Where I’m Bound
I’m looking for comfort
They tell me all I have to do is ask
And you will help me.
Simply.
I am in need of peace.
They urge me to return to you
And you will grant my wish.
Silently.
I am searching for happiness.
They tell me to open my heart
And you will fill it with love.
Sweetly.
I am listening and
I promise to accept your truth.
Sincerely.
~Lori Eberhardy
~*~
Believe
Believe you will emerge from this healthier,
With a greater knowledge and respect
For the body you were given.
Believe your family and friends,
All the people you’ve touched,
And some you may not even be aware of,
Are praying for you to come through this well and strong.
Believe in the compassion, and skill
Of you doctors, your nurses,
And the loving care of your angels.
Believe life holds many wonderful moments
In store for you
And much for you to accomplish
Along the way.
Believe God watches over you,
That he will sit beside you
During the long hours,
And bless you with whatever strength
You need.
~ Sharon Hudnell
~*~
Alone
When you feel you are alone
Remember there are angels
Whose sole purpose
Is to embrace the lonely
~Corinne De Winter
~*~*~*~*~*~
It has been a while since I posted. When I thought about posting again, I had no idea what to say. I have had so many things happen to me, so many things that stuck out and screamed “That’s a blog post!”, but I have lacked the energy some days to post them.
Healing has been a bit harder than I anticipated. As far as the technical stuff that we all want to hear (well most of us anyway), the second pathology came back showing just how far the cancer had spread. The good news is that it didn’t spread too far at all. So he doctor says it is “Well Differentiated”. This apparently means no chemo or radiation and the results were satisfactory enough that my frequent checkups are every 4 months instead of every three months. They will be paps, and cancer screenings, and in a few years when there is no recurrence, I will be completely cancer free. This is good news and I am happy for it.
The incision is healing, but the lower half is not healing nearly as well as the upper half. I now have to have a home nurse come in and show my mother how to “pack” the wound which is exactly what you think it is. Literally packing it everyday with gauze to help it heal from the inside out. I still have 15 staples in me, some higher than the open wound, some lower. The fear is when the lower staples come out I’ll have to pack an even bigger wound, but we don’t know that yet. I have yet another appointment this coming Thursday where I’ll know more then.
I’m still on pain medication, Ibuprofen, and just recently came off a very heavy antibiotic for the infection I had. The infection cleared up enough to not need the antibiotic but I still get nauseated everyday. It’s even worse now after being poked and prodded in my stomach in the mornings.
Which brings me to my current state. Half the time I’m sick (nauseated), the other half I’m in pain, and consistently I’m tired. I’ve not been very talkative if at all on the phone because when I’m sick I can’t even think of being on the phone. I’ve not been onine too much though I do try to be online when I am up to conversation, I just can’t do too many at once.
Oh and when I was weighed at the doctors this past Thursday I had gained weight. I wasn’t too happy about that, but everyone assured me it’s water weight, tissue inflammation and things like that. This should change for the better soon (especially considering how little I really have been eating).
I’ve avoided posting mainly because I didn’t want to come here and work my fear out openly. Nor do I wish to come here and display my sadness whatever it may be over, openly.
I had an interesting talk with my mother about my future plans. I indicated wanting to help people specifically with cancer, to help counsel them in their grieving etc. She wondered if people who were going through chemo and radiation would look to someone like me who hadn’t had to go through that, with any desire to think I even understood what they went through. I really had to think about that. See, I had thought that people who had cancer were kind of in one big bracket. Sure there was some division based on the type, but I hadn’t expected that I couldn’t help or wouldn’t be accepted as one to help simply because my cancer wasn’t the worst it could have been. In the end, I think that I still can be of help because cancer in and of itself is a loss. Especially for those who lose internal organs from it. And most especially those who lost child bearing abilities because of it.
Because I’ve been so sick at times, with very little relief it seems… I’ve been a bit down lately. I just want the nausea to end. Someone said to me in game (someone who hadn’t seen or talked to me in months) “Well at least you’re healing right? I mean that’s good right?”. I felt both positive that, yes I am healing and yes, that is good… but also felt strangely like my cancer had been demeaned, made less important because the initial and biggest threat of it was over. My cancer will never be less important or trivilaized. Even when I’m not looking over my shoulder again watching in fear for signs of it's return, I hope I will NEVER say “well at least I healed, so we can just move on now”. I want to remember the fear & the loss of breath that the unknown future gave me. I want to remember it all and celebrate my passing through it too, but this experience, time, lesson will never be trivial & it never should be.
I have some very special thank yous that I wish to say in my end of post here today because I never want to forget the people who truly among the myriad of faces that were supporting me, stood out in one way or another. Listing these names does not trivialize the comfort, support, prayer or words and deeds that countless others did as well.
Many thanks to:
Mrs. B in AZ (Faith, Hope, Love)
Mr.Uber (special thanks to you and you know why)
Aussie_Male (You make me feel special)
Mrs. Virgo (xoxo)
Ceige (Big Hugs to you)
Mr. Quiet Strength (Your dedication and perserverance are a wonderful gift to me)
Al (a million thanks from my heart for the comfort you gave me the day of surgery)
Barbara (BBNY) (for so many things you do I could barely list any of them)
Elindo (My long distance best friend, my closest long distance friend, my confidante for all the down & dirty, good & bad…otherwise known as the hidden truths.)
AG and family (Timing is everything and your help couldn't have come at a better time)
Everyday I think of the very special things you all have done for me not just in relation to this specific event in my life but also for the things you do everyday...just because. You make me smile, you keep me sane, and you give me love & hope. You are loved in return.
For everyone who has uttered my name in prayer or even just thought, I thank you everyday in so many ways.
XO
Muse
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Short post
I'm sorry for the lengthy time between updates and such. Tonight's post will be very short, because I'm very sick. I've been sick since this weeked and it's only gotten worse today. I've slept pretty much all day with little "up" time. The incision is infected and I'm on antibiotics for it, but it seems to be getting worse. That coupled with nausea and other such things has really kept me from doing anything. I have an appoinment with the doctor on Thursday that I'm hoping I can wait to get to. A trip to the Emergency Room will be more costly than I can afford especially since it looks like my return to work *may* be delayed by this continued sickness...
Thank you for your prayers, they are appreciated. I'll post again when I can.
XO
Thank you for your prayers, they are appreciated. I'll post again when I can.
XO
Friday, October 20, 2006
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MRS B IN AZ!!!!
"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." ~Henry David Thoreau
Today's Affirmation
I choose to think and act from Love.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Late one night a long time ago, I met this woman. When I first saw her with her long brown hair and skinny body (at the time I was only slightly chunky) I wasn’t jealous at all, instead I felt strangely connected to her. We began talking about a number of things. We talked for hours extended our visit long into the night. When we parted I knew I had seen a kindred spirit. But what I didn’t know was that years later we would be friends just as good as we were the very second we met. I had no idea that this woman with her gorgeous hair, beautiful face and open heart was someone who would not only make footprints in my heart, but would also stand by me too; not disappearing from my life as so many people do in our travels.
I interviewed that night with a small company by the name of AND (Authorized Network Distributors) and Mrs. B in AZ made such an impression on me that for 5 months after I didn’t get the job, I called regularly because I knew the company was good and that I wanted to work with this woman. It turns out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life to date.
We’ve laughed together, we’ve cried together. We’ve had our own personal issues with one another. We’ve seen each other through marriage, divorce and the renewal of discovery of love. And when one couldn’t stand (namely me recently) we’ve seen the other stand taller to hold me up. There is no greater triumph in life than to navigate the storms of friendship like we have done.
Now, we are separated by thousands of miles but our friendship is just as strong. It weathers the turns and potholes of life just as any pro, bobbing and weaving perfectly. We sometimes go for months without talking and pick up the phone with just 5 minutes to spare and feel as if no time has passed.
I am grateful for this friendship and today on this day of her birth I wish to say with all my heart and soul, I love you Mrs. B in AZ, and today SHOULD be a celebration for you, because there is none like you. And I for one am grateful that your light has been shown in my life. I wish you all the love you desire for the rest of your life, all the light you need in times of dark, and all the shoulder you should ever need in times of strife. I am here for you just as much as you have been here for me.
I send out thoughts today over and over and over to you of love. Because that is the path I wish for you always.
I love you my friend, Happy Birthday!!!
XO
Muse
Today's Affirmation
I choose to think and act from Love.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Late one night a long time ago, I met this woman. When I first saw her with her long brown hair and skinny body (at the time I was only slightly chunky) I wasn’t jealous at all, instead I felt strangely connected to her. We began talking about a number of things. We talked for hours extended our visit long into the night. When we parted I knew I had seen a kindred spirit. But what I didn’t know was that years later we would be friends just as good as we were the very second we met. I had no idea that this woman with her gorgeous hair, beautiful face and open heart was someone who would not only make footprints in my heart, but would also stand by me too; not disappearing from my life as so many people do in our travels.
I interviewed that night with a small company by the name of AND (Authorized Network Distributors) and Mrs. B in AZ made such an impression on me that for 5 months after I didn’t get the job, I called regularly because I knew the company was good and that I wanted to work with this woman. It turns out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life to date.
We’ve laughed together, we’ve cried together. We’ve had our own personal issues with one another. We’ve seen each other through marriage, divorce and the renewal of discovery of love. And when one couldn’t stand (namely me recently) we’ve seen the other stand taller to hold me up. There is no greater triumph in life than to navigate the storms of friendship like we have done.
Now, we are separated by thousands of miles but our friendship is just as strong. It weathers the turns and potholes of life just as any pro, bobbing and weaving perfectly. We sometimes go for months without talking and pick up the phone with just 5 minutes to spare and feel as if no time has passed.
I am grateful for this friendship and today on this day of her birth I wish to say with all my heart and soul, I love you Mrs. B in AZ, and today SHOULD be a celebration for you, because there is none like you. And I for one am grateful that your light has been shown in my life. I wish you all the love you desire for the rest of your life, all the light you need in times of dark, and all the shoulder you should ever need in times of strife. I am here for you just as much as you have been here for me.
I send out thoughts today over and over and over to you of love. Because that is the path I wish for you always.
I love you my friend, Happy Birthday!!!
XO
Muse
Thursday, October 19, 2006
**Special Update**; Pathlogy Report
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy. ~Thich Nhat Hanh
~*~*~*~*~*~
SPECIAL UPDATE:
There are a few pieces of today’s visit that need to be shared. The first and most important joy is that the doctor thinks she’s gotten rid of all the cancer! YAY!
This is tempered with caution however as the cancer had indeed spread to my cervix and uterus. HOWEVER, she thinks she removed it all by performing the hysterectomy so no chemo or radiation! Just three month checkups to make sure all is well for some time.
My joy is tempered only slightly by the worry of a return, but it is joy nonetheless that no cancer is swimming in my body (or so we think).
I have some surgical issues to deal with stemming from the procedure itself. Namely the staples, my skin’s health and other things that I just won’t share. But these things while they keep me fairly locked in my house still are nonetheless minor compared to the whole picture.
And now for the EXCEPTIONALLY good news and the news that truthfully has me grinning.
Since September 19th, I have lost FIFTY FIVE pounds! Yup 55! The doctor when asked if the removal of my organs contributed to this, said that maybe 5-10 pounds, but the rest was all me. She then said, “So whatever you’re doing, keep doing it”. YAY!!! FIFTY FIVE pounds! WOW. I’m ecstatic over this.
For now this is all this post will contain, but it is such a power packed post of joy for such a small smattering of info!
For now, I will allow myself to bask in joy a feeling I haven’t felt without the shadow of darkness looming over me for some time. Not today… Today is all joy.
