hangs suspended
Smiling, knowing all

And strangers though we are, we begin to dance.

Whisked away on a breeze unannounced
While clouds carry on indifferent
Drinks rattle, liquid swirls
The bar speaks volumes of nothing

And we carry on unaware, holding onto our secret.

Truth in the lies that are spoken
Lies in the truths that are whispered
Does anyone know the real story?
Music pounds, bass shatters the words

And we arrive closer, our dance becoming fire.

Pushing closer our bodies intertwine
Secrets captured in our heat
Frozen in the space between our hearts
And the dance plays out

And we are master artists, painting a picture of oblivion.

In a glance our eyes lock
The smoke wafts around us
Words felt in a single overheard whisper
We shake, our climactic dance at its peak

And we sigh, we sigh, we wish for more.

A nod, a smile and we agree silently
To return to blissful denial for just one more moment.
Ice clinks in glasses slowly warming
Laughter springs abundantly from a far away world

And we reluctantly realize the completion has passed.

We are in a world of secrets, of lovers, of indifference
Without warning our dance completes
We go back to our private cup of loneliness...apart
And begin watching the smoke in the room,

Hoping it heralds the next secret.

©SKW

~*~*~*~
I have no idea where this came from tonight. I was watching some smoke against the night sky, the first two lines began repeating in my head... I sat down and out this came. I think it's pretty good. what do you think?

Vacation Memories

2007-06-28T09:55:00.000-05:00

My hand gripped the door handle and all I could think of was “I’m on vacation!” The trip had begun without a hitch thus far as we sat in the car driving (rocketing :P) towards our destination 7 hours away.

Then the bomb fell (insert dramatic music here). Google man turned to look at me and said these dreaded words “You need to navigate”.

“What? You DO know who you’re talking to right?”

So yours truly, directionally challenged and all, got a quick cliff notes version on how to read a map folks. That’s it, hell has truly frozen over, the muse provided directions (good ones at that)! Well, short of that small bump in the road in the beginning, our drive was smooth.

7 hours later we arrived in the sleepy little cabin area that is called “Tall Pines Resort”. Dotted all over the lakefront area are these cabins, (two bedrooms, small kitchen area, and living room) and docks everywhere. Immediately one takes in the forgotten sounds of nature; frogs in the afternoon heat, birds of all kind chatting to each other, crickets etc.

Stepping onto the deck of the cabin we were to stay in, it took me a few moments to adjust to the heat. But once I did, I sat down and immediately all the tension I felt over health worries, moving, money, literally just drained right out of me. How could it have stayed?

We met some really down to earth & funny people. We had so much fun on the pontoon boat (especially after I made Google man swear he wasn’t going to kill me with his driving on the boat! I swore I would haunt his family if he killed me :P)

But it wasn’t really until I was on the boat standing at the front watching the open lake, smelling the air as it whipped through my hair, and feeling the splash of the water against my skin, that I felt completely at home. With my Ipod firmly attached, Enya took the perfect opportunity to play “Water Shows the Hidden Heart” and it was a ride of pure bliss. The music, the air, the eagles, the water; I very nearly cried with happiness.

Bits of poetry came to mind, images sprang to life as they began to paint themselves in my memory & I soaked all I could in, so I could archive every second of it in my hall of “great moments lived”. I learned right there, what it was to be living in the moment, the lesson I had been striving to learn for some time.

And so I did live in the moment...

Packing seemed so far away, health concerns were non existent, and the child in me came out to play. It was a glorious time, one I shall never forget, and definitely EXACTLY what the Dr. Ordered for me…

(pics below)

I am so blessed for the experience I had, the company I kept, the peace I felt. Just as you, are a blessing to me as well…everyday.

Be well friends.

Rock Formations line the highway as we drive on....

Signs of the country abound...

Almost there!

At last, 7 hours later we reach our destination...

The moon makes her presence known early into the night...

Greenery, Nature, Loving it!

Heading out of the dock, on the pontoon boat, a water lily floats nearby...

Houses flank the shore, summer home delight!

Talk about a peaceful place to rest!

Amazing treeline!

Sparkling, like diamonds, the water is soooo inviting...

So close you could just touch it....(And I did! I swam in it :P)

Back on land, the flowers stand tall...

Look closely! do you see the frog?

Dragonflies are everywhere!

Sometimes they even darted close enough that I could take their picture...

The most majestic, regal bird I have ever seen, the Bald Eagle. (Sorry it's not a better shot, he never really got too close, though I got to see him close with binoculars... It took my breath away)

Second attempt to take his picture, better, but not the best...

The approaching sunset kisses the water in the sleepy little resort area...I didn't want to leave

And on our way home, we are greeted by a sunburst with gorgeous long rays. The sun stretches her arms far, and warmth reaches all.

Hope you enjoyed the pics!

Vacation; Reconnecting with Serenity

2007-06-22T09:13:00.000-05:00

"The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it." -- Richard Bach.

"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others." -- Peace Pilgrim

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." -- Agnes Repplier.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Vacation!

That’s a word I’m not familiar with at all :P Yes, your very own muse is taking her first vacation since 1995. I’m going to be spending 4 wonderful days disconnected from everything in Wisconsin. No cell reception and no internet… I’m either going to die or be in heaven :P

I’m looking forward to swimming, sleeping, reading, writing, taking pictures, getting on my first pontoon boat ever, more reading, watching sunrises and sunsets, good company, writing, swimming… not necessarily in that order; oh and getting grounded again! No better way to do that than in the presence of nature :)

This vacation comes right on the heels of a very stressful time for me. Right now as of this moment I have (not including today) 7 days to finish packing my house and then I move. I’ve been attempting to throw out more than I am boxing, and I’ve been doing well (having already filled up the dumpster once :P). This time, unlike last year when I cleaned, I’m getting rid of any shred of left over from my marriage. It’s time now, to officially say goodbye to that past and I’ve done so in leaps and bounds lately.

I’m going back for my second post op screening to make sure there is no more cancer for me (July 12th) and I’m hoping for the same news as last time, all good! Things should work out well, but keep your fingers crossed just in case.

I’ve been having a bit of heart troubles lately, but even though I’m seeing my cardiologist today, I believe it’s just stress and am hoping that this 4 day vacation will rejuvenate and reground me. I need that, my life has been on a roller coaster ride since last July.

I have to say I’ve been horrible though lately at reading people’s blogs. I’ll get there, it’s just that for the first time in a LONG time, I’m very busy; and as of late I’ve been swamped! I’m looking forward to catching up especially when I move into the new place and get settled.

Thank you for continually checking back with me folks, I’m glad to see you

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

May you find peace, be grounded, smile a lot, cry only a little, and realize at the end of the day that you are special, loved, and cherished by at least one person.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

You are my sunshine... Special Post

2007-06-19T11:14:00.000-05:00

Jessie: But I like fudge on my ice cream
Muse: I like ice cream, but only coffee flavor or cookie dough
Jessie: I like ice Creammmmm! When I get better the first thing I’m going to do is get a BIG bowl of ice cream!
Muse: I like your enthusiasm :P
Muse: I like you *wink*
Jessie: yea, well I Love you Cal!!!
(Conversation in Yahoo Instant Messenger 1-04)

~*~*~*~*~*~

The above snippet was from a conversation I had with Jessie many years ago. I feel like such a jerk right now. Sitting here 6 days after the annual day of her passing and for the first time in now three years, I have missed the date. My only consolation comes from the fact that while I missed the day, I was living my life and that is something I know Jessie would want.

Despite her passing, her soul’s imprint remains firmly etched in mine. She still to this day affects me and I believe she always will.

In a conversation with Seraxa today we spoke of how things happen for a reason. Back when Jessie passed I couldn’t find a reason for such a beautiful soul to have suffered so. I couldn’t understand the forces in life/universe/heaven that would put us two together (even though I’m eternally grateful).

But I understand now. Her presence in my life strengthened me. It made me aware of so many things. It made me want to be more than I thought I was which at the time I thought was pretty good. I was wrong, I could have been so much better and she showed me that. She also strengthened me for my own battle (or brush) with cancer.

I think that Jessie is happy right now. In fact I know she’s happy just being out of pain, and able to watch over us all. But I think she’s standing next to me. Telling me, it’s ok that I’m late in posting; that the fact that I’m living my life is more a testament to her life now, than watching a clock to remember her in sadness.

So today I celebrate her in memory and in my heart. I offer her a banquet of love’s roses, of life’s joys, of happiness’s sweet serenity.

And I celebrate her love “Al” as he is known. For showing me every time I speak with him just how real, true love can be. She is always in our hearts but most especially yours Al…

Everyday I remember you…And today, I celebrate you as well. My angel, Jessie.

~*~

Jessie's Candle

Light a candle for Jessie or someone else you love... It takes only a few seconds.

35 year old Uncertainty...

2007-06-18T13:29:00.001-05:00

If I were to die tomorrow,
Would my life have meant anything?

Would I have understood,
not just on the surface,
but deeply and personally,
that love is the only thing that matters?

Would I have smiled,
with intent,
for no reason other than it felt good
and not just falsely because I could?

Would I have respected myself,
enough to know that 5 minutes a day
really isn't a lot in the whole scheme of things...
And that was certain I could have found the time?

Would I have read all the great works
that I wanted to read,
and let their wisdom be imparted on me
and open my eyes with character & intelligence?

Would I have looked with a less judgemental eye,
at the things, people, ideals, traditions,
that I didn't understand
and instead smiled fully, accepting others?

Would I have risen above my oppression,
whatever I deemed that to have been,
and strode tall and firm
into the new waters of my life unexplored?

Would I have allowed myself,
many tears without shame,
so that my inner child,
learned from the start that we're all ok?

Would I have offered myself in trust
without fear skirting around the edges,
so that I could fully, if even for one moment
experience the bliss of romantic love?

Would I know intimately
that I am the cause and effect in my life
regardless of others,
and that I made the changes I could for ME?

~*~

Typing away at this reality
the reservor of emotion precariously perched
around me... life... work...
inside me uncertainty.

The shadow of youth's death
Ha! Youth at any age,
sits behind me,
my tail of reality

The echoes of my body,
aging slowly,
are more prominent now
and I am aware of them.

The burning questions,
cycling through my mind
are:

What have I done?

What have I learned?

How will I live it?

Questions as of yet, unanswered.

©SKW

Awakening...

2007-06-12T10:54:00.000-05:00

Awakenings

What is this stirring inside of me?
Soft butterfly wings dance against my soul
Warmth, the flood of emotion rushing in,
Far too loud to be ignored.

Had I forgotten?
Had indolence taken hold,
Erasing every vestige of memory
And yet, she laughs & reveals her charms to me again.

What shall I do?
I must act now, immediately
To keep the fires burning,
I dip my pen in ink and begin.

Why has she come now?
What impetuous brings the imp back to me
The nymph, the goddess, the creative force
Fluttering against my chest, reminding.

No matter, for how can I possibly ignore her?
I shall take her hand,
And dance like a child again.
In a place where dreams roam free.

How soft and gentle is this forgotten memory
Somewhere a perfect rose blossoms
In her honor,

And I remember...

The day my muse came back to me.

Good things are coming.... The Library of Light

2007-06-06T07:40:00.000-05:00

This is only temporary...good things are coming. ~Phil Hopley

~*~*~*~*~*~

It's hard to see "temporary" when everything is in front of your face screaming at you. Life is just that...life and this is it. It's what we make of it, this I know... Today, I am grateful for friendship. I'm grateful for the creative energies that surround me on occasion bringing their stories, poetry, dreams to my starved mind. I’m grateful for the time spent, quality time, with friends. I'm grateful for the longing I feel when I think of the people I miss in my life. I'm grateful for the experiences that shape me (I may not like them, but I’m grateful for the lessons I DO learn from them).

But mostly today I'm grateful for the friends I have who fill my soul just by being around me. We are all souls on a journey, and sometimes friends can bring you back to the road you lost sight of. Today, I believe these bad times for me, are just temporary… and indeed good things are coming.

Thank you ALL of my friends (today specifically Mrs. Virgo and Aussie_male)

~*~*~*~*~*~
A story for you today...This story appears in The Library of Light. It's a new "blog"/site designed to be your source of inspiration. Give it a read; you might like what you see :)

by: Bill Greer, Chicken Soup for the Veteran's Soul

The sun has begun to set and I hang up the smile I've worn all day. Though I will make sure it is the first thing I put back on in the morning because just in case it is 'that day,' I want her to see me at my very best.

I do the normal routine, eat dinner, clean the house, write -- the usual stuff.

And then I lay down hoping to fall asleep quickly so my new day will hurry up and arrive. A new day with a brand new sun.

But as I lay there and wait for the world to turn half way around, I think about her. And sometimes I smile, and sometimes that smile will turn into a snicker, and then often that snicker will turn into a burst of laughter.

