Year End Review; VERY LONG post

From My Home to Yours

“There are times to cultivate and create, when you nurture your world and give birth to new ideas and ventures. There are times of flourishing and abundance, when life feels in full bloom, energized and expanding. And there are times of fruition, when things come to an end. They have reached their climax and must be harvested before they begin to fade. And finally of course, there are times that are cold, and cutting and empty, times when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream. Those rhythms in life are natural events. They weave into one another as day follows night, bringing, not messages of hope and fear, but messages of how things are.” ~Chogyam Trungpa

“May today mark the beginning of many new joys and accomplishments... and a continuation of all of the good things that you have already achieved.”

“Remember today, for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Looking Back - The year in review

It's time for the year end review. I went back and re-read last years "Year End review" post and I see a lot of similarities in that writing to this writing. When I think back on this year, there were so many things I wanted to accomplish. So many of them I did NOT accomplish, but luckily, I was able to accomplish a few.

One of the first things I remember about my year end post last year was that I wanted to aspire to have a blog that centered on the real life of this "muse", but not so much the darkness. That is not an acknowledgement of it's existence but more a reflection on the light side that inevitably tags along with the dark side. I think short of a few times when darkness was just too overwheliming, I have provided a place where I can come back and reflect on my life with a small smile. I acknowledge and accept the darkness that carries me away with the tide, but embrace the light that always brings me back to the shore too.

Had I known when I was writing my year end review last year that in just 7 short months my life would be literally catapulted into a nightmare that I would never be able to fully comprehend, I might have tried harder to do the things I wanted to do daily. Things such as meditiation, spiritual grounding, and tending to my heart's wounds and loving myself more fully. Hindsight is great in retrospect though, isn't it? I have had cancer. I have survived cancer. I have a deeper understanding of the illness that plagues so many even terminally so and through the eyes of cancer, I have come to a deeper wisdom about the compassion we must share with people despite and maybe BECAUSE OF our own issues. I hope this lesson in particular that has been burned into my heart through Jessie and my own suffering continues to remind me that always my issues while they may FEEL paramount, are relatively large only because they are my own. There are many others out there suffering and some of those even do great things through their suffering. My attempt to accept, love, share and give hope is just a small attempt to heal people one at a time. It's like that map that shows you how much light is used around the world... Each of those lights represents a person and every person is shining their light, yet 3/4 of the world is still dark or very dim. We all have to do our part to do better at shining for someone else or with many others.

In the love department I am still lacking in so many ways. I try hard every day to remember that while the possibility of a life not shared with a partner exists for me, that even if this is the case, I have a partner in myself. It's a hard thing to remember and it's remembered kind of like when you have to take horrible tasting medicine. You have to FORCE the reminder down and even then sometimes it doesn't stick.

I have published four books this year. They were self published and they were small in the whole scheme of things, but *I* did it. My name is in print and the words on each of the pages is from my heart. I can think of no greater accomplishment than that of the written word for us as a whole, and for me as a person the words of my heart were seen. This makes me smile.

I have made a contribution that I feel is spectacular. After 4 years of growing my hair (mostly not cutting it due to funds and such), i finally got it cut. I remember when i resigned myself to having cancer that I promised if I had to have chemo and would lose my hair I would donate it to Locks of Love. While some may say this was admirable, the truly admirable thing to do was to promise that if I survived cancer I STILL would do this because someone out there needed it. Two days ago, I cut 10 inches off my hair and donated it to locks of Love. I was never more proud of myself then when I did that. My hair is much shorter than I planned on, but it doesn't matter. It was for the best cause I can think of. I promised I would do this, and when I didn't have to keep that promise, no one would have monitored it... I still did. And it felt GOOD. I've committed myself to letting my hair grow long again and then cutting it again so that my small contribution can continually be felt somewhere for someone very special.

These are a few of the things that stand out. There are so many others. There were some dark times, some light times, lots of tears, deep hugs, heartfelt love, genuine friendship, and even some wine ;) Overall looking back on this year, I can say i've been truly blessed. I've been blessed to have a few people read this blog and understand what I go through. I've been blessed by rekindling of friendship, new friendships and the gift of hope inspired upon me by so many. I've been able to open myself to the needs of others in small ways, and thus reacquire the vision that sometimes gets lost when you get mired down in life; the vision of hope. But there is so much more to be done. There are still so many who walk around lost in their hearts. There are entire countries who live in poverty and so much strife throughout the world still exists. I cannot take those away. I truly wish I could even if it meant death to bear all those burdens. because if I can do that for people, then others might see and do the same. But I can't. Sometimes I feel so helpless in it all, but... and this is important. I have HOPE, and that is paramount.

