Holiday post (yea so I'm late :D What's it to ya!?)

I know this is kind of late, but it’s still the holidays so here is my Christmas/Holiday notes…

Its funny how this time of year passes. Once upon a time, I used to look forward to these days. Decorations were never a chore, and snow was something to be loved not feared. As we grow older, things creep in the way of this joy. Too many meetings to make, too many things to prepare for. Dinners to be made, family to be accommodated… travel etc. The past three years for me, each season has been on its own marked by changes in my life. Some may be small, some may be large.

2003 – This marked the first holiday of spousal freedom. Not like I had a spouse the previous years, but LEGALLY, I was free this year. This was incidentally the last year I decorated and I did this alone as well.

2004 – The first Christmas spent alone (literally). I had just moved into my home in July. I didn’t decorate this year; I had no passion for it.

2005 – The first Christmas spent with company. Tony came out to visit me and we did essentially what we wanted to do all weekend long. We visited friends and family and gamed all weekend. I didn’t decorate this year either, save for the prelit Christmas tree I dragged out of the closet.

I miss the passion of Christmas. It was the season I LIVED for. Prior to 2003, I used to craft wreaths and trees and garlands for people. I used to decorate with joy (well ok untangling those lights was a bitch, but that’s an entirely different story). I used to scent my home in the spirit of Christmas with its fragrances of cinnamon, apple, pine…

Christmas spirit is something that I think, is a part of the child in you. The one who looked at the beautiful lights and smelled the scents and tasted the food and thought, THIS is what life is… This child didn’t care that the colors on the tree didn’t match but each ornament had a story, each present beheld our life’s wish, each morning was met with a strange fervor because SANTA was coming.

For me, I used to have this passion even as an adult. I guess I’m lucky in that respect because I’ve not lost the imagination and fascination of the Christmas that I knew as a child. But my Christmas or holiday spirit seems to be resting. I hope she comes back soon, because frankly… I miss her. Maybe next year I will be overflowing with such joy that not only will she be back, she will be quietly tugging on my heart all year long preparing me for the pinnacle of a years life celebrated with love, culminating in the overflowing joy of the season.

For now, I have been given a small gift in a “glimpse” of this spirit as believe it or not, I sampled some Christmas teas and read the boxes that have these lovely quotes. Celestial Seasonings has such a good idea in that they foster a sense of peace and inspiration on their packaging of their teas. I know it sounds corny but I look forward to reading these quotes and such. And believe it or not, today they have done what I thought impossible… they gave me a glimpse of the Christmas spirit in me. So I know she hasn’t left entirely, she’s just vacationing; perhaps in sunny Florida :D

And now the quotes and such:

We never know how high we are,
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies
~Emily Dickinson

Every piece of the universe, even the tiniest little snow crystal, matters somehow. I have a place in the patter, and so do you.
~ T.A. Barron

Creativity demands nothing less than all you have. Talent alone is never enough
~Erica Jong

There are souls in this world which have the gift of finding joy everywhere and of leaving it behind them when they go.
~Frederick William Faber

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
~Victor Hugo

Mix a little foolishness with your prudence: it’s good to be silly at the right moment
~Horace

A True Home
A roof to keep out the rain. Four walls to keep out the wind. Floors to keep out the cold. Yes, but home is more than that. It is the laugh of a baby, the song of a mother, the strength of a father. Warmth of loving hearts, light from happy eyeys, kindness, loyalty, comradeship. Home is first school…for the young ones where they learn what is right, what Is good, and what is kind. Where they go for comfort when they are hurt or sick. Where joy is shared and sorrow eased. Where fathers and mothers are respected and loved. Where children are wanted. Where the simplest food is good enough for kings because it is earned. Where money is not so important as loving-kindness. Where even the teakettle sings from happiness. THAT is home…
~Ernestine Schumann-Heink

The Magic of Childhood
Know you what it is to be a child? It is to be something very different from the man of today. It is to have a a spirit yet streaming…It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul…
~Francis Thompson

A Holiday Toast
Let us toast twice. First, to the older generation: May your days come to be many, full of comfort and understanding. May they be spent knowing that those days past have held a completeness uncommon and unknown to many, and that ever detail of your being continues in the lives of those who follow. To the younger generation: May we accept these gifts, knowing that they are of this tradition, of this old-fashioned courage, of ethics, and that they can be carried along forever like rustic relics or they can be worn as wings. Let us wear them as wings.
~Terry Tempest Williams, Refuge

The dreams of childhood…its airy fables, its graceful, beautiful, humane, impossible adornments of the world beyond; so good, to be believed in once, so good to be remembered when outgrown.
~Charles Dickens

Hate is a strong word

I HATE MY JOB.

I want another job…
IHATEMY JOB

HAPPY BERFDAY KRAMIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday and Friday can’t get here soon enough :P

So today is Wednesday and while I have some more things to do at work, I’m not nearly as busy as I would like to be.  I’ve been reading articles on changing careers and while I think perhaps service is not my career of choice anymore… I think that I’ll still be roped into it because it’s what I’m good at.  Maybe just doing service with a company unlike the company I work with, in that their procedures work FOR the customer instead of AGAINST them, might make me feel less frustrated ?  Heh, I don’t know.  

I’m tired…   I need to sleep more soon.  

Well in preparation of payday, I decided to balance my checkbook.  So far so good, no surprises…  Hopefully I can avoid a payday rant then :D  I still need to at least find a job that makes equal to or more than I currently make WITH benefits.  I’m really starting to stress over retirement.  Perhaps prematurely perhaps not.  I just know that if I were disabled for any reason right now, I’d be screwed.  I know that if I were to retire right now I’d be screwed and I know that looking at retirement even at the age of 75 (only 40 years away) means I would have to live on $20,000 a year and that’s to stretch what I can save between now and then another 10 years only…  

It’s not as easy as it used to be for me to just get a job and move on.  Once upon a time my talents were sought after in telecommunications.  Since 2001, the telecommunications industry has suffered greatly and now I’m not so sought after.  Customer service in any other field doesn’t pay as much.  So I’m a bit stuck.  

Apparently my neighbor psycho man has been warned that if there is a single incident again, he will be evicted.  If I can get the Rossi’s to fix the few things that are wrong with my apartment, there is a chance that I may stay as long as psycho man isn’t a factor.  But we’ll see.  I really want to take Mushu with me.  I can’t there, unless I try to negotiate that *light bulb goes off*.  We’ll see.  I like my neighbors short of psycho man.  But psycho man has been very quiet lately.  So maybe he got some medication or a job or something.

I’m still considering Tennessee as a place to live.  There is an apartment there I’m very interested in.  They take dogs, they have washer/dryers in the apartments, the floor plans are spacious and the rent isn’t too bad for a two bedroom ($695 for the one I wanted which is high end).  The problem is the “catch” is that the cost of living is DRASTICALLY reduced there. In order to live like I live here but in Tennessee, I need to make $32-$35 a year…. In TENNESSEE.  That is laughable.  The customer service jobs there are $8 an hour lol.  My salary here is even at an hourly rate almost twice that.  

Why Tennessee you ask?  Well for one, proximity to home.  I kind of want a change of pace, warmer weather (even mildly so) without having to go to California, or Florida for it.  Admittedly moving out of state makes me nervous.  But there are a few people who live close enough to Tennessee that I wouldn’t be alone.  AND if things got really bad, I could drive home in a day (10 hour drive to Chicago).  

The truth of the matter though is I do not think I will find a job that will give me in pay, what I MUST make to live on my own there.  And if I don’t have at LEAST that, I can’t move.  I just wont uproot my life on a whim.  I must have a secure base of funding at least.  
So seeing as I haven’t found a place here (yet) that takes dogs, has a washer/dryer IN UNIT, and is $850 a month or less, I may wind up staying here since I have a good job and at least half the battle won with my current apartment.  If psycho man stays away or if he leaves and the new neighbor is good, then we’re all good.  

For now, too much is up in the air to make a decision.

I’m still hoping I’ll come across a philanthropist who meets me and is smitten with my ideas and just showers me in funding for my business, my writing and whatever else I want so that I can pursue the things I want to pursue.  But… that’s along the fairytale lines.  Sigh

Well for now, I will say goodbye lest I get all philosophical (I’m horribly bored at work today) and start crying about my love life or lack thereof.  Be well friends…

Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRAMIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
*grin*

Happy Holidays even though it's the Day After!

Happy Holidays and all that stuff!


So it’s been a busy busy week leading up to today.  First I had company from Thursday night through Monday afternoon.  Most know him as Tony, some know him as Nyyrikki or Anthony Giovanni.  He came and stayed over Christmas with me.  It was nice.  We did everything we wanted to do.  We visited friends… he met my mother… and we gamed.  Good times for all.

