Grrrrrrrr

I really hate when I find out what other people make….

I just saw a check on Crony’s desk because I had to put something in her bins and it was on top of it.  I just moved it (without looking at it) and it fell to the floor.  So I picked it up and put it back on top but I couldn’t help but see the name was hers… It was her check and she makes MORE than me.  She works three days a week for 7 hours each day.  That’s IT… and she makes more than me.  Unbelievable!

LLFH - Chapter 30; The masquerade Lingers

In an earlier post somewhere I divulge the history, give details etc about this series. It has been a long time since I had inspiration to write in this series. This has been running around in my head since yesterday now, so I thought I should post it here... Enjoy.

My first writing in the series in a very long long time, written by request as a testament to my feelings... Enjoy.

Love Letters From Heaven - Chapter 30; The Masquerade Lingers

“To be fond of dancing is a certain step towards falling in love.”
~Jane Austin

My love,

As I sit in the study today, the sunlight seeps in through the curtains finding its way around me. It bathes me in softest light almost like a dream light providing a sense of the past, and resurfacing a memory of the night of the ball… My thoughts cannot help but drift there love. That night is such a poignant reminder of us. That night, like our love holds a perfect sense of mystery, sensuality, gracefulness, and elegance. I can’t quite forget the feeling of that night because what was a simple formal affair for me, became a magical encounter forever transforming me...because that is when I met you.

Realizing any thought toward any other activity is pointless I sit back in the inviting cushions of the chair in which I write. The cherry wood frame adorned with soft cushions embraces me now as I walk unfettered through my dreamscape and the memories in my mind…

Faint strains of music; sweet violins, sad pianos, and deep cellos accompany the tinkle of the silverware as servers offer spirits and sweets. Satin ruffles sweep the floor in the brightest shades of green, teal and blue… the elegant colors of the peacock in its brilliant form. Dancers glide across the wooden dance floor laid just for them. The lighting, soft, is provided by hand made chandeliers holding marvelous candles high above the floor. The tables themselves are covered in white velvet and polished silver with cream colored fine bone china. Each table holds a magnificent slender glass vase brimming with lush roses in deep shades of red. So heavy was the arrangement that the roses and baby’s breath made a waterfall of natures beauty as it showered down towards the table in elegant splendor.

It was all new, of course, even down to the china, it was all new. It was all laid out for only the chosen few of society. I can’t quite allow myself to breathe in relaxation wondering how I could have been chosen to be in this dream, this fantasy environment of delights to the senses. Standing in a darkened corner alone with my thoughts, embraced by my awkward shyness, I straighten for the thousandth time my gown of red. It was specially made. My wages from teaching had provided me with just enough to cover the expert workings of a seamstress in town. She is called “the weaver of magic” and I can see why. In this dress, I am at once a queen of a majestic court and a pauper playing dress up in a fantasy. But it is my heart that in this velvet and satin is allowed to shine. Outwardly I am everything that one would desire; inwardly I am a little less confident. The dress of white satin at the top glistened with the sparkle of a hundred pieces of stars… Red velvet lines the plunging neckline revealing creamy skin. The necklace I wear has been in my family for generations, and is one of the real pieces of beauty I own. Encased in silver, a ruby red heart rests above the very real pounding of my own heart. The bottom of the gown lowers itself to the floor in sweeping graceful waves of red velvet. The back of the dress is a latticework design leaving something to the imagination even as much as it reveals to the eye… And for once my long brown hair had been carefully pinned and tucked under a crown of red roses placed delicately on my head. Tonight’s affair was one of a masquerade. It was to be the epitome of decadence. A cavorting if you will, of free spirits not hindered by the face of their normal day… The mask I’ve chosen tonight with care is one of fine porcelain. I wear only a mask of simplicity covering the truth of the real me… for there in my real face lies all my mystery.

