So help me out here...

The little paranoia demon is at work again inside me.

Let me attempt to explain this scenario to you.

You have friend x, who's a new friend, very nice very open with you. You also have friend y, same deal. Friend z comes along and is nice too but you hear from friend y, that frined z is taking about you. Then through more discussion and the revealing of this friend z to be talking about you as true, you discover that friend x, is using you...and has been from the start.

So up to this moment you have friend y who has been the only one to be honest with you in the long run. But what if they want something too? Or worse yet, what if it's just a huge plot for all three of the friends to break my spirit.

That's how I feel today. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Folks I've come to know online some for years... Well there are a few that I trust implicitly... i can think of like 5 off the top of my head. well more like 3-4.

But does everyone want something? I mean this person wants one thing, this one another... and in the end I'm still left alone, and wondering if I even have friends. This on top of the fact that I wish I had a partner.

I swear the more I feel like this the more I just want to die... Close up, close off, tune out. When I feel like this I just want to hide and not trust anyone.

Not only that but some people I've known for years have opinions of me. I know, everyone will have an opinion. But some of them think .. I dont know I'm not making sense

I just can't verbalize it all. But here I am at work typin in my blog because it bothered me enough today that I had to write it down.

Random Poetry
*sigh* i have none.... again

Corporate America Sucks...

So my insurance was denied. Not, a higher premium, just denied. That sucks. Really bad. I literally was throwing a lot of money at this insurance company, and they denied me. What are my choices? Well try to find another insurance company who is so widely used like this one was so I wont have a problem finding a set of doctors, or find another job, that makes equal pay to what I make now BUT has insurance too.

*sigh*


At least it's Friday right?

Random Poetry (Haiku)

cherry blossoms sweet
ripened youth, sweet perfection
spring's fresh winds are change

I just want it noted

that I officially give up. Those of you that know what's going on, you can think what you want, but I dont need a nymore examples of how fucked up this place is... this world, people etc. So I give up. Tonight and everynight I'll learn slowly even as I cry to just live with only the things I have even if they're not what I want because I just dont fucking care anymore and as someone told me through their own words, it's obvious people dont give a shit, so I'll shut up with my "Bitching and moaning".


Random poetry
I have none.

...

Voici mon secret. Il est tres simple. on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. (It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.) ~Antoine Saint De Exupery; The Little Prince

Douleur heureuse

I dont think if I tried I could find words enough to express the depths of my anguish today.

Random poetry

It's not quite like a hand, but more like a vise
squeezing the flesh as it beats,
reminding me of my place
crystal blue rivers scalding my skin
race the trail that began in my heart
curious the noise all around me
until i realized it's source
the lost soul weary of the things it's seen
without hope for the things yet to be...
cries silently in my ear.
not quite bliss
more like blissful hell
somethings never change
©SKW