Anger & Zen

"It is not easy to find a being who has not been your mother, your father, your brother, sister, son or daughter." Hence with regard to the person whom we have now taken for our enemy, we should think: "This one now, in the past has been my mother who bore me in her womb for nine months, gave birth to me, unweariedly cleansed me of impurities, hid me in her bosom, carried me on her hip and nourished me. This one was my father in another life and spent time and energy, engaged in toilsome business, with a view to maintaining me, even sacrificing life for my sake," and so on. When we ponder over these facts, it should be expected that our arisen anger against our enemy will subside.

~Buddha

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We all have the tendency or most of us do I should say, to lash out when hurt. If anyone knows this, it’s me. Ever since I was a little child I can remember lashing out when hurt. My childhood wasn’t that good, and mostly what I remember of it is all the hurt. I remember incidences where I lashed out and was able to quench the fire of anger in me at the time, but felt regret over harsh words or actions later on.

Why share this?

Because I promised honesty in my blog, honesty no matter how personal.

Who we are as humans is directly linked to what we endeavor to be in life. Not just stature or position in class, but what we try to overcome, and how we grow. This is what I think defines us as more than just barbaric animals. We have the ability to become greater than we are.

I’ve always had a problem with anger. Boy do I have a temper. It’s not a violent temper but it is a hot fire of anger that if properly ignited can burn for quite some time. This anger is caused by the mistreatment of others, or the hurting of me. I can tolerate quite a bit of hurt, but where my heart is concerned I have a very short fuse.

I continue to try to be better. I continue to read things that give some people peace and hope that by learning this, and internalizing it as well as utilizing it (when possible) that I can overcome my anger and be more “Vulcan” if you will :P

To those that simply hear my anger or are the recipient of my words because of someone ELSE’S hurting me, I apologize for giving that to you. To those that hurt me and because of that are the recipients of my words in anger, I apologize as well to them, but I ask that you look at why this anger is apparent. It’s because you’re hurting me in some way.

Until I am stronger in overcoming my anger, stronger in doing what *I* need to do in life, more able to pick myself up (hopefully sooner rather than later) and move on, I am stuck in a emotional place that I do not enjoy. Quite often I’m sad, (more often than not anymore), I’m always lonely, and even if I’m smiling I’m quietly nursing some darkness. My friends know this will pass, for the have hope more than I do at times ;)

For now though, I ask of folks a little more insight and awareness into what makes me… me at this point in my life. For those of you in my real life this will help explain a lot, for those of you online who are getting as close to me as my real life friends are, this will explain even more to you. For those who do not know me but are reading this blog this will simply give you the inside scoop on another human being going through life, as we all go through it; just with a more personal twist.

The only thing I ever ask is that you have the understanding that even if you do not agree, you at least respect where I’m coming from and support even in words (i.e. this blog and your comments) the journey that we make and how different it is for each of us.

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On a side note, at 3 pm CST yesterday I received a call from my mother who apologized for her words to me and admitted that the only reason she said them was because she was feeling guilty.

I feel good about this small victory in communication with my mother, but I feel bad too because of the anger I held through it, when I should have reasoned with logic instead.

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WELL WISHES

Today I wish you all a day of enlightenment of any kind. Whether you struggle with anger, love, loss, fear, or have no struggle at all, I wish for enlightenment to find you and grace you with its presence.

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AND REMEMBER:

Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart.

~Myla Kabat-Zinn