Friday and the ribbon of trust

Sigh…. Friday’s are supposed to be good days.

Today not only did crony show up at 7:30 (a full half hour earlier than normal) but she brought Sharon with her!  Sharon doesn’t come in sometimes until 9…  I look forward to my morning peace.  

I’m so discouraged by this (I didn’t want to be here today, but it’s payday… ) that I just can’t write a blog entry.  Maybe I’ll write more later


Random Poetry coming atcha (been a while for these eh?)
Trust, the ribbon that binds us all
Sparkling in rich colors of newness
Wrapping snugly like the tie that binds
How soon in one action does it become tarnished
Withered with age
To fall away discarded
Staring at the face of the friend I knew
Now the stranger unknown
Were you always there?
I must have been blind to think you were more honorable
The veil is off
The ribbon discarded
Trust, the ribbon that can easily be thrown away…

©SKW

I have two left hands :P

You ever hear the saying of having two left feet?  Well today I have two left hands.  I’m so inspired to write a poem the best I’ve gotten so far is just snippets… because I don’t know if I’m just highly emotional or what but my poetry keeps tripping over itself…Here’s one line:

Memory…the warm blanket of reminiscence

What the heck do I do with that? Lol

Anyway, I have so many thoughts I want to express today.  There are a few factors hindering this expression… 1. I’m tired as hell.  I didn’t fall asleep until after 1am.  2.  I’m FREEZING.  Jesus this office is like a meat locker, and I’ve turned the thermostat so it reads 80, but I’m still freezing!; and 3. I’m at the office so I could be interrupted at any time.  So knowing this, I’ll do the best I can in the short time I have.

Thoughts on romantic Love…
Young people love so openly.  Older people (not old, just older: P) Love more cautiously.  I thrill to the delight of love’s expression falling like rose petals off the lips of someone who just barely understands it.  But stand back behind a wall of caution too that I shouldn’t fall prey to the giddiness of someone’s moment.  If we could take the youthful jubilance of love coupled with the ability to take risks, and DESIRE to take risks from young folks… and put that together with the knowledge of experienced people but take out the jaded-ness, and/or fear of hurt WOW would people have an awesome love!  

Thoughts on friendship Love…
I LOVE my friends… LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  They give me the means to feel love.  They fill my hearts cup when I’m empty and give me peace when I’m sad.  Not to mention that as much as I’ve had to learn recently to count on my friends for support, they’ve not once failed me. The thing is, most of my friends with a few exceptions are online now.  And most of them have not even met me… and they support me just as much as the friends I have in real life.  They each do in their own unique way.  Whether it’s a response to a blog, reading a poem, listening in game, chatting in yim, sharing a vision through laughter, making me feel intelligent by understanding my wackiness, holding me in the pixilated world as I cry in real life, opening to me fully, or whatever… these people have been here.  There are waaaaay to many people I have to thank.  My Real life friends, I would have for sure not been able to survive this far without your support.  My online friends I would not be able to be so open if it weren’t for you as well.  I know I don’t talk to some people all the time.  I know I’m horrible at calling some people who continually call me.  I know I’m not always available in yahoo, but I am so grateful for every single one of you.  Everyday I’m grateful…

Ok I wanted to write more, but I’m so cold right now I can barely type.  I’m considering calling my boss and telling her I’m sick in an attempt to go home and get warm and sleep ooooh I could sleep right now.  I’m sooooooooooooooo tired….

Ciao for now

When does 4pm come....

So today I sit here at work with very little to do.  Yesterday was great, crony wasn’t in and neither was Sharon.  It was a great day.  Today while Sharon isn’t in crony is… * sigh *.

Last night’s post was born out of fear and pain.  Thank you for responding Kami I do know that many people yourself included care deeply for me.  It wasn’t so much that people didn’t care last night, but it was because of something physically that happens to me that I can’t think of suffering in front of another.  That’s why I said the things I said.

Today is better for sure in that area.  But I am tired and my heart is still racing….

I’ve started writing on the boards again this time in journal format under the Games/Role Play/Star Wars and Sci-Fi stories & RP section.  You might take a look at them and give me feedback in the OOC forum.  