Because after all is said and done. After all the tears have been shed, all the dreams dashed, lies told, friendships lost, I've still come away in a win situation, because I have hope & because I have my dreams. In the movie The Never Ending Story, one person's dream saved the whole world. It created the hope that so many rested upon. So at the end of this year, I look back and am grateful for the hopes and dreams that so far, nothing has dashed into oblivion.

Hopes & Dreams, they are what my heart rests comfortably in now. They will carry me as well as you into a future where one by one we can change the world if you allow yourself to have the power to do so. Going forward, I will try to use that vision that gift given to me, and bestow it on others in a much bigger way. I am just one person, but my hope and my dream is so much bigger than just me. That is the lesson I've learned this year and it's a lesson I'll never forget.

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Going Forward - Aspirations for my future

Going forward, I have again as I did last year decided that I will "aspire" to reach certain goals. I do not make resolutions, I feel that they are more easily broken where as aspirations are pliable, moving with the ebb and flow of life and allowing you to still feel accomplishment with no guilt if not 100% completed.

So here's the partial list:

I aspire to continue to lose weight. To understand that my body bears the scars of my life both phsycially and emotionally. And that it is time to welcome my body back unto me with open arms.

I aspire to be a less emotional person particularly in game where people who can and are often jerks, alsways seem to make me cry when they do not care for others. On the same lines I will continue to accept people into my heart without letting them into my sanctuary so that I always have the place I know of safety where I can be grounded and full again so I can continue to give to others.

I aspire to get involved with some cancer charity or organization and make a contribution of whatever I can do, to help people who discover this disease taking permanent residence in their body, get through the time they have it and get back to living.

I aspire to read more.

I aspire to remember everyday especially when life has me down as it often does, that I am special just as much as I tell everyone else they are. That I was put on this world for a reason and while that reason escapes me many times, it is there and I need only look in the mirror to understand it's significance.

I aspire to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself I love myself and accept my body as it is, and as it will be while it's changing.

I aspire to read other people's blogs more and comment more. I cannot tell you how it feels to see comments on your words. And along these lines I aspire to let these people even total strangers know that they are a blessing to me everyday.

I aspire to find fulfillment not only in the things I want, but in the things I have already. To remember that while I can keep moving in the stream of life sometimes it's nice to just sit by the side and enjoy the fruits of my labor no matter how meager.

I aspire to be a better friend to those in my sanctuary. To be more attentive to their needs and helping to keep their souls aligned and grounded when they need it.

I aspire to love someone this year as a partner. To write more about the love I want, hope for and seek it in the right places without settling for less than I know to be what I need.

I aspire to put some of my demons to rest. To feed my soul so my heart can mend where it is torn.

I aspire to Light More Candles. I know they're small, I know most don't even see them, but I know that it makes my heart warm to do this. And in a cold world where trust, love and friendship is a commodity, they are all I have some days. And they are worth my time as are the people I offer them to.

and finally I aspire to be thankful everyday even in quiet prayer or just by saying a name in acknowledgement, for the people in my life who have made such a huge difference to me.

And in the words of the character known as Valerie in the movie V for Vendetta:

I hope that the world turns and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you or kiss you... I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

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And Remember:

A dream is the only real reality in life because it belongs to you. An imagination develops both the aspects of the dream and also gives you the motivation to make your dreams a reality. Remember to always give more than you take in life, and never stop dreaming.

A Christmas Day Sunrise

6:38am The world is fast asleep and it's so dark out, all I can get is the streetlamp outside my house.

Soon the nighttime light filters in gently allowing me to show the world asleep and peaceful on this Christmas day

As the world slowly wakes up, fog blankets everything turning my colors to red.

Daylight approaches bringing with it soft hues of purple & blue, even through the fog.

Lighter still, I sit in quiet contemplation of a Christmas full of color... & no snow.

The first traffic I've seen this morning, eager to get to where they're going sits patiently. I hope they see the sunrise as I see it. It is peaceful and lovely.

And this the last shot, even through the fog the day has been awaken, the morning heralded not by noise but by a quiet Christmas peace.

