The apartment search continues…
This weekend sucked. Friday night I spent in tension filled drama in game for HOURS. I couldn’t escape it. I couldn’t even go on air because of it. Sure, I know, log off right? Well this drama was between a friend who I speak to in real life and me. I can’t just walk away or unplug that…
Ever have a dream even if its unspoken burning inside you. You don’t speak of it, because to speak means it might go away? But then something happens, innocently most often… and it just shatters your dream? Ever feel that? Yea.. I know that. I know you have no clue what I’m talking about and that’s ok. Friday just sucked bad for me.
Additionally my next door neighbor, the one that scares me? You remember … Anyway he has people coming in and out of his apartment 24/7. The smell in my hallway of pot, cigarette smoke and god knows what else has started seeping into my apartment. It is responsible for my headahches as of late, and since I used to smoke and know what it did to me then, I know it will be responsible for my sinus problems. These are problems I am already feeling… oh and can I mention cravings? I had to stop myself from going out and buying cigarettes a FEW times this weekend. Where do you go when your apartment, your refuge, is now your enemy? I even opened my windows ALL of them this weekend. I haven’t done that since I moved in, preferring to keep closed all the time. But I tried to air the place out because it reeks so bad. I even burned lavender oil all day Friday and Saturday and by the end of the night was STILL sick from the smoke. This is coming from an ex-smoker folks… I have GOT to get out of there. I don’t know if my health will make it until July. I hate that when I come into my apartment now it reeks like a cigarette shop. My walls will show the stains of smoke if it doesn’t quit or if it gets heavier and I’m not cleaning that crap off… The doorway that the smell comes from the most is also right by my bedroom. Great, now I can sleep with the smell I’ve been getting away from for 4 years now. And this morning on the way to work I couldn’t sing a complete song without clearing my throat. That is one of the PRIMARY reasons I quit 4 years ago… And now it’s back. Last but not least second hand smoke is worse than 1st hand. Or so they say… lovely, so now I’m going to get cancer because my fucking neighbor’s mother can’t deal with him and bought him a condo to get rid of him, so he can party every night. And * I * Have to live right across from him.
So Friday I didn’t get much sleep. Or well I went to bed really late, then woke up Saturday and went back to bed… Then was up late Saturday and I was sooo tired Sunday, but I waited to sleep until midnight so my body could try to get back on track…. ON Saturday or Sunday (I can’t remember now) someone buzzed to get in and I didn’t answer again. I waited in fear of making any noise actually turning down my tv so they couldn’t hear that I was home and just didn’t answer. My neighbors who had the community watch think that my car was trashed because I didn’t answer the door last time. So I waited with baited breath to hear any glass crashing. Instead I heard people in the hallway so tiptoeing to my door to peek out, I see a group of guys hanging around my door. They’re not doing anything per se, but they’re whispering at my door. Yea, I’m not feeling to safe there… So I go sit back down on my couch and try to strategize what would I do if they came in … It wouldn’t take much effort to get in. I know I will not be sitting comfortably in my own home anymore. I’ll be fully dressed and at the ready at all times and I’ll have to learn to live with sleeping in clothing, not just pj’s. Because god forbid anything SHOULD happen, I”ll need to grab my purse and run out the other door of the apartment. It’s the only way out short of vaulting over my deck and I’m way too old for that. Isn’t this gross? I’m talking about where I live and planning how I would leave if I were attacked?!? It seems so bizarre to me.
On the way to work today I saw a few apartments I would like to call on, but I wont… The few I called on before when I thought my mother could help me were eager to see me, and some had openings right away. Even one that would take mushu! But I have no money to move right now and I can’t get help from any other source. I’m just afraid that in the end I wont save up any money. Every time I have any money to put away something always comes up. I wait again with baited breath for payday today, as I’m supposed to have some money left over. I know I have to spend some of it on an oil change, but hopefully I can put like $80 in the bank. Not much I know… But something. I HAVE to put money away. Have to have to have to. Or I can stay where I am and die. Dramatic I know but you have NO idea what it’s like to live in a place where for a year you thought you were crazy because no one believed you when you said you were scared and didn’t feel safe. Then to have your fears VALIDATED and have everyone go “Oh I didn’t realize”. Now I’m in like panic mode or something…
Oh so yea, Friday in game… Remember folks online we only have our words and our in game actions to go on. If you’re seen around a bunch of men alone for hours, less than 2 m apart, you’re going to be seen as … well something. (You get my drift). And if you don’t support your friends in the oh so important fights online, well then your word means shit and if you are in someone’s real life and have that coveted spot of trust, then lack of support means a RIPPING of that trust as you’re pulled out of someone’s heart.
These are damages that are not reversible or well lets say very few friendships can survive an attack like that.
Word to the wise…
Random poetry (based on an old poem written a long time ago for a friend of mine, rewritten and I gather you’ll soon know why)
She gave me orange blossoms
Once so beautiful and fragrant
I held them close to my heart
While they festered and changed into something I know not
Decaying in a split second,
Withering into nothing more than…mold
One petal hanging on attached to the withered bud
Trying…
Success unlikely… but it tries
She gave me orange blossoms and had I known
That in the future they would have died
I wonder, would I have taken the offering at all?
Monday, October 31, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
Sitting, waiting, wishing...
JACK JOHNSON LYRICS"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"Now I was sitting waiting wishingThat you believed in superstitionsThen maybe you'd see the signsBut Lord knows that this world is cruelAnd I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a foolLearning loving somebody don't make them love youMust I always be waiting waiting on you?Must I always be playing playing your fool?I sing ya songs I dance a danceI gave ya friends all a chancePutting up with them wasn't worth never having youAnd maybe you been through this beforeBut its my first timeSo please ignoreThe next few lines cause they're directed at youI cant always be waiting waiting on youI cant always be playing playing your foolI keep playing your partBut its not my sceneWont this plot not twist?I've had enough mystery.Keep building me up, then shooting me downWell im already downJust wait a minuteJust sitting waitingJust wait a minuteJust sitting waitingWell if I was in your positionId put down all my ammunitionI'd wondered why'd it taken me so longBut Lord knows that I'm not youAnd If I was I wouldn't be so cruelCause waiting on love ain't so easy to doMust I always be waiting waiting on you?Must I always be playing playing your fool?No I cant always be waiting waiting on youI cant always be playing playing your fool, foool
Those are such perfect lyrics. Such a good definite example of where I am right now… sitting, waiting, wishing.
