Wednesday...

Why is it that we do not watch what we say to each other?  

If you’ve read my previous post, you know that I’m in a situation where I either have to put my dog in a shelter or find another means of taking her back from my mother.

Some developments in this are there is an apartment close to mine that does take dogs.  The rent is comparable (slightly higher, including pet rent).  They have a large 1 bedroom (I believe that’s a 1 bedroom with a den) that has a washer/dryer in the unit, and if I move in by May 12th (Yes, MAY 12th, 9 days away) they’ll give me $500 off June rent making my rent for June $319.  In order to make this happen I’ll need to find money for movers…  Even though the move is less than 2 miles it still requires movers because of my furniture.  Plus I’ll need a security deposit, and the pet deposit.  Someone has offered to give me the pet deposit.  That’s just to move there…

In doing research, 42% of people who responded on apartmentratings.com said they would NOT move back there.  They’ve mentioned the noise, stated that the management sucks, and the maintenance folks don’t answer maintenance calls.  Additionally one of the people who rated it rated it badly because of some “Unsavory” characters.  When I first was looking for a place in 2004, I knew a waiter who lived there for about a year.  When I asked him about the place he said sure it’s a great place if you don’t mind going without maintenance, and the volleyball field they have? Is a lake…  I didn’t consider them after that, and yet… I’m considering them now.

I don’t know what to do about this.  Making a move like this would put me in debt (I’d have to pay rent in TWO places for June, plus the moving costs, move IN costs, and transferring of address stuff that would need to be done.) It would put me in a new situation with unknown variables (at least I know where I live now while not the best, isn’t the worst either and I KNOW my neighbors), and it would cause me ongoing financial hardship as I would have Mushu and her medical ailments.  

But I’m seriously considering doing this.  I love this dog… Truly I do, but I have to decide if this is what I want to do.

Now to the opening line of my post.  I rely heavily on one person almost entirely above all else for information.  Even though we disagree quite a bit on things, her advice has always been true.  So imagine my surprise when I tried to seek advice and was told that I was “giving a guilt trip”.  Yup you guessed it; my mother was who I went to for advice.  I proposed the above situation and talked out all the angles and what ensued was a yelling match as she accused me of giving her a guilt trip.  The thought NEVER once even crossed my mind and telling her that did no good.  She wouldn’t hear of it.  She mentioned that in our earlier conversations (we had two yesterday about this) that she told me she would keep Mushu if I would come over everyday and walk her.  I am telling you she NEVER said that.  NEVER.  I would have held onto that like a beacon of hope… The only things she kept saying were things to the contrary.  

The long and short of it is that I told her in no uncertain terms I was not speaking to her again until she apologized to me.  That regardless if she feels she’s right or wrong…she hurt my feelings and that needs to be acknowledged.  

I hate fights with my mother but I refuse to be the child that she can just speak to like I’m always wrong.  For once, she must acknowledge that her words yet again have hurt me.  I’m 34 for god’s sake when will they stop?  

After all that upset last night and into today, I find I’m still no closer to making a decision on the above apartment or about Mushu, and what’s worse when my mother and I are at odds, my loneliness becomes much more pronounced.  I felt so completely and utterly alone last night.

*****
WELL WISHES
Today I just wish you all have a pleasant day.  That somewhere where you are, the sun finds you and gives you even a moment of peace.

*****
AND REMEMBER:
(Excerpted from “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz)

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word; Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.


2. Don't Take Anything Personally; Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.


3. Don't Make Assumptions; Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.


4. Always Do Your Best; Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.