Reflect on your actions today. Did you fill them with love? If not, be mindful of this going forward. If yes, give yourself a hug.
This was the affirmation I pulled today. I’m a little awake today so I feel as if I’m really trying to do this. I even had a conversation with Crony today! Course that could be considered a random act of kindness. Or just temporary insanity :P
In any event, I will try to do this all day today and make it part of everyday.
Things might be looking up for me financially shhh! *laughs * By looking up I mean that this month for the first time in a long time I’m not operating in the red. I wont have much money left over but I’ll have a LITTLE bit. Enough to put in the house for gas if I need it etc. Looking at my projected plan though, I’m still on track to have my two credit cards and one of my two medical bills completely paid off when I’m ready to move. Now the only problem is where to move.
Honestly, I’m truly hoping that psycho man gets kicked. Why you ask, would I want to stay there? Well for one the people in my building have been there for a minimum of 8 years and they’re all super nice. With the obvious exception of psycho dude. Anyway, short of HIM, there is no problem with the apartment save for the landlords being really slow to fix crap. Even then, the things that have broken weren’t critical. Even when the main bathroom had issues, I still have a second one. Is it optimum living? No. But it’s a place I’ve been for almost two years, I don’t want to pack up and move, deal with the expense, finding a new place, getting settled. What is the trade off you know?
That said however, if psycho dude doesn’t leave, I will HAVE to leave. He broke the door off his apartment. Literally. No I’m not kidding. It’s broken off and he has it propped in the doorway. The smoke smell is intensified because of this and truly this week I had some cravings again. That sucks. His friends are constantly coming over and shouting at him through the door (I mean hello!? The door is BROEKN, just go in and stop shouting stupid!) And I hate when they buzz me to get in (No, I don’t let them in) but I sit in silence more often than not because I do fear repercussion if they know I’m home and I didn’t give them entrance. This is the part of where I live that sucks. Remove this, and all else is tolerable and even acceptable in avoidance of cost, inconvenience, etc.
Beyond that I slept only 5 hours last night… Didn’t meet my resolution :(, but the bit that I did sleep was well slept. I feel more rested today almost as rested as I was yesterday.
I need more days like yesterday. I was motivated, happy, and generally felt I could succeed at anything. Today is like that too but tempered without the benefit of the caffeine rush that two gigantic lattes all day long will add. :P
Did I mention I even talked to Crony!? Yea…scary. Course she IS going on vacation for a whole week YAHOO!!!! So maybe my happiness is just her removal from my work for a week :P
So while I’m in such a good mood I have a few good things to say. Yes, it’s me you’re talking to :P (smart alecs)
- Thank you to all those who submitted affirmations to me, about me, and things that I should/could focus on to remember that I am loved and special and all that. I was surprised at the positive reception I received to this. It has helped me in the two days that I’ve been doing this (and today I started officially after having compiled 12 pages of affirmations! :-O) to read some positive comments from folks contributing. Thank you. Feel free to keep sending them, the list can only get better by continually growing.
- I’ve been pondering the idea of perhaps starting a group in my local community (perhaps even the above mentioned neighbors and some friends…minus psycho dude of course) to do some random acts of kindness or share happy things with each other. Pondering, because I have a propensity for starting projects that have the greatest intentions but then because of depression/mood swings/etc never finishing them… What do you guys think?
By the way totally a side note, I saw this quote in an email from a representative I was working with on a customers account in my job. While I have a slight disdain for SBC, I still could separate myself from that to respect the forward thinking and positive that this quote brings about:
"I believe in the future, wire will unite the head offices of telephone
companies in different cities and a man in another part of the country
may communicate by word of mouth with another in a distant place".
~ Alexander Graham Bell, 1876
Love the quotes of inspiration, aspiration, and dreams. Love to look back and see them a reality even if they aren’t perfect as the dreamer wished. It seems it’s that way for most everyone.
I almost felt a glimmer to write a story. I’ve been involved in a story that was generated from the last Love Letter (chapter 20; The Masquerade Lingers). Someone wrote me a story paralleling my own. So now this love letter as it were, has evolved into a writing project of two folks writing this side story. How neat is that? I was reading the story sent to me again today and I felt a little desire to write the piece, but no more than a little. It seems my muse is being rather quiet these days. Maybe it’s just because of the overwhelming rush of positivity I’ve been immersed in lately. Hopefully… I do have a rather good story to write back in mind, but I just can’t seem to pen it down.
I hope it’s just something simple (as to why I can’t write) and not that I don’t feel love in my life. Love for me in word is easy to say, express and even sometimes through words…feel. But LOVE as it were to apply to me, the kind of use of the word LOVE that implies relationship and permanence, to me is ONLY had in the real world. This is a realization that might have been obvious to a few, but only struck me recently as a truth for me. You can tell me you love me, and I’ll believe you. I may even agree with you and reciprocate that type of love back to you. But to get the love that is a permanent type of partner like love, you MUST be a real life existence for me. As much as I believe in the mystical, believe in faith, miracles, and dreams, in this arena, it MUST be something I can see, touch, etc.
This doesn’t go for my friends, just for those who would wish to be a partner with me, and on my behalf, it goes for my dream partner. For my friends, it’s the same type of philosophy, but slightly different in that, as long as you’re in my real life by means other than just IM, I can and DO have deep love for you. Friends not born of my online experiences get the gold package of my friendship ;)
I was speaking with someone yesterday when I realized that on days like yesterday, I am glimpsing the person I was before depression. The person that didn’t care what people thought, was happy, could conquer the world, and almost always did what she wanted. If that person becomes a more consistent visitor, then I fear for my time online. When I feel like that “person” I am more energetic, more driven, more creative, and less desiring to just sit around on the computer. If that “person” returns to my existence permanently, then my time online will be compromised. And that means the things I’ve done while they’ll continue will be in a modified form. Memories will be more prominent, and time spent in game will be less. I’m not ready for this yet. I think that’s where I’m at right now; somewhere in between these two,
Course all of this could be a pile of shit too: P (Caffeine induced ramblings by a too awake mind :P)
Wow, I started this at 8am and its 10am lol. Maybe I’ll just close this now and leave well enough alone.
*hugs to all *
XO ~S
No comments:
Post a Comment