To the unforgiving muse

If you do not sow in the spring you will not reap in the autumn. ~Irish Proverb

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Dear Unforgiving Muse,

I have looked upon your antics for a very long time with a kind eye. I’ve been sympathetic to your plight. Recently though, I became aware of a very powerful tool that can be used to begin the cleansing process. A simple sentence was uttered that changed everything. When you became aware of this you gave it a try, delving with the eagerness of a new student into the realms of possibility. What you discovered however, you were not prepared to handle.

I watched you then as a truth penetrated the stone fortress of pain you had built around you. It found a small crack and wormed its way into the core of your belief. Your reaction I watched, and in dismay noted that you became quiet, sullen, even withdrawn.

I can not sit by idly anymore. Where you cannot take control, I will. It is why I write this letter, because for too long you were fractured and I am determined that you will be whole again.

Realize I understand intimately the pain you felt. It has shaped your decisions, your life, and your direction ever since. But when the sun came out again you didn’t look at it and that was where your mistake was. You kept your eyes down and the hurt that was once normal, became a wound infected.

You must let go, you must forgive and before you can forgive the one person you thought was the source of this pain, you must do something you didn’t think you had to do.

You must forgive yourself.

The hardest thing in this world to do is to clean your own “house”. You recognized that day you approached the idea of forgiveness… that this was what you had to do. Yet you shrank away. I’m here to tell you, to grab you by the hand and TELL you that you WILL do this, you CAN do this, and you WILL succeed and be free.
So we start now, publicly, together, by saying these few things and opening the door to the beauty that for too long has been buried underneath the pain in my heart:

Unforgiveness is a form of abuse. I will no longer abuse myself.

I do from this moment forward forgive myself for the things I noticed but didn’t pay attention to. I forgive myself for wanting so badly to get out of the house that I lied to myself. I forgive myself for making decisions further impacting my life, using the badge of “marriage” as my excuse, when they were really choices made to help me avoid the truth. I forgive myself for all the things I know in my heart I did, said, or perpetuated because of the hurt I held inside. And lastly, and most importantly, I forgive myself because I deserve to be forgiven... I deserve to be free.

This is just the start Unforgiving Muse. Expect a lot of changes around here. But today, just for today, start with these words. Say these words, believe these words. Change them from a foreign language to a language inherent to your heart. And when you’re ready I’ll be right here forgiving you, loving you, and moving on with you.

Warmly,
Sue