And then there are times I get that lump in my throat and that tight feeling in my chest, and sometimes that feeling overwhelms me and begins to turn into a tear, and often that tear multiplies itself and I can no longer fight the feeling and I lose the battle.

Then somehow through either the joy or the sadness I drift and find myself asleep. Then the dreams begin and keep me company until my new day arrives.

When I awake it's with such excitement! Because I tell myself this could be the day that every other day has led up to and the first day of the rest of my life. I quickly dawn my smile, because I do so want her to see me at my very best. Then I look out the window even though I know it's dawn, but I still have to confirm I've been given another chance to find her.

And there it is ... the sun, even when it's cloudy; somehow I still see it. And it smiles at me and I say "thank you" and I smile back.

Then I ask myself, "Is this the day?" And the excitement rushes over me again. And then I ask myself, "Where's it going to be?"

Maybe it'll be at the water fountain and unexpectedly there I'll find her and much more than my thirst will be quenched.

Maybe it'll be at the grocery store, and there she'll appear as I'm picking out fruit and she'll show me the difference between fresh and spoiled. Then from that moment, nothing that I will eat will ever taste the same. Because she'll bring out the simplest beauties in everything I see, taste, smell, hear, or touch.

Or maybe today will be the day when my Angel brings an item up to the cash register without its price tag. And as I wait behind this Angel with all the frustrated people who are in such a hurry about their busy lives, I will find myself with such blessed extra time. Just enough time to start a conversation with this beautiful vision standing behind me that I might not otherwise would have noticed. But because of a "price check on register 5," I was able to find her.

So will today be the day I say, "THANK YOU GOD!" Thank you for the sun, which began my new day. Thank you for granting me the faith when I arose this morning that I would find her in this new day. But most of all, thank you for me not having to ever wait on another sunrise. Because whenever I want to see it, I will look at her and there it shall always be, in her eyes, she will forever hold it for me.

She is my sunrise, my dawn, my new day.

Inspirational Stories

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

A blessing for you today because in as much as I go through things, I am still blessed... lucky... grateful for you.

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

~Irish Blessing

A little bit of sun.

2007-06-05T10:22:00.001-05:00

Sunlight filters through the glass

Radiating outward, reaching

And I the recipient am unaware

The golden strands seek around my heart

The casual traveler,

My journey has been paused

A pebble in my shoe

Stopped my momentum.

Hindsight...perfect in retrospect shines clear

I would have rejected the cloak of despair

So familiar is it to me,

Acceptance was instant.

The glass shard on the road

Where I fell unceremoniously

Glows golden warm

Blinking away the darkness.

Dull reality fades away

Running from awareness

Perhaps this fall wasn't chance

Maybe the pause was reflection.

My remembrance

That light always shines

Warmth always cures

And somehow, by means unknown to me

Blue or Dark Monday

2007-06-04T13:06:00.000-05:00

One of the worst things to go through (barring the obvious health issues, traumatic life changing events, etc) is to be in a job/career you hate. I remember once working at a company years ago... It was the most “horrible” employer I worked for in a long time. I stayed there a year, and went home every night (just about) in tears. Several times I had panic attacks at work. It was so bad.

Before I even go further, let me tell you up until today, this place (the current job) at its worst was never like the one I just mentioned; but today marked a big step in the same direction of “horrible”.
I just hate this job. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It’s the second place in my entire career ever that has made me cry at work. (I think a large part of those tears were hormones, but still… they were tears). Worse still is that given the amount of resumes I had previously sent out to the amount of actual interviews I was called on to do, and of course the resultant zero jobs… well my morale is low I’m having a hard time climbing out of the hole of despair on this front in my life.

This combined with money woes, moving expenses, my perception of being a burden on many people, has led me to a very low point today. It seems that I’m running fast out of options to make things better and despite some very big, very dramatic efforts to make things better as of late; that true to form something will (and does/has) always come up and things will just continue (in many ways) to suck.

It’s been over a year now since I’ve had a post where I just feel like I am lost. I promised myself I would not get to this point at least not publicly in my blog. And I have tried not to get there… even hesitating from posting so that I wouldn’t spread it without restraint. So bear with me, you hear all the good things as of late, and I’ve kept most of my real worries from you… recognize this is the case when you read this and think “But wait, weren’t things just going excellent?” There were and are in some ways and in others… they are not.

As I was saying, I promised myself I wouldn’t get to this point; but today I just can’t make that promise to myself.

It’s hard when you keep getting beat up in life to keep getting up (thank god I don’t have kids and have to do that for them…). And no matter how “small” the things that knock a person down may seem, they may just be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back and you may not even know it.

So today, I’m going to lay low, lick my wounds and try to regroup. Even if that just means sleep. Sometimes, it’s good to do that.

See you all another day when things are better.
Muse

Wednesday Catch Up & Goddess Inspiration

2007-05-30T10:01:00.000-05:00

Just love everybody that interacts with you no matter how personally, or how peripherally, involved with you they are. The efficiency of the people who deal with you... everything is orchestrated by the manager called Law of Attraction. And your vibration is setting all of it into motion. Everything affecting you is a reflection of the vibration that you are emitting. Spend more time focused upon your dream than upon the reality. The reality gives birth to the dream -- but the dream is where you are wanting to put your attention. --- Abraham Excerpted from the workshop in Houston, TX on Saturday, January 13th, 2001

Thank you Mrs. Virgo for the pick me up quotes I received yesterday. Despite yesterday being a very crappy day overall, these did help keep it from being one that spiraled into some depths of darkness.
~*~*~*~*~*~

So, I’ve been busily packing, showing my house and other things as of late. I had the good fortune the other day to sit in a very comfy chair on my deck with my coffee and find 10 minutes to meditate. It was a very rejuvenating experience. I also started my supplements again today now that my tooth issues are resolved. It’s good to feel healthy goodness coursing through me. The positive result of this today was stepping on the scale and having dropped 6 pounds of 13 gained. I want to lose 7 more and then I’m doing a detox, cleansing program by Isagenix. That should give me the jump start needed to get back on track.

So much has been going on lately; I wouldn’t even know where to begin. So I’ll highlight the things that stick out the most.

1. The Library of Light has been created. I’m seeking contributors who can offer stories of positivity, enlightenment, quotes the embrace positivity. I’m seeking regular contributors as well as those who wish to just contribute once in a while. So far I have two who have indicated interest in regular contributions. This project is only in its initial stages and will take some time to gear up fully, but when ready it should be a brightly lit corner of the web, housing hope, inspiration, and joy. It will also be part of a group of positive sites designed to inspire, offer intentions, and guidance to any who want it.
2. Move date is 7-6, so packing is underway. In the meantime, the landlord is eager to sell the place so I’ve been host to realtors who wish to show the house to their clients. Showing it, eats into the time I have to pack or do my own things so this has been a frustration, but there’s no way around it. I just keep plugging away.
3. No change on the job front. I do not have time to look right now, and even if I DID, I wouldn’t have time to interview. With time off for the first real vacation I’ll have taken in years at the end of June and the move in the first week of July, it’s too difficult unless the potential place is willing to interview after hours. This will need to resume at some point. I MUST get something… Though I have to admit I feel a bit defeated when it comes to this. Out of the prior ones I sent I only got like 4 responses and 3 of those I was highly qualified for. I didn’t get any of them. Really makes me sad.

Other than that, life for the most part is good. There are a few starts and stops (ie a flat tire yesterday, other small things), but I can look at the big picture lately and feel good about where things are. Financially this isn’t so, but I’ve resigned myself to having to suffer these woes until I can get a better job.

In an effort to help me get grounded again and maybe STAY grounded this time, I’ve begun my morning card pulling routine again. As much as I can post, I will post the cards here. They are from my favorite deck called The Gifts of the Goddess. I’ve had these cards for years and when I quit smoking they were part of my daily routine. When I slow down, breathe slowly, and concentrate, I find that when choosing a few of these cards I’m always surprised at how accurate they are for what I’m going through. Here today are my three chosen cards:

~ Goddess of Healing: “I enjoy being healthy and doing what is good for me.” Use this gift when you feel resistant to doing what you know is in your best interest. The desire to sabotage our efforts to improve ourselves comes from our resistance to change. With self improvement comes new activities, friends and other manifestations of change we so often resist because we fear the unknown.
~ Goddess of Perseverance: “I earn my living doing what I love.” Use this gift when you feel unfulfilled by your present manner of employment. You created your present work situation and you can create a better one too. Take on work that nurtures your mind, body, and spirit and that of others. Whatever you do for a living, you can use your creativity to do it. Make your life a work of art and your art a work of life.
~ Goddess of The New: “I love and accept myself as a unique individual.” Use this gift when it seems that you are not being accepted for any reason, but especially if it is because you are different from other people or because you want to be different. You do not need the acceptance of ignorant or intolerant people. You cannot change anyone else. What you need is to love and accept you for being a good person.

How true are these today?

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Live in your dreams today. Let them unfold around you unfettered by reality. Even if it’s just a diversion it is a welcome one. May you have many smiles today.

You are a blessing to me everyday.
Muse

The Simple Life

2007-05-22T13:18:00.000-05:00

The great pioneer of simple living, Helen Nearing, offers eleven wonderfully wise tips for living not only a less stressful life, but for living in a more connected and organic way. Her tips really work: she lived to be 91, and her husband Scott to be 100. Find out the simple principles for Living the Good Life, right here:

1. Do the best you can, whatever arises.

2. Be at peace with yourself.

3. Find a job you enjoy.

4. Live in simple conditions; housing, food, clothing; get rid of clutter.

5. Contact nature every day; feel the earth under your feet.

6. Take physical exercise through hard work; through gardening or walking.

7. Don’t worry; live one day at a time.

8. Share something every day with someone else; if you live alone, write someone; give something away; help someone else somehow.

9. Take time to wonder at life and the world; see some humor in life where you can.

10. Observe the one life in all things.

11. Be kind to the creatures.

Life is Good.

2007-05-21T10:29:00.000-05:00

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain. ~ Maya Angelou

To change one's life: 1. Start immediately, 2. Do it flamboyantly, 3. No exceptions. ~ William James

~*~*~*~*~*~

Lady luck is smiling on me for the first time in a long time. For a while when she situated herself on my shoulder, I thought for sure she had just gotten lost. But sure enough in some areas, she proved her existence to me. This weekend was no exception.

Google man and I have by the virtue of circumstance and interest, decided to share a place to live. This was something decided upon before the fiasco of my landlord telling me I had to move. It made sense after all options were examined, to keep on the current choice, but to get a new apartment (versus moving back home, etc).

I immediately immersed myself in all the routine of finding a place, negotiating timeframes, coordinating companies and working time off into the picture. After a week of searching, we went Saturday to the 7 places I had narrowed the search down to. Lady Luck smiled her sunshine smile on us Saturday when we entered the first place on the list and absolutely fell in love with it.

The landscaping in the place is gorgeous, the families with their kids walking around as well as the secure entryway with a camera gave me an instant breath of relief. The apartment itself (we only looked at a one bedroom) was WOW! The amenities (I’ll list them ;) are phenomenal! We just fell in love with it. We decided over the course of a few hours, to go for a two bedroom since we have plenty to store and it made sense financially.

Then we sat at a table watching the blue water of the pool, and waited to fill out the forms. And then it hit me…

Oh my god, I’m going to be living with someone!

I’ve lived alone since 2003 now, and was quite accustomed to it. I like my space and I like my space the way *I* like it. A few rampant thoughts ran through my head.

“But what if it doesn’t stay clean?”
“But what if things don’t work out?”
But…But…But…

Before the fear of change could turn from a trickle to a flood, I looked back at the window, and out to the pool.

“So what” I thought to myself.

“This is change, this is life, and right now… it’s pretty damn good”.

Yup, it sure is. So I signed the lease with a smile and it hasn’t left my face since…

Have a beautiful day everyone!

(Property Description & Pictures below!)

Situated on the Seven Bridges Golf Club, our elegantly appointed mid-rise apartments offer three distinctive interior finish selections the suit your lifestyle. Spectacular golf course views pale in comparison to the incomparable amenities within the community. Enjoy access to vast recreational opportunities and a great selection of fine dining and entertainment options at your doorstep at the Main Street at Seven Bridges.