Last week at work had some surprising things in it.  The biggest of which left me absolutely unable to even write and that was: CRONY GAVE ME A GIFT!  I know shocking eh?  And not only that but it was an AWESOME gift of a HUGE candle.  I almost keeled over.  Apparently everyone in this workplace exchanges gifts and with the exception of three people I got gifts from all.  I got everything from a winter pin, 48 zazo teas, Two Candles, Two ornaments, some munchy type stuff, and I even got a Christmas bonus!  The bonus wasn’t much but it was perfectly unexpected and greatly needed.  I spent way too much money while Tony was here, but it was all spent wisely on groceries.  Tony and I had a feast galore everyday this weekend and I still have a full house of groceries for now.  It’s worth it for even that.  

Now however, a day after the holiday I’m back to reality.  All weekend I’ve had a few stories in my head that want to be written and while I’m inspired to think them, I have no desire to write them.  *sigh*  I can’t win for trying lol.  Not only that, but the day after Christmas has left me empty and alone again.  While I’m not wallowing in the quagmire of depression over it, it has left me a touch sad because there are a some people I think I would enjoy to spend time with (holiday or not) and one of them I would like to spend a lot of time with…. Like as a partner.  But, sadly that won’t happen and the sooner I realize this, the sooner I can wake up.  



And now for what has really bothered me fore a few days:

I’ll never understand people’s desire to send me horribly sad, even cryptic messages over a chat client.  I feel tremendously sad for people who really feel there is no way out for them.  I feel sad too for myself because these people would put the burden on me to help support them.  And do not think me unsympathetic, the problem isn’t that… it’s that I’m TOO sympathetic..  I want so badly to help these people if nothing else for the simple reason that they came to me.  But the fact is, I’m not strong enough myself to overcome my own depression/mood shifts/fears.  I can’t offer to others what I do not have myself.  The only thing I can say to those that have confided in me, is please please seek some help locally to you.  If I were there, I would offer a hug, a shoulder.  I would hope to be able to help you find help for yourself.  But I’m not and to place a burden on me some 3,000 miles or more away is not something I can manage.  Not because I don’t want to but because I simply CANNOT being so far away.  If you wish to give this to me and have me help you then take this advice; Seek help!  I do not know how I would handle knowing someone came to me with ideas of suicide and I was unable to help and as a result their light is gone…

A long time ago when I first began my journey online, I knew someone who had some problems.  She had (from her point of view) some sadness over an online with the possibly of reality relationship that had broken up.  As a result she suffered great depression.  Somehow I got stuck in the middle because I knew all affected parties.  I knew her boyfriend, the other woman he left her for, and the original woman who suffered this depression.  One night I got a series of yahoo messages from her about how she was going to kill herself etc.  After a few hours of talking to her and her relaying to me her thoughts on suicide she had told me she heard people outside her door.  She didn’t live in a very good neighborhood or so she said (I did not even know her area to know if she did or didn’t).  I made her give me her phone number and I talked to her on the phone for hours sharing some things about myself with her to try and help her.  I will never forget that night how heart wrenching it was to be unable to DO a thing, but to listen and absorb her pain as best I could…  It is not an easy thing to do.  In any event at about 2am (yes I worked the next day) I finally went to bed.  She had told me she would call the police about the noises outside her door and that was that.   As I heard later from her (the next day actually), the noises outside her apartment were people who supposedly left her a dead cat on her doorstep about a week ago.  Well on this night, they came back … 5 of them she said, and brutally raped and beat her.  This is what she tells me on the phone.  So I’m an absolute wreck knowing I went to sleep with this noise going on… I should have called the cops, I should have stayed on the phone something… anything…  She was at this point on the phone with me, going to kill herself right there and it was all I could do to keep her from doing it.  In the meantime, I had some friends in a different station call the police in this woman’s state so they could come and take her to the hospital as she was not safe to herself and would need medical care as she told me in detail that she did (I will leave those details out)…  It was the only thing I could think to do.  I stayed on the phone until the cops came, and I spoke to one of the officers and relayed to him in a coherent manner (I could hear her screaming in the background) what had transpired.  

Now before you finish this and think Oh my God!  Read on…

The cop that I spoke to that night said there was no sign of forced entry and she had no marks on her of any kind.  Additionally they said they had been out there many times before.  I was so messed up I almost didn’t care, I just wanted them to take her to the hospital to get checked out and get some help for her suicide threats.  

But later on, it turns out (even though the few times I spoke to her afterwards, she swears it all happened) the evidence supported that NONE of the things she said happened actually did.  There are a few things wrong with this.  1.  What kind of person could make this kind of stuff up???  2. What kind of person would involve someone who can’t do ANYTHING to help except be helpless in listening?

Ever since then I’m VERY careful who I bear pain from.  The next person I did any of that with was Jessie…and since her very few people.  I simply cannot mange that type of pain again…

So please people, before you send me messages like “Well this is the last week I’ll be living, it was nice knowing you” in an offline message, please think.  You are reaching out for help in that statement…. Reach out to someone locally… Please get help, because while I will listen I simply do not have the means to do anything else.

I post this here in the hope that the person who sent me that message will read this and not so much sympathize with my plight, but hear in my typed words the plea that you get help.  Please…

Life may suck sometimes, and for some of us it may suck more so than for others.  But it is OUR life we have to lead.  It is truly one of the only things we have.  Cling to it.  Find some light of hope, ANY light of hope no matter how small.  Cling to it, because it’s truly precious just as each and every one of us is…

Its all Danas fault

It’s all Dana’s fault :P

After all, she had to go have a baby and all ….  Completely made me forget about my payday rant!  SO you have her to thank ;)  Or little Logan Michael, one of the two.  * grin *

Logan Michael is one of the cutest babies I’ve seen!  Congrats to the whole family on the new addition!

I’ll skip the payday rant :P

If you can believe it, I’m still sick ..  Nothing as bad as last week but my ears still bother me.  I hope it goes away soon.  I have a lot to do this week!  I have to clean in anticipation of my Christmas company!  I’m so excited.  

I wish I could have gotten everyone just one thing for Christmas.  Even if it were tiny.  I had a little money put aside for cards for folks, but even that got taken away because I was sick and out on Monday last week.  They’re going to dock me that time off (  So make sure if you’re reading this that I have your email address because I want to send you all some love this Christmas and by god via email will be the way!  :D  

I made soap and body scrubs all weekend long for the first time in a long time.  It was nice.  I made one of each extra for myself and then last night took a long shower with this body wash (apple soy) that was given to me for Christmas and then I used the sugar scrub.  I LOVE sugar scrubs…. They make your skin sooo incredibly soft and they leave it smelling WONDEFUL.  All night I smelled lavender (essential oil not that fake stuff!) and a hint of romance perfume.  It was wonderful.  Hehe my bedroom smells like it now and this morning when I got up I didn’t even need any lotion even with the winter months!  It’s great (

You know… you folks who want to make it can make it at home.  You don’t have to buy that expensive stuff at the store (and it’s better for you if you don’t… less chemicals).  All you have to do is go to any health food store and buy the smallest bottle of lavender or orange or grapefruit (Avoid peppermint and cinnamon as they irritate the skin, ask me if you’re going to do this as to the scent you can use) and a bottle of sweet almond oil.  You can use fragrance oils if you like but you have to get those at crafting stores and if you do make SURE THEY SAY SKIN SAFE!!!  Some fragrance oils are only for use in candles and are very concentrated and likely to burn the skin.  I recommend essential oils anyway as they’re better for you.  

Ok so you have your little essential oil or fragrance oil and your sweet almond oil.  I recommend you buy a 8oz bottle of sweet almond oil if you’re making one scrub or bigger if making more as a gift.  Also make sure you have granulated sugar on hand.  You can add some things as well if you want to get fancy.  You can add chamomile herb (very cheap at any natural food/herb place) oatmeal either whole or ground up (crush by hand if you want too), lavender herb etc.  

Get yourself a jar or hell use a Tupperware if you need and make sure you can cover it afterwards.  Pour sugar in the container halfway to top (or less if you only have small amounts of oil and fragrance).  Add your dry additives like oatmeal, herbs etc.  Then pour in the sweet almond oil (just enough to cover the sugar and a little more… you have to stir it in to determine if you need more.  Once stirred the proper amount of oil will produce a sugary paste).  Add your fragrance.  Now this is the tricky part.  REMEMBER: you can always add more, but you can’t take out if you’ve added too much.  The scent should be slightly strong in that it needs to scent the skin when scrubbed, but not overpowering.  If your oil comes with a ML dropper, typically I put in three milliliters (or less for concentrated essential oils like lavender as it’s strong to begin with).  This equates to about 10 drops maybe 20 if you have a dropper essential oil bottle.  You can blend fragrances too for a unique combination as well.  Lavender orange is heavenly.  Or a citrus blend is great too of orange and grapefruit.  It’s a perfect wake me up.  If you’re giving as a gift, stir it up and make sure that when thoroughly stirred it resembles a slightly liquid paste.  Seal and voila your very own sugar scrub!  You can add other things too if you want to get fancy like vitamin e oil (great for skin!), real honey (a natural antibacterial), and you can even use different oils as well like sunflower, grapeseed,, etc.  Different oils will have different consistencies.  Sweet almond is the lightest.  Anyway there you go a homemade gift you can make for any of your friends (  Enjoy!