XO
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
SPECIAL UPDATE:
There are a few pieces of today’s visit that need to be shared. The first and most important joy is that the doctor thinks she’s gotten rid of all the cancer! YAY!
This is tempered with caution however as the cancer had indeed spread to my cervix and uterus. HOWEVER, she thinks she removed it all by performing the hysterectomy so no chemo or radiation! Just three month checkups to make sure all is well for some time.
My joy is tempered only slightly by the worry of a return, but it is joy nonetheless that no cancer is swimming in my body (or so we think).
I have some surgical issues to deal with stemming from the procedure itself. Namely the staples, my skin’s health and other things that I just won’t share. But these things while they keep me fairly locked in my house still are nonetheless minor compared to the whole picture.
And now for the EXCEPTIONALLY good news and the news that truthfully has me grinning.
Since September 19th, I have lost FIFTY FIVE pounds! Yup 55! The doctor when asked if the removal of my organs contributed to this, said that maybe 5-10 pounds, but the rest was all me. She then said, “So whatever you’re doing, keep doing it”. YAY!!! FIFTY FIVE pounds! WOW. I’m ecstatic over this.
For now this is all this post will contain, but it is such a power packed post of joy for such a small smattering of info!
For now, I will allow myself to bask in joy a feeling I haven’t felt without the shadow of darkness looming over me for some time. Not today… Today is all joy.
XO
Muse
10-19; The Final Result.
"Hope" is the thing with feathers-- That perches in the soul-- And sings the tune without the words-- And never stops--at all-- Emily Dickenson
~*~*~*~*~*~
Today is the appointment in which I get my staples removed and the pathology report showing whether or not I have more cancer. The doctor is hopeful as am I that there is no more , but there is still that nagging voice that always tries to make sure I’m scared just enough to need to pray more. Why can’t we just be hopeful entirely? I know for me if I’m too hopeful and I get there and the doctor says, “I’m sorry we missed some” I would be crushed. So I suppose in some cases, not always, but in some that small voice nagging at you about the negatives is helpful.
It is my prayer this morning that somehow I got lucky enough to not have more cancer in me. From everything I’ve heard from Mrs. Virgo who overheard the doctor talking to my mom, from my mom’s account of what the doctor said to my own questions asked of the doctor later, that there is no more. I pray there isn’t. The paths we see in our lives are not all that pretty and the path I see for myself should I have more is not a path I would choose.
I have been incredibly lucky in this journey. I am grateful for that luck. I do not sneer in the face of it; I am humble in it. But I do ask just one more thing of it. Just one more tiny thing… that I am cancer free.
I make no guarantees of change of life for it, but I promise with all my heart to live in this moment, to know that I have been blessed and lucky and to promise to help others, somehow with respect to this. That is the burning torch I have in my soul while I still hang suspended in this limbo of “in between”. It is what lights my way, and keeps me warm when the cold fear of doubt grips me.
But too, I must admit, I hope too for strength should things NOT go the way I want them. That a diagnosis different than what I hope and expect doesn’t crush me. That maybe I’ll be lucky to that it empowers me to continue.
For now, I stay suspended in the limbo of this journey. But when I return today at some point, the limbo will have ended and one of the many paths in my life will be set before me. I’ll keep you all posted, but for now, hope… and pray.
Thank you all for your support and words and love. May your morning be full of the strength of hope and paths of joy. While I wait for my joy, I hope for yours to be plentiful too.
You are a blessing to me everyday
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
“In all things it is better to hope than to despair” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
~*~*~*~*~*~
Today is the appointment in which I get my staples removed and the pathology report showing whether or not I have more cancer. The doctor is hopeful as am I that there is no more , but there is still that nagging voice that always tries to make sure I’m scared just enough to need to pray more. Why can’t we just be hopeful entirely? I know for me if I’m too hopeful and I get there and the doctor says, “I’m sorry we missed some” I would be crushed. So I suppose in some cases, not always, but in some that small voice nagging at you about the negatives is helpful.
It is my prayer this morning that somehow I got lucky enough to not have more cancer in me. From everything I’ve heard from Mrs. Virgo who overheard the doctor talking to my mom, from my mom’s account of what the doctor said to my own questions asked of the doctor later, that there is no more. I pray there isn’t. The paths we see in our lives are not all that pretty and the path I see for myself should I have more is not a path I would choose.
I have been incredibly lucky in this journey. I am grateful for that luck. I do not sneer in the face of it; I am humble in it. But I do ask just one more thing of it. Just one more tiny thing… that I am cancer free.
I make no guarantees of change of life for it, but I promise with all my heart to live in this moment, to know that I have been blessed and lucky and to promise to help others, somehow with respect to this. That is the burning torch I have in my soul while I still hang suspended in this limbo of “in between”. It is what lights my way, and keeps me warm when the cold fear of doubt grips me.
But too, I must admit, I hope too for strength should things NOT go the way I want them. That a diagnosis different than what I hope and expect doesn’t crush me. That maybe I’ll be lucky to that it empowers me to continue.
For now, I stay suspended in the limbo of this journey. But when I return today at some point, the limbo will have ended and one of the many paths in my life will be set before me. I’ll keep you all posted, but for now, hope… and pray.
Thank you all for your support and words and love. May your morning be full of the strength of hope and paths of joy. While I wait for my joy, I hope for yours to be plentiful too.
You are a blessing to me everyday
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
“In all things it is better to hope than to despair” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Somos Novios
"The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside." ~Dag Hammarskj
~*~*~*~*~*~
Somos Novios (It's Impossible) (with Andrea Bocelli)
Written by Canache Armando Manzanero
Andrea:
Somos novios
Pues los dos sentimos mutuo amor profundo
Y con eso ya ganamos lo más grande
De este mundo
Nos amamos, nos besamos
Como novios
Nos deseamos y hasta a veces
Sin motivo, sin razón
Nos enojamos
Christina:
Somos novios
Mantenemos un cariño limpio y puro
Como todos
Procuramos el momento más oscuro
Both:
Para hablarnos
Para darnos el más dulce de los besos
Recordar de qué color son los cerezos
Sin hacer mas comentarios
Somos novios
Christina:
Ohh ooh ooh, ohh yeah
Both:
It's just impossible
Nos amamos, nos besamos
Como novios
Nos deseamos y hasta a veces
Sin motivo, sin razón
Andrea:
Nos enojamos
Christina:
Sin motivo, sin razón
Andrea:
Somos novios
Both:
Mantenemos un cariño
Andrea:
Limpio y puro
Christina:
Yeah
Andrea:
Como todos
Christina:
Como todos
Andrea:
Procuramos
Both:
El momento más oscuro
Christina:
Ohh yeah
Para hablarnos
Para darnos el más dulce de los besos
Recordar de qué color son los cerezos
Sin hacer mas comentarios
Andrea:
Somos novios
Christina:
Somos novios
Andrea:
Siempre novios
Christina:
Ooh
Both:
Somos novios
Somos Novios (Click the link to listen to this song)
~*~*~*~*~*~
Thanks to Mrs. Virgo for letting me in on this song. It’s been in my head now for two days and the visions I have when listening to it wont stop. They give me peace… I picture a large dance floor, lit with only candles, couples in beautiful outfits, dancing close. While the music wraps around the clasped hands of the dancers, the bodies of each person holding them closer as they dance to the music in their heart.
It’s so pretty.
My appointment draws closer Thursday. This appointment will give me the results of my surgery. Right now that is what I wait on. I’m in some kind of limbo right now recovering, but unable to do ANYTHING. I thought for sure I’d be able to move right into the sitting on my ass part of this recovery with no problems. But even I have to be reminded (which my body is all to happy to do) that I should be sitting.
Anyway, I’m working again on my castle Skye idea, which is a school peer driven by people to help each other learn to express themselves and write their ideas. It also helps people learn how to get published. Keep your eyes open for that ;)
I’m also going to begin writing again. I miss it. And now that I have so much time on my hands perhaps I can take time to do what I should.
I know today’s post is pretty bland, I almost didn’t post today because there isn’t much to report. But I had to share somos novios with you all. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
Have a beautiful day everyone!
You are a blessing to me everyday
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
Somos Novios (It's Impossible) (with Andrea Bocelli)
Written by Canache Armando Manzanero
Andrea:
Somos novios
Pues los dos sentimos mutuo amor profundo
Y con eso ya ganamos lo más grande
De este mundo
Nos amamos, nos besamos
Como novios
Nos deseamos y hasta a veces
Sin motivo, sin razón
Nos enojamos
Christina:
Somos novios
Mantenemos un cariño limpio y puro
Como todos
Procuramos el momento más oscuro
Both:
Para hablarnos
Para darnos el más dulce de los besos
Recordar de qué color son los cerezos
Sin hacer mas comentarios
Somos novios
Christina:
Ohh ooh ooh, ohh yeah
Both:
It's just impossible
Nos amamos, nos besamos
Como novios
Nos deseamos y hasta a veces
Sin motivo, sin razón
Andrea:
Nos enojamos
Christina:
Sin motivo, sin razón
Andrea:
Somos novios
Both:
Mantenemos un cariño
Andrea:
Limpio y puro
Christina:
Yeah
Andrea:
Como todos
Christina:
Como todos
Andrea:
Procuramos
Both:
El momento más oscuro
Christina:
Ohh yeah
Para hablarnos
Para darnos el más dulce de los besos
Recordar de qué color son los cerezos
Sin hacer mas comentarios
Andrea:
Somos novios
Christina:
Somos novios
Andrea:
Siempre novios
Christina:
Ooh
Both:
Somos novios
Somos Novios (Click the link to listen to this song)
~*~*~*~*~*~
Thanks to Mrs. Virgo for letting me in on this song. It’s been in my head now for two days and the visions I have when listening to it wont stop. They give me peace… I picture a large dance floor, lit with only candles, couples in beautiful outfits, dancing close. While the music wraps around the clasped hands of the dancers, the bodies of each person holding them closer as they dance to the music in their heart.
It’s so pretty.
My appointment draws closer Thursday. This appointment will give me the results of my surgery. Right now that is what I wait on. I’m in some kind of limbo right now recovering, but unable to do ANYTHING. I thought for sure I’d be able to move right into the sitting on my ass part of this recovery with no problems. But even I have to be reminded (which my body is all to happy to do) that I should be sitting.
Anyway, I’m working again on my castle Skye idea, which is a school peer driven by people to help each other learn to express themselves and write their ideas. It also helps people learn how to get published. Keep your eyes open for that ;)
I’m also going to begin writing again. I miss it. And now that I have so much time on my hands perhaps I can take time to do what I should.
I know today’s post is pretty bland, I almost didn’t post today because there isn’t much to report. But I had to share somos novios with you all. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
Have a beautiful day everyone!
You are a blessing to me everyday
Muse
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Rules (For my Poetry Thursday poem; The Things we avoid)
I haven't been posting on Poetry Thursday for a few weeks due to my diagnosis, dealings with, and surgery to remove cancer. Today's Poetry Thursday topic isn't one that resonated with me all that well (although i'm SURE I avoid a ton of specific things). So I sat and sat and thought what the hell will I write about! While this poem isn't about period avoidance for writng and styles, it's about how my poems avoid all the rules (mostly) as they're expressions of my heart.
I hope you like it, I think it's nice, light, and devoid of sadness :) That in and of itself is a plus.
