3 Days to Go; VERY personal post & an Update on Time

First I must apologize; to those folks I had hoped to see this week, I am sorry that for whatever reason; be it small or large, that I was unable to do so.  This goes out to Mrs.  Virgo in particular, but it also applies to the phone calls I’ve received that have gone without a response.   I had every intention of spending this week with family and friends locally, embracing the love that I could physically feel in hugs and heartbeats.  But this week has turned out to be a week spent trying to hide in the world I know will disappear after Monday (or at least will be greatly changed).  

It’s a funny thing eh? To hold onto something so dear even though it’s not the best thing?  

We all have different ways of dealing with things, mine as of late seems to be hiding (or maybe it’s called self preservation as some kind woman mentioned to me. ((Thank you Barbara!))).  I wish I could be like so many others and reach out and actually BE there when people reach back, but I’m not.  

We have 3 days to go and here in this blog I still try to write positively as well as honestly (like my letter yesterday).  I still remain true to that but fear can be an overwhelming tool.  It gains momentum and force as each day draws to a close.  And at some times it can seem like a vacuum sucking all the oxygen out of your lungs depriving you of life giving breath.  Sometimes this happens… I still have strong moments where I can overcome that fear, but truthfully… we won’t see the disappearance of this fear until after Monday.  Then, and only then can fear be vanquished by the fact that I will survive my surgery.  Statistics which I’ve buried myself in, positive thoughts which have been showered on me from very corner, and prayers which have been like a blanket of comfort over me, still can’t dispel the fear that creeps quietly into my party of light, bringing its darkness over my heart.  

My point is once this surgery is over, I hope (barring any other unfortunate diagnosis like more cancer) that my life will change, but resume a course of positivity and joy.  Even if I am diagnosed with more cancer I hope that I can find the strength to stay ahead of the fear and navigate this new storm until it too passes like all things do.

I find that my fear has pushed me hard enough that prayers seem to tumble from my lips in spurts and stutters, falling like the fall leaves tumble from these trees near my home.  Sometimes just words, phrases, things like “turn it to light” are the words of comfort my starved mind finds, and other times entire prayers spoken sitting alone at my computer on my couch, while tears flow hot against my cool skin, spoken in the whispers of truth become commonplace.  

All I ask for in these prayers is that I can find or be shown my place of peace before Monday.  That all these fears, horrific images of surgery gone wrong, incredible unrealistic threats of danger happening to me, don’t plague me in my place of peace.  That I can find it, go there, and be there in the comfort of friends, family and perhaps even love.  

This post is more a rambling than anything.  Believe it or not, it’s actually been written a few times over and over, and changed and re-done.  It may sound sad, and it is in many ways, but it’s got little pinpricks of hope’s light written on it too.  The hope that on Monday, God will help me find my place of peace so I can make it through the surgery, and years from now look back on this time in my life and go “Wow, I was really scared, I’m glad that I made it through”.  Because I don’t ever want to laugh at my posts even if they seem stupid.  They aren’t, they’re my heart and sometimes fear talking but they’re all me.  And this is all I have… me.  

I will share today’s prayer with you all.  It’s highly personal.  Arguably as some have said maybe I shouldn’t share so much personal with so many strangers.  But in my opinion if I do not share this, then someone else who may stumble upon this blog having the same thing going on may NEED to see these words.  And if I don’t share these things with others, then why bother writing at all?  So to those who read here for inspiration take heart, maybe prayer is your inspiration, maybe sharing my journey is your inspiration…  and for those seeking comfort even right now when I’m babbling on and praying alone in fear, know that I reach out to you too and offer you my hand.  Maybe the comfort you seek, like I hope for me, is right here in these words.

~*~
Please help me God,
On Monday, I will be going through something I’ve never gone through before, and I need your help with this.  I am so sorry that in my choices in life and coupled with fear, that I pissed away your gift of life giving ability.  If I could go back I would, to right the tracks for my derailed train.  But I can’t.  So I ask for your help to forgive me the wrongs I’ve done in my life that have led me here, and to help me find the means to see what I need to do to find my peace.

I told a woman a few weeks ago that sometimes God knows when you can’t stand on your own and he will help you until you can again.  Well I can’t stand right now, I can only sit here and cry.  

Please help me to get rid of this fear that chokes me so much.  Please help me to find my place of peace Monday so the last thing I remember when I go under is light, love, or happiness or all of the above.  Help me to accept the change that my life will have to go through and to embrace it going forward without the fear that has kept me back for so long.

Please help me to just get through Monday and know that everything else will fall into place.  Let me believe my own words that I’ve said to so many people “Everything happens for a reason”, let me believe them.

And please, send your angels to watch over me, that when I’m having things removed, that their hands help the doctors so there are no accidents, that their thoughts help the doctors should their be any complications due to my weight, that their hearts beat with the doctors so they know that this person on this table is someone’s friend, someone’s daughter and they put everything into helping me live.  But mostly, send your angels to hold my hand so the loneliness I feel quite often in my waking life doesn’t find me in the limbo I will be in during this surgery.  Just let them hold my hand.

I make you no promises, but offer you my heart as I have always done.  

And one last thing, please give those who care for me peace as they wait anxiously with me for my surgery to be done, the results to be received, and the recovery to go smoothly.  Make sure all those waiting know that it will be ok no matter what.

Please…

**Update:  My surgery is at 1:30pm cst on Monday, I’ll be leaving my home at 10:00-10:30am to arrive at the hospital by11:30am. FYI **