Monday, November 29, 2010

Gratitude Monday 11-29-10

I haven't posted in a bit, but I thought today would be a good time seeing as Thanksgiving has just past us, to be grateful without disclaimer or "if, ands, or buts" for the things I have.

* I am grateful today for the long weekend of rest I just had.
* I am grateful for the time spent with my mother, which I've begun finally in my adult years to appreciate as precious.
* I am grateful for all the food I was able to eat this past weekend.
* I am grateful for the bonus that allowed me to be propelled forward into a form of debt free living (almost there!)
* I am grateful for the company of friends (online and offline) and the reconnecting with old friends.
* I am grateful for my anger for it shows I still love deeply and am not so much in a rut that I do not feel fear.
* I am grateful for the ability to control, or at least have the tools to help anger and fear subside.
* I am grateful for lovely voices late in the night.
* I am grateful for beauty in service and that I can partake of those things.
* I am grateful that I have a job and make decent money.

I could go on forever, the list this past weekend is particularly long. I was out more than I was in, a pleasant surprise and one I actually enjoyed. It had been long enough since I went anywhere or did anything with folks that I was sure I had turned into a hermit and would find it disagreeable. I appreciated the things I did, even if they weren't spectacular. (I saw a play this weekend. The company i was with was extremely enjoyable, the brunch food was spectacular, but the play was so so.)

I'm tired today. Returning from work after 4 or 5 days off is always difficult. But I dont mind being here.

Not much else to comment on (publicly anyway :) . But I really wanted to make sure I expressed my gratitude and gave thanks for where I am in life. While it's not perfect; it's better than it could be & better than it used to be, which means it's wonderful.

Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don't unravel. ~Author Unknown

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sleep...for K

When you give yourself, you receive more than you give.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery


Someone said to me tonight in relation to what makes them smile and desire to be around me, to talk to me: "You're just you, and so open and that is such a rare thing". My response was simply, I dont know any other way to be...

Too often we hide ourselves. In the online world we immerse ourselves in the richness of the pixels. Sometimes we forget who we are. Or that the other person is just that, a person not a computer.

Tonight in a conversation I was reminded of this humanity we all have not just by the compliment but by the sharing in conversation, effortless and fluid. I love to have conversations where once you strip away the mask of the outward selves, we begin to see who we really are and if we look just so... we can even see another's heart.

This video is for K. While it's after sleep has claimed you, it is what i was compelled to write. I am grateful for the conversation tonight. It was pure joy... so hopefully tomorrow night or maybe the next when you go to sleep you might have seen this post, and heard this song and sleep peacefully knowing someone in the world is grateful for the precious time spent enjoying the joy of who you are.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Gratitude Monday

Normally on Mondays, I wake with a somber attitude. It doesn't help that winter is fast approaching and as I exit the warm blankets, I realize just how brutal the seasons can be as the cold snakes its way up my feet to my spine.

But something was different today. Not only did I close my eyes after the alarm went off (always a dangerous thing!) and wake up 30 minutes late. But even then, I wasn't panicked. I simply got up, charted out my morning going about the routine things I need to do with no speed per se, but no hurried fear either.

I slept on the train a slight bit listening to some Loreena McKennit and took the bus to arrive here at my work. It was when I got to my desk and saw the card from an unknown person (I can't read the handwriting for the signature) congratulating me on my hard work, that i realized I was awake!

I re-read the card trying to decipher the signature and I as read it again I realized someone here, someone at this company recognized my hard work enough to put it in a card! It was so sweet and so touching.

I am grateful for this card. And when I discover who left me this gift of joy on this cold Monday morning, I will smile deeply and send them blessings for joy in return today. It is such a blessing to be noticed and have people step out of their hurried day to take a moment and think of you.

I am honored.

Thank you unknown person, because aside from the calm and peaceful day you've given me that spark of joy to start me off. What a gift!


“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.”
~Richard Moss

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Pretty Girl

What a beautiful day. 10 pounds away from my first major goal, a full month before I'm to have hit it. Beautiful music, crisp fall air...

And a lovely video.

Celebrate your beauty!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Gratitude

Sometimes life can seem so heavy. So oppressive. For me, when I get stressed, nothing else can happen. I have to work hard at removing that which blocks joy. Sometimes, it's just too hard and I go days with stress and angst manifesting itself in abrupt conversations, tears, and loss of sleep. But always there is a turnaround, even if the thing that caused so much stress isn't resolved (as is the case now). So today, I have enough space in my world to be grateful. And once you let gratitude in, you can no longer be a slave to fear and oppression. There are things we can be grateful for everyday. They may be small, but they are still gratitude. It is hard to see them when you're mired down in issues, but even then; they are still there... We just have to "See" them. SO today, in my Book of Light I've documented some things I'm grateful for. And here, I thought I'd share with you my gratitude. so somewhere in the digital world intentions sent from my heart can still be visible to more than just my soul.

May they bring you joy, or light if you need it.

