Enjoying Life...

Tentatively I've started writing again.  Recently I've had some inspiration and help in this endeavor.  As the picture shows, everyday when I open a new tab on my browser I'm presented with a beautiful image, and an opportunity to put what I want to focus on for the day.  Today, I chose "Enjoying the day".

Sometimes I come here and work out my darkness.  Sometimes even when I intend to be the bearer of light those little whispers of what lurks in the corners of my mind sneak out and I look and the whole post is about some anxiety or drama.

Not today.

Today I slept in until well after 8am, having slept the whole night through.  I haven't done that in ages. I woke to the sound of a name on my lips and to love in my heart.  My mind woke up energized and ready to begin creating.  I woke up without pain, without fear, without dread.  And I realized that this has been the way of things lately.  And I am grateful for it.

For a month now I've wanted to come here and post how joy in my life has manifested itself.  But in the way that overwhelming emotion will do, I come here and stare at a blank page hoping my hand can accurately paint what's in my heart.  And my hand is not so expressive at art as my heart is... so the page remained blank.  But my heart sang and remained full.

What joy there is to be had.

To have the simple pleasure of sleep embrace me and surround me.  To have love in every cell of my being.  To give love to everyone I meet because for the first time in a very long time my heart is overflowing.  To have no expectations of deeds, perfection, or lofty goals....  To just "BE" is an exquisite treat.

Love can be a beautiful thing.  I think we, as a society, have grown afraid of it's expression.  Because in that there is a naked honesty that leaves us vulnerable.  But I am not afraid.  That's not to say I haven't felt the nagging fears that have been my companion all my life whispering at my ear.  But those are fears of me, of my body, of my experiences, not of sharing love.  The love that is offered is so genuine even those whispers stand in quiet awe of that pure expression I receive daily in my heart.

I have no plans.  There is no rush to "end game", there is just this moment.  And when I woke this morning fully in the moment, I realized I have been blessed.  And like a child whose mind begins to soak up all the goodness without the fear that chokes so many, I let myself revel in it.  I played in the field of emotion laid before me.  I sang silly songs and found silly pictures gushing with loves profession.  And when I realized tomorrow is my birthday I came here immediately to say to you all....   Life is good.  And even if this is just for a day or a month or whatever; it is good.  I accept it and I reciprocate.

I love.

This is 44

When I want to write, nothing comes; when I have no time to write I am inundated with all the things I would say.  Eloquent phrases and literary works of art spring to mind to torment me knowing I have no outlet to express them.  At least not at that minute.

I visited a site today that I've been on for 12 years now (holy crap!).  It's called Allpoetry.  And since 2003 I've been posting poems there.  Granted I've been absent for a few years here and there but I always go back.  I was quite prolific back in the day.  I don't find the time/energy/look a new shiney!/writers block gets me/space to write as much anymore.

But I wanted to today.  And I fear even this post, on paper as it were, will be lacking the creative perfection that these same words seem to carry as they careen about in my head.

Two years ago, I took a picture or two or 10 displaying for all who would see what my version of 42 looked like.  No, I wont post them here.  I'm not going to take pictures this year.  In fact I have no CLUE what I'm going to do to ring in 44.  It's not a particularly special number now is it?  It's not even halfway to the big 5-0.  But you know, I never really celebrate my birthday anyway.  I learned early on that it really didn't matter (and not because it didn't matter but because people never showed).  It wasn't until I met people online who showed me the importance of the day of my birth. I've yet to bring that special feel, here outside, in reality.

Jesus I sound so melancholy.  *erases everything*

Right fuck that age crap.  yes I'm turning 44 but god damn do I feel good!

I still suffer depression
I still suck at getting in touch with people who are not online
I still suck at sitting down and writing that damn novel
I'm still overweight (which really sucks honestly)

But I have love.

^ Yea that.  So what could be wrong? Right here in this moment, where I sit typing away at my computer there isn't a damn thing wrong. I'm not melancholy, I'm not angry, I'm actually happy.

So all you guys get is my random sputterings, but hopefully you get the message.  All is well, and I have love.  And that is the single most important thing to me.  (Well that and bacon...)

Unfriend...

We've all done it.  We've all been careless with our words because we were hurting.  Sometimes we maybe didn't even have control over it.  It hurts worst when you were on the precipice of trusting someone.  Sure, some may say "better to know now" but sometimes the opening of the door is almost as hard as stepping through.  Just the fact that the door was opened was trust enough, and when hurt makes people act mean it hurts even at the beginning.

Anger is a healthy emotion.  Our world tells us to stifle it.  We're so PC that we have lost touch with the reality of our feelings.  Anger burns bright and if tended to right away burns quickly like a match. Once expressed it fizzles and has no spark left and cannot burn again without external sources.

I recently trusted someone.  I let them inside.  I did (if I'm being honest with myself) have a thought or two about the longevity... but I ignored it.  Recently despite being honorable and honest at all times, the dynamic ended.  And since then words have been bantered about.  They've been cold, and directed with precision at me.

I was sad for a brief period of time, then I got angry.  How dare you say these things?  How dare you be sanctimonious and play the victim when there was no WRONG done.

Hurt sucks, I get it.  But...

Once that match of anger fizzled out, I saw things more clearly.  I saw that I simply had a choice... so I choose not to bow down to hurtful words.  I choose not to keep that connection and so I let it go. Because the hurt that is being expressed is not mine.  I am not hurt.  I am sad and disappointed for lost possibilities; but I am not hurt.

Perhaps in time the hurt that is perceived can be released by this person and they can find joy.  But in my choices I've chosen also to not be a part of that life and so I'll never know.  But I can send wishes and good intentions.  Because they need it, and because it's right.

And because I deserve better.