I’m having a ton of fun in SWG again.  My world in WoW suffers for this as I have not been in WoW save for a few seconds to check email, in over a week.  I’m sorry to all my friends in WoW that miss me.  I’ll be back I’m sure, but I needed a break.  Being a no stress entertainer (well stress in what I want to do, write, and decorate) has given me the means to be a bit more grounded lately and more of myself.  I’m not longer the foul mouthed muse who has to report people everyday for the nasty things they call her… It’s more like being in TSO and truly being the muse, but in SWG on Chilastra.  There’s none of the split negativity left over from starsider, its just pure fun.  That’s just what I need for now.  If any of my WoW friends read my blog pass the word on that I WILL be back, and that they can catch me on xfire as caliope or yim as suekw71, or in a galaxy far far away…  

Anyway… more later.

Things I know

I know now, that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If not because of my weight, then because of my body. Dana alone knows of the things that happen to me that are the reason I say this. I can't control it, and it happens without warning... I can't imagine being with someone and having to go through the embarrassment of what happens to me. So I know that no matter what... unless a miracle happens or I find a blind man to love me... I'm going to be alone.

...

The year in review

The year in review…


Today’s birthday holds no real significance for me.  Meaning that, it’s just a year.  But I’m really trying to focus on the special-ness of being born today.  Does that sound strange?  Heh, I’m so used to not even remembering my own damn birthday.  Indeed a few have forgotten it a few times in my history as well.  Sometimes when I’m down I feel like I don’t even remember that I was born, I was created, I am a miracle.  

Birth is a miracle.  Being created, is a miracle.  We get so caught up in daily life that sometimes perhaps we forget that we were created.  Lovingly created… and that makes EVERY SINGLE one of us special.

Yesterday I got all depressed thinking “Oh my god it’s been another year and I’ve done nothing!”  But that’s not what’s important is it?  Maybe it shouldn’t be all about your accomplishments but merely that you live.  

I think that for my down sides (and there are many *laugh*) there are some very good upsides too.  

A lot of people may have varied opinions of me.  Some have even gone as far to call me hippy.  This is due to the fact that I walk around telling everyone how special they are.  It doesn’t bother me that people think I may be a little nuts as long as they hear me speak.  Because even the most hardened mind will hear “You’re special” and somewhere along their life perhaps something will water that little seed I’ve planted.  And someday even perhaps that person will feel the truth of what I said.  

I am able to do this so freely online.  It’s the perfect environment for it.  Not only do most who are online come here to hide, but most are able to immerse themselves in the comfort of this world, that they don’t fight… they listen.

People share their darkest fears here; their deepest secrets (look at some of these blogs, or poetry posted).  It’s the perfect time to remind them they’re special.  

Do I have some greater purpose?  No…  I just think that on occasion we’re given rare glimpses of what real beauty is.  It’s not some perfect face, perfect life, or even a beautifully perfect rose, it’s the fact that we can SEE life, FEEL life, LIVE life.  The true beauty is in the miracle of us… each of us and today without fear of conceit, I celebrate the miracle of birth.  Happy birthday to everyone born this day.  Happy birthday to myself, and happy day to those sharing in the moment with others.

What a way to ruin a Birthday Morning *Long Post*

What a way to ruin a birthday morning. *LONG POST*

I have avoided writing about this for a long time now. But seeing as he thrust himself into prominence today, I figure I can return the favor.

I have a friend who’s been my friend for 15 years. We’ve been through some rough spots. Indeed when we argue the resulting argument is a shouting match because he wont listen at all, followed up with not talking for a few months. For all our dark spots, we have still remained friends somehow, for 15 years.

Three years ago I suffered depression as a result of things in my life. Three years ago I entered the comfort of the online world. I entered it only to hide. I had no idea when I did, that I would meet such wonderful people. Some of these people I now call family and many are close personal friends. I’ve met people from the “online world” . Shared secrets with them, shared hugs, tears etc. It’s not perfect and I have my share of hurts there too, but it’s been what I immerse myself in for three years now, and addicted or not, I don’t think I’ll be stopping anytime soon.

This friend I mention above, out of the very few real life friends I have, has stuck by me. In the sense that for the past two years despite my not calling him, or going over to his house, he still called every once in a while to check up on me. I was impressed because this is a level of maturity he had not had before. For this reason I would occasionally call him, and even though when I would see him, the visits were a bit strained, I would see him on occasion.