Anyway, it’s been a week since I wrote. Everyday I want to write, but I feel so lame sometimes always writing about love or my lack thereof. But there are so many things I want to write about but I just get overwhelmed.
On the good news is that Crony hasn’t been in since Wednesday as she’s been on vacation. She comes back Monday though * sigh *. Oh well three days is better than none (
I watched Batman Begins yesterday and WOW…. AWESOME movie. Then I watched Shall We Dance with Richard Gere and J.lo. Such a good movie. I’m such a sap. In my old age, I love to watch films and dream of days when I looked good and had the potential to have dreams like that.
Sometimes I feel the urge to write, but I don’t exert it. Like last night I sat in bed and spoke aloud an entire paragraph trying desperately to commit it to memory… because I was so tired I didn’t want to get up to write it. This morning I’m left with the memory of that paragraph. It goes something like this:”Darkness descended upon the world as it were, not fast like the speeding bullet but slowly like the lovers embrace. First it embraced the sky allowing only the faint twinkle of the brightest stars to show through it’s onyx walls, then it draped itself luxuriously over the streetlights and homes of the world as if to say “sleep now…” As the darkness covered all, it crept towards the path behind the beach homes with their bright lights. Shying away from the warmth these lights represented, it seeped around the structures and behind them almost as if the darkness itself was a tangible… The path behind these homes led to a slope leading downward and away to the ocean. Marked only by many years of footsteps some running others walking in their haste to the beach, the path now stood quiet, the wind tickling the blades of grass as it rustled through. Inside the beach homes families gathered for comfort in the light while outside the deepening shadows held their mysteries… The wind continued to ripple through the landscape as the grass turned to sand shifting with each push of the wind. Finally the path ended in the soft sand of the beach that stretched for miles. The water pounded the beach relentlessly white foamy crests seeking purchase on the land as if to conquer it over and over again. A few steps straight ahead from the beach at this point would take one straight to the rickety pier.
The caramel color of the paint had long ago faded to it’s grayish hue over time, and the strength in the boards and planks had ceased to exist long ago. It was for this reason a sign secured by a chain had closed off the entrance of the long pier, in the hopes of keeping people safe. Still, teenagers in some mock initiation daring each other to test their fears gained entrance and had their way with the night running and jumping off the pier into the waters as a show of strength when time and lack of police patrols permitted. Tonight however, only the sound of the sea lapping at the wood structure and the silence of the full moon gazing down on the world, touched this beach of darkened tranquility.
Well, that and the feet of the angel standing on the edge of the pier, looking down into the water.
Standing so still that she might have been mistaken for a statue save for her hair that flowed in the wind as it picked up speed nearer the water, not a single limb on her moved. Wings of white tucked under her hair were only visible when the wind picked up momentum moving her incredibly long hair revealing her true form. She wore a dress of soft yellow, almost gold in the shimmering light of the moon. On her porcelain doll like form, a headband of gold with a crescent moon adorned her head. Her appearance while human was quite ethereal. She wore the clothes of a human, but her eyes alone gave her away. Gazing down at the water, they shone a birght fiery crystal white. Tears that fell from those precious eyes were like mini beacons of light suspended in time before they disappeared into the water shimmering for a second before turning to the molecular form of basic water. Her hands hung limply at her side and as she stood oblivious to the winds continuing to gain speed she spoke in French, her soft whispers carried off in the oncoming storm…
Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
(It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.)
Anyway, so that’s what I was working on in my mind… I’ll post it on utopia skye, but anyone who doesn’t visti there but reads here, let me know if this is worth anything.
See ya
Those are such perfect lyrics. Such a good definite example of where I am right now… sitting, waiting, wishing.
Anyway, it’s been a week since I wrote. Everyday I want to write, but I feel so lame sometimes always writing about love or my lack thereof. But there are so many things I want to write about but I just get overwhelmed.
On the good news is that Crony hasn’t been in since Wednesday as she’s been on vacation. She comes back Monday though * sigh *. Oh well three days is better than none (
I watched Batman Begins yesterday and WOW…. AWESOME movie. Then I watched Shall We Dance with Richard Gere and J.lo. Such a good movie. I’m such a sap. In my old age, I love to watch films and dream of days when I looked good and had the potential to have dreams like that.
Sometimes I feel the urge to write, but I don’t exert it. Like last night I sat in bed and spoke aloud an entire paragraph trying desperately to commit it to memory… because I was so tired I didn’t want to get up to write it. This morning I’m left with the memory of that paragraph. It goes something like this:”Darkness descended upon the world as it were, not fast like the speeding bullet but slowly like the lovers embrace. First it embraced the sky allowing only the faint twinkle of the brightest stars to show through it’s onyx walls, then it draped itself luxuriously over the streetlights and homes of the world as if to say “sleep now…” As the darkness covered all, it crept towards the path behind the beach homes with their bright lights. Shying away from the warmth these lights represented, it seeped around the structures and behind them almost as if the darkness itself was a tangible… The path behind these homes led to a slope leading downward and away to the ocean. Marked only by many years of footsteps some running others walking in their haste to the beach, the path now stood quiet, the wind tickling the blades of grass as it rustled through. Inside the beach homes families gathered for comfort in the light while outside the deepening shadows held their mysteries… The wind continued to ripple through the landscape as the grass turned to sand shifting with each push of the wind. Finally the path ended in the soft sand of the beach that stretched for miles. The water pounded the beach relentlessly white foamy crests seeking purchase on the land as if to conquer it over and over again. A few steps straight ahead from the beach at this point would take one straight to the rickety pier.
The caramel color of the paint had long ago faded to it’s grayish hue over time, and the strength in the boards and planks had ceased to exist long ago. It was for this reason a sign secured by a chain had closed off the entrance of the long pier, in the hopes of keeping people safe. Still, teenagers in some mock initiation daring each other to test their fears gained entrance and had their way with the night running and jumping off the pier into the waters as a show of strength when time and lack of police patrols permitted. Tonight however, only the sound of the sea lapping at the wood structure and the silence of the full moon gazing down on the world, touched this beach of darkened tranquility.
Well, that and the feet of the angel standing on the edge of the pier, looking down into the water.