APARTMENT FEATURES
> Custom finishes
> Gourmet kitchens with white or black Whirlpool appliances
> Frost-free refrigerators with automatic icemakers
> Full-size side-by-side washers and dryers
> Large walk-in closets
> Separate walk-in showers
> Oversized oval garden tubs (WOOOHOOO)
> Double sink vanities
> Raised bathroom vanities
> Expansive balconies with views of the Championship Golf Course

COMMUNITY AMENITIES
> Resort-style pool and sundeck
> Fitness studio and weight room
> Executive business center and conference rooms
> Club room with large screen TV and surround sound
> Mid-rise elevator buildings with telephone & Camera entry system
> Enclosed reserved garage parking
> Individual storage areas
> Bike room
> PGA quality putting green
> Extensive landscaping, open space, amenity areas, and walking paths

Judgement & Joy

2007-05-18T09:57:00.000-05:00

The splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not rob the little violet of its scent nor the daisy of its simple charm. If every tiny flower wanted to be a rose, spring would lose its loveliness. ~Therese of Lisieux

~*~*~*~*~*~

What is it with this month? Is there some cosmic/karmic thing going on? It just seems like something is going on with everyone I know. I have a friend who is stuck in the hiring process of a major company for a reason that is … strange. I myself have things coming up that I can’t plan for, and a move to get ready for. Another friend is having a third surgery because the first two haven’t gone/healed right. Other friends have lots of issues going on. I swear I’m going to get out my incense, oils, and start blessing everyone I meet just to right the cosmic rails again! ARGH!

On another note, today is Friday, it’s beautiful and a surprising event happened this morning! For most of you long time Muse blog readers, you know the story of Crony in my life. For those of you who aren’t familiar with her, let me explain. Crony (as I have nicknamed her) is just that. She’s argumentative, highly judgmental and extremely opinionated. She’s an older woman who just simply reminds me of a crone. She has on more than one occasion caused problems for me at work; the height of those problems was when I finally went to my boss last year and said almost in tears, that I could NOT work with her anymore. (They never did anything about that by the way, expecting me to either leave or deal with it.)

Everyone seems to accept her eccentricities with a shrug. I have a very hard time doing that. I think if we’re all going to be clustered together in the work environment, EVERYONE should do their best to get along. For the nearly two years I’ve been here, it’s been very lopsided (and usually not in my favor).

Today I had the distinct pleasure (yes, pleasure) of talking to Crony for about an hour and a half. Yes, let me repeat… I did say pleasure. It turns out not only does she have a heart, but it’s very warm… not cold as previously thought.
Crony participates in many charity functions. She is constantly giving to people, organizations, anyone in need. She displayed a caring and warmth that I genuinely thought was something she didn’t even understand. Talking with her today really opened my eyes to the grudges I had held against her for all the times she belittled me etc. I’m not saying I will forget what she did, and I certainly won’t trust her any more than I have done previously, but as she spoke I realized that I too had been just as judgemental as I perceived her to be. The reflecting picture of that realization is a picture of myself that I don’t like to see.

Do I think she’s a saint? No.
Do I think she’ll change and be nicer to me? No.
Do I think she deserves to be judged by me? No.

So today I realized that I need to be much more open. I really need to work harder to not sit in the back seat with my judgments and grudges and really drive instead, moving forward to achieving a better sense of patience and openness.

I think I can do that, I’m an excellent driver.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today my wish for you is that you simply enjoy the day. That you have the sight to open your eyes and see the beauty of the day and not the darkness of problems or concerns. That “your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small”. (Rascal Flatts “My Wish”). With all my heart, I send this wish to you today. May it find you and give you a smile.

You are a blessing to me everyday.
Muse

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ~Carl Gustav Jung

Cha Cha Cha Changes & a Late Happy Mother's Day!

2007-05-15T13:15:00.000-05:00

Mother’s Day this year, while it should have been a wondrous celebration, was overshadowed by bad news received not 12 hours earlier. On Saturday in the evening, I received a call from my landlord saying that they were selling the condo I’ve rented for three years. A couple of scenarios were examined hastily before the threat of panic at not having money or a place to go became prominent. Examining a few scenarios helped keep the panic at bay (thank god). However, this time in my life is proving to be both busy and stressful.

I’ve been getting used to being busier than I have been in three years as of late. I think this busy-ness has been prepping me for things like this. So now, I’m busily working on finding a new place, hiring movers, and all that a move entails (and doing it in under 6 weeks!). It’s not a fun time for me, but it’s not the worst I’ve been through either. It helps to have friends/family that understand until I get settled again, time is not my own to do with as I please just yet.

~*~

But, on a side note, and an important one, I wish to send out the best love and wishes to the woman who has on more than one occasion saved my life.

She saved me from a horrible family life at the tender age of 4.
She saved me from my own past that threatened my life at the age of 16.
She saved me when both myself and my spouse (at the time) were both unemployed and owned a house.
She saved me when I was struggling so hard to make ends meet on my own with leftover debt.
She saved me each and every time regardless of the hour when tears would overwhelm all thoughts.
She saved me when cancer appeared in my life
She saved me after my surgery with all her help medically, to ensure I healed properly.

She gave me love
She gave me life
She gave me a home
She gives me support and strength

She saves me everyday and gives me love in every way. I am who I am because of her, and while I’m late, I wish to honor her today (because it’s never too late to honor your mother!).

I know times are tough for me mom, but in honor of all you do, who you are, and who I am when I’m with you; I give you my heart and life. Happy Mother’s Day!

"Are we friends?"

2007-05-14T13:01:00.000-05:00

“Are we friends?”

The words hung suspended, silent like the icicle hangs in frozen winter. I counted the seconds and listened to the breathing on the other end.

“That’s a good question” was the reply said with a sigh.

For something so simple to be asked, the answer was a complex as a rubik’s cube.

I am not someone who likes to have grudges, loose ends, or unresolved matters in any situation. It may take me some time to get to a point of closure or forgiveness, but I will get there someday.

I think today was the first day that closure had been reached with respect to my ex husband, ex marriage, ex life. It’s been a long time coming, and the road has been filled with nasty emotional potholes that drain the life right out of you the same as they do to the air of the tire that they just helped flatten.

A conversation was had, slowly, tentatively even. The baby steps were hard, and in the end may show no visible fruits of labor so to speak, but even as those small steps were taken… closure was had.

When I was married I was very young, just a mere 22; a naïve 22. Through the course of time, the young and the blind reaching out for a relationship both missed the mark. Things were done, words were said and a stain of hurt was left on my heart.

It’s been three years since the life that I knew of in marriage ended. I sort of liken the time spent in between that time and the time of “now” to purgatory; that place which helps to cleanse the soul. It's been a hard process and there have been some stops and starts, steps forward and many many steps back. But I've made it.

I don’t know what type of friendship with me, if any, is on the horizon for the man I once said forever to. But the screaming demons of hurt that have for so long shouted in my ear, or as of late whispered, reminding me that they were there… are silent.

It’s a peace I welcome with open arms.

Muse

Dreams, Action, and A Community of Light

2007-05-08T14:10:00.000-05:00

Our life is composed greatly from dreams, from the unconscious, and they must be brought into connection with action. They must be woven together. ~Anais Nin

~*~*~*~*~*~
Dreaming and doing, two polar opposites sometimes for me. I dream a LOT but I don’t do a lot. At least not with respect to my dreams. Especially the dream of flying naked, I really don’t do that a lot. I might scare all of Illinois if I did that, no matter how good it might feel to fly. :P

In all seriousness though, sometimes I have dreams that show me what I need to do. Sometimes they just show me what I want but even with that I rarely take action. Why is that I wonder? I mean it’s like saying “Oooh I could have whatever I wanted, but I’m not going to do anything to get there!”. I see that recurrence in many of my blog posts. “I will do…” and somehow I just never do it.

I’m not finding blame with myself. Nor am I downing myself and causing un-necessary guilt. I’m simply acknowledging these things I see in myself.

“Hi, My name is Muse and I’m a procrastinator, Dreamer without action, yet hopeful woman of change?”.

Maybe it’s time to really, sincerely work on change.

I’ve been afforded a rare opportunity recently to get a lot of things in my life in order. While I work on those things (finances, etc) perhaps I can with a clear eye work on the rest.

~*~
On another note, after having deleted Digital Soup Online the blog, I find that I’ve missed it. While I was thinking of recreating it, I thought “Why not make it better than it was?”. So I am very happy to announce that a new blog of purely light will be emerging very soon. It will have quotes, inspirational articles, reader submissions, etc. I would like to see some participation in this blog, with the knowledge that no one HAS to contribute. Only if they want to should they…

In the true form of a “Book of Light”, the blog will be ONLY light. Most of us have our own blogs, journals, etc where we can post our daily thoughts, trials and tribulations, but this blog will be a place, a COMMUNITY place to create your own corner of light in the massive web. So if you’re interested in contributing, or perhaps being an author with me on this project, please email me at suekw71 @ gmail . com (remove the spaces) and let me know. It would be a pleasure to work with folks on a place of light where anyone can get some inspiration and joy.

Be well friends
Muse

Monday's Child was serene

2007-05-07T12:41:00.001-05:00

What a beautiful day today! The sun is out, it’s warm and there is a nice breeze on occasion that catches you and makes you smile.

The weekend went wonderfully. A lot of big decisions had perched themselves on my shoulders constantly nagging at me reminding me that an answer needed to be reached. And finally this weekend, after reaching some point of clarity, I put those nags to bed where they can sleep until the next big decision I will have to make surfaces.

I’ve grown comfortable surprisingly so with Google Man at a very fast pace. I have to keep reminding myself as someone said to me “It’s not like your 18 and you have to be cautious of these things because you just don’t know better”. She was so right. A lot of my understanding of a lot of things is based on what I knew the last time I dealt with it. Well the last time I dealt with relationships I was much younger and so, I was carrying those ideals and concepts around. And the truth is things are different now. I’m an adult (Yipee!) and can make choices based on my needs/desires accordingly.

All that aside, the weekend was restful, fun and remindful for me; remindful in the sense that this is what it was like to relax and do things at my own pace. Life always has its stressors, but lately the stressors I have, haven’t seemed enormous. Attribute that to whatever you like, but I’m certain it has everything to do with some things lining up properly in a world of chaos. It’s like standing in the eye of the storm, but never having to ever leave that eye. The storm revolves around you but you’re safe.

I have noticed however, that this month has its share of small “issues”. What is with my being such a damn klutz lately!? It’s to the point where I’m left going “What the hell is wrong with me?”. I’m forever dropping things, forgetting things, and feeling like I’m going left when I should go right. I’m beginning to wonder if the sharp drop in my short term memory has anything to do with menopause. Crony at work advised in her sage wise voice, that “I’ve been past this point for 20 years and it STILL goes on”. Great! Thanks for the positive information!

Post it notes are my friend :P

I’m going to try and paint something this week. I have some books I took from the library (yes they still exist!) and if I find some time and inspiration, I’m going to read up a bit and try some of what they say. Who knows, maybe something good will come of it. Believe it or not I have a few requests for pictures lol. We’ll see how it goes.

Have a beautiful day everyone!

Once in a Blue Moon; May 31st

2007-05-04T08:43:00.000-05:00

The Blue Moon

This is only 12 moons. The 13th Moon is called the Blue Moon, and occurs when four full moons fall within the same season. As regular seasons only have 3 full moons, the fourth full moon between solstice and equinox, or vice versa, is the Blue Moon. This happens once a year, always at a different time due to the inconsistency of the modern calendar with the luner cycles. The Celts originally set their year to correspond with the 13 moons but with the coming of the Romans, this tradition was lost. Their 13th Moon was called Ruis or Elder. The Blue Moon is considered the 'goal moon', at this time it is customary to set specific goals for yourself and to review your accomplishments and failures since the last one.

The Blue Moon - WiccaWeb

~*~*~*~*~*~
Ever wondered where the definitions came from? See below for a more descript “scientific” observation of the “Blue Moon”. A lot of my spirituality involves incorporating things from various traditions, most noteably Wicca. In particular things having to do with the moon.

I can already see the “goal moon” having it’s effect on me this month in that several major goals are being set despite my fighting to have to deal with the stress of large decisions :P I’ve also already had one review of accomplishments and failures and I’m sure more are to come this month.

So in honor of that which drives me especially this month, I thought perhaps you might like to see the two sides of this particular story… or in this case, the three of them; the pagan, the scientific, & the mistaken definition. All of these make up the history of “The Blue Moon”.

Be well everyone, you are loved today and everyday.
XO Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~

Blue Moon
From Nick Greene,Your Guide to Space / Astronomy.

"Once in a blue moon."

You have probably heard this expression before. It usually means not very often. But, is there really such a thing?

Well, yes, but it’s probably not what you may think, and it’s definitely not what it used to be.
According to David Wilton’s fabulous Word Origins web site, the phrase Blue Moon probably started with an anonymous poem from 1528,

Read me and be not wrothe,
For I say no things but truth:
"If they say the moon is blue,

"We must believe that it is true."

Calling the moon blue was an obvious absurdity, like saying it was made of green cheese. The phrase, “until a blue moon” developed in the 19th century, meaning never, or at least extremely unlikely.

After all, they do occur.

