Weekly catch up sort of... Long post

“In order to hear your calling and answer it, you must generously give yourself the gift of time. It’s not how fast you make your dreams come true, but how steadily you pursue it.” ~Sarah Ban Breathnach

~*~*~*~*~*~

Lately I’ve been really trying to do some soul searching. Mainly I am just trying to find my soul, that which seems to be on vacation a bit… ;) But some days I get lucky and can find and reflect on the things that make me tick.

Watching “The Secret” has given me some insight. Unfortunately with my roller coaster emotions as of late, I am unable to completely hang on to the message. But luckily it’s been imprinted deep enough that in some cases, I need only reach a little bit further for the meaning of it all.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk for a while now. I even refer to this funk in earlier posts. It prohibits my creative juices from flowing so to speak, so writing is out; ATC’s are out; and sadly even singing is out. The end result is a listless, restless soul who more often than not paces her apartment, and avoids her blog for fear of posting something that may be only temporarily true (i.e. Sadness that is not permanent, restlessness that is circumstantial, and illness that seems to have no diagnosis but is hopefully temporary too)

I have been trying to come to grips with the differences in my life. Not just the surgery; not just the fear of having had cancer and the elation of no longer having it; not just the new energy I have from 40 pounds of weight lost; not just the depression swings from menopause; and not just being lost in some void waiting for something to change. I feel like I should be doing something. But I can’t figure out what.

I watch more TV than I ever did before. Despite losing almost 40 pounds (yay) I am now hitting a plateau and have no desire to walk, to lose more, to do anything. Thankfully I eat less, but sooner or later no matter how little I eat, the weight will pack on.

The good bit is that I DO have a desire to go out more.

See this whole thing is the problem. I’m no longer comfortable in my own skin. It used to be before the online world, that I was comfortable being a go-getter in a fast paced job, fast paced industry. Then my divorce hit, my being alone for the first time in so many years, etc. Then I became comfortable as a recluse, hiding from others by being online. That was ok for a while. Now, post surgery, due to many factors, I am no longer comfortable in the world that I’ve built for myself. I like gaming, but it doesn’t hold the same power over me that it did. I like all the contact online, but wish it was much more meaningful, less fleeting and less acquaintance like (NOTE: there are exceptions to this, friends I’ve met online, hell entire FAMILIES I’ve met through friendships online, who have become very true friends, I am not denying that I have made some very good quality friends, simply saying I wish some of the contacts I DID meet aside from those friends were not just people who are liars, and don’t care about others. Because those liars and others, have hurt me and some even wanted to use me.). I’m having a hard time being who I was and I have no clue who I am now.

Wow, you don’t hear from me for a week and I come here and just babble incessantly. Sorry lol, I’ll wrap this up.

Anyway, I miss blogging my thoughts, but do not wish to fall back into the same trap I was in when I first started blogging. Not so much because of how may people see me, but for how I see myself. I look back on those old posts and can say “I know what I was going through” and have some respect for my journey, but they still make me wince to read them. But I feel too as if my voice (literally) has been cutoff lately.

So I will make some goals today. Easy ones, that I’m sure to complete so as to help me get that sense of accomplishment, that always leads to bigger and better things.

~I think today’s goal for me is to sing. Simple, pure, easy… just sing. Somehow song and music helps put me in a different spot and being able to express vocally will help open my heart.

~I think the weekly goal will be to find and flip through “Life’s Catalog”. This is a place where I can look through the things that are available to me, but I have never claimed. I think I’ll create it even in my mind and make some choices for everything I have ever wanted and send it out just by my choosing.

~I think the monthly goal for February will be to make a vision board. Some type of place where I can list the “possibilities” that I will be a part of once I make the choices from “Life’s Catalog”.

I think now is the time for change if I can just keep my A.D.D. and emotional instability at bay long enough to see it. Wish me luck; this roller coaster ride is ever changing…

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

I have missed doing these most of all. I have no idea if they’ve ever had an impact on you all who read them, but it gives me joy to be able to say “I wish for you…”. So today, I wish for you all to find your “Life Catalog” and look at it. I wish that you have the open heart and open mind you need to acquire the vision that comes with forward thinking particularly about yourself. I hope that if you find yourself in a funk as I have, that you feel my spirit out there going through the same thing. And most of all, I hope that the sun wherever you may be shines on you brightly warming your skin, and your soul. Even if you can’t do a single thing of these wishes, it is my sincere wish that you know at least, that you are loved. Truly.

You are a blessing to me everyday (in so many ways)
Xo
Muse

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new. ~Ursula LeGuin