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"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind."~Calvin Coolidge

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."~Bobby (age 7)

“There is a fundamental difference between feeling lonely and being alone. To be alone is literally to be all one--to experience the Oneness of all things. Lonely is an emotional state that can often be transcended by reaching beyond ourselves in loving service to others.”~Ric Beattie

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This morning I was given a gift of sunrise. I woke up bleary eyed and stumbled about my house for a bit as only someone with too little sleep can do. I decided purely on the chance of sitting outside in quiet, to sit and watch the sunrise. What I didn't know was that a world of cloaked beauty awaited me.

Some people do not like fog. I do. To me it's almost magical in that it makes everything look fragile, hidden, and beautiful. Sitting there with only the rabbits outside my apartment (lovingly nicknamed: George, Gracie, Cousin Flo, and Bob) I tried really hard to feel surprising enlightenment come upon me. They say seeing a sunrise can bring so many thoughts & awarenesses to mind.

This morning I had no enlightenment, just a sort of peace that blanketed me. It began to make me thinking of my year end review post and a bit like the movie "Bridgete Jones Diary", I began to compose.

1. No partner in my life

2. Cancer

3, Survival of said cancer

I dont list these things with any upset, just calmly I heard these three things recited in my mind. There are so many other things that will fall into that list, but this morning I remembered with perfect clarity how I felt last night when I realized that empty space in my heart & womb was still... well, empty.

One of the things I love about myself is that when I get terribly sad or feel the threat of depression looming, I begin to think of others. It's the only way I know how to remove the grips of darkness no matter how lightly they may grip me. So last night I called people. I wished people a Merry Christmas and offered hope that their evening was full of warmth and love as the holiday should bring. Surprisingly to me, I actually felt these feelings raidate outward from my heart with the very first call, and speed on their way to those I spoke to. It made me feel good to feel that warmth and to give it to others. And so the cycle of sadness I find myself gripped with when I have myopic vision was dispelled.

When I finished my calls last night, I thought of all the people who have touched my lives in any way and sent a prayer to them as well for peace and love. Then surprisingly, I went straight to bed. When I awoke this morning, I was given the gift of a beautiful morning, exactly as I like to see it. I like to think that this was some sort of gift back to me. A gift to everyone really, which is why I've shared the images with you.

To those I didn't call last night, you were on my heart regardless of being on my phone. To those I DID call, know that with all the ache I felt in my heart I wanted nothing more than to tell you that the best gift of all everyday, let alone this holiday for me, is you. Because you brought me back to my center just by being you. I will toast to you all today, hoping that today is just as special as the next for you, because you deserve it.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

Have a Merry Christmas.

xoxo

Muse

*Today's Daily inspiration is wonderful for the season. Check it out here; Sparkling Stillness*

The Day Before Christmas (a poem)

Reposted from last year in the spirit of the season :)

Have a wonderful, warm, merry, happy Christmas

XOXO

A Muse's Christmas Wish
1 day before Christmas and all through the house
not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
the muse was alone with her laptop and TV
while visions of poetry and love did she breathe

On Saturday she lit all her candles and prayed
"Santa i stopped believing long ago,
it seems like forever and a day"
quietly whispering in the hopes she would be heard
her prayer offered up softly, every single word

"but this season dear Santa as I spend it alone
I pray and I wish for a love all my own
I don't know what I have to possibly offer
But I'll do my best and together we'll prosper

If someone would just look at the heart that is me
They will know true love and forever be free
So this season dear Santa while the wind outside screams
I implore you to please give me the love of my dreams"

with that she closed her eyes full of intent
knowing her heart's message swiftly was sent
cookies and milk she laid out in tradition
and went back to writing with earnest fruition

but quietly in the back of this gentle muses mind,
she still hopes and prays for guidance divine...

~*~

The message of this poem is abundantly clear
Listen with your heart for you will hold it dear
Quite simply...remember no matter the age
traditions and fairy tales exist to this day
who knows whether or not you will enjoy fun new toys
but share love this season and you WILL know joy...

©SKW

12-22; Twas two days before Christmas...

Before you were conceived I wanted you

Before you were born I loved you

Before you were here an hour I would die for you

This is the miracle of life.

~Maureen Hawkins

~*~

A long time ago in the year of 19XX, the world heralded the birth of a very special woman. Just two days before Christmas, a special gift was delivered. She was born with bright eyes and curly hair. Her dimples could light up an entire room. And to one very special woman (my grandmother), this child was everything.

