Blue or Dark Monday

One of the worst things to go through (barring the obvious health issues, traumatic life changing events, etc) is to be in a job/career you hate. I remember once working at a company years ago... It was the most “horrible” employer I worked for in a long time. I stayed there a year, and went home every night (just about) in tears. Several times I had panic attacks at work. It was so bad.

Before I even go further, let me tell you up until today, this place (the current job) at its worst was never like the one I just mentioned; but today marked a big step in the same direction of “horrible”.
I just hate this job. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It’s the second place in my entire career ever that has made me cry at work. (I think a large part of those tears were hormones, but still… they were tears). Worse still is that given the amount of resumes I had previously sent out to the amount of actual interviews I was called on to do, and of course the resultant zero jobs… well my morale is low I’m having a hard time climbing out of the hole of despair on this front in my life.

This combined with money woes, moving expenses, my perception of being a burden on many people, has led me to a very low point today. It seems that I’m running fast out of options to make things better and despite some very big, very dramatic efforts to make things better as of late; that true to form something will (and does/has) always come up and things will just continue (in many ways) to suck.

It’s been over a year now since I’ve had a post where I just feel like I am lost. I promised myself I would not get to this point at least not publicly in my blog. And I have tried not to get there… even hesitating from posting so that I wouldn’t spread it without restraint. So bear with me, you hear all the good things as of late, and I’ve kept most of my real worries from you… recognize this is the case when you read this and think “But wait, weren’t things just going excellent?” There were and are in some ways and in others… they are not.

As I was saying, I promised myself I wouldn’t get to this point; but today I just can’t make that promise to myself.

It’s hard when you keep getting beat up in life to keep getting up (thank god I don’t have kids and have to do that for them…). And no matter how “small” the things that knock a person down may seem, they may just be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back and you may not even know it.

So today, I’m going to lay low, lick my wounds and try to regroup. Even if that just means sleep. Sometimes, it’s good to do that.

See you all another day when things are better.
Muse