Couples stroll in arm in arm, the men in top hats and tails and the women in extravagant silks and satins. Sweeping gracefully across the floor hands outstretched as they are greeted, their smiles and laughter abound. Taking the scene in all at once, I realize that I still stand alone. Reflecting back to the words of the tailor on that final fitting, I smile lightly. She winks at me as she finishes the satin piping on my dress and speaks offering advice. Her words are light, almost sing song in a fashion sounding more like an enchantment rather than advice:

Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux

I look at her curiously. “What did you say?” She stands with some difficulty and I reach a hand to her to help her and she smiles at me and says:

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye

“Go child, immerse yourself in magic”. She shoos me away and so it was that I left, the dress carefully held in my arms.

Loud laughter brings me back to the present and I shake my head gazing out among the crowd of masked people. The air hangs with a sense of premonition, and it is then that I am drawn to you my love. My eyes catch sight of a figure bathed in the shadows of the emerging night as he enters the room across the way. With a flourish his coat is removed and immediately carried off by those rushing to be of service. No hat adorns this head, but a hand reaches up to brush the lightly falling snow out of it. My eyes roam and the first I see is a porcelain mask covering both eyes, and half of the face. So similar to my simple mask of choice, but this one reveals lips, and your jaw… I cannot help but stare my eyes drinking in the black suit covering the deep red satin tie tucked beneath. Quietly I breathe the words “Similar… in every way”.

The crowd gathers in numbers to the floor and music begins ushering in the nights dancing. Losing sight of you I sigh and move towards the corner of the dance floor. Straining and trying to not show my efforts, I seek around the heads of the dancers but gain no sight of you. Stepping back I lower my eyes ashamed at my efforts and yet wanting to see you again if even for a second.

A gentle hand presses against my bare elbow, fingers pressing into my skin firmly guiding me to the dance floor. I look up startled into your eyes beneath the porcelain mask. My face flushes with embarrassment but I am led to the middle of the dance floor the other dancers as If by magic moving out of our way. Turning your embrace feels like quiet completion as you encircle my waist with your arm and your hand grips mine. The hand is cool not damp, no sign of nervousness unlike the dryness in my throat forbidding any words. Looking away momentarily I inhale the scent of you and gaze back into your deep brown eyes and I realize that they have never once have they left mine. The music changes tempo and the dance becomes one of closeness as the world around us fades away. Your lips slightly part as you breathe leaning towards my ear. I close my eyes and allow your voice to wash over my parched senses…

“I have never seen a rose of rarer beauty than I have seen this very night”.

I fear I won’t be able to stand as your words seduce me, but your embrace holds me tight. Wishing for you to continue and alternately knowing you’ve said everything in that one short sentence I stand quiet in our dance of love.

My mind tumbles over the impossible situation in which we find ourselves. In love? My voice speaks in concern but my heart pushes that demon away almost smiling…in love… yes.

Your lips brush against my ear as you press your body to mine and pull me closer dancing, twirling, and gliding around the dance floor that now holds just us. By a sheer act of willpower I keep my eyes open to see all that the spell of magic holds for me. I am lost, adrift in the luxury your embrace affords me. I sail among the calm seas of bliss in your gaze and realize that I have never felt love like this. It dawns on me then, that nothing else matters but you and I. Nothing…

Throughout the night we dance, never ceasing. Mindful only occasionally of the people standing on the sidelines smiling at the glowing light of love that they share space with. Whispers abound, but we neither see nor hear them. Sitting only occasionally, speaking in soft tones constantly our words find each others ears and hearts with the ease of a navigator crossing lands previously charted. We approach the dawn of a love we’ve never known with much zeal embracing all the emotions we feel, passion, love, desire, permanence. We engulf ourselves together in the emerald dream where love sits by always ready to be had, for those who would ask of it and fear not crossing the bridge into heaven

Only as a dream does, it lasts forever and yet in a blink is over without a second glance and soon the morning light is on us. Streaking through the windows I wonder how something so beautiful can be so harsh in that it signifies our time together must end.

