Weekly catch up - The Return of Regular Posting - A journey with me to the doctors (VERY long post)

"When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." ~ Audre Lorde, American activist and writer

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As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

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For a journey with me to my doctor’s office, read all the way to the end ;)


“Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.”

When I knew I was having surgery on 10-9, I quietly (even to myself) went into what I call “finality mode”. I honest to god thought I was going to die. The thought was so strong in me that I asked my boss on Friday, the week before my surgery if I could have the week before off too because I needed to “wrap up some things”. I remember all the times I was so sad I thought I could just die or perhaps even maybe wanted to, but just before my surgery when I sat on that table and waited two hours to be prepped and ready, watching people of all ages all walks of life being wheeled in for surgery to save their lives, I thought… “I don’t want to die”.

I knew then that no matter how depressed I was, that I would have to fight much harder to suppress my seemingly natural tendency to head to darkness because when pressed for the second time in my life, when faced with a life threatening illness, my desire for life prevailed.

After the surgery and while I was in the hospital I had no concept of being grateful that I was alive. I was in too much pain, too much discomfort. But when I got home that Thursday and maybe even later like that Friday, I realized that I thought so deeply that I was going to die, that I had made no plans for living.

Now, I’ve been sitting in this quasi-living state ever since, going about the daily routine as if I were just empty sometimes and living while I wait for my inspiration. I’ve had some good ideas but lack the means to carry them out yet. So I wait and sit and live.

But yesterday I had another visit with the doctor that turned to be a small turning point. She removed all the staples yesterday and my next follow up is in two weeks instead of one. The remaining portion of the incision may open, but she doesn’t think so. But the visit wasn’t all-good in that I gained more weight and am now just five pounds lighter than I was before the procedure. As I cried realizing the cancer is behind me (never forgotten but not life threatening now) but that I haven’t been able to do what I need to, all the nurses, the doctor and my mother tried to console me that this will change etc citing reasons why it will, and helping to find out what else to do (medicines and water weight and swollen tissue etc etc)… But I still felt like “I’ve come through cancer, but because I can’t lose my weight, it will kill me”.

Twice I’ve been given the gift of sight that living is really what I want to do. For a brief period of time too (two years or more) I had the beautiful angel Jessie to remind me of this too. My focus now aside from all the things I want to do (namely counseling others in grief, death, loss… my specialties) is to be my own angel along with all the others living and the ones who’ve passed who are whispering to me that I should live. That I’ve been given a very special gift many times over surviving two life threatening events even… and that I should respect it. It’s a hard thing to remember especially when sadness overwhelms me (as it does because I feel so deeply at times).

The good news in this post and it IS good news. Is that after the doctor’s visit, the tears, the frustration. I came home and cleaned out my cabinets. I threw out anything that wasn’t healthy. I promised my mother before the surgery that I would try her “eating plan” and I did. I kept my promise to her but lost sight of it too as I got better. Now however, I renew that promise and add a promise to myself.

I promise to try to remember, that I will lose weight and I will do the things I want to do even if the final result is modified… I will not allow “comforts” to dissuade me from remembering that I have been given a gift of life just as so many have, and I WILL respect it.

It’s a hard lesson when faced everyday with money issues, loneliness issues, health issues & weight issues. But I will remember it. I hope anyone reading this knows that they too are given the gift of life and no matter what it’s worth it.

Thank you again to so many who keep contributing, who keep praying, who keep loving, who keep checking up on me. Your thoughts and words are so lovingly received and appreciated. They are the light in my heart that keeps me going. Thank you so much.

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DAILY INSPIRATION
Courtesy of DailyOm

A Softer Touch
Apply Gentleness To Everything

Throughout life we must cope with blockages that impede our forward momentum. Whether these obstacles are of a personal, professional, or societal nature, our first instinct may be to push against the obstruction. But the simplest way to alleviate resistance is to approach it gently, with a soft manner and kind intentions. Struggle and strife can find no foothold when confronted with mildness because conflict can only exist when fed by two opposing forces. So many areas of our lives can benefit from the application of gentleness. The beauty of gentleness lies in its multifaceted nature. It is part love, part compassion, part patience, part understanding, and part respect for others. When we move through life gently as a matter of course, we naturally attract these wonderful elements into our lives.

