My days move up and down like the slow rolling hills seem to do. One moment you see everything ahead of you, the clear path, and the next you're in the valley with walls around you and shadows dancing with your thoughts.
I wake and try to be grateful for the day. I listen to music with my heart and try each moment to open it just a little wider. My scars on my heart shine more than my light it seems these days. But there are moments still. It seems to take a little more warm candlelight than I remember, but … there are moments.
I cling to those moments when I sit alone like tonight, thinking of what to do. Seeing the various faces of those around me now completely different than the faces that once were, even recently. I get contemplative a lot it seems. The words, emotions, thoughts don't see m to carry the darkness they once did back in 2004. I was so full of hurt back then.
I hurt now too. But thankfully, I'm a bit wiser too (I think)
I know when to look at my own doings and recognize the part I may have played in some of these hurts. I know too when to not shoulder any of the blame. And I'm not afraid to say I've done no wrong. Nor am I afraid to say “I'm sorry”.
For a long time I forgot who I was. I forgot what my core is. Along the way friends have dropped like travelers off to distant worlds, only they have not come back. For those I shoulder regret. It was my distance that allowed them the permission to feel the need to move on. But when I look on those regrets they hurt, however they don't maim like they used to.
Maybe there is something to this growing up thing after all
But I am more aware today than I was yesterday lets say, of every moment that passes me by. I notice the sun move its position bringing with it the dark. I see Helios screaming across the sky running from the coming cold, and Selene his sister, bringing the winter Moon and all it's beauty. I sit stationary more often than ever before. This isn't a bad thing, it just is the way it is.
I find I know less than I did 10 years ago and somehow wisdom in other ways has been imprinted on my soul. I still seek my path. My god, I still seek it at 39. I hope to find it soon.
But to those I've touched who image or name is stamped on my heart and filed away in my library of light.... know you are thought of. And even if I don't know you, know I love you and wish you well.
To those I've not touched in a long time, know too, you are thought of in many ways. And I wish for love, light, happiness to find its way to you even if you don't know it's me that's sent it.
So tonight, I retire, chilled from the winters breath on every breeze. I meditate for peace, and maybe clarity. And I spend my time doing the one thing I know I need to do; shake the rust off the creative wheels and write with my heart. Write not for anyone, but for my heart to finally be free of its bondage. Write for no awards, but the accolades my spirit feels when I dance with paper and pen (or computer and bits and bytes). And release my songbird on paper, from my heart, into the night sky with her wish to be carried gently to the moon.
Be well all.
LadyMuse
PS. Candles are being lit again, check them out (link at the left). Maybe you'll feel the inspiration to light one too.
I Speak
I sit in darkness
Lights move slowly, reaching their destination
Wind speaks to my skin
Eliciting prickled flesh
My ears covered listen intently
Muscle thrums with the music
Shivers begin, creativity flows
the sound washes my mind free of worry
My heart beats picking up the melody
Legs carry me to the wooden portal
Fingers stretch and flex
While slow luxurious words drape my screen
This is my word
My essence
My energy transported through music
To the cold screen
It bears no message
Carries no weight
But still, I speak
©SKW 9-28-10
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