Be well everyone, and thank you for reading this :)
The Rules
For some the rules are about rhythm and cadence
Like little soldiers the words march in straight lines
Rising and falling, little breathes of life
Singing to our ears…
fOr sOmE tHe RuLeS aRe AbOuT gRaMmer
and punctuation divine, following form providing a pattern
pleasing to the eye
easy to tolerate the chaos of life when sent with proper grammar
For some it’s the count
The five, seven, five, rules of words
And that makes their poem
For me while I sit on my couch
Laptop balanced precariously on my chest
I think hard, and breathe hard, and strain for the idea to present itself
To dance across my page with spectacular brilliance
Offering insight inspiration or perhaps understanding
But all I can say, write, offer
Is the words from my heart
Painted on this digital canvas in no form
Without proper punctuation and in no structure
The chaos of life is my rule
Expression is my teacher
My heart is the messenger
Inspiration?
Maybe just a diversion…
A break from the tedium, the rhythm, the punctuation, the talent
Sort of smelling the roses, in a digital way,
To make you smile.
©SKW
I hope you like it, I think it's nice, light, and devoid of sadness :) That in and of itself is a plus.
Be well everyone, and thank you for reading this :)
The Rules
For some the rules are about rhythm and cadence
Like little soldiers the words march in straight lines
Rising and falling, little breathes of life
Singing to our ears…
fOr sOmE tHe RuLeS aRe AbOuT gRaMmer
and punctuation divine, following form providing a pattern
pleasing to the eye
easy to tolerate the chaos of life when sent with proper grammar
For some it’s the count
The five, seven, five, rules of words
And that makes their poem
For me while I sit on my couch
Laptop balanced precariously on my chest
I think hard, and breathe hard, and strain for the idea to present itself
To dance across my page with spectacular brilliance
Offering insight inspiration or perhaps understanding
But all I can say, write, offer
Is the words from my heart
Painted on this digital canvas in no form
Without proper punctuation and in no structure
The chaos of life is my rule
Expression is my teacher
My heart is the messenger
Inspiration?
Maybe just a diversion…
A break from the tedium, the rhythm, the punctuation, the talent
Sort of smelling the roses, in a digital way,
To make you smile.
©SKW
Friday, October 13, 2006
Back to Humanity!
"We must enjoy each day--one at a time. We are here on a short visit. Be sure to smell the flowers." ~Alfred A. Montapert
~*~*~*~*~*~
Back to the land of humanity! Today was a glorious (if not semi mildly painful) day. I’m still not sleeping 100% but at least I’m waking up for reasons other than being poked and prodded by needles and interns. My arms look like they’ve fought a war in that they’re black and blue from all the shots and such. But the joy of the day today, was that my skin felt so good to be scrubbed today. I was able to provide some warm washing during my hospital stay but nothing feels like standing in the shower and letting water run over you while you lovingly tend to each section
(note: MILDLY GRAPHIC SECTION)
Aside from all the joy today, the worst however, was seeing the scar fully for the first time. Standing in front of the mirror looking at my stomach and the angry red scar that traces all the way up from my lower regions to past my belly button detouring only slightly around the belly button, gave me a moment’s pause. It looks to be about 30 or more staples and it just looks angry. I stood there for a moment staring and tentatively touching. There was no sadness, just quiet-ness. There was too…amazement perhaps at the angry scar that will always serve as a reminder to me that again, I was saved from a path of reality that could have been far worse (death).
In the background of my loud mind I heard all the arguments and obstructions I had gone through just a few short weeks before. The arguments over money, the doctors and nurses who I felt treated me badly etc. They have become voices in a dream, a dream of “before”. The same doctor who I felt thought I was nothing more than a piece of crap because I had no insurance, in turn, saved my life. This scar is a reminder of that regained life and will hopefully serve as a reminder of the tenuous grasp we all have it.
It’s a sobering moment to stand naked in front of yourself with no smoke to hide your truths. It becomes a new reality when you firmly implant the reminder of the current of emotion you feel RIGHT NOW when you realize that a miracle has taken place. Science, knowledge, dexterity of hand, stirring of heart, however you want to justify it, I am alive and that is the miracle.
I will have many moments like this, naked before the truth of my life, this pivotal piece of it. Some will be happy, some will be sad and still some will such as this, serve as catalysts into a realm uncharted; a realm where miracles exist and give rise to purpose, which in turn fuels change.
Tonight I think I’ll sit and comb my hair. I might even sit out on the deck, and watch the trees. But tonight too I will again thank all that is holy, all who prayed and all love me for helping me be here.
You are all a blessing to me today. Without your thoughts & love, I wouldn’t be here with you now.
XO
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
Back to the land of humanity! Today was a glorious (if not semi mildly painful) day. I’m still not sleeping 100% but at least I’m waking up for reasons other than being poked and prodded by needles and interns. My arms look like they’ve fought a war in that they’re black and blue from all the shots and such. But the joy of the day today, was that my skin felt so good to be scrubbed today. I was able to provide some warm washing during my hospital stay but nothing feels like standing in the shower and letting water run over you while you lovingly tend to each section
(note: MILDLY GRAPHIC SECTION)
Aside from all the joy today, the worst however, was seeing the scar fully for the first time. Standing in front of the mirror looking at my stomach and the angry red scar that traces all the way up from my lower regions to past my belly button detouring only slightly around the belly button, gave me a moment’s pause. It looks to be about 30 or more staples and it just looks angry. I stood there for a moment staring and tentatively touching. There was no sadness, just quiet-ness. There was too…amazement perhaps at the angry scar that will always serve as a reminder to me that again, I was saved from a path of reality that could have been far worse (death).
In the background of my loud mind I heard all the arguments and obstructions I had gone through just a few short weeks before. The arguments over money, the doctors and nurses who I felt treated me badly etc. They have become voices in a dream, a dream of “before”. The same doctor who I felt thought I was nothing more than a piece of crap because I had no insurance, in turn, saved my life. This scar is a reminder of that regained life and will hopefully serve as a reminder of the tenuous grasp we all have it.
It’s a sobering moment to stand naked in front of yourself with no smoke to hide your truths. It becomes a new reality when you firmly implant the reminder of the current of emotion you feel RIGHT NOW when you realize that a miracle has taken place. Science, knowledge, dexterity of hand, stirring of heart, however you want to justify it, I am alive and that is the miracle.
I will have many moments like this, naked before the truth of my life, this pivotal piece of it. Some will be happy, some will be sad and still some will such as this, serve as catalysts into a realm uncharted; a realm where miracles exist and give rise to purpose, which in turn fuels change.
Tonight I think I’ll sit and comb my hair. I might even sit out on the deck, and watch the trees. But tonight too I will again thank all that is holy, all who prayed and all love me for helping me be here.
You are all a blessing to me today. Without your thoughts & love, I wouldn’t be here with you now.
XO
Muse
Thursday, October 12, 2006
10-12-06 AC; Words of Light; XO
"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
~*~
Here is today's Heartfelt Blessing.
"The new way of seeing the world of people and events must begin with a new way of seeing ourselves. The outer world is a reproduction of our inner world. Realize this! How many troubled
people do you know who have not given the slightest attention to this vital fact? Now you know why people remain in their blurred lives. How should you see yourself? As someone capable of self-enriching, self change." ~Vernon Howard
We place ourselves firmly on the pathway to change the moment we realize it is only our own false belief in our limitations that limits us. When we accept that life lies before us, limitless and infinite in its potential, the old barricades crumble and the path to our best becomes clear and well-defined. It is then we accept the truth that as our inner world changes, so does the outer world around us follow suit.
May your day be filled with all things good,
Kate
~*~
Living Potential
Sharing Your Gift With Others
The gifts we are born with and those that we work to develop throughout our lives vary in form and function. Some we find use for every day while others are only useful in specific circumstances. Yet many times we overlook opportunities to share our unique gifts with others. It may be fear of criticism that holds us back or the paralyzing weight of uncertainty. Ultimately, we doubt that our innate talents and practiced skills can truly add value to others' lives. But it is the world as a whole that benefits when we willingly share our gifts. Whether you have been blessed with the ability to awaken beautiful emotions in others through art or industry, or your aptitudes transmit more practical advantages, your gifts are a part of who you are. As you make use of those gifts as best you can, be assured that your contribution to worldly well-being will not be overlooked.
Your personal power is defined in part by your gifts. To use your talents is to demonstrate to the world that you understand yourself and are truly attuned to your capabilities. Your earthly existence provides you with ample opportunity to explore your purpose, to utilize your skills in a life-affirming way, and to positively touch the lives of others while doing so. Yet you may feel that your gifts are not as valuable or worthy of attention as those of others and thus hide them away. However, every gift lying dormant in your soul has the potential to fill a void in someone else's life. Just as your existence is made richer by the love, support, friendship, aid, and compassion of others, so, too, can you add richness to their lives. Your natural ability to soothe hurt, inspire compassion, bake, dance, knit, organize, or think outside the box can be a boon to someone in need.
As you embrace your gifts and allow their light to shine, you will discover that more and more opportunities to make use of them arise. This is because your gifts are a channel through which the universe operates. By simply doing what you are good at and also love to do, you make a positive difference. The recognition you receive for your efforts will pale in comparison to the satisfaction you feel when fulfilling your innate potential
~*~*~*~*~*~
I’ve just arrived home and there is so much to say. I have so many words floating about me, but my body will not let me sit up here for extended periods of time yet. So I thought perhaps to celebrate my arrival home I would just give you light. All of you… light for light.
I love you.
~*~
Here is today's Heartfelt Blessing.
"The new way of seeing the world of people and events must begin with a new way of seeing ourselves. The outer world is a reproduction of our inner world. Realize this! How many troubled
people do you know who have not given the slightest attention to this vital fact? Now you know why people remain in their blurred lives. How should you see yourself? As someone capable of self-enriching, self change." ~Vernon Howard
We place ourselves firmly on the pathway to change the moment we realize it is only our own false belief in our limitations that limits us. When we accept that life lies before us, limitless and infinite in its potential, the old barricades crumble and the path to our best becomes clear and well-defined. It is then we accept the truth that as our inner world changes, so does the outer world around us follow suit.
May your day be filled with all things good,
Kate
~*~
Living Potential
Sharing Your Gift With Others
The gifts we are born with and those that we work to develop throughout our lives vary in form and function. Some we find use for every day while others are only useful in specific circumstances. Yet many times we overlook opportunities to share our unique gifts with others. It may be fear of criticism that holds us back or the paralyzing weight of uncertainty. Ultimately, we doubt that our innate talents and practiced skills can truly add value to others' lives. But it is the world as a whole that benefits when we willingly share our gifts. Whether you have been blessed with the ability to awaken beautiful emotions in others through art or industry, or your aptitudes transmit more practical advantages, your gifts are a part of who you are. As you make use of those gifts as best you can, be assured that your contribution to worldly well-being will not be overlooked.
Your personal power is defined in part by your gifts. To use your talents is to demonstrate to the world that you understand yourself and are truly attuned to your capabilities. Your earthly existence provides you with ample opportunity to explore your purpose, to utilize your skills in a life-affirming way, and to positively touch the lives of others while doing so. Yet you may feel that your gifts are not as valuable or worthy of attention as those of others and thus hide them away. However, every gift lying dormant in your soul has the potential to fill a void in someone else's life. Just as your existence is made richer by the love, support, friendship, aid, and compassion of others, so, too, can you add richness to their lives. Your natural ability to soothe hurt, inspire compassion, bake, dance, knit, organize, or think outside the box can be a boon to someone in need.