She was raised with values and integrity along with passion. She learned to love deeply, understand truth, and be angry at injustices even to her own family. She knew as long ago as I can remember that she wanted to teach others and so it was that she worked hard to become a teacher.For years she taught many students. She was part counselor in some cases, educator in most and friend to almost all she worked with. She worked in a system full of statistics, routine, and regulations trying hard to impart upon the young in the world the lessons needed to arm them to survive.

Throughout her life, this young bright eyed child loved more than anything and so when in her adult years opportunity showed the way, she chose to love two children she was given through adoption. She became that which she had wanted the very second she saw the eyes of those two children; a mother. She nurtured and loved these two children who loved her right back each in their own unique special way.

She has been through the death of her own mother, the loss of her brother, the passing of one of her children and still today while life goes on, she smiles and loves.

Today is a day of celebration for a very special person in my life, my mother. On this day especially now more than ever I am reminded of the beauty of a mother's love. I'm reminded that it is timeless, stronger than any material the world could supply, and never failing. We've been through arguements, fears, journeys that have made us stronger, and joy. The love I have for my mother permeates everything, EVEN the arguements and it rests comfortably among our hearts like a permanent blanket of warmth wraps your soul in.

I KNOW for a fact, without her I would not be who I am today.

But even more than that, this mother of mine, this "person" who loves above all else is my friend. And in her friendship even when all else has failed, I have known safety, comfort and love.

Happy Birthday Mom. I send out many prayers today and everyday in thanks for your love, and right now at this moment, I send tears of happiness too. That they carry the stories of our heart that we've shared over the years. That they show you that I know, that even with no money, no security, and a recent cancer scare in my life, that because of you in SO many ways, some I may not even be aware of; I am alive.

You are everything to me.

XOXOXO

Hospitals & CT Scans & Warmth... oh ... my

Today I go to the hospital for a CT scan that will hopefully tell the doctors why i've had a fever for so long. They think it's probably due to an absess in my healed incision, (underneath it rather), that is giving me grief. Last night I had to drink 32oz of Barium. It's what the docs call "Contrast" in that it literally makes all my organs glow. This is so they can see any absesses clearly on the scans. Once they see an absess, they can determine how big it is and what should happen next. Either they'll do an outpatient drain which may or may not mean I would have some type of mechanism at home as well, or if it's really bad (and they do not think it is, and I'm hoping it's not this bad) they would admit me to the hospital. In fact, they are having me register tomorrow as a patient as a precautionary measure.

All this is scary...even tempered with the doctors thoughts that it's just a pocket of infection. And because of my fear, I've been a wreck today. This whole ordeal has me unnerved and things that I didn't deal with in regards to the entire surgery/cancer/process that I've gone through surfaced. I reflected on how I can't believe I had cancer. Or how I can't believe I survived thus far unmarred. Or how I can't believe it's gone (not disbelief mind you, but awe over the miracles of modern science...).

It's so easy to forget those things. Those very important things.

My hope tomorrow, is that I am not admitted to the hospital. I do not want to spend ANY holiday in the hospital let alone Christmas. When I thought of this today, I remembered Jessie. She went into the hospital near Christmas time in 2003. In March of 2004 she was released, but then in June of that same year she passed away.

I think about her a lot as I'm sure you all know. Her whole journey around this time was very difficult and I can only imagine even having experienced some of it in a small way through her, how she must have felt. And now while going through my own journey with respect to this, I still can't imagine what she went through, spending so much time in the hospital; but I do understand more.

Last night when I couldn't sleep, I said a few words to Jessie. I told her how wonderful Mark has been in helping me, being a shoulder for me when I needed to spill the most intimate details of my fears, misgivings and sharing with me my joys. I thanked her for being in my life and letting a relationship grow so strong between all of us, that even now years later it's just as strong as it were when she were alive to cultivate it. I pondered how she slept at night with this fear gnawing at her, or wondered if she ever had paranoia as I do about the smallest things.

I shared with her the fact that when the doctor's office called on Monday with no reason, that my heart literally jumped into my throat and I had flashbacks to the day I was told over the phone that I had cancer. I wondered if that fear will ever go away or just be numbed by time.

But most of all I reflected on how I didn't want to spend a holiday in the hospital and told her that in some small way I understood how she felt (NOTE: I am not demeaning her pain or experiences, just saying that on a small level, I understand more than I did before).