BETH I LOVE YOU

BETH I LOVE YOU

There, just had to say it.  


Ok so my goodness the time has flown.  Let me give you a run down.  Thursday’s party was AWFUL.  The restaurant was lovely, the food was exquisite.  But getting there took me TWO FRIGGING HOURS.  The drive is normally as I’m told only 15 minutes.  But it took me two hours, because we were driving in 10 inches of snow.  It was awful.  Of the entire 8 people party, only 4 made it and those 4 lived close (except for me).  Once we got there the food was great, but I worriedly watched the snow continue to fall.  There was talk of me staying at crony’s house * cry* Or Sharon’s, or Carol’s.  While I appreciated the offers, wild horses or 10 inches of snow even couldn’t keep me from getting home.  Not only would I miss being online, but the LAST thing I want to do is stay in a strange environment, sleep in my clothing and go to work the next day in same clothes!  EW

So I begin the drive home at 7:15pm cst.  I didn’t get home until 10:45pm.  On the way I nearly had two very real accidents, and my thanks to my mother and Michael who stayed on the phone with me the entire time.  I was a nervous wreck.  I can handle most driving conditions, but not snow.  My mother says God is the only reason I got home that night.  Maybe she’s right… but I think it was more than just god.  

So I go home intending to get out some frustration in game and make it about a half hour before passing out from exhaustion lol.  OH well, best attempts right?

So Friday, I started to drive to work.  It took me 20 minutes to get from my house to route 59 (normally a TWO minute drive).  I called Sharon and told her, no way.  SO I stayed home Friday.  I started feeling a bit under the weather, but I though that was just exhaustion.  However, you know how it is on a free day.  I spent a good portion of the day sleeping when I wanted, and playing when I wanted.  I also cleaned a bit.  But I did sleep.

Saturday and Sunday were a blur to me.  Sunday around 4:30pm though, I started feeling really sick.  By 5:30pm I was REALLY sick.  I called the immediate care but they closed at 6pm.  So I threw some sweats on and bolted out the door.  I cleaned off my car and got in the car at 5:55pm, but the doctor had already left the immediate care, so I couldn’t get there.  By this time I was in excruciating pain.  I ran back inside the house and I don’t even know what I did at that point.  I remember calling some people but mainly I remember crying lol.  I found some Ketek, an antibiotic that at one point had been prescribed for something similar to what I was experiencing so I took it.  I rarely self medicate, especially with antibiotics, but I was in so much pain I couldn’t see.  I just knew I wasn’t going to the ER to get reamed on the cost there if I could avoid it so I took the medicine.  Thankfully, in about an hour, the meds kicked in and I felt mildly better.  At least I was able to sleep which, I did fitfully.  

Then I got up in the morning on Monday and went immediately to the convenient care.  Boy did I do it up right.  Not only did I take medicine that didn’t help what I had, but it only helped on the surface (at least it was something).  I have three infections.  The least of these infections is an ear infection.  The worst of these infections raises my heart rate and puts me in danger of V-Tach (for those of you that don’t know this is my heart condition, and this infection puts me at risk of going into ventricular tachycardia… a form of stroke).  So now, I’m on two antibiotics, a painkiller, a blood pressure medicine, and a decongestant lol.  I went home after calling off and proceeded to fall asleep in my chair.  They weren’t kidding when they told me the first days dose would knock me out.  I fell asleep so soundly that for 30 minutes my body went numb.  My ENTIRE body.  When I woke up enough to crawl (literally because I couldn’t walk) to the couch, I immediately after the horrible pins and needles, fell back asleep for a few hours.  I still believe it or not today have a fever, and the meds are still making me sleepy.  I don’t remember my drive into work today, I just remember falling asleep at the wheel in the parking lot at 6:55am lol.  Scary shit, eh? Lol

Then on top of it, I have two orders for soap.  One that is actually paying but because of the crazy ass weekend and illness etc, I didn’t get them done!  So now I have to do that tonight or tomorrow * sigh *.  If I can get the one done, I might just be able to cover my shortage…  I think.  Or at least I’ll be one step closer to covering it.  No steps closer to getting groceries though (.  Tony you may want to reconsider coming up for Christmas, it might be better to stay where you are heh.  Oh well…

I have no idea, if I’ll be docked for these last two days.  But I have to assume I will.  So the extra money I had for groceries this coming check is gone, and then some.  I’ll have to figure out what to do about bills again.  Thankfully the last check was full so I didn’t go behind on some of my other bills, which affords me the ability to make arrangements on some of my other bills, but still…  The visit to the doctor was not covered because I have no insurance.  Thankfully the doctor on staff that day knows me well and knows my situation.  She argued with billing to make them lower the visit cost.  But all in all yesterday’s visit was about $190.  Thank god for my mother, (but it gets added on to my ever increasing loan from her * sigh *).  Tack that onto the two days lost and I’m in the hole about $430. $190 of it I can pay later, but I have to make room for $240 in my budget somewhere.  There goes the $110 groceries, and I still need to find a way to move $130 around just to make ends meet, so yea merry Christmas to me.

Ok enough with that rant.  

Thank you Beth for the wonderful dark chocolate/orange truffles!!!  They were such good comfort food this weekend!

*hugs to all*

EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!!! THE MUSE IS PUBLISHED!

I’m posting Beth!!! Look I’m posting!!! :P


So something’s wrong with the world…. Crony is being nice to me.  No, I mean REALLY nice to me.  Tonight is the work Christmas party and I don’t want to go.  The restaurant I’m told is quite nice and it has gotten good reviews.  But it’s hella far away and I don’t know where I’ll be or how to get home.  I SUCK at directions.  Anyway, I pulled down map quest, while I hope and pray for either Dana or Alice to go into delivery today and need me to be there with them :P Map quest says it will take one hour to get home from there and the directions are whacked… like take a u turn at 147.  U turn?!  Who does a u turn anymore/!?!  Aren’t they illegal?  Lol

Anyway so I’m stressing about it and Crony actually took the time to draw me a little map complete with little streetlights (which she colored lol) with directions on how to get back to the office in 15 minutes.  While it will still take me an hour to get home I’ll only have 15 minutes of nervousness as opposed to 60 now and that’s thanks to crony!  * gasp *

She must be under the weather or something.


But now onto the really BIG HUGE TREMENDOUS OH MY GOD NEWS!!!  I am a PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only thing that could really take equal the absolute heavenly feel I have about that right now would be like an entire basket of perfectly ripe avocados :P  or a good night of wonderful sex… erm or hmm never mind :P

But YES I am published!  My first book is called Free Form; Poetry from the heart.  It’s published on www.lulu.com and is available for either digital download or printed paperback copy.  The digital version is $7.40 and the printed version is $13.99.  I’m so nervous though lol.  I will never forget when I first read my poetry to people I was so nervous.  My poetry is not arbitrarily written about inanimate life.  It’s written about my life AS I live it.  It’s intensely personal and deeply intimate.  It’s sadly 80% dark but that’s because I’m writing about depression and my past more than anything.  Now, however, my poetry is lighting up a bit since I’ve gotten quite a bit out.  I honestly could care less if anyone buys the thing… Truly lol.  I’m just happy that I accomplished a goal : )

Next I am working on publishing the Utopia Skye calendar.  It will be ready for purchase by christmas (just barely lol) but it will be available by download as well as print for 2006 calendar year.  Then the next book slated for publication next year is the Digital Soup for the online soul book.  It will prove to be a small book, but it will have a few stories of people’s online experiences.  I don’t have many submissions for it actually.  I have 2 chapters I wrote, two from Jessie, one from Shaun, one from Craftkiller, and I think that’s it.  I had hoped for more * frown *.  We’ll see how it all pans out.  

What else what else… did I mention I got published? :P

By the way the book contains 97 of my internet published poems.  It’s basically the poetry I put on Allpoetry and Utopia Skye.  It’s broken out by year and covers 2003, 2004 and 2005.  But it’s ONLY my online  published works.  I have still over 500 poems at home lol

For now, that’s it…  Pray this year that I get lucky in love guys.  I really need it.  And now the anticipated return of random poetry, but this is not a random poem :P  This is a poem that STARTED as a random poem, but became a very rare muse rhyming poem that won a contest on Allpoetry (  It’s Christmas related so it being December I felt I should post it for you all to read (and yes it’s in the book)

“A Muse’s Christmas Wish”
Well it didn’t post right so here’s the link to it:
http://allpoetry.com/Poem/958112


* hugs for all of you *

Grrrrrrrr

I really hate when I find out what other people make….

I just saw a check on Crony’s desk because I had to put something in her bins and it was on top of it.  I just moved it (without looking at it) and it fell to the floor.  So I picked it up and put it back on top but I couldn’t help but see the name was hers… It was her check and she makes MORE than me.  She works three days a week for 7 hours each day.  That’s IT… and she makes more than me.  Unbelievable!