As you embrace your gifts and allow their light to shine, you will discover that more and more opportunities to make use of them arise. This is because your gifts are a channel through which the universe operates. By simply doing what you are good at and also love to do, you make a positive difference. The recognition you receive for your efforts will pale in comparison to the satisfaction you feel when fulfilling your innate potential
~*~*~*~*~*~
I’ve just arrived home and there is so much to say. I have so many words floating about me, but my body will not let me sit up here for extended periods of time yet. So I thought perhaps to celebrate my arrival home I would just give you light. All of you… light for light.
I love you.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Muse Update Day #3
Hey there, Michael here. I just thought I'd let everyone know some good news that I received. It appears that the Muse will be home tomorrow! She's not sure what time yet, but the doctors are very encouraged by her recovery so far and she can't wait to get home. What's more, the doctors are confident they got all the cancer and for them the tests are just a formality. Very good news for our lovely Muse. I think I speak for everyone when I say, come home! we miss you!
Michael
Michael
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Update on the Muse Day 2
I had the great fortune of speaking to Cal today for a while. She appears to be getting better while still in pain. The doctors have said that it appears that the cancer did not spread at all, which is fantastic news. Also, while they were in, they said that there were problems (not cancer) with her ovaries and uterus therefore it turned out to be a good thing that they removed them. She is hoping to be back home tomorrow, but we'll have to see what the doctors say. As evidenced by her earlier message, she loves you all and is thankful for each and every one of you.
On a different note, My account was hacked on the Utopia Skye forums by persons unknown at this time. This person has been traced to a DSL account in Chicago. They took advantage of my Admin powers to suspend two honored members of the community (which I have repaired) and to post a very negative post about Caliope in her Prayer thread. This is completely unacceptable and I will continue to track down whoever this was until I find them. I wish to thank Shaun for being online at the time and noticing a different IP address on my account. Before the person could do much damage, he removed all posting and admin abilities from the account. Thank you very much Shaun, you probably saved much headaches. As a result of this intrusion all new accounts are not being approved (since this character appears to have created an account right before he hacked mine), only with admin review. So, just in case this asshole or assholes read the blog as well...know that you will get yours. If you wish to create an account, just send an email to me at swiftshish@yahoo.com and I will be watching for your account to approve it.
Thanks,
Michael
On a different note, My account was hacked on the Utopia Skye forums by persons unknown at this time. This person has been traced to a DSL account in Chicago. They took advantage of my Admin powers to suspend two honored members of the community (which I have repaired) and to post a very negative post about Caliope in her Prayer thread. This is completely unacceptable and I will continue to track down whoever this was until I find them. I wish to thank Shaun for being online at the time and noticing a different IP address on my account. Before the person could do much damage, he removed all posting and admin abilities from the account. Thank you very much Shaun, you probably saved much headaches. As a result of this intrusion all new accounts are not being approved (since this character appears to have created an account right before he hacked mine), only with admin review. So, just in case this asshole or assholes read the blog as well...know that you will get yours. If you wish to create an account, just send an email to me at swiftshish@yahoo.com and I will be watching for your account to approve it.
Thanks,
Michael
Monday, October 09, 2006
1st post from Michael
Hi there, this is Michael for Sue. As most, if not all, of you know, Sue was diagnosed with cancer in September. Today was her surgery to get it removed and have it tested to see if any of the cancer had spread past her endrometrim. I have not received any information yet as to the outcome of the surgery, but I thought I had better post to let everyone know that I'm not holding information out on you. As soon as I know, I'll be back to update. The surgery was supposed to take place at 1:30 CST and be finished in about 2 hours. It's possible it was delayed or something simliar.
Update at 4:00pm PST: The surgery is finished and the doctors say it went really well. She is in recovery right now and they are very optimistic that they got all of the cancer out and that it hasn't spread. Those tests will be done and results will be back in 4 days or so. She hasn't received a room number yet, but she will be staying there until about wednesday or thursday we hope. Thank you all for your warm thoughts and prayers during this time of need. I'm sure the Muse felt you all. I'll post more as I receive more information.
Update at 10:00pm PST: I received a call from our favorite Muse telling me that she was ok. She sounded very tired, but coherent. She told me to tell you all that she loves you and she hopes to be back soon. She also requested that you guys leave comments for her if you wish, or send her PMs. She told me to let you all know that she is in room 2308, bed #2. She was extremely exhausted and I really don't blame her. So I said good night to her and told her I'd call her tomorrow. So until then, night everyone, thank you for your warm wishes and well thoughts.
Michael
Update at 4:00pm PST: The surgery is finished and the doctors say it went really well. She is in recovery right now and they are very optimistic that they got all of the cancer out and that it hasn't spread. Those tests will be done and results will be back in 4 days or so. She hasn't received a room number yet, but she will be staying there until about wednesday or thursday we hope. Thank you all for your warm thoughts and prayers during this time of need. I'm sure the Muse felt you all. I'll post more as I receive more information.
Update at 10:00pm PST: I received a call from our favorite Muse telling me that she was ok. She sounded very tired, but coherent. She told me to tell you all that she loves you and she hopes to be back soon. She also requested that you guys leave comments for her if you wish, or send her PMs. She told me to let you all know that she is in room 2308, bed #2. She was extremely exhausted and I really don't blame her. So I said good night to her and told her I'd call her tomorrow. So until then, night everyone, thank you for your warm wishes and well thoughts.
Michael
The moment of truth
Wherever you go, go with all your heart. --Confucius
~*~*~*~*~*~
My mind races with all the thoughts I have today. I can't even begin to explain. Wondering about feeling empty, wondering about what will happen, fear, tears, peace, just a bubbling brew of emotion that I can't seem to convey properly.
When I fail with my words to express, I speak with my heart. So right now I'll take 5 minutes and close my eyes. I'll think about all the things of peace like the candles, my sanctuary, the beach, the voices this morning wishing me well, the sounds of my mothers heartbeat, and the love that surrounds me. I'll think about those things right now and feel the calm wash over me. I'll hold my right hand over my left like Mark said I should, because Jessie will be holding my hand too. I'll do all of it to find that place of peace.
I take you all with me today, in my heart.
XO
Until later...
Muse; signing off.
~*~*~*~*~*~
My mind races with all the thoughts I have today. I can't even begin to explain. Wondering about feeling empty, wondering about what will happen, fear, tears, peace, just a bubbling brew of emotion that I can't seem to convey properly.
When I fail with my words to express, I speak with my heart. So right now I'll take 5 minutes and close my eyes. I'll think about all the things of peace like the candles, my sanctuary, the beach, the voices this morning wishing me well, the sounds of my mothers heartbeat, and the love that surrounds me. I'll think about those things right now and feel the calm wash over me. I'll hold my right hand over my left like Mark said I should, because Jessie will be holding my hand too. I'll do all of it to find that place of peace.
I take you all with me today, in my heart.
XO
Until later...
Muse; signing off.
12 hours to go
It's 1:12am and here I sit putting off the inevitable. It's amazing how you want every last second possible before undergoing change...
In any event, today is the day. In just a few short hours, I will have surgery that will hopefully rid my body of the cancer that has appeared. Going forward if I'm lucky enough (and with all the prayers I've heard for me, I think I might be :) I will not have any other cancer in my body.
I've heard so many wonderful sentiments. I've heard from people I hadn't expected to hear from, and had newcomers who joined me this past night just "being" with me. That was truly a gift that I needed today. Thank you.
I know I'm putting off the inevitable, but I have thanks to give for the place of relative calm in which I sit at this moment. Thank you everyone for the bit you did to help get me here.
And now for the pertinent information:
As of this moment (I have no clue if I'll get up early enough to make another quick post later), any updates posted here will be posted by the person you know as "Mr. Uber". He will (among others such as Mrs. Virgo) be aware of my current status. Should you have yahoo instant messenger and wish to contact Mr. Uber for updates you can do so at: swiftshish.
I expect to be home in a few days, but I do not know how long before I'll be able to sit at the computer (hopefully only a short time, but only time will tell). You can contact me at my email address if you wish to, but remember I may not be able to respond for some time. I do however love to get letters of well wishes and love so don't be shy ;)
Locally and for those few who have my number or the numbers needed to call and physically check up on me, please feel free to do so, but realize my cell may not be answered for a few days. Voice mails however are welcome too ;)
~*~*~*~*~*~
Earlier tonight as I was sitting on my couch, I moved my two books Candles Lit in My Heart... and I spied a card nestled between the two of them. I'm not sure how this card got there. Recently more than one person has had their hands on my books. When I read the card however, what got me was the absolute perfection of the cards message. Tonight just before I head to bed, and pray for dreams of peace, health, and swift recovery, I thought I had better post about it in case I didn't have time in the morning. So I'll leave you with the card's message. It was largely the reason for the initial slowdown of my fear which allowed me to finally ... breathe.
Thank you to whomever left this card or gave it. It was unbelievably perfect.
~*~*~*~*~*~
UNWRAP THE DAY
"Cease to inquire what the future has in store, and take as a gift whatever the day brings forth." ~ Horace
At some point, we all wish we had a crystal ball to gaze at what the future holds. Yet every minute spent focusing on what will be, only wastes precious moments here and now. The best things in life are often the unexpected ones. Instead of wanting to know what lies ahead, resolve to feel blessed by whatever comes your way.
Simple Steps
* Begin each morning as if a special gift has been dropped on your doorstep. What wonders might it hold? Spend the day finding out.
*At dinnertime, remember one unexpected gift you received today. It could be as simple as feeling the warmth of sunshine on a cold day or hearing a long forgotten song on the radio.
~*~*~*~*~*~
May your day find you warm and secure in love. Even while I'm gone, I'm thinking of you and hoping for peace for you as well as for me. And with that I tell you all, you are a blessing to me everyday.
Especially today.
xo
Muse
In any event, today is the day. In just a few short hours, I will have surgery that will hopefully rid my body of the cancer that has appeared. Going forward if I'm lucky enough (and with all the prayers I've heard for me, I think I might be :) I will not have any other cancer in my body.
I've heard so many wonderful sentiments. I've heard from people I hadn't expected to hear from, and had newcomers who joined me this past night just "being" with me. That was truly a gift that I needed today. Thank you.
I know I'm putting off the inevitable, but I have thanks to give for the place of relative calm in which I sit at this moment. Thank you everyone for the bit you did to help get me here.
And now for the pertinent information:
As of this moment (I have no clue if I'll get up early enough to make another quick post later), any updates posted here will be posted by the person you know as "Mr. Uber". He will (among others such as Mrs. Virgo) be aware of my current status. Should you have yahoo instant messenger and wish to contact Mr. Uber for updates you can do so at: swiftshish.
I expect to be home in a few days, but I do not know how long before I'll be able to sit at the computer (hopefully only a short time, but only time will tell). You can contact me at my email address if you wish to, but remember I may not be able to respond for some time. I do however love to get letters of well wishes and love so don't be shy ;)
Locally and for those few who have my number or the numbers needed to call and physically check up on me, please feel free to do so, but realize my cell may not be answered for a few days. Voice mails however are welcome too ;)
~*~*~*~*~*~
Earlier tonight as I was sitting on my couch, I moved my two books Candles Lit in My Heart... and I spied a card nestled between the two of them. I'm not sure how this card got there. Recently more than one person has had their hands on my books. When I read the card however, what got me was the absolute perfection of the cards message. Tonight just before I head to bed, and pray for dreams of peace, health, and swift recovery, I thought I had better post about it in case I didn't have time in the morning. So I'll leave you with the card's message. It was largely the reason for the initial slowdown of my fear which allowed me to finally ... breathe.
Thank you to whomever left this card or gave it. It was unbelievably perfect.