Standing so still that she might have been mistaken for a statue save for her hair that flowed in the wind as it picked up speed nearer the water, not a single limb on her moved. Wings of white tucked under her hair were only visible when the wind picked up momentum moving her incredibly long hair revealing her true form. She wore a dress of soft yellow, almost gold in the shimmering light of the moon. On her porcelain doll like form, a headband of gold with a crescent moon adorned her head. Her appearance while human was quite ethereal. She wore the clothes of a human, but her eyes alone gave her away. Gazing down at the water, they shone a birght fiery crystal white. Tears that fell from those precious eyes were like mini beacons of light suspended in time before they disappeared into the water shimmering for a second before turning to the molecular form of basic water. Her hands hung limply at her side and as she stood oblivious to the winds continuing to gain speed she spoke in French, her soft whispers carried off in the oncoming storm…
Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
(It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.)
Anyway, so that’s what I was working on in my mind… I’ll post it on utopia skye, but anyone who doesn’t visti there but reads here, let me know if this is worth anything.
See ya
Thursday, October 20, 2005
LONG post... been a couple of days
Been a couple of days since I posted….
You know it’s funny what we base our friendship on, and what our friendship rides on throughout the course of our friendship…. For instance in game, we base our friendships on our compatability and how often we are there for each other in game. For some friendships this goes out of game to message boards too where we’re known by a “personality”. When this “personality” seems different than what we’ve come to expect then instant issue… strife…It’s different online. Even though you may not see this person in real life you do see them nearly every day in an immersive online environment. Thus the friendship suffers the same pitfalls as a real friendship does, but quicker and more painfully if you live in this immersive online world as most gamers do.
For me it’s when people don’t back me that’s a problem. I meet and know sooooooooo many people. I love the friends I meet. Even those that don’t become close personal friends. Each person brings something different to the table… A different flavor in a perfectly crafted meal of variety. But just like an onion with it’s multiple layers each one of those friends rests somewhere in between the acquaintance world, and the core of who I am.
The people in the core, whether I have seen them in real life or not are people who know things about me in real life. Some of those people even know my financial information or some of it. I’m not here to debate whether that’s risky or not, but I emphasize it as a point. I TRUST these people to safeguard my information and my emotions much more than others. For those people who are in the core…. Having a different opinion than me on something can happen. But what I EXPECT from those people is that in the interest of safeguarding each other’s feelings, unless it’s a personal slander or issue that cuases them harm, I expect they would back me verbally in general public. I also expect that if they didn’t agree they would either keep quiet if it’s a high tense situation (such as in game drama) or say they disagree, and leave it at that without slandering me to people. See even those people who are in the core who have excellent communication with me are only there BECAUSE they have this. Most people online don’t have this… they don’t look beyond the written text. THESE people do and thus they are in that select group of core friends.
So then, what do you do when one of them hurts you with a quickly spoken word that while it may have truth for them, has resounding bad vibes for me?
People can be asses online. I expect that. People who are asses are going to live up to that expectation of being… well… an ass. But I expect my friends to NOT be so. So if an ass hurts me, ok I’ll cry, but I’ll get over it and realize they’re just an ass. But if a friend hurts me, it wounds me more than any ass could possibly hope to do. These type of wounds can be repaired, but they must be done so quickly and with excellent communication. I hope that the friendship that has been put under this stress can be fixed quickly. Last night was a good start to fixing it, but what happened… happened and trust has been lost. I can’t count on this person to safeguard my feelings, at least not right away.
I’ve closed several role playing things I had going on in game. I will only reopen them if people express interest in them. I don’t mind sticking my neck out and starting something even if people aren’t interested. But when there is strife I just don’t care to reach out like that. Usually I only pull my hand back as it’s stinging from being slapped.
Words can never be retracted…ever. Remember that and think before you speak (I’m guilty of this as well and I promise today and hopefully everyday to try and be better at this too).
On the home front, I have been looking for an apartment again. I’ve gotten a few leads from the local papers and one right here in Willowbrook. It doesn’t have a washer/dryer in the apartment though ( and no hook ups for it, but they do take dogs with only a $200 deposit and no pet rent… There are two washers/dryers in the basement of each building but there are 16 units to a building… the ratio is crappy. However there is a Laundromat right next door. Do I want to get quarters again and lug laundry to a Laundromat again? * sigh * I don’t think so, even if it means I get mushu back ( It would have to be an AMAZING apartment and community to make me change my mind… We’ll see
I have a few other places I’m going to look at too. They’re in the surrounding area. I’m sure I wont have a problem breaking my lease given what’s happened lately… but I would prefer not to for several reasons (trust me I want out as much as the next person but I have to be practical). If I wait I have no problems with my credit with them since I wont have broken my lease. Plus I’ll have some money saved for movers so I wont have to bother my mother again. I really want to get a maid service when I leave my apartment no matter when that is, to deep clean the place. And with a move right now I certainly can’t afford that either. Plus if I leave now I leave my neighbors who have been so nice to me (the people above me) with an uncertain future as they wont know who’s coming in. I’ve become the poster child for a community watch program in our area and if I leave they have no one example as someone who will speak up…
On the love front, I’m still single and alone. I’m beginning to think that will never change.
On a totally separate note, I hate that I can’t look at someone else and NOT compare myself. I know I’m a bit low on self esteem so I expect the twinge of “oh you’re ugly” especially when I see someone who’s beautiful. But when it’s someone that in some measure I’m in competition with (I will not elaborate on this), it’s like a mac truck hitting me knocking the breath out of me.. it’s like “DAMN she’s beautiful” and then… “and then there’s me”. I don’t want responses to this entry about how everyone loves me or thinks I’m beautiful or that I have a beautiful soul. I’m not writing this part of this entry to elicit that response. I’m simply telling you how I feel. When I feel like this, I can understand why I’m still alone. While that’s cryptic, those that know my situation will understand what I say this for, and why…
I’ve cancelled wow. I’m probably going to cancel my second swg account. Since what I had planned to do with Melpomene is probably not going to happen now, there is no need for two accounts. I can drop musician on Caliope and take up architect so I can build and replace as I see fit. Tonight I’ll transfer mel’s properties to cal just in case I do this. Plus canceling a second account would save me money. I recently got an email that I’m accepted to the beta of Dark and Light, a new MMO. My beta starts in November. I believe a few friends will be there as well so I won’t be totally alone.
Oh my god, a HUGE thank you to shaun and his family! They sent me a box of lindt chocolate truffles and a pumpkin filled with MORE truffles! It was so sweet, I got them yesterday and somehow managed to not eat the entire package :P The card said , Hope these treats keep the tricks away… it was just so nice. Thank you so much you guys and I LOVE YOU * hug *
What else what else….I guess that’s it for now… ciao
You know it’s funny what we base our friendship on, and what our friendship rides on throughout the course of our friendship…. For instance in game, we base our friendships on our compatability and how often we are there for each other in game. For some friendships this goes out of game to message boards too where we’re known by a “personality”. When this “personality” seems different than what we’ve come to expect then instant issue… strife…It’s different online. Even though you may not see this person in real life you do see them nearly every day in an immersive online environment. Thus the friendship suffers the same pitfalls as a real friendship does, but quicker and more painfully if you live in this immersive online world as most gamers do.