In 1883, an Indonesian volcano named Krakatoa exploded. Scientists liken the blast to a 100-megaton nuclear bomb. Fully 600 km away, people heard the noise as loud as a cannon shot. Plumes of ash rose to the very top of Earth's atmosphere. And the moon turned blue.
Krakatoa's ash was the reason. Some of the ash-clouds were filled with particles about 1 micron (one millionth of a meter) wide--the right size to strongly scatter red light, while allowing other colors to pass. White moonbeams shining through the clouds emerged blue, and sometimes green.

Blue moons persisted for years after the eruption. People also saw lavender suns and, for the first time, noctilucent clouds. The ash caused "such vivid red sunsets that fire engines were called out in New York, Poughkeepsie, and New Haven to quench the apparent conflagration," according to volcanologist Scott Rowland at the University of Hawaii.

Other less potent volcanos have turned the moon blue, too. People saw blue moons in 1983, for instance, after the eruption of the El Chichon volcano in Mexico. And there are reports of some caused by Mt. St. Helens in 1980 and Mount Pinatubo in 1991.

The key to a blue moon is having in the air lots of particles slightly wider than the wavelength of red light (0.7 micron)--and no other sizes present. This is rare, but volcanoes sometimes spit out such clouds, as do forest fires.

The use of the phrase blue moon to indicate an actual astronomical phenomenon first started in 1932 with the Maine Farmer’s Almanac. Its definition was a season with four full moons rather than the usual three, where the third of four full moons would be called a "blue moon." Since seasons are established by the equinoxes and solstices and not calendar months, it is possible for a year to have twelve full moons, one each month, yet have one season with four.

That definition mutated into the one most quoted today when in 1946, an article in an astronomy magazine by amateur astronomer James Hugh Pruett misinterpreted the Maine rule to mean two full moons in one month. This definition seems to have stuck, despite its error, possibly thanks to being picked up by the Trivial Pursuit game. As we’ve seen previously, as in the case of seeing the

Great Wall of China from space, the writers of Trivial Pursuit are capable of making errors.
Whether you use the newer definition or the one from the Maine Farmer’s Almanac, a blue moon, while not common, happens on a regular basis. Either way, they occur approximately 7 times in a 19 year period.

Much less common is a double blue moon (2 in one year). That only happens once in the same 19 year period. They occur in January and March, thanks to the short month, February. The last double we saw was in 1999. The next will happen in 2018.

So, will you ever see a blue moon? In astronomical terms, it is very likely. If you hope to see a full moon which is the actual color blue, that is less likely, but possible, especially during forest fire season. But, if you don’t want to do something, don’t put it off until a blue moon. You may be at it sooner than you’d like.

Memories From a Not So Distant Place

2007-05-01T13:08:00.000-05:00

I received an email today from someone who hadn’t been aware of my cancer and surgery. It’s funny, after all this time (having my first successful post op with no cancer in January)I kind of felt removed from the whole thing as time has moved on. And yet at the receipt of this email the emotions all came back and as I thought about it, I realized; for the last few days thoughts of this nature had already been on my mind.

I was reflecting yesterday on my drive home from work, about how this time last year I was starting to feel really sick and had no clue what was wrong. This time last year (April) I had been rushed to the ER due to loss of blood where I was diagnosed as Anemic...That’s all. I saw this while I was driving kind of like a hologram of images in front of my windshield. And it made me pause and think wow; it’s been a hell of a year.

I find now, that after it’s all said and done and even though I’ve not dealt with it all, that now the past is starting to get fuzzy. The fear and panic I felt at hearing the doctor say the word “cancer” are a memory shared in whispers among those who were the first to find out as I sobbed on the phone to them uncontrollably.

I remembered last night as I was falling asleep the day I went to the doctor and “signed my first born away”. And there were no tears; not that there wasn’t sadness, there was. There was immense sadness, but no tears. I remembered the “Letter to my unborn child”, that came out of nowhere surprising even me with its depth and existence. And finally I went after I couldn’t hold back the apparent flood of memories anymore and re-read my fervent prayer where I laid my heart out bare for all online to see.

THEN the tears came and they washed over me with no less intensity than that of a wave angrily crashing against the unaware shore, washing all the sand, rocks and pebbles away in one fell swoop. After a time when the tears stopped, turning into sniffles, shudders, and the occasional constant yawns of sleep approaching instead; I went to bed and dreamt of nothing, but slept.

But then morning came and life like it always does, gently caressed my mind and sight making the memories look foggy again so I could go about my day. Now, I sit at my desk again the thoughts creeping in quietly, reminding me of the things I should never forget.

1. I had cancer
2. I survived cancer
3. My cancer is not trivial just because I didn’t have chemo and radiation
4. I’m going to be sad on occasion, reflective more than not, and get lost on the path of memories more than I think
5. I’m still very afraid that it will return
6. Cancer is a HORRIBLE experience to go through regardless of the level at which you have it.
7. That many people suffer this (even ongoing) and I have big hugs for them.
8. It’s ok for me to be sad
9. The loss of my internal female organs, is just as traumatic a loss as that felt in any other way.
10. It's ok to acknowledge that just because I’m cured doesn’t mean I didn’t go through a traumatic experience. I don’t have to feel like nothing happened just because it’s “over”.
11. That I should always remember the way I felt so I can support anyone else who ever needs it.
12. That little things will always make me remember when I least expect it, and that’s ok too.
13. That I’m ok, and so are my thoughts and emotions regardless of what or where people think I should be in my path of self/mind restoration.

There is no real point to this post other than acknowledging the past, recognizing that it has interrupted my day, and letting it go so I can continue to move on.

It’s harder than you think, and yet there is peace to be found when you do it.

“…send your angels to hold my hand. Just let them hold my hand.” Prayer from a Muse.

~*~*~*~*~*~
To anyone reading this, known or not; You are a blessing to me everyday, more so than you can know.

My Muse has come home!

2007-04-27T08:50:00.000-05:00

“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.” ~Stephen Covey

Today's Affirmation
I move through my life with an open heart.

~*~*~*~*~*~

So this is what 7 hours sleep feels like? :P I’m awake, alert, I have concentration (whoa!) and I noticed so many things on my drive into the office today. Like, how pretty things are right now, etc. Hell, I’m even dealing with Crony well! (gasp!) I think I could get used to this kind of sleep. I’ll try to get more of it more often.

As I was driving in this morning I was thinking of today’s post. I have been so lacking in inspiration lately. I’ve missed my muse. But yesterday, she returned in a BIG way. I wrote a poem yesterday that for the first time in a LONG time gave me goose bumps as it was being penned (click the link, it’s a really good poem if I do say so myself…). I immediately called several people even risking being yelled at for going outside at work outside of my normal break. I just HAD to tell folks to read it. The poem itself wasn’t the only reason for the excitement. For the next 4 hours, I was giddy with happiness, because inspiration had returned as well. I am a creature of creativity. Sometimes I spread myself too thin with all the things I want to do. But yesterday I had no choice. The poem literally came out of me. Additionally, I posted a picture of my latest painting. Take a look and give me your thoughts!

It is my intention to cultivate that feeling of inspiration, and the resultant happiness. That coupled with more sleep and the healthy eating habits I’m finally forming should help me see the clear path in my life to lead to the other things I want to get done.

On top of all this, it’s Friday :D. And for the past three days I’ve not deviated from the plans I’ve set in motion.

Today thus far (and going forward, because I demand it!) is a good day despite mother nature doing her best with the grays and rain she displays, to make us gloomy. When I look at the sky instead of gray I see the sun, patiently waiting to come out and shine, kind of like my muse who has decided, finally… to come home

May it be a beautiful day for you as well in whatever you endeavor to do!

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

May the sun in your heart shine brightly overcoming all the darkness that attempts to come your way. May you smile more, laugh aloud, offer help, be compassionate, be childish, and see the roses as you stop to smell them. May you make it a great day!

You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO
Muse

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
"Only when your consciousness is totally focused on the moment you are in can you receive whatever gift, lesson, or delight that moment has to offer." ~Barbara de Angelis

Rose Colored Past

2007-04-26T13:47:00.000-05:00

In the warm embrace of the rosy past
Dreams flourish and dance
Sensuously clouds glide by
Disguising the hurt so long ago felt
Now sublimely changed

I am the dancer
Dancing to a tune only I know
Music filters through changed, light, pleasant
Providing the smile that drapes across my face
Limber and light I sway inexplicably lost

For but a moment the past rosy though it is
Maintains the presence of what I want now
Eyes closed, silent tears wipe clean my face
My mind plays like a child free
Roaming among the sun kissed flowers and trees

That grow perfectly in the garden of memories

I am the gardener
Pruning the weeds of memory
Allowing the sun filtered to shine its vitamin gaze
A lovers caress, the sun streams golden rays
Soft to the touch, warming, engaging

Intoxicating scents, exotic in their nature
Spark the elemental, primal flash of joy
Unfettered by reality
Unhindered by fear
Music swells, like ocean waves crashing luxuriously

Against my now warmed heart
Oh how the past sings to me
How it feeds me at times
Nutritious in its perfectly planned courses
Stimulating in its perfection

Until such time as I must wake

Love's the Only House

2007-04-26T07:53:00.000-05:00

I was standing in the grocery store line
The one they marked express
When this woman came through with about 25 things
And I said don't you know that more is less
She said this world is moving so fast
But I just get more behind with every day
And every morning when I make my coffee
I can't believe my life's turned out this way
All I could say was

Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain

You drive three miles from all this prosperity
Down across the river and you see a ghetto there
And we got children walking around with guns
And they got knives with drugs and pain to spare
And here I am in my clean, white shirt
With a little money in my pocket and a nice warm home
And we got teenagers walkin' around in a culture of darkness
Livin' together alone, and all I can say is

Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain

And I can't explain it and I can't understand
But I'll come down and get my hands dirty and together we'll make a stand
Somewhere cross the parking lot some bands playin out of tune
City streets are gonna burn if we don't do something soon
And senorita can't quit cryin, baby's due now any day
Don Juan left, got sick of tryin
No one there to show him the way she came down to the grocery store and
She said I, I wanna buy a little carton of milk but I don't have any money
I said hey I'll cover you honey cause the pain's gotta go somewhere
Yeah the pain's gotta go someplace
So come on down to my house
Don't you know that

Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain

Love’s the Only House – Martina McBride

~*~*~*~*~*~
This is the song that I was listening to on my way in to work today. It’s an older song, but it came up on my iPod playlist and it still makes me cry when hearing it. It’s such a true portrait of where we are in the world today. This song was followed up with Switchfoot – This is your Life. That’s another good song of reflection for me.

Would you believe I’m 35 and I still don’t know that I’m who I want to be? I think in the big scheme of things this is the way it goes. After all that’s what the journey of life is right? Growth, change, awareness, re-membering, experiencing, etc.

But in other ways I have so many things I want to do and while neither one of them individually makes me who I want to be, they add up to a picture of someone I know I would like to be. The interesting thing is while I’m in this hold pattern, I know that I’m not someone different, I’m just getting to those points/actions in my life slower than I would like. Make sense?

Surprisingly the name post I did a few days ago (All About…Muse) was eerily accurate in a lot of ways. I have so many things I want to do that sometimes the end result is a feeling of being scattered. Too many endeavors and not enough arms so to speak. One of my goals going forward is to really iron my chosen path out; to really push in one direction and go for it.

I also still have a lot of interpersonal work to do and that takes time. But that’s a part of the process of change; patience, acceptance, success.

This is my morning reflection; the recognition that I can’t change certain things in my life (money, getting into school, etc), but I can work on others (purpose, direction, focus, losing weight, interpersonal happiness, living in the present and enjoying life to the fullest).

Each day we start again, each day we have a chance to do what we wanted to do. I have hope for today.

So should you.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

Hope is such a powerful emotion. It’s such a small piece of the big picture but when utilized can be such a big inspiration to us all. I write from the perspective that everyone at some point may glean some usefulness from the words I pen down. Today is no different. Today’s wish for you all is that you have hope. Maybe you don’t need hope today. Maybe your day, your life is exactly where it should be in your mind. For you I still give you hope that it may fill your day with inspiration. Maybe if you’re like me, you do need hope. Hope for change, hope for the world, hope to just make it through the day. For you I send hope too, because right now I have enough to go around. May it light upon your shoulder and rest there all day guiding you and inspiring you to greatness in everything you do. That is my wish for you today

You are a blessing to me everyday (and for those skeptics, I truly mean this ;)

XO
Muse

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

"Happiness lies in the consciousness we have of it." ~George Sand

***EDIT***
I've deleted the Blog: Digital Soup Online. I've been thinking of doing that for months. It never receives any hits, and the only comments it gets are spam comments. I enjoyed posting those posts for the time that it existed.

