If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to

The apartment search continues…

This weekend sucked.  Friday night I spent in tension filled drama in game for HOURS.  I couldn’t escape it.  I couldn’t even go on air because of it.  Sure, I know, log off right?  Well this drama was between a friend who I speak to in real life and me.  I can’t just walk away or unplug that…  

Ever have a dream even if its unspoken burning inside you.  You don’t speak of it, because to speak means it might go away?  But then something happens, innocently most often… and it just shatters your dream?  Ever feel that?  Yea..  I know that.  I know you have no clue what I’m talking about and that’s ok.  Friday just sucked bad for me.

Additionally my next door neighbor, the one that scares me?  You remember …  Anyway he has people coming in and out of his apartment 24/7.  The smell in my hallway of pot, cigarette smoke and god knows what else has started seeping into my apartment.  It is responsible for my headahches as of late, and since I used to smoke and know what it did to me then, I know it will be responsible for my sinus problems.  These are problems I am already feeling… oh and can I mention cravings?  I had to stop myself from going out and buying cigarettes a FEW times this weekend.  Where do you go when your apartment, your refuge, is now your enemy?  I even opened my windows ALL of them this weekend.  I haven’t done that since I moved in, preferring to keep closed all the time.  But I tried to air the place out because it reeks so bad.  I even burned lavender oil all day Friday and Saturday and by the end of the night was STILL sick from the smoke.  This is coming from an ex-smoker folks…  I have GOT to get out of there.  I don’t know if my health will make it until July.  I hate that when I come into my apartment now it reeks like a cigarette shop.  My walls will show the stains of smoke if it doesn’t quit or if it gets heavier and I’m not cleaning that crap off…  The doorway that the smell comes from the most is also right by my bedroom.  Great, now I can sleep with the smell I’ve been getting away from for 4 years now.  And this morning on the way to work I couldn’t sing a complete song without clearing my throat.  That is one of the PRIMARY reasons I quit 4 years ago…  And now it’s back.  Last but not least second hand smoke is worse than 1st hand. Or so they say… lovely, so now I’m going to get cancer because my fucking neighbor’s mother can’t deal with him and bought him a condo to get rid of him, so he can party every night.  And * I * Have to live right across from him.

So Friday I didn’t get much sleep.  Or well I went to bed really late, then woke up Saturday and went back to bed…  Then was up late Saturday and I was sooo tired Sunday, but I waited to sleep until midnight so my body could try to get back on track….  ON Saturday or Sunday (I can’t remember now) someone buzzed to get in and I didn’t answer again.  I waited in fear of making any noise actually turning down my tv so they couldn’t hear that I was home and just didn’t answer.  My neighbors who had the community watch think that my car was trashed because I didn’t answer the door last time.  So I waited with baited breath to hear any glass crashing.  Instead I heard people in the hallway so tiptoeing to my door to peek out, I see a group of guys hanging around my door.  They’re not doing anything per se, but they’re whispering at my door.  Yea, I’m not feeling to safe there… So I go sit back down on my couch and try to strategize what would I do if they came in … It wouldn’t take much effort to get in.  I know I will not be sitting comfortably in my own home anymore.  I’ll be fully dressed and at the ready at all times and I’ll have to learn to live with sleeping in clothing, not just pj’s.  Because god forbid anything SHOULD happen, I”ll need to grab my purse and run out the other door of the apartment.  It’s the only way out short of vaulting over my deck and I’m way too old for that.  Isn’t this gross? I’m talking about where I live and planning how I would leave if I were attacked?!?  It seems so bizarre to me.

On the way to work today I saw a few apartments I would like to call on, but I wont… The few I called on before when I thought my mother could help me were eager to see me, and some had openings right away.  Even one that would take mushu!  But I have no money to move right now and I can’t get help from any other source.  I’m just afraid that in the end I wont save up any money.  Every time I have any money to put away something always comes up.  I wait again with baited breath for payday today, as I’m supposed to have some money left over.  I know I have to spend some of it on an oil change, but hopefully I can put like $80 in the bank.  Not much I know… But something.  I HAVE to put money away.  Have to have to have to.  Or I can stay where I am and die.  Dramatic I know but you have NO idea what it’s like to live in a place where for a year you thought you were crazy because no one believed you when you said you were scared and didn’t feel safe.  Then to have your fears VALIDATED and have everyone go “Oh I didn’t realize”.  Now I’m in like panic mode or something…  

Oh so yea, Friday in game…  Remember folks online we only have our words and our in game actions to go on.  If you’re seen around a bunch of men alone for hours, less than 2 m apart, you’re going to be seen as … well something.  (You get my drift).  And if you don’t support your friends in the oh so important fights online, well then your word means shit and if you are in someone’s real life and have that coveted spot of trust, then lack of support means a RIPPING of that trust as you’re pulled out of someone’s heart.  

These are damages that are not reversible or well lets say very few friendships can survive an attack like that.  

Word to the wise…


Random poetry (based on an old poem written a long time ago for a friend of mine, rewritten and I gather you’ll soon know why)
She gave me orange blossoms
Once so beautiful and fragrant
I held them close to my heart
While they festered and changed into something I know not
Decaying in a split second,
Withering into nothing more than…mold
One petal hanging on attached to the withered bud
Trying…
Success unlikely… but it tries
She gave me orange blossoms and had I known
That in the future they would have died
I wonder, would I have taken the offering at all?