Tuesday; 6 days to go

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." ~Aristotle.

"All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life; they’re in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Snapshots don't show the million decisions that led to that moment." ~Richard Bach

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Today I head to the hospital to visit my Anesthesiologist. Each day ticks closer to the day of my surgery and as it does it makes me more and more nervous. Being home this week was the best decision I could have made even though financially it’s put a huge burden on me. But the price I pay for that is nothing compared to being able to express how I feel when I feel it. Hopefully it puts me in a good place before this surgery.

That is my goal, to have my mind and spirit be in a place of peace the day I go under so that no matter what I can relax knowing that this is the way it’s supposed to be.

Keep in mind, when I had my procedure done at Loyola in 1994, it took me 6 months to get to that place. I’m trying to get there in little under a week.

As each day passes I also begin to move to the next stage of my fear, which is the 4-day wait after the surgery where they tell me if I have any more cancer in me. After the surgery, those 4 days will seem like an eternity.

I’m a planner. I plan things out methodically. I plan in my mind the map I’ll take for my life and the choices I’ll make as I go along. I even plan for the times I wont be able to plan, allowing myself some room for uncertainty so that when the time comes I know at least, what the bottom line goal is so that I can make the best decision on the fly if I have to. I cannot plan for this. There is nothing I can do to plan for the possibility of cancer in me beyond what is to be removed. The furthest planning I’ve gotten there is that I would have to move home. I guess even the planning of something like that, is just too awful for me to think of.

On a side note, my nights have become full of intense dreams that are my inner working of my fear. My mind is being barraged with these thoughts and as such my dreams now are the ground in which the torments and struggles of all I feel are being worked out. The mind is an interesting tool; I hope it works out my battles for me, because they are tough at times.

I try everyday to plan for the positive. It’s been beaten into my head by a thousand people. Believe me I do try, but on a day to day basis it’s still hard. Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was full of pain, tears, and realizations and the thought that I was SOOO thankful I didn’t have to be at the office as I had a meltdown. Maybe today will be better. Maybe not, but it is what it is (to coin my bosses phrase, and in this setting it somehow fits). This week is my mental health week. And that means anything and everything can and probably will happen.

I wont be making anymore plans this week. It will be day to day spur of the moment. I do not wish to make plans that I cannot keep. I hope those of you near me (geographically anyway) understand that.

So today is another day when I will try again. And that’s all I can do right now.

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WELL WISHES

I hope you all have a beautiful day. I hope somewhere something makes you smile. Life is full of beautiful moments designed solely to uplift, you just have to open your eyes (and I do too).

You are a blessing to me…
XO

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AND REMEMBER

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. ~Buddha