Still locked in the close embrace that we have grown so comfortable in, your eyes penetrate my soul. A deep sadness that I had not seen before resides in you revealing itself only now to me. I smile cautiously and speak “What is it my love?” You lean your head so close to me that even our lips nearly brush each other as you speak. My breath hitches in my chest as your words fall from your lips. Immediately my eyes blink back tears hearing the truth of which you speak.

“I cannot stay my love”.

Your arms wrap themselves around me as the first of a silver tear slips quietly from my eye. Breathing heavily my words a mere whisper…

“Why?” I pause a moment more before continuing “Please stay here with me. Stay and we’ll learn of our purpose in life together.”

Pleading with my eyes, begging with my voice, crying with my heart I continue as you sigh deeply and hold me close in an embrace. Gently you place a finger over my lips quieting my persistence.

“Life takes us in different directions my love. I cannot choose to stay here now to do so would be to partake of something that isn’t ready for us yet.”

Further quieting me as my urge to respond back begins…you hush me again breathing your words to me.

“I will know love, that you exist. And I will return to you in one form or another.” Your lips find my cheek dampened with free flowing tears. Kissing me you speak the words that my heart now has memorized entirely.

“And I will love you as you love me when the time is right. For no one knows the future, but the present path is my journey preset and I am it’s fool, going through its motions unable to stop and change direction.”

I looked up at you unable to speak for the vise had squeezed so tightly around my heart that nothing functioned. No sound is uttered but the words are mouthed perfectly, clearly…

“I love you”

Looking back now, I’ll never forget how the people that were still at the dance that night, sort of faded back into my reality. It was almost as if the night had been a secret chamber in my heart and only those of pure love could be allowed in. Now, the magic of the spell of love had opened my heart, and served it’s purpose depositing its permanence into my soul. Disappearing into the night almost as swiftly as you had arrived, I watched your shadow depart while my hands clutched the rose you had given me, its thorns pricking into my skin...

The kettle of water I had been brewing screams at me now back in this house of love, in the present, and it jars me from my memory. I wipe the tears that have slipped down my face away but, even in my sadness I do not wish you to feel sad should you ever see this carefully crafted testament of my love. This, like so many other expressions of love is a piece of my soul. It must be written even to the person that chooses not to share it with me. It must be so others know it exists. For it is only in loves deep sadness that we know of its capability of being the brightest light.

Alone, I will go on in this house of love, but my heart will know that once in my life it gleaned the purpose of itself. I know that in one magical night, I had loved with the special kind of love so few see. Our love burned quickly, brightly like the stars in the heavens. It was shared, expressed, and known. Although I’m sad that your choice did not lead you to me, I have hope that our hearts will seek each other again. If, they do not… then I know at least that true love exists. For that my love, I thank you… and I love you.

Always,
Your Muse

History DOES repeat itself

Well a year ago today I broke a tooth. Yup, broke it. Split it in half all the way to the gum line. The damage was so bad that I had an infection. I went to the dentist on 11-11-04. Got it fixed and finished in February of 05 (with a root canal I might add).

Well wouldn’t you know it history has a way of repeating itself. 11-17 this year, I cracked another tooth. YAY go me… Keep in mind I have no dental insurance, Hell I don’t have ANY insurance. AND I just socked $965 (and that was after negotiation, the original total was $1300) of repairs into my car…

I wont even go into the “I’m 34 and can’t pay for my own things” rant… You’ve all heard that. The car money was a “gift” from my mother. A GIFT. My god…

This dental work will have to be a loan. I just wish I didn’t have to rely on her. I wish I was in my own financial heaven and that not only do I have huyge amounts in the bank, but that I have a retirement plan or some kind of extra savings so that when I’m 65 I wont have to work for the rest of my life. As it stands, when I’m 65 I’ll be taking one of those senior citizen jobs… you know working at like McDonald’s with all the 15 year olds making money to go cruising or to the movies… I’ll be making money peanuts really, just to survive. * shudders *

I have toyed with the idea of moving back home again, but as much as my mother has been wonderful helping me out… Living with her would put enormous strain on our relationship. We can barely be alone for two hours without a fight, how do you think we would manage a full day, or month, or 6 months!. If I can just make it to July without any emergencies! I’m so close to being able to pay off a good chunk of my bills, and save my OWN money. But every check it’s something. Every damn check.

