Ladies and Gents the muse has LEFT the building

My muse is gone.  She’s been gone for a while.  It’s a very strange feeling to not have her presence.  Someone described it to me as “hollow”, today I know what they mean.  

Previously words came to me naturally.  I’m not saying they were put together well :P but they did come naturally.  Ideas, visions, dreams came naturally.  Creative juices were flowing and I was immersed in the idea of sharing openly with people because I had an overabundance of it to give! Whatever “It” truly is…  See I think that “it” was the idea that we are all special, we are all loved, and we are all ok.  That’s the message I carried for the longest time.  I waved it around like a triumphant banner for all who needed to see it.  I openly took people in and accepted them for what they were.  

It was a great idea… in theory.

However, when my muse left me all too soon, my overabundant well of love, acceptance and optimism died off.  

The problem isn’t that she left me.  It’s not even that people stopped caring (save for the handful I can count on to at least wonder if I’m still alive now and again.)  It’s that she hasn’t returned for more than a split second at a time.

Life for me right now is a bleak void of nothing-ness. I go to work, I come home, I play games, I sleep, I eat.  I don’t “Feel” excitement except once in a blue moon like last Friday.  Inspiration even if it does come doesn’t stay around long enough to let me write it out.  I feel hollow when I’m aware that she is gone… when I stop running through my void of life and take inventory.  That’s when I notice she’s gone and that’s when I try to wish for her back.  Because at least if I can write, even if they’re crappy, horrible, would never show them to anyone else writings… then I can at least feel and express.  But not when she’s gone.

The problem again, isn’t that my muse left me, but that she hasn’t come back.  I’m afraid that she may not come back and if that’s the case then I’m afraid I will be stuck in this rut of nothingness.  And even on my worst days, I am sane enough to realize that’s not a place where I wish to remain.

This is as real as it gets for me.

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WELL WISHES

Everyday I try to make sure I think of others and share some love, happiness, joy etc.  Why?  Because I believe only in sharing can we be more than what we are.  It may seem like empty words to some that I wish “everyone” this that or the other thing.  But it is an intention straight from my heart. And believe me sometimes it’s hard to come by, but there is always that little spark of light in the deepest corner of my heart (thankfully) that just wont go away ;)  It’s this spark, no matter how bleak I may feel,  that I share with you; even if it’s all that I have.  

So today I wish for your “spark” to be bright.  That it would give you enough of whatever it is you need today.  May the spark of love, inspiration, happiness, be enough to guide you.  This is my wish for you today *smile*

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AND REMEMBER:

Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, and above.
~Gia Carangi