Now, I'm sitting here, typing away when I hadn't thought I had a single word to say. What I'm going to go through tomorrow is not terror filling as I would imagine Chemo to be or Radiation, but it is scary nonetheless. I feel calmer than I have in days and I like to think that my words shared with jessie were helpful in some way. In fact, I know they were because at some point tonight, sleep crept up on me and hugged me tightly, warmly, and accepted me in it's embrace. It wasn't the sleep of fear, but the sleep of gentle rest. Along with it came a feeling of calm and that's what I needed. I can only imagine how Jessie felt with her fears and what she was going through. But I know that I couldn't do this without her whispering at my ear, visiting me in my dreams and sending just the right people at just the right times, with just the right things to say to my side.

If my muse ever returns to me, I do have stories of things I've dreamt, letters i've composed and filed away under "incomplete" and short poems that I would share. But for now my muse remains silent under the weight of stress and daily life. She shares a silent cubicle with my voice who no longer sings (for many reasons) and together they work with my newly acquired coworker "Forced Menopause" who makes their silent life a living hell in the form of roller coaster emotion rides, sweats, and paranoia. But on occasion when I can finally empty out the negativity that wells up inside me, either through words to Jessie, conversations with Mark or various expressions with other people, the light shines through in the dark office building known as both my body and sometimes my heart.

Tonight, the light is soft, warm and inviting. And so I wanted to share that with you before sleep begged me to bed to give me dreams of a place I wish to be, with people I wish to be with, where there is no pain and no fear. I embrace sleep tonight, and as I do I find my thoughts turned to the readers of my blog. Even if you've stumbled upon this blog for the first time, I'm thinking of you too. And so in the fashion with which I *try* to live my life always, I wanted to send you all a wish:

I wish for you to have deep peaceful sleep tonight. I hope that you wake up calm, rejuvenated, able to smile, and ready to face your day. I hope and wish that this will make the start of your day better for you so you can make it better for someone else too. I wish that for all of you.

You are a blessing to me, everyday.

XO

(If I do get admitted updates will be posted here by the one you know as "Mr. Uber". Otherwise I'll post as soon as I'm able to.)

Rough Morning - *PURE RANT; Read at your own risk*

I'm sick to death of being sick. I'm angry at how sick I am. I'mtired of answering the "How are you?" question with, a litany of ailments. And no matter if I do not complain, it doesn't go away. I'm very angry right now.

I've had fevers since 12-8. They've been anywhere from 100 even to as high as 101.8. I've been to the doctor who has looked at my incision (which is healing), and said that there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the incision. I was diagnosed with a viral infection. I returned home, slept and woke up coughing and sneezing. AHA! Mystery solved, I have a cold. Friday last week I was off work AGAIN recuperating. This weekend I did go out but I was careful.

Then I get a call yesterday from the doctor. One of the final tests they made me take came back and showed that I have a colony of strep bacteria of something like that. I'm to be on antibiotics immediately.

Strep??? My god?! Ok so I realize it's not the end all of things I oculd go through right now, but it's certainly not a good thing!

Then I talk to the nurse this morning who informs me as humbly as possible (because she is well versed on my situation financially) that I absolutely without question MUST get a CT scan now. Despite the diagnosis of strep bacteria in my body (no I'm not contagious, I asked this morning), something is STILL wrong.

They think that there is a packet of infection under my healed scar. IF i have a CT scan and if they find a packet, it must be drained. Thankfully it's an outpatient procedure, but (and I dont know all the details yet) I will need MORE time off. I'll need at least one day for the blood workup and the CT scan, and I'll need at least one day for this outpatient procedure and if I have to continue to wear a drain of some sort (gross), I may need more days.

On top of that, now I'm afraid that something is really wrong. Cancer patients are more susceptible to illnesses due to a weakened immune system. Maybe I'm just jumping on the paranoia wagon here, but it seems I've been awfully sick lately.

I've already lost enough time as it is, I have no insurance and quite frankly if I have to ask for MORE time off, I'm not sure I'll have a job come the first of the year (which is really bad since no one has responded to my sent resumes).

I think I've done pretty good avoiding a rant post in a long time. I am sorry for this one today but I feel like talking to certain people locally is pointless because no matter what I say, what I feel is managed like you would talk to a child. I feel like no matter how I feel I'm told I'm feeling it wrong, or too much. Instead of listening, I get arguements. And I'm tired of those too, I'm tired of