If I only cracked the crown off a root canal in my mouth, that’s better than having a root canal. But a crown itself is $500-700 depending on where you go. Not to mention the “prep” visits to clean it out and refill it. * sigh *

More later…

Trust

Trust…

It is so important and so elusive.  When I tell you something, I am telling you this because it is truth.  I’m not telling you this to have some elaborate scheme to get some result.  I can put this sort of in the Stars wars frame of mind…

In the movies Palpatine’s actions every single one of them was geared towards a goal even a long term one.  To rule…  SO his befriending anakin, even his placing anakin through suggestive thought, near Padme was all one little piece of the pie that was to become his domain…

I don’t think like that.  Hell I can’t even conceive of some of the things that people can and have conceived of to hurt each other.  

I’ll put it to you another way.  When I joined the sims online three years ago, I had NO concept of online relationships.  It’s not that I thought of them… I DIDN”T even CONCEIVE of the possibility.  What is the word for this?  Naïve?

Then after my first (short, hurtful) attempt at a relationship (anyone remember Kirill?  I bet shaun does :P) I knew of their existence and learned from there…  Then I had no clue that people men even, played female characters.  Until I came across one etc etc.  Or that women played male characters etc.  

Even to this day, I am still awakened by the creativity and ingenuity of the human mind.  I know these worlds of online games etc are immersive.  But I never for a single second thought of creating an entirely second, separate and removed (from yourself) life.  Meaning, creating a character and truly living it… even in email, correspondence, etc…  Now, I’m not saying that I’ve come across this yet, but someone told me of this possibility of this type of existence and let me tell you I was stunned.

I had the proverbial “deer in headlights” look.  That people could even think of that… I am just amazed.  If I EVER come across that…  Someone creating a whole existence, engaging me in friendship, lying to me the whole time and then severing that through any act of split, that would truly be the end of me.  That has the potential… no not potential, it has the true ability to cause me to leave the online world.  I would never be able to trust anyone again if I were thrown in this position.  

For now I’ll just leave you be while I sit stunned digesting this information…

Trust…it is paramount.

Kiarai 1960 - 2005 "Rest in peace my sister...my friend"

Who wants to live forever…forever is our today…
~In Loving Memory of Kiarai 1960 to 11-9-2005

Life is too short. It’s short and its unfair. I had a friend. Still do… I mean, she’s in my heart. But she’s no longer among the bright lights of souls in this plane of existence. The thing is we had –just- started to get close. There were uncanny similarities between her and my real life sister Pam. Including if you can believe this, how they died…

Both had Anuerysm’s. Different kinds of aneurysms but both had them. Pam’s was an aneurysm in her brain at the stem of her brain the hypothalamus.

Kiarai’s aneurysm:
An aortic aneurysm (AN'u-rizm) is a bulge in a blood vessel, much like a bulge on an over-inflated inner tube. Aneurysms are dangerous because they may burst.

Pam’s Aneurysm:
A brain aneurysm, also called a cerebral or intracranial aneurysm, is an abnormal bulging outward of one of the arteries in the brain. It is estimated that up to one in 15 people in the United States will develop a brain aneurysm during their lifetime.

Brain aneurysms are often discovered when they rupture, causing bleeding into the brain or the space closely surrounding the brain called the subarachnoid space, causing a subarachnoid hemorrhage. Subarachnoid hemorrhage from a ruptured brain aneurysm can lead to a hemorrhagic stroke, brain damage and death.

