Tomorrow is my birthday. There will be no fanfare, no special hugs from friends. There will be no cake, no dinner out. There will be no intimate time with someone, and no wine drunk. My birthdays are like this. They have been since I was old enough to not have parties thrown for me by my mother. Every once in a while one birthday stands out as a time of joy and love because the well wishes from people near and far catch me off guard and give me the warmth I used to experience when celebrating a year of life as a child.
This year, I am one year away from 40. The thing that catches me the most about that is that I survived 39 years. I’ve been through cancer & emotional turmoil. I’ve made some deep friendships that have stood the test of time and many “issues”. I’ve lived, cried, been hurt, been loved. I’ve truly lived.
I’ve made some bad choices in my life, and my skeletons hang out in my closet waiting to rejoice in their hopeful freedom. But what I truly try to do on this very special day, is to look with no regrets or fear on my past. To see this life, with clearer eyes than I do in my normal “go mode”. To see that in many people’s lives I’ve made a difference. A single touch, a word, a hug, has made someone feel warmer, has given another peace, has provided strength for some to walk through very dark valleys and be at peace in their darkest hours.
I am proud of those moments. Proud of the times when my heart opened up and shone like a beacon, a lighthouse to those lost souls, to the wayward spirit who just needed to know we “see” them. I’m proud of them because in this world where so many are blinded by prejudice, preconceived notions, stereotypical ideals, I have laid my soul bare. It is no small feat to be the vibrant spirit we are and offer all we are in the service to another’s heart. It is one thing that I do well.
This year, as every year, I will try to do many things that make me continue forward on my journey. I will try harder to do them with honor. I will love more and work harder to remove the barriers in my heart placed by so many experiences of pain. I will meditate more and incorporate the spiritual side of myself into my daily life. But most importantly I will remain true to who I am. I will remember the moments of pride when I could look at a stranger and see the light go on in their eyes just from a few words. I will actively heal with my hands and energy, those who want it, as well as myself. I will be kinder to my body and more loving to myself with my heart. I will hopefully impart this brightness onto another who may share this life with me. I will continue to walk the road that most people don’t understand because they live in fear. I will walk it and smile.
And should I falter, I will allow myself the tears, and keep going.
I never thought I’d make it this far, having thought I’d always die young. And I’ve had some special incidents along the way that show me that truly my life, my being here is a gift indeed from divinity. I will not spit in the face of that gift. I will instead of counting the days to the next joy, remember that joy is in each breath I take simply because I can breathe….
Love, light and peace to all who read here and many blessings on this the day of my birth for light to warm your heart and carry you through any dark. For those special few, I am always in your heart. Thank you for being in mine as well.
And even as I type this, I send blessings to you all while meditating in my temple in Second Life. May they fly to you and unburden you….
Carpe Diem!
LadyMuse
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