What a way to ruin a Birthday Morning *Long Post*

What a way to ruin a birthday morning. *LONG POST*

I have avoided writing about this for a long time now. But seeing as he thrust himself into prominence today, I figure I can return the favor.

I have a friend who’s been my friend for 15 years. We’ve been through some rough spots. Indeed when we argue the resulting argument is a shouting match because he wont listen at all, followed up with not talking for a few months. For all our dark spots, we have still remained friends somehow, for 15 years.

Three years ago I suffered depression as a result of things in my life. Three years ago I entered the comfort of the online world. I entered it only to hide. I had no idea when I did, that I would meet such wonderful people. Some of these people I now call family and many are close personal friends. I’ve met people from the “online world” . Shared secrets with them, shared hugs, tears etc. It’s not perfect and I have my share of hurts there too, but it’s been what I immerse myself in for three years now, and addicted or not, I don’t think I’ll be stopping anytime soon.

This friend I mention above, out of the very few real life friends I have, has stuck by me. In the sense that for the past two years despite my not calling him, or going over to his house, he still called every once in a while to check up on me. I was impressed because this is a level of maturity he had not had before. For this reason I would occasionally call him, and even though when I would see him, the visits were a bit strained, I would see him on occasion.

Let me tell you why I didn’t call him as much as lets say Dana or my online friends. First, whenever I call him (and maybe it’s because I don’t have much going on and so have not much to say) he’s always telling me about his life etc. I don’t mind that, I rather enjoy hearing about what he’s doing. But then he peppers the conversation with how I should just get over it, it was just a divorce, and I have to move on. He continues about his “thing” he is in. A group of folks that work hard to have fearless living. I support his endeavors, but I do not have to be an active part of them. As to why I don’t hang out with him, well that’s simple… 1. he smokes cigarettes still and I can’t stand it, nor do I want to go through cravings again just to be around him. And 2. He still smokes pot, and I don’t want to be around that either.

Aside from this, I remember times where I felt him looking at me accusingly in his house when I didn’t act a certain way or did something he felt I shouldn’t do (I wont go into it, that’s WAY too personal). I know that between he and his partner they talked about me… and that furthermore, to me, they each talked about or agreed with me on certain points if it benefited their needs.

Now before you go thinking he’s just a prick (while I’m liable to agree today) hold on. Aside from the failures, he’s been there through some of my roughest times. As a teenager (which is the last time I can remember thinking, “Yea I know he’d be there for me no matter what”) he shared one of my roughest times with me. Unfortunately afterwards, he felt it ok to tell everyone about it, (his partners etc) as it was a part of his life, never bothering to keep me out of it because I might want that trauma I suffered to remain private. I had to tell him several times to leave me out of it if he insisted on telling people about it.

A few weeks ago, I got a scathing message from him on my home phone. That if I don’t call him back then I’m not his friend blah blah blah. I didn’t call him back. Honestly I didn’t because that same day he signed on yahoo and we chatted while I was on air. I didn’t get his message until the next day and thought it was null and void since we spoke.

Which brings me to this morning.

I was having a good morning. On my way to work talking to Tony, and he calls. So I answer it, and he sings me happy birthday and I breathed an audible sigh of relief, thinking “ok this will be a nice call”. He tells me all about his up coming show that he’s choreographed, 90% of the proceeds of which will be donated to Katrina relief etc. Tells me all about his partners job and how well that’s going and all sorts of catch up on his life. By this time I’m at work but crony isn’t in so I let him keep talking. Then he asks me how I’m doing…

I’m ok, I tell him. Not much to report. And then he drops the bomb, “well I chase and chase and I’m just not doing it anymore, because I don’t feel you’re my friend”. So I said simply “Ok.” So we stood in silence for 20 seconds, before I said “I’m not sure what you want me to say”. I told him I wont deny him his feelings, but that if he feels that way it’s born of his own insecurities, not my lack of calls. (Keep in mind when I HAVE called him, I’ve had heart to heart chats with him sometimes with me in tears about how it’s not about him, I’m not ignoring him, I just have some things going on. So he’s informed… )

The conversation just degraded from there. I don’t remember all that was said, but he implied that I’m not his friend and that I don’t even know. I explained calmly that MANY people in my real life, my mother included don’t get phone calls. Hell I’m lucky if I can manage email sometimes. And well.. the rest doesn’t matter. What matters is that I finally said to him “Look, I don’t deny you your feelings, but I’m not going to argue this today.” Outside at this point I hear crony fumbling with the door so I said “I am at work, I have to go” at which point he hung up on me.

Part of me keeps saying, I don’t want a friend like that anyway and if I measured up all the bad things that our friendship has suffered it would far outweigh the good things. Part of me is just hurt that he would say those things to me, especially today… but still part of me knows on some level he is right. I didn’t call him or see him, so maybe I let go of the friendship a while ago. Either way, it was still a shitty way to make someone feel on their birthday.

Thanks D****.