Sanctuary & An Ancient Muse

"We each have the choice in any setting to step back and let go of the mind-set of scarcity. Once we let go of scarcity, we discover the surprising truth of sufficiency. By sufficiency, I don't mean a quantity of anything. Sufficiency isn't two steps up from poverty or one step short of abundance. It isn't a measure of barely enough or more than enough. Sufficiency isn't an amount at all. It is an experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, and that we are enough."  ~Lynne Twist

Quotation is taken from page 74: The Soul Of Money

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Don’t forget to light a candle… make someone’s day, offer your heart in prayer.  It takes only a moment to allow peace in.

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The path was written by the map of the tears she shed…

Velvet sands between my toes, Sapphire blue waters lapping at the shore, Fresh salt air all around…  There is nothing quite like the sanctuary I’ve held near and dear to me for some time now.  It is a very special place reserved for only those who posses the ability to see without sight, hear without sound, and touch with only their heart.  I’ve been blessed in my life to share it with three thus far.  Many know of it, but only these three have been party to the intimate descriptions and feelings that are shared when this place is spoken about.  

There is some kind of magic that hangs suspended on every word when I breathe about it in spoken reality.  I do not understand it myself.  My skeptical nature (yes believe it or not I am!) tells me I’m full of it sometimes, but how can one have this beauty inside and “Feel” it and “See” it and experience all that it has to offer simply on a planted visualization?  How then? If not magic?

I am stuck today in that place, that sanctuary.  My heart is heavy and missing those I have shared it with, but it is a bittersweet sadness, because I know they are there whenever I need them.  They’re in my heart, where the sanctuary resides.  The map of which is written only in the stories that tears carry, spoken in the quiet whispers as they brush across my face.  Each teardrop slipping, sliding down my cheek carries with it the emotions and expressions of each moment shared, or dreamt of.  

I reside there today, in the sanctuary because it is my peace.  

When I’m there today, I’ll lay the blanket down over the velvety sands and sit warming myself as I wait for the telltale pink beach umbrella to appear telling me they’re close.  I’ll write as I can, I’ll sing every moment I can, and maybe by the time my spirit is lifted again, I’ll see them and we can hug and all will be grounded, centered and blissful again.


As an update on my condition:  I can return to work this Monday.  The infection is getting better, so is the wound, but it still needs some work.  So I can only go back part time but I can drive and go back now.  Additionally I only gained 5 pounds with the holiday and several people visiting me.  That’s pretty damn good.

And last thing.  Loreena McKennit’s New CD: An Ancient Muse is pretty damn good.  Pick it up if you like her music, it’s an intensely stirring, intoxicating brew of magic and mystery as only she can brew…

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DAILY INSPIRATION

The Understanding Underneath
Experiences With Multiple Meanings

Though we humans are self-aware, we nonetheless cannot distance ourselves from the world around us and have a natural tendency to ascribe meaning to all that we experience. The significance we perceive in our experiences is rooted in our observation of patterns as they relate to ourselves. One situation has the power to teach us about life because it exposes us to something unfamiliar. Another touches our emotions deeply by enabling us to see how fortunate we are. Yet our initial impressions of an experience may not wholly reveal the true significance of that occurrence because our full response to an experience is like an onion with many layers that all have disparate meanings. Consider that a sunrise may stun us visually while simultaneously evoking memories of childhood and reminding us that each new day is a rebirth.

If you take the time to examine your experiences closely, you will discover that your original impressions may only be a part of a larger story of significance. Peeling away the layers of an event or incident can be a fun and interesting process if you allow it. To begin, relive your experience in your mind's eye and from multiple perspectives if possible. Your interpretation of any situation is based not only on facts but also on feelings, beliefs, and your values. As you ruminate upon your experience, spend a few moments contemplating how you felt when it began and how your feelings had changed by its end. Ask yourself what abstractions, if any, it awakened in your mind. If an experience stirs up questions within your soul, it may be that in striving to answer them a new layer of meaning may reveal itself to you.

The significance of an experience may remain hidden to you for some time. The meaning of an event can change when viewed from another context or may only become apparent after intense meditation. An incident that seemed superficial may unexpectedly touch us deeply later in our lives. If you take a truly open-minded approach to your examination of each new level and do not shy away from revelations that could prove painful, you will learn much about your relationship to the world around you. And the refined impression you glean from your experiences after contemplating their significance can add a new richness and texture to your life.

Carpe Diem! (Happy Monday to you too ;)

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
-John F. Kennedy

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I begin the search in earnest this afternoon for something that I can do between now and the time when I can go back to school to reach my goal of counseling (translated: J O B). My mother wants me to go governmental for the benefits. I want to go wherever I can do something rewarding and helpful. I realize that whatever I do is temporary but it must be something fulfilling.

Life is too short for bullshit anymore for me.

I have been blessed recently (especially since my diagnosis and afterwards) with some extremely good friends, good visits, good soul food, and good times. I feel “full” of love and goodness and it is a BEAUTIFUL feeling. It’s one that leaves me with energy and passion again. I’ve begun writing again and am happy to see that. I’ve also begun singing again and as of late I’ve begun crafting too. It’s a creative time for this muse and I owe it all to the life changing event in my life and the subsequent love and help of so many.

I will utter the words of gratitude but as the wonderful John F. Kennedy says above, I will also live by them.

I stood on my balcony tonight and watched the lights, listened to the trees rustle their leaves telling their story and felt the hair brush against my face as gently as a tender love would do. I inhaled life and for the first time this day/night felt completely connected. I began to question what I wanted to do with my life while I work towards getting to the point of taking the journey to my goal.

I still have no better clue than I did an hour ago, but I am left with the knowledge deep inside me that it will work out. Something will come. I am hopeful it will be what I want, but humble enough to realize that I will with gratitude accept whatever comes my way.

Carpe Diem folks.

And at the start of a Monday typically reserved for bleary eyes, full coffee cups, and long hours, I will seize the day; even the moment if I have to, and I will remember the life I have… And look upon it with joy.

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DAILY INSPIRATION
Thought this was apropos for us blogger types ;)

Mapping The Inner Journey
Journaling As Meditation
Courtesy of DailyOM

Of the countless forms of meditation we can use, journaling offers its own unique benefits. Most meditations help empty the mind of concerns and bring positive ideas from our mental landscape, but journaling helps us anchor that experience in the material world. Not every person is attracted to meditating in seated silence, and journal meditation is a nice alternative as an active meditation. It allows us to trace our journey and see where we have grown and what lessons we may be repeating. By employing a different part of the brain than creative or inspired thought, writing or typing a journal can create a greater sense of connection and union with our physical selves and the world around us.

In working through challenges, it can be helpful to first empty all worries from our heads onto the safe pages of our journal. Fears can be brought to light rather than allowing them to haunt the dark corners of our subconscious. We may even feel heaviness dissipate once our heads are free from clutter, leaving space for inspiration and the creation of positive images in their place. Often in the process of writing out all the details of an event that troubles us, something that had been forgotten will come to the surface, providing a missing piece of the puzzle. Then we can truly begin to come up with answers, and write them down beside the worries to map the way from concern to constructive thought.

For capturing guidance and flashes of inspiration, journaling is ideal. This is especially true in the case of dreams, which often fade as we awaken. While working toward goals, keeping track of progress as well as guidance from readings or divination tools can be encouraging. Though it can be difficult to keep all of our guidance in the front of our minds, if we write it down it can serve as a reminder whenever we need it. We can also use our journals to converse with our higher selves or even the universe. Journaling offers yet another way to unburden mind and spirit, while also creating a record of the present and preserving our hopes and dreams for the future.

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WELL WISHES

May you face your day with zeal and vigor. I hope for the bleary eyes to clear quickly and your passion to be thriving. Approach what you do with joy and take joy home with you as well. Make it a great day today and everyday… This is my wish for you all today

You are a blessing to me today

XO

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AND REMEMBER

CARPE DIEM!

Carpe diem is a phrase from a Latin poem by Horace (Odes 1.11).

Tu ne quaesieris, scire nefas, quem mihi, quem tibi.
finem di dederint, Leuconoe, nec Babylonios.
temptaris numeros. ut melius, quidquid erit, pati.
seu pluris hiemes seu tribuit Iuppiter ultimam,
quae nunc oppositis el pene debilitat pumicibus mare.
Tyrrhenum: sapias, vina liques et spatio brevi
spem longam reseces. dum loquimur, fugerit invida.
aetas: carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.


Translation:
Leuconoe, don't ask--it's forbidden to know--
what end the gods will give me or you. Don't play with Babylonian
fortune-telling either. Better just deal with whatever comes your way.
Whether you'll see several more winters or whether the last one
Juppiter gives you is the one even now pelting the rocks on the shore with the waves
of the Tyrrhenian sea--be smart, drink your wine. Scale back your long hopes
to a short period. Even as we speak, envious time
is running away from us. Seize the day, and trust as little as possible in the future

The Magic of the Season

“…And with a flick of a switch, Christmas was here.”

As far back as I can remember, Christmas has been much more than a season of candied apples and sparkling gifts to me. Christmas to me carries the memories of Cinnamon apples, sweet scents of pine, and the complete and total feeling of warmth, the ENTIRE season.

It’s not quite unlike looking into a snowglobe of a little village, shaking it up and seeing the lazy snowflakes fall while the warm ligts in the houses beckon to your sense of comfort begging you to … stay.

Christmas has been for me a part of my soul. As a child when the turbulent times of fear attacked me even after I was safely adopted by my mother, many things would soothe my mind. Christmas was one of those things. I lack the intelligent use of words enough to convey to you just HOW much the warmth of Christmas, it’s lights, it’s scents, the family feel, etc is as much as part of me as the blood that flows through me.

It’s more than just the basics of the season too, it’s the time when just about EVERYONE opens their heart. On Christmas eve, if you shut your eyes, and open your heart feeling with the soft touches of hope you can feel so many other people reaching too. It’s a wondrous thing to be a part of.

Since my divorce and even some time before then, I “turned” Christmas off. I reasoned that it took too long to put the decorations up, too much effort to put them away, too much time to create gifts as opposed to buying them, etc. Christmas became commercial to me so much so that the cocoa I drank lost it’s taste. When you do things in your life, you sometimes do not know the deep impact that your choices will make. I had no clue just how dead I really was with respect to this, until the flick of the switch yesterday.

Arandar, a friend of mine who has come to see me again over the holiday enjoyed the wondrous food that can ONLY be a part of Thanksgiving. We shared food, laughs, and conversation. And at the end of the night when we came back to my house, with a frivolity reserved for children we attacked the closet that has housed my dusty Christmas items. We got over zealous and pulled quite a bit of things out most of them things I would not put up in an apartment (simply for lack of space) but it was fun anyway. We pulled out the brightly colored ribbons of gold and burgundy and spread them on the couch. Then we found the bags of poinsettias used to decorate my big tree, and inside the child in me oooh’d and ahhhh’d over the glitter. We found BAGS of miniature and not so miniature ornaments that were specifically for use on my various trees.

At one point we stopped and looked and realized we had way too much out and decided against putting out my entire Christmas village, or decorating every window with lights, etc. In the end after all was said and done we placed a gold runner on my dining room table, and placed atop the table a small tree. We strung a single strand of lights around it and placed a few decorative dishes near that as well. Simple decorations really but important nonetheless.

Then…we turned the switch on.

Standing there in quiet awe the child in me leapt in joy, the adult in me sighed contentedly, and my spirit donned a Christmas outfit of cheer. The twinkling lights shone brightly in the darkened night casting out any shadows or leftover despair of any sort. The moment was unblemished by any noise save for the breaths we took quietly while standing there looking at that tiny little tree.

I had simply forgotten, what those warm lights on that little tree had to tell me. But standing there watching that tree, I remembered. And for the first time since the loss of the life I knew so long ago, since the beginning of the loneliness that had crept in becoming a permanent resident in my heart, and the finality of the changes in my life back in 2003, I felt Christmas warmth flood into me again. I didn’t feel the weight of my surgery or my depression. I was all at once aware of the precious life I had been given back, the sadness over what I had lost and humbled by the importance of it all. And somewhere along the way through this journey of emotions, hope took up residence. I stood quietly and after a moment I whispered a thank you to Arandar, my voice quiet like a child not speaking loudly for fear of breaking the spell that had been cast. I allowed myself to fully soak in the moment a bit longer and thanked him again for giving me back Christmas.

Today, I’ve opened the cocoa container, and loaded up some Christmas tunes. I’ll avoid the day after thanksgiving shoppers traffic instead heading to Mrs. Virgo’s house and partake of a second thanksgiving (not forgetting the holiday of thanksgiving that has just passed). I will celebrate that with her family and our mutual friends and I will look forward to coming home to my brightly lit Christmas tree… I will allow the love of the season to wash over me everyday reminding me that with a simple flick of the switch, the magic of Christmas was back and that hope lives on.

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WELL WISHES

May you find the moment within you that brings forth your inner child or rejuvenates your senses and brings about warmth. May your memories smell of apples and cinnamon even faintly, just enough to help you remember. May your heart as always be open, but may you also reach out and feel others opening and be receptive to that. May today whatever your endeavors entail be a day of purpose, happiness, and at the end of it… peace. May your cider always be warm and your hugs warmer still. And quietly slipping in unnoticed so that you too awaken to the sense of it overtaking you, may you be open to the spirit of Christmas, the magic of the season. May it be the bearer of hope that gives you reason to smile brighter.

You are a blessing to me today.

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ONE LAST THING
I’ve begun working on ATC’s recently, and with the event of Christmas returning, I’ve begun making themed cards. Should you find an interest within yourself of having one of these, you need only email me your information. If you do not know what an ATC is, well here then is a link, and here, and here…

:)

Connectedness & The gift of friendship

"Seeing beauty is about broadening our ability to recognize the interconnectedness of all manifestations of life and delighting in how the smells and sounds and tastes and sights that surround us conspire to draw us toward living fully." ~Oriah Mountain Dreamer
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There is no hope or joy except in human relations. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. ~Albert Einstein

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I sit here now, typing this blog post while Aussie_Male is walking about my apartment. There is no greater feeling than having met a friend face to face. Today’s quotes are so apropos for the feeling of interconnectedness, reaching out to others, and helping others.

I’ve met quite a few people from the “online world” recently and since 2002. I’ve been lucky that those I have met have been of good character and in most cases, good moral fiber. I’m blessed for the connections I have made from a world of anonymity that supports indifference.

