Remembrance

The day awoke in a mood of grey blanketed with cold, non threatening but looming clouds. At various times in my commute, I listened to music, I reflected on conversations, and ultimately became the witness to my own past as we so often do. I stood under the cover of my building having received a ride from a friend who runs a cab, who so wonderfully gave it to me free today. I sent thanks and prayers on for his safety and comfort and business today. And I watched the clouds caress the grey sky and a song hit my ipod truly bringing the day home.


Three years ago today, I had a surgery to save my life. Every year I celebrate the gift of my life on the day of my surgery because on that rather ordinary day when I woke up, I had not expected to be alive. But I did wake up, and I was, am still alive. I am thankful every year for the expert hands of the surgeons who tirelessly worked to save me. I am thankful my last words to them before I went under that I painfully struggled to say to them whispered though they were “Thank you for saving my life” were heard. I didn't know why at the time, I was so lost and confused in what was going on in my body. But I knew at that moment when I whispered those words as they held my hand and blissful sleep overcame me, that I had wanted to live. See, I had worried about that. Cancer will do that to you. It will rob you of the things you know and expect in life and alters your life course so severely that you wonder if you'll ever get on the right track again.


Just three days before this surgery I had prayed in my blog, openly, publicly:

“Please help me to get rid of this fear that chokes me so much. Please help me to find my place of peace Monday so the last thing I remember when I go under is light, love, or happiness or all of the above. Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long.

Please help me to just get through Monday and know that everything else will fall into place. Let me believe my own words that I’ve said to so many people “Everything happens for a reason”, let me believe them.

And please, send your angels to watch over me, that when I’m having things removed, that their hands help the doctors so there are no accidents, that their thoughts help the doctors should their be any complications due to my weight, that their hearts beat with the doctors so they know that this person on this table is someone’s friend, someone’s daughter and they put everything into helping me live. But mostly, send your angels to hold my hand so the loneliness I feel quite often in my waking life doesn’t find me in the limbo I will be in during this surgery. Just let them hold my hand. “

They did that day and have ever since. On days like today where I reflect on the changes my life has been through, I can almost hear them. When I hear her laugh and feel her happiness I can see them in her eyes. When I look in his eyes and see his sincerity that just leaves no room for doubt and fears of my own, I can almost feel their hand on my heart.

“And one last thing, please give those who care for me peace as they wait anxiously with me for my surgery to be done, the results to be received, and the recovery to go smoothly. Make sure all those waiting know that it will be ok no matter what. “

While the people in my life who were there that day have changed faces, I still remember my mother, and Jessie. Jessie was a remarkable woman who suffered incredibly from cancer at age 27. She lived online and gave as much as she could to all she touched. These few pitiful words do not do her the justice she deserves, as when I think about her I swell with longing to hear her laugh, pain at her loss, and happiness for her peace. How can you describe what only the heart knows, in the language it alone knows the best?

But there she was this morning just as she was that day.

“I'll hold my right hand over my left like Mark said I should, because Jessie will be holding my hand too. I'll do all of it to find that place of peace.

I take you all with me today, in my heart.” (October 9, 2006)

As I clasped my hand over mine feeling her holding my hand, before the surgery and when I woke up later I knew she was there.

So I stood under the gray sky blanketed by clouds and turned away from the street lest anyone see me as I quietly cried in part sadness for the immeasurable loss this world suffers for not having Jessie in it, and in part happiness that not only do I have my life but that despite a few hiccups along the way is going so remarkably well. I turned up the song on my iPod and stood with my eyes closed sending gratitude for the time I had with her, gratitude for my life, and a profound sense of peace not clouded by sadness, but warm like an embrace.

There will be emotions today, there always are but life goes on and indeed for me and still for Jessie in spirit at least, it most surely does...

“Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long. “

I had no idea these words at the time I wrote them, were the tiny spark of hope inside me. I had no idea then, but I get it now. I understand the fire and warmth that those words have blossomed into for me, as part of my LIFE right...now.

Freedom without fear

...I accept

Muse

hear you me

by jimmy eat world

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that'thought
I might get one more chance

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless
angels lead you in

So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in
(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in