Delusions

Ok so we all have this image we like to think we portray. Some of us actually do portray what we think we are, some of us don’t but WISH we could. That's ok too because it spurs us to do better, be better, try harder. Then there's the group who don't portray but live deluded thinking we actually do. Now these people have it hard, because they're the ones who will twist little happenings to make it seem that what they portray is real. I feel sorry for these people.

I know someone who thinks that other think they're very good at a certain thing (name withheld for obvious reasons folks). In fact it's all they talk about to me on the phone even. Over and over and over again I hear "they know who I am, they fear me, they know I'm good". I've even seen this person say in general public or in groups of specific people, "I am so and so" and this person actually expects these people to know of them. Not only that, but to also acknowledge their greatness?!

The thing that sucks the most about this, is that people while nice, civil and sometimes courteous when on the same side... Really do NOT have the impression of this person that they think or wish others did. As a matter of fact, while the person I know thinks they do sooo good, the other people I'm with at the time waste no time saying "they suck".

Self awareness, admittance of one's talents even in the face of others who may not think you're talented, is good. But to take it to delusional status is bad. It's to the point where I don’t want to talk to this person because all they think is they have this reputation, and they're "known" when they Maybe be known, but it's not for how they think it is. It's quite the opposite. People think this person is a joke, and is not good at what they claim to be. It puts me in a bad spot.

As far as I'm concerned I try to have humility at all times. Probably to my downfall even. But last night I got some validation that gave me a swell of pride. Someone I fight with (PVP in WoW) that I always have a hard time with. You know, the kind where you groan when you see them in your game queue? Well every time they're in game I always thought they hated me. I found out from them last night that not only do they not hate me, but they have respect for me and ENJOY fighting against me because they know I'm good. This is what THEY say to me, without any pre-empting from me. In other words
I didn’t ask for the compliment, it was given without need to be given. That makes me feel good.

I suck at fighting. I’m sooooooooo highly competitive. My fingers get like ice blocks and my face gets all hot when I pvp…. And that’s in a good match. GOD FORBID it be a bad match. During PVP is one of the few times I cannot control my mouth and I spill forth curses openly and loudly . It’s a nasty habit of mine and when I do it, I always want to never pvp again if only to avoid looking like a. a sore loser or b. a potty mouth. I work everyday to get that under control.
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Today is payday and it can’t come any quicker. I think I drove to work on fumes today . I need food in my house, gas in my car (immediately) and a whole host of bills paid lol.

I’m sooo tired today. I have started Book 4 of the Harry Potter series. And I stayed up until 1:30 to read some of it. It’s the first book in the series that I haven’t seen a movie for already. I’m looking forward to reading this before the movie comes out and then catching up with the rest of the world and reading through the new book.

Well not much else for now. Cronie is in the office now, and while I’ve no doubt she’s busy (it IS payday after all) she does seem to enjoy singling me out for thing. I suppose I shouldn’t give her anything to single me out for eh?

Random Poetry coming atcha...
I'm tired I can't write poetry now :P

Monday's suck, DONT SNORT WASABI lol

Monday blah blah blah

Ok so I was reading someone’s blog today and I had to stifle laughter… They made mention of a friend who snorted wasabi lol… I just think that’s funny as hell! I actually had to cover my mouth because I laughed so hard. Who the HELL would snort ANYTHING let alone wasabi!?!? Lol

Ok ok I know, get it under control. So this week is going to be a short week. This weekend was supposed to be musecon but it was cancelled. It’s a good thing really, because I don’t have money again. Lol Here we go again…

It kind of sucks because I wish I had some money to make my little vacation fun. I would buy avocados (yes avocados) and I would treat myself to a sushi dinner one night. It may sound strange but I’ve been enjoying being offline and reading (yes, you read right) R E A D I N G. I used to do it all the time. It’s taken a bit, but it seems with a good four hours or so, I can finish an entire book. I’ve read a new Dean Koontz book, (Thank you Corwin!) and two of the 6 Harry Potter books (again thank you corwin!). He bought me both of those… (the 6 set of Harry potter! As WELL as the dean koontz book). So I finished book two of the Harry potter series this weekend. It will be nice to start reading a book that I haven’t seen the movie for already. Not that they aren’t good mind you, but it will be nice to not know what’s coming up.

Ooh I’ve also started enjoying sleeping on my couch on the weekend’s lol. I never even go to my room on the weekend anymore, well sometimes. My couch has these great recliners at each end. They literally go so flat you’d think you were in bed, except for the lumpy pillows of course. I mean it’s only natural right? I get dressed in that room too so why not?

I have to start considering other places to live… I have to move by July 1 of 2006. You may think it’s far off, but finding a place, getting approved, etc takes time. So I’m starting now. Believe it or not, I got a call from a company in Tennessee. We’ll see what happens with that, but if I get an offer and I can’t refuse it, I guess I STILL could be moving there. Tennessee is close enough to home that I could drive back if needed, but far enough away to be new.

Ill add more later, my boss is out of town and while you think that would be a good thing, her cronies are practically dive bombing me to check my pc and see what I’m doing lol…

Tuesday and I'm still tired...