When being around others with love in my life, I fill with love and am able to get love back out to others. Being around Arandar two weeks ago, being around Aussie_male right now, and always being around or near (via visit or phone) Mrs. B in AZ, Mrs. Virgo, Kami, Shaun, Barbara, Sacred Suzie, Jules and so many others has been a HUGE source of inspiration for me. It’s what makes my day and gives me love to again, give out to others.

I know we all have our own lives and we lead them in the manner we see fit, but just taking the few moments each day as possible to interact even via this blog can really impart a sense of connection. Today and coming up on the American holiday of Thanksgiving, I am going to spend the week in meditation and prayer as I see fit, giving thanks for all those who’ve come across my path and especially for those who have remained a permanent part of it.

I give thanks today for each one of you. I give thanks every day for each one of you. I give thanks today for my life, for my health, for all the things that make this day sunny and beautiful. I give thanks to Jessie for opening my eyes and preparing me in a sense for my path. I give thanks for so many things it would be impossible to list them.

Right now at this very moment I am thankful for Aussie_male. Having met him online just 11 months ago, I was surprised when our friendship developed almost immediately, blossoming into such a beautiful dance of trust and camaraderie. Very quickly he moved into my heart becoming one of my most trusted confidantes who became a pillar of strength for me many times before my diagnosis and especially after my diagnosis. Our friendship is one born of permanence. True friendships are hard to find, I am blessed to have found it with him. He gave me a gift when he arrived, a most beautiful book of quotations, two of which are featured above. It was a lovely gift, as it is a lovely visit.

This, coupled with other such wonderful future visits, is indeed turning out to be a wonderful start to a warm holiday season.

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DAILY INSPIRATION

Links That Last
Creating Community

Since the modern Western lifestyle can isolate us from one another, it is often difficult to forge meaningful connections. Self-protection and mistrust prevent us from reaching out to neighbors and peers, and we consequently feel like we don't truly belong anywhere. Yet creating community can be as simple as reaching out within our own neighborhoods. To form the bonds that eventually solidify into long-lasting friendships, we must first be willing to rise above the walls of suspicion and doubt dividing us from the individuals who inhabit our neighborhood, block, or our building. We are taught from childhood to fear those we do not know, but community is as much a part of survival as safety. When we take a proactive approach, we can harmoniously unite our neighbors and build a network of support that contributes to the well-being of all involved.

Your overtures of community needn't be complicated. If you are new to your neighborhood, sending letters of introduction to your closest neighbors can ensure that their curiosity about you is partly satisfied. Consider telling them a bit about yourself and how you plan to positively contribute to your locale, even if it is something as straightforward as planting attractive flowers in your window boxes. Or if others have recently moved in nearby, schedule some time to welcome them to the area. By doing so, you can calm any misgivings they have while demonstrating that your neighborhood is a nice place to live. It is much easier to meet people while outdoors, so try to take frequent strolls or sit on your stoop or porch if you have one. Say hello to people who pass by, and you will likely get to know your neighbors speedily. And one of the easiest ways to build a sense of community is to organize neighborhood projects and events that bring people together in service or in fun!

Even if you have little in common with your neighbors, your proximity to one another can offer a wonderful opportunity to pursue new friendships and working relationships. You may not see eye to eye on matters of spirituality, politics, or lifestyle issues, but each of you understands that community helps people feel connected. As you grow to know and then to like one another, the city or town where you reside will truly become your home.

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WELL WISHES

I wish you a beautiful day of sun and love. May your friendships be bountiful, your hugs be warm, and your heart be free to soar. I offer you many warm digital hugs today. May they make you smile.


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AND REMEMBER

Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence. ~Aristotle

Abundance of Love through Self Love; A lesson that repeats for me.

Images from KamioKappa's Xanga (thanks kami!)

"Alas for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them!" ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
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Today's Affirmation
My spirit rejoices as I sing the song of my life.
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Seven blunders of the world that lead to violence: wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice, politics without principle. --Mahatma Gandhi

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Good morning everyone :)

Yesterday’s visit to the doctor was well… not so good, but not terrible either. The GOOD news from the visit is I lost 8 pounds YAY!. The bad news is that I have an infection in my incision tracking upwards into me. This means more cleaning, deeper packing and more pain every time it’s touched. The doctor also indicated that my return to work would not be until December, at LEAST. This is bad news as I had hoped to return to work on November 27th. I will have officially been off by then for 7 weeks, but my appointment with the doctor is then. Hopefully December 1st or the 3rd will be my return. This will be the first month in which I have no back up plan for financial security. So please, keep your fingers crossed for this return to work.

My mother and I were discussing what would have happened in this same scenario if she hadn’t been around to take care of me. The results would have been bleak. She is my only source of support in a lot of ways. This came up as we talked about death in general (a topic I normally like to avoid because I lost so many people in my life that hearing of death, or even a long term disease like diabetes kicks my defense mechanisms in and I literally can’t “hear” anything being said).

I’ve been so consumed lately by wanting a partner. This sense of need has been heightened lately by this incident in my life, my cancer (among other things). But this conversation yesterday with my mother only fanned the flames of that burning fire, and made it into a bonfire. I spent all day yesterday holding onto the emotions from that one single discussion. That discussion shaped my entire day. I alternated between fear of being alone for the rest of my life and the absolute desperate urge to run out and find someone.

To some of the more well adjusted I can understand how this seems like nonsense, trust me. But last night, I surprised myself. Instead of fueling the fire with more kerosene & tears from my wounded heart, I went to bed. I went to bed and slept until 9am this morning (no nightmares!). Then when I woke up instead of turning on the computer first thing, I opened up one of my favorite books by Don Miguel Ruiz, called The Mastery of Love. And for the first time in a long time without a negative side effect, the fires of lonliness were quenched by knowledge. Understanding was imparted into my heart and even though I’d read these words at least once before they sank in deep and I could relax.

I’ll relay the piece that had particular meaning for me in a moment, but what I want to state is that I know I am worthy of love. I know I’m loveable. My failed relationships in the past do not rob me of that knowledge. What drives this “need” for love is my childhood, because I assimilate love to be security and I didn’t have security as a child. So hard as it is to reflect on that and stand in front of the mirror eyeing myself and trying to open my heart again despite my insecure environment as of late, I will do it. Just like I walk each day now I started off slow just to get started. I will start with a few seconds or a minute, and remind myself that love is shared, that security is created, while love is part of the soul…and that I WILL have it someday in my life.

In this chapter he talks about having a magical kitchen, an abundance of love that starts with self-love. The lesson I got from this for me today is the abundance of “SELF LOVE”. I have plenty of love to give to anyone who needs it, but I’ve been selfish with love to myself. It is a lesson that constantly repeats for me, because I’m still just “trying” to learn and digest it. Maybe today I’ll make this lesson my own :)

Excerpted from: The Magical Kitchen; Chapter 6 of The Mastery Of Love – Don Miguel Ruiz

People close their hearts so tightly. They are starving for love, not
knowing that the heart is a magical kitchen. YOUR heart is a magical kitchen. Open your heart. Open your magical kitchen, and refuse to
walk around begging for love. In your heart is all the love you
need. Your heart can create any amount of love, not just for yourself, but for the whole world. You can give your love with no condition; you can be generous with your love because you have a magical kitchen in your heart. Then all those starving people who believe the heart is closed will always want to be near you for your love.

