Monday; Infusion of Calm

So I've been through another surgery. Apparently I've come through it 100% successful. (In the back of my mind, I have to ask did I really doubt? With a name like P.O.E.M. did I *really* doubt it?). The answer is no, but that doesn't mean I wasn't afraid. And boy was I.

First thanks I must give to my mother. For putting up with me for the two days I turned into a nightmare. And for saving my life many times over. Also thanks to *Victor, Azza, Moggy, D.O, T.T, A.R, A.W, N.E, C.B for thinking of me, calling me, texting me checking in on me. I didn't really think there were that many who cared. I was wrong... Thank you.
*Names are abbreviated or not real names, they know who they are the public world doesn't need to know.

So today I'm trying to plan a return to work, and well looking at things a bit differently it seems than before. I'm not smoking, which was a blessed side effect of the surgery (One I was hoping on as a fail safe since I couldn't quit smoking before the surgery). That brings me to my current living situation. I live with a smoker. It was why I couldn't quite before, I hope fervently I will not succumb once I return home.

It is clear to me changes to my life need to be made. Not just for my health physcially, but also in other ways. Realizations are opportunities for change, and I'm hoping I have the strength to face these changes well. I'm turning 40, there is no better time than now to start living. One step at a time...

"54 Earth. Music by Paul Collier. an Alpha to Delta brainwave entrainment..."

Healing begins; Breathe & Meditate with Marcome - Relaxing Soothing Music

Two days after surgery, I'm amazed at how little pain I'm in. Like a child I sit in wonder at the medicines of the world & the technologies that allow us to do such things... And at the crossroads I sit, in awe of medical technology and reflecting on the past few days. Time to dust off the meditation pillow, I have a lot to work on it appears to me.

Thanks though to friends who were there, I would have been lost without you. <3

Angel's Breath by Paul Collier; Emerging Courageous

Emerging Courageous; Walking through Your Fear

Frequently, in walking through our fear, we discover that the strength of our fright was out of sync with reality.


The situations, activities, and individuals that frighten us remain static. Their relative intensity does not change. Fear, on the other hand, self-magnifies. It is when you are afraid and envisioning all that might go wrong that the energy underlying your fear grows. A tiny flicker of anxiety can easily develop into a terror that manifests itself physically and eventually paralyzes you into inaction. Though frequently, in walking through that fear, we discover that the strength of our fright was out of synch with reality. And we learn that doing what frightens us can lead to great blessings. Confronting your trepidation head-on will help you accept that few frightening scenarios will ever live up to the negative disasters that we sometimes play out in our minds.

Though fear is literally an evolutionary gift meant to sharpen your senses and energize you during times of great stress, it can nonetheless become a barrier that prevents you from fulfilling your potential by causing you to miss out on rewarding, life-changing experiences. During the period before you face your fear, you may have to deal with a barrage of negative thoughts and emotions. Walking through it, whether your fear is public speaking, taking part in an activity that makes you nervous, or asserting yourself when the odds are against you, may be equally as difficult. But once you have emerged unscathed on the other side, which you will, you will likely wonder why you assumed the worst in the first place. As you spend time worrying about what might happen, it’s good to know that your fear probably won’t happen at all. It may feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders, and you will likely feel a sense of passionate pride. Walking through your fear can! mean taking risks and can require both practice and patience. Since it is challenging to act when you are gripped with fear, start small.

Each step you take into fear will strengthen you and help you confront future fears with poise, courage, and confidence. You will also find that when you are willing to stare your fear in the face, the universe will always offer you some form of aid or support. When you see the heights of accomplishment and personal evolution you can attain when you walk through your fears, your faith in yourself will grow, allowing your next step to be easier.

So true for me as of late....Tomorrow is the surgery. I dont hold hands with fear so far today, though it was my companion yesterday evening. Lets hope I can remain unafraid all day today & through tomorrow.

Adele - Someone Like You; for someone special

It's funny that the closer I get to 40 the more reflective I get.

I recently was turned on to this artist whose voice is amazing. Not only that her music is lovely. the lyrics are usually spot on and at a particularly low point in my life, I heard some of her works that truly spoke to me. Last week I hit a very very low point. As I came out of that, I heard this song and it brought back some very powerful memories and some equally powerful realizations.

Now two days before another surgery I find myself reflecting on things & again this song came up in my playlist.

Many years ago ( I can't believe how long ago now!) I met a man online. A relationship started early on and developed over time to something quite deep. There are many parts of this story but the most important is how he moved me. I don't think back when it was going on I realized just how much he moved me...

Years later, knowing his life has moved on and realizing mine in some ways has not I find this piece to be particularly inspiring. How do you describe to people what a perfectly woven piece of fabric in your life feels like? How do you explain someone knowing you so well that you discover pieces of yourself you didn't know existed while you piece the fragments of a life together?