The fact of the matter is that aneurysms as a whole are rare…and now two people I know were affected by this. One person I had just started to get close to after a lifetime of distance (for various reasons). The other person I had just started to get close to so much so that she called me sister. One of the few people I openly trusted with my deepest secrets. Her final email to me was in response to a very lengthy email I sent her telling her of things about me… She called the email subject “Little pieces to hold and protect”.

The following are little snippets of the email in question that are what I find to be the most important and poignant parts of it…

“I can promise you this, till the day of my death none of this will escape my lips, and when I die I shall drink deeply the waters of the River Lethe, so that neither gods nor demons will pry it from me!”

“We are indeed sisters in spirit. Just don’t loose hope. You have 3 strong friends that stuck by you through your blackest time. You also have Michael and I. We will be there to help you when you need it. Just hold on sister, if I can find a pearl in all the sludge, so can you.”

“I feel like I should say more, respond directly to the things you have told me, but the stronger feeling I have is to just let you know, and keep telling you, that you are loved Susan, very much. I promise you this, when I am stable here, I will ask if I can come see you. We will go shopping, have drinks, and do what ever else comes into our heads”

“You have given me a piece of your soul Susan, to hold, cherish and protect, and I will do so.”

And now in an attempt to get my emotions back under control at work, I shall end with a moments silence for my friend, my sister who might have been, and the bright spirit whose light was extinguished long before many were ready for it to be so…


For Kiara: 1960 - 2005
Would that your words strike the match in my heart
The time of which matters not
How soon do we say we love?
Would that your presence provide the calm to my sea of torment
The moment you brighten my day
I barely knew today what your love was
When it was taken before it could bloom
Would that I hold the one piece, fragment I was given
Hold it tight and place it forever in my box of memories
How much would I give to hand it back to you?
And have the whole of you
Would that I cry for your loss, and celebrate your existence
How soon did I say I love you?
Not soon enough...
…I love you.
©SKW

You know....

You know I hate the condescending way that crony talks to me sometimes.  I don’t think she means it, god help her if she does… But she’s always so condescending.  Instead of even once sympathizing with me, she just picks on what I eat.  Well you shouldn’t eat that Ramen, the sodium will give you headaches.  Thanks mom…

And then I go to the bathroom and come out and she turns to me and says “What do you do with your radio show if you have a headache so bad…” While she doesn’t say anymore it’s definitely implied in her statement something about me going home.  Like, you would stay home with a headache this bad (never mind I’m still HERE), but you would still do your radio thing.  I HATE that condescending tone.  
She is one of those people that will never understand the online things I do.  And that’s fine, I never asked her to understand but how dare you pick on it either.  You’re damn right I’d do the online stuff ANYDAY over working in corporate America.  I HATE this environment.  

How I used to thrive in it, I’ll never know…  


And yes, I’m still bored………..

                                       B
                                       O
                                       R
                            B        E
                        B O R E D
                            R
                            E
             B O R E D
                     E
                     A
                     L  B
                     L  O
                     Y  R
              B O R E D
          B O R E  D
                     A
                     L
                     L
                     Y


S O      B O R E D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going insane

    S      S
S O  B O R E D
    B     B
    O    O
    R     R
    E     E
    D     D

@#$%@# what? @%$^(

Monday…again


I’ve been coerced into creating a my space account eek! I know, it’s a bunch of people vying for the “Who’s Hottest Award”. I know too that I don’t fit there lol, but that’s ok. I had several invites to make a page and voila I did.

I found it rather amusing, and frightening that when I added my school, the year I went to school and graduated is before half of the majority populations birth date :P Man do I feel old. Heh

I’m tired today. Stayed up entirely too late doing some things online. It was fun though. Had a few laughs with KRMAIO (lol love ya kami :P). We were deciding on which shade of green for the avocado logo of her new domain name http://www.visualdistractions.com/. Yup avocado yummmmmmmmmmmm
YUMMMMMMMMMMM
YUMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYY

Sorry, got a little carried away there. But I love avocados! (DAMN YOU DANA!!! Lol) It’s all her fault.

