I speak, Reflections, Releasing the Songbird

My days move up and down like the slow rolling hills seem to do. One moment you see everything ahead of you, the clear path, and the next you're in the valley with walls around you and shadows dancing with your thoughts.

I wake and try to be grateful for the day. I listen to music with my heart and try each moment to open it just a little wider. My scars on my heart shine more than my light it seems these days. But there are moments still. It seems to take a little more warm candlelight than I remember, but … there are moments.

I cling to those moments when I sit alone like tonight, thinking of what to do. Seeing the various faces of those around me now completely different than the faces that once were, even recently. I get contemplative a lot it seems. The words, emotions, thoughts don't see m to carry the darkness they once did back in 2004. I was so full of hurt back then.

I hurt now too. But thankfully, I'm a bit wiser too (I think)

I know when to look at my own doings and recognize the part I may have played in some of these hurts. I know too when to not shoulder any of the blame. And I'm not afraid to say I've done no wrong. Nor am I afraid to say “I'm sorry”.

For a long time I forgot who I was. I forgot what my core is. Along the way friends have dropped like travelers off to distant worlds, only they have not come back. For those I shoulder regret. It was my distance that allowed them the permission to feel the need to move on. But when I look on those regrets they hurt, however they don't maim like they used to.

Maybe there is something to this growing up thing after all .

But I am more aware today than I was yesterday lets say, of every moment that passes me by. I notice the sun move its position bringing with it the dark. I see Helios screaming across the sky running from the coming cold, and Selene his sister, bringing the winter Moon and all it's beauty. I sit stationary more often than ever before. This isn't a bad thing, it just is the way it is.

I find I know less than I did 10 years ago and somehow wisdom in other ways has been imprinted on my soul. I still seek my path. My god, I still seek it at 39. I hope to find it soon.

But to those I've touched who image or name is stamped on my heart and filed away in my library of light.... know you are thought of. And even if I don't know you, know I love you and wish you well.

To those I've not touched in a long time, know too, you are thought of in many ways. And I wish for love, light, happiness to find its way to you even if you don't know it's me that's sent it.

So tonight, I retire, chilled from the winters breath on every breeze. I meditate for peace, and maybe clarity. And I spend my time doing the one thing I know I need to do; shake the rust off the creative wheels and write with my heart. Write not for anyone, but for my heart to finally be free of its bondage. Write for no awards, but the accolades my spirit feels when I dance with paper and pen (or computer and bits and bytes). And release my songbird on paper, from my heart, into the night sky with her wish to be carried gently to the moon.

Be well all.

LadyMuse

PS. Candles are being lit again, check them out (link at the left). Maybe you'll feel the inspiration to light one too.

I Speak

I sit in darkness

Lights move slowly, reaching their destination

Wind speaks to my skin

Eliciting prickled flesh

My ears covered listen intently

Muscle thrums with the music

Shivers begin, creativity flows

the sound washes my mind free of worry

My heart beats picking up the melody

Legs carry me to the wooden portal

Fingers stretch and flex

While slow luxurious words drape my screen

This is my word

My essence

My energy transported through music

To the cold screen

It bears no message

Carries no weight

But still, I speak

©SKW 9-28-10

The things you are to me

Sometimes life sneaks up on us and whisks us away to the hurried demands of the day. And sometimes if we're lucky enough to catch a moment as if it were a falling star. Sometimes we can hold onto it and cherish it. We can "see" and "feel" the moment as it moves through our hearts. These moments suspend time in a near fantastical vision. These are moments when our heart sing, and are minds are at ease. They don't come often, but when they do, they can be cherished.

It's been a long time since I've had such a moment. I've been so busy with what I needed to do. So busy tending to someone, or something; that i had forgotten what it was like to sit pampered for a space of hours doing nothing but being a creature of love, a glowing light in the world of dark.

I am glowing today. I have had the pleasure of being around the nicest person. He transported me to a place of peace and relaxation and this post is for him. Because these moments don't come often; when they do, clutch them tight to your heart. And when they are done file them away in your garden of dreams. Water them and watch the memories grow becoming an eternity instead of the singular moment plucked from the falling stars.

Thank you R. For many things, but especially for slowing the incessant demands of time today with me and just "being" beautiful.

The Things You Are To Me

If I held in my hand,
Every grain of sand
Since time first began to me
Still I could never count,
Measure the amount;
Of all the things you are to me

If I paint the sky,
Hang it up to dry
I would want the sky to be
Oh, such a grand design
An everlasting sign
Of all the things you are to me

Chorus:
You are the sun that comes on summer winds
You are the falling year that autumn brings
You are the wonder and the mystery
In everything I see… the things you are to me

Sometimes I wake at night
And suddenly takes fright
You're my vaguest fantasy
But then you reach for me
And once again I see
All the things you are to me

The unfolding of the flowers....

