Psychology with Dr. muse

I accept Life & Health;
I receive this gift

(My mantra yesterday just before another doctor's visit)
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I feel like a broken record. It seems that for the past year at least, my life has been a series of doctor’s visits and Chaotic emergencies; peppered with a roller coaster ride of newly discovered emotions, memory loss, and uncertainty. I wonder sometimes how this all came about. What happened that started this? Or maybe even, what happened in another life that I’m paying for now. Cosmically, Karma dictates that something was done. Logically reality dictates that I’ve just been unhealthy recently. Psychologically the mind dictates that maybe things are just getting out of hand and I’ve reached my limit with what I can take.

If these tests come back with anything wrong, I will of course do what I need to do and figure out something later on to help with the financial issues. If they come back with something easily treatable, then the things I go through that cause me great pain need to be alleviated by stress relief. If they come back with nothing wrong, then I need some help to examine my life and make changes DRASTICALLY, accordingly.

I see changes in either event on three major horizons.

1. Job – Finding something to do that fulfills me in some manner. I can no longer do just “any” job. But my emotional and psychological well being needs to be “fed” and helping others in SOME capacity is the way to go. I just have to sit down, iron out what I want and find it. Not an easy process but one that is part of life’s journey and must be made.

2. Diet – I need to unlock the door to my physical well being. This means working out whatever little psychological demon is causing me to fall prey to my depression and eat when I should be doing other things (meditating, working out). This is becoming a problem as my health seemingly declines. I know, for a fact, that if this doesn’t change, I will not be around to talk about these things for as many years as I’d like to be.

3. Spirituality – I need to dedicate myself to a path. Any path. Even if it’s just meditation every morning that’s something. I need to center myself and raise my vibrational energy to a higher level so peace can be attained. In filling myself with this spirituality of whatever I feel resonates with my soul, then I can give that to others… not before.

My problem is always and has always been motivation, consistency, and dedication. Finding time between gaming, relationships, and a stressful job is difficult. Finding the balance between them all has been nearly impossible. I believe I can do all three things listed above and enjoy them immensely. But my priorities need to change.

I have to come first. That is perhaps the hardest lesson for someone like me to learn.

It’s not conceit that drives that statement. It’s recognition that without filling myself up first, that I can’t give to others because I have nothing to give. Giving without having filled yourself up first is a self destructive behavior. Psychologically it leads to the “martyr” syndrome, and subsequently to guilt when perceived obligations are not achieved. Emotionally it leads to unhealthy attachments; attachments to actions and goals that may seem admirable, but really do nothing for anyone. Spiritually, it’s a temporary way to fill the void that only *I* can fill by my own caring for myself; and that also is a bad pattern to begin.

I look back on my twenties and I can really see how I felt I was invincible, how I had so much time, how nothing was too urgent (at least nothing of spiritual, emotional, or physical importance). I can truly see now the division between 20’s and now. While I do not feel that I’m on a ticking clock, I realize now that each second we waste not taking care of ourselves and then helping others is time wasted on nothing. Money is not important except for basic survival, & fulfillment in career (for me) is not important unless it fulfills me inside, and allows me to help others. I want to do better for myself.

I keep talking about that, but don’t really see too much change in that direction. Sure a spurt here or there, but no real consistency. Sometimes it takes time and repetition for new behaviors/habits to sink in. Let’s see if this new wave of health issues, stress and financial pains helps keep me focused. It’s a lesson I’ve seen repeated too many times in my life to be continually ignored.

Be well,
Muse

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WELL WISHES

Today I wish you well. I wish you peace. I wish you fulfillment and all things bright and beautiful. You deserve it.

You are a blessing to me everyday

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AND REMEMBER

“Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.”

~Natalie Goldberg