What makes you happy is love coming out of you. And if you are generous with your love, everyone is going to love you. You are never going to be alone if you are generous. If you are selfish, you are always going to be alone, and there is no one to blame but you. Your generosity will open all the doors, not your selfishness.

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DAILY INSPIRATION

Making Life Yours
Perception

There is no secret recipe for happiness and contentment. The individuals who move through life joyously have not necessarily been blessed with lives of abundance, love, success, and prosperity. Such people have, however, been blessed with the ability to take the circumstances they've been handed and make them into something great. Our individual realities are colored by perception-delight and despair come from within rather than without. Situations we regard as fortuitous please us while situations we judge inauspicious cause us no end of grief. Yet if we can look at all we have accomplished without dwelling on our perceived misfortune and make each new circumstance our own, the world as a whole becomes a brighter place. A simple shift in attitude can help us recognize and unearth the hidden potential for personal and outer world fulfillment in every event, every relationship, every duty, and every setback.

The universe is often an unpredictable and chaotic place, and the human tendency is to focus on the negative and assume the positive will care for itself. But life can be no more or no less than what you make of it. If you are working in a job you dislike, you can concentrate on the positive aspects of the position and approach your work with gusto. What can you do with this job that can turn it around so you do love it. When faced with the prospect of undertaking a task you fear, you can view it as an opportunity to discover what you are truly capable of doing. Similarly, unexpected events, when viewed as surprises, can add flavor to your existence. By choosing to love life no matter what crosses your path, you can create an atmosphere of jubilance that is wonderfully infectious. A change in perspective is all it takes to change your world, but you must be willing to adopt an optimistic, hopeful mind-set.

To make a conscious decision to be happy is not enough. You must learn to observe life's complexities through the eyes of a child seeing everything for the first time. You must furthermore divest yourself of preconceived notions of what is good and what is bad so that you can appreciate the rich insights concealed in each stage of your life's journey. And you must strive to discover the dual joys of wanting what you have. As you gradually shift your perspective, your existence will be imbued with happiness and contentment that will remain with you forever.

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WELL WISHES

Today I wish for you all to have love and to be able to GIVE love too (might I suggest, giving someone a hug today? A hug that you REALLY feel? That helps me ;).

I wish for you to have conscious positivity, and abundant happiness. We are all deserving of these things and to my very special friends who come here and read, who talk to me, who love me, who support me, and pray for me; you deserve it especially. As Mrs. Virgo says “Make it a great day”.

You are a blessing to me everyday :)

XO

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AND REMEMBER

Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time. ~Don Miguel Ruiz

Looking for the key...

True Colors Personality Test

BLUE

"I am compassionate. I am always encouraging and supporting. I am a peacemaker, sensitive to the needs of others. I am a natural romantic.

I like to do things that require caring, counseling, nurturing, and harmonizing. I have a strong desire to contribute and to help others lead more significant lives. I am poetic and often enjoy the arts.

I value integrity and unity in relationships. I am enthusiastic, idealistic, communicative, and sympathetic. I express my feelings easily."

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Your heart-felt communication style creates peace and harmony in the workplace. You know how to bring out the best in others. As a Blue personality you are gifted with tremendous people skills.

You're a heart felt communicator who has a strong need to make a difference in the lives of other people. This strength is immediately noticeable in the way you make connections and bring out the best in those you encounter. People usually feel relaxed and comfortable in your presence.

You love to build self-esteem and make others feel good about who they are. You can easily motivate and inspire people to make changes in their lives and reach their potential. This natural talent makes you excel as a counselor, teacher, social worker or journalist.

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Thanks to Suzie’s Sacred Space for that wonderful link!

I have a doctor’s visit today again. These doctor visits don’t sound so scary now that the surgery is behind me. The trepidation I feel now is simply over being weighed each time I go. I’m nervous now that despite eating less than I used to, it isn’t enough. I had a very good few days this weekend of overeating and indulging in sweet vices. Will that kill the scale? I haven’t been walking as much on the treadmill but I’ve been walking around my apartment even more than normal. Will I still be too sedentary for any weight to be shed?

I have a problem with my weight. It was born out of a desire to not cheat on my husband early on in my marriage, because I knew that I was not as happy as I could be. It may sound stupid a reason but it was more important to me to remain faithful and despite the fact that I never, ever have cheated on another, I felt that I was so miserable I would have let go of my morals if temptation proved too much. I can actually HEAR myself telling myself this was what I was going to do. And so I did. I won’t bore you with the rest of the mundane details of how the initial weight gain continued through life issues (i.e a heart condition, and more) but suffice to say, that one thought led me to a different course in life; one of weight gain, and some misery.

I used to not be able to talk about it, but one of the benefits (if there is such a term) of going through a life altering ordeal is that you simply do not care anymore about telling things that once seemed so important and depressive. I do not throw my personal affairs about lightly mind you, but as much as they may still depress me, they aren’t the shadowy skeletons hiding in my closet anymore.

The trick is now, since it’s in the open to set it free. I do not know how to do this despite my best efforts to try. So that’s where I am. And today on the verge of a doctor’s appointment that for the first time doesn’t hold life threatening diagnosis fear, I’m left with this quiet awareness of the biggest (currently) key point in my life. I don’t know what to do with this awareness but to hold it and be aware of it. I haven’t found the path to take me towards the completion of this issue. I still keep trying, but maybe you have some ideas?

How do I release the fear that gripped me so much that I wanted to become invisible and thus took a very beautiful woman into a path of darkness and weight gain?

A very personal question I know. One that perhaps I shouldn’t throw about my blog where the public can see; but well, perhaps too…I should.

I hope you are all well today.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

Today on this blustery Chicago Thursday, I wish for you to have awareness about something that is a part of you that you feel defines you. I hope for you to be able to look at it, examine it and seek either help or answers to help complete it in you. I wish you strength to look at this clearly without the mask of fear or upset. For those of you who do not think you have any such thing, then I simply wish you strength should you ever come across something like that. And as always I offer you all my love transmitted across these wires through the digital screen.

You are a blessing to me everyday

Xo

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

You've got to say; I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance. ~ Lee Iacocca

Haphazard thoughts for a Wednesday

"The forgiving state of mind is a magnetic power for attracting good." ~Catherine Ponder
~*~
"For the most part, most people most often choose comfort--the familiar, the time-honored, the well-worn but well-known. After a lifetime of choosing between comfort and risk, we are left with the life we currently have." ~John-Roger and Peter McWilliams
~*~
72. See success as something you already have, not something you must attain.
73. Experience the splendor and awe of a sunset.
74. When you score a base hit don't wish it were a home run.
75. Learn to be in the present moment.
76. Instead of believing in miracles, depend on them.
(Taken from 101 Ways to Be Happy & Feel Good)

~*~*~*~*~*~
I get so lost on my days. Just today I was remarking to my mother how time flies and it does… One month ago I had the most major surgery I’ve ever had in my life. Since then I’ve been recovering, re-experiencing, and re-learning the importance of things. I can’t say that I’m perfect anymore than I could a month ago, but I like to think that side trip off the path of my life (i.e.. the surgery and cancer) provided a deeper insight into some things for me.