Let me tell you why I didn’t call him as much as lets say Dana or my online friends. First, whenever I call him (and maybe it’s because I don’t have much going on and so have not much to say) he’s always telling me about his life etc. I don’t mind that, I rather enjoy hearing about what he’s doing. But then he peppers the conversation with how I should just get over it, it was just a divorce, and I have to move on. He continues about his “thing” he is in. A group of folks that work hard to have fearless living. I support his endeavors, but I do not have to be an active part of them. As to why I don’t hang out with him, well that’s simple… 1. he smokes cigarettes still and I can’t stand it, nor do I want to go through cravings again just to be around him. And 2. He still smokes pot, and I don’t want to be around that either.

Aside from this, I remember times where I felt him looking at me accusingly in his house when I didn’t act a certain way or did something he felt I shouldn’t do (I wont go into it, that’s WAY too personal). I know that between he and his partner they talked about me… and that furthermore, to me, they each talked about or agreed with me on certain points if it benefited their needs.

Now before you go thinking he’s just a prick (while I’m liable to agree today) hold on. Aside from the failures, he’s been there through some of my roughest times. As a teenager (which is the last time I can remember thinking, “Yea I know he’d be there for me no matter what”) he shared one of my roughest times with me. Unfortunately afterwards, he felt it ok to tell everyone about it, (his partners etc) as it was a part of his life, never bothering to keep me out of it because I might want that trauma I suffered to remain private. I had to tell him several times to leave me out of it if he insisted on telling people about it.

A few weeks ago, I got a scathing message from him on my home phone. That if I don’t call him back then I’m not his friend blah blah blah. I didn’t call him back. Honestly I didn’t because that same day he signed on yahoo and we chatted while I was on air. I didn’t get his message until the next day and thought it was null and void since we spoke.

Which brings me to this morning.

I was having a good morning. On my way to work talking to Tony, and he calls. So I answer it, and he sings me happy birthday and I breathed an audible sigh of relief, thinking “ok this will be a nice call”. He tells me all about his up coming show that he’s choreographed, 90% of the proceeds of which will be donated to Katrina relief etc. Tells me all about his partners job and how well that’s going and all sorts of catch up on his life. By this time I’m at work but crony isn’t in so I let him keep talking. Then he asks me how I’m doing…

I’m ok, I tell him. Not much to report. And then he drops the bomb, “well I chase and chase and I’m just not doing it anymore, because I don’t feel you’re my friend”. So I said simply “Ok.” So we stood in silence for 20 seconds, before I said “I’m not sure what you want me to say”. I told him I wont deny him his feelings, but that if he feels that way it’s born of his own insecurities, not my lack of calls. (Keep in mind when I HAVE called him, I’ve had heart to heart chats with him sometimes with me in tears about how it’s not about him, I’m not ignoring him, I just have some things going on. So he’s informed… )

The conversation just degraded from there. I don’t remember all that was said, but he implied that I’m not his friend and that I don’t even know. I explained calmly that MANY people in my real life, my mother included don’t get phone calls. Hell I’m lucky if I can manage email sometimes. And well.. the rest doesn’t matter. What matters is that I finally said to him “Look, I don’t deny you your feelings, but I’m not going to argue this today.” Outside at this point I hear crony fumbling with the door so I said “I am at work, I have to go” at which point he hung up on me.

Part of me keeps saying, I don’t want a friend like that anyway and if I measured up all the bad things that our friendship has suffered it would far outweigh the good things. Part of me is just hurt that he would say those things to me, especially today… but still part of me knows on some level he is right. I didn’t call him or see him, so maybe I let go of the friendship a while ago. Either way, it was still a shitty way to make someone feel on their birthday.

Thanks D****.

This is your life, are you who you want to be…

These words keep going through my head.  I posted a request on CHICwit, telling people of my skills and seeing if anyone had any opportunities.  I’ve received a few responses.  I was excited, to the point of feeling some hope even as I felt trepidation (a higher position means less online time).  But the point is I felt hope.  

I just now was in the bathroom putting my hair in some clips (its soooo damn long now lol) and I sat at my desk pondering how good it might feel to try and be … well … different than I am now.  That’s when it hit me like a Mack truck.  Reality…

See it’s not that I can’t get a job, because I lack skill.  It’s not even that the market is too bad (even as slow as it is, I’ve never had a problem finding work).  My immediate problem that has BEEN my problem since 1999, is my weight.  Then in 2003 couple that with depression.  I never had a problem getting an interview.  I was a powerhouse in my interviews.  I know all the right things to do, say, be. Etc.  However, in 2003 I stopped getting interviews.  Then I just stopped looking with the exception of the few times I tried.