I'm tired all the time. Granted last night I went to bed at 12:30am or so, but still yesterday I slept in until 12:30pm. I dont know where I read it but somewhere I read an article about skin cancer. There's three types. I only knew of one... Apparently there are two less deadly skin cancers. I forget their names, but I'm sure if you're really that interested you can google it. However as I was reading about one type I absentmindedly scratched my arm as I've been doing for over a month now. I kept reading about this type of skin cancer that shows up in pink dots or dot on your arm that itch. Then I look down and see I've been scratching a pink dot for a long time now, and I have a few more.

hmmm


I still dont have insurance so I guess I'll never know (unless I die from it, which as I understand it isn't likely? Or maybe I just hope that)

Damn, even Blogs can't escape SPAM

So I get all excited because someone posted a reply to my blog... and then I see this:

Anonymous said...
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8-11-2005; 9:16 AM

What the hell is that?!?!?! God, advertising companies are such leeches, praying on people and sucking everything that has any potential to be good and healthy (writing in a journal for example) and turning it into a means to make money. Damn we as a people are lost... so lost.

Random Poetry comin atcha!
For $.99 a line you can read my random poem
For only $.50 each additional line
you can think that you feel better having read it
No contracts! No monthly commit! Let us tell you how much you're missing!
Just sell us your soul...
We're sure you wont regret it.

Two posts in a day... *WARNING RANT*

Well apparently I have not lost the ability to upset people at work. Though their reason for upset if you ask me is retarded but hey why not add the people I work with, to the list of growing people that seem to be upset with me.

So when they order lunch they ask if everyone wants some. Most times they'll pay for each other's lunches en mass. Well I can't do that financially, and I've done it a few times already. The few times I've asked what people wanted I've had to use my debit card and even if they pay me I have to then stop at the bank to depsoit the money. Well today I ordered chinese for lunch. A small lunch really, but I had ordered for dinner too. First, everyone was on the phone when I ordered. Second I've just looked at my budget and probably shouldn't have ordered out anyway, and third, everytime I order for delivery (I dont know the area well enough to go traipsing around on my own) I always get yelled at by Pat who thinks delivery is a waste of money. So I placed my order for delivery alone. Well when the order came every one just stared at me. To me, being looked at, at ALL is frightening let alone having people STARE at you and the bag in your hands. There were a few comments made and I played it off lightly about delivery yada yada yada. Everyone went about their business but then whispers started. I mean come on are we in fucking high school? You going to be that pissed over a stupid lunch? Do I have to divulge my financial information to you to justify this? And it's not like I haven't ever asked anyone before if they wanted something so dont think i'm a total bitch.

So then I go ask my boss if people are upset with me, ( you know you can feel it when people are) and she says "well they're not mad, but we're all lazy ehre and if you were getting delivery you may have wanted to ask." to which I said about my credit card to which she said "well he could have done two bills". I guess i just can't win for fucking trying. And now I get the cold shoulder from people.

These are the same people that sit and eat lunch together, bring lunch for each other, (they're practically all family) and talk of how well their kids are doing, and how their businesses are... I've never fit in here, and I knew that even when I started here (a short month and a half ago). So fine, I'll eat at my desk and read during lunches. I've dealt with cliques in high school I suppose I can deal with them now. Funny that even as an adult I still suffer the same misery I did in high school


This is the kind of shit that makes me wish I were insane so I could live somewhere where NO ONE expects anything of me. I know it's small and I realize you probably think I'm being retarded to but you know what? this is just one thing in the ever increasing pile of shit i get every day.

Yay for me



Random poetry
...

Today's Affirmation

From the Gifts of Goddess - Goddess Cards

Affirmation: I earn my living doing what I love

Note: Use this gift when you fell unfulfilled by your present manner of employment. You created your present work situation and you can create a better one too. Take on work that urtures your mind, body and spirit and that of others. Whatever you do for a living, you can use your creativity to do it. Make your life a work of art and your art a work of life.


Well that's simple isn't it? I guess it would be easy if I had ANY idea what makes me happy. I used to think it was offering peace and love online, and perhaps it still is in part. Then I thought it was owning my own business and for a time it was that. Then I thought it was web design (which I still love creatively). I thought it was poetry and writing for a time too. Sound familiar? Sounds to me like the "I wanna be a (insert job title here) when I grow up" syndrome. The problem is in some part I love all of the things I listed above. I liked the freedom of owning my own business. I like the creativity of writing, I love the joy that seeing people happy gives me, I love the artistic flair that web design sparks in me. But when you make those things your living instead of your art, then they become a job.

I dont want them to be a "job".

More importantly too, everyday my online eyes continue to be opened. Everyday I find people that hide behind the anonymity of the online world and use it as their sheild for their lies. I had faith in people, now I am unsure. I mean whatever happened to being responsible for your words, actions, deeds? Doesn't that make us better? Doesnt that help us strive to be better? I mean I'm no saint for sure, and I do not proclaim to be, nor do I look down my nose at online people... heck I'm ONE of them. But I do not lie. I try VERY hard to not hurt people and I try VERY hard to not lie. Are we as a whole so afraid of rejection, hurt, stereotypes, etc that we would lie to those we call friends? Even after knowing one another for years?

Why bother reaching out to people if all you reach out with is a holographic hand... meaning; if you're not going to be real, then why ask for it in return?

Random Poetry comin atcha!
"Wake up" the voice whspers
"Is my time done?" I wonder
rattling against the cage of the clock
my heart races
in the face of truth revealed
tick tock
time stands still in revelation
even as life goes on
"Wake up" incessantly tapping at the window to my soul
but my life has already passed me by...
while I lived in a lie.
©SKW