There's more than one answer to these questions...

I love that Indigo Girls song:

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine...

What an awesome song. I've not been a big indigo girls fan, but that song in particular struck me... always has.

So today I go to my car and note that it's freezing cold. Did you hear me? *I* was cold. that's almost unheard of. Takes me forever to warm up. I think just before I turned into the parking lot I started to warm up. I get out of my car and close the door.... And slide perfectly doing a semi half split landing on my right knee when my body realizes it can't do the splits anymore. My knee hurts so bad. It's my right knee and it is just burning right now cuz I cut the skin badly. Did I mention that yesterday I cut my left knee on my drawer at work? *sigh*

Pretty much sums up how I feel. Yesterday was good. I looked good, work even went good. I got home, got in game and it went to shit quickly. Too bad I can't say why, since this is a public place. But suffice to say that aside from game drama, the reality of my life is that the only three men in my life... all have issues that pretty much removes them from being contendors in this race we call relationships. If there was one change in one of them, perhaps it could work. But it's either not important to him, or important but not important enough to overcome fear (I hope it's just this and not contentedness, because that just would make me feel like @$#%@#!). One I think is just a lost cause (I say think because he doesn't even seem to want to learn after my telling him directly about communication and it's importance to me). I mean he can't even call me! *laughs sarcastically* and THAT'S the local one. Figures... YAY go me. And the other well there are just so many incompatibilities. It would take a *lot* of work I think to come to middle ground (not that he's not willing to see my point of view, as far as that goes he's very open, but I dont think I can handle some of the things he has going on).

So, here I am back to square one. Afraid to go anywhere because that means being away from my computer for very long, tied to the computer which has no love for me, surrounded by "friends" who love me (and I love them too) but no one here with me (And I mean not even a local friend who plays online. Someone I could just go and hang with who understands the importance of my online life to me. All my real life friends except for one wonderful woman and her family, dont get this online life of mine. So when they want to see me they want me away from the computer and they want hours with me. I mean what could we possibly talk about for hours ??? I can't think of anything. Not to mention the fact that before when we did talk for hours, we were under the influence and I dont want that anymore). Now beyond a friend, I want someone I can hug. Someone who might have an interest in me, even if just budding, that maybe I could feel special with. You know, I know I seem to obsess on this, but god dammit i *DESERVE* to be loved. I suffered 10 years in a marriage destined to go nowhere and before all the major problems surfaced that caused me to turn inward, I was devoted, caring etc. Ask anyone... Now since then and during the end of that, I did it right. I held to my vows, never straying, while he had his girlfriend and got EVERYTHING i wanted, love, a good paying job (which i might add he NEVER had while we were married, it was alwyas up to me AND I delivered). Then just after all that I get fortunate enough to meet two who think they may have it in their hearts to be with me and actually come to meet me. I dont know what happened there, but they're not here, and these are folks I got along with REALLY REALLY well. I mean one of them we used to send 5-8 emails back and forth a day. We had so much in common. The other, we talked for hours, sometimes even sleeping on the phone together because we just didn't want to hang up. That's not just idle passion or online temporary love, you know? But it wasn't enough I guess. Now i have these three and well I've just listed their issues above.

And I'm not getting any younger.

I think secretly I hoped that someone would work with me so that I felt it was ok to go beyond my past and have kids. I think that perhaps those that say I would be a good mother are right. If I can get past this shit that keeps me down (whether my own or some other issue) then yes, I think I could be... and NO i do not hear a biological clock ticking. But I do realize more so now than ever, that I'm not invincible and life isn't forever. I think as teens and 20 somethings you dont think that it could end. Or if it did it just seems so unlikely "yours" could end. In my opinion anyway. But the minute I hit 30, I realized and could see what had happened to me, what I had done, how quickly time passes me, and was able to have a little better vision of what i want.

I dont want the knight on the white horse, I want a partner, a friend, a lover. That's it. I'm not looking for riches, but security. Not fantasy but a pleasant reality where it's not a struggle to get out of bed everyday.

And lest you all think I'm some desperate freak I'll leave it at that.


Random poetry...
When we were a simple vision
a gleam in someone's eye
the whispers start
"You're beautiful, special, wondrous"
How quickly then into the harsh world
we learn that that voice of love is just a voice
life with it's callous hands holds our soft flesh
trying to mimic a hug of love
but offering sandpaper reality
grinding away at the beauty of truth
offering blinders to ease our sight
sight, that it took away
lifetimes spent seeking that voice
that whisper of beauty
that treasure hidden deep
...but I dont have a map
and i'm tired
I think i'll lie down and sleep
for the rest of my life...
©SKW