Everyone bases things on appearance, even if they try not to..  even if they’re successful at not judging.  At some point the demon of conformity creeps into their minds, even if they push it away.  Employers are no different.  They are in fact, worse.  They have a business to run.  So the bottom line is what they focus on.  There is no room for “hey look at me, I work well” if they see you’re overweight.  Overweight to them, means higher insurance premiums, and less face to face customer interaction.  And in customer service of a higher position than just answer phones or telemarketing…appearance is everything.  

So as I felt elated, now I feel defeated.  * sigh *

I won’t judge these people who requested resumes.  I will give them one… but I won’t hold my breath.  We’ll see

SO much more I could type about my weekend.  I’ll have to do it later…

Avocados yummmmm

Avocados…  yummmmm

So my mothers birthday gift came last night.  It came late, but that’s ok it came.  She gave me a gift of delivered groceries.  Among the myriad of things ordered, were… yup you guessed it, AVOCADOS.  So last night at nearly 10pm I had dinner.  A banana, two chips, and AVOCADO!!!  Yummmmmmmm.  Avocado and sushi, they’re like my two drugs lol.  

I feel better today though it’s only because it’s Friday.  I tried desperately to figure out a reason to call in today.  That’s such a sign to me of my severe dislike of this place.  I just don’t want to be here.  I fought it, of course, but even while driving I still was thinking “You can just turn around.. it might even work in your favor!”.

I am tired today, but at least my eyes aren’t burning.  I hate when they burn …  But I didn’t fall asleep until almost 1am last night.  I waited up like an idiot.  I shouldn’t have, I should know better than to think, well never mind.

So this morning I got up late as usual and bolted around the house getting ready.  I made it out the door 15 minutes late (which isn’t bad) and through a series of speeding and luck made it to work at 7:04.  * Whew *

Now I’m sitting here looking at my work pile (which consists of filing and three follow ups) and wondering how the HELL I’m going to make it through today.  You have NO idea how incredibly hard it is to make it look like your busy when you’re not.  And I’ve almost gotten approval for the final web page so I can’t even pretend that I’m working on that.  And once that’s done I have no hope of working on anyone else’s web page while at work.  Plus since the network guy was here on Wednesday I had to send all my files home and clean off my pc.  It’s probably safest to do that anyway, but still.  

Even now, if I could find a suitable reason to do so, I would make an excuse call Sharon and leave.  But given how badly messed up this check was, means that next check is ALSO messed up and while I’m salaried, I don’t want them to start deciding to dock me days off because I miss too many.

I’m going to try and get home early enough to get a playlist together for tonight’s show.  I went on air last night to cover for someone.  So I’ll be on air again tonight, and probably Saturday night too.  I don’t know what to do about Saturday.  The 12pm D.J. stepped down, so 12-3 is open… I could go on then and not have to go on sat night, but nighttime on the weekends is usually when folks are hopping.  I don’t know we’ll see.  I have sugar so I intend to be totally sugared out :P

I might write more later… for now I’m tired.  Thanks for reading and replying.  I’m glad people read this.  I personally think it’s crap (You know the Enquirer of the blog world :P) but I am glad nonetheless to see people reading and responding.

* hug * Kami, Kyle, Dana, Beth, Militis, and anyone else who’s read and posted

I should have known

I should have known that after the last check fiasco that I would not get my check around lunchtime today.  Hopefully nothing else clears, I’m already in the negative which eats into the money I was going to put away… well ok eats it all up. I hate paydays.  


Not only that, I am so tired of this budgeting crap.  Total rant here, but I need to vent.  

So one of my monthly bills increased by $3.  I had $10 in my account, I got $9 in gas and I’ve been sick over whether or not I can get to work or not right? I borrowed money from my mom ( IHATE doing that) and the charge that I had at $14.99 came through at $17.99 and bounced my account by 97 CENTS.  Now the bank wants an additional $30.  There goes the money I was going to have in the house for gas if needed.  

Oh that’s not all… I had another charge budgeted for $7.99 and it came through alright, but on my credit card which was maxxed.  Instead of the $15.00 payment I had slated for them now I have to pay them $36.97 as they charged me $29 for over the limit…


And we’ll just add to this pile of SHIT, my license,  drivers license expires 9-21.  Happy Fucking Birthday to me.  Where the hell am I going to find $10 for this too on top of the $60 in EXTRA charges I had?!?!

