For all you folks out there who enjoy, live by or listen to Oprah, I’ll advise you, you may want to go to the next blog. This is my entry about my love/no love relationship with her and the folks that she sponsors, promotes etc. You may not like it.
That said, here I go.
I have tried several times to watch Oprah’s show; to listen to her, to read her magazine, her website, and her help articles. I bounce back and forth between a tennis match the two sides of which are: Wow, really good! and Yuppy, Feel Good Suburbanite, Can’t communicate on their own and puts everything to blame elsewhere.
Ok so that didn’t make much sense… But hear me out. I like Oprah. I like a few of her shows, hell I even have one from February still locked away on my Tivo! Sometimes, as I watch her show or read her articles, I get it… I GET IT! And then other times I read things and go, wow that’s totally stereotyping, how many people (women) read this and really believe this? I’m not putting Oprah down, or her beliefs, or her show, or the people that read/watch/listen to her. So before you blast me with hate mail, read this sentence a few times *Points above*. What I AM saying is that she is good, just like everyone else, and sometimes she is not so good, just like… everyone else. The bottom line is read/listen/watch whatever you want, but interpret it your own way.
A PERFECT example of this love/no love duality I have with her is the information I’m posting below. I came across a great article about the 10 rules to live and love by. (Posted below) It’s a great article. So great that I copied it intending to immediately blog it away for you all to read. And then I was so excited over that article that when I found another one about how to “Talk to a man” I thought, alright let’s see what this person that Oprah is backing has to say. What I read left me appalled. Maybe I’m just too idealistic, simplistic, or just slow? But I do not feel that a “rope-a-dope” type of conversation is good for any end result. First off, you’re assuming the guy is a dope (or even the woman… neither are!) and second of all you’re encouraging people to not be truthful in order to make someone else see things your way. Isn’t that manipulation?
I might be going off the deep end here, but the second article left me squarely planted in the seat of “unlove” towards Oprah. I think were I to rewrite these rules they would be simply:
1. Let me help you get that done. I know the frustration with asking someone to do something and not having it done. I was married for 10 years; I came across this a lot in my relationship. So ok, work together and offer to help them with it. I have no problem by the way with the approach she listed, but I do have a problem with: “Men love to show women their tools.” Is this really true? Am I just a bit slow on the uptake here?
2. I agree in some measure with this point, enough that I wont dissect it :P
3. I understand you feel this way, but this is how I feel. How’s that for a win-win? Allowing both parties to respect each other’s perspective. While I have followed the 100% rule on some occasions it’s only when I am wrong and I have no problem admitting it. The biggest problem I have with this statement she listed is this: “Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct…but you still want what you want. In boxing this is called rope-a-dope, and even if you don't know what the rope part means, the dope part sounds pretty applicable. This is called win-win—except you did and he didn't.” Perhaps it’s just a play on words, saying the same thing I would say but not so forthright, either way to me initially reading it, this struck me as manipulation pure and simple.
4. Honey you look great in that sweater! Nothing wrong with that? I agree “cute” would be faux pas but I think that the explanation given below is 100% stereotypical, judgmental and generalized. Particularly this: “Men like receiving compliments because they think it means that you are going to have sex with them.” Again, I’ll defer to my being slow on the uptake, but is this really true? The men I know, have known with few exceptions aren’t thinking that if I open my mouth to offer a compliment, I’m going to jump in bed with them (or maybe they were and didn’t tell me, however in MOST cases, I did NOT go to bed with any of them)
Why does this have me so upset? Because Oprah has a HUGE following. Because someone young woman, (or older woman who is reaching out for advice) will read this and might not be able to pick just the advice that she needs from it. She may also walk away with the opinion that men are only good for using power tools, or for manipulating, and the notion that she should absolutely avoid complimenting a man because then he’ll want to have sex with you.
Guys? Help me out here? Are you all like this? AM I just Alice wandering in the rabbit hole, picking flowers in my own delusion; the one that gives guys more brains than they really have?
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And if you’re interested, here are BOTH articles for your reading, complete with links. You make up your own mind…
Rules to Live and Love By
Kathy Freston, author of The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love shares her rules for finding true love.
