Prayers, Randomness, Updates, *special post* (LONG post)

Where I’m Bound

I’m looking for comfort
They tell me all I have to do is ask
And you will help me.
Simply.

I am in need of peace.
They urge me to return to you
And you will grant my wish.
Silently.

I am searching for happiness.
They tell me to open my heart
And you will fill it with love.
Sweetly.

I am listening and
I promise to accept your truth.
Sincerely.
~Lori Eberhardy

~*~

Believe

Believe you will emerge from this healthier,
With a greater knowledge and respect
For the body you were given.

Believe your family and friends,
All the people you’ve touched,
And some you may not even be aware of,
Are praying for you to come through this well and strong.

Believe in the compassion, and skill
Of you doctors, your nurses,
And the loving care of your angels.

Believe life holds many wonderful moments
In store for you
And much for you to accomplish
Along the way.

Believe God watches over you,
That he will sit beside you
During the long hours,
And bless you with whatever strength
You need.
~ Sharon Hudnell

~*~

Alone

When you feel you are alone
Remember there are angels
Whose sole purpose
Is to embrace the lonely
~Corinne De Winter

~*~*~*~*~*~

It has been a while since I posted. When I thought about posting again, I had no idea what to say. I have had so many things happen to me, so many things that stuck out and screamed “That’s a blog post!”, but I have lacked the energy some days to post them.

Healing has been a bit harder than I anticipated. As far as the technical stuff that we all want to hear (well most of us anyway), the second pathology came back showing just how far the cancer had spread. The good news is that it didn’t spread too far at all. So he doctor says it is “Well Differentiated”. This apparently means no chemo or radiation and the results were satisfactory enough that my frequent checkups are every 4 months instead of every three months. They will be paps, and cancer screenings, and in a few years when there is no recurrence, I will be completely cancer free. This is good news and I am happy for it.

The incision is healing, but the lower half is not healing nearly as well as the upper half. I now have to have a home nurse come in and show my mother how to “pack” the wound which is exactly what you think it is. Literally packing it everyday with gauze to help it heal from the inside out. I still have 15 staples in me, some higher than the open wound, some lower. The fear is when the lower staples come out I’ll have to pack an even bigger wound, but we don’t know that yet. I have yet another appointment this coming Thursday where I’ll know more then.

I’m still on pain medication, Ibuprofen, and just recently came off a very heavy antibiotic for the infection I had. The infection cleared up enough to not need the antibiotic but I still get nauseated everyday. It’s even worse now after being poked and prodded in my stomach in the mornings.

Which brings me to my current state. Half the time I’m sick (nauseated), the other half I’m in pain, and consistently I’m tired. I’ve not been very talkative if at all on the phone because when I’m sick I can’t even think of being on the phone. I’ve not been onine too much though I do try to be online when I am up to conversation, I just can’t do too many at once.

Oh and when I was weighed at the doctors this past Thursday I had gained weight. I wasn’t too happy about that, but everyone assured me it’s water weight, tissue inflammation and things like that. This should change for the better soon (especially considering how little I really have been eating).

I’ve avoided posting mainly because I didn’t want to come here and work my fear out openly. Nor do I wish to come here and display my sadness whatever it may be over, openly.

I had an interesting talk with my mother about my future plans. I indicated wanting to help people specifically with cancer, to help counsel them in their grieving etc. She wondered if people who were going through chemo and radiation would look to someone like me who hadn’t had to go through that, with any desire to think I even understood what they went through. I really had to think about that. See, I had thought that people who had cancer were kind of in one big bracket. Sure there was some division based on the type, but I hadn’t expected that I couldn’t help or wouldn’t be accepted as one to help simply because my cancer wasn’t the worst it could have been. In the end, I think that I still can be of help because cancer in and of itself is a loss. Especially for those who lose internal organs from it. And most especially those who lost child bearing abilities because of it.

Because I’ve been so sick at times, with very little relief it seems… I’ve been a bit down lately. I just want the nausea to end. Someone said to me in game (someone who hadn’t seen or talked to me in months) “Well at least you’re healing right? I mean that’s good right?”. I felt both positive that, yes I am healing and yes, that is good… but also felt strangely like my cancer had been demeaned, made less important because the initial and biggest threat of it was over. My cancer will never be less important or trivilaized. Even when I’m not looking over my shoulder again watching in fear for signs of it's return, I hope I will NEVER say “well at least I healed, so we can just move on now”. I want to remember the fear & the loss of breath that the unknown future gave me. I want to remember it all and celebrate my passing through it too, but this experience, time, lesson will never be trivial & it never should be.

I have some very special thank yous that I wish to say in my end of post here today because I never want to forget the people who truly among the myriad of faces that were supporting me, stood out in one way or another. Listing these names does not trivialize the comfort, support, prayer or words and deeds that countless others did as well.

Many thanks to:
Mrs. B in AZ (Faith, Hope, Love)
Mr.Uber (special thanks to you and you know why)
Aussie_Male (You make me feel special)
Mrs. Virgo (xoxo)
Ceige (Big Hugs to you)
Mr. Quiet Strength (Your dedication and perserverance are a wonderful gift to me)
Al (a million thanks from my heart for the comfort you gave me the day of surgery)
Barbara (BBNY) (for so many things you do I could barely list any of them)
Elindo (My long distance best friend, my closest long distance friend, my confidante for all the down & dirty, good & bad…otherwise known as the hidden truths.)
AG and family (Timing is everything and your help couldn't have come at a better time)

Everyday I think of the very special things you all have done for me not just in relation to this specific event in my life but also for the things you do everyday...just because. You make me smile, you keep me sane, and you give me love & hope. You are loved in return.

For everyone who has uttered my name in prayer or even just thought, I thank you everyday in so many ways.

XO
Muse