LLFH - Chapter 30; The masquerade Lingers

In an earlier post somewhere I divulge the history, give details etc about this series. It has been a long time since I had inspiration to write in this series. This has been running around in my head since yesterday now, so I thought I should post it here... Enjoy.

My first writing in the series in a very long long time, written by request as a testament to my feelings... Enjoy.

Love Letters From Heaven - Chapter 30; The Masquerade Lingers

“To be fond of dancing is a certain step towards falling in love.”
~Jane Austin

My love,

As I sit in the study today, the sunlight seeps in through the curtains finding its way around me. It bathes me in softest light almost like a dream light providing a sense of the past, and resurfacing a memory of the night of the ball… My thoughts cannot help but drift there love. That night is such a poignant reminder of us. That night, like our love holds a perfect sense of mystery, sensuality, gracefulness, and elegance. I can’t quite forget the feeling of that night because what was a simple formal affair for me, became a magical encounter forever transforming me...because that is when I met you.

Realizing any thought toward any other activity is pointless I sit back in the inviting cushions of the chair in which I write. The cherry wood frame adorned with soft cushions embraces me now as I walk unfettered through my dreamscape and the memories in my mind…

Faint strains of music; sweet violins, sad pianos, and deep cellos accompany the tinkle of the silverware as servers offer spirits and sweets. Satin ruffles sweep the floor in the brightest shades of green, teal and blue… the elegant colors of the peacock in its brilliant form. Dancers glide across the wooden dance floor laid just for them. The lighting, soft, is provided by hand made chandeliers holding marvelous candles high above the floor. The tables themselves are covered in white velvet and polished silver with cream colored fine bone china. Each table holds a magnificent slender glass vase brimming with lush roses in deep shades of red. So heavy was the arrangement that the roses and baby’s breath made a waterfall of natures beauty as it showered down towards the table in elegant splendor.

It was all new, of course, even down to the china, it was all new. It was all laid out for only the chosen few of society. I can’t quite allow myself to breathe in relaxation wondering how I could have been chosen to be in this dream, this fantasy environment of delights to the senses. Standing in a darkened corner alone with my thoughts, embraced by my awkward shyness, I straighten for the thousandth time my gown of red. It was specially made. My wages from teaching had provided me with just enough to cover the expert workings of a seamstress in town. She is called “the weaver of magic” and I can see why. In this dress, I am at once a queen of a majestic court and a pauper playing dress up in a fantasy. But it is my heart that in this velvet and satin is allowed to shine. Outwardly I am everything that one would desire; inwardly I am a little less confident. The dress of white satin at the top glistened with the sparkle of a hundred pieces of stars… Red velvet lines the plunging neckline revealing creamy skin. The necklace I wear has been in my family for generations, and is one of the real pieces of beauty I own. Encased in silver, a ruby red heart rests above the very real pounding of my own heart. The bottom of the gown lowers itself to the floor in sweeping graceful waves of red velvet. The back of the dress is a latticework design leaving something to the imagination even as much as it reveals to the eye… And for once my long brown hair had been carefully pinned and tucked under a crown of red roses placed delicately on my head. Tonight’s affair was one of a masquerade. It was to be the epitome of decadence. A cavorting if you will, of free spirits not hindered by the face of their normal day… The mask I’ve chosen tonight with care is one of fine porcelain. I wear only a mask of simplicity covering the truth of the real me… for there in my real face lies all my mystery.

Couples stroll in arm in arm, the men in top hats and tails and the women in extravagant silks and satins. Sweeping gracefully across the floor hands outstretched as they are greeted, their smiles and laughter abound. Taking the scene in all at once, I realize that I still stand alone. Reflecting back to the words of the tailor on that final fitting, I smile lightly. She winks at me as she finishes the satin piping on my dress and speaks offering advice. Her words are light, almost sing song in a fashion sounding more like an enchantment rather than advice:

Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux

I look at her curiously. “What did you say?” She stands with some difficulty and I reach a hand to her to help her and she smiles at me and says:

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye

“Go child, immerse yourself in magic”. She shoos me away and so it was that I left, the dress carefully held in my arms.

Loud laughter brings me back to the present and I shake my head gazing out among the crowd of masked people. The air hangs with a sense of premonition, and it is then that I am drawn to you my love. My eyes catch sight of a figure bathed in the shadows of the emerging night as he enters the room across the way. With a flourish his coat is removed and immediately carried off by those rushing to be of service. No hat adorns this head, but a hand reaches up to brush the lightly falling snow out of it. My eyes roam and the first I see is a porcelain mask covering both eyes, and half of the face. So similar to my simple mask of choice, but this one reveals lips, and your jaw… I cannot help but stare my eyes drinking in the black suit covering the deep red satin tie tucked beneath. Quietly I breathe the words “Similar… in every way”.

The crowd gathers in numbers to the floor and music begins ushering in the nights dancing. Losing sight of you I sigh and move towards the corner of the dance floor. Straining and trying to not show my efforts, I seek around the heads of the dancers but gain no sight of you. Stepping back I lower my eyes ashamed at my efforts and yet wanting to see you again if even for a second.

A gentle hand presses against my bare elbow, fingers pressing into my skin firmly guiding me to the dance floor. I look up startled into your eyes beneath the porcelain mask. My face flushes with embarrassment but I am led to the middle of the dance floor the other dancers as If by magic moving out of our way. Turning your embrace feels like quiet completion as you encircle my waist with your arm and your hand grips mine. The hand is cool not damp, no sign of nervousness unlike the dryness in my throat forbidding any words. Looking away momentarily I inhale the scent of you and gaze back into your deep brown eyes and I realize that they have never once have they left mine. The music changes tempo and the dance becomes one of closeness as the world around us fades away. Your lips slightly part as you breathe leaning towards my ear. I close my eyes and allow your voice to wash over my parched senses…

“I have never seen a rose of rarer beauty than I have seen this very night”.

I fear I won’t be able to stand as your words seduce me, but your embrace holds me tight. Wishing for you to continue and alternately knowing you’ve said everything in that one short sentence I stand quiet in our dance of love.

My mind tumbles over the impossible situation in which we find ourselves. In love? My voice speaks in concern but my heart pushes that demon away almost smiling…in love… yes.

Your lips brush against my ear as you press your body to mine and pull me closer dancing, twirling, and gliding around the dance floor that now holds just us. By a sheer act of willpower I keep my eyes open to see all that the spell of magic holds for me. I am lost, adrift in the luxury your embrace affords me. I sail among the calm seas of bliss in your gaze and realize that I have never felt love like this. It dawns on me then, that nothing else matters but you and I. Nothing…

Throughout the night we dance, never ceasing. Mindful only occasionally of the people standing on the sidelines smiling at the glowing light of love that they share space with. Whispers abound, but we neither see nor hear them. Sitting only occasionally, speaking in soft tones constantly our words find each others ears and hearts with the ease of a navigator crossing lands previously charted. We approach the dawn of a love we’ve never known with much zeal embracing all the emotions we feel, passion, love, desire, permanence. We engulf ourselves together in the emerald dream where love sits by always ready to be had, for those who would ask of it and fear not crossing the bridge into heaven

Only as a dream does, it lasts forever and yet in a blink is over without a second glance and soon the morning light is on us. Streaking through the windows I wonder how something so beautiful can be so harsh in that it signifies our time together must end.

Still locked in the close embrace that we have grown so comfortable in, your eyes penetrate my soul. A deep sadness that I had not seen before resides in you revealing itself only now to me. I smile cautiously and speak “What is it my love?” You lean your head so close to me that even our lips nearly brush each other as you speak. My breath hitches in my chest as your words fall from your lips. Immediately my eyes blink back tears hearing the truth of which you speak.

“I cannot stay my love”.

Your arms wrap themselves around me as the first of a silver tear slips quietly from my eye. Breathing heavily my words a mere whisper…

“Why?” I pause a moment more before continuing “Please stay here with me. Stay and we’ll learn of our purpose in life together.”

Pleading with my eyes, begging with my voice, crying with my heart I continue as you sigh deeply and hold me close in an embrace. Gently you place a finger over my lips quieting my persistence.

“Life takes us in different directions my love. I cannot choose to stay here now to do so would be to partake of something that isn’t ready for us yet.”

Further quieting me as my urge to respond back begins…you hush me again breathing your words to me.

“I will know love, that you exist. And I will return to you in one form or another.” Your lips find my cheek dampened with free flowing tears. Kissing me you speak the words that my heart now has memorized entirely.

“And I will love you as you love me when the time is right. For no one knows the future, but the present path is my journey preset and I am it’s fool, going through its motions unable to stop and change direction.”

I looked up at you unable to speak for the vise had squeezed so tightly around my heart that nothing functioned. No sound is uttered but the words are mouthed perfectly, clearly…

“I love you”

Looking back now, I’ll never forget how the people that were still at the dance that night, sort of faded back into my reality. It was almost as if the night had been a secret chamber in my heart and only those of pure love could be allowed in. Now, the magic of the spell of love had opened my heart, and served it’s purpose depositing its permanence into my soul. Disappearing into the night almost as swiftly as you had arrived, I watched your shadow depart while my hands clutched the rose you had given me, its thorns pricking into my skin...