For me it’s when people don’t back me that’s a problem. I meet and know sooooooooo many people. I love the friends I meet. Even those that don’t become close personal friends. Each person brings something different to the table… A different flavor in a perfectly crafted meal of variety. But just like an onion with it’s multiple layers each one of those friends rests somewhere in between the acquaintance world, and the core of who I am.
The people in the core, whether I have seen them in real life or not are people who know things about me in real life. Some of those people even know my financial information or some of it. I’m not here to debate whether that’s risky or not, but I emphasize it as a point. I TRUST these people to safeguard my information and my emotions much more than others. For those people who are in the core…. Having a different opinion than me on something can happen. But what I EXPECT from those people is that in the interest of safeguarding each other’s feelings, unless it’s a personal slander or issue that cuases them harm, I expect they would back me verbally in general public. I also expect that if they didn’t agree they would either keep quiet if it’s a high tense situation (such as in game drama) or say they disagree, and leave it at that without slandering me to people. See even those people who are in the core who have excellent communication with me are only there BECAUSE they have this. Most people online don’t have this… they don’t look beyond the written text. THESE people do and thus they are in that select group of core friends.
So then, what do you do when one of them hurts you with a quickly spoken word that while it may have truth for them, has resounding bad vibes for me?
People can be asses online. I expect that. People who are asses are going to live up to that expectation of being… well… an ass. But I expect my friends to NOT be so. So if an ass hurts me, ok I’ll cry, but I’ll get over it and realize they’re just an ass. But if a friend hurts me, it wounds me more than any ass could possibly hope to do. These type of wounds can be repaired, but they must be done so quickly and with excellent communication. I hope that the friendship that has been put under this stress can be fixed quickly. Last night was a good start to fixing it, but what happened… happened and trust has been lost. I can’t count on this person to safeguard my feelings, at least not right away.
I’ve closed several role playing things I had going on in game. I will only reopen them if people express interest in them. I don’t mind sticking my neck out and starting something even if people aren’t interested. But when there is strife I just don’t care to reach out like that. Usually I only pull my hand back as it’s stinging from being slapped.
Words can never be retracted…ever. Remember that and think before you speak (I’m guilty of this as well and I promise today and hopefully everyday to try and be better at this too).
On the home front, I have been looking for an apartment again. I’ve gotten a few leads from the local papers and one right here in Willowbrook. It doesn’t have a washer/dryer in the apartment though ( and no hook ups for it, but they do take dogs with only a $200 deposit and no pet rent… There are two washers/dryers in the basement of each building but there are 16 units to a building… the ratio is crappy. However there is a Laundromat right next door. Do I want to get quarters again and lug laundry to a Laundromat again? * sigh * I don’t think so, even if it means I get mushu back ( It would have to be an AMAZING apartment and community to make me change my mind… We’ll see
I have a few other places I’m going to look at too. They’re in the surrounding area. I’m sure I wont have a problem breaking my lease given what’s happened lately… but I would prefer not to for several reasons (trust me I want out as much as the next person but I have to be practical). If I wait I have no problems with my credit with them since I wont have broken my lease. Plus I’ll have some money saved for movers so I wont have to bother my mother again. I really want to get a maid service when I leave my apartment no matter when that is, to deep clean the place. And with a move right now I certainly can’t afford that either. Plus if I leave now I leave my neighbors who have been so nice to me (the people above me) with an uncertain future as they wont know who’s coming in. I’ve become the poster child for a community watch program in our area and if I leave they have no one example as someone who will speak up…
On the love front, I’m still single and alone. I’m beginning to think that will never change.
On a totally separate note, I hate that I can’t look at someone else and NOT compare myself. I know I’m a bit low on self esteem so I expect the twinge of “oh you’re ugly” especially when I see someone who’s beautiful. But when it’s someone that in some measure I’m in competition with (I will not elaborate on this), it’s like a mac truck hitting me knocking the breath out of me.. it’s like “DAMN she’s beautiful” and then… “and then there’s me”. I don’t want responses to this entry about how everyone loves me or thinks I’m beautiful or that I have a beautiful soul. I’m not writing this part of this entry to elicit that response. I’m simply telling you how I feel. When I feel like this, I can understand why I’m still alone. While that’s cryptic, those that know my situation will understand what I say this for, and why…
I’ve cancelled wow. I’m probably going to cancel my second swg account. Since what I had planned to do with Melpomene is probably not going to happen now, there is no need for two accounts. I can drop musician on Caliope and take up architect so I can build and replace as I see fit. Tonight I’ll transfer mel’s properties to cal just in case I do this. Plus canceling a second account would save me money. I recently got an email that I’m accepted to the beta of Dark and Light, a new MMO. My beta starts in November. I believe a few friends will be there as well so I won’t be totally alone.
Oh my god, a HUGE thank you to shaun and his family! They sent me a box of lindt chocolate truffles and a pumpkin filled with MORE truffles! It was so sweet, I got them yesterday and somehow managed to not eat the entire package :P The card said , Hope these treats keep the tricks away… it was just so nice. Thank you so much you guys and I LOVE YOU * hug *
What else what else….I guess that’s it for now… ciao
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
We're all actors and the world is our stage
When the words become scripted, your heart becomes an actor and your words become lies….
Don’t ever tell me you love me simply because I prompted you to. If I ask you if you love me, and you say yes you better mean it. If I tell you that I need to hear it today because today is a stressful day or just because I need to hear it, tell me honestly that you love me or tell me the truth.
I was going to write about my crappy weekend but right now I’m so sad about other things I just cn’t so I’ll give a small synopsis.
I want to be important. If you’re part of my life then make me feel it.
*stops ranting and just closes the post…. *
Don’t ever tell me you love me simply because I prompted you to. If I ask you if you love me, and you say yes you better mean it. If I tell you that I need to hear it today because today is a stressful day or just because I need to hear it, tell me honestly that you love me or tell me the truth.
I was going to write about my crappy weekend but right now I’m so sad about other things I just cn’t so I’ll give a small synopsis.
