Back to Humanity!

"We must enjoy each day--one at a time. We are here on a short visit.   Be sure to smell the flowers."  ~Alfred A. Montapert

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Back to the land of humanity!  Today was a glorious (if not semi mildly painful) day.  I’m still not sleeping 100% but at least I’m waking up for reasons other than being poked and prodded by needles and interns.  My arms look like they’ve fought a war in that they’re black and blue from all the shots and such.  But the joy of the day today, was that my skin felt so good to be scrubbed today.  I was able to provide some warm washing during my hospital stay but nothing feels like standing in the shower and letting water run over you while you lovingly tend to each section

(note: MILDLY GRAPHIC SECTION)

Aside from all the joy today, the worst however, was seeing the scar fully for the first time.  Standing in front of the mirror looking at my stomach and the angry red scar that traces all the way up from my lower regions to past my belly button detouring only slightly around the belly button, gave me a moment’s pause.  It looks to be about 30 or more staples and it just looks angry.  I stood there for a moment staring and tentatively touching.  There was no sadness, just quiet-ness.  There was too…amazement perhaps at the angry scar that will always serve as a reminder to me that again, I was saved from a path of reality that could have been far worse (death).  

In the background of my loud mind I heard all the arguments and obstructions I had gone through just a few short weeks before.  The arguments over money, the doctors and nurses who I felt treated me badly etc.  They have become voices in a dream, a dream of “before”.  The same doctor who I felt thought I was nothing more than a piece of crap because I had no insurance, in turn, saved my life.  This scar is a reminder of that regained life and will hopefully serve as a reminder of the tenuous grasp we all have it.

It’s a sobering moment to stand naked in front of yourself with no smoke to hide your truths.  It becomes a new reality when you firmly implant the reminder of the current of emotion you feel RIGHT NOW when you realize that a miracle has taken place.  Science, knowledge, dexterity of hand, stirring of heart, however you want to justify it, I am alive and that is the miracle.

I will have many moments like this, naked before the truth of my life, this pivotal piece of it.  Some will be happy, some will be sad and still some will such as this, serve as catalysts into a realm uncharted; a realm where miracles exist and give rise to purpose, which in turn fuels change.  

Tonight I think I’ll sit and comb my hair.  I might even sit out on the deck, and watch the trees.  But tonight too I will again thank all that is holy, all who prayed and all love me for helping me be here.  

You are all a blessing to me today.  Without your thoughts & love, I wouldn’t be here with you now.

XO
Muse