Floating

I shouldn't be writing this today. Whenever I start the day tired, everything looks worse. But I can't seem to concentrate and the only thing I know to do when I get like this is write out what's bothering me.

I've been in many different places. I've loved them, I've hated them. But I truly experience now the profound feeling of disappointment in my current place. There is nothing that can be done to change it apparently. It stems from the top with a seemingly benevolent leader, who is a tyrant thinly veiled.

The true epitome of “my way or the highway” is the way this person leads. If you're not in this circle of comrades, you're on the street. I went from a conversation over three years ago of hope, to the place I'm at today with no possibilities.

In confidence I asked someone I know I can trust “how much is enough?”. Easier said than done when you're looking at the pavement from his very marketable, much sought after shoes. The sage words were “Don't get blindsided”. I respect those words.

I've begun to pray about this because in so many ways in my life, not just this one, I feel lost. I don't have the money to do a year long trip to find myself. I don't have the support mechanisms in place to take a risk and try something new, and in this economy any move is a risk.

In the end, today in particular I'm feeling like I'm just kind of floating along with no direction. And while I hold an oar, my raft which is falling apart slowly, despite my trying to guide it, is going no where...and my arms are so very tired.

I need sleep, a full night of uninterrupted sleep but that hasn't happened in a long time, or at least not without having to force myself to stay up so I literally pass out. I wake up choking all the time now, despite the things I do to try and ensure it doesn't happen.

It's a sad day when the weight of one line, one person's negative opinion of you can't be shaken off and begins to spiral into a snowball of hell.

I keep trying but maybe today is just a day to live up to its moniker “Blue Monday”. Add freezing to that too and you've got it just about right.

I miss happiness

I miss who I was

I miss who I'm supposed to be

I miss hugs

I miss living

I am grateful I have a job

I am grateful for music

I am grateful for the little joys that are given to me each day

I am grateful for kindness bestowed on me

I am grateful for the knowledge of gratitude

...But I still feel like crap.

/end rant