- Car got trashed
- Got food poisoning and/or a combination of allergy related issues to some food and was violently ill
- car got more trashed
- end of weekend.
I want to be important. If you’re part of my life then make me feel it.
*stops ranting and just closes the post…. *
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
LONG post about ... well ... nothing, perhaps?
How is it possible for me to be late when I was up at 4am? Ok this old age working too early thing is for the birds. I fell asleep last night around 8:30 and got up at 10pm from a horrible nightmare, which I couldn’t shake. I finally fell asleep again by 11pm, and was up at 3:30. By the time I could have chosen to go back to bed it was 4am and I have to be up at 5am or so. SO I figured I’d just stay up. The benefit of this is I did get some stuff done lol. I actually got showered, and actually GOT READY… you know like did my hair, and makeup and feel half decent about myself. Not so afraid to go out and show my face to the world lol. But then I got stuck trying to perfect something in game and before I knew it, it was 6:35 and (eeek!) I have to leave at 6:15. So I flew out the door after shoving some vitamins and St. John’s Wort down my throat and here I am.
Yup… here I am. Here I sit with nothing to do. Have a few things of course and I’m pacing myself getting through them so I at least have stuff to do all day but now I’m bored. And the worst part is I’m bored and AWAKE. Which is even more horrible considering I have nothing to do here ** cries **.
I know I shouldn’t complain. I get paid more than I did at my last job and I have even less to do here than I did at my last job. But I’m just not one of those people. See I can think of at least 10 other things I can get down at home instead of wasting 8 hours here when I really only need 4 to get done what I have… I’m salaried of course so if there were ever overtime they wouldn’t have to pay it but I still have to do a timesheet and I’ve been told I’ll be docked for the few times I was out (which is CONSIDERABLY less than at my last job by FAR!) but still… you see how it’s one way for them and another when it doesn’t benefit them? Because of that I have to stay here. ** sigh **
So what else is new… well I am now a registered member on 7 message boards now lol. The utopia skye ones, two protectorate ones (long story), the romantics site (based in wow), the angels of wrath (based in wow), the Talus community (based in SWG) and two personal ones (meaning I wont tell you what they are, not that they are a personals board. :P ) as well. I’m having difficulty keeping up. :P Utopia Skye ALWAYS get my first priority.
I’m going to be canceling wow soon. I downloaded the patch from yesterday and this weekend I’m going in game to give those I care about alternate means of contacting me. The guilds will remain and I will still have them, but people are free to come and go as they please. There are officers on both sides that can help in my absence. Perhaps I’ll activate for a month or so… perhaps not. But I need to do this for me.
Right now I have a calculated $76.89 (which will increase to $91.88) amount I pay EACH month for online games. I can keep TSO for history sake, the boards and SWG and STILL cut my costs in half if I just take charge of my damn life. I’m going to try again to do this. Wish my luck. Previously I’ve caved when I cancelled.
I don’t have time for all these games anyway. I never play TSO except for when people want to meet there. I never play ts2 and I LOVE to build. I never go there because the MMO’s is where I get my social interaction. While I’m not ready to emerge into the real world and get my social interaction there so my MMO addiction isn’t as bad, I can at least cut it to one game. I can also cut my cell bill again by $40 if I just don’t use the damn thing. Right now I use it at work and when I’m driving to and from work because when I’m home I don’t want to be on the phone, I want to be in game. But the $47 from the reduced expenses n game that I’ll save plus the $44 I can save on my phone gives me almost $100 a month that I can save. NOT pay other bills with, but save… I have no money. No savings, and no retirement. It’s funny at a meeting at the company I was with the longest (Telecomm Industries) they had a retirement planner there and I remember then at the age of 25 or so laughing that I didn’t need to plan for retirement. Now I’m 34 and have nothing. I have roughly (according to old standards) 21 years with which to save enough money to live the rest of my life on. Yea. Right.
Additionally through some knowledge received recently I discovered that I’m a total loser (and don’t knock me on this assessment when you read this folks). I’m 34 and have NOTHING to show for the years I’ve worked. People younger than me have far more than me. Without going into details I just know I suck basically (and yes this is the reason for my depression last night… the realization that you suck isn’t an easy pill to swallow). I realize that I only suck in this one area, at least for right now, but I am talking majorly sucking here…. I need to get my act together.
The fastest easiest way to get a large amount of money together would be to sell all my crap and move in with my mother. BAM instant $850/month saved from not having to pay rent. But I have to wonder is it worth it? Is my sanity worth $850/month? That’s where I’m at today.
I finally understand why Militis was so much into sleeping. He said dreams are far better than the real world. I fought him tooth and nail for a long time on that one. I think in some measure I get it now. I think perhaps I was so tired because I was so depressed. Money always depresses me, but it’s the things that I can’t mention here that weigh on my heart that depress me.
We all have a shadow self, and that shadow self includes a shadow heart. In this heart the things we live that perhaps we wouldn’t live or do in waking reality reside. This is the place you go when you rationalize an action and reduce it from it’s “Omg, this isn’t acceptable” status to “Well it’s ok if this, and this, and this”. This is the comfort zone you find in an action that you tolerate, allow, accept. Even though you go here, you still have to continually justify it to your waking self. This is the part of you that is aware that what you’re doing is wrong, if not for others, but even just for you. This is the part that says, you’re worth more, you deserve more… This part continually looks into the shadow heart you live in and pokes at you saying “Hey, I’m talking here, are you listening?” I’ve become quite adept at tuning that voice out, but even with the skills I have sometimes an echo persists ringing against my brain.
What I allow to happen to myself for whatever reason is wrong. It may LOOK like the bright light that I wish it to be, but it is an illusion because behind that light is the truth. That what I allow is in the end demeaning because it lacks the weight of reality.
I’ll leave it at that for now.
Random Poetry comin atcha
What I want to be right is derived from what is wrong
The orb of beauty contained over my dream is simply a weak barrier
That any touch will dissolve, revealing reality
It feels so right, It REALLY feels right
I want it to be right
But it’s wrong.
Truth hits hardest when you accept it…
©SKW
Yup… here I am. Here I sit with nothing to do. Have a few things of course and I’m pacing myself getting through them so I at least have stuff to do all day but now I’m bored. And the worst part is I’m bored and AWAKE. Which is even more horrible considering I have nothing to do here ** cries **.