The BEST part of this rant, wait for it, it’s god damn good…


My check was $91 SHORT.  They decided to make it an even number check, when last month is was exactly one half my monthly pay… Now they’re doing me a favor cutting me two checks and I’m not feeling much love anyway here, but not only did I LOSE $60 in charges that were unexpected, but my check was $91 SHORT.


I QUIT… I’m so tired of this.  No matter what I do I can’t plan enough!
    

STOP the press!

OMG stop the press, I’ve either had too much sleep or I don’t know what.  This whole shift in thought has me scared.

But it was just a moment or two, and perhaps excitement is infectious after all.  Bleh… I don’t want to be excited about someone else’s ability to spend money.  

Maybe my excitement is that I get paid today and I too join the ranks of people able to spend money…  Hmmm….

SO today Sharon was talking AGAIN of her house remodeling.  Most of it went over my head like the breeze in the air that I can only attribute to be her hot air.  Ooops was that my speaking voice?  

Anyway, she mentioned something that caught my ear and * gasp * got my attention!.  The painter that came and painted her house painted her light fixtures to look like stained glass.  Oooooh, ahhhhh… When I moved into my apartment they had to replace the bathroom hanging lights for me.  When they took the old ones down, for some reason I asked if I could keep them, and they said yes.  I’m thinking about this painting thing… Maybe make my very own candle holders (the electrical housing is bad).  
Then I started thinking of all the crafting I used to do and got excited thinking that maybe, just maybe I could drag my ass offline for a day to indulge in some creation of something or other.  

Oh wait; hmm it’s been an hour now.  The feeling is passed.  

Ooh I joined the newest part of allpoetry.com today.  It’s called Share Poetry and it’s where serious poets can post and request NON sugar coated candy apple responses from fellow poets.  Hmmph, we’ll see what happens.  I only posted one so far.. Sleepers.

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday.  Why can’t you just be Friday?


Random Poetry

Switching lanes I digress into the slow lane
To my left speeding bullets of the life I should lead
Go by in a blur
The police cars waiting are those voices of expectation
“Halt!”  “Do you know you were ignoring your life?”
Ticketed with an LUI “Living under the influence of something different than expected”
I numbly go back to my day
Where is my radar detector so I can avoid this next time…?  

(wow I have no idea about this one lol… I would really like to see your feedback on this random poem.  Do you think I should post it? Or is it just mindless garbage to be tossed onto the piling heap :P )

*Yawn*

Man I love to read people’s blogs.  I know it may sound lame but people write so well in them!  And then I look at mine heh…  Why on earth do you all read this garbage I call my blog?

Random Poetry..

None today, I wrote a pretty dark one at AP if you care to read it.  

http://allpoetry.com/Poem/1509304

Monday...*cry* I want to go back to bed!

So it’s Monday…  Let’s recap the weekend shall we?

Friday Night: Go on air, have some fun, get really violently sick, end fun …

Saturday: Re-discover the joys of SWG and having fun.  Meet and be accepted by a group of folks who only loves to have fun.  Have 87 Listeners on the station! WOOT, Go on air and have an AWESEOM time.  Go to different online game fully happy for the time I’ve had, get cursed out horribly so, get upset, end fun…Go to sleep

Sunday: Have Celtic connection broadcast (slow songs, etc) have a lot of listeners.  Get to talk to a few people in SWG and discover awesome new friendships.  Feel really in my element for the first time in months, Go off air, putz around cleaning and what not.  Go back on air with an impromptu broadcast for “just a little bit”.  Remain on air having a party (a WILD party) for a good 3-4 hours.  Leave one game for another, have a mildly good time (only because of the company I kept did I have fun...).  Upset someone, Realize it’s waay past my bedtime, pass out.


So all in all I think it was a good weekend?

Now I’m back in the office with crony behind me.  I’m starving and have nothing except ramen.  Ramen for breakfast is where I draw the line.  So now I’m working on ignoring the hunger pangs that plague me while crony cooks up some scrumptious smelling breakfast for herself.

I have tea though!  That’s something, right?  Maybe I’ll write more later, for now I feel too discombobulated (Word for the day :P) to write more.

(volumes of things I wish I could say, but I just can’t post here…)

I've heard of cold showers, but DAYUM this takes the cake.