The kettle of water I had been brewing screams at me now back in this house of love, in the present, and it jars me from my memory. I wipe the tears that have slipped down my face away but, even in my sadness I do not wish you to feel sad should you ever see this carefully crafted testament of my love. This, like so many other expressions of love is a piece of my soul. It must be written even to the person that chooses not to share it with me. It must be so others know it exists. For it is only in loves deep sadness that we know of its capability of being the brightest light.

Alone, I will go on in this house of love, but my heart will know that once in my life it gleaned the purpose of itself. I know that in one magical night, I had loved with the special kind of love so few see. Our love burned quickly, brightly like the stars in the heavens. It was shared, expressed, and known. Although I’m sad that your choice did not lead you to me, I have hope that our hearts will seek each other again. If, they do not… then I know at least that true love exists. For that my love, I thank you… and I love you.

Always,
Your Muse

History DOES repeat itself

Well a year ago today I broke a tooth. Yup, broke it. Split it in half all the way to the gum line. The damage was so bad that I had an infection. I went to the dentist on 11-11-04. Got it fixed and finished in February of 05 (with a root canal I might add).

Well wouldn’t you know it history has a way of repeating itself. 11-17 this year, I cracked another tooth. YAY go me… Keep in mind I have no dental insurance, Hell I don’t have ANY insurance. AND I just socked $965 (and that was after negotiation, the original total was $1300) of repairs into my car…

I wont even go into the “I’m 34 and can’t pay for my own things” rant… You’ve all heard that. The car money was a “gift” from my mother. A GIFT. My god…

This dental work will have to be a loan. I just wish I didn’t have to rely on her. I wish I was in my own financial heaven and that not only do I have huyge amounts in the bank, but that I have a retirement plan or some kind of extra savings so that when I’m 65 I wont have to work for the rest of my life. As it stands, when I’m 65 I’ll be taking one of those senior citizen jobs… you know working at like McDonald’s with all the 15 year olds making money to go cruising or to the movies… I’ll be making money peanuts really, just to survive. * shudders *

I have toyed with the idea of moving back home again, but as much as my mother has been wonderful helping me out… Living with her would put enormous strain on our relationship. We can barely be alone for two hours without a fight, how do you think we would manage a full day, or month, or 6 months!. If I can just make it to July without any emergencies! I’m so close to being able to pay off a good chunk of my bills, and save my OWN money. But every check it’s something. Every damn check.

If I only cracked the crown off a root canal in my mouth, that’s better than having a root canal. But a crown itself is $500-700 depending on where you go. Not to mention the “prep” visits to clean it out and refill it. * sigh *

More later…

Trust

Trust…

It is so important and so elusive.  When I tell you something, I am telling you this because it is truth.  I’m not telling you this to have some elaborate scheme to get some result.  I can put this sort of in the Stars wars frame of mind…

In the movies Palpatine’s actions every single one of them was geared towards a goal even a long term one.  To rule…  SO his befriending anakin, even his placing anakin through suggestive thought, near Padme was all one little piece of the pie that was to become his domain…

I don’t think like that.  Hell I can’t even conceive of some of the things that people can and have conceived of to hurt each other.  

I’ll put it to you another way.  When I joined the sims online three years ago, I had NO concept of online relationships.  It’s not that I thought of them… I DIDN”T even CONCEIVE of the possibility.  What is the word for this?  Naïve?

Then after my first (short, hurtful) attempt at a relationship (anyone remember Kirill?  I bet shaun does :P) I knew of their existence and learned from there…  Then I had no clue that people men even, played female characters.  Until I came across one etc etc.  Or that women played male characters etc.  

Even to this day, I am still awakened by the creativity and ingenuity of the human mind.  I know these worlds of online games etc are immersive.  But I never for a single second thought of creating an entirely second, separate and removed (from yourself) life.  Meaning, creating a character and truly living it… even in email, correspondence, etc…  Now, I’m not saying that I’ve come across this yet, but someone told me of this possibility of this type of existence and let me tell you I was stunned.

I had the proverbial “deer in headlights” look.  That people could even think of that… I am just amazed.  If I EVER come across that…  Someone creating a whole existence, engaging me in friendship, lying to me the whole time and then severing that through any act of split, that would truly be the end of me.  That has the potential… no not potential, it has the true ability to cause me to leave the online world.  I would never be able to trust anyone again if I were thrown in this position.  

For now I’ll just leave you be while I sit stunned digesting this information…

Trust…it is paramount.

Kiarai 1960 - 2005 "Rest in peace my sister...my friend"

Who wants to live forever…forever is our today…
~In Loving Memory of Kiarai 1960 to 11-9-2005

Life is too short. It’s short and its unfair. I had a friend. Still do… I mean, she’s in my heart. But she’s no longer among the bright lights of souls in this plane of existence. The thing is we had –just- started to get close. There were uncanny similarities between her and my real life sister Pam. Including if you can believe this, how they died…

Both had Anuerysm’s. Different kinds of aneurysms but both had them. Pam’s was an aneurysm in her brain at the stem of her brain the hypothalamus.

Kiarai’s aneurysm:
An aortic aneurysm (AN'u-rizm) is a bulge in a blood vessel, much like a bulge on an over-inflated inner tube. Aneurysms are dangerous because they may burst.

Pam’s Aneurysm:
A brain aneurysm, also called a cerebral or intracranial aneurysm, is an abnormal bulging outward of one of the arteries in the brain. It is estimated that up to one in 15 people in the United States will develop a brain aneurysm during their lifetime.

Brain aneurysms are often discovered when they rupture, causing bleeding into the brain or the space closely surrounding the brain called the subarachnoid space, causing a subarachnoid hemorrhage. Subarachnoid hemorrhage from a ruptured brain aneurysm can lead to a hemorrhagic stroke, brain damage and death.

The fact of the matter is that aneurysms as a whole are rare…and now two people I know were affected by this. One person I had just started to get close to after a lifetime of distance (for various reasons). The other person I had just started to get close to so much so that she called me sister. One of the few people I openly trusted with my deepest secrets. Her final email to me was in response to a very lengthy email I sent her telling her of things about me… She called the email subject “Little pieces to hold and protect”.

The following are little snippets of the email in question that are what I find to be the most important and poignant parts of it…

“I can promise you this, till the day of my death none of this will escape my lips, and when I die I shall drink deeply the waters of the River Lethe, so that neither gods nor demons will pry it from me!”

“We are indeed sisters in spirit. Just don’t loose hope. You have 3 strong friends that stuck by you through your blackest time. You also have Michael and I. We will be there to help you when you need it. Just hold on sister, if I can find a pearl in all the sludge, so can you.”

“I feel like I should say more, respond directly to the things you have told me, but the stronger feeling I have is to just let you know, and keep telling you, that you are loved Susan, very much. I promise you this, when I am stable here, I will ask if I can come see you. We will go shopping, have drinks, and do what ever else comes into our heads”

“You have given me a piece of your soul Susan, to hold, cherish and protect, and I will do so.”

And now in an attempt to get my emotions back under control at work, I shall end with a moments silence for my friend, my sister who might have been, and the bright spirit whose light was extinguished long before many were ready for it to be so…


For Kiara: 1960 - 2005
Would that your words strike the match in my heart
The time of which matters not
How soon do we say we love?
Would that your presence provide the calm to my sea of torment
The moment you brighten my day
I barely knew today what your love was
When it was taken before it could bloom
Would that I hold the one piece, fragment I was given
Hold it tight and place it forever in my box of memories
How much would I give to hand it back to you?
And have the whole of you
Would that I cry for your loss, and celebrate your existence
How soon did I say I love you?
Not soon enough...
…I love you.
©SKW

You know....

You know I hate the condescending way that crony talks to me sometimes.  I don’t think she means it, god help her if she does… But she’s always so condescending.  Instead of even once sympathizing with me, she just picks on what I eat.  Well you shouldn’t eat that Ramen, the sodium will give you headaches.  Thanks mom…

And then I go to the bathroom and come out and she turns to me and says “What do you do with your radio show if you have a headache so bad…” While she doesn’t say anymore it’s definitely implied in her statement something about me going home.  Like, you would stay home with a headache this bad (never mind I’m still HERE), but you would still do your radio thing.  I HATE that condescending tone.  
She is one of those people that will never understand the online things I do.  And that’s fine, I never asked her to understand but how dare you pick on it either.  You’re damn right I’d do the online stuff ANYDAY over working in corporate America.  I HATE this environment.  

How I used to thrive in it, I’ll never know…  


And yes, I’m still bored………..

                                       B
                                       O
                                       R
                            B        E
                        B O R E D
                            R
                            E
             B O R E D
                     E
                     A
                     L  B
                     L  O
                     Y  R
              B O R E D
          B O R E  D
                     A
                     L
                     L
                     Y


S O      B O R E D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going insane

    S      S
S O  B O R E D
    B     B
    O    O
    R     R
    E     E
    D     D

@#$%@# what? @%$^(

Monday…again


I’ve been coerced into creating a my space account eek! I know, it’s a bunch of people vying for the “Who’s Hottest Award”. I know too that I don’t fit there lol, but that’s ok. I had several invites to make a page and voila I did.