There is potential for soul mate love all around us at every moment. It is a matter of recognizing the connection, sensing the "charge" of energy, and then cultivating a relationship that will take us beyond our present limitations. A soul mate brings us enormous joy and fulfillment, but even more importantly, soul mates lead us into our life's lessons. They get under our skin and push our buttons. They inspire us to look at who we are and where we need to grow. Whether single, married, or somewhere in between, we can begin practicing masterful waysof relating with whomever stands before us, and in this way, we become better and more enlightened human beings. We can become the love we want to find; we can source it from within.
1. Seeing your partner through the lens of love rather than fear automatically elevates the relationship to a higher plane. When you can get quiet and note when you are projecting fear, you can make the adjustment to see through a different filter. So often we feel indignant or incensed, but upon closer inspection we will find that we are really afraid. Once we assume our partner's core goodness rather than focusing on their "guilt," they will be more free to show us their best, which accelerates the process of shifting our perspective from one of blame and anxiety to one of acceptance and peace.
2. Being willing to forgive yourself and your partner, and to make amends when necessary is an ongoing process of cleanup. We all make mistakes; it's human. But when we hold fast to a grudge it eats away at our sense of peace and serenity. If you aren't willing to forgive, you might ask yourself what habit of ego you're attached to. Do you want to continue life with unresolved issues hanging over you?
When we take a stand and refuse to let go of something, we can always find evidence to justify it. Or we can try to make peace. Instead of blaming or making excuses, we can clean things up and move forward. This is not an excuse for staying in a dysfunctional situation, but an opportunity to see innocence. Once we do that, we gain—or give—freedom to move out of a "stuck" place.
3. Relaxing when times get tough; assuming that "this too shall pass" allows you to roll with the punches. If you know things will inevitably arise to challenge you, you can be more detached when they do. Problems become worse when we dig in our heels and try to force a solution. By relaxing into whatever struggle arises, we remain flexible and open to inspiration and insight.Even if you have a hard time letting go, you can at least observe yourself taking things very seriously, which in itself helps to detach you from the experience of anxiety. Whatever is happening now won't be happening a year from now, so just keep breathing through the situation and see if you can take things a little less seriously.
4. Seeing in the dynamic of the relationship the reflection of what you need to learn helps bring you back to what is important. Sometimes we get lost in the chatter of day-to-day patterns and lose sight of the soul's mandate to bring us closer to realizing our Oneness. The best way to see where we need to work on things is to observe who we are and what we do within the context of a relationship. Any time you recognize your impulse to create distance rather than intimacy, you can make the adjustment and get back on track.This relationship, as with all relationships, is part of a curriculum to evolve into our highest potential. We come to know ourselves by how we interact with our partner, and by so doing we come to know Spirit.
5. When you don't know how to handle a problem, pray and meditate, surrendering the decisions to SpiritPraying and meditating aligns your limited energy with that which is all-powerful. Of course we don’t have all the answers, but by consigning our limitations to our Higher Power, our burden is lifted. We need to be accountable for our words and actions and be willing to work through where we are stuck. We need to stay present and forgive. Beyond that, our creative power is fueled by Spirit. By praying, we ask for help and guidance; by meditating we clear our minds so that the answer will become apparent. By moving aside, we create an opening for God to work miracles in ways we could never imagine.
6. Honoring your partner's path and allow them the space to find their own way sends a clear message of respect. People need to work things out in their own manner and in their own time. If you try to help where help is not requested, you are signaling your lack of belief in your partner. If you back off and assume someone is strong and intelligent, strength and intelligence are what they will likely find.Although we are all on this path of realization and expansion together, each of us is unique in our lessons to be learned; the way you do something might be totally different than how someone else needs to process a situation. Rest assured that Spirit is at work in all of our lives, and give yourself a rest from overseeing your partner's personal business.
7. Keeping up your personal growth work means you will keep your mind sharp and your awareness keen. Read, study, and attend lectures; don't rest on the laurels of what you think you already know. The moment we think we have it all figured out is the moment things will come crashing down around us. Arrogance leaves no room for intimacy or growth, and is certainly not part of a spiritual curriculum. When you immerse yourself in learning, you will always have new skills and interests to apply to a relationship, and thus the relationship will always feel fresh and relevant.