~*~*~*~*~*~
UNWRAP THE DAY
"Cease to inquire what the future has in store, and take as a gift whatever the day brings forth." ~ Horace
At some point, we all wish we had a crystal ball to gaze at what the future holds. Yet every minute spent focusing on what will be, only wastes precious moments here and now. The best things in life are often the unexpected ones. Instead of wanting to know what lies ahead, resolve to feel blessed by whatever comes your way.
Simple Steps
* Begin each morning as if a special gift has been dropped on your doorstep. What wonders might it hold? Spend the day finding out.
*At dinnertime, remember one unexpected gift you received today. It could be as simple as feeling the warmth of sunshine on a cold day or hearing a long forgotten song on the radio.
~*~*~*~*~*~
May your day find you warm and secure in love. Even while I'm gone, I'm thinking of you and hoping for peace for you as well as for me. And with that I tell you all, you are a blessing to me everyday.
Especially today.
xo
Muse
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Gratitude for Life; 1 Day to go
Today, creator of the Universe, my heart is filled with gratitude for the gift of life you have given me. Thank you for the opportunity to experience this beautiful body and this wonderful mind. Today, I want to express my gratitude for everything I have received from you.
I know the way to say thank you for life is by fully enjoying every moment of my life. And the only way to enjoy every moment is to love. Today, I will express all the love and happiness that exist in my heart. I will love your creations, I will love myself, and I will love the people who live with me. I know that life is too short to waste in misery and drama with the people I love. I will enjoy the presence of the people I love, respecting their choices in life as I respect my own.
Today, I will graciously receive your gifts by enjoying your gifts, by enjoying the beauty of all your creation. Help me to be as generous as you are, to share what I have with generosity, just as you share your gifts so generously with me. Help me to become a master of gratitude, generosity, and love so that I can enjoy all of your creations.
Today, help me to manifest my creation as you manifest the universe, to express the beauty of my spirit in the supreme art of the human; the art of dreaming my life. Today, I give you all of my gratitude and love, because you have given me life.
Amen
Taken from: Prayers, A Communion with our Creator; by Don Miguel Ruiz.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Today when I woke, the first words I spoke were of love. I laid in bed allowing the day, this last day before surgery to wash over me. I wrapped my blanker tighter around me and gave myself something I haven’t given myself in a long time. It was surprisingly easy to do this, despite the barriers I had previously encountered. The first words I spoke were: “I love you Susan”. I repeated them over and over again until I could finally get out of bed.
I have no idea what today will bring to me, but no matter what, I wanted to start it out with love. And it’s been a long time since I told myself that I loved myself. And too, in my blog I wanted to start the day right with a prayer I saw in my new book, that I’ve shared with you all.
In the journey of this moment in my life, I’ve been grateful to people for their help, support, etc. I still am grateful for that. But something else that I’ve done on the flipside is been ungrateful for my life. So many times in my darkest moments I thought, “Why bother” or wondered since I have this cancer if there was life to live.
Fear is very powerful.
I may be depressed sometimes...sad too, but what I am deep in my core is a spirit of light. I KNOW this is true, so I was sad to see this prayer this morning and realize that all along while I was thanking everyone, I had not said a word to the universe/god/goddess etc., thanking divinity for this life I’ve had and will continue to have going forward.
The hardest lesson to learn is that life no matter the circumstances is worth living. This is true no matter what. When I was a teenager, I had this myopic depressive sight of life (that I sometimes have now since my divorce and recently since my diagnosis). It can make life seem like it wasn’t worth it. But even then, even now, when I was at my lowest, in the back of my mind I KNEW it was worth it. I am ashamed that I’ve taken it for granted… again.
Sometimes we need a wake up call. I need many ;)
So wake up, it’s a beautiful day, and I’ve started it off with love and gratitude and just a little bit of fear… That’s ok for me, how about you? How did you start your day today? Don’t you have someone you want to express some love to?
You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
"Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it is dark." ~Zen saying
We stand in the shadow of our lives every time we tell ourselves that something cannot be done because we are not good enough, or strong enough, or rich enough, or young enough or thin enough, or anything else enough. It is only when we boldly declare, "I am enough!" that we are able to step from the shadow and into the light of a beautiful new day.
Kate Nowak; Live More Abundantly
I know the way to say thank you for life is by fully enjoying every moment of my life. And the only way to enjoy every moment is to love. Today, I will express all the love and happiness that exist in my heart. I will love your creations, I will love myself, and I will love the people who live with me. I know that life is too short to waste in misery and drama with the people I love. I will enjoy the presence of the people I love, respecting their choices in life as I respect my own.
Today, I will graciously receive your gifts by enjoying your gifts, by enjoying the beauty of all your creation. Help me to be as generous as you are, to share what I have with generosity, just as you share your gifts so generously with me. Help me to become a master of gratitude, generosity, and love so that I can enjoy all of your creations.
Today, help me to manifest my creation as you manifest the universe, to express the beauty of my spirit in the supreme art of the human; the art of dreaming my life. Today, I give you all of my gratitude and love, because you have given me life.
Amen
Taken from: Prayers, A Communion with our Creator; by Don Miguel Ruiz.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Today when I woke, the first words I spoke were of love. I laid in bed allowing the day, this last day before surgery to wash over me. I wrapped my blanker tighter around me and gave myself something I haven’t given myself in a long time. It was surprisingly easy to do this, despite the barriers I had previously encountered. The first words I spoke were: “I love you Susan”. I repeated them over and over again until I could finally get out of bed.
I have no idea what today will bring to me, but no matter what, I wanted to start it out with love. And it’s been a long time since I told myself that I loved myself. And too, in my blog I wanted to start the day right with a prayer I saw in my new book, that I’ve shared with you all.
In the journey of this moment in my life, I’ve been grateful to people for their help, support, etc. I still am grateful for that. But something else that I’ve done on the flipside is been ungrateful for my life. So many times in my darkest moments I thought, “Why bother” or wondered since I have this cancer if there was life to live.
Fear is very powerful.
I may be depressed sometimes...sad too, but what I am deep in my core is a spirit of light. I KNOW this is true, so I was sad to see this prayer this morning and realize that all along while I was thanking everyone, I had not said a word to the universe/god/goddess etc., thanking divinity for this life I’ve had and will continue to have going forward.
The hardest lesson to learn is that life no matter the circumstances is worth living. This is true no matter what. When I was a teenager, I had this myopic depressive sight of life (that I sometimes have now since my divorce and recently since my diagnosis). It can make life seem like it wasn’t worth it. But even then, even now, when I was at my lowest, in the back of my mind I KNEW it was worth it. I am ashamed that I’ve taken it for granted… again.
Sometimes we need a wake up call. I need many ;)
So wake up, it’s a beautiful day, and I’ve started it off with love and gratitude and just a little bit of fear… That’s ok for me, how about you? How did you start your day today? Don’t you have someone you want to express some love to?
You are a blessing to me everyday.
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
"Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it is dark." ~Zen saying
We stand in the shadow of our lives every time we tell ourselves that something cannot be done because we are not good enough, or strong enough, or rich enough, or young enough or thin enough, or anything else enough. It is only when we boldly declare, "I am enough!" that we are able to step from the shadow and into the light of a beautiful new day.
Kate Nowak; Live More Abundantly
Saturday, October 07, 2006
The Suddenly Bearable Lightness of Being...(2 days to go)
"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis." ~Margaret Bonnano, American writer
"Growth begins when we start to accept our own weaknesses." ~Jean Vanier
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." ~Henry David Thoreau
~*~*~*~*~*~
Today was a day of good soul food and friendship love. I cannot explain what it is that those who are truly my friends do for me. But in their own unique way, from the comments on my blog, the messages on the forum, the posts in other forums, the emails, the calls, the visits, the love; each one of you has played a distinct role in getting me to a place of peace today.
Today for the first time all week long, the demons of torment are quitee and humbled in the corner by how much light has suddenly burst forth from my heart. It’s like a white cocoon that has suddenly without warning enveloped me; and I am grateful for it. I wade in this light like I would wade into healing waters of rejuvenation. I am so grateful for it today.
Thank you Marc, for your EXCEPTIONALLY moving letter. Thank you Ceige for your CONSTANT messages on the forums. Thank you Suzy for your posts that are always uplifting in response to my hardships and delights. Thank you Jules for your messages that always make me smile both in my blog and in my email (I am so touched by your offer of a marathon race, etc… that was so wonderful). Thank you Kami for your candles that you continue to light. Thank you everyone who donated, for the money that you offered. Thank you to those folks in game who have supported me, offered words, and even time in game to just sit with me. Thank you MJM for all you have done for me and continue to do for me through this. Thank you Mrs. Br in AZ for your unfailing support, love, financial help, understanding. Thank you to Walter for listening when perhaps I shouldn’t have spoken at all on Monday. Thank you Abnir for being the friend I needed when I needed it the most. Thank you AG for being patient with me when perhaps I was a bit distraught. Thank you Cray for your words of support and love over the years. Thank you mom for everything. And last but not least thank you today in particular to Mrs. Virgo who yet again has shown me through just her presence alone that indeed angels walk among us and they call themselves our friends.
To those I didn’t specifically mention do not think this a bad thing; remember that your name is on the lips of my heart, being spoken in quiet whispers soothing my mind when I need it the most.
This is all I am about today, is this light, and gratitude. May light, love and peace be yours comfortably and perfectly as they are mine today too.
You are ALL blessings to me everyday.
PS. Thank you too to the company who makes Yellow Tail Reisling (from Australia), I intend to partake of your sweet wine very soon in celebration of the above mentioned gratitude ;)
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION.
Where You Need To Be
Timing Can Be Everything
Since human timetables quite often do not correspond with universal timetables, it's common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment.
Every person fulfills their purpose when the time is right. If you have fast-tracked to success, you may become deeply frustrated if you discover you can no longer satisfy your desires as quickly as you might like. Yet the delays that disappoint you may be laying the foundation for future accomplishments that you have not yet conceived. Or the universe may have plans for you that differ from the worldly aspirations you have pursued up until this point. What you deem a postponement of progress may actually represent an auspicious opportunity to prepare for what is yet to come. If, however, you feel as though the universe is pushing you forward at too fast a clip, you may be unwittingly resisting your destiny. Your unease regarding the speed of your progress could be a sign that you need to cultivate awareness within yourself and learn to move with the flow of fate rather than against it. The universe puts nothing in your path that you are incapable of handling, so you can res! t assured that you are ready to grow into your new situation.
You may feel compelled to judge your personal success using your age, your professional position, your level of education, or the accomplishments of your peers as a yardstick. Yet we all enjoy the major milestones in our lives at the appropriate time-some realize their dreams as youngsters while others flourish only in old age. If you take pride in your many accomplishments and make the most of every circumstance in which you find yourself, your time will come.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
I love you
"Growth begins when we start to accept our own weaknesses." ~Jean Vanier
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." ~Henry David Thoreau
~*~*~*~*~*~
Today was a day of good soul food and friendship love. I cannot explain what it is that those who are truly my friends do for me. But in their own unique way, from the comments on my blog, the messages on the forum, the posts in other forums, the emails, the calls, the visits, the love; each one of you has played a distinct role in getting me to a place of peace today.
Today for the first time all week long, the demons of torment are quitee and humbled in the corner by how much light has suddenly burst forth from my heart. It’s like a white cocoon that has suddenly without warning enveloped me; and I am grateful for it. I wade in this light like I would wade into healing waters of rejuvenation. I am so grateful for it today.