And I had a very good conversation with another friend of mine. And I had a very good Sunday complete with fun and more fun and did I mention fun? Wow what a concept :P

Even Crony today seems to be in a good mood. She is pulling apartment ads for me lol. I don’t know whether to be scared or amazed. I think my facial reaction moves between the two emotions. Julie is back today! Julie is a woman who works with me, very hip, very cool and very friendly. She is fun to talk to.

I have no work to do today lol. Well I mean, I did, but I tore through that in like 1 hour.

OH my, I had coffee today… Two 16 oz cups worth. I’m bounding off the walls and I’m bored and I know that tonight I’ll wind up crashing HARD lol.

Let’s see what do I want today (a new game to try and ease my boredom)
I want:
Avocados (just one or ten or so)
A hug and a deep kiss (yea so that rules out my female friends :P)
Cinnamon Apple Cider (It is fall you know)


See that’s not much! I think you should all send me avocados and make me a big thing of apple cider. As for the hug and deep kiss well come on over and HOOK ME UP. Hmm too much sugar…

I’ll go hide now :P

Random poetry comin atcha

Boo
(lol, I kill myself sometimes lol)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

By the wya I've been chronicalling my life as I know it, for a year now... woot go me.

Can I make it 8 months?

8 months….


Well I have to make it 8 months.  If I can make it 8 more months at my current apartment, then I’ll have (fingers crossed hopefully that nothing changes this) all medical and credit card bills paid off… I’ll only have 3 bills outside of living expenses and in one more year beyond that, I’ll have two of those three paid off, leaving only one bill left, and that will be paid off within a few months outside of this plan.  I hope to god I can make it 8 months…   I hope to god nothing comes up like the past has shown.  

The only thing that can improve this, is IF I can manage to save up enough for a deposit on a lower monthly rent apartment, BUT then I would have to borrow the moving money itself..   SO add that to one of the bills… however, my rent would be cheaper…so it’s a double edge sword.  Of the places I’ve seen, the rent is like $700-775.  I have a few places in mind… One seems perfect and the rent on a two bedroom is $70 cheaper than I pay now.  They take dogs too and I THINK the two bedroom has a washer/dryer hookup, but I’d have to buy a washer/dryer.  There is the place I lived at when I first got married.  The laundry is on the second and 4th floor.  But I don’t know how I feel about other people seeing my laundry.  Believe it or not, they take pets now, so I could bring mushu, but I’d have to get a two bedroom per their policy and the two bedrooms aren’t that much cheaper than I pay now.  IF they would let me get away with getting the one bedroom and den, then I would save $51 amonth, but would have to do the quarters and shared laundry thing again, BUT I would have mnushu…  * sigh * In any event, both places are closer to my work and the rent would be even just a bit cheaper.  

The one place I lived at when I was married is in the business district, so no seedy bars, or malls or anything nearby.  Most people that live there work around there and the companies around there are companies like Lucent, AT&T, etc.  I can’t believe I’m actually considering moving back into the place that I lived at for 5 years.  Wow…

Plus I have to make sure I can break my lease.  

So I either make it 8 months or put myself more in debt to move out sooner … I don’t know that after a while I’ll have a choice, especially if the things that happen in my current place keep happening.  I think it is only going to be worse over time.  And then I wont have the luxury of choosing, I’ll just have to go.  

I’ve already backed up my pc onto CD-RW’s in case it gets stolen and hidden my old tower as well as my laptop.  I may even take those to my mothers and leave those there just in case.  Well either I’m moving in two to three months or 8 months, so I suppose I should start going through things and packing again.  Maybe if stuff is packed up it will be less difficult to steal…  God I can’t believe I have to even THINK like that.