8. Following the path of your own creativity keeps you attuned to that which moves and inspires you. As you indulge your creative side, you become less dependent on your partner to feel whole. Creative energy is the force that breaks new ground. To sustain love, we need to continually fuel whatever inspires us on the deepest level. Also, creativity balances out the egoic and intellectual side of life; it teaches us to play and have fun. When we engage our passions, we radiate passionate energy and thus maintain the interest of our partner as well as having your own sense of fulfillment.
9. Staying present keeps us in the moment which is where life is. Life does not exist in future predictions or past grievances; all we have for sure is right here and right now. Every moment teaches us something, and if we are busily trying to change or control something we miss the grace intended for us.By allowing the sacred mystery to unfold without trying to tamper with it, we can move through anything with much more ease and simplicity. As we cease resisting, any so-called negative situation or emotion will have the space to work out. And by the same token, when we are completely alert and aware in any given moment, we are open to the subtle miracles happening all around us. By staying present, we will see our partner for who they are; we will hear clearly their communication and respond to it astutely.
10. Being grateful for what you have zeros in on what is working, which in turn magnetizes more of the same. Where you put your focus is where you direct your creative intention; so if you want abundance, be grateful for the vitality you have now. If you want a soulful relationship, be grateful for the soulful moments. Gratitude is like a seed you plant; it grows more as it is watered and nourished. Show your partner what you appreciate in them and let them know that they have a positive effect in your life. The acknowledgement of good will call forth more of the same.
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Man Talk
From the June 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.
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"Let me get your power drill."Suppose you want a man to do something for you, and you've asked him, oh, a thousand times. He's promised he would, which is what's so frustrating—if he flatly refused, at least you'd understand why he isn't taking action. He doesn't want you to remind him about what he needs to do, even though he keeps forgetting. Don't ask him to do a specific task ("Fix the drip in the shower") but to be in charge of solving the problem ("The leak in the shower is driving me crazy"). Offer to help him ("Tell me what tools you need, and I'll go get them for you"). Men love to show women their tools.
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"Wanna dance?"The best way to seduce a man the first time is to let him know you're interested—but not easy—with the word maybe. Maybe you should get together, maybe you'll have a drink with him, maybe you'd like to see his place. There's enough yes in maybe to keep a man from feeling rejected and enough no to keep him challenged. If it's a long-term relationship, the approach is different, but you'll do well if you still think of it as a dance. Get him to snuggle, kiss, and play but once you are there, let him take the lead. Whether it's a date or your 30th anniversary, a man likes to think it's his idea.
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"You're 100 percent correct."It doesn't matter what you're arguing about—he just wants to be right. This is his weakness; you can use it like judo, turning his own momentum against him. Saying two little words, "You're right," is the verbal equivalent of darting a raging elephant with animal tranquilizers. It gives him what he wants, reducing tensions and leaving the way open for you to get what you want. Try it: "You're right, but I still want to go to the party." Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct…but you still want what you want. In boxing this is called rope-a-dope, and even if you don't know what the rope part means, the dope part sounds pretty applicable. This is called win-win—except you did and he didn't.
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"What a manly sweater!"Men like receiving compliments because they think it means that you are going to have sex with them. This can make complimenting a man awkward, no matter how straightforward you are about your intentions. He'll reach this same conclusion if you (a) say "good morning" to him, (b) smile at him, or (c) ignore him, so you might as well go ahead and compliment him if you want. And maybe you are sleeping with him or would consider it, so what are the best ways to get your message of appreciation across? Simply put, we want to hear words that sound masculine. Telling us you think our sweater is "handsome" is a way of saying we're manly, while a "cute" sweater sounds like something worn by a female schnauzer. Giving a compliment is like giving a gift: Don't make it about what you would want, make it about what he wants. W. Bruce Cameron is the author of How to Remodel a Man (St. Martin's) and 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter (Workman), which became the basis for the ABC sitcom of the same name. Read more about men in the June 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. Subscribe now!
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