I know I shouldn’t complain. I get paid more than I did at my last job and I have even less to do here than I did at my last job. But I’m just not one of those people. See I can think of at least 10 other things I can get down at home instead of wasting 8 hours here when I really only need 4 to get done what I have… I’m salaried of course so if there were ever overtime they wouldn’t have to pay it but I still have to do a timesheet and I’ve been told I’ll be docked for the few times I was out (which is CONSIDERABLY less than at my last job by FAR!) but still… you see how it’s one way for them and another when it doesn’t benefit them? Because of that I have to stay here. ** sigh **
So what else is new… well I am now a registered member on 7 message boards now lol. The utopia skye ones, two protectorate ones (long story), the romantics site (based in wow), the angels of wrath (based in wow), the Talus community (based in SWG) and two personal ones (meaning I wont tell you what they are, not that they are a personals board. :P ) as well. I’m having difficulty keeping up. :P Utopia Skye ALWAYS get my first priority.
I’m going to be canceling wow soon. I downloaded the patch from yesterday and this weekend I’m going in game to give those I care about alternate means of contacting me. The guilds will remain and I will still have them, but people are free to come and go as they please. There are officers on both sides that can help in my absence. Perhaps I’ll activate for a month or so… perhaps not. But I need to do this for me.
Right now I have a calculated $76.89 (which will increase to $91.88) amount I pay EACH month for online games. I can keep TSO for history sake, the boards and SWG and STILL cut my costs in half if I just take charge of my damn life. I’m going to try again to do this. Wish my luck. Previously I’ve caved when I cancelled.
I don’t have time for all these games anyway. I never play TSO except for when people want to meet there. I never play ts2 and I LOVE to build. I never go there because the MMO’s is where I get my social interaction. While I’m not ready to emerge into the real world and get my social interaction there so my MMO addiction isn’t as bad, I can at least cut it to one game. I can also cut my cell bill again by $40 if I just don’t use the damn thing. Right now I use it at work and when I’m driving to and from work because when I’m home I don’t want to be on the phone, I want to be in game. But the $47 from the reduced expenses n game that I’ll save plus the $44 I can save on my phone gives me almost $100 a month that I can save. NOT pay other bills with, but save… I have no money. No savings, and no retirement. It’s funny at a meeting at the company I was with the longest (Telecomm Industries) they had a retirement planner there and I remember then at the age of 25 or so laughing that I didn’t need to plan for retirement. Now I’m 34 and have nothing. I have roughly (according to old standards) 21 years with which to save enough money to live the rest of my life on. Yea. Right.
Additionally through some knowledge received recently I discovered that I’m a total loser (and don’t knock me on this assessment when you read this folks). I’m 34 and have NOTHING to show for the years I’ve worked. People younger than me have far more than me. Without going into details I just know I suck basically (and yes this is the reason for my depression last night… the realization that you suck isn’t an easy pill to swallow). I realize that I only suck in this one area, at least for right now, but I am talking majorly sucking here…. I need to get my act together.
The fastest easiest way to get a large amount of money together would be to sell all my crap and move in with my mother. BAM instant $850/month saved from not having to pay rent. But I have to wonder is it worth it? Is my sanity worth $850/month? That’s where I’m at today.
I finally understand why Militis was so much into sleeping. He said dreams are far better than the real world. I fought him tooth and nail for a long time on that one. I think in some measure I get it now. I think perhaps I was so tired because I was so depressed. Money always depresses me, but it’s the things that I can’t mention here that weigh on my heart that depress me.
We all have a shadow self, and that shadow self includes a shadow heart. In this heart the things we live that perhaps we wouldn’t live or do in waking reality reside. This is the place you go when you rationalize an action and reduce it from it’s “Omg, this isn’t acceptable” status to “Well it’s ok if this, and this, and this”. This is the comfort zone you find in an action that you tolerate, allow, accept. Even though you go here, you still have to continually justify it to your waking self. This is the part of you that is aware that what you’re doing is wrong, if not for others, but even just for you. This is the part that says, you’re worth more, you deserve more… This part continually looks into the shadow heart you live in and pokes at you saying “Hey, I’m talking here, are you listening?” I’ve become quite adept at tuning that voice out, but even with the skills I have sometimes an echo persists ringing against my brain.
What I allow to happen to myself for whatever reason is wrong. It may LOOK like the bright light that I wish it to be, but it is an illusion because behind that light is the truth. That what I allow is in the end demeaning because it lacks the weight of reality.
I’ll leave it at that for now.
Random Poetry comin atcha
What I want to be right is derived from what is wrong
The orb of beauty contained over my dream is simply a weak barrier
That any touch will dissolve, revealing reality
It feels so right, It REALLY feels right
I want it to be right
But it’s wrong.
Truth hits hardest when you accept it…
©SKW
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Boredom breeds philosophy... Watch out!
So I sit here today at work, horribly bored. I have a few items on my plate today but nothing big nor time consuming. I’m listening to people behind me talk and I’m wondering what I’m doing with my life. It seems to come down to this all the time you know? Sometimes I feel like I need to wake up. But I don’t know what I’d wake up to so I go back to sleep you know? Lol
Ok that’s enough philosophy today.
Tuesday is just like any other day but it’s a day of firsts traditionally for me. On a Tuesday in November of 2001 I quit smoking. I don’t know how I did it, but I did. Surprisingly I’m still not smoking. You want to know my reason for quitting smoking? It’s a laugh really. Nothing as grand as
“I should quit smoking because I have a heart condition”
Or
“I should quit smoking because it will KILL me”
No, not for me. I quit smoking because of two things. I couldn’t sing as well as I used to and I was wheezing at night. * laughs * . Can you believe that? I remember how I quit to though I don’t know why it worked. I remember for a week beforehand I spoke an affirmation that I had seen on a stack of “Goddess Cards” that I had purchased. It said simply “My Willpower is greater than that of my bad habits”. I said that every chance I thought of it, even while I smoked on my breaks. Sometimes I said it quietly, sometimes softly out loud and I laughed at myself when I did it. I also took a multi vitamin everyday and a couple of Herbal supplements (St. John’s Wort, Ginko etc). And at night I took a melatonin at about 9pm every night and went to bed by 11 every night. In the mornings I read a card a day and wrote down each thing though I don’t know if they applied to me or not in my endeavor. I still have them. Then on Tuesday, the day I was scheduled to quit I was so eager, I quit 6 hours earlier than planned.
I had a fit of crying one night where I was a raving bitch lol. But that’s all. It lasted maybe two hours. It felt to me then, as if I were a NON smoker, dreaming about having a desire to smoke. Weird eh? I’ve always had a goal to quit smoking by the time I was 32. I quit when I was 30.
