Friday, whew... I made it through another week of my life :P

I don’t know what is the matter with crony.  Hot, cold, hot, cold… I can never read her right.  Today’s issue was that I was tired and she approached me about some ECATS (contract approval).  The contract group says they sent it to me on 1-4.  For those of you that know me I file EVERYTHING, even my replies.  So I checked and no email from them.  So then I go to look at something else and she’s like “It SAYS right here” and I said “I KNOW what it says, I…” and she cuts me off with, “My God, sorry”.  I said “I was just finishing that sentence with; I already read what it says”.  And now she’s been in Sharon’s office with the door closed and isn’t talking to me now.  It’s like do you even realize that just two days ago you snapped at me???  Even if what I said could be construed as “attitude” it’s not nearly as bad as the shit she’s said to me in months past.  

Not only that, but Julie confirms to me what I already knew… but still hard confirmation that NOTHING said in this office is said in confidence.  NOTHING.  So that means every thing I’ve spoken to Sharon about in a confidential employer/employee relationship has been passed on.  Even if people don’t speak of it (though I’ve had sufficient evidence to know they DO), they still are privy to things that I’ve shared with Sharon because she’s my boss.  This means financial disclosures (when trying to ensure I get my paycheck on time, which I still have to do routinely), health concerns (when I’ve been sick short of details, she knows why I’m sick so I’m sure the office does now), and my own personal endeavors outside that have come up in conversation between us.  (I.e. potential dates, etc).  I had example of this way back when I started when Crony one day made a comment while we were talking “OH, well I know how you don’t ever go out anywhere, and you like it.”  At this point I had not once even spoken to Crony outside the work context.  Julie however, purposely told things about herself as a test to people in the office and WATCHED it go through the office.  It’s just insane.

I’ve applied at a few jobs recently closer to home.  It’s time.  I like that I can sit here and do nothing and get paid for it, but as much fun as that can be (I mean come on I wrote digital soup on ENG time), it can also be boring as hell.  I have no projects that are in the middle of their full swing right now and all I do is sit here and eat because I’m SOOO BORED.

Not only that, I need to make more money, just because I USED to.  Aside from that I need insurance, and damnit I need 401K.  I’ve dropped all games now except TSO (yes, I reactivated WoW, but it will probably only be for a month), and after July I’m really tightening the belt.  Between now and July I really really need to be more strict on money or I wont have the bills paid off that I want to.  If I do this right, I can pay bills off, AND save some money.  Then next year I can save a HUGE amount.  All this and not having to move home with my mother.  Granted if I move home with my mother, even with storage I can put away a good couple of grand (even living with her for 6 months) but I’m petrified of that prospect.  I remember what life was like with her before my marriage and while we’re older it doesn’t mean we’ll get along any better now…

As far as relationships, I really want to date again.  I’m tired of sitting at home with nothing to do and no one around me.  Everyday the pressure of wanting  a relationship mounts and it’s become so much so that sometimes I don’t even want to be on the computer.  And when I am like that I get SOO much done.  Let me clarify here, it’s not that I feel I need a relationship to complete me, but that I feel I’m ready to learn about HAVING a relationship and sharing, and wanting to support, share and take care of someone who will do the same for me.  

I really do not want anymore empty promises, empty words, or to be strung along.  I’m looking for something real.  If I never find it, then so be it… but I don’t want to be deluded anymore.  So if you’re interested in me (whether online or offline) get off your ass and do what you need to do to make it happen.  If you think you have an interest in me, TELL ME.  If you wish to meet me, then DO SO.  Because if it’s not right in front of my face, then it’s not real and as much as I’ll accept who people are, I won’t accept them into my heart like a partner without the real life aspect of it.

Today, I’m strong… we’ll see how I fair any other day.  

I’m really trying hard to lose weight.  Thank you to everyone who says I’m beautiful no matter my weight.  The thing that’s hardest for you all to see because all you see is the depression is that I DO believe I’m beautiful, but I DETEST my body.  I can’t stand even to look at myself.  I avoid mirrors unless I’m looking just at my face.  Am I a walking health risk, not yet, but soon I will be.  Am I a what’s it my mom would say?  Two ton tessie? Lol  No, but if I keep going I will be.  My bones support me well, my posture holds me well but it’s too much.  

I have deep fears about this weight issue.  I’ll go with this today and bare my soul to you all.  Treat it gently.

First.  I’m afraid that I will lose weight and meet someone who would only love me for my body.  I’m a beautiful woman, I know this, and I know that in the past and even now (just not so much) people were drawn to me.  I don’t know why, but I know that with my fragile sense of self, I’m afraid that I wont be able to be strong enough to notice someone who’s motives aren’t pure.   THIS is part of the reason I don’t want to lose weight, because I want someone to meet me, love me, and support me as I am now..  

Second.  I’m afraid that even if I DO find that someone now, that when I do lose weight I’ll turn into some different person than I’ve ever been and be snotty etc.  I’m afraid that once I start getting attention again (yes, I used to quite a bit… modeling helped ;) But there is more to a model than a body) that I will easily be dissuaded.  This is another reason I don’t want to lose weight AND this reason too is what helped me GET on this path of gaining weight.  How?  Because I was so afraid of this when I was married, I was afraid that despite never having cheated on anyone in my life, that I would realize I was so miserable in my marriage, that even *I* would cheat if someone showed me attention.  So I began to eat to become invisible…

Third.  And the least of my concerns but a concern nonetheless, is that I will lose weight and be more active and rarely if ever be online anymore.  I’ve had some rude awakenings the past few weeks in that I know who my true friends are now (or at least I think so) so while I’m not afraid of losing touch with *everyone* I am afraid of losing touch with those I’ve built friendships with.  I say this from example.  When I went into hiding I lost touch with all my real life friends.  Dana & Beth (and their families) are the only ones to have stuck around and given a shit about me.  They’ve not given me grief when I didn’t call for weeks (even months) on end.  They’ve not made me feel bad for not going over to see them (for Dana anyway… Beth is in Arizona).  All because I was so self absorbed (and still am sometimes) and hiding online.  I’m terrified that when my life changes I will do this to those few folks I’ve built friendships with online.  I do not want to do that to either group.  

Anyway, now that I’ve laid it down and spoken the deep fears I have maybe just seeing them on paper (even digitally) will have some magic to help them take root in my brain and be plucked like weeds keeping a garden from growing.  

One can hope.