Thank you Marc, for your EXCEPTIONALLY moving letter. Thank you Ceige for your CONSTANT messages on the forums. Thank you Suzy for your posts that are always uplifting in response to my hardships and delights. Thank you Jules for your messages that always make me smile both in my blog and in my email (I am so touched by your offer of a marathon race, etc… that was so wonderful). Thank you Kami for your candles that you continue to light. Thank you everyone who donated, for the money that you offered. Thank you to those folks in game who have supported me, offered words, and even time in game to just sit with me. Thank you MJM for all you have done for me and continue to do for me through this. Thank you Mrs. Br in AZ for your unfailing support, love, financial help, understanding. Thank you to Walter for listening when perhaps I shouldn’t have spoken at all on Monday. Thank you Abnir for being the friend I needed when I needed it the most. Thank you AG for being patient with me when perhaps I was a bit distraught. Thank you Cray for your words of support and love over the years. Thank you mom for everything. And last but not least thank you today in particular to Mrs. Virgo who yet again has shown me through just her presence alone that indeed angels walk among us and they call themselves our friends.
To those I didn’t specifically mention do not think this a bad thing; remember that your name is on the lips of my heart, being spoken in quiet whispers soothing my mind when I need it the most.
This is all I am about today, is this light, and gratitude. May light, love and peace be yours comfortably and perfectly as they are mine today too.
You are ALL blessings to me everyday.
PS. Thank you too to the company who makes Yellow Tail Reisling (from Australia), I intend to partake of your sweet wine very soon in celebration of the above mentioned gratitude ;)
~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION.
Where You Need To Be
Timing Can Be Everything
Since human timetables quite often do not correspond with universal timetables, it's common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment.
Every person fulfills their purpose when the time is right. If you have fast-tracked to success, you may become deeply frustrated if you discover you can no longer satisfy your desires as quickly as you might like. Yet the delays that disappoint you may be laying the foundation for future accomplishments that you have not yet conceived. Or the universe may have plans for you that differ from the worldly aspirations you have pursued up until this point. What you deem a postponement of progress may actually represent an auspicious opportunity to prepare for what is yet to come. If, however, you feel as though the universe is pushing you forward at too fast a clip, you may be unwittingly resisting your destiny. Your unease regarding the speed of your progress could be a sign that you need to cultivate awareness within yourself and learn to move with the flow of fate rather than against it. The universe puts nothing in your path that you are incapable of handling, so you can res! t assured that you are ready to grow into your new situation.
You may feel compelled to judge your personal success using your age, your professional position, your level of education, or the accomplishments of your peers as a yardstick. Yet we all enjoy the major milestones in our lives at the appropriate time-some realize their dreams as youngsters while others flourish only in old age. If you take pride in your many accomplishments and make the most of every circumstance in which you find yourself, your time will come.
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
I love you
Friday, October 06, 2006
3 Days to Go; VERY personal post & an Update on Time
First I must apologize; to those folks I had hoped to see this week, I am sorry that for whatever reason; be it small or large, that I was unable to do so. This goes out to Mrs. Virgo in particular, but it also applies to the phone calls I’ve received that have gone without a response. I had every intention of spending this week with family and friends locally, embracing the love that I could physically feel in hugs and heartbeats. But this week has turned out to be a week spent trying to hide in the world I know will disappear after Monday (or at least will be greatly changed).
It’s a funny thing eh? To hold onto something so dear even though it’s not the best thing?
We all have different ways of dealing with things, mine as of late seems to be hiding (or maybe it’s called self preservation as some kind woman mentioned to me. ((Thank you Barbara!))). I wish I could be like so many others and reach out and actually BE there when people reach back, but I’m not.
We have 3 days to go and here in this blog I still try to write positively as well as honestly (like my letter yesterday). I still remain true to that but fear can be an overwhelming tool. It gains momentum and force as each day draws to a close. And at some times it can seem like a vacuum sucking all the oxygen out of your lungs depriving you of life giving breath. Sometimes this happens… I still have strong moments where I can overcome that fear, but truthfully… we won’t see the disappearance of this fear until after Monday. Then, and only then can fear be vanquished by the fact that I will survive my surgery. Statistics which I’ve buried myself in, positive thoughts which have been showered on me from very corner, and prayers which have been like a blanket of comfort over me, still can’t dispel the fear that creeps quietly into my party of light, bringing its darkness over my heart.
My point is once this surgery is over, I hope (barring any other unfortunate diagnosis like more cancer) that my life will change, but resume a course of positivity and joy. Even if I am diagnosed with more cancer I hope that I can find the strength to stay ahead of the fear and navigate this new storm until it too passes like all things do.
I find that my fear has pushed me hard enough that prayers seem to tumble from my lips in spurts and stutters, falling like the fall leaves tumble from these trees near my home. Sometimes just words, phrases, things like “turn it to light” are the words of comfort my starved mind finds, and other times entire prayers spoken sitting alone at my computer on my couch, while tears flow hot against my cool skin, spoken in the whispers of truth become commonplace.
All I ask for in these prayers is that I can find or be shown my place of peace before Monday. That all these fears, horrific images of surgery gone wrong, incredible unrealistic threats of danger happening to me, don’t plague me in my place of peace. That I can find it, go there, and be there in the comfort of friends, family and perhaps even love.
This post is more a rambling than anything. Believe it or not, it’s actually been written a few times over and over, and changed and re-done. It may sound sad, and it is in many ways, but it’s got little pinpricks of hope’s light written on it too. The hope that on Monday, God will help me find my place of peace so I can make it through the surgery, and years from now look back on this time in my life and go “Wow, I was really scared, I’m glad that I made it through”. Because I don’t ever want to laugh at my posts even if they seem stupid. They aren’t, they’re my heart and sometimes fear talking but they’re all me. And this is all I have… me.
I will share today’s prayer with you all. It’s highly personal. Arguably as some have said maybe I shouldn’t share so much personal with so many strangers. But in my opinion if I do not share this, then someone else who may stumble upon this blog having the same thing going on may NEED to see these words. And if I don’t share these things with others, then why bother writing at all? So to those who read here for inspiration take heart, maybe prayer is your inspiration, maybe sharing my journey is your inspiration… and for those seeking comfort even right now when I’m babbling on and praying alone in fear, know that I reach out to you too and offer you my hand. Maybe the comfort you seek, like I hope for me, is right here in these words.
~*~
Please help me God,
On Monday, I will be going through something I’ve never gone through before, and I need your help with this. I am so sorry that in my choices in life and coupled with fear, that I pissed away your gift of life giving ability. If I could go back I would, to right the tracks for my derailed train. But I can’t. So I ask for your help to forgive me the wrongs I’ve done in my life that have led me here, and to help me find the means to see what I need to do to find my peace.
I told a woman a few weeks ago that sometimes God knows when you can’t stand on your own and he will help you until you can again. Well I can’t stand right now, I can only sit here and cry.
Please help me to get rid of this fear that chokes me so much. Please help me to find my place of peace Monday so the last thing I remember when I go under is light, love, or happiness or all of the above. Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long.
Please help me to just get through Monday and know that everything else will fall into place. Let me believe my own words that I’ve said to so many people “Everything happens for a reason”, let me believe them.
And please, send your angels to watch over me, that when I’m having things removed, that their hands help the doctors so there are no accidents, that their thoughts help the doctors should their be any complications due to my weight, that their hearts beat with the doctors so they know that this person on this table is someone’s friend, someone’s daughter and they put everything into helping me live. But mostly, send your angels to hold my hand so the loneliness I feel quite often in my waking life doesn’t find me in the limbo I will be in during this surgery. Just let them hold my hand.
I make you no promises, but offer you my heart as I have always done.
And one last thing, please give those who care for me peace as they wait anxiously with me for my surgery to be done, the results to be received, and the recovery to go smoothly. Make sure all those waiting know that it will be ok no matter what.
Please…
**Update: My surgery is at 1:30pm cst on Monday, I’ll be leaving my home at 10:00-10:30am to arrive at the hospital by11:30am. FYI **
It’s a funny thing eh? To hold onto something so dear even though it’s not the best thing?
We all have different ways of dealing with things, mine as of late seems to be hiding (or maybe it’s called self preservation as some kind woman mentioned to me. ((Thank you Barbara!))). I wish I could be like so many others and reach out and actually BE there when people reach back, but I’m not.
We have 3 days to go and here in this blog I still try to write positively as well as honestly (like my letter yesterday). I still remain true to that but fear can be an overwhelming tool. It gains momentum and force as each day draws to a close. And at some times it can seem like a vacuum sucking all the oxygen out of your lungs depriving you of life giving breath. Sometimes this happens… I still have strong moments where I can overcome that fear, but truthfully… we won’t see the disappearance of this fear until after Monday. Then, and only then can fear be vanquished by the fact that I will survive my surgery. Statistics which I’ve buried myself in, positive thoughts which have been showered on me from very corner, and prayers which have been like a blanket of comfort over me, still can’t dispel the fear that creeps quietly into my party of light, bringing its darkness over my heart.
My point is once this surgery is over, I hope (barring any other unfortunate diagnosis like more cancer) that my life will change, but resume a course of positivity and joy. Even if I am diagnosed with more cancer I hope that I can find the strength to stay ahead of the fear and navigate this new storm until it too passes like all things do.
I find that my fear has pushed me hard enough that prayers seem to tumble from my lips in spurts and stutters, falling like the fall leaves tumble from these trees near my home. Sometimes just words, phrases, things like “turn it to light” are the words of comfort my starved mind finds, and other times entire prayers spoken sitting alone at my computer on my couch, while tears flow hot against my cool skin, spoken in the whispers of truth become commonplace.
All I ask for in these prayers is that I can find or be shown my place of peace before Monday. That all these fears, horrific images of surgery gone wrong, incredible unrealistic threats of danger happening to me, don’t plague me in my place of peace. That I can find it, go there, and be there in the comfort of friends, family and perhaps even love.
This post is more a rambling than anything. Believe it or not, it’s actually been written a few times over and over, and changed and re-done. It may sound sad, and it is in many ways, but it’s got little pinpricks of hope’s light written on it too. The hope that on Monday, God will help me find my place of peace so I can make it through the surgery, and years from now look back on this time in my life and go “Wow, I was really scared, I’m glad that I made it through”. Because I don’t ever want to laugh at my posts even if they seem stupid. They aren’t, they’re my heart and sometimes fear talking but they’re all me. And this is all I have… me.
I will share today’s prayer with you all. It’s highly personal. Arguably as some have said maybe I shouldn’t share so much personal with so many strangers. But in my opinion if I do not share this, then someone else who may stumble upon this blog having the same thing going on may NEED to see these words. And if I don’t share these things with others, then why bother writing at all? So to those who read here for inspiration take heart, maybe prayer is your inspiration, maybe sharing my journey is your inspiration… and for those seeking comfort even right now when I’m babbling on and praying alone in fear, know that I reach out to you too and offer you my hand. Maybe the comfort you seek, like I hope for me, is right here in these words.
~*~
Please help me God,
On Monday, I will be going through something I’ve never gone through before, and I need your help with this. I am so sorry that in my choices in life and coupled with fear, that I pissed away your gift of life giving ability. If I could go back I would, to right the tracks for my derailed train. But I can’t. So I ask for your help to forgive me the wrongs I’ve done in my life that have led me here, and to help me find the means to see what I need to do to find my peace.
I told a woman a few weeks ago that sometimes God knows when you can’t stand on your own and he will help you until you can again. Well I can’t stand right now, I can only sit here and cry.
Please help me to get rid of this fear that chokes me so much. Please help me to find my place of peace Monday so the last thing I remember when I go under is light, love, or happiness or all of the above. Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long.
Please help me to just get through Monday and know that everything else will fall into place. Let me believe my own words that I’ve said to so many people “Everything happens for a reason”, let me believe them.