I still worry about money, quite a bit unfortunately. I’ve had some very generous folks help and support me, people I never thought would. I’m in much better shape financially than I would have been without that. But still I can’t shut off the worry spout of money’s issues with me. I have to work on that. My life especially after this surgery will no longer a slave to money; but old habits die-hard. I will continue to pray however I see fit that the money resolves itself to a conclusion that I am happy with. But not a single day goes by without me wanting to express my sincere gratitude for the financial help I’ve been gifted. Thank you so much.

I had the pleasure due to my company this past weekend to be offline more than online and I have to say, it was nice. By that statement I mean, that I wasn’t in game as much etc. I did miss the contact with my friends, the jokes, the camaraderie, etc. But it was nice to be in an environment devoid of pixilated truths and digital reality.

One thing that I want this cancer and surgery to have done for me, with me, is to help me realize or at least learn how to prioritize things that are important to me like human touch, love etc. If nothing else, I want to walk away knowing that being that close to death (as I saw it) made me realize how much I love life. This is not an easy thing to think of when you live with depression off and on as I do. SO I hope that among many other things, this lesson is abundantly clear and helps me prioritize the things I need in my life.

The quotes above are relevant to that, as is the DailyOm about journaling positivity.

This post is more a mish mosh of thoughts, rather than the crafted notes of specific issues, but I think that these random thoughts, expressed here are what lead to change. That and the wonderful comments, suggestions, ideas etc I receive both here and in the emails I get from my blog readers.


I want you to know just * how* much I ADORE the comments, and emails. In part, they are what keep me true to being real about my thoughts, and they definitely keep me coming back to post more. As much as I work out my thoughts, without someone acknowledging them, (for me anyway) I’m not sure I would enjoy it so much.

Thank you :)

~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION

Positivity Revisited
Keeping A Diary With Purpose
Courtesy of: DailyOM

A diary can play many roles. It can be a confidant, a vehicle of self-expression, a tool that facilitates clarity of thought, or a repository of dreams. A diary can also be a powerful source of comfort during challenging or traumatic periods. When you record those insights and incidents that clearly demonstrate you are on the right track, you can return to your words days, weeks, or months later and find uniquely soothing reassurance. A diary with a specific purpose can be a good tool for keeping track of experiences before the passage of time can skew your perception of events. It reflects the immediacy of your life and thus provides you with a landmark to return to when you begin to doubt yourself. If doubt does arise, simply open your diary to reaffirm your experiences. The confidence, surety, passion, and bravery you felt in a single moment is preserved, giving you a means to recapture those feelings in any place, at any time.

Your diary serves as a repository of personalized encouragement. Since a diary is, by its very nature, as individual as you are, you should give some thought to the type of diary that will serve you best. A synchronicity-and-connections diary might describe those instances where seemingly random occurrences came together in a meaningful way, propelling you forward. Or you may find strength in the pages of a pride diary that makes note not only of those times you felt proud of yourself but also precisely why you were pleased with your efforts. And a cause-and-effect diary can help you become more decisive by reminding you of all the wise, life-affirming choices you have made. Your diary should be small enough to be readily portable and on hand whenever possible because the faster you put your thoughts down on paper, the more authentic your declarations are apt to be.

Regardless of the type of focused diary you choose to keep, your recollections will create a positive feedback loop that helps you cope with doubt in a constructive way. Reading through your diary when life seems uncertain can show you that your misgivings are unfounded. As you draw consolation from your uplifting words, you will know without a doubt that you are indeed living your purpose and following the path that you committed to before birth

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

Today I close my eyes and think of all the special people who’s names and /or images are stamped on my heart. I send you all love and light and peace. My wish for you today is that despite sometimes how corny I may seem, that you feel the TRUE intention my heart sends; and that you can in your own way, in your own heart, be receptive and digest the emotion. That somehow you let it become a part of your day and like a beautiful flower with the help of the morning sun let it unfold to blossom into something beautiful for you.

You are a blessing to me everyday
XOXO


~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

"Everyone should carefully observe which way his heart draws him & then choose that way with all his strength." (I don't know whose quote this is, but it's my brothers favorite "words of wisdom" & one I hold dear to my heart. submitted by Kelli @ Kelli’s Musings)

The weekend of Sushi, Ice Cream, & Soap dreams :D

It has been a fabulous weekend. I know I know, it’s Tuesday, technically not the weekend anymore. But I’m still smiling from it all the same, and it was SO good it’s taken me two days to type up just how good it was!

It started simply on Friday, with some out of town company. I wasn’t so sure I could handle company being in recovery still. You’ll be happy to know that after all I was ok up until Monday. So the better part of the weekend wasn’t destroyed by pain, nausea, and sickness until then (yay!).

Then it continued with my company and I consuming a mass quantity of sushi on Saturday. You heard right ;) Yours truly went OUT and had sushi. Saturday turned out to be the highlight of the weekend. Nothing, absolutely nothing can make up for going outside for the first time after being cooped up for so long in your home… and trust me I LIKE being inside my home a LOT. The fresh air was invigorating, the company was wonderful, and meeting Mrs. Virgo for sushi is ALWAYS a good time.

Then after that as if that wasn’t enough, my company and I discovered the place known as ColdStone Creamery (thanks Mrs. Virgo… I’ll have to pay you back somehow ;). Oh my GOODNESS!!! I have just one thing to say about that place… It was FABULOUS. They have an ice cream called “Cake Batter” that I kid you not is just like cake batter. We gorged ourselves on many different types of ice cream not being able to decide which flavor or combination we wanted. We were like kids in a candy store all giddy about all the possibilities.

Our “server” Scott, was wonderfully full of energy so that made the experience so much more than just “going out to buy ice cream”. They even sang when we tipped them! It was a riot!

We got a huge container of the cake batter with sides like brownies, graham cracker crust, white chocolate chips, and Reese’s peanut butter cups. Then we each got a side dish of ice cream. Being ever non decisive I got banana, dark peppermint and sweet cream with real peanut butter as a topping, while my company got cheesecake ice cream mixed with strawberries and cherries. We spent the rest of the evening literally trying all sorts of combinations, toppings and blends. YUM

Now I realize this place may not be new to you, but due to money, health and otherwise restrictive issues, I haven’t been out in FOREVER let alone gone out to spend money and indulge in a sweet vice. I had no idea this heavenly place even existed! Thanks Mrs. Virgo for the heads up ;)

Then Sunday my company and I had a huge breakfast and lounged around all day. Towards the end of the day we got out the tools needed to make soap! We made about 15 bars of it (trust me it’s very easy to get carried away when you’re having fun). I’m sending my company home with tons of good for you soap without chemicals. Oh and yes, my company was male and yes he made soap too and yes he enjoyed it (or so he kindly says ;).

All in all I spent the weekend thoroughly enjoying my time back in the real world. It’s a place I don’t visit often as I spend my time lately in game, sleeping, or recuperating. I had forgotten just how sweet a place it could really be with the right ambiance, company and ideas for fun.

Thank you Mrs. Virgo for meeting us and adding your insightful funny conversation and laughs to our sushi fest. Thank you Arandar for dinner, all of your help this weekend, and for making this weekend seem like something out of a Christmas movie… a wonderful gift :)

It was very nice to feel special and cared for. I am grateful.

PS. I had the usual sort of negative thoughts this weekend. Meeting someone new can be frightening especially when you’re not in tiptop shape. And so when I received this daily OM today, while not apropos for the post itself, it is a reminder of how if not managed, our negative thoughts can be in the way of joy…And how we can correct that.

