15 minutes with me... the good, the bad, and the stark truth (confession too)

“Oh, you’re such a wimp”

The ups and downs of a 15 minute session with me… (In other words: What I’m doing right now)

I sit here today knowing that I’ve written three or more posts, and deleted them all instead of posting them feeling that they lacked any interest whatsoever.

I sit here deciding finally to post and hope it’s well received.

I sit here waiting for the next phase of my life because it seems I’m stuck in a rut in some ways.

I sit here grateful for so many things

I sit here suffering from menopause and that makes me depressed over so many other things

I sit here about to announce my biggest dark secret and here it goes… I sit here suffering from withdrawal from nicotine from a bad habit I picked up *after* I had cancer and thanks to someone who introduced that and the goodness of food back into my life, helping me to gain all the weight I lost after the surgery right back again; someone who really really hurt me (yes immediately after my surgery when I was the weakest).

I sit here worried about the 5th various medical test (anything from: high white blood cell count, swollen lymph nodes, chest pains) I’m about to take in as little as two weeks, and hoping that *if* they find something wrong I can wait until after this weekend to have anything done.

I sit here knowing how stupid this post sounds but not able to stop typing it

I sit here hoping that I find some money soon, or a better job, or a means to escape some financial hardship

I sit here with secret thoughts that I will share with only one person

I sit here afraid

I sit here happy in so many ways, soothed even, while I listen to music on my iPod.

I sit here typing and all this sadness is coming out of me

I am so sad for so many people who are going through things, heartache, physical ache, loss of family/friends

I sit here contemplating the words verbal abuse as they relate to the workforce

I sit here having ignored a request from my boss to come see someone’s baby’s photos because I could care less about their circle of friends or their kids and I’m certainly not going to waste time going to see a picture of any of them

I wonder if what I just said was mean… Then I think about the above opening statement provided to me by my superior yesterday and tell myself it’s not mean at all.

I sit here HATING the fact that I sit right next to the damn toilet in the office here and NO one seems to care that this might be a bad thing?

I sit here reading the blog “Post Secret” Because I love to know people confess things, and I regularly look for my two initial posted confessions (which I haven’t seen yet).

And finally, at the 15th minute of my 15 minutes of fame in my blog right now, I sit here ready to fall asleep from exhaustion as it seems no matter how long I sleep I never get enough, or maybe not good quality or whatever, and hope that I can change things in my life, because if I don’t… I do not know what will happen.

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This was the easiest way to write my post today. Sorry if it’s less than stellar for the first post I’ve made in a few days. But there is a struggle going on, and while there are good things too (there always are) the struggle is enough to again silence me. I refuse to be silent anymore.

Muse