And please, send your angels to watch over me, that when I’m having things removed, that their hands help the doctors so there are no accidents, that their thoughts help the doctors should their be any complications due to my weight, that their hearts beat with the doctors so they know that this person on this table is someone’s friend, someone’s daughter and they put everything into helping me live. But mostly, send your angels to hold my hand so the loneliness I feel quite often in my waking life doesn’t find me in the limbo I will be in during this surgery. Just let them hold my hand.
I make you no promises, but offer you my heart as I have always done.
And one last thing, please give those who care for me peace as they wait anxiously with me for my surgery to be done, the results to be received, and the recovery to go smoothly. Make sure all those waiting know that it will be ok no matter what.
Please…
**Update: My surgery is at 1:30pm cst on Monday, I’ll be leaving my home at 10:00-10:30am to arrive at the hospital by11:30am. FYI **
Thursday, October 05, 2006
A very special Letter **Special post**
To my unborn little girl:
My dearest child,
I wonder at this very moment what you will be. Will you be a little boy full of dreams and hopes, baseball and cards, science and technology? Or will you be a little girl, with hair of a deepest caramel color. Full of hopes and dreams, implanted with the light I’ve been given from birth so you can pass it on to others as only females seem sometimes able to do.
I like to think, while I would love a little boy, perhaps I would get lucky to have a beautiful little girl… you. In a perfect world where we can bend reality just a bit in our favor, I would do so many things.
You would have hair that I would never dream of cutting. I would learn how to braid, as I myself never have been able to do. I would share dreams with you of fantastical castles and worlds tucked away in your imagination. I would involve you in all the form of arts that you wished to experience. I would watch you dance with your dance costume, the hat of which would be askew on your head but your smile would dazzle all anyway. I would watch you paint and spill it all over my floors. I would listen to you sing, exploring your voice that sounds somewhat perhaps like mine and I would cry quietly to hear the little girl in me sound like the little girl I know as you.
I would watch you as you grew up through the years, shielding you as I could, but allowing life to seep in so that you grew with experience. I would hold you in my arms when you cried and my heart would break in a thousand pieces for each bit of your soul that you spilled from your eyes. I would burn with anger at things that caused harm to you and that would fuel whatever task I needed to in order to make sure you were safe no matter what.
I would watch you graduate from grade school accepting that diploma, taking your first young adult steps without knowing where things went after each passage of stages of life.
I would watch you grow awkward with me when adolescent years and puberty hit. I would be sad for the little girl whose hair I would braid, and perhaps I would write of our castles that we had built so when you returned to me you could read of how our dreams carried on through my love. I would sit up all night worrying when you went on your dates and be so mad when you came home late but would hug you tightly feeling the anger spill out of me and away form us in the knowledge that you were safe.
I would watch you graduate high school and enter college and begin with fragile steps the path of your life that would help take you to fulfillment in the soul within you that I helped to create. I would give you all the knowledge I had in me to help you make the best decisions you could make.
I would cry for you and with you over the injustices of the world and the corporate America we all know of. I would hold your hand so you could hold your head high knowing that I had your back no matter what.
I would cry when you came home with a stranger in my life who you wished to make a member of the family. I would question him, and be certain that he knew just how special you were to me and make sure he knew that he had to treat you this special too because there is only one you…
And someday when I watched you walk down the aisle into a whole new section of your life, I would remind you before you took that step, that you were always a twinkle in my eye, a light in my heart, and that today you shine with all the love I’ve infused in you that you have made your own.
~*~
I hold my stomach now and know you’re in there, along with this dream that I carried deep in my heart unbeknownst to even me until today. I tell you now as I would tell you as you grew in my fantasy world, that you are special, there is only one of you, but you are not to be mine; that somewhere in the grand scheme of life, this dream that I secretly harbored was not to be for me. And I would remind you that the spirit you would have had through me, still exists for you, but carried by another.
I send out in this letter to a very real soul, a wish that someday when your spirit finds it’s home that perhaps you wonder why you have the passion to sing and write without perhaps knowing that you could. Or perhaps you reach out to others and do not know why you do but know you must…
I wish your spirit a quick journey home, because you should be loved, and will be loved, because you … are … you. And there is only one of you, my angel.
Sue
My dearest child,
I wonder at this very moment what you will be. Will you be a little boy full of dreams and hopes, baseball and cards, science and technology? Or will you be a little girl, with hair of a deepest caramel color. Full of hopes and dreams, implanted with the light I’ve been given from birth so you can pass it on to others as only females seem sometimes able to do.
I like to think, while I would love a little boy, perhaps I would get lucky to have a beautiful little girl… you. In a perfect world where we can bend reality just a bit in our favor, I would do so many things.
You would have hair that I would never dream of cutting. I would learn how to braid, as I myself never have been able to do. I would share dreams with you of fantastical castles and worlds tucked away in your imagination. I would involve you in all the form of arts that you wished to experience. I would watch you dance with your dance costume, the hat of which would be askew on your head but your smile would dazzle all anyway. I would watch you paint and spill it all over my floors. I would listen to you sing, exploring your voice that sounds somewhat perhaps like mine and I would cry quietly to hear the little girl in me sound like the little girl I know as you.
I would watch you as you grew up through the years, shielding you as I could, but allowing life to seep in so that you grew with experience. I would hold you in my arms when you cried and my heart would break in a thousand pieces for each bit of your soul that you spilled from your eyes. I would burn with anger at things that caused harm to you and that would fuel whatever task I needed to in order to make sure you were safe no matter what.
I would watch you graduate from grade school accepting that diploma, taking your first young adult steps without knowing where things went after each passage of stages of life.
I would watch you grow awkward with me when adolescent years and puberty hit. I would be sad for the little girl whose hair I would braid, and perhaps I would write of our castles that we had built so when you returned to me you could read of how our dreams carried on through my love. I would sit up all night worrying when you went on your dates and be so mad when you came home late but would hug you tightly feeling the anger spill out of me and away form us in the knowledge that you were safe.
I would watch you graduate high school and enter college and begin with fragile steps the path of your life that would help take you to fulfillment in the soul within you that I helped to create. I would give you all the knowledge I had in me to help you make the best decisions you could make.
I would cry for you and with you over the injustices of the world and the corporate America we all know of. I would hold your hand so you could hold your head high knowing that I had your back no matter what.
I would cry when you came home with a stranger in my life who you wished to make a member of the family. I would question him, and be certain that he knew just how special you were to me and make sure he knew that he had to treat you this special too because there is only one you…
And someday when I watched you walk down the aisle into a whole new section of your life, I would remind you before you took that step, that you were always a twinkle in my eye, a light in my heart, and that today you shine with all the love I’ve infused in you that you have made your own.
~*~
I hold my stomach now and know you’re in there, along with this dream that I carried deep in my heart unbeknownst to even me until today. I tell you now as I would tell you as you grew in my fantasy world, that you are special, there is only one of you, but you are not to be mine; that somewhere in the grand scheme of life, this dream that I secretly harbored was not to be for me. And I would remind you that the spirit you would have had through me, still exists for you, but carried by another.
I send out in this letter to a very real soul, a wish that someday when your spirit finds it’s home that perhaps you wonder why you have the passion to sing and write without perhaps knowing that you could. Or perhaps you reach out to others and do not know why you do but know you must…
I wish your spirit a quick journey home, because you should be loved, and will be loved, because you … are … you. And there is only one of you, my angel.
Sue
4 Days to go
"So, keep on keeping on living the life which your inner voice directs, kindly, lovingly: giving help wherever you can, giving love and sustenance to this great work of illuminating all life.... Your life is like a pebble dropped into a pool of water, creating ripples endlessly. You do not know the end of a word, a thought, an action." ~White Eagle Quote is taken from page 77 of: Beautiful Road Home
~*~*~*~*~*~
4 Days to go. Things are gearing up for a long stay at home. I have deliveries coming both today and tomorrow, and Saturday I have to go to work and pick up some deliveries that came in my absence. I’ve spent the week foolishly doing only what I want, trying to get enough sleep, watching movies, dozing when I wanted, etc. Today I did laundry in anticipation of the busy end of week.
Thank you so much for the kind thoughts and help allaying my fears. They really do help.
I don’t really have much to say right now other than thank you for your understanding, your patience, and your compassion. It can be hard to see things as others do. I am grateful for the help you have given me.
Perhaps more later…
For now, know you are a blessing to me everyday (In more ways than you know).
Muse
~*~*~*~*~*~
4 Days to go. Things are gearing up for a long stay at home. I have deliveries coming both today and tomorrow, and Saturday I have to go to work and pick up some deliveries that came in my absence. I’ve spent the week foolishly doing only what I want, trying to get enough sleep, watching movies, dozing when I wanted, etc. Today I did laundry in anticipation of the busy end of week.
Thank you so much for the kind thoughts and help allaying my fears. They really do help.
I don’t really have much to say right now other than thank you for your understanding, your patience, and your compassion. It can be hard to see things as others do. I am grateful for the help you have given me.
Perhaps more later…
For now, know you are a blessing to me everyday (In more ways than you know).
Muse
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Dreaming through Turbulence; 5 Days to go
Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top. ~Virginia Woolf
~*~*~*~*~*~
Dreams can be wonderful yes? Sometimes they can be scary too.
I’ve been plagued all week long with the inner workings of my fears as represented to me in dreams. It’s my minds way of working out what it is I can’t work out in my waking time. I can pinpoint exactly where these dreams come from, what fears they stem from… Can you?
In an area that has recently seen horrible flooding and tidal wave action that continues, families desperate to find some dry areas seeks comfort in a house that is on a hill and therefore dry. The family gets inside but as soon as my hand touches the doorknob a tidal wave comes tugging at me pulling me away from the door. I hold on tight, people try desperately to reach me but in the end the water slips between my hands wrenching me away from the door swiftly pulling me away to my watery death of which I can feel every moment until there is nothing but darkness.
I wont even mention the one about fire. It’s just too horrible.
Then there are the dreams of being alone…of dying, not horribly per se, but dying alone. Those are always fun. Then there is last night’s dream that is more like a repeat of history but coupled with the fact that I have cancer. That dream is of hearing my heartbreak over and over again tearing everything I knew down and replacing it with nothing but uncertainty.
It’s to the point where I’m afraid to sleep now. I’ve never been one to dream all that much, but this past week my mind has been on overdrive. And I feel as if my body knows what I’m about to do 5 days from now, because it is screaming at me not to. All the inner workings inside me have suddenly found their voice and are making a hell of a ruckus about the injustice of it all and demanding they stay put.
It’s been on hell of a week thus far, and I’m all out of wine …
~*~*~*~*~*~
Dreams can be wonderful yes? Sometimes they can be scary too.
I’ve been plagued all week long with the inner workings of my fears as represented to me in dreams. It’s my minds way of working out what it is I can’t work out in my waking time. I can pinpoint exactly where these dreams come from, what fears they stem from… Can you?
In an area that has recently seen horrible flooding and tidal wave action that continues, families desperate to find some dry areas seeks comfort in a house that is on a hill and therefore dry. The family gets inside but as soon as my hand touches the doorknob a tidal wave comes tugging at me pulling me away from the door. I hold on tight, people try desperately to reach me but in the end the water slips between my hands wrenching me away from the door swiftly pulling me away to my watery death of which I can feel every moment until there is nothing but darkness.
I wont even mention the one about fire. It’s just too horrible.
Then there are the dreams of being alone…of dying, not horribly per se, but dying alone. Those are always fun. Then there is last night’s dream that is more like a repeat of history but coupled with the fact that I have cancer. That dream is of hearing my heartbreak over and over again tearing everything I knew down and replacing it with nothing but uncertainty.
