Hard Affirmations...

Today I can handle whatever comes up, knowing that I am surrounded with all the positive energies of good and love in the universe.
You CAN surpass whatever life throws at you.  KNOW this, and do it.  

Rule One - You will receive a body. Whether you love it or hate it, it's yours for life, so accept it. What counts is what's inside.
~Cherie Carter Scott- Rules of Life
Today love your body.  Give yourself a hug


Wow two affirmations that speak to the very things I feel I fail at…  Today will be a bit rough dealing with these ;)  


The first one as of late( meaning the past two years) has been a difficult one, because I handled so much at one point in my life that I just think it got to be too much.  I just think that I just didn’t WANT to handle things anymore you know?  Just avoid the situations that cause these “things” to come up and then voila! I don’t have to deal with them.  The problem is that when something comes up now, I find I’m less equipped to deal with it than I was a few years ago.  I know it’s like riding a bike, you never quite forget… but sometimes it takes a while for the knowledge to come back to you.

As for the second one, well this is a HUGE subject for me.  Literally.  A lifetime of ridicule starting early on left me robbed of a good self image.  Perpetuating that was my always being the outcast (yes I was lol, it was only college and beyond that somehow, people started to see who I was all along).  But beyond that, (I know I’m skirting the deep issue here, but this is particularly hard because it is where I’m most vulnerable and as much as I share here, this *is* a public blog…) I know that my core issue is with my body.  Everything centers around that.  It’s easy to look at me and say “Well just do ______.  You know that’s all you need” but it’s not so easy to be in my shoes.  

Sure I know peope overcome things all the time, and I hope to be one of those someday but for now I am not.  I’m someone who is at war with my body.  And believe it or not, my body is at war right back at me…  This … exercise in my resolution of self love is my attempt to make peace with my body even if it doesn’t change right away.  It seems to be doing well in small steps, but as much as I’ve posted here about being more upbeat etc… I still have my days.  I just post less about them.

Facing this particular issue is hard.

It’s so much a part of who I am that when I was in talk with someone on the phone he even made mention “That seems to be a huge issue for you”.  I was shocked that I had apparently said so much to someone who hadn’t even met me that he (sorry guys, but on top of that he’s a guy and HE even got the clue) saw my issue.  

I am so conscious about it, because this world we live in even to some extent the online one, is so governed by surface that barely anyone sees beyond that.  Some part of me thinks I will remain the way I am until I meet someone who sees beyond, that somehow after that I will have found the magic key to my own abilities to help myself through this acceptance from another.  A bit part of me “feels” this statement is accurate because of who I am deep inside.

But I can hear all the others who would wish me a swift journey to change saying “Don’t wait, just do it”.  Then I fall back to feeling inadequate.  

I hate having to wear my physical issues like a disease.  Like when I meet someone I have to say “By the way I’m _____”, like a disclaimer.  I have to say it quickly too so that not too much gets invested if they’re shallow.  I hate this…


*****

Some small part of me on the flip side is afraid that I will meet someone who sees beyond surface, awakens my ability to help myself, and that when I do what I need and see the results, that I will in turn say goodbye and leave them...  It’s such a de-motivating thought and is primarily one of the reasons I don’t do anything.  It’s like if I do what I need to do, then I’m afraid I’ll meet someone who wouldn’t love me as I am right now, and hurt me.  And then if I do what I need to do after I meet someone I’ll want to be free and as such I’ll leave them and I don’t want to do that either…  Boy talk about thinking of too much lol.  

Its fear like this that started me on the journey toward even HAVING these issues.  I can remember when I was married, I was afraid I would wind up being the one unfaithful (not that I have *EVER* been unfaithful in any relationships, ever, but it was still a fear of mine) because I knew I was unhappy.  At that time, people were drawn to me… both male and female.  Literally, people would just come up to me and start talking.  I remember thinking, how can I be invisible…  So I did what I thought I had to, I took away what people initially saw and that (In my opinion) was my physical beauty.  It worked it seems, but now after the marriage and when I’m out there so to speak, I suffer from the very thing I did to protect my principles, and instead of protecting me now it’s killing me.

I have no positive words or thoughts on this, divulging of information.  I’m just telling it like it is.  And so I have, so here is sits.  Read if you will.

~S