10-19; The Final Result.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers-- That perches in the soul-- And sings the tune without the words-- And never stops--at all-- Emily Dickenson

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Today is the appointment in which I get my staples removed and the pathology report showing whether or not I have more cancer. The doctor is hopeful as am I that there is no more , but there is still that nagging voice that always tries to make sure I’m scared just enough to need to pray more. Why can’t we just be hopeful entirely? I know for me if I’m too hopeful and I get there and the doctor says, “I’m sorry we missed some” I would be crushed. So I suppose in some cases, not always, but in some that small voice nagging at you about the negatives is helpful.

It is my prayer this morning that somehow I got lucky enough to not have more cancer in me. From everything I’ve heard from Mrs. Virgo who overheard the doctor talking to my mom, from my mom’s account of what the doctor said to my own questions asked of the doctor later, that there is no more. I pray there isn’t. The paths we see in our lives are not all that pretty and the path I see for myself should I have more is not a path I would choose.

I have been incredibly lucky in this journey. I am grateful for that luck. I do not sneer in the face of it; I am humble in it. But I do ask just one more thing of it. Just one more tiny thing… that I am cancer free.

I make no guarantees of change of life for it, but I promise with all my heart to live in this moment, to know that I have been blessed and lucky and to promise to help others, somehow with respect to this. That is the burning torch I have in my soul while I still hang suspended in this limbo of “in between”. It is what lights my way, and keeps me warm when the cold fear of doubt grips me.

But too, I must admit, I hope too for strength should things NOT go the way I want them. That a diagnosis different than what I hope and expect doesn’t crush me. That maybe I’ll be lucky to that it empowers me to continue.

For now, I stay suspended in the limbo of this journey. But when I return today at some point, the limbo will have ended and one of the many paths in my life will be set before me. I’ll keep you all posted, but for now, hope… and pray.

Thank you all for your support and words and love. May your morning be full of the strength of hope and paths of joy. While I wait for my joy, I hope for yours to be plentiful too.

You are a blessing to me everyday

Muse

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AND REMEMBER
“In all things it is better to hope than to despair” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe