Fear...

Fear is always a good starter of all sorts of negativity.

Let’s say you invite someone who’s nice, well liked, but going through some trouble to a party.  This is a party YOU’RE hosting.  You’ve put a ton of effort into it because a lot of new friends that you’re not necessarily trying to impress but that you really like, are going to be there.  You invite this friend because you think they could use a break and enjoy some honest to goodness fun…

The party gets underway and your friend has taken to the festivities like a duck in water, fluidly making the rounds, meeting people.  You smile because you’re happy they’re happy.  Then you notice this friend gluing themselves (or so it seems) to people you were developing a friendship with.  A little odd you think, but you move on…

Then over the course of the next few days you see this friend all over with this other friend and what’s more you’re hearing rumors about this friend’s involvement with a few other people.  

As a friend this activity bothers you, even just the mention of it… This is so because of a few reasons…

1. You invited them.  People that met them see this person as someone YOU associate with.  The behavior you’re hearing about is not something you’d expect your friend to do, and while it’s their choice to do so, YOU invited them and now those actions may be impressed upon you.


2. This friend is so comfortable that they take things that were done for them, created for them, and decide they want to do something different.  IN their minds something better for the thing that was created for them.  While this in and of itself is not a problem they don’t even THINK to ask you or worry about how YOU might feel that they take what YOU made for them and redo it entirely as if what you did didn’t matter at all.


3. You never thought your friend would do the things you’re hearing about, indeed never thought them to do (see above) something like that.  You’ve been accustomed to having great amounts of respect for this person so these behaviors real or not, are a shock.


4. You’re afraid, that this paradise you’ve found will be taken from you as it’s riddled with underlying drama, the current of which is already strengthening.

The baseline for all this is fear.  Why can’t you just be happy for your friend?  So what if they want to do whatever with their time and with whomever they want.  It’s because you’re afraid.  Afraid they’re encroaching on your territory which you let them into.

The end result of this is hurt feelings, distrust, dislike, and brooding resentment.  

What does a person do about this?  How does one get past this so that there is no tension, dissension, distrust, or resulting sadness…?








SO today is Monday again.  That song “This is your life, are you who you want to be” keeps going through my head.  I have no clue who I want to be.  Five years ago I would have said a career woman.  Three years ago, I would have said a writer.  Now I say I just want to be a happy person but I don’t know what that happiness is…  

I envision being with someone.  Like, learning the RIGHT way to have a relationship the foundation of which is strong.  But I’m afraid because I’m SO addicted to the online world that I would shatter that.  Go outside and meet people you say?  Easy for you to say.  My opinion of myself at this point is so low that I can’t even look in the mirror at myself anymore.  I know the people that read this faithfully are going to say stuff like “You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful on the inside” etc etc and I thank them for saying it, and meaning it.  But it’s not enough.  I know I’m beautiful on the inside.  I may not feel it all the time, but I know I am.

Most people don’t see the inside.  At least they don’t look there first.  There is an excellent quote about this from the movie “Sex, Lies, and Videotape”

“Men love the women they’re attracted to, and Women are attracted to the men they love.”

So true.  In fact I was talking with someone the other day and I asked them as we were talking about relationships and such and the dynamics of them.  I said, “Do you like big women?” and the answer I received was “How Big”.  Maybe I’m judging too harshly but I was very upset by that comment.  I think the correct answer in MY opinion should have been, I like who my heart has love for. Or something like that…

But I digress, who do I want to be…that was the question I was asking wasn’t it?  

My answer is, I have no idea.  I’m 34 and I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.  

Random Poetry comin atcha
Wings flutter beating wildly against my caged heart
Free now, as the door swings open to soar
You lift me, your breath is the breeze that carries me
Your song my guide, the lighthouse in my storm
Higher, higher I fly fearing nothing your eyes in my sights
Your mouth moving, speaking
What?I didn’t hear you
I falter and fall slightly
“No please” I cry, “catch me….”
Not believing your words I implore you
Speak again…
Without batting a lash, your truth uttered
Skies swirl with angry tempests blocking the sun
The downburst of wind against my back knocking me
Spiraling, falling, no breeze to catch me
I thought you were different
The ground looms closer
My wings broken, my song dead, my voice gone
Tears land first shattering like the dreams I carried in me
Fractured…
© SKW