I found it rather amusing, and frightening that when I added my school, the year I went to school and graduated is before half of the majority populations birth date :P Man do I feel old. Heh

I’m tired today. Stayed up entirely too late doing some things online. It was fun though. Had a few laughs with KRMAIO (lol love ya kami :P). We were deciding on which shade of green for the avocado logo of her new domain name http://www.visualdistractions.com/. Yup avocado yummmmmmmmmmmm
YUMMMMMMMMMMM
YUMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYY

Sorry, got a little carried away there. But I love avocados! (DAMN YOU DANA!!! Lol) It’s all her fault.

And I had a very good conversation with another friend of mine. And I had a very good Sunday complete with fun and more fun and did I mention fun? Wow what a concept :P

Even Crony today seems to be in a good mood. She is pulling apartment ads for me lol. I don’t know whether to be scared or amazed. I think my facial reaction moves between the two emotions. Julie is back today! Julie is a woman who works with me, very hip, very cool and very friendly. She is fun to talk to.

I have no work to do today lol. Well I mean, I did, but I tore through that in like 1 hour.

OH my, I had coffee today… Two 16 oz cups worth. I’m bounding off the walls and I’m bored and I know that tonight I’ll wind up crashing HARD lol.

Let’s see what do I want today (a new game to try and ease my boredom)
I want:
Avocados (just one or ten or so)
A hug and a deep kiss (yea so that rules out my female friends :P)
Cinnamon Apple Cider (It is fall you know)


See that’s not much! I think you should all send me avocados and make me a big thing of apple cider. As for the hug and deep kiss well come on over and HOOK ME UP. Hmm too much sugar…

I’ll go hide now :P

Random poetry comin atcha

Boo
(lol, I kill myself sometimes lol)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

By the wya I've been chronicalling my life as I know it, for a year now... woot go me.

Can I make it 8 months?

8 months….


Well I have to make it 8 months.  If I can make it 8 more months at my current apartment, then I’ll have (fingers crossed hopefully that nothing changes this) all medical and credit card bills paid off… I’ll only have 3 bills outside of living expenses and in one more year beyond that, I’ll have two of those three paid off, leaving only one bill left, and that will be paid off within a few months outside of this plan.  I hope to god I can make it 8 months…   I hope to god nothing comes up like the past has shown.  

The only thing that can improve this, is IF I can manage to save up enough for a deposit on a lower monthly rent apartment, BUT then I would have to borrow the moving money itself..   SO add that to one of the bills… however, my rent would be cheaper…so it’s a double edge sword.  Of the places I’ve seen, the rent is like $700-775.  I have a few places in mind… One seems perfect and the rent on a two bedroom is $70 cheaper than I pay now.  They take dogs too and I THINK the two bedroom has a washer/dryer hookup, but I’d have to buy a washer/dryer.  There is the place I lived at when I first got married.  The laundry is on the second and 4th floor.  But I don’t know how I feel about other people seeing my laundry.  Believe it or not, they take pets now, so I could bring mushu, but I’d have to get a two bedroom per their policy and the two bedrooms aren’t that much cheaper than I pay now.  IF they would let me get away with getting the one bedroom and den, then I would save $51 amonth, but would have to do the quarters and shared laundry thing again, BUT I would have mnushu…  * sigh * In any event, both places are closer to my work and the rent would be even just a bit cheaper.  

The one place I lived at when I was married is in the business district, so no seedy bars, or malls or anything nearby.  Most people that live there work around there and the companies around there are companies like Lucent, AT&T, etc.  I can’t believe I’m actually considering moving back into the place that I lived at for 5 years.  Wow…

Plus I have to make sure I can break my lease.  

So I either make it 8 months or put myself more in debt to move out sooner … I don’t know that after a while I’ll have a choice, especially if the things that happen in my current place keep happening.  I think it is only going to be worse over time.  And then I wont have the luxury of choosing, I’ll just have to go.  

I’ve already backed up my pc onto CD-RW’s in case it gets stolen and hidden my old tower as well as my laptop.  I may even take those to my mothers and leave those there just in case.  Well either I’m moving in two to three months or 8 months, so I suppose I should start going through things and packing again.  Maybe if stuff is packed up it will be less difficult to steal…  God I can’t believe I have to even THINK like that.  

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to

The apartment search continues…

This weekend sucked.  Friday night I spent in tension filled drama in game for HOURS.  I couldn’t escape it.  I couldn’t even go on air because of it.  Sure, I know, log off right?  Well this drama was between a friend who I speak to in real life and me.  I can’t just walk away or unplug that…  

Ever have a dream even if its unspoken burning inside you.  You don’t speak of it, because to speak means it might go away?  But then something happens, innocently most often… and it just shatters your dream?  Ever feel that?  Yea..  I know that.  I know you have no clue what I’m talking about and that’s ok.  Friday just sucked bad for me.

Additionally my next door neighbor, the one that scares me?  You remember …  Anyway he has people coming in and out of his apartment 24/7.  The smell in my hallway of pot, cigarette smoke and god knows what else has started seeping into my apartment.  It is responsible for my headahches as of late, and since I used to smoke and know what it did to me then, I know it will be responsible for my sinus problems.  These are problems I am already feeling… oh and can I mention cravings?  I had to stop myself from going out and buying cigarettes a FEW times this weekend.  Where do you go when your apartment, your refuge, is now your enemy?  I even opened my windows ALL of them this weekend.  I haven’t done that since I moved in, preferring to keep closed all the time.  But I tried to air the place out because it reeks so bad.  I even burned lavender oil all day Friday and Saturday and by the end of the night was STILL sick from the smoke.  This is coming from an ex-smoker folks…  I have GOT to get out of there.  I don’t know if my health will make it until July.  I hate that when I come into my apartment now it reeks like a cigarette shop.  My walls will show the stains of smoke if it doesn’t quit or if it gets heavier and I’m not cleaning that crap off…  The doorway that the smell comes from the most is also right by my bedroom.  Great, now I can sleep with the smell I’ve been getting away from for 4 years now.  And this morning on the way to work I couldn’t sing a complete song without clearing my throat.  That is one of the PRIMARY reasons I quit 4 years ago…  And now it’s back.  Last but not least second hand smoke is worse than 1st hand. Or so they say… lovely, so now I’m going to get cancer because my fucking neighbor’s mother can’t deal with him and bought him a condo to get rid of him, so he can party every night.  And * I * Have to live right across from him.

So Friday I didn’t get much sleep.  Or well I went to bed really late, then woke up Saturday and went back to bed…  Then was up late Saturday and I was sooo tired Sunday, but I waited to sleep until midnight so my body could try to get back on track….  ON Saturday or Sunday (I can’t remember now) someone buzzed to get in and I didn’t answer again.  I waited in fear of making any noise actually turning down my tv so they couldn’t hear that I was home and just didn’t answer.  My neighbors who had the community watch think that my car was trashed because I didn’t answer the door last time.  So I waited with baited breath to hear any glass crashing.  Instead I heard people in the hallway so tiptoeing to my door to peek out, I see a group of guys hanging around my door.  They’re not doing anything per se, but they’re whispering at my door.  Yea, I’m not feeling to safe there… So I go sit back down on my couch and try to strategize what would I do if they came in … It wouldn’t take much effort to get in.  I know I will not be sitting comfortably in my own home anymore.  I’ll be fully dressed and at the ready at all times and I’ll have to learn to live with sleeping in clothing, not just pj’s.  Because god forbid anything SHOULD happen, I”ll need to grab my purse and run out the other door of the apartment.  It’s the only way out short of vaulting over my deck and I’m way too old for that.  Isn’t this gross? I’m talking about where I live and planning how I would leave if I were attacked?!?  It seems so bizarre to me.

On the way to work today I saw a few apartments I would like to call on, but I wont… The few I called on before when I thought my mother could help me were eager to see me, and some had openings right away.  Even one that would take mushu!  But I have no money to move right now and I can’t get help from any other source.  I’m just afraid that in the end I wont save up any money.  Every time I have any money to put away something always comes up.  I wait again with baited breath for payday today, as I’m supposed to have some money left over.  I know I have to spend some of it on an oil change, but hopefully I can put like $80 in the bank.  Not much I know… But something.  I HAVE to put money away.  Have to have to have to.  Or I can stay where I am and die.  Dramatic I know but you have NO idea what it’s like to live in a place where for a year you thought you were crazy because no one believed you when you said you were scared and didn’t feel safe.  Then to have your fears VALIDATED and have everyone go “Oh I didn’t realize”.  Now I’m in like panic mode or something…  

Oh so yea, Friday in game…  Remember folks online we only have our words and our in game actions to go on.  If you’re seen around a bunch of men alone for hours, less than 2 m apart, you’re going to be seen as … well something.  (You get my drift).  And if you don’t support your friends in the oh so important fights online, well then your word means shit and if you are in someone’s real life and have that coveted spot of trust, then lack of support means a RIPPING of that trust as you’re pulled out of someone’s heart.  

