as of this post I've been living for: 1087942941 Seconds

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Well it’s the day before payday and you know what that means!  Well actually it means there wont be a payday rant today.  I mean I’m just as broke as I was last week so nothing new to rant about there.  The only thing that might set my jovial mood in a tailspin is if they dock me for the day I was at the funeral.  That will really suck.  But even still I suppose I’ll just have to suck it up and move on right?  ;’)

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I have the office to myself this morning.  I’m sitting here in all my unsupervised glory surfing the internet, answering emails, reading blogs, and such.  It’s a GLORIOUS day so far lol.  I know I shouldn’t do it, but the work I have on my desk which has already been calculated and organized, provides me about one hours worth of work today.  The filing that I have provides me about another 2 hours if I did it all instead of one letter at a time.  I have until 4pm today to look busy lol.  I’m buying time so to speak and using what little I DO have to be done while others are here.

But that’s boring isn’t it?  

*sigh* I need a new job.

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So Mr. Horny sends a yahoo blast last night citing that he’s going to return to someone who he just remembered was important.  WOW… Good luck to you, I hope she finds you equally important :P  I’m sure you’ll have a fabulous time as long as she’s an important nympho, unless he found god or his conscience in between.

Which brings me to another point.  I do not want to be liked because I’m last resort.  A few people today have responded to my ad.  I attribute it to mass hysteria or some drug consumption :P But that’s neither here nor there just yet.  Of these people one of them has in their profile that the person they wish to meet is slim/slender etc.  In other words, NOT me.  So very politely as I ALWAYS do to anyone who responds to me, I emailed him and said thanks for checking me out but based on your words, we’re not a match.  I got an email this morning “I don’t care about size”.  Well then why didn’t you mark that?  See, I DO care about size.  I may be obsessing a bit here, but when I say I’m a large woman, I mean LARGE, not size 18 which I realize by society’s standards is considered large.  I mean I’m BIG lol.  What I try to avoid in wearing my weight as a shield is the hurt that comes from people expecting just a plumper version of Anna Nicole Smith (Before she was on drugs and ballooned up to god only knows what weight).  No, I’m not a plus sized model (which incidentally means you’re a size 18, I know... I used to be one).  I’m beyond that now.  I do not want to meet someone who thinks in their mind that I’m just a slightly larger version of the standard.  Why?  Because I can read the surprise in people’s eyes when they see me.  

So I don’t want to be liked because you’ve gotten no response to your profile.  Additionally, I have this reverse fear that guys that respond to me (big guys) are only responding to me because I’m a large woman and they think they can do no better.  

I want to be liked for ME.  

I once had a guy come over to meet (we were FRIENDS in an online game).  He told all his buddies (I didn’t know this at the time), that he was coming over to where I lived to get laid.  So already he’s a loser right? Of course… but I didn’t know that little tidbit before he showed up.  I had told him over and over and drilled it into his head that I am a large woman…  I didn’t know that his character was shallow, had I known I wouldn’t have had him over.  IN any event, he shows up and immediately upon seeing me I could see the surprise in his eyes.  

Have you ever been around someone for HOURS, when you knew they didn’t want to be around you?  I was a good hostess, polite, etc but you could cut the tension with a knife.  Two hours later he left, and I just cried.  The only satisfaction I got out of that night was knowing that (after learning of his intent weeks later) he had no recourse to tell his buddies he got laid.  And he couldn’t tell them what I looked like either because he’d have had to save face.  

I do NOT want to go through that again.  

This whole dating thing with respect to this…sucks.  I hate that most men (sorry to those who aren’t like this that get lumped in this generalization) are all about the looks first.  I will NOT be this weight all my life, but dammit you will love me as this weight or not at all.  Think for two seconds outside the box here, it’s hard enough on a large woman to have self esteem, you know the thing you take for granted?  It’s hard enough to get that, let alone the where with all to actually MEET someone and share your personal life, thoughts, etc with them when you’re battling the societal and personal issues that come with being large.  Then to actually get there and be made to feel like you’re anything less than the wonderful person you are?  It’s not fun.  

Anyway, I hadn’t realized I was going to rant about this today… so sorry. And it’s not even funny, which sucks, I’ve been trying to make my posts funnier and happier.  Today I’ve failed in both.

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WELL WISHES

The well wishes will go on… *smile*

Today I think about everyone and offer them thoughts of love, thoughts of beauty, thoughts of self worth.  It’s something we ALL should feel as we are ALL worth EVERYTHING.  Strength, love and peace to you all.

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And remember:

Lots of things change...lots of them don't...but the fact that I love you...that will always stay the same.