I was really late to work today.  And on a day that crony is in * sigh *.  Oh well.  I showered this morning, in ICE COLD water.  I mean, I had the knob turned ALL the way to hot and there wasn’t a single drop of even lukewarm water!  It was awful.  I frequently take cold-ish showers… I prefer them to hot ones, but this was crazy!  By the time I was trying to rinse conditioner out of my hair I was shivering and each drop of water was like an ice shard that penetrated my skin before freezing me thoroughly.  And now a few hours later I’m still chilled.  Muse Popsicle…who wants one!

More I suppose to come later… right now I get to listen to crony yell at me because the office ordered Chinese yesterday and she claims to have told me on Wednesday that she wanted to order Chinese today and as a result didn’t bring her lunch * sigh * ..  I have the cash that everyone gave me yesterday because I didn’t have $3.50 in cash so I had to use my card… Even though I have to put that in the bank and probably sooner rather than later (or I’ll bounce) perhaps she would like me to spend that?  Jeez I can’t win for nothing…. Yesterday I ordered WITH the office and had to charge it, now I have to go to the bank to deposit and today I’m being “talked to” by crony.  This sucks….

Happy Birthday Dana! (oh and work sucks :P)

So bloglines has this nifty little tool;  blog for word.  So now I’m blogging literally from word… No internet explorer page to be open, no way for crony to see that I’m talking about her :P heh.  

Sharon is off again.  She took Tuesday off and is “working from home today”.  So that leaves Crony who had the damn good work ethic to come in yesterday (she normally only works Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but Monday was a holiday) and then of course today * sigh *.  I’ll never be rid of her.  She has been unnaturally sweet to me lately.  I wonder if my silent treatment of both her and Sharon for a day did anything.  I wasn’t trying to do anything, I just couldn’t speak to them for fear I would say something bad.  

To date, I still don’t have an answer to my email.  Sharon said in her email (which I copied in here) Payday is always the last day of the month.  Well crony, before she decided she didn’t like me offered other payday arrangements to me, which at the time I thought was damn cool of her.  I reiterated them to Sharon (always be safe you know. CYA) and all was confirmed.  Now I’m not so sure based on what Sharon said.  And I’ll tell ya, if they change the pay arrangements they made, I’m uber screwed this check.  Royally… because that’s over a grand I wont see until a full two weeks later.  I sent Sharon an email right away of course re-confirming our arrangements, but she must have been sooo busy thinking about her vacation that she forgot (cant you see the dripping sarcasm?).  

Winter is coming, and I still have  no insurance.  Today I not only have a sinus headache but I’m feeling a bit like i have a cold.  I have to figure something out for this…  I can’t be without insurance.

So I’m at work today and I had about 7 things set to do, and while Sharon “works at home” she gave me a few more.  (Did someone say working from home?  Heh I wonder…)  Anyway it’s not 9am and I’ve gotten all but 2 things done, and those two are things I can’t do until later (the office I have to call about them doesn’t open until 11am).  So it’s just crony and I, and I didn’t sleep well (finally fell asleep at 1:45 and up at 6) and I have nothing to do.  I even redesigned one of the company’s web pages I was working on.  The thing is crony sits behind me and she could be turned around looking at me and I wouldn’t even know it because my back is to her.  So I can’t work on other peoples websites though I would love to.  I have two I want to get done quickly…  

Hey Happy Birthday Dana!!  I’m so excited.. I remembered.

I swear once upon a time I decided I didn’t care about my birthdays.  Seriously I don’t.  It’s been so long since I got a birthday gift, that wasn’t something I “needed”.  Even this year lol I asked my mom who wanted to take me clothes shopping (last time I bought clothes, jeez was at least 5 years ago) to instead let me get things I needed like… groceries :P .  So many people I know have birthdays in September…  Lets see if my mind can remember them all :P

Blanche 9-1
Dana – 9-7
Chris 9-18
Carl 9-21
Me
Linda 9-28

I know there are more I’m forgetting :P The thing that sucks is after September I have a few October friends too.  Beth is 10-20? Daved is 10-7 or 10-10 I never remember (I’ve known him for 15 years lol I STILL can’t remember his damn birthday).

Then some November ones Kyle, Mary etc… * sigh* I hate remembering dates.


Thanks Kami for helping me with that link.  You’re awesome!!!

Well I suppose I should go and try to write more later…      

Ok so I'm a retard

I can't figure out how to load the damn picture...

