The depths of lonliness

Each day is a journey in struggle for me with regards to this cancer scare. It's worse on Sunday nights like tonight when I know that technically I go back to the land of cancer and statistics, surgery, and options in a matter of hours. It turns me into the petulant child begging for 30 more minutes staving off the vestiges of sleep and dreams as I did before going back to school on a monday.

On the weekends I live in a place where I don't have cancer, never did sometimes (least it feels that way). I have friends online who don't even speak of my cancer (unless I bring it up). I have a house to myself where I don't have someone pressing for more information about diagnosis or pushing me to make phone calls or get ready for the next day.

~*~

First, forgive me the haphazard smattering of thoughts here, it's 9:30pm as I write this and for the first time this weekend the tears have flown freely with regards to this, which is a change.... Usually they're expressed in solitude after all the folks who repeat the mantras "It will be fine, you'll be fine, the surgery is the best bet, you can get a handle on this, it is what it is" and the best one "You just have to deal with it" have left my side so I can be alone with my grief.

Please do not think me ungrateful for the well wishes and positivity. I would be in far worse shape without them, I know this.

~*~

But I know right now at 9:35pm as I sit here, that I feel so alone. Worries of the surgery, the complications, the healing, the life after surgery are upon me. Sadness that I have no one in my life to help watch over me (living with me, a partner if you will) to help take care of me, adds to the cauldron of emotions that threaten to bubble over if unmanaged. I know people try to understand. But as I noticed on Saturday while at brunch with wonderfully close friends especially as I reached out outside the car window when we said goodbye, reaching to touch her once more as my car began to drive away, wanting that contact once again just how truly scared I was and how deeply alone I truly feel.

I've never been one to sit at a table of friends and not have something to contribute. I listened, I shared, I smiled, but I sat alone with my own issues. I had a great time but there was this part of me that couldn't express what one who's never been through this would understand.

It was ok, I went home and prepared again to dive into my seclusion, my place of safety...

And then I got an infection at 1am.

The last day of my weekend of freedom was torn apart by a rather common nasty infection that had me at the immediate care and yet again spending money I didn't have on doctor's visits and prescriptions. The only good moment was that these doctors were so kind, and so genuinely concerned for me. They took so much time to talk to me it brought me to tears on more than one occasion.

Then I went home to try and reclaim my escape... but I couldn't. The bubble had been burst and the truth lay before me as starkly as if it were presented naked on a silver platter.

I dont even know why I'm posting this, it's very personal, and infused with such emotion.

~*~

Along with life, there are highs and lows. Along with major events, there are extreme highs and extreme lows. I think I posted this because tomorrow I'll wake up and find an affirmation or some prayer and I'll be so moved to share it to give it to everyone that they may all use it, that I'll forget even temporarily how I feel right now, this very second. Maybe that's good, but you can't have light without the dark. And at moments like these, when I go to bed tonight looking at the starless sky, I realize that, my world has never seemed darker...and I have never felt more alone than I do right now.

Sleep well,
Muse

PS. And one last thing. I turn 35 in a few days. I know no one ever plans to be in this situation. It's not like anyone really says "Hey! When I'm 35 I want to have Cancer!", but you know what? My life wasn't supposed to be like this. Selfish? maybe... but that's how I feel right now...