Lantern

2007-04-25T18:28:00.000-05:00

Here's a new painting from me. It's not what I would call good, but I am getting significantly better :)

Maybe, through the Dirty Window

2007-04-25T14:40:00.000-05:00

Maybe, Through the Dirty Window

Sitting alone in this mode of hold
Clocks ticking away at the day
Teeth suffer the wear of my stress
As the enamel ebbs slowly away

Like a record the thoughts spin
Continually round and round
Where can I go, what can I do?
I need to get back on ground

Possibilities rise and fall eager to be my salvation,
Spiking their sales pitch like a seismograph
Each one thought of, turned over, mused about
Eventually resting untouched in the past

The train keeps moving forward
But here I sit unmoved
Life keeps unfolding about me
But somehow I’ve lost my groove

The record needle skitters around its tracks, skipping often
When the rails on my train threaten to come undone
But still in any dim light of chance attempted
I’m left with my two hands empty, nothing won.

So now I sit forever on hold
Praying for a miracle to come through
As life continues on about me
Tearing away at more of me; my youth

I think as the sun sets slowly tonight
I’ll peer out the dirty window as I go by
Maybe beauty ensconced in life’s chaos
Can offer some hope to my starved eyes.

Maybe

©SKW

Weight loss & Promises not kept

2007-04-24T10:01:00.000-05:00

A year ago I made myself a promise. A promise I didn’t uphold. I was reaching a point medically where I knew something was wrong but hadn’t really begun the journey that led me yet to find out about my cancer. I knew however that everything started with weight loss. So I told myself:

“I’ll give myself one year. If in that one year I am not at least on a good track towards losing weight, I will have surgery to finally end this struggle.”

Man how time flies?

A year later, having been diagnosed with cancer and having a very expensive surgery to save my life, I find that this promise made, had been forgotten about. So what do we do when we fail? We try again. Armed with the tools listed below, and a motivation that I hope remains (accelerated due to the 40lbs lost after my surgery), I endeavor again to continue on a path of weight loss.

We begin today. Starting today I will make the same promise, slightly extended to be healthy.
"By 9-21-2008, I will lose xxx amount of pounds. "

Wish me luck.

Oh and if you want to be a motivator for me, I do have a profile on Traineo (see below) and could use 4 motivators. If you’re interested email me at suekw71 @ gmail.com (remove the spaces) and let me know. Being a motivator means unbiased, loving, supportive & helpful. Not everyone who may email me will be chosen to be a motivator; I simply am inviting anyone who wishes to help to do so.

~*~

So, I’ve found some really great sites to help me lose weight. I’ll try to list them all so you can benefit from them too.

The Lose Weight Diet – An informational, basic, easy to understand site on weightloss. They provided for me the formula with which I learned how many calories LESS I need to eat per day to lose two pounds a week. Also full of good links to other sites like calorie calculators etc.

Urban legends; 8 Glasses of water per day - Interesting article on the myth surrounding the 8 glasses of water per day. I still follow this rule (because I’m dieting and it helps me stay full) but nonetheless an interesting read.

Traineo – A very nice site, free, which allows you to track loss, have motivators; people to support you (of your choice), keep your information private and did I mention free?

The Hackers Diet – For those of a more technical nature, this is where I started my journey today. This has some good approach ideas (for me anyway) but also has some good computerized tips too for all those computer geeks ;) (like me!)

Log your weight – A cool little script that works with Excel in keeping track of your weight. You can follow the instructions and have this run everyday automatically for you or just do it manually. Puts the numbers in Excel and lets you see the progress.

Mindless Eating – I didn’t really go through this whole site, but I did take the Mindless Eating quiz. It is full of information you might not normally think of. Worth a read for sure.

Calorie King – A very informative site providing calories and nutrient information for just about any food you can eat.

And the best site I came across today.

FitDay – a nice site that allows you to track daily your caloric and nutrient intake. You can purchase the PC version for $29.95, ($19.95 with discount after creating a free online account). I’ve used it today and WOW was I surprised at the food I had already consumed this morning and what it meant as far as planning the rest of my day out. I HIGHLY recommend this site to folks. It makes tracking and calculating a snap (which is what I need).

Carpe Diem

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
May you know the joy of determination today. May it guide you in what you know you need to do but haven’t yet done or are afraid to do. May the sense of accomplishment help reward you in the best possible way and get you to your goals.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

XO
Muse

May you be blessed (Happy Friday!)

2007-04-20T10:47:00.000-05:00

"If you want to do something for world peace, cultivate kindness, stop hating, and have hope for all individuals including you." ~Patricia Sun

~*~

Love, Hate and Forgiveness in a Crazy, Crazy World
We speak of problems of the future...
we blame the methods of the past
What resolution have we come to...
we want solutions that last.

Its a crazy world....
Its a mixed up world....
Its a human world....
But its our world....
its our world.

Got to give some love
to this crazy world.

Got to give some love
to this crazy, crazy world.
Song Lyric from "Crazy World"; by Karl Anthony

~*~*~*~*~*~

Today is a BEAUTIFUL day. Not only is my iPod working albeit a little unorganized (long story), but it’s sunny, I’m awake (only a little bit sleepy), and feeling good. Fridays are always like that for me. I have carried over the excitement that I used to feel when I was younger in that Friday meant two days away from school HOORAY!.

I haven’t had much inspiration though lately, that bothers me a bit. I’ve been busy in “real life”, always having something to do, someplace to go etc. I wonder how I managed for three years not doing much of any of it? I’m working now to find the balance to give me back the time to be creative and inspired as well as get it all done.

I feel very blessed today. For all my issues, concerns, and chaos, I feel blessed. There are so many reasons I feel blessed today. I feel blessed by conversation, by physical contact, by renewed health, by so many things. And lately as I’ve lacked inspiration I’ve not had too much going on except daily life. So today’s post is a sharing of blessings. Today at noon I will participate in the world blessing (see the hyperlink below). But I’ll start right now using my little corner of the digital world to offer some blessings. Who knows, maybe you’ll pass them on too ;)

You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO

Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today’s well wishes is in the form of a newsletter. Please take the 4 minutes it takes to read it. It’s a feel good newsletter in the form of a cute story, some information about how you can participate in the blessings experiment, and inspirational quotes. Today I wish for you to find the 4 minutes to read this. And I wish too for you to pass it on. Share some light and some love today.

May you be Blessed

Clearing the Heart Chakra

2007-04-19T12:43:00.000-05:00

With your eyes closed, and in a comfortable positions, take two or three very deep cleansing breaths. Visualize a beautiful cloud of emerald-green light surrounding you. As you breathe in, you take this healing energy into your lungs, your cells, your heart. Concentrate on your heart a moment as you allow the emerald-green light to cleanse away any negativity that may have caused you to feel pain.

Excerpted from (Heart Chakra Clearing); Chakra Clearing by Doreen Virtue Ph.D.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’ve had the recent fortune (or maybe misfortune) to be without my iPod for several days. You have to understand, my dependency on this iPod is nothing short of addiction. :P It keeps me sane at work. On very slow days I have one ear bud plugged in listening to an audio book on “Shenpa”. During lunch I watch an episode of Heroes, or a bit of a movie (my latest movie watching is the Thomas Crown Affair). On my way too and from work, I listen to all kinds of music; some light, some soft, some hard, some fast. So being without it has been difficult. Think about poor google man as he and I ( mainly him), work tirelessly to fix this infernal contraption… pray for him, he’s discovered this muse’s angry side :P).

So today, I had some free time on my hands during lunch. I had forgotten about a book I had stashed away in my purse for just such an occasion and with some joy, pulled this out today and sat outside in the brisk air and sunlight to read a chapter or two on chakra cleansing.

I have always been someone who has lived in my heart chakra. This is a good thing, but as the old saying goes “Too much of a good thing is also a bad thing”. Living too much in the heart chakra produces emotions/actions such as: fear about giving or receiving love, relationship addictions and obsessions. A “dirty” heart chakra will look dark forest green in color as opposed to the bright emerald green of a clear chakra.

Well truthfully, my heart chakra has been a forest green for some time if I go by these standards. I carry some baggage around of past hurts and such. And as a true Virgo, I hold on to these memories and such using them as a “Learning lesson” of what not to get involved with again. The problem is however, that in keeping those memories close, I keep the pain fresh. In other words I never… let… go.

So finding the silver lining around the broken iPod, I have to say today was a good day to find this book. At lunch today I read a bit and then I meditated for almost 15 minutes doing a meditation from the book mentioned above to clear my heart chakra. I can’t say it’s a miracle or that I feel 100% better, but I do feel clearer, relaxed, and hopeful that maybe if I return to these routines (I used to to do them daily) that I might just do some good for myself.

Chakra clearing, it does a body good.

I can see the marketing now. Picture anyone, with the associated color of the chakra around them (instead of the typical milk lip). Might be a good marketing tool ;)

In any event, here’s to some good clear chakras today everyone. May your chakras shine brightly too.

You are a blessing to me everyday
Muse

Angel Mail

2007-04-18T09:20:00.000-05:00

Healing yourself is connected with healing others. ~Yoko Ono

~*~*~*~*~*~

Today is one of those days. I don’t have much going on. The only good news to report is that I slept for 6 unbroken hours last night; but I need more of it. So in light of the “no news day”, I decided to post an article that I read and really enjoyed. Hopefully you will too…

Be well friends,
Muse

~*~

Help from Your Guardian Angel
Adapted from Messengers of Love, Light, and Grace, by Terry Lynn Taylor (New World Library, 2005).

Of all the methods of communicating with angels, Angel Mail is the most popular. If you have a problem or could use some extra help, use this simple technique to write a special request to your guardian angel. Even if you don't believe in angels, this effective focusing method really works. Here’s how.

Angels are special request agents. Special requests cover a wide range of issues, from assistance with immediate tasks, such as finding your lost keys, to help with achieving long-term goals. When we involve angels in our special requests, we are acknowledging the desires of our higher selves. It is fine to ask angels for help with your goals and aspirations. You may think that angels should already know what you want and that you shouldn't ask, but asking is the positive step that sets the action in motion and inscribes it in the divine registry. There is no harm in asking the angels for something, because they only do things for the highest good of all concerned. Prosperity author Catherine Ponder has said, "Your ships come in only after you have sent them out." Asking the angels for a special request is like sending out your ships and asking God to bless them. You are protected from greed by the angels, because they see into excesses and are attuned to your higher consciousness.

With angel mail, you write your special request on a piece of paper and mail it to the angels. The written word is said to have a special power of its own. Declaring your wishes on paper and addressing your letter to the angels is a good way of clarifying your goals and truest desires. To make a special request to the angels, simply take a piece of paper and address it to your own highest angel and the highest angels of the others your request involves. In your request, be specific and define what it is you want as clearly as you can. Always add the phrase "for the highest good of all concerned" to your note. Then express your gratitude. Thank the angels as if the request has already been granted. Also, thank the Higher Power, and anyone else who has something to do with the request.

A story about one of the Catholic popes describes how he prayed to his guardian angel every day for guidance. When he was scheduled to confer with someone he thought might be troublesome, he would ask his guardian angel to speak with the other person's guardian angel regarding the upcoming meeting. The two guardian angels would work out the disagreements beforehand, and the meeting would proceed without needless arguments.

Apply this idea to angel mail. A problem cannot be solved at the level it was created. If there is someone in your life--your boss, your spouse, your child, your coworker, or your friend--with whom you have trouble communicating without disagreements and arguments over trivial issues, try writing to that person's guardian angel and ask that the situation be understood on the highest level. Then pay attention to what happens the next time you see that person. Look for any subtle or obvious change of heart on the part of that person concerning the areas of disagreement.

You can use this technique whenever you feel resistance from other people. Write to their angels, and state clearly what you want from them, what it is you want them to understand, how you want them to react, and what you want them to do. By writing to a person's guardian angel, you can get past any emotional blocks either or both of you may have in the situation. Use this technique for helping those you care about to do something positive for themselves. If people you know need healing, release, love, or knowledge, write to their highest angels and ask that they be blessed with what they most need. This technique is especially useful if people you know have created situations for themselves that you can't talk about face-to-face. Maybe the situation involves something that you can see clearly from the outside but that they are in denial about.

When writing to angels with regard to other people, keep in mind that other people have free will. We experience pain when those we love disappoint us by doing something we don't appreciate. If you have expectations about people, eventually you are going to be disappointed, one way or another. On the other hand, if you don't expect anything and give and release freely, loving unconditionally, you will not allow their negative actions to affect you. If you are trying to influence someone romantically by writing to that person's angel, the best thing to do is to bless and release him or her with love.

If you are meant to be with this person, he or she will come to you freely, with no conditions. The angels want you to be happy, but they also know that no other person can make you happy; it's up to you to claim your own happiness first.

When you are ready to "mail" a written request, the first thing to do is to fold and seal it; then find a special place for it. Some people keep their requests in books like the Bible; others use a jewelry box, their wallet, their journal, or their altar. After you mail your request in this way, be prepared for action. You have asked the angels, so listen intuitively for messages regarding your request, or just mail your request and forget about it until it pops into your mind again.