Lets see if this works

Bleh

So lately I’ve been in a bit of a slump.  Well not lately… for a long time.  You gauge things in your life by markers you’re familiar with you know?  Like, it’s bad, but you know it’s really bad if (insert your milestone here) happens.  For me, I know it’s really bad … when I can’t even write.  Writing for me has become my cheap therapy.  I write it out.  But what do you do when you can’t write it out?

You don’t know the effort it took to write this blog entry even….


I feel like my creativity and life line was running along a big pipe flowing smoothly...and  then somewhere something got pinched and now not only is the flow stopped, but now there’s a backup too.

I spent my weekend in game again.  It’s funny… someone mentioned Xfire to me and I registered.  XFire is this cool little thing that shows you how long you’ve played games etc.  Yea, I was pretty shocked to see my stats this morning.  Last week I spent the equivalent of almost a FULL work week, in game.  Take a peek… (this will update continually so this number may change, but at the time of this post I had spent 38 hours last week in World of Warcraft, OH and 11 in SWG. )

Even during game, I spent the latter portion of this weekend with a massive sinus headache…. One day it just hurt, the next day it hurt so bad my forehead was sensitive to the touch!  It still is a little bit…I’m dreading winter, cold season, flu, and me… no insurance

I went to SWG for the first time in months this past weekend.  I think it’s the first time I’ve seen it since I got the new PC and WOW it’s beautiful.  In any event  I have all these descriptives that I want to write about something… maybe like an RP or something but I feel like their may be no point you  know?  So I don’t write it.  Same with poetry lately…  So I have all this bottled up inside of me and no desire to write it out.  The result is a lifeless me sitting in front of the PC occasionally enjoying bursts of happiness but mainly only going through the motions.

Ever feel like you just can’t wake up?

What a bleh day, week, weekend, life….

Random poetry….
Someone bring my muse back, because I think she ran away.  (No poetry today folks.. sorry.  I’m not sure it really mattered anyway, so I’m sure you’re not missing much.)    

TGIF and an extra day off (THANK GOD)

So today’s Friday. Thanks god. I was so tired last night I fell asleep at my desk at 7pm. I woke up every 20 min or so simply to keep myself in game because I wasn’t sure I was going to stay up or not. Finally at about 7:45 I logged out of game and went to the couch thinking I would read. I didn’t wake up until the phone rang at 1am. Then I went to bed at 1:15 and didn’t get up again until 4am, then I went back to bed right away and didn’t get up until 6am (almost). I must have needed some sleep eh?

I starve myself of sleep a lot. I need to stop doing that during the work week at least. Tonight I’m supposed to go on air. Yesterday someone blew off their shift. If I’m not there it seems people forget things. But I can only go on air if the mood and energy is right, otherwise it’s just music being played you know? I hope it will work ok today. I have a little cash with me so on the way home from work I’m going to get a latte. Heh, that will be a treat for me. I have cash enough to get a few groceries and I may get some basics on the way home. But the money I have for groceries is all I have that’s extra and I kind of want to hold onto it incase something comes up (as it invariably always does).

I have to go to my moms early tomorrow morning to help bathe my dog. This serves as my reminder.

I called my ex mother in law yesterday to wish her a happy birthday. She made mention to the fact that Emily is coming home for good in about three weeks and shewould definitely be contacting me. Heh, we’ll see. Considering I’ve left her more messages than I’ve left folks that call me daily, and she hasn’t returned my calls… we’ll see.

Stephanie Bogdan an old friend of mine recently got in touch with me via classmates.com. What is it with people coming out of the woodwork to get in touch with me. I mean I haven’t talked to her in 15 years! First Dan last year (that was a waste of time). Then Stephanie this year, what’s next Cassie? The girl who wanted to kick my ass forever? Is she coming next? Lol…

Believe it or not when I was growin up I had a much harder shell than I do now. But before you start thinking I was some badass, I was still the muse. I think I’ve always been the muse in some respects. I can remember giving gifts to people for no reason. Trying to make people feel good all the time, etc. It’s funny, people either loved me for it or wanted to kick my ass for it lol. Cassie wanted to kick my ass :P

Even back then I made a few people’s days. I have on occasion received emails from the people that always remembered me as being the one that turned their life around just from the one liner I said, or the one time I did something. That amazes me. I mean I’m happy for them of course, but that “one day” I did something just seems like something so small.

