Mushu

I had difficulty thinking of what to post today. I was tired this morning, still a little sick, and still can’t hear out of my left ear so I wasn’t even sure I *was* posting. Then I got my tax refund and while driving to work paying out bills and such I got excited because in two months I’ll have financial freedom (approximately).

I’ve decided that I’m going to be signing for one more year at my current place. Even if I *did* have somewhere to go I have no money to move and the neighbors aren’t making too much noise. So I’ll stay for one more year. That means in August (barring any major problems) I”ll have money each check for savings. No more living check to check. I’ll also even have money to go out each check. I’ll be working on cleaning up my credit report at that point now that those bills that would be late (i.e. medical bills) would be gone. So starting August I’ll be debt free and a year from August I’ll have a good amount in savings, and a really nice credit report.

I should be happy right? I was… until I called my mother and she dropped a bomb on me.

I do not want to blame her. My mother is a wonderful woman. She has been my sole support when things were really bad for me. She has truly taken care of me and taken care of my dog Mushu when I couldn’t keep her because the *only* place I found to live when I *had* to move from the divorce was a place that doesn’t allow dogs.

Mushu is the cutest beagle/basset hound mix dog you’ll ever see. She was born on my birthday though she is quite younger than me being born in 1998 :P. From the start she was trained well in all areas except a few. It didn't matter though, she was my puppy. The first dog *I* ever bought instead of mom buying and bringing home.

When I moved I had to say goodbye to her and my mother took her in so I could see her. Mushu however has always had a problem with her bathroom habits and in her later years it’s gotten worse as the medicines she’s on (she’s on quite a few now for skin allergies etc) make her unable to control it anymore. So today my mother tells me because of the bathroom issues, she can't deal with it anymore and I have to find a no kill shelter for mushu.

And in a split second all the happiness I felt is gone.

I don’t want my dog to go to a shelter...but I have no choice. I know this. I know I can't be unfair to my mother who has for two years now kept my dog for me instead of forcing me to give her up back in 2004. I also know I can’t take her in my current apartment. Not only would I not be able to afford her health issues and bathroom messes, but my apartment complex doesn’t allow it… They won’t even allow her to visit. Additionally I know I can’t move somewhere that takes dogs, even if I *COULD* afford her because I have no money to move though if I could I would do it in a second…

The temptation to be angry right now at many things is great. I could be angry at my mother for not being able to handle it anymore. I could be angry at my failed marriage having such a profound effect on me, that now includes having such a negative impact on a poor defenseless dog as well. I could be angry that my life isn't better right now so that I *could* take her back. But none of that anger even displaced and in some cases, wrong, is going to help Mushu any :(

The thought of putting Mushu in a shelter is just killing me right now. I’m an avid dog lover and I LOVE my dog even more than most other dogs. I can’t expect my mother to keep her if she can’t, but I just feel… so sad right now. This release of news was about as gentle as a ton of bricks crashing down on me.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so sad; It IS just a dog after all right??

But she's MY mushu. She's loved me unconditionally for many years, she's licked my nose when I cried offering her love and she's kept me warm at night when my bed was cold as the first pangs of lonliness began. I love her...and today now, I am sad.