Steps for Mailing Requests to the Angels

1. Define your request.

2. Write your request on a piece of paper. Specify the angel you are addressing, for example:
"To the guardian angel of ____________" or "To the prosperity brokers" or "To the highest angel of ____________." Somewhere in your request, include the phrase "for the highest good of all concerned." Close your request with an expression of gratitude. "Thank you" is always good.

3. If there are any people who might interfere with the fulfillment of your requests, write to their guardian angels and ask that anything that might block your progress with those people be removed.

4. Fold and seal your letter, find a special place for it, and consider it mailed.

5. Wait for a response, which may come in the form of intuition, opportunities for action, or feelings, such as peace of mind and knowing that all is well.

All you ever wanted to know about...muse (LONG POST)

2007-04-16T13:01:00.000-05:00

All about me (found on Birth Data)

For reference before you begin reading, some definitions:

Golden Number: A number showing the year of the lunar or Metonic cycle. It is reckoned from 1 to 19, and is so called from having formerly been written in the calendar in gold.

Epact Number: The moon's age at the beginning of the calendar year, or the number of days by which the last new moon has preceded the beginning of the year.

The Life Path Number: The Life Path is the sum of the birth date. This number represents who you are at birth and the native traits that you will carry with you through life. The most important number that will be discussed here is your Life Path number. The Life Path describes the nature of this journey through life.

Julian date: The number of days since noon 4713 BC January 1.

~*~

And now on to the good stuff (eerily right):

21 September 1971
~Your date of conception was on or about 29 December 1970 which was a Tuesday.
~You were born on a Tuesday under the astrological sign Virgo.
~Your Life path number is 3.
~Life Path Compatibility:You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 6 & 9.
~You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 2, 5 & 11.
~You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 4, 7, 8 & 22.
~The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2441215.5.
~The golden number for 1971 is 15.
~The epact number for 1971 is 3.
~The year 1971 was not a leap year.

~Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/27/1971 and ending 2/14/1972.
~You were born in the Chinese year of the Pig.
~Your Native American Zodiac sign is Bear; your plant is Violets.
~You were born in the Egyptian month of Hathys, the third month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).
~Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 2 Tishri 5732.
~Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 3 Tishri 5732.
~The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.17.18.2.11 which is12 baktun 17 katun 18 tun 2 uinal 11 kin
~The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Tuesday, 30 Rajab 1391 (1391-7-30).
~The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 11 April 1971.
~The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 18 April 1971.
~The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 24 February 1971.
~The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 30 May 1971.
~The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 6 June 1971.
~The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Tuesday, 21 September 1971.
~The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Sunday, 11 April 1971.
~The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 23 February 1971.

As of 4/16/2007 1:51:13 PM EDT
You are 35 years old.
You are 427 months old.
You are 1,856 weeks old.
You are 12,991 days old.
You are 311,797 hours old.
You are 18,707,871 minutes old.
You are 1,122,472,273 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Joseph Mazzello (1983)
Nicole Richie (1981)
Liam Gallagher (1972)
David Silveria (1972)
Alfonso Ribeiro (1971)
Ricki Lake (1968)
Faith Hill (1967)
Darva Conger (1965)
Rob Morrow (1962)
David James Elliott (1960)
Dave Coulier (1959)
Bill Murray (1950)
Stephen King (1947)
Henry Gibson (1935)
Leonard Cohen (1934)
Larry Hagman (1931)
H.G. Wells (1866)

Top songs of 1971
Joy to the World by Three Dog Night
Maggie May by Rod Stewart
It's Too Late by Carole King
One Bad Apple by Osmonds
How Can You Mend a Broken Heart by Bee Gees
Knock Three Times by Dawn
Brand New Key by Melanie
Go Away Little Girl by Donny Osmond
Family Affair by Sly & the Family Stone
Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves by Cher

~Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 5.08454011741683 years old. (You're still chasing cats!)
~There are 158 days till your next birthdayon which your cake will have 36 candles.
~Those 36 candles produce 36 BTUs,or 9,072 calories of heat (that's only 9.0720 food Calories!) .
~You can boil 4.11 US ounces of water with that many candles.

~In 1971 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.
~In 1971 the US population was approximately 203,302,031 people, 57.4 persons per square mile.
~In 1971 in the US there were approximately 2,158,802 marriages (10.6%) and 708,000 divorces (3.5%)
~In 1971 in the US there were approximately 1,921,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
~In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
~In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.
~In 1971 the population of Australia was approximately 13,198,380.In 1971 there were approximately 276,361 births in Australia.
~In 1971 in Australia there were approximately 117,637 marriages and 12,947 divorces.
~In 1971 in Australia there were approximately 110,650 deaths.

Your birthstone is Sapphire -->The Mystical properties of Sapphire
Though not meant to replace traditional medical treatment, Sapphire is used for clear thinking.

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources): Agate, Moonstone, Lapis Lazuli

Your birth tree is: Lime Tree, the Doubt
Accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress and labour, tends to laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous, loyal.

~There are 253 days till Christmas 2007!
~There are 266 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were born was waxing crescent.
Tuesday, September 21, 1971
Moon's age (days): 1
Distance (Earth radii): 63.80
Percent Illumination 2.89%
Ecliptic latitude (degrees): -4.69
Ecliptic longitude (degrees): 197.68

~*~

My life path Number:

3 (3, 12/3, 21,/3, 30/3)
The Life Path 3 indicates that you entered this plane with a strong sense of creativity and with wonderful communication skills. Achievement for you most likely comes through engaging your ingenious expression. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional innovative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your inventive talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path.

Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.

The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.

There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.

In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.

Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.

For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.

~*~

What my name means (birth name):
You entered: ##### #####

~There are 10 letters in your name.
~Those 10 letters total to 35
~There are 3 vowels and 7 consonants in your name.
~What your first name means: Hebrew – Female - Variant of Susannah: Graceful lily.

Your number is: 8
The characteristics of #8 are: Practical endeavors, status oriented, power-seeking, high-material goals.

The expression or destiny for #8:
Your Expression is represented by the number 8. The 8 Expression is well-equipped in a managerial sense. You have outstanding organizational and administrative capabilities. You have the potential for considerable achievement in business or other powerful positions. You can expect to receive the financial and material rewards. You have the skill and abilities to establish or operate a business with great efficiency. You have good judgment when it comes to money and commercial matters, and you understand how to build and accumulate material wealth. Much of your success (or lack of it) may come due to your ability (or inability) to judge character. With the number 8 Expression, you exercise sound judgment in most of your affairs; you are realistic and practical in your approach to business matters.

The positive 8 Expression produces individuals that are very ambitious and goal-oriented. If the 8 energy is not in excess in your makeup, you will no doubt express these traits to some extent. No one has any more energy that a person with the 8 Expression who has a plan laid and is starting to work. No one has any more self-confidence, either. If you are expressing the positive qualities of 8, you are an outstanding manager because you can plan, initiate, and complete projects; you are very dependable and determined.

As it always happens, there can be too much of a good thing. If you have too much of the 8 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes. A negative 8 can be very rigid and stubborn. Ambition sometimes has a way of becoming over-ambition, and you may express an unreasonable impatience with the lack of progress. If your negative side is showing, you may be too exacting, both of yourself and of others. Sometimes this can even becomes a case of intolerance.

The number 8 is very materialistic and also very desirous of status and power. Neither of these drives are inherently negative unless they are taken to an extreme. You must avoid the tendency to strain after money, material matters, status, or power, to the detriment of the other important factors in your life.

Your Soul Urge number is: 1
A Soul Urge number of 1 means: Your Soul Urge is the number 1. With a Soul Urge number of 1, you want to lead and direct, to work independent of supervision, by yourself or with subordinates. You take pride in your abilities and want to be recognized for them. You may seek opportunities to display your strength and usefulness, wanting to create and originate. In your desire to manage the big picture and the main issues, you may often leave the details to others.

The positive 1 Soul Urge is Ambitious and determined, a leader seeking opportunities. There is a great deal of honesty and loyalty in this character. If you possess positive 1 Soul Urge qualities, you are very attainment oriented and driven to success. You are a loyal friend and strictly fair in your business dealings.

The negative side of the 1 Soul Urge must be avoided. A negative 1 is apt to dominate situations and people; the home, the spouse, the family and the business. Emotions aren't strong in this nature. If you possess an excess of 1 energy, you may, at times, be boastful and egotistic. You must avoid being too critical and impatient of trifles. The great need of the 1 Soul Urge is the development of friendliness, and a sincere interest in people.

Your Inner Dream number is: 7
An Inner Dream number of 7 means: You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.

Enjoy the day :)

2007-04-16T10:30:00.000-05:00

“The deeper hunger in life is a secret that is revealed only when a person is willing to unlock a hidden part of the self. “ ~Deepak Chopra

~*~*~*~*~*~

Getting Unstuck

I’ve discovered the wonderful tool of Audio books on the iPod. I’ve downloaded a few now and am pleased to say that I’m enjoying them immensely. While at work I’ll have one ear of my earbud plugged in and listening so that I can keep myself busy. It’s wonderful to hear all day how positive we can be, the good we can do and maybe even get some guidance.

This audiobook (see above) is what I’m listening to today. It provided a brief meditation and has given me a sense of calm today. You might enjoy it.

In a post by Mrs. Virgo copied from another’s blog, Excerpt from Lee Iacocca; Where Have all the Leaders Gone, is an insightful piece that I think should be read by all.

The weekend was very nice. I slept well Sunday night which is a nice change of pace. There really isn’t too much to report in my life which for this muse, is a good thing :D I painted my first what I call “real piece” of artwork the other day (picture coming soon). I am pleased with it.

I feel some small measure of frustration that I can’t begin to take the steps that I want to take to better myself. But I try daily to not fight the frustration; to accept it so I can see the other possibilities that await my attention now.

For now though, I’m learning the lesson I had forgotten in all the chaos that my life had become… Since its quiet, calm, and not a day where I’m frantically trying to fill a void with some activity; I’m remembering what it’s like to just enjoy the day.

That is my goal today.

Enjoy your day everyone!
XO
Muse

Where to begin...

2007-04-09T11:49:00.000-05:00

She walked in the room and conversation ceased. The hushed silence brought on by everyone’s smiles and glances insisted that indeed she was royalty. Heading straight to the reception desk where she was greeted with a soft hello and a welcome to the Hotel Monaco, the Muse smiled and knew that a weekend removed from all life’s daily routines was underway…

~*~

This weekend… This weekend. Oh my goodness there just aren’t enough descriptive words in the English language to describe this weekend. So I’ll offer snippets. Little tasty tidbits if you will. Here we begin:

Chocolate covered strawberries delivered to the room. Fizzy balls of aromatherapy for the hot tub. A room that looked like a palace. People dying to wait on you hand and foot. Wide screen plasma HD TV on the wall. A dozen beautiful long stem roses. Turn down service complete with chocolates and a breakfast card for room service. Phenomenal breakfast offerings and even better dinner offerings. Fully stocked wet bar. TV and snack tray in the bedroom of the suite. Chaise lounges in two different places. Window seating in EVERY single window the room had. Black out drapes that made day turn to darkest night with the simple tug of the drapes. Pillows you sank into forming against your shape. Wine tasting every night between 5 and 6pm. Homemade chocolate cookies so warm they melted in your mouth. A doorman who opened and closed every door for you as well as hailed a cab at any time. A concierge willing to do anything for you if you just ask. Wicked (need I say more?). An extra day of pampering. Blue Man Group!

And the best part? The thing that topped it all? Well two actually:

The company of one very caring man – Google Man
The company on our last day of two very special friends: Mrs. Virgo and Kyle

From the start on Thursday on arriving, I felt removed from my life. I felt like a princess or maybe even a queen. The whole weekend had its wonderful moments like this that reminded me of just how special an occasion like this is. I’m busily trying to imprint every single memory into my head, and busy trying to plan some future things ;)

So now, where words have failed me, I will give you pictures. Rest assured this muse had the best weekend of her life in so many ways this weekend. (It had been lengthened by a day too!)

Thank you Google man, for an experience I shall never forget.

Energy, Excitement, & Anticipation...Oh my!

2007-04-05T08:53:00.000-05:00

The key that unlocks energy is desire. It's also the key to a long and interesting life. If we expect to create any drive, any real force within ourselves, we have to get excited. ~ Earl Nightingale

~*~*~*~*~*~

Well excited is definitely how I feel today! My stomach is in knots, my energy level is high (despite only 4 hours sleep AGAIN last night), and I’m ready to go!