When things ended, decision were made by me in haste that cost me dearly. I realize I made those choices. But even those pains are not so fresh as to make me hurt. They are part of a (Dare I say love Story?) story that has a beginning, middle and end. The story is steeped in seeming fairytale, promises, joy, endings, and lingering emotions.

I miss him. I miss what we had that so long ago seemed perfect. I know what would be today would be different and I know even more so as my heart aches in the memories, that it can never be.

Finally, I think I can fully let him go. I can hold onto the warm memories with not so tight a death grip. I can let him go with a bittersweet love in my heart that will never go away. While I can let him go now, I can't forget him. He gave me such joy and I will be ever grateful for that. I wish nothing but the best for him. I miss him, but I wish him joy, love & peace; and I just want to say Thank you. Thank you for staying in my heart even when I didn't think you were there. But it's ok now. I can let his memories remain memories and let the love I felt back then soar free knowing that it doesn't pain me now, to know it existed.

Be well Mr Uber; I'm here if you ever want to chat as friends. Love to you and yours

Turning Tables

“Thinking TSO was the best thing I ever did is like thinking that the roller coaster is great but really the best part about it is the exhilaration you feel when you take the ride.”

I wrote those words on my forums to all its members, back in 2004 when I was playing my first online game The Sims Online. I re-read the words I write from time to time. I steeped myself in the memories mostly good, that TSO brought me yesterday. I was looking for a post to show someone and on the way to the post in question I found myself visiting several other threads. I hadn't even remembered writing this line. But it's a good one.

Lately I've needed to find “good lines”. I turn 40 in less than a month. I will be undergoing my 4^th surgery in my life in 6 days. I've been yelled at in the past two days by a few people and had the darkest day of my life in at least 5 years yesterday. I sat in the dark staring at nothing and when I wasn't staring I was crying. I literally cried myself to sleep.

The past in some ways has some hold on me still. There are so many good memories, very many good memories... but there are bad ones too. And the bad ones, some of them sting just as much as they did when they were happening.

People can be so callous. So misguided. So hurtful.

I truly cannot understand the person who says they have love in their heart that can spew such words of hate. I have to admit I'm impressed by the artistry displayed when using words as a weapon, in an attempt to push it all back on me. Very crafty, but I refuse the blame.

I take responsibility for my mistakes, my actions and even my screw ups. It doesn't feel good but it feels better to know I am responsible. I live in my heart, I love from my heart and I'm open to many people. But I dont live in my heart & pass judgments on people from high above.

The incident in my mind revolves around so much pain that a chunk of my heart which was ripped out a long time ago still bleeds at the mention of it all. It left me in a very dark place yesterday thinking of it all. It was a dangerous place where shadows entice with dances, and death calls on me like a long lost lover whispering in my ear.

It is thanks that I give to a friend in Australia, who stayed with me, live with me on messenger while he was working just to make sure I was ok.

When I get like that there is this outpouring of my heart, my sadness. And then there is this vast emptiness. The opportunity then becomes filling that emptiness with light. But if light doesn't penetrate I am vulnerable to a relapse. Luckily light wormed its way into the dark chasing the shadows away. For a time I couldn't hear the whispers from the past. I regained my strength and smiled.

The day began to look brighter, my heart lighter. I went out (and spent entirely too much money) but enjoyed the comfort of solitude. No roommate speaking to me. No phone beeping at me. No online obligations to tend to.

And for the first time in a while I picked up a CD. I'm listening to it now (I wish I could sing, but I have a roommate so I can't let free the songbird chirping for the first time in a long time within me). The words of the woman's voice resonate so deeply with my heart that I've been hitting replay over and over as I write. It lifts me, settles me down and lets me write. I had hoped to write something creative today but one of the many ways I work out poison in my heart is through my “pen”. And so here is a musing if you will on how hurtful people can be. It's a reminder too to think of the persons feelings. To look not from a higher perspective of judgment but from a place of compassion that allows you to understand that what you did hurt someone. It doesn't matter if you think you were right or wrong, doesn't matter how much time has past but you hurt someone. And you should own up to it. An apology takes seconds.... literally and it can save years.

Words for thought.

I forgive you, for making a mistake, for betraying me; for thinking you were better than me, for continuing to hurt me, for being in a place in life where you cannot or will not see other people properly. I forgive you because I no longer have to know you. I no longer have to suffer those torments. So I wish you well, and I hope you find your way to open compassion. I hope you can see what people say and accept it as their truth. I hope you will never have to feel the pain you have caused me in your life. I forgive you.Empowered Forgiveness