It is amazing to me how many ways we can be unfolded just like a new flower. At night when the world is dark and the air is cold, we close up... So too can we during the day in a cold environment. But in one act of kindness, or love or generosity we unfold one petal at a time eventually with enough love and the right environment revealing our most beautiful attributes, our core...our heart.

This love comes to us in many strange ways. Perhaps it was a beautiful day, the landscape of which took your breath away. Or perhaps a smile from a stranger, that reached all the way up to the strangers eyes lighting them up as their heart recognized yours and said hello. But it is in the measure of a hug, that precise blanket of warm space shared with another that our hearts really talk to one another.

A good hug can carefully unwrap each petal previously wrapped so tight in the cold. It can reveal our naked hearts, and raw emotions. It can instantly bring forth tears that we didn't know we had waiting to be shared. And if tended to those tears cathartic though they are can turn to tears of joy.

I had just such a hug yesterday. I tried to fight the tears that came forth (as is my nature), but they wouldn't be deterred and what was revealed left the giver of the hug shaking it was so profound. This connection doesn't just spring from a long term relationship, nor just from a friend, it can be found in the most unusual ways. If we see it, recognize it for what it is we can have a moment or several of them even, and walk away from that simple hug with enough love in our hearts to make us glow with joy.

I am grateful for that hug. For that moment, when my love and my joy was restored. Thank you J.

Here's to many hugs for you, and for me and for the resulting joy that can color a world in beautiful gardens of flowers opened; reaching for the sun even during the storm...

LadyMuse

39 years of life

Tomorrow is my birthday. There will be no fanfare, no special hugs from friends. There will be no cake, no dinner out. There will be no intimate time with someone, and no wine drunk. My birthdays are like this. They have been since I was old enough to not have parties thrown for me by my mother. Every once in a while one birthday stands out as a time of joy and love because the well wishes from people near and far catch me off guard and give me the warmth I used to experience when celebrating a year of life as a child.

This year, I am one year away from 40. The thing that catches me the most about that is that I survived 39 years. I’ve been through cancer & emotional turmoil. I’ve made some deep friendships that have stood the test of time and many “issues”. I’ve lived, cried, been hurt, been loved. I’ve truly lived.

I’ve made some bad choices in my life, and my skeletons hang out in my closet waiting to rejoice in their hopeful freedom. But what I truly try to do on this very special day, is to look with no regrets or fear on my past. To see this life, with clearer eyes than I do in my normal “go mode”. To see that in many people’s lives I’ve made a difference. A single touch, a word, a hug, has made someone feel warmer, has given another peace, has provided strength for some to walk through very dark valleys and be at peace in their darkest hours.

I am proud of those moments. Proud of the times when my heart opened up and shone like a beacon, a lighthouse to those lost souls, to the wayward spirit who just needed to know we “see” them. I’m proud of them because in this world where so many are blinded by prejudice, preconceived notions, stereotypical ideals, I have laid my soul bare. It is no small feat to be the vibrant spirit we are and offer all we are in the service to another’s heart. It is one thing that I do well.

This year, as every year, I will try to do many things that make me continue forward on my journey. I will try harder to do them with honor. I will love more and work harder to remove the barriers in my heart placed by so many experiences of pain. I will meditate more and incorporate the spiritual side of myself into my daily life. But most importantly I will remain true to who I am. I will remember the moments of pride when I could look at a stranger and see the light go on in their eyes just from a few words. I will actively heal with my hands and energy, those who want it, as well as myself. I will be kinder to my body and more loving to myself with my heart. I will hopefully impart this brightness onto another who may share this life with me. I will continue to walk the road that most people don’t understand because they live in fear. I will walk it and smile.

And should I falter, I will allow myself the tears, and keep going.

I never thought I’d make it this far, having thought I’d always die young. And I’ve had some special incidents along the way that show me that truly my life, my being here is a gift indeed from divinity. I will not spit in the face of that gift. I will instead of counting the days to the next joy, remember that joy is in each breath I take simply because I can breathe….

Love, light and peace to all who read here and many blessings on this the day of my birth for light to warm your heart and carry you through any dark. For those special few, I am always in your heart. Thank you for being in mine as well.

And even as I type this, I send blessings to you all while meditating in my temple in Second Life. May they fly to you and unburden you….

Carpe Diem!

LadyMuse