TGIF and an extra day off (THANK GOD)

So today’s Friday. Thanks god. I was so tired last night I fell asleep at my desk at 7pm. I woke up every 20 min or so simply to keep myself in game because I wasn’t sure I was going to stay up or not. Finally at about 7:45 I logged out of game and went to the couch thinking I would read. I didn’t wake up until the phone rang at 1am. Then I went to bed at 1:15 and didn’t get up again until 4am, then I went back to bed right away and didn’t get up until 6am (almost). I must have needed some sleep eh?

I starve myself of sleep a lot. I need to stop doing that during the work week at least. Tonight I’m supposed to go on air. Yesterday someone blew off their shift. If I’m not there it seems people forget things. But I can only go on air if the mood and energy is right, otherwise it’s just music being played you know? I hope it will work ok today. I have a little cash with me so on the way home from work I’m going to get a latte. Heh, that will be a treat for me. I have cash enough to get a few groceries and I may get some basics on the way home. But the money I have for groceries is all I have that’s extra and I kind of want to hold onto it incase something comes up (as it invariably always does).

I have to go to my moms early tomorrow morning to help bathe my dog. This serves as my reminder.

I called my ex mother in law yesterday to wish her a happy birthday. She made mention to the fact that Emily is coming home for good in about three weeks and shewould definitely be contacting me. Heh, we’ll see. Considering I’ve left her more messages than I’ve left folks that call me daily, and she hasn’t returned my calls… we’ll see.

Stephanie Bogdan an old friend of mine recently got in touch with me via classmates.com. What is it with people coming out of the woodwork to get in touch with me. I mean I haven’t talked to her in 15 years! First Dan last year (that was a waste of time). Then Stephanie this year, what’s next Cassie? The girl who wanted to kick my ass forever? Is she coming next? Lol…

Believe it or not when I was growin up I had a much harder shell than I do now. But before you start thinking I was some badass, I was still the muse. I think I’ve always been the muse in some respects. I can remember giving gifts to people for no reason. Trying to make people feel good all the time, etc. It’s funny, people either loved me for it or wanted to kick my ass for it lol. Cassie wanted to kick my ass :P

Even back then I made a few people’s days. I have on occasion received emails from the people that always remembered me as being the one that turned their life around just from the one liner I said, or the one time I did something. That amazes me. I mean I’m happy for them of course, but that “one day” I did something just seems like something so small.

I remember one day in High School. In my junior year, I suffered a SEVERE backlash from the entire junior class. There were rumors all abound about me because no one understood what I had gone through for one month that kept me out of classes. You should hear some of the rumors… “I hear she killed someone and is in prison” lol what a joke. “I hear she went crazy and broke everything in sight” Just crazy rumors. Anyway, when I returned to school barely anyone would talk to me. I was a loner anyway pretty much. I had my friends outside the school system. I didn’t want friend in the cliques of high school. And as I was walking down the hall some girl was in tears over some people that made her feel like crap. I’ll never forget because I said this in passing to her. I didn’t even know her… I said “Listen people will always try and bring you down when you have a gift that they want or know they can’t have… so FUCK them. Live your life and enjoy it, because you live it for YOU, not for them.” She just stared at me as I walked away a smile on my face.

At the end of the year, I received a gift of a t-shirt or sweater ( I lost it when I moved to Naperville L ). And on it, she stitched my angel. Ironic considering when I was gone for a month my nickname among those who knew what I went through was “angel”. She wrote me a letter thanking me profusely for offering her the turning point in her life when she stood up to people and was a bettter person for it , etc. There are so many of those memories I have inside me.

Those memories get lost sometimes for me, when I focus on all my failings. I’m too fat, I’m too poor, I’m too addicted to online, I’m a horrible friend, I’m never going to be very intelligent, I’m never going to be beautiful, I’m never going to have my dream house (which even if I could would be a marvel if I could find an architect to buildit lol), I’m never going to find love again that is fulfilling… so many things. These are my demons. These and the spirits/energy of those both online and offline who have hurt me. When I’m in the throes of the torments of this, it’s hard to remember the little bright specks of light in my life where even when I suffered the most, somehow I wound up shining for someone.

I revel in those moments right now and allow myself to feel proud. As humble as I am, I’m proud that for a special few I’ve made a difference. I’m going to hold tight to this feeling this morning. So in the face of crony and her whisperings, and in the face of Sharon and whomever else brings me down (including my demons) I will remember that as Jessie said I do have a special gift and sometimes…. Just sometimes I’ve let it shine and made a difference.

Random Poetry comin atcha…(not really random, but a favorite from Emily Dickinson)
Emily Dickinson - Awake ye muses nine
Awake ye muses nine, sing me a strain divine,
Unwind the solemn twine, and tie my Valentine!
Oh the Earth was made for lovers, for damsel, and hopeless swain,
For sighing, and gentle whispering, and unity made of twain.
All things do go a courting, in earth, or sea, or air,
God hath made nothing single but thee in His world so fair!
The bride, and then the bridegroom, the two, and then the one,
Adam, and Eve, his consort, the moon, and then the sun;
The life doth prove the precept, who obey shall happy be,
Who will not serve the sovereign, be hanged on fatal tree.
The high do seek the lowly, the great do seek the small,
None cannot find who seeketh, on this terrestrial ball;
The bee doth court the flower, the flower his suit receives,
And they make merry wedding, whose guests are hundred leaves;
The wind doth woo the branches, the branches they are won,
And the father fond demandeth the maiden for his son.
The storm doth walk the seashore humming a mournful tune,
The wave with eye so pensive, looketh to see the moon,
Their spirits meet together, they make their solemn vows,
No more he singeth mournful, her sadness she doth lose.
The worm doth woo the mortal, death claims a living bride,
Night unto day is married, morn unto eventide;
Earth is a merry damsel, and heaven a knight so true,
And Earth is quite coquettish, and beseemeth in vain to sue.
Now to the application, to the reading of the roll,
To bringing thee to justice, and marshalling thy soul:
Thou art a human solo, a being cold, and lone,
Wilt have no kind companion, thou reap'st what thou hast sown.
Hast never silent hours, and minutes all too long,
And a deal of sad reflection, and wailing instead of song?
There's Sarah, and Eliza, and Emeline so fair,
And Harriet, and Susan, and she with curling hair!
Thine eyes are sadly blinded, but yet thou mayest see
Six true, and comely maidens sitting upon the tree;
Approach that tree with caution, then up it boldly climb,
And seize the one thou lovest, nor care for space, or time!
Then bear her to the greenwood, and build for her a bower,
And give her what she asketh, jewel, or bird, or flower
– And bring the fife, and trumpet, and beat upon the drum
– And bid the world Goodmorrow, and go to glory home!