These are damages that are not reversible or well lets say very few friendships can survive an attack like that.  

Word to the wise…


Random poetry (based on an old poem written a long time ago for a friend of mine, rewritten and I gather you’ll soon know why)
She gave me orange blossoms
Once so beautiful and fragrant
I held them close to my heart
While they festered and changed into something I know not
Decaying in a split second,
Withering into nothing more than…mold
One petal hanging on attached to the withered bud
Trying…
Success unlikely… but it tries
She gave me orange blossoms and had I known
That in the future they would have died
I wonder, would I have taken the offering at all?

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

JACK JOHNSON LYRICS"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"Now I was sitting waiting wishingThat you believed in superstitionsThen maybe you'd see the signsBut Lord knows that this world is cruelAnd I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a foolLearning loving somebody don't make them love youMust I always be waiting waiting on you?Must I always be playing playing your fool?I sing ya songs I dance a danceI gave ya friends all a chancePutting up with them wasn't worth never having youAnd maybe you been through this beforeBut its my first timeSo please ignoreThe next few lines cause they're directed at youI cant always be waiting waiting on youI cant always be playing playing your foolI keep playing your partBut its not my sceneWont this plot not twist?I've had enough mystery.Keep building me up, then shooting me downWell im already downJust wait a minuteJust sitting waitingJust wait a minuteJust sitting waitingWell if I was in your positionId put down all my ammunitionI'd wondered why'd it taken me so longBut Lord knows that I'm not youAnd If I was I wouldn't be so cruelCause waiting on love ain't so easy to doMust I always be waiting waiting on you?Must I always be playing playing your fool?No I cant always be waiting waiting on youI cant always be playing playing your fool, foool


Those are such perfect lyrics.  Such a good definite example of where I am right now… sitting, waiting, wishing.  

Anyway, it’s been a week since I wrote.  Everyday I want to write, but I feel so lame sometimes always writing about love or my lack thereof.  But there are so many things I want to write about but I just get overwhelmed.  

On the good news is that Crony hasn’t been in since Wednesday as she’s been on vacation.  She comes back Monday though * sigh *.  Oh well three days is better than none (  

I watched Batman Begins yesterday and WOW…. AWESOME movie.  Then I watched Shall We Dance with Richard Gere and J.lo.  Such a good movie.  I’m such a sap.  In my old age, I love to watch films and dream of days when I looked good and had the potential to have dreams like that.  

Sometimes I feel the urge to write, but I don’t exert it.  Like last night I sat in bed and spoke aloud an entire paragraph trying desperately to commit it to memory… because I was so tired I didn’t want to get up to write it.  This morning I’m left with the memory of that paragraph.  It goes something like this:”Darkness descended upon the world as it were, not fast like the speeding bullet but slowly like the lovers embrace.  First it embraced the sky allowing only the faint twinkle of the brightest stars to show through it’s onyx walls, then it draped itself luxuriously over the streetlights and homes of the world as if to say “sleep now…” As the darkness covered all, it crept towards the path behind the beach homes with their bright lights.  Shying away from the warmth these lights represented, it seeped around the structures and behind them almost as if the darkness itself was a tangible…  The path behind these homes led to a slope leading downward and away to the ocean.   Marked only by many years of footsteps some running others walking in their haste to the beach, the path now stood quiet, the wind tickling the blades of grass as it rustled through.  Inside the beach homes families gathered for comfort in the light while outside the deepening shadows held their mysteries…  The wind continued to ripple through the landscape as the grass turned to sand shifting with each push of the wind.  Finally the path ended in the soft sand of the beach that stretched for miles.  The water pounded the beach relentlessly white foamy crests seeking purchase on the land as if to conquer it over and over again.  A few steps straight ahead from the beach at this point would take one straight to the rickety pier.  

The caramel color of the paint had long ago faded to it’s grayish hue over time, and the strength in the boards and planks had ceased to exist long ago.  It was for this reason a sign secured by a chain had closed off the entrance of the long pier, in the hopes of keeping people safe.  Still, teenagers in some mock initiation daring each other to test their fears gained entrance and had their way with the night running and jumping off the pier into the waters as a show of strength when time and lack of police patrols permitted.  Tonight however, only the sound of the sea lapping at the wood structure and the silence of the full moon gazing down on the world, touched this beach of darkened tranquility.  

Well, that and the feet of the angel standing on the edge of the pier, looking down into the water.  

Standing so still that she might have been mistaken for a statue save for her hair that flowed in the wind as it picked up speed nearer the water, not a single limb on her moved.  Wings of white tucked under her hair were only visible when the wind picked up momentum moving her incredibly long hair revealing her true form.  She wore a dress of soft yellow, almost gold in the shimmering light of the moon.  On her porcelain doll like form, a headband of gold with a crescent moon adorned her head.  Her appearance while human was quite ethereal. She wore the clothes of a human, but her eyes alone gave her away.  Gazing down at the water, they shone a birght fiery crystal white.  Tears that fell from those precious eyes were like mini beacons of light suspended in time before they disappeared into the water shimmering for a second before turning to the molecular form of basic water.  Her hands hung limply at her side and as she stood oblivious to the winds continuing to gain speed she spoke in French, her soft whispers carried off in the oncoming storm…

Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
(It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.)


Anyway, so that’s what I was working on in my mind… I’ll post it on utopia skye, but anyone who doesn’t visti there but reads here, let me know if this is worth anything.

See ya

LONG post... been a couple of days

Been a couple of days since I posted….

You know it’s funny what we base our friendship on, and what our friendship rides on throughout the course of our friendship….  For instance in game, we base our friendships on our compatability and how often we are there for each other in game.  For some friendships this goes out of game to message boards too where we’re known by a “personality”.  When this “personality” seems different than what we’ve come to expect then instant issue… strife…It’s different online.  Even though you may not see this person in real life you do see them nearly every day in an immersive online environment.  Thus the friendship suffers the same pitfalls as a real friendship does, but quicker and more painfully if you live in this immersive online world as most gamers do.  

For me it’s when people don’t back me that’s a problem.  I meet and know sooooooooo many people.  I love the friends I meet.  Even those that don’t become close personal friends.  Each person brings something different to the table… A different flavor in a perfectly crafted meal of variety.  But just like an onion with it’s multiple layers each one of those friends rests somewhere in between the acquaintance world, and the core of who I am.  

The people in the core, whether I have seen them in real life or not are people who know things about me in real life.  Some of those people even know my financial information or some of it.  I’m not here to debate whether that’s risky or not, but I emphasize it as a point.  I TRUST these people to safeguard my information and my emotions much more than others.  For those people who are in the core…. Having a different opinion than me on something can happen.  But what I EXPECT from those people is that in the interest of safeguarding each other’s feelings, unless it’s a personal slander or issue that cuases them harm, I expect they would back me verbally in general public.  I also expect that if they didn’t agree they would either keep quiet if it’s a high tense situation (such as in game drama) or say they disagree, and leave it at that without slandering me to people.  See even those people who are in the core who have excellent communication with me are only there BECAUSE they have this.  Most people online don’t have this… they don’t look beyond the written text.  THESE people do and thus they are in that select group of core friends.  

So then, what do you do when one of them hurts you with a quickly spoken word that while it may have truth for them, has resounding bad vibes for me?


People can be asses online.  I expect that.  People who are asses are going to live up to that expectation of being… well… an ass.  But I expect my friends to NOT be so.  So if an ass hurts me, ok I’ll cry, but I’ll get over it and realize they’re just an ass.  But if a friend hurts me, it wounds me more than any ass could possibly hope to do.  These type of wounds can be repaired, but they must be done so quickly and with excellent communication.  I hope that the friendship that has been put under this stress can be fixed quickly.  Last night was a good start to fixing it, but what happened… happened and trust has been lost.  I can’t count on this person to safeguard my feelings, at least not right away.  

I’ve closed several role playing things I had going on in game.  I will only reopen them if people express interest in them.  I don’t mind sticking my neck out and starting something even if people aren’t interested.  But when there is strife I just don’t care to reach out like that.  Usually I only pull my hand back as it’s stinging from being slapped.  

Words can never be retracted…ever.  Remember that and think before you speak (I’m guilty of this as well and I promise today and hopefully everyday to try and be better at this too).



