LONG post... been a couple of days

Been a couple of days since I posted….

You know it’s funny what we base our friendship on, and what our friendship rides on throughout the course of our friendship….  For instance in game, we base our friendships on our compatability and how often we are there for each other in game.  For some friendships this goes out of game to message boards too where we’re known by a “personality”.  When this “personality” seems different than what we’ve come to expect then instant issue… strife…It’s different online.  Even though you may not see this person in real life you do see them nearly every day in an immersive online environment.  Thus the friendship suffers the same pitfalls as a real friendship does, but quicker and more painfully if you live in this immersive online world as most gamers do.  

For me it’s when people don’t back me that’s a problem.  I meet and know sooooooooo many people.  I love the friends I meet.  Even those that don’t become close personal friends.  Each person brings something different to the table… A different flavor in a perfectly crafted meal of variety.  But just like an onion with it’s multiple layers each one of those friends rests somewhere in between the acquaintance world, and the core of who I am.  

The people in the core, whether I have seen them in real life or not are people who know things about me in real life.  Some of those people even know my financial information or some of it.  I’m not here to debate whether that’s risky or not, but I emphasize it as a point.  I TRUST these people to safeguard my information and my emotions much more than others.  For those people who are in the core…. Having a different opinion than me on something can happen.  But what I EXPECT from those people is that in the interest of safeguarding each other’s feelings, unless it’s a personal slander or issue that cuases them harm, I expect they would back me verbally in general public.  I also expect that if they didn’t agree they would either keep quiet if it’s a high tense situation (such as in game drama) or say they disagree, and leave it at that without slandering me to people.  See even those people who are in the core who have excellent communication with me are only there BECAUSE they have this.  Most people online don’t have this… they don’t look beyond the written text.  THESE people do and thus they are in that select group of core friends.  

So then, what do you do when one of them hurts you with a quickly spoken word that while it may have truth for them, has resounding bad vibes for me?


People can be asses online.  I expect that.  People who are asses are going to live up to that expectation of being… well… an ass.  But I expect my friends to NOT be so.  So if an ass hurts me, ok I’ll cry, but I’ll get over it and realize they’re just an ass.  But if a friend hurts me, it wounds me more than any ass could possibly hope to do.  These type of wounds can be repaired, but they must be done so quickly and with excellent communication.  I hope that the friendship that has been put under this stress can be fixed quickly.  Last night was a good start to fixing it, but what happened… happened and trust has been lost.  I can’t count on this person to safeguard my feelings, at least not right away.  

I’ve closed several role playing things I had going on in game.  I will only reopen them if people express interest in them.  I don’t mind sticking my neck out and starting something even if people aren’t interested.  But when there is strife I just don’t care to reach out like that.  Usually I only pull my hand back as it’s stinging from being slapped.  

Words can never be retracted…ever.  Remember that and think before you speak (I’m guilty of this as well and I promise today and hopefully everyday to try and be better at this too).



On the home front, I have been looking for an apartment again.  I’ve gotten a few leads from the local papers and one right here in Willowbrook.  It doesn’t have a washer/dryer in the apartment though ( and no hook ups for it, but they do take dogs with only a $200 deposit and no pet rent…  There are two washers/dryers in the basement of each building but there are 16 units to a building… the ratio is crappy.  However there is a Laundromat right next door.  Do I want to get quarters again and lug laundry to a Laundromat again?  * sigh *  I don’t think so, even if it means I get mushu back (  It would have to be an AMAZING apartment and community to make me change my mind…  We’ll see

I have a few other places I’m going to look at too.  They’re in the surrounding area.  I’m sure I wont have a problem breaking my lease given what’s happened lately… but I would prefer not to for several reasons (trust me I want out as much as the next person but I have to be practical).  If I wait I have no problems with my credit with them since I wont have broken my lease.  Plus I’ll have some money saved for movers so I wont have to bother my mother again.  I really want to get a maid service when I leave my apartment no matter when that is, to deep clean the place.  And with a move right now I certainly can’t afford that either.  Plus if I leave now I leave my neighbors who have been so nice to me (the people above me) with an uncertain future as they wont know who’s coming in.  I’ve become the poster child for a community watch program in our area and if I leave they have no one example as someone who will speak up…  

On the love front, I’m still single and alone.  I’m beginning to think that will never change.  

On a totally separate note, I hate that I can’t look at someone else and NOT compare myself.  I know I’m a bit low on self esteem so I expect the twinge of “oh you’re ugly” especially when I see someone who’s beautiful.  But when it’s someone that in some measure I’m in competition with (I will not elaborate on this), it’s like a mac truck hitting me knocking the breath out of me.. it’s like “DAMN she’s beautiful” and then… “and then there’s me”.  I don’t want responses to this entry about how everyone loves me or thinks I’m beautiful or that I have a beautiful soul.  I’m not writing this part of this entry to elicit that response.  I’m simply telling you how I feel.  When I feel like this, I can understand why I’m still alone.  While that’s cryptic, those that know my situation will understand what I say this for, and why…

I’ve cancelled wow.  I’m probably going to cancel my second swg account.  Since what I had planned to do with Melpomene is probably not going to happen now, there is no need for two accounts.  I can drop musician on Caliope and take up architect so I can build and replace as I see fit.  Tonight I’ll transfer mel’s properties to cal just in case I do this.  Plus canceling a second account would save me money.  I recently got an email that I’m accepted to the beta of Dark and Light, a new MMO.  My beta starts in November.  I believe a few friends will be there as well so I won’t be totally alone.  

Oh my god, a HUGE thank you to shaun and his family!  They sent me a box of lindt chocolate truffles and a pumpkin filled with MORE truffles!  It was so sweet, I got them yesterday and somehow managed to not eat the entire package :P  The card said , Hope these treats keep the tricks away… it was just so nice.  Thank you so much you guys and I LOVE YOU * hug *

What else what else….I guess that’s it for now… ciao