I’ve not once since then had the same conviction or ambition to succeed at something even though I have the wishes and desire for me to do things. What on earth gave me this conviction? I mean I even devised a regimen designed to help me… I need that conviction now.
I’ve started today with the affirmation again. While I don’t need the melatonin at this time (I go to bed now by 10pm usually) I’m going to start the vitamins again. I don’t FEEL the conviction in me. I hope that by going through the motions I will get to that point again.
I hope so.
Ok that’s enough philosophy today.
Tuesday is just like any other day but it’s a day of firsts traditionally for me. On a Tuesday in November of 2001 I quit smoking. I don’t know how I did it, but I did. Surprisingly I’m still not smoking. You want to know my reason for quitting smoking? It’s a laugh really. Nothing as grand as
“I should quit smoking because I have a heart condition”
Or
“I should quit smoking because it will KILL me”
No, not for me. I quit smoking because of two things. I couldn’t sing as well as I used to and I was wheezing at night. * laughs * . Can you believe that? I remember how I quit to though I don’t know why it worked. I remember for a week beforehand I spoke an affirmation that I had seen on a stack of “Goddess Cards” that I had purchased. It said simply “My Willpower is greater than that of my bad habits”. I said that every chance I thought of it, even while I smoked on my breaks. Sometimes I said it quietly, sometimes softly out loud and I laughed at myself when I did it. I also took a multi vitamin everyday and a couple of Herbal supplements (St. John’s Wort, Ginko etc). And at night I took a melatonin at about 9pm every night and went to bed by 11 every night. In the mornings I read a card a day and wrote down each thing though I don’t know if they applied to me or not in my endeavor. I still have them. Then on Tuesday, the day I was scheduled to quit I was so eager, I quit 6 hours earlier than planned.
I had a fit of crying one night where I was a raving bitch lol. But that’s all. It lasted maybe two hours. It felt to me then, as if I were a NON smoker, dreaming about having a desire to smoke. Weird eh? I’ve always had a goal to quit smoking by the time I was 32. I quit when I was 30.
I’ve not once since then had the same conviction or ambition to succeed at something even though I have the wishes and desire for me to do things. What on earth gave me this conviction? I mean I even devised a regimen designed to help me… I need that conviction now.
I’ve started today with the affirmation again. While I don’t need the melatonin at this time (I go to bed now by 10pm usually) I’m going to start the vitamins again. I don’t FEEL the conviction in me. I hope that by going through the motions I will get to that point again.
I hope so.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Who wants to Live Forever?
So I took this test today….
What kind of a kisser are you?
I scored 88% romantic kisser. I LOVE to kiss. I could kiss for hours, just touching the other persons arm, stroking their cheek, holding tight. I know of expected this answer heh.
The surprising test I took was the Harry Potter Alter Ego one. I came out 75% Ron Weasley and 70% Albus Dumbledore! Woot Muse power!
So I sat and stared at this blank screen for a good half hour before I started writing today. Crony is in today and she’s sitting behind me typing away. I’m tired, having only gotten about 8 hours sleep the entire weekend. Friday night was nice. Being on air until 4am lol, it’s been a LONG time since I did that. Then Saturday was nice too. Made some new friends in game (Something I love to do). Sunday around 12 noon got sick, and was sick the ENTIRE rest of the day. Now today I’m just tired. That pretty much sums up the weekend in a nutshell.
Oh and I apologize if I was short with anyone yesterday. When you’re in pain for any amount of time your temper is a bit short… I don’t think I hurt anyone’s feelings but if I did I’m sorry.
I wrote a poem yesterday, my first in about two months. I put it in my bio. Three people read it. Then I changed my bio back to what it was … forgetting to save the poem * frown *. Bye bye poem…
Maybe I’ll write more later… for now talk to you all soon.
What kind of a kisser are you?
I scored 88% romantic kisser. I LOVE to kiss. I could kiss for hours, just touching the other persons arm, stroking their cheek, holding tight. I know of expected this answer heh.
The surprising test I took was the Harry Potter Alter Ego one. I came out 75% Ron Weasley and 70% Albus Dumbledore! Woot Muse power!
So I sat and stared at this blank screen for a good half hour before I started writing today. Crony is in today and she’s sitting behind me typing away. I’m tired, having only gotten about 8 hours sleep the entire weekend. Friday night was nice. Being on air until 4am lol, it’s been a LONG time since I did that. Then Saturday was nice too. Made some new friends in game (Something I love to do). Sunday around 12 noon got sick, and was sick the ENTIRE rest of the day. Now today I’m just tired. That pretty much sums up the weekend in a nutshell.
Oh and I apologize if I was short with anyone yesterday. When you’re in pain for any amount of time your temper is a bit short… I don’t think I hurt anyone’s feelings but if I did I’m sorry.
I wrote a poem yesterday, my first in about two months. I put it in my bio. Three people read it. Then I changed my bio back to what it was … forgetting to save the poem * frown *. Bye bye poem…
Maybe I’ll write more later… for now talk to you all soon.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Today all things are possible...
Today all things are possible.
That’s my mantra today. I went to bed last night at 10:30 or so. I literally logged off, quitting out so I wouldn’t get stuck in conversation. Then I went straight to bed. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to sleep, but I did almost instantly fall asleep. I dreamed last night too. That’s rare for me. I dreamt I was traveling, though I don’t know where or why. I dreamt that Abin and Nojahele were with me. I dreamt that we were a tight knit group on the plane, and that we were all enjoying ourselves. I must miss those guys… I haven’t talked to them in a long time.
For all my talk of loneliness, today for the first time in a long time I don’t feel alone in real life. Today I got to share with someone the mutual visions of what life would be like if we were a couple. It was awesome. Without saying a word we knew that the things we would want to do were similar. So for now, I’m enjoying that today right this moment, I don’t feel alone. It’s a joyous feeling.
It could be also that I got a good amount of sleep. As Tony (Nyyrikki in game for those of you that know him) so aptly reminded me, “Sleep does that doesn’t it sis?” I think it’s time for me to par down my onine games and choose where my online home will be until it either changes because of a new game, or change because of a new relationship. I’m having a tough time with this because I do like wow and the people that play it. But I just can’t afford swg and wow and tso. At this point I can’t get rid of TSO… so it comes down to wow and swg. Right now I’m having so much fun in swg. I rarely if ever log into wow and that’s only to check email and say hello to a few people. I feel bad if I cancel either one because I have so many people in both that I enjoy seeing. But I think it’s time to get this online addiction under control. Even if I cancel one, I still have TSO, either swg or wow, There, Guild Wars… plus the radio and website.