I remember one day in High School. In my junior year, I suffered a SEVERE backlash from the entire junior class. There were rumors all abound about me because no one understood what I had gone through for one month that kept me out of classes. You should hear some of the rumors… “I hear she killed someone and is in prison” lol what a joke. “I hear she went crazy and broke everything in sight” Just crazy rumors. Anyway, when I returned to school barely anyone would talk to me. I was a loner anyway pretty much. I had my friends outside the school system. I didn’t want friend in the cliques of high school. And as I was walking down the hall some girl was in tears over some people that made her feel like crap. I’ll never forget because I said this in passing to her. I didn’t even know her… I said “Listen people will always try and bring you down when you have a gift that they want or know they can’t have… so FUCK them. Live your life and enjoy it, because you live it for YOU, not for them.” She just stared at me as I walked away a smile on my face.

At the end of the year, I received a gift of a t-shirt or sweater ( I lost it when I moved to Naperville L ). And on it, she stitched my angel. Ironic considering when I was gone for a month my nickname among those who knew what I went through was “angel”. She wrote me a letter thanking me profusely for offering her the turning point in her life when she stood up to people and was a bettter person for it , etc. There are so many of those memories I have inside me.

Those memories get lost sometimes for me, when I focus on all my failings. I’m too fat, I’m too poor, I’m too addicted to online, I’m a horrible friend, I’m never going to be very intelligent, I’m never going to be beautiful, I’m never going to have my dream house (which even if I could would be a marvel if I could find an architect to buildit lol), I’m never going to find love again that is fulfilling… so many things. These are my demons. These and the spirits/energy of those both online and offline who have hurt me. When I’m in the throes of the torments of this, it’s hard to remember the little bright specks of light in my life where even when I suffered the most, somehow I wound up shining for someone.

I revel in those moments right now and allow myself to feel proud. As humble as I am, I’m proud that for a special few I’ve made a difference. I’m going to hold tight to this feeling this morning. So in the face of crony and her whisperings, and in the face of Sharon and whomever else brings me down (including my demons) I will remember that as Jessie said I do have a special gift and sometimes…. Just sometimes I’ve let it shine and made a difference.

Random Poetry comin atcha…(not really random, but a favorite from Emily Dickinson)
Emily Dickinson - Awake ye muses nine
Awake ye muses nine, sing me a strain divine,
Unwind the solemn twine, and tie my Valentine!
Oh the Earth was made for lovers, for damsel, and hopeless swain,
For sighing, and gentle whispering, and unity made of twain.
All things do go a courting, in earth, or sea, or air,
God hath made nothing single but thee in His world so fair!
The bride, and then the bridegroom, the two, and then the one,
Adam, and Eve, his consort, the moon, and then the sun;
The life doth prove the precept, who obey shall happy be,
Who will not serve the sovereign, be hanged on fatal tree.
The high do seek the lowly, the great do seek the small,
None cannot find who seeketh, on this terrestrial ball;
The bee doth court the flower, the flower his suit receives,
And they make merry wedding, whose guests are hundred leaves;
The wind doth woo the branches, the branches they are won,
And the father fond demandeth the maiden for his son.
The storm doth walk the seashore humming a mournful tune,
The wave with eye so pensive, looketh to see the moon,
Their spirits meet together, they make their solemn vows,
No more he singeth mournful, her sadness she doth lose.
The worm doth woo the mortal, death claims a living bride,
Night unto day is married, morn unto eventide;
Earth is a merry damsel, and heaven a knight so true,
And Earth is quite coquettish, and beseemeth in vain to sue.
Now to the application, to the reading of the roll,
To bringing thee to justice, and marshalling thy soul:
Thou art a human solo, a being cold, and lone,
Wilt have no kind companion, thou reap'st what thou hast sown.
Hast never silent hours, and minutes all too long,
And a deal of sad reflection, and wailing instead of song?
There's Sarah, and Eliza, and Emeline so fair,
And Harriet, and Susan, and she with curling hair!
Thine eyes are sadly blinded, but yet thou mayest see
Six true, and comely maidens sitting upon the tree;
Approach that tree with caution, then up it boldly climb,
And seize the one thou lovest, nor care for space, or time!
Then bear her to the greenwood, and build for her a bower,
And give her what she asketh, jewel, or bird, or flower
– And bring the fife, and trumpet, and beat upon the drum
– And bid the world Goodmorrow, and go to glory home!