Tonight is the start of a weekend I’ve never experienced before in my life. Starting with a long relaxing soak in a Jacuzzi tub, followed up with some good food and (hopefully) much needed sleep, the start of the weekend sounds promising. Then tomorrow an extravagant lunch at Foga De Chao, followed up with relaxing (maybe a walk on the beach ?) as we spiral closer to the 8pm showtime of Wicked, rounds out the middle of the weekend nicely. Saturday, with a slow wake up and lunch downtown before heading home is just what the doctor ordered too for this muse to wrap this magnificent weekend up nicely!

I am so excited!

I’ve never done anything on this scale before. In some cases with all the pampering the hotel offers, and the company, and the special events, I feel almost like I’m embarking on a magical journey; one which will hold much memory for me for a very long time.

Did I mention I’m excited?

So today I got up at an ungodly 4:45am (Yes, not even God is up at that hour!), took a nice long shower full of pampering to help jumpstart the weekend. I made a body scrub of Lavendar, a tiny amount of Ylang Ylang, and Sandalwood with a drop (literally!) of Sweet orange. It’s a wonderful combination! I took extra time this morning to wake up slow, to meditate (for 2 minutes) and to breathe deeply before I rushed around my morning (yes I was late :P but who cares!)

I then spent the drive to work which was almost an hour today thanks to the errands I had to run, talking with my favorite Australian male (oooh la la!). I think I jumped from topic to topic like my mouth was on fire or something, but thankfully Aussie_male can keep up quite nicely.
And now I’m at work, having secured already the “Can I leave an hour early if I skip lunch” promise, just waiting for the day to speed up! I wish I had control of time to make it speed up just for a few hours, maybe 1pm or so… Then to slow it down so that the rest of this weekend goes by nice and slow.

I want to enjoy every offering of this weekend. I want to digest it, process it, retain it, and file it away neatly in my library of memories that are so real I could relive them everyday. I might even write about it if inspiration finds my exhausted mind.

There are so many things I want to blog about but right now, this is all that is running through my mind.

I am so excited :D

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today I have an abundance of excitement (No, say it isn’t so!). I wish to pass that on to you. So that you too may feel what it’s like to have that joyous anticipation that you know will herald good times. I wish you not only the anticipation, but also the good times that go along with them. That, and many hugs...

You are a blessing to me everyday.

Weddings and Getting healthy and Lord of the rings... Oh my!

2007-04-03T10:36:00.000-05:00

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. ~Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680)

With every experience, you alone are painting your own canvas, thought by thought, choice by choice. ~Oprah Winfrey (1954 - ), O Magazine

Ways to Volunteer to the Many Blessings Project:
3. Step into the Circle of Blessings. Every day at 12 noon, Greenwich Mean Time (7am CST During DST, 6am Otherwise in CST), we invite you to stop whatever it is you are doing and spend three minutes blessing the world. For that brief span of time each days, simply close your eyes and mentally connect with others around the world as together we visualize a peace-filled and prosperous planet where harmony, joy, love, beauty and abundance abide. Imagine a world where everyone is blessed by the presence of everyone else. Just imagine how beautiful such a world would be. http://www.mayyoubeblessedmovie.com/

~*~*~*~*~*~

Many thanks first off to Mrs. Virgo. She took my literally by the hand and filled me with all sorts of healthy nutrients and supplements this weekend. I am now taking a large does of Omega 3, and all sorts of other things. She helped me find and get my Homeopathic remedies for so many things, and boy do I feel good!

It has been SO long since I took the things that I know are good for me. I’ve been doing some small amounts of things, like a one a day, and some other things. But to truly feel my best, I need so much more.

I have to find a way to reorganize my budget so that I have more towards buying the things that are healthy for me to eat. That’s the only way I’m going to re-do my eating habits. I’ll spend more time trying to move things around to do this.

I’m really excited to get healthy. I’ve been doing ok with weight loss. Had a major shift this past few weeks and gained quite a bit of weight (13 pounds!!!). SO I’ve spent this week working my buns off to lose that weight in anticipation of the outfit I want to wear for the Theater this Friday. So far I’ve lost 8 of it. But before you get too excited, remember this is weight loss from a weight gain. Once I lose this weight, I have to keep going!

I’ve done some recalculating (serious recalculating, not guesstimating) about how much I want to lose. I have a goal of 155 pounds (based on my height and bone structure) but I will accept up to 180. That’s quite a bit of weight to lose. (no I wont tell you how much :P just know it’s a lot). In any event, I’m motivated today. I feel like I could go right now and buy a ton of good for me stuff, meditate, pull my daily cards and goddess cards and be fine. The problem is I’m NOT motivated when I get home. I notice my motivation comes during the day, and always when I can’t do anything about it (i.e. at work). So I need to find a way to either prolong that motivation, get some quick results to add more motivation or find a way to utilize the motivation when it hits so it’s not wasted energy.

Thoughts? Ideas?

Also as for the items listed above (the quotes) I fully intend to do exactly what she said. Everyday at 7am (I start work then) I’m going to bless the world. I’ll allow whatever thoughts of whomever, wherever, worldwide to pass through my mind and hopefully many others will be doing it too. If nothing else, it will start my day off right. I need that.

In other news, your favorite muse is very very very tired. I haven’t been sleeping well and it’s been wreaking havoc with my emotions. I’ll be spending this week trying to recoup some sleep so that for the weekend I’m not a walking zombie. I was so tired on Saturday that my muscles, and my bones ached. Not just ached, but I was so bone weary that poor Google man spent the majority of the night massaging my legs and back and neck just so I could move! I’ve only one other time felt so tired and trust me I don’t want to feel that tired again!

And lastly, I received a key for the game Lord of the Rings Online. I’ve activated that and am going to try that for a bit tonight as I relax and wind down. It will be the first game I play where I’m not the “lead” of anything, but am just a player enjoying a game.

Oh! And one more important thing I forgot! Mrs. B in AZ is getting married!!! She’s asked me to partake of this joyous occasion by being her Maid of honor! I’ve never been a maid of honor and am petrified. Imagine me, trying to straighten her gown and pulling it off because I’ve pulled too hard, or pulling her backwards making her lose her step. EEK! I have all these visions of trying to help her get ready and doing something clumsy like poking her in the eye or something. Is it normal to be this scared? All kidding aside though, I am honored to be asked to do this and I accept it wholeheartedly. I will be doing my best to lose some weight so that come May or June of 2008, I don’t look like a pig stuffed in a blanket and instead look like the goddess I truly am. Wish me luck in this!

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today I wish for you to get healthy! Take an extra vitamin, drink more water, do something that makes you feel good. And I’ll be right there along side you cheering you on!

You are a blessing to me everyday

Changing If Only to I will, I accept, I BELIEVE... One thought at a time.

2007-03-30T08:47:00.000-05:00

Finding Unqualified Happiness
If Only

Since most of our experiences are rooted in cause and effect, we naturally want to justify our contentment. We envision grand circumstances, stating that if only we could achieve this goal or obtain that possession, we would finally be in a position to attain happiness. As a result, satisfaction is always just out of reach and the very notion of grabbing hold of it seems like nothing more than a pipe dream. But the truth is that sincere contentment and fulfillment are never wholly the result of external events or situations. Though life's joyful moments can ignite the spark of contentment within us, that spark is fueled by serenity long established in our souls. When we forget this, it is easy to become stuck in "if only" patterns of thought. If we concentrate on the natural serenity that exists within us, however, we can move forward unimpeded by disappointment.

The circumstances you live through each day have the potential to bring both joy and despair into your life. Relying on the reactions they awaken within you to create an emotional foundation means living on a roller coaster of feeling whose course is determined by chance. Though you may yearn for the object of your desire-be it a new job, financial health, a spouse, or some other symbol of success-you have within you the power to be happy without it. Letting go of your "if only" thinking patterns can be as easy as recognizing that inward emptiness cannot be dispelled with outer world solutions. Try creating a list of your "if only"s. Then literally and figuratively let go of the items on the list by tearing it up or burning it. This simple action can help set in motion the intention to set you free, enabling you to make a fresh and balanced start in the present, unencumbered by regrets and unfulfilled desires.

There will likely be periods in your life in which you find yourself tempted to seek a magic formula for fulfillment that is centered upon a single goal or achievement. But the ingredients that come together to form the seeds of happiness that can sustain your spirit throughout the triumphs and trials of existence come from within rather than from without. When your search for satisfaction is focused on your soul, you will never fail to find the joy you seek.

~*~*~*~*~*~
I would normally post this on Digital Soup Online; the Blog. But I wanted people to read it so I posted it here. www.dailyom.com is such a good place of inspiration. Mostly in Digital Soup, I post a lot of daily OM’s. There are other things there too but this place has the best daily inspirations.

Today’s seemed appropriate as this morning I was lamenting over the things I don’t have in life. Not that I was dark and depressed over it, but I found myself going “If Only I had…” or “If Only I had done…” and even in some cases “If Only I had NOT…”. Then immediately following a string of those thoughts, this appeared in my email. What timing.

I immediately put my work aside and began a rough list of “If Onlys”. This list includes both seemingly negative and positive things. But it is the list of things that bounce back and forth in me. What’s your “If Only” list like? Do you need to do some cleaning? Some letting go?

IF only:
~I was thin
~I had more money
~I had a home (specifically a mansion)
~I could keep up with the latest trends in technology
~I could eat out whenever I wanted
~I didn’t have to work
~I had never married too early
~I had never started a bad habit in November
~I could get back into school
~More people would listen to me instead of brushing me off
~Crony would be quiet
~I were working at home again
~I was free to do what I want
~I would paint again
~I would be creative with my ATC’s
~I would write a single poem!
~I had a better car
~I wasn’t having trouble sleeping

There are so many things in that list. And now, I will imagine that ball of stress related to most of those “If Only’s” and pack it tight, just like I would a snowball…. Pack it harder and harder until it’s all condensed into one freezing ball of stress, and then I’ll throw it as HARD AS I CAN, as FAR AS I CAN...away from me!

For the rest of the day today, I will change the “If Only’s” to

~I Will, Wont, Accept, and Believe:
~I will be thin
~I will have more money
~I will have a home of my choice
~I will have the best electronics that are necessary in my life (and yes I can choose between need and want)
~I won’t eat out whenever I want to, but I WILL eat well at home, cooking and eating with pleasure not pressure.
~I will someday be my own boss, begin a business that takes off with others, or enjoy my job even if it’s volunteering.
~I accept that I married too early.
~I believe this bad habit will go away because I WILL it too.
~I will get back in school when it’s right
~I accept that some people don’t listen because they’re on a different path, and I BELIEVE that others do because they believe in me too.
~I believe that Crony will eventually be quiet.
~I will work at home again (see earlier line about my job)
~I accept that I am free and believe in myself to make the choices necessary to maintain that freedom
~I WILL paint again
~I WILL be creative again
~I believe I will write a poem soon
~I will have a new car someday
~I believe that I will get more sleep very soon.

I can’t “throw them away” as the daily om suggests, but I can change them and send that out instead. May your “If Only’s” be changed into your positive intentions!

Make it a great day,
Love, light and bright blessings and,
You are a blessing to me everyday

Muse

I'm Alive

2007-03-29T12:48:00.000-05:00

When you bless the day

I just drift away

All my worries die

I'm glad that I'm alive

~Celine Dion “I’m Alive”

~*~*~*~*~

Today is a good day, relaxed pace at work, more sleep last night than I’ve gotten in a few weeks, and a visit to Mrs. Virgo on the schedule.

Last night through a particularly trying time, I re-discovered a book I had purchased a while ago that literally fell into my hands reminding me that it needed to be read. It’s a book by one of my favorite authors Don Miguel Ruiz. It’s called Prayers; A Communion with our Creator. So today in lieu of anything to report (other than I’m struggling with my weight, but I’m happy, alive and the future looks bright); I’ll post instead the two prayers (Customized by me for me) that I read today in the morning and again just now. Maybe they’ll bring you some peace too.

Prayer for Love
Today, Creator, help me to accept myself the way I am, without judgment. Help me to accept my mind the way it is, with all my emotions, my hopes and dreams, and my unique personality. Help me to accept my body the way it is, with all its beauty and perfection.

Today, Creator, clean my mind of emotional poison and self-judgment, so that I can live in peace and love. Let the love for myself be so strong that I never again reject myself or sabotage my happiness and personal freedom. Let me love and accept myself without judgment, because when I judge myself, I find myself guilty, and feel the need then, to punish myself.

With the power of self love, let all my relationships be based on love and respect. Help me to let go of the need to tell others how to think or how to be. Let me accept the people I love just the way they are, without judgment, because when I judge them and blame them, I find them guilty, and feel the need to then punish them. Help me, Creator, to love everything you create with no conditions, because when I reject your creation, I reject you.

Today, Creator, help me to start my life over with the power of self-love. Help me to explore life, to take risks, and to love myself unconditionally. Let me open my heart to the love that is my birthright so that I can share my love wherever I go.