I’ll have to choose soon. For now, I must go both crony and Sharon are in, and Sharon is going on vacation AGAIN this time for a full week * sigh*. And they’re going to dock my pay for sick time with as much as Sharon is gone? OH that’s right she owns the company forget setting an example right? Whatever…
Today all things are possible… * breathe *
That’s my mantra today. I went to bed last night at 10:30 or so. I literally logged off, quitting out so I wouldn’t get stuck in conversation. Then I went straight to bed. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to sleep, but I did almost instantly fall asleep. I dreamed last night too. That’s rare for me. I dreamt I was traveling, though I don’t know where or why. I dreamt that Abin and Nojahele were with me. I dreamt that we were a tight knit group on the plane, and that we were all enjoying ourselves. I must miss those guys… I haven’t talked to them in a long time.
For all my talk of loneliness, today for the first time in a long time I don’t feel alone in real life. Today I got to share with someone the mutual visions of what life would be like if we were a couple. It was awesome. Without saying a word we knew that the things we would want to do were similar. So for now, I’m enjoying that today right this moment, I don’t feel alone. It’s a joyous feeling.
It could be also that I got a good amount of sleep. As Tony (Nyyrikki in game for those of you that know him) so aptly reminded me, “Sleep does that doesn’t it sis?” I think it’s time for me to par down my onine games and choose where my online home will be until it either changes because of a new game, or change because of a new relationship. I’m having a tough time with this because I do like wow and the people that play it. But I just can’t afford swg and wow and tso. At this point I can’t get rid of TSO… so it comes down to wow and swg. Right now I’m having so much fun in swg. I rarely if ever log into wow and that’s only to check email and say hello to a few people. I feel bad if I cancel either one because I have so many people in both that I enjoy seeing. But I think it’s time to get this online addiction under control. Even if I cancel one, I still have TSO, either swg or wow, There, Guild Wars… plus the radio and website.
I’ll have to choose soon. For now, I must go both crony and Sharon are in, and Sharon is going on vacation AGAIN this time for a full week * sigh*. And they’re going to dock my pay for sick time with as much as Sharon is gone? OH that’s right she owns the company forget setting an example right? Whatever…
Today all things are possible… * breathe *
Monday, October 03, 2005
Fear...
Fear is always a good starter of all sorts of negativity.
Let’s say you invite someone who’s nice, well liked, but going through some trouble to a party. This is a party YOU’RE hosting. You’ve put a ton of effort into it because a lot of new friends that you’re not necessarily trying to impress but that you really like, are going to be there. You invite this friend because you think they could use a break and enjoy some honest to goodness fun…
The party gets underway and your friend has taken to the festivities like a duck in water, fluidly making the rounds, meeting people. You smile because you’re happy they’re happy. Then you notice this friend gluing themselves (or so it seems) to people you were developing a friendship with. A little odd you think, but you move on…
Then over the course of the next few days you see this friend all over with this other friend and what’s more you’re hearing rumors about this friend’s involvement with a few other people.
As a friend this activity bothers you, even just the mention of it… This is so because of a few reasons…
- You invited them. People that met them see this person as someone YOU associate with. The behavior you’re hearing about is not something you’d expect your friend to do, and while it’s their choice to do so, YOU invited them and now those actions may be impressed upon you.
- This friend is so comfortable that they take things that were done for them, created for them, and decide they want to do something different. IN their minds something better for the thing that was created for them. While this in and of itself is not a problem they don’t even THINK to ask you or worry about how YOU might feel that they take what YOU made for them and redo it entirely as if what you did didn’t matter at all.
- You never thought your friend would do the things you’re hearing about, indeed never thought them to do (see above) something like that. You’ve been accustomed to having great amounts of respect for this person so these behaviors real or not, are a shock.
- You’re afraid, that this paradise you’ve found will be taken from you as it’s riddled with underlying drama, the current of which is already strengthening.
The baseline for all this is fear. Why can’t you just be happy for your friend? So what if they want to do whatever with their time and with whomever they want. It’s because you’re afraid. Afraid they’re encroaching on your territory which you let them into.
The end result of this is hurt feelings, distrust, dislike, and brooding resentment.
What does a person do about this? How does one get past this so that there is no tension, dissension, distrust, or resulting sadness…?
SO today is Monday again. That song “This is your life, are you who you want to be” keeps going through my head. I have no clue who I want to be. Five years ago I would have said a career woman. Three years ago, I would have said a writer. Now I say I just want to be a happy person but I don’t know what that happiness is…
I envision being with someone. Like, learning the RIGHT way to have a relationship the foundation of which is strong. But I’m afraid because I’m SO addicted to the online world that I would shatter that. Go outside and meet people you say? Easy for you to say. My opinion of myself at this point is so low that I can’t even look in the mirror at myself anymore. I know the people that read this faithfully are going to say stuff like “You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful on the inside” etc etc and I thank them for saying it, and meaning it. But it’s not enough. I know I’m beautiful on the inside. I may not feel it all the time, but I know I am.
Most people don’t see the inside. At least they don’t look there first. There is an excellent quote about this from the movie “Sex, Lies, and Videotape”
“Men love the women they’re attracted to, and Women are attracted to the men they love.”
So true. In fact I was talking with someone the other day and I asked them as we were talking about relationships and such and the dynamics of them. I said, “Do you like big women?” and the answer I received was “How Big”. Maybe I’m judging too harshly but I was very upset by that comment. I think the correct answer in MY opinion should have been, I like who my heart has love for. Or something like that…
But I digress, who do I want to be…that was the question I was asking wasn’t it?
My answer is, I have no idea. I’m 34 and I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.
Random Poetry comin atcha
Wings flutter beating wildly against my caged heart
Free now, as the door swings open to soar
You lift me, your breath is the breeze that carries me
Your song my guide, the lighthouse in my storm
Higher, higher I fly fearing nothing your eyes in my sights
Your mouth moving, speaking
What?I didn’t hear you
I falter and fall slightly
“No please” I cry, “catch me….”
Not believing your words I implore you
Speak again…
Without batting a lash, your truth uttered
Skies swirl with angry tempests blocking the sun
The downburst of wind against my back knocking me
Spiraling, falling, no breeze to catch me
I thought you were different
The ground looms closer
My wings broken, my song dead, my voice gone
Tears land first shattering like the dreams I carried in me
Fractured…
© SKW
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