On the home front, I have been looking for an apartment again.  I’ve gotten a few leads from the local papers and one right here in Willowbrook.  It doesn’t have a washer/dryer in the apartment though ( and no hook ups for it, but they do take dogs with only a $200 deposit and no pet rent…  There are two washers/dryers in the basement of each building but there are 16 units to a building… the ratio is crappy.  However there is a Laundromat right next door.  Do I want to get quarters again and lug laundry to a Laundromat again?  * sigh *  I don’t think so, even if it means I get mushu back (  It would have to be an AMAZING apartment and community to make me change my mind…  We’ll see

I have a few other places I’m going to look at too.  They’re in the surrounding area.  I’m sure I wont have a problem breaking my lease given what’s happened lately… but I would prefer not to for several reasons (trust me I want out as much as the next person but I have to be practical).  If I wait I have no problems with my credit with them since I wont have broken my lease.  Plus I’ll have some money saved for movers so I wont have to bother my mother again.  I really want to get a maid service when I leave my apartment no matter when that is, to deep clean the place.  And with a move right now I certainly can’t afford that either.  Plus if I leave now I leave my neighbors who have been so nice to me (the people above me) with an uncertain future as they wont know who’s coming in.  I’ve become the poster child for a community watch program in our area and if I leave they have no one example as someone who will speak up…  

On the love front, I’m still single and alone.  I’m beginning to think that will never change.  

On a totally separate note, I hate that I can’t look at someone else and NOT compare myself.  I know I’m a bit low on self esteem so I expect the twinge of “oh you’re ugly” especially when I see someone who’s beautiful.  But when it’s someone that in some measure I’m in competition with (I will not elaborate on this), it’s like a mac truck hitting me knocking the breath out of me.. it’s like “DAMN she’s beautiful” and then… “and then there’s me”.  I don’t want responses to this entry about how everyone loves me or thinks I’m beautiful or that I have a beautiful soul.  I’m not writing this part of this entry to elicit that response.  I’m simply telling you how I feel.  When I feel like this, I can understand why I’m still alone.  While that’s cryptic, those that know my situation will understand what I say this for, and why…

I’ve cancelled wow.  I’m probably going to cancel my second swg account.  Since what I had planned to do with Melpomene is probably not going to happen now, there is no need for two accounts.  I can drop musician on Caliope and take up architect so I can build and replace as I see fit.  Tonight I’ll transfer mel’s properties to cal just in case I do this.  Plus canceling a second account would save me money.  I recently got an email that I’m accepted to the beta of Dark and Light, a new MMO.  My beta starts in November.  I believe a few friends will be there as well so I won’t be totally alone.  

Oh my god, a HUGE thank you to shaun and his family!  They sent me a box of lindt chocolate truffles and a pumpkin filled with MORE truffles!  It was so sweet, I got them yesterday and somehow managed to not eat the entire package :P  The card said , Hope these treats keep the tricks away… it was just so nice.  Thank you so much you guys and I LOVE YOU * hug *

What else what else….I guess that’s it for now… ciao

We're all actors and the world is our stage

When the words become scripted, your heart becomes an actor and your words become lies….



Don’t ever tell me you love me simply because I prompted you to.  If I ask you if you love me, and you say yes you better mean it.  If I tell you that I need to hear it today because today is a stressful day or just because I need to hear it, tell me honestly that you love me or tell me the truth.  

I was going to write about my crappy weekend but right now I’m so sad about other things I just cn’t so I’ll give a small synopsis.

1. Car got trashed


2. Got food poisoning and/or a combination of allergy related issues to some food and was violently ill


3. car got more trashed


4. end of weekend.

I want to be important.  If you’re part of my life then make me feel it.  

*stops ranting and just closes the post….   *

LONG post about ... well ... nothing, perhaps?

How is it possible for me to be late when I was up at 4am?  Ok this old age working too early thing is for the birds.  I fell asleep last night around 8:30 and got up at 10pm from a horrible nightmare, which I couldn’t shake.  I finally fell asleep again by 11pm, and was up at 3:30.  By the time I could have chosen to go back to bed it was 4am and I have to be up at 5am or so.  SO I figured I’d just stay up.  The benefit of this is I did get some stuff done lol.  I actually got showered, and actually GOT READY… you know like did my hair, and makeup and feel half decent about myself.  Not so afraid to go out and show my face to the world lol.  But then I got stuck trying to perfect something in game and before I knew it, it was 6:35 and (eeek!) I have to leave at 6:15.   So I flew out the door after shoving some vitamins and St. John’s Wort down my throat and here I am.  

Yup… here I am.  Here I sit with nothing to do.  Have a few things of course and I’m pacing myself getting through them so I at least have stuff to do all day but now I’m bored.  And the worst part is I’m bored and AWAKE.  Which is even more horrible considering I have nothing to do here ** cries **.

I know I shouldn’t complain.  I get paid more than I did at my last job and I have even less to do here than I did at my last job.  But I’m just not one of those people.  See I can think of at least 10 other things I can get down at home instead of wasting 8 hours here when I really only need 4 to get done what I have…  I’m salaried of course so if there were ever overtime they wouldn’t have to pay it but I still have to do a timesheet and I’ve been told I’ll be docked for the few times I was out (which is CONSIDERABLY less than at my last job by FAR!) but still… you see how it’s one way for them and another when it doesn’t benefit them?  Because of that I have to stay here.  ** sigh **

So what else is new… well I am now a registered member on 7 message boards now lol.  The utopia skye ones, two protectorate ones (long story), the romantics site (based in wow), the angels of wrath (based in wow), the Talus community (based in SWG) and two personal ones (meaning I wont tell you what they are, not that they are a personals board. :P  ) as well.   I’m having difficulty keeping up. :P  Utopia Skye ALWAYS get my first priority.  

I’m going to be canceling wow soon.  I downloaded the patch from yesterday and this weekend I’m going in game to give those I care about alternate means of contacting me.  The guilds will remain and I will still have them, but people are free to come and go as they please.  There are officers on both sides that can help in my absence.  Perhaps I’ll activate for a month or so… perhaps not.  But I need to do this for me.

Right now I have a calculated $76.89 (which will increase to $91.88) amount I pay EACH month for online games.  I can keep TSO for history sake, the boards and SWG and STILL cut my costs in half if I just take charge of my damn life.  I’m going to try again to do this.  Wish my luck.  Previously I’ve caved when I cancelled.  

I don’t have time for all these games anyway.  I never play TSO except for when people want to meet there.  I never play ts2 and I LOVE to build.  I never go there because the MMO’s is where I get my social interaction.  While I’m not ready to emerge into the real world and get my social interaction there so my MMO addiction isn’t as bad, I can at least cut it to one game.  I can also cut my cell bill again by $40 if I just don’t use the damn thing.  Right now I use it at work and when I’m driving to and from work because when I’m home I don’t want to be on the phone, I want to be in game.  But the $47 from the reduced expenses n game that I’ll save plus the $44 I can save on my phone gives me almost $100 a month that I can save.  NOT pay other bills with, but save… I have no money.  No savings, and no retirement.  It’s funny at a meeting at the company I was with the longest (Telecomm Industries) they had a retirement planner there and I remember then at the age of 25 or so laughing that I didn’t need to plan for retirement.  Now I’m 34 and have nothing.  I have roughly (according to old standards) 21 years with which to save enough money to live the rest of my life on.  Yea.  Right.

Additionally through some knowledge received recently I discovered that I’m a total loser (and don’t knock me on this assessment when you read this folks).  I’m 34 and have NOTHING to show for the years I’ve worked.  People younger than me have far more than me.  Without going into details I just know I suck basically (and yes this is the reason for my depression last night… the realization that you suck isn’t an easy pill to swallow).  I realize that I only suck in this one area, at least for right now, but I am talking majorly sucking here…. I need to get my act together.  

The fastest easiest way to get a large amount of money together would be to sell all my crap and move in with my mother.  BAM instant $850/month saved from not having to pay rent.  But I have to wonder is it worth it?  Is my sanity worth $850/month?  That’s where I’m at today.  

I finally understand why Militis was so much into sleeping.  He said dreams are far better than the real world.  I fought him tooth and nail for a long time on that one.   I think in some measure I get it now.  I think perhaps I was so tired because I was so depressed.  Money always depresses me, but it’s the things that I can’t mention here that weigh on my heart that depress me.  

We all have a shadow self, and that shadow self includes a shadow heart.  In this heart the things we live that perhaps we wouldn’t live or do in waking reality reside.  This is the place you go when you rationalize an action and reduce it from it’s “Omg, this isn’t acceptable” status to “Well it’s ok if this, and this, and this”.  This is the comfort zone you find in an action that you tolerate, allow, accept.  Even though you go here, you still have to continually justify it to your waking self.  This is the part of you that is aware that what you’re doing is wrong, if not for others, but even just for you.  This is the part that says, you’re worth more, you deserve more… This part continually looks into the shadow heart you live in and pokes at you saying “Hey, I’m talking here, are you listening?”  I’ve become quite adept at tuning that voice out, but even with the skills I have sometimes an echo persists ringing against my brain.

What I allow to happen to myself for whatever reason is wrong.  It may LOOK like the bright light that I wish it to be, but it is an illusion because behind that light is the truth.  That what I allow is in the end demeaning because it lacks the weight of reality.  

I’ll leave it at that for now.

Random Poetry comin atcha

What I want to be right is derived from what is wrong
The orb of beauty contained over my dream is simply a weak barrier
That any touch will dissolve, revealing reality
It feels so right, It REALLY feels right
I want it to be right
But it’s wrong.
Truth hits hardest when you accept it…

©SKW