It’s to the point where I’m afraid to sleep now. I’ve never been one to dream all that much, but this past week my mind has been on overdrive. And I feel as if my body knows what I’m about to do 5 days from now, because it is screaming at me not to. All the inner workings inside me have suddenly found their voice and are making a hell of a ruckus about the injustice of it all and demanding they stay put.
It’s been on hell of a week thus far, and I’m all out of wine …
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Tuesday; 6 days to go
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." ~Aristotle.
"All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life; they’re in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Snapshots don't show the million decisions that led to that moment." ~Richard Bach
~*~*~*~*~*~
Today I head to the hospital to visit my Anesthesiologist. Each day ticks closer to the day of my surgery and as it does it makes me more and more nervous. Being home this week was the best decision I could have made even though financially it’s put a huge burden on me. But the price I pay for that is nothing compared to being able to express how I feel when I feel it. Hopefully it puts me in a good place before this surgery.
That is my goal, to have my mind and spirit be in a place of peace the day I go under so that no matter what I can relax knowing that this is the way it’s supposed to be.
Keep in mind, when I had my procedure done at Loyola in 1994, it took me 6 months to get to that place. I’m trying to get there in little under a week.
As each day passes I also begin to move to the next stage of my fear, which is the 4-day wait after the surgery where they tell me if I have any more cancer in me. After the surgery, those 4 days will seem like an eternity.
I’m a planner. I plan things out methodically. I plan in my mind the map I’ll take for my life and the choices I’ll make as I go along. I even plan for the times I wont be able to plan, allowing myself some room for uncertainty so that when the time comes I know at least, what the bottom line goal is so that I can make the best decision on the fly if I have to. I cannot plan for this. There is nothing I can do to plan for the possibility of cancer in me beyond what is to be removed. The furthest planning I’ve gotten there is that I would have to move home. I guess even the planning of something like that, is just too awful for me to think of.
On a side note, my nights have become full of intense dreams that are my inner working of my fear. My mind is being barraged with these thoughts and as such my dreams now are the ground in which the torments and struggles of all I feel are being worked out. The mind is an interesting tool; I hope it works out my battles for me, because they are tough at times.
I try everyday to plan for the positive. It’s been beaten into my head by a thousand people. Believe me I do try, but on a day to day basis it’s still hard. Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was full of pain, tears, and realizations and the thought that I was SOOO thankful I didn’t have to be at the office as I had a meltdown. Maybe today will be better. Maybe not, but it is what it is (to coin my bosses phrase, and in this setting it somehow fits). This week is my mental health week. And that means anything and everything can and probably will happen.
I wont be making anymore plans this week. It will be day to day spur of the moment. I do not wish to make plans that I cannot keep. I hope those of you near me (geographically anyway) understand that.
So today is another day when I will try again. And that’s all I can do right now.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
I hope you all have a beautiful day. I hope somewhere something makes you smile. Life is full of beautiful moments designed solely to uplift, you just have to open your eyes (and I do too).
You are a blessing to me…
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. ~Buddha
"All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life; they’re in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Snapshots don't show the million decisions that led to that moment." ~Richard Bach
~*~*~*~*~*~
Today I head to the hospital to visit my Anesthesiologist. Each day ticks closer to the day of my surgery and as it does it makes me more and more nervous. Being home this week was the best decision I could have made even though financially it’s put a huge burden on me. But the price I pay for that is nothing compared to being able to express how I feel when I feel it. Hopefully it puts me in a good place before this surgery.
That is my goal, to have my mind and spirit be in a place of peace the day I go under so that no matter what I can relax knowing that this is the way it’s supposed to be.
Keep in mind, when I had my procedure done at Loyola in 1994, it took me 6 months to get to that place. I’m trying to get there in little under a week.
As each day passes I also begin to move to the next stage of my fear, which is the 4-day wait after the surgery where they tell me if I have any more cancer in me. After the surgery, those 4 days will seem like an eternity.
I’m a planner. I plan things out methodically. I plan in my mind the map I’ll take for my life and the choices I’ll make as I go along. I even plan for the times I wont be able to plan, allowing myself some room for uncertainty so that when the time comes I know at least, what the bottom line goal is so that I can make the best decision on the fly if I have to. I cannot plan for this. There is nothing I can do to plan for the possibility of cancer in me beyond what is to be removed. The furthest planning I’ve gotten there is that I would have to move home. I guess even the planning of something like that, is just too awful for me to think of.
On a side note, my nights have become full of intense dreams that are my inner working of my fear. My mind is being barraged with these thoughts and as such my dreams now are the ground in which the torments and struggles of all I feel are being worked out. The mind is an interesting tool; I hope it works out my battles for me, because they are tough at times.
I try everyday to plan for the positive. It’s been beaten into my head by a thousand people. Believe me I do try, but on a day to day basis it’s still hard. Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was full of pain, tears, and realizations and the thought that I was SOOO thankful I didn’t have to be at the office as I had a meltdown. Maybe today will be better. Maybe not, but it is what it is (to coin my bosses phrase, and in this setting it somehow fits). This week is my mental health week. And that means anything and everything can and probably will happen.
I wont be making anymore plans this week. It will be day to day spur of the moment. I do not wish to make plans that I cannot keep. I hope those of you near me (geographically anyway) understand that.
So today is another day when I will try again. And that’s all I can do right now.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
I hope you all have a beautiful day. I hope somewhere something makes you smile. Life is full of beautiful moments designed solely to uplift, you just have to open your eyes (and I do too).
You are a blessing to me…
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. ~Buddha
Monday, October 02, 2006
The stillness of her heartbeat...
"Love much. Earth has enough of bitter in it." ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox
“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” ~Confucius
“Only do what your heart tells you.” ~Princess Diana
~*~*~*~*~*~
There is something to be said about the power of touch. It can be harmful, it can be helpful, it may even save your life.
I notice little things a lot these days. I notice how many people do or don’t light candles. I notice how many do or don’t read my blog. I even notice when someone is on the phone with me, how the conversation goes from one of normalcy to one of “Oh she’s talking and crying about that”. I seem to notice a lot of little things like that, things that sometimes make me sad.
But I also notice things that are uniquely special. Things like freeze frame moments of time that have all the quality of a rich chocolate that you just want to savor. I notice how someone’s eyes can convey entire expressions of emotions without a single word being uttered. I notice the way people have helped me who I never thought would even be able to have done so without question. I have seen strangers reach out to help me just because they felt something special for me and I’ve been grateful for their assistance. I’ve heard of others praying and felt their prayers as if they were falling off my very own lips. I’ve felt at times, a calm stillness overtake me that helps me to see the breeze rustling through the trees and slow things down like my racing heart when gripped in fear.
But nothing, can replace the soft calm that hearing your mother’s heartbeat can and has always given you.
I’ve been trying to be so strong for people around me because mostly people keep telling me “you have to be” because it’s what it is. So I’ve pushed off hugs from my mother in an attempt to be strong and deal with it, chin up, feet first. But that’s not me. I’m the one (lately) who is crumpled over a chair somewhere crying until I can get it out of me and then and only then be able to move on. But this weekend I realized quickly and was reminded gently that there are just some things you can’t ever replace with cold logic and precise forward movement. They are things intended to be gently enjoyed, at a pace much slower than life.
Talking with my mother this weekend was easy. Conversation was good, beneficial etc. And at one point, we hugged. She stood behind me and I was sitting and so this hug whisked me back to the days when I was a little girl hugging my mother tightly. Those days were days before I had to be so strong to face things because no matter what MOM would be there. I don’t know what we were talking about but I know that when I rested my head against her chest, and heard her heartbeat, that even if just for those few seconds, it was going to be ok.
Have you ever sat and just quietly watched a very tall tree sway in the breeze? The sensation of peace and calm was exactly like watching those trees. And it gave me pause… and comfort. The two things I needed the most in my busy day of activity and uncertainty.
There are just some things that can never be replaced. And sometimes in the space of stillness before chaos if you listen you can hear and sometimes even feel the heartbeat of those who love you, including and especially the heartbeat of your mothers heart… Sometimes too for those who miss their mothers all you need to do is close your eyes and place your hand over your own heart. Sometimes just knowing she’s there inside you and always has been, is the best medicine you will ever find.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
I hope for this Monday, you find love in your heart for your mother, for your family, for your loved ones. You can never replace your family so treat them with all the tenderness you would treat any rare exotic flower or garden. Because that’s what family is, our garden of joy and love and we should tend it with all the sunlight our hearts have to give, all of the time.
You are a blessing to me everyday…
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
In time of test, family is best. ~Burmese Proverb
“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” ~Confucius
“Only do what your heart tells you.” ~Princess Diana
~*~*~*~*~*~
There is something to be said about the power of touch. It can be harmful, it can be helpful, it may even save your life.
I notice little things a lot these days. I notice how many people do or don’t light candles. I notice how many do or don’t read my blog. I even notice when someone is on the phone with me, how the conversation goes from one of normalcy to one of “Oh she’s talking and crying about that”. I seem to notice a lot of little things like that, things that sometimes make me sad.
But I also notice things that are uniquely special. Things like freeze frame moments of time that have all the quality of a rich chocolate that you just want to savor. I notice how someone’s eyes can convey entire expressions of emotions without a single word being uttered. I notice the way people have helped me who I never thought would even be able to have done so without question. I have seen strangers reach out to help me just because they felt something special for me and I’ve been grateful for their assistance. I’ve heard of others praying and felt their prayers as if they were falling off my very own lips. I’ve felt at times, a calm stillness overtake me that helps me to see the breeze rustling through the trees and slow things down like my racing heart when gripped in fear.
But nothing, can replace the soft calm that hearing your mother’s heartbeat can and has always given you.
I’ve been trying to be so strong for people around me because mostly people keep telling me “you have to be” because it’s what it is. So I’ve pushed off hugs from my mother in an attempt to be strong and deal with it, chin up, feet first. But that’s not me. I’m the one (lately) who is crumpled over a chair somewhere crying until I can get it out of me and then and only then be able to move on. But this weekend I realized quickly and was reminded gently that there are just some things you can’t ever replace with cold logic and precise forward movement. They are things intended to be gently enjoyed, at a pace much slower than life.
Talking with my mother this weekend was easy. Conversation was good, beneficial etc. And at one point, we hugged. She stood behind me and I was sitting and so this hug whisked me back to the days when I was a little girl hugging my mother tightly. Those days were days before I had to be so strong to face things because no matter what MOM would be there. I don’t know what we were talking about but I know that when I rested my head against her chest, and heard her heartbeat, that even if just for those few seconds, it was going to be ok.
Have you ever sat and just quietly watched a very tall tree sway in the breeze? The sensation of peace and calm was exactly like watching those trees. And it gave me pause… and comfort. The two things I needed the most in my busy day of activity and uncertainty.
There are just some things that can never be replaced. And sometimes in the space of stillness before chaos if you listen you can hear and sometimes even feel the heartbeat of those who love you, including and especially the heartbeat of your mothers heart… Sometimes too for those who miss their mothers all you need to do is close your eyes and place your hand over your own heart. Sometimes just knowing she’s there inside you and always has been, is the best medicine you will ever find.
~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES
I hope for this Monday, you find love in your heart for your mother, for your family, for your loved ones. You can never replace your family so treat them with all the tenderness you would treat any rare exotic flower or garden. Because that’s what family is, our garden of joy and love and we should tend it with all the sunlight our hearts have to give, all of the time.
You are a blessing to me everyday…
XO
~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER
In time of test, family is best. ~Burmese Proverb
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