This does not mean that gentle people are by nature passive or meek. Rather, their copious inner power is manifested in their gentleness and their choice to move with the flow of the universe instead of against it. You can make use of gentleness in your own life by applying it in situations where you feel challenged by your circumstances or by people in your environment. As you move forward gently, the energy pervading your life will likely shift and, consequently, the blockages before you will vanish. Cooperation progresses smoothly when approached gently because all parties involved feel confident that their needs will be met. And quarrels are easily quelled with gentleness because the dualistic concepts of losing and winning are made moot by our willingness to exercise infinite patience with those whose values differ from our own.

Gentleness must be practiced, as we are inadvertently encouraged to act competitive in certain phases of our lives. At first, your established habits may make being truly gentle challenging. Yet after a time, if you commit to consciously applying gentleness to all areas of your life, whether by collaborating rather than competing or yielding graciously to the impassable roadblocks in your path in order to seek a new road, you will find that you begin to act gently habitually. Your patterns of thought and behavior become ever more peaceful, and you will discover that you encounter far less impassable resistance on your individual journey.

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WELL WISHES

Today, this first day of a traditional post since 10-9-06, I wish sincerely for peace to come to you all. I wish that this Friday brings you much joy, happiness, love, strength (if needed), and relaxation. Don’t be afraid to let your life begin no matter your age. Take 5 minutes and find a place of relaxation today, even if you just close your eyes and see a peaceful image; because that is how it begins…

And Al (aka Caveman on the forums), you make me smile, you give my heart warmth, and my spirit peace. Because of you, the day of the surgery I held my hand just like you said & recited the names of those who gave me peace. Because of you I was at peace when it happened. You are so loved.

You are all a blessing to me everyday
XO

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AND REMEMBER

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no important whatsoever. ~Isak Dinesen


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A journey to the doctors with the Muse

These pics were taken with my digital camera while heading to my doctors appointment yesterday. I thought you might like to make the trip with me (even a day later ;)

This is inside my car. It's called "Moving Messages" and follows the belief that we spread what we feel. I have three of these on my car. The music note inside, the heart on my visor and another on the outside. My car is a moving message of love.

This is the outside of my condominium complex. I rent here, I don't own here.

This is the journey down a very busy stretch of road called "Route 59". It sucks it's so busy!

Beautiful fall colors and scenery. Wish there were more reds, but golds and greens are still pretty too :)

And the must do stop... must have coffee and a donut. (No ice cream though *Pout*)

A moving shot of more colorful fall foliage.

Ahh the tollway, the lovely always under construction tollway. I always get lost driving it, I'm glad my mom drove!

290, That's where we want to be!

No zoo visit for me today. Too cold! :P

The exit leading to the hospital.

First shots of the hospital. A sprawling mass of buildings low rises and high rises that comprises Loyola University Hospital. One of the foremost renowned cancer institutes in Illinois and the home of the Foster G McGraw Hospital & Ronald McDonald Children's Hospital (seen below).

Another shot, closer of the lower level admin buildings.


Foster G McGraw hospital, Ronald McDonald Children's Hospital


The cancer center where I go to see my doctor.


The front of the building. This picture really doesn't do the inside justice. It is a lovely glass enclosed building. The celing is so high but the light that filters in makes it a lovely sight to see. Unfortunately I was unable to take pics of the inside for privacy reasons while patients were there...


The seal of the hospital... the Crest. It is a catholic hospital and truly has one of the best staffs I've ever known inside it. Twice I've been here to various parts of the hospital and twice I've always felt well taken care of. The staff and nurses truly are loving and kind.

There you go! Hope you enjoyed it :)