Blessed Be.

~*~

Prayer for the Physical Body
Today, Creator, I promise to make a new agreement with my physical body. I promise to love my body unconditionally as my body loves me. I promise to protect and take care of my body. I will never gaain reject my body, abuse my body, or be ashamed of how it looks. From now on, I will accept my physical body as it is. I will enjoy my body, and be grateful for all the pleasures of life it gives me.

Forgive me, Creator, for believing all the lies about my physical body. Forgive me for judging my physical body against a false image of perfection. Forgive me for everything I haven’t liked about my physical body.

Today, Creator, help me to see my physical body as a living temple where you live. Help me to respect my body, to love and honor my body. I know that to treat my body with respect, love and honor is to respect, love and honor your creation. Help me, Creator, to give my physical body whatever it needs to live in perfect health, harmony, and happiness with you.

Blessed Be.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
You are a blessing to me everyday. May you feel that intention as I send it on it’s way to you.
XO

Spring Cleaning, Piano Man, & Le Coffee Table Extraodinaire!

2007-03-27T09:47:00.000-05:00

“If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.” ~Nadine Stair

“Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself” ~ Zen Proverb

~*~*~*~*~*~

Spring is fast approaching, and with it the desire to do spring cleaning. I have struggled against that feeling :P. However, I have been doing spring cleaning in my life. The two letters in my prior posts (The Unforgiving Muse and The Letter of Goodbye – Long Overdue) are part of that change.

There’s a lot to unravel and surprisingly not as much as I thought. But, as things come up I am working on dealing with them right away. Who knows, maybe this is just what the doctor ordered?

In other news this past weekend was a blast! I did literally nothing except receive new furniture and go to a piano bar! I had never been to one before and it was a BLAST! The man playing piano was interactive, lively and good. The man backing him up, the jack of all music instruments as Google Man calls him, was EXCELLENT in his craft. He did a saxophone solo in the song “Just a Gigolo” that was phenomenal. After eating dinner (with me singing along with the piano VERY LOUDLY) I made Google man come with me and literally sit AT the piano bar where I proceeded to sing a bit more and interact with the piano man’s family who was also sitting there. It was SO MUCH FUN. Seriously, I felt so alive!

As for the coffee table, click and see. It’s gorgeous! (YAY for new coffee tables! This is the closest image to my actual table that I could find. It’s close but not exact. But still gives you a good idea.)

Saturday morning, afternoon, and Sunday pretty much all day was spent lounging around doing whatever I wanted. Watching movies, eating good food, having good conversation and watching the sun set and rise. What a way to rejuvenate!

Just two weekends from now, I’ll be packing my bags and spending two luxurious nights in a 5 star hotel complete with a Jacuzzi soaking tub, included breakfast, and wine tasting each night. As if that wasn’t enough, I’ll be going to my first ever theater performance in the city seeing Wicked! It is after all Google man’s birthday and what a way to spend it on the town! I’m just about as excited as he is (and maybe even more).

I’ve been trying as well to walk more. As you can see from my stats I’ve been doing better (even walking within two days of a previous walk, go me!) and I’ve increased not only the speed but the distance too. Now if I could just get back to eating smaller portions, I might see a weight drop instead of hanging on that damn plateau I’m on.

Everyday I have this wonderful iPod with me and I’ve almost filled it (well I have 10g free out of 30 :P) with ALL my music from my DJ files, two movies, and a slew of podcasts. The podcasts are WONDERFUL. I have about 30 that I subscribe to. Everything from cancer care and help to meditation, old cartoons, and affirmation broadcasts. They really are a treat. I’m even looking (casually) into making my own podcast of something or other, if I ever get the nerve to do it :P

I’m also cleaning up my finances even more. I’ve held onto several things that are related to Utopia Skye, but sadly they too must go or be changed. I’ve cancelled my home phone (yes all you who have it, time to keep my cell # as that is my only means of contact as of 4-4-07), and considering cancelling the forums on Utopia Skye and making some changes elsewhere. I must get some more cash and until my job prospects change for the better, I have to make do with what I have.

It feels good to be on a path of change. It’s nice to feel like I’m throwing the proverbial garbage out and replacing it with all new things. New in thought, heart or spirit, not necessarily new in purchase. I know this is more a smattering of what’s going on, but this is my life and for the first time in a long time, it is balanced and I am enjoying it :)

The yin and yang of my life is no longer my nemesis, it is in fact today, my joy.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today I wish for you to find balance. It can be balance in the smallest thing, or balance in a big way. Either way, the benefit of balance is so rewarding. The resulting peace, and comfort are two things I would never give up. Today I wish for you to feel that peace, that accomplishment.

You are a blessing to me everyday, in so many ways. Thank you for sharing my journey.

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
Today’s Interesting link (believe it or not I got it from Oprah) is Grammar Girls. It seems to be an informative site for everyone. Check it out and see how much you like “Quick and Dirty” ;) Come on… you know you want to :D

Success Again!!!

2007-03-26T18:15:00.000-05:00

Twice in a week, boy oh boy!

Time: 29.30 minutes
Distance: 1.03 miles
Fat Grams Burned: 47
Fat Calories burned: 150
Speed: 2.2 Miles per hour!

I hope this works, if it doesn't I'll be really pissed and drown my sorrows in one of every variety of the most fattening Jamba juice :P but for tonight, definitely Jamba Juice lite! (i didn't get any the other day :( )

SUCCESS!!!

2007-03-24T13:55:00.000-05:00

A new milestone! I’m so proud of myself!

Distance: 1 MILE!
Time: 32 minutes
Fat Calories Burned: 149
Fat Grams Burned: 46.9!
Speed walked: 2 MILES per hour!

Major props to me today. It is DEFINITELY a jamba juice lite day ;)

Silence...

2007-03-23T13:13:00.001-05:00

Silence is the true friend that never betrays. ~Confucius

Silence is the universal refuge, the sequel to all dull discourses and all foolish acts, a balm to our every chagrin, as welcome after satiety as after disappointment. ~Henry David Thoreau

In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in an clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.
~Mahatma Gandhi

Silence is a fence around wisdom. ~German Proverb

Silence is as deep as eternity; speech, shallow as time. ~Thomas Carlyle

Silence is medication for sorrow. ~Arab Proverb

Silence is more musical than any song. ~Christina Rossetti

Nothing is more useful than silence. ~Menander of Athens

Silence is a sounding thing, to one who listens hungrily. ~Gwendolyn Bennett

Silence is the mother of truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli

There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub. ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Silence is the secret to sanity. ~Astrid Alauda

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. ~Josh Billings

There are times when silence has the loudest voice. ~Leroy Brownlow

Let us be silent, that we may hear the whispers of the gods. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Silence is also speech. ~Proverb

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence.... We need silence to be able to touch souls. ~Mother Teresa

~*~*~*~*~*~

Some quotes today for those that seek silence and peace, or live in silence, or wish to have calm… That’s all for today.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

The Yin & Yang of this Muse (Things I suck and excel at)

2007-03-22T01:00:00.000-05:00

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." ~ Ambrose Redmoon

~*~*~*~*~*~

All right, courage it is…

I will have courage to list openly my faults, and I will temper that with my strengths too.

THINGS I SUCK AT:
~Losing (I am a horrible sore loser, especially at console gaming, pvp, etc)
~Hand/Eye Coordination (I am forever dropping things… truly. It’s so annoying)
~Math (Don’t get me started)
~Intelligent conversation (No, this is not a put down. What I mean to say is that I get confused easily, especially on topics I’m not well versed on… like government etc)
~Being less Judgemental (See my shadow self in my prior post here, for some good tips on this as it pertains to me
~Handling rejection (I will avoid it at all costs, because I can not handle it well at all)
~Handling my anger (yes, I am high strung, angry, etc. It’s why I always try to walk on the light side…)
~Avoiding depression (My glass is half empty most of the time)
~Saving Money (I usually don’t have it anyway, but when I DO I’m horrible at keeping it.)
~Letting go of big past hurts. (I really struggle with this one… in a lot of ways.)
~Being more cautious with new people in my life. (Also one of my strengths for various reasons)
~Tennis on the Nintendo Wii (Shockingly Google man offered this one. Maybe it’s because we played like 15 games of it and I won ONCE. But truly, the sensors were off… I went for every ball, and swung and swung … It must be the games fault :P)
~Going to sleep on time (But who wants to go to bed on time!!! So I still act like a child on this one, but … I’m forever young, so it’s all good)

So many more I could list…but onto the good things.

THINGS I EXCEL AT:
~Expressing myself (MOST of the time I am able to verbalize what I’m feeling in some creative way)
~Loving openly (Interesting eh since I said I’m judgemental? But I do love openly for the most part, however when I DO judge, I judge hard)
~Singing (I LOVE to sing… )
~Making Soap :P (SOOO fun)
~Hugging (Nothing better than a deep hug with a full heartbeat accompanying the warmth of an embrace)
~Kissing (well yes, I kiss with passion, there can’t be a BAD kiss when done with passion… ok well maybe but not MINE :P)
~Helping people find their strengths (There is no greater feeling than when you are able to highlight the beauty of a person’s soul)
~Listening to people
~Shining my light (On good days, I can almost envision the light inside me radiating out like a lighthouse beacon to all those who need it most.)
~Crying (Cleansing tears are always good)
~Feeling other people’s pain and helping them deal with it (I try, and I’ve been told I do well. Though it’s not as easy as people think)
~Passion (I have so much of it in so many situations.)
~Strong Character (Courtesy of Google Man who seems to think that I am strong in my character… hmmm)
~Laughing and being Goofy (Another Google man submission. He seems to think I’m good at being goofy. I have to admit; on a good day nothing can kill my smile)
~Motivation & Determination (Ok I have to cut google man off from his drink or whatever he’s smoking, because this one floors me. I’m motivated only when I want to be. To me motivation and determination are constant. But I applaud him for saying I have these… :)

THINGS THAT OTHERS THINK I’m GOOD AT:
~Being intelligent. (HAH! I’m being ordered to not comment on this one, and just accept it as it is. So with slight resignation I will shut my mouth :P)

Ok so I have 13 things I suck at, and 15 I’m good at. Hmm maybe it’s time for some change ;) So take some stock, what do you think of your faults and strengths? Be bold, be daring you know you want to :P

Most importantly though, be well today everyone.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

XO
Muse

Musings...

Monday; Infusion of Calm

Healing begins; Breathe & Meditate with Marcome - Relaxing Soothing Music

Angel's Breath by Paul Collier; Emerging Courageous

Adele - Someone Like You; for someone special

Turning Tables

My own private hell

The hope for Love; farewell

Easy like Sunday morning

To the Muse of Fear

Happy 2011! Goodbye 2010-Year end review

Cauliflower Puree

Ingredients

Preparation

Lets Say Thanks

Cooking - Homemade Potato Soup

Mean people suck

Floating

Gratitude Monday 11-29-10

Sleep...for K

Gratitude Monday

Pretty Girl

Gratitude

She finally got to be on her beach

Angels with one wing...

I speak, Reflections, Releasing the Songbird

The things you are to me

The unfolding of the flowers....

39 years of life

Been around the block

Remembrance

Year end review; Goodbye 2008

Exercise for the brain; spirit; intellect

Full Circle

Serane's Serenity

This blog has moved....

Finally, SOMEONE said it...

A break

Trust... Pathways... Peace

Whatever life we get is bonus...

WoW; A Woman of Worth

When staying alive means...

Social butterfly! (and no cancer, again!) I'm on a roll!

Oprah, Guys, Stereotypes and a TOTAL RANT *Long post*

Silence of the heart

Guardian Angels, Sanctuary (LONG story)

I am in LOVE!

Doubts & Stress & Decisions... Oh my!

Communication

Weekend of fun

The Day is Done

Psychology with Dr. muse

15 minutes with me... the good, the bad, and the stark truth (confession too)

Moving on up... not necessarily to the East side

Find your inner Paul Potts

Secrets

Vacation Memories

Vacation; Reconnecting with Serenity

You are my sunshine... *Special Post*

35 year old Uncertainty...

Awakening...

Good things are coming.... The Library of Light

A little bit of sun.

Blue or Dark Monday

Wednesday Catch Up & Goddess Inspiration

The Simple Life

Life is Good.

Judgement & Joy

Cha Cha Cha Changes & a Late Happy Mother's Day!

"Are we friends?"

Dreams, Action, and A Community of Light

Monday's Child was serene

Once in a Blue Moon; May 31st

Memories From a Not So Distant Place

My Muse has come home!

Rose Colored Past

Love's the Only House

Lantern

Maybe, through the Dirty Window

Weight loss & Promises not kept

Oprah, Guys, Stereotypes and a TOTAL RANT Long post

You are my sunshine... Special Post