Happy Holidays even though it's the Day After!

Happy Holidays and all that stuff!


So it’s been a busy busy week leading up to today.  First I had company from Thursday night through Monday afternoon.  Most know him as Tony, some know him as Nyyrikki or Anthony Giovanni.  He came and stayed over Christmas with me.  It was nice.  We did everything we wanted to do.  We visited friends… he met my mother… and we gamed.  Good times for all.

Last week at work had some surprising things in it.  The biggest of which left me absolutely unable to even write and that was: CRONY GAVE ME A GIFT!  I know shocking eh?  And not only that but it was an AWESOME gift of a HUGE candle.  I almost keeled over.  Apparently everyone in this workplace exchanges gifts and with the exception of three people I got gifts from all.  I got everything from a winter pin, 48 zazo teas, Two Candles, Two ornaments, some munchy type stuff, and I even got a Christmas bonus!  The bonus wasn’t much but it was perfectly unexpected and greatly needed.  I spent way too much money while Tony was here, but it was all spent wisely on groceries.  Tony and I had a feast galore everyday this weekend and I still have a full house of groceries for now.  It’s worth it for even that.  

Now however, a day after the holiday I’m back to reality.  All weekend I’ve had a few stories in my head that want to be written and while I’m inspired to think them, I have no desire to write them.  *sigh*  I can’t win for trying lol.  Not only that, but the day after Christmas has left me empty and alone again.  While I’m not wallowing in the quagmire of depression over it, it has left me a touch sad because there are a some people I think I would enjoy to spend time with (holiday or not) and one of them I would like to spend a lot of time with…. Like as a partner.  But, sadly that won’t happen and the sooner I realize this, the sooner I can wake up.  



And now for what has really bothered me fore a few days:

I’ll never understand people’s desire to send me horribly sad, even cryptic messages over a chat client.  I feel tremendously sad for people who really feel there is no way out for them.  I feel sad too for myself because these people would put the burden on me to help support them.  And do not think me unsympathetic, the problem isn’t that… it’s that I’m TOO sympathetic..  I want so badly to help these people if nothing else for the simple reason that they came to me.  But the fact is, I’m not strong enough myself to overcome my own depression/mood shifts/fears.  I can’t offer to others what I do not have myself.  The only thing I can say to those that have confided in me, is please please seek some help locally to you.  If I were there, I would offer a hug, a shoulder.  I would hope to be able to help you find help for yourself.  But I’m not and to place a burden on me some 3,000 miles or more away is not something I can manage.  Not because I don’t want to but because I simply CANNOT being so far away.  If you wish to give this to me and have me help you then take this advice; Seek help!  I do not know how I would handle knowing someone came to me with ideas of suicide and I was unable to help and as a result their light is gone…

A long time ago when I first began my journey online, I knew someone who had some problems.  She had (from her point of view) some sadness over an online with the possibly of reality relationship that had broken up.  As a result she suffered great depression.  Somehow I got stuck in the middle because I knew all affected parties.  I knew her boyfriend, the other woman he left her for, and the original woman who suffered this depression.  One night I got a series of yahoo messages from her about how she was going to kill herself etc.  After a few hours of talking to her and her relaying to me her thoughts on suicide she had told me she heard people outside her door.  She didn’t live in a very good neighborhood or so she said (I did not even know her area to know if she did or didn’t).  I made her give me her phone number and I talked to her on the phone for hours sharing some things about myself with her to try and help her.  I will never forget that night how heart wrenching it was to be unable to DO a thing, but to listen and absorb her pain as best I could…  It is not an easy thing to do.  In any event at about 2am (yes I worked the next day) I finally went to bed.  She had told me she would call the police about the noises outside her door and that was that.   As I heard later from her (the next day actually), the noises outside her apartment were people who supposedly left her a dead cat on her doorstep about a week ago.  Well on this night, they came back … 5 of them she said, and brutally raped and beat her.  This is what she tells me on the phone.  So I’m an absolute wreck knowing I went to sleep with this noise going on… I should have called the cops, I should have stayed on the phone something… anything…  She was at this point on the phone with me, going to kill herself right there and it was all I could do to keep her from doing it.  In the meantime, I had some friends in a different station call the police in this woman’s state so they could come and take her to the hospital as she was not safe to herself and would need medical care as she told me in detail that she did (I will leave those details out)…  It was the only thing I could think to do.  I stayed on the phone until the cops came, and I spoke to one of the officers and relayed to him in a coherent manner (I could hear her screaming in the background) what had transpired.  

Now before you finish this and think Oh my God!  Read on…

The cop that I spoke to that night said there was no sign of forced entry and she had no marks on her of any kind.  Additionally they said they had been out there many times before.  I was so messed up I almost didn’t care, I just wanted them to take her to the hospital to get checked out and get some help for her suicide threats.  

But later on, it turns out (even though the few times I spoke to her afterwards, she swears it all happened) the evidence supported that NONE of the things she said happened actually did.  There are a few things wrong with this.  1.  What kind of person could make this kind of stuff up???  2. What kind of person would involve someone who can’t do ANYTHING to help except be helpless in listening?

Ever since then I’m VERY careful who I bear pain from.  The next person I did any of that with was Jessie…and since her very few people.  I simply cannot mange that type of pain again…

So please people, before you send me messages like “Well this is the last week I’ll be living, it was nice knowing you” in an offline message, please think.  You are reaching out for help in that statement…. Reach out to someone locally… Please get help, because while I will listen I simply do not have the means to do anything else.

I post this here in the hope that the person who sent me that message will read this and not so much sympathize with my plight, but hear in my typed words the plea that you get help.  Please…

Life may suck sometimes, and for some of us it may suck more so than for others.  But it is OUR life we have to lead.  It is truly one of the only things we have.  Cling to it.  Find some light of hope, ANY light of hope no matter how small.  Cling to it, because it’s truly precious just as each and every one of us is…