~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION

Curative Attentiveness
Being Aware Of Your Thoughts

Few people enjoy the company of individuals whose attitudes are persistently negative. Yet many of us tolerate the critical chatter that can originate within our own minds. Since we are so used to the stream of self-limiting, critical consciousness that winds its way through our thoughts, we are often unaware of the impact these musings have on our lives. It is only when we become aware of the power of such thoughts that we can divest ourselves of them and fill the emptiness they leave with loving, peaceful affirmations. Many people, upon paying careful attention to their thinking patterns, are surprised at the negativity they find there. But when we take notice of involuntary thoughts in a nonjudgmental way, we initiate a healing process that will eventually allow us to replace intimidating and upsetting self-talk with positive, empowering thoughts.

While the occasional downbeat or judgmental thought may have little impact on your contentment, the ongoing negativity that passes unnoticed can have a dampening effect on your mood and your outlook. When you are aware of the tone of your thoughts, however, you can challenge them. Try to be conscious of your feelings, opinions, and judgments for a single day. From sunup to sundown, scrutinize the messages you are feeding into your subconscious mind. Consider your thoughts from the perspective of a detached observer and try not to judge yourself based on the notions that come unbidden into your mind. Simply watch the flow of your consciousness and make a note of the number of times you find yourself focusing on gloomy notions or indulging in self-directed criticism.

As you become increasingly aware of your patterns of thought, whether positive and negative, you will gradually learn to control the character of your stream of consciousness. Endeavor always to remember that the images and ideas that pass through your mind are transient and not a true representation of who you are. In training yourself to be cognizant of your thoughts, you gain the ability to actively modulate your mood. The awareness you cultivate within yourself will eventually enable you to create a foundation of positivity from which you can build a more authentic existence.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
Today, I wish for you, the ability to have a sweet bowl of ice cream. If you can’t have that, then I wish for you to feel arms around you in a hug. If you can’t have or find that, then I wish for you to have the ability to close your eyes and for one moment find a small thing (any small thing), that can give you a smile. Laughter is the best medicine so they say, but a smile born of joy, can warm even the coldest or loneliest hearts. May you be warm today :)

You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

“We will make people happy” ~ The Cold Stone Creamery culture.

Now how nice is that, just one simple directive… to make people happy :)

Muse Pics one month later....

Today is the first day I actually took the time to make myself presentable. I've been living in nightgowns, laying covered in pillows, and really staying in all manner of things that make me feel comfortable lately. Well today I have company coming over and so I must be presentable ;)

I took some pictures today. Exactly one month and a day after my surgery, I can look at these pictures and really feel that sense of being alive. It has taken a full month and some pictures where I can see my smile etc, to really see and appreciate that I am alive.

In celebration of that joy, I will share these pictures with you. They are webcam shots (as is my typical method of pictures) and believe it or not it's hard to take shots, pose, and chat too! Maybe my age is showing through since I can't multitask like I used to ;)

Anyway, I hope you enjoy them (there are a lot of them so be patient while the page loads)

The traditional eyes closed shot :P














My Mother got me some roses... Aren't they lovely!


They smell fantastic too!


The books I've published either as collaborative works or on my own. I'm proud of them.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

Today I wish you nothing more than pure celebration. Celebrate being alive, celebrate it being friday, celebrate fall, celebrate whatever you want but celebrate. Smile, and allow nothing to penetrate you celebration that can dampen it. I wish you the best of days today.

You are a blessing to me everyday
XO

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

A Picture is worth a thousand words ;)

Dreams, Nightmares, Thursday Update.

"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained." ~Marie Curie

~*~
Self-Esteem Conditioning Game
By MindHabits from iVillage.com

MindHabits Booster is a groundbreaking psychological game that aspires to change the way we think. Developed by doctors at McGill University, it is based on the idea that positive thinking takes practice. Recent studies show games like this can help people undo negative thought patterns and form new, more positive ones. By playing for five minutes a day, you can learn to ignore hostility and improve your self-esteem.

Play now! See if you can find the friendly face in the crowd. (It's harder than you think!)

(I thought this was interesting and though perhaps you would all like to try this)

~*~*~*~*~*~
Thanks to all of you for the wonderful comments in my blog the past few days. I’m glad you enjoy my return of posting again.

Another Thursday has gone by but this one is slightly different in that I do not have a doctor’s appointment. The doctor felt I was doing so well that my next appointment isn’t until next Thursday. This is a good thing.

I still have to remember that lying back more than sitting upright is better for me. Sitting upright for more than 3 hours max causes all sorts of problems for me.

I still suffer from horrendous nightmares too. Mostly I do not remember them, but I have remembered two of them, and one of them left me so shaken that at 2am central time I began calling friends to get some comfort because when I woke up I literally could not breathe. I’m hoping as Aussie_male said, that it’s just a side effect of the medicine. But if it’s not, boy my mind is working something serious out. I kid you not when I say these dreams are HORRIBLE. They involve great sadness, intense pain, and tremendous amounts of fear. Psychologically one could look at them and say “Well you’re afraid of not having enough money (despite the generosity of a few wonderful people), you’re afraid of the cancer returning, you feel like a broken woman, and you feel alone”. One might be able to understand those things might lead to the dreams as I see them. They are dreams of physical hurt (to me), people breaking into my home (no security), being used (being broken), and winding up permanently debilitated by some means (the cancer returning). Sounds pretty foolproof for a theory eh?

The truth is that may be so, but very rarely have I had such bad dreams that I cannot breath. When I was a young girl, I had nightmares all the time. Only a few did I ever wake myself up from (some painfully so). My past is not all that bright. I had a lot of things to work out. But now, stressful as my life may seem, it is not nearly on the same level as the things I suffered as a child. What I’ve endured recently is a CAKEWALK compared to my childhood.

The bottom line is I want them to go away. They keep me up because I’m afraid to sleep, it makes my wound hurt more because I’m up longer or passing out in uncomfortable positions when my body finally shuts me down, etc.

Any ideas?

Oh and I’ve started searching in earnest for a new job. Anyone know of any openings? I really need one with good insurance.

I hope you have a wonderful day today everyone.

~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION

Cosmic Support
The Universe's Plan For You

The path that speeds us toward our dreams can be a challenging and complex one, so it's easy to get bogged down in confusion and insecurities. We often hesitate at the start of that path, questioning our purpose or our capabilities. Yet we should be moving forward joyously, eager to discover what destiny has in store for us. The universe has plans for us that eclipse anything we have dreamed of thus far. Though we must work diligently to fulfill our potential and to accomplish our individual missions, the universe is aware of both the quests we chose before birth and the goals we have formulated in adulthood. If we accept that it us watching over us and believe that it will facilitate our eventual success, the universe will provide us with the assistance and opportunities that enable us to make significant progress on our journeys of ambition.

Nothing happens without a purpose. Whether we attract success or repel it depends on our willingness to stay open to a wide range of possibilities and to embrace concepts like synchronicity. The universe is always ready to care for our needs, but we must not write off its loving attention as mere circumstance or chance. Likewise, we must endeavor to ensure that our egos do not become a barrier that prevents us from recognizing that even perceived mistakes and strife can be profound lessons that smooth the progress of personal evolution. When we understand that we only need to enthusiastically try our best to realize our objectives, the universe will take care of the details, propelling us forward in its unstoppable current. We may not always immediately understand the significance of certain experiences, but our trust will help us choose wisely at each crossroads.

The universe wants to see you accomplish your goals. No matter how long you've dallied or hesitated, it will always be there to put its plan for you in motion at the first sign of your faith. You can make the most of this aid by acquiescing to it rather than fighting it-nurture your dreams but do not attempt to micromanage every detail along the way. The universe will provide you with guidance and, if you heed that guidance, you will find your formerly stressful quest for success will become a journey of great joy.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

Today I wish for you to have a wonderful day full of sun. I hope for your nights to be free of the terrors that seek to cause unrest. I wish with all my heart for each one of you special wonderful people to have a night of blissful peace to go along with the day of bright sun I wish for you.

You are a blessing to me everyday
XO

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated. ~William James
(SO True, even for me, especially for me)

Dreaming your dream; The Muse's Dream of Love

Lao Tzu on Dreaming Your Dream
Adapted from Half Full, by Mina Parker (Conari Press, 2006).

You look out for your kids, your parents, and your bank account. You problem solve; you make it work. It’s not always perfect--but then, what is? Did you forget to look out for your dreams? Did you forget to plant and tend your deepest desires? It might be hard work, but the harvest might surprise you with dreams that are bigger and brighter than you ever dreamed possible.

Here is what Lao Tzu has to say about how to nurture your dream:

Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream. - Lao Tzu

~*~*~*~*~*~
This particular bit caught my eye today. I subscribe to many self-help newsletters. It’s where I get my quotes when I’m not pulling quotes given to me by friends or readers of my blog. Today’s was interesting…

One of my biggest dreams is to find love, have it, share it. And by love I mean the kind of love I need. Love that is real, here next to me, shared and respected.

I pepper that dream with thoughts of “Oh, I’ll never find someone who values me because I’m fat”. Or the tried and true motto I’ve become aware of invading my thoughts lately “I wont find someone because I’m * Broken *”.

I think it’s time to water my dream, my biggest most important dream with the things that will help it grown and be a reality. From this point forward I will water my dreams with optimism and solutions. And maybe along the way I’ll learn to be less bitter over what I do not have, and enjoy what I DO have until what I want becomes part of my life.

Here is a lyric of a song that describes (sort of) what I’m looking for…If you have a chance, listen to the song. It’s lovely.

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
I said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

~*~

Maybe someone will lay with me and forget the world… I still believe in the fairy tale even modernized… Maybe someone will.

Have a wonderful day everyone

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

Today I wish that if you have love you remember that not everyone does and appreciate what you have. If you do not have love, then you water your dream if that’s your dream with positivity and optimism. In either event, I hope you know love. Because Love is beautiful.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

XO

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough. ~Ann Landers

Baby Steps... Small goals

"There is a place in each of us that is so beautiful, angels smile in its presence.  That presence is who you really are. When you can stand spiritually naked, look at yourself and like what you see, you have achieved a great feat."   ~Ron Rathbun

Quote is taken from page 91 of: The Way Is Within

Today's Affirmation
I am spirit expressing itself.

~*~*~*~*~*~
I have been walking lately.  Not much mind you because too much hurts my stomach.  (We’re talking more than 5 minutes each session, hurts).  I’ve been trying (and failing on occasion) to watch my portions.  I try everyday to remember that I do not ever want to go through a surgery like I’ve just been through unless it is medically necessary.  I also do not want to be a statistic.  I want to lose weight.  I want to do it so that I can have so many of the things I think I want.  I want so many things…

I’m also going to try to work from home earlier than I usually start today.  I have been starting somewhere around 2 or 3 because of the nausea but I’m going to try and fight it a bit today and start at 1pm today so that maybe I can get a few more hours in.  I need the money.

These are my only goals for this week.  As long as I fulfill them (walking everyday as promised to Jengie and to myself, and working from home earlier in the day unless physically unable to do so) then anything else will be icing on an already sweetened cake.  

I hope your day is lovely.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

I wish for you today along with me to complete a goal you’ve set for yourself.  Could be something really small, but that’s ok… CELEBRATE it.  Spend time allowing yourself to enjoy the accomplishments you make through the day.  The joyfulness will help you complete more ;)

You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

Someone loves and is thinking of you; that someone is…me.

The Code of humanity & The Great World Prayer

I picked these up somewhere long my stay at the hospital. I do not remember where. I've been wanting to post them for some time and haven't had the ability to do so until now. So here you go. Some Sunday prayers for you :)

~*~*~*~*~*~

The Code of Humanity
1. I choose to communicate truth
2. I choose the reality of life
3. I choose to heal, not hurt
4. I choose education over ignorance
5. I choose the power of peace
6. I choose to love God (or good) and see god (or good) in all humanity
7. I choose to seek the soul in all things
8. I choose to link to the world of inspiration
9. I choose the principle of sharing
10.I choose to become a co-creator in live and live it more abundantly.

~*~

The Great World Prayer
From the point of light
within the mind of God (or good)
Let light stream forth
into the minds of humanity
Let light descend on Earth.

From the point of love
within the heart of God (or good)
Let love stream forth
into the hearts of humanity
May the world teacher
return to Earth.

From the center where the
will of God (or good) is known
Let purpose guide the little
wills of humanity - -
The purpose which all great
sages know and serve.

From the center with
we call the human race
Let the plan of love and light
work out
And may it seal the door
where evil dwells.

Let light and love and power
Restore the plan on Earth

Down Under - A poem inspired by three exceptional people

Down Under

Sunlight drapes over the garden
Teasing each petal of exotic variety
The morning dewdrops glisten like diamonds against bright color
A palette of colorful joy represented in each delicate flower

Down under just below the eager fronds reaching to the sky
Sits the hidden fairy
Her wings glimmmer with unseen light
Her smile perfectly curved in a face of near porcelain
Reaching out to the sun, higher and higher she tries

Hoping and praying for a touch back in her garden of truth
Alone in her garden of dreams, hopes, joy
Vibrant color around hers,
The white light of her heart bright against the shade

Among the garden she sits, realizing how single and alone she is
Not knowing that in the world where life lives daily
Others of her kind, shimmering in the shade, reaching to the sky
Seek hope, along with others

Reaching high, the flowers grasp the strands of sun
As she grasps the hands of hope
Smiling, sitting in contentment
Knowing she's not alone.

She never was...

©SKW


~*~*~*~*~*~
This poem was inspired by a combination of things. At 12:20 am on Sunday morning I was in chat with three people. I couldn't sleep, I had been disappointed and was reaching out. Aussie_Male who is always my confidante at just the right times, Kamiokappa who has been always reaching back to me whenever I need it, and Jengie who for 4 years has always had a smile on her face and kind words to say were the three who reached to me when I reached out. This is for them... It's my first poem in a while, that is based only in love and joy. I hope you enjoy it :) I know I enjoyed writing it for them.

XO

Weekly catch up - The Return of Regular Posting - A journey with me to the doctors (VERY long post)

"When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." ~ Audre Lorde, American activist and writer

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As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

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For a journey with me to my doctor’s office, read all the way to the end ;)


“Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.”

When I knew I was having surgery on 10-9, I quietly (even to myself) went into what I call “finality mode”. I honest to god thought I was going to die. The thought was so strong in me that I asked my boss on Friday, the week before my surgery if I could have the week before off too because I needed to “wrap up some things”. I remember all the times I was so sad I thought I could just die or perhaps even maybe wanted to, but just before my surgery when I sat on that table and waited two hours to be prepped and ready, watching people of all ages all walks of life being wheeled in for surgery to save their lives, I thought… “I don’t want to die”.

I knew then that no matter how depressed I was, that I would have to fight much harder to suppress my seemingly natural tendency to head to darkness because when pressed for the second time in my life, when faced with a life threatening illness, my desire for life prevailed.

After the surgery and while I was in the hospital I had no concept of being grateful that I was alive. I was in too much pain, too much discomfort. But when I got home that Thursday and maybe even later like that Friday, I realized that I thought so deeply that I was going to die, that I had made no plans for living.

Now, I’ve been sitting in this quasi-living state ever since, going about the daily routine as if I were just empty sometimes and living while I wait for my inspiration. I’ve had some good ideas but lack the means to carry them out yet. So I wait and sit and live.

But yesterday I had another visit with the doctor that turned to be a small turning point. She removed all the staples yesterday and my next follow up is in two weeks instead of one. The remaining portion of the incision may open, but she doesn’t think so. But the visit wasn’t all-good in that I gained more weight and am now just five pounds lighter than I was before the procedure. As I cried realizing the cancer is behind me (never forgotten but not life threatening now) but that I haven’t been able to do what I need to, all the nurses, the doctor and my mother tried to console me that this will change etc citing reasons why it will, and helping to find out what else to do (medicines and water weight and swollen tissue etc etc)… But I still felt like “I’ve come through cancer, but because I can’t lose my weight, it will kill me”.

Twice I’ve been given the gift of sight that living is really what I want to do. For a brief period of time too (two years or more) I had the beautiful angel Jessie to remind me of this too. My focus now aside from all the things I want to do (namely counseling others in grief, death, loss… my specialties) is to be my own angel along with all the others living and the ones who’ve passed who are whispering to me that I should live. That I’ve been given a very special gift many times over surviving two life threatening events even… and that I should respect it. It’s a hard thing to remember especially when sadness overwhelms me (as it does because I feel so deeply at times).

The good news in this post and it IS good news. Is that after the doctor’s visit, the tears, the frustration. I came home and cleaned out my cabinets. I threw out anything that wasn’t healthy. I promised my mother before the surgery that I would try her “eating plan” and I did. I kept my promise to her but lost sight of it too as I got better. Now however, I renew that promise and add a promise to myself.

I promise to try to remember, that I will lose weight and I will do the things I want to do even if the final result is modified… I will not allow “comforts” to dissuade me from remembering that I have been given a gift of life just as so many have, and I WILL respect it.

It’s a hard lesson when faced everyday with money issues, loneliness issues, health issues & weight issues. But I will remember it. I hope anyone reading this knows that they too are given the gift of life and no matter what it’s worth it.

Thank you again to so many who keep contributing, who keep praying, who keep loving, who keep checking up on me. Your thoughts and words are so lovingly received and appreciated. They are the light in my heart that keeps me going. Thank you so much.

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DAILY INSPIRATION
Courtesy of DailyOm

A Softer Touch
Apply Gentleness To Everything

Throughout life we must cope with blockages that impede our forward momentum. Whether these obstacles are of a personal, professional, or societal nature, our first instinct may be to push against the obstruction. But the simplest way to alleviate resistance is to approach it gently, with a soft manner and kind intentions. Struggle and strife can find no foothold when confronted with mildness because conflict can only exist when fed by two opposing forces. So many areas of our lives can benefit from the application of gentleness. The beauty of gentleness lies in its multifaceted nature. It is part love, part compassion, part patience, part understanding, and part respect for others. When we move through life gently as a matter of course, we naturally attract these wonderful elements into our lives.

This does not mean that gentle people are by nature passive or meek. Rather, their copious inner power is manifested in their gentleness and their choice to move with the flow of the universe instead of against it. You can make use of gentleness in your own life by applying it in situations where you feel challenged by your circumstances or by people in your environment. As you move forward gently, the energy pervading your life will likely shift and, consequently, the blockages before you will vanish. Cooperation progresses smoothly when approached gently because all parties involved feel confident that their needs will be met. And quarrels are easily quelled with gentleness because the dualistic concepts of losing and winning are made moot by our willingness to exercise infinite patience with those whose values differ from our own.

Gentleness must be practiced, as we are inadvertently encouraged to act competitive in certain phases of our lives. At first, your established habits may make being truly gentle challenging. Yet after a time, if you commit to consciously applying gentleness to all areas of your life, whether by collaborating rather than competing or yielding graciously to the impassable roadblocks in your path in order to seek a new road, you will find that you begin to act gently habitually. Your patterns of thought and behavior become ever more peaceful, and you will discover that you encounter far less impassable resistance on your individual journey.

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WELL WISHES

Today, this first day of a traditional post since 10-9-06, I wish sincerely for peace to come to you all. I wish that this Friday brings you much joy, happiness, love, strength (if needed), and relaxation. Don’t be afraid to let your life begin no matter your age. Take 5 minutes and find a place of relaxation today, even if you just close your eyes and see a peaceful image; because that is how it begins…

And Al (aka Caveman on the forums), you make me smile, you give my heart warmth, and my spirit peace. Because of you, the day of the surgery I held my hand just like you said & recited the names of those who gave me peace. Because of you I was at peace when it happened. You are so loved.

You are all a blessing to me everyday
XO

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AND REMEMBER

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no important whatsoever. ~Isak Dinesen


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A journey to the doctors with the Muse

These pics were taken with my digital camera while heading to my doctors appointment yesterday. I thought you might like to make the trip with me (even a day later ;)

This is inside my car. It's called "Moving Messages" and follows the belief that we spread what we feel. I have three of these on my car. The music note inside, the heart on my visor and another on the outside. My car is a moving message of love.

This is the outside of my condominium complex. I rent here, I don't own here.

This is the journey down a very busy stretch of road called "Route 59". It sucks it's so busy!

Beautiful fall colors and scenery. Wish there were more reds, but golds and greens are still pretty too :)

And the must do stop... must have coffee and a donut. (No ice cream though *Pout*)

A moving shot of more colorful fall foliage.

Ahh the tollway, the lovely always under construction tollway. I always get lost driving it, I'm glad my mom drove!

290, That's where we want to be!

No zoo visit for me today. Too cold! :P

The exit leading to the hospital.

First shots of the hospital. A sprawling mass of buildings low rises and high rises that comprises Loyola University Hospital. One of the foremost renowned cancer institutes in Illinois and the home of the Foster G McGraw Hospital & Ronald McDonald Children's Hospital (seen below).

Another shot, closer of the lower level admin buildings.


Foster G McGraw hospital, Ronald McDonald Children's Hospital


The cancer center where I go to see my doctor.


The front of the building. This picture really doesn't do the inside justice. It is a lovely glass enclosed building. The celing is so high but the light that filters in makes it a lovely sight to see. Unfortunately I was unable to take pics of the inside for privacy reasons while patients were there...


The seal of the hospital... the Crest. It is a catholic hospital and truly has one of the best staffs I've ever known inside it. Twice I've been here to various parts of the hospital and twice I've always felt well taken care of. The staff and nurses truly are loving and kind.

There you go! Hope you enjoyed it :)