I'm grateful for "Jevy"
I'm grateful for less stress today
I'm grateful for the people who make me remember that I'm special and respected
I'm grateful for the lesson in awareness
I'm grateful for the weight I've lost
I'm grateful for my angels
I'm grateful to be alive



Beauty is not in the face;beauty is a light in the heart.
Khalil Gibran, (1883 - 1931)

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

She finally got to be on her beach



I finally got the nerve today to visit the American Cancer Society's place in Second Life. I had several times wanted to visit, but was too afraid. In visiting I stumbled upon the Memorial Gardens.

I was scared to be there, I had a horrible day at work; my emotions were already threatening to overwhelm me. But there, two people stood. I spoke to them briefly and discovered that one of them was the creator of the lovely place and a cancer survivor as well.

For so long I had thought that somehow maybe because I wasn't near death with my cancer, or invaded by chemotherapy for years that somehow my cancer wasn't as severe. No matter how it affects you Cancer of any kind is severe. It is brutal, non discriminatory, and painful mentally, physically and emotionally to so many.

In talking with this person, I had asked timidly what I needed to do to add a memorial for someone. He was so kind, he let me add one that very moment for her. When he asked me where I would want to place it, without a moments hesitation I said "Somewhere on the beach?"

He immediately put a picture I hastily gave him nestled between some palm trees facing the bluest ocean. The tears began to flow freely as I stood there and just stared at this lovely tribute to the woman who changed my life so much. I began to feel all the old fears of my cancer, the sadness at losing her just two years before mine. I began to feel the sadness from the days events, the stress from work and a torrent of tears broke through my walls.

But somewhere among the deluge of depression, sadness, and pangs of longing, was one emotion that is always there somehow, God only knows how...

Love.

I loved this woman I never met. I loved the doctors who before my surgery hadn't laid eyes on me before but took care of me. I loved this woman's fiancee that I had never met. I loved both of their families for providing me one of the highest points of my life as they thanked me for doing a radio show devoted to her... these people who didn't even know what Yahoo instant messenger was, learned that night how to type "Thank you for loving our daughter" as I did a broadcast in her honor when she was in a coma they weren't sure she'd come out of (she did). I loved all those who supported me through my cancer including this woman's fiancee who was still wounded from the loss of his love, but able enough to reach out and help me.

Even as I write this, the tears are still flowing, as I sit here by her memorial I can't stop them. But as all the sadness of the day, fears and stresses begin to depart I feel her there beside me in my heart. And strangely as I cry, I am comforted. I am sad and filled with the longing of her words. But I am comforted. And I know soon the tears will stop and tomorrow will be a better day for having had them.

So I look to tomorrow, and send out love to the many survivors, and loved ones who have fought bravely but not survived. I send love out because I am hurting and because I know only that will make me feel better. I send love out because it's who I am and in doing so, I feel her nearby. The woman who's sanctuary was a beach and finally in the virtual world has found a home again near me.

In warm memories and with much love I remember you.
Jessie Smith 1976-2004

And thank you to those two in Second Life, who gave me the most insightful words of the evening.

H.M.: some of us have to go to remind those left behind how precious we all are
H.M: if you do nothing more than that than your life is an accomplishment

Profound words my friend, indeed.

Angels with one wing...

I was going to write a week ago about how little I trust people anymore. How friends are not what you think they are anymore. How surprising it is now in this world of immediate gratification that even friends do not stand up to the test of time.

I was going to write how dismayed I am at the inability of people to commit to something and see things from another's perspective. To be willing and able to understand by wearing someone else's shoes what they go through. To look from a higher level and see that situations sometimes are beyond our control, and all we can do is handle them as honorably, as we can and try to appreciate them for that.

I was going to further write about how I feel like I am a dying breed sometimes. How when I commit to fight for something, I continue to fight for it. How I'm not perfect, but am completely flawed in so many ways but my heart is in the right place.

Lastly I was going to write how one hurt after another beginning in August has been lavished on me. How much I felt like there was no one left I could count on. That all my efforts at many things had been in vain and worse a regrettable waste of time.

These are all true statements. They are all true sentiments. But they are flawed.

They take a specific incident (or multiple incidents) and target everyone for for a few people's careless actions or thoughtless words.

I find that usually in what I perceive to be my darkest hour, when one thing after another continues to be piled on; that inevitably someone steps in and shines through the dark. A whispered word can sometimes be enough, a hand to hold, a song link sent to me by someone who doesn't even know what I'm going through. How that one thing alone can be strong enough to lift the seemingly impenetrable burden of dark.

This post is in thanks to all those people who may not even know that by their well timed words have brought me a smile or peace. It is a reflection of what I see happening in the dynamics of relationships, that things still happen and sadly worse than ever before in this immediate age; but there are still some of us out there. Some of us who love, who try hard, who fail but get up and try again; and we support each other even in our own dark times. And even though we seem to be few and far between sometimes, the fact that we ARE there can make all the difference in the world.

Thank you for you.

Muse

We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another. ~Luciano de Crescenzo

This is 47

In my acquired wisdom I've accepted: 1. That it's OK to admit I like girly things 2. That it's OK I didn't post this ON...