LONG post about ... well ... nothing, perhaps?

How is it possible for me to be late when I was up at 4am?  Ok this old age working too early thing is for the birds.  I fell asleep last night around 8:30 and got up at 10pm from a horrible nightmare, which I couldn’t shake.  I finally fell asleep again by 11pm, and was up at 3:30.  By the time I could have chosen to go back to bed it was 4am and I have to be up at 5am or so.  SO I figured I’d just stay up.  The benefit of this is I did get some stuff done lol.  I actually got showered, and actually GOT READY… you know like did my hair, and makeup and feel half decent about myself.  Not so afraid to go out and show my face to the world lol.  But then I got stuck trying to perfect something in game and before I knew it, it was 6:35 and (eeek!) I have to leave at 6:15.   So I flew out the door after shoving some vitamins and St. John’s Wort down my throat and here I am.  

Yup… here I am.  Here I sit with nothing to do.  Have a few things of course and I’m pacing myself getting through them so I at least have stuff to do all day but now I’m bored.  And the worst part is I’m bored and AWAKE.  Which is even more horrible considering I have nothing to do here ** cries **.

I know I shouldn’t complain.  I get paid more than I did at my last job and I have even less to do here than I did at my last job.  But I’m just not one of those people.  See I can think of at least 10 other things I can get down at home instead of wasting 8 hours here when I really only need 4 to get done what I have…  I’m salaried of course so if there were ever overtime they wouldn’t have to pay it but I still have to do a timesheet and I’ve been told I’ll be docked for the few times I was out (which is CONSIDERABLY less than at my last job by FAR!) but still… you see how it’s one way for them and another when it doesn’t benefit them?  Because of that I have to stay here.  ** sigh **

So what else is new… well I am now a registered member on 7 message boards now lol.  The utopia skye ones, two protectorate ones (long story), the romantics site (based in wow), the angels of wrath (based in wow), the Talus community (based in SWG) and two personal ones (meaning I wont tell you what they are, not that they are a personals board. :P  ) as well.   I’m having difficulty keeping up. :P  Utopia Skye ALWAYS get my first priority.  

I’m going to be canceling wow soon.  I downloaded the patch from yesterday and this weekend I’m going in game to give those I care about alternate means of contacting me.  The guilds will remain and I will still have them, but people are free to come and go as they please.  There are officers on both sides that can help in my absence.  Perhaps I’ll activate for a month or so… perhaps not.  But I need to do this for me.

Right now I have a calculated $76.89 (which will increase to $91.88) amount I pay EACH month for online games.  I can keep TSO for history sake, the boards and SWG and STILL cut my costs in half if I just take charge of my damn life.  I’m going to try again to do this.  Wish my luck.  Previously I’ve caved when I cancelled.  

I don’t have time for all these games anyway.  I never play TSO except for when people want to meet there.  I never play ts2 and I LOVE to build.  I never go there because the MMO’s is where I get my social interaction.  While I’m not ready to emerge into the real world and get my social interaction there so my MMO addiction isn’t as bad, I can at least cut it to one game.  I can also cut my cell bill again by $40 if I just don’t use the damn thing.  Right now I use it at work and when I’m driving to and from work because when I’m home I don’t want to be on the phone, I want to be in game.  But the $47 from the reduced expenses n game that I’ll save plus the $44 I can save on my phone gives me almost $100 a month that I can save.  NOT pay other bills with, but save… I have no money.  No savings, and no retirement.  It’s funny at a meeting at the company I was with the longest (Telecomm Industries) they had a retirement planner there and I remember then at the age of 25 or so laughing that I didn’t need to plan for retirement.  Now I’m 34 and have nothing.  I have roughly (according to old standards) 21 years with which to save enough money to live the rest of my life on.  Yea.  Right.

Additionally through some knowledge received recently I discovered that I’m a total loser (and don’t knock me on this assessment when you read this folks).  I’m 34 and have NOTHING to show for the years I’ve worked.  People younger than me have far more than me.  Without going into details I just know I suck basically (and yes this is the reason for my depression last night… the realization that you suck isn’t an easy pill to swallow).  I realize that I only suck in this one area, at least for right now, but I am talking majorly sucking here…. I need to get my act together.  

The fastest easiest way to get a large amount of money together would be to sell all my crap and move in with my mother.  BAM instant $850/month saved from not having to pay rent.  But I have to wonder is it worth it?  Is my sanity worth $850/month?  That’s where I’m at today.  

I finally understand why Militis was so much into sleeping.  He said dreams are far better than the real world.  I fought him tooth and nail for a long time on that one.   I think in some measure I get it now.  I think perhaps I was so tired because I was so depressed.  Money always depresses me, but it’s the things that I can’t mention here that weigh on my heart that depress me.  

We all have a shadow self, and that shadow self includes a shadow heart.  In this heart the things we live that perhaps we wouldn’t live or do in waking reality reside.  This is the place you go when you rationalize an action and reduce it from it’s “Omg, this isn’t acceptable” status to “Well it’s ok if this, and this, and this”.  This is the comfort zone you find in an action that you tolerate, allow, accept.  Even though you go here, you still have to continually justify it to your waking self.  This is the part of you that is aware that what you’re doing is wrong, if not for others, but even just for you.  This is the part that says, you’re worth more, you deserve more… This part continually looks into the shadow heart you live in and pokes at you saying “Hey, I’m talking here, are you listening?”  I’ve become quite adept at tuning that voice out, but even with the skills I have sometimes an echo persists ringing against my brain.

What I allow to happen to myself for whatever reason is wrong.  It may LOOK like the bright light that I wish it to be, but it is an illusion because behind that light is the truth.  That what I allow is in the end demeaning because it lacks the weight of reality.  

I’ll leave it at that for now.

Random Poetry comin atcha

What I want to be right is derived from what is wrong
The orb of beauty contained over my dream is simply a weak barrier
That any touch will dissolve, revealing reality
It feels so right, It REALLY feels right
I want it to be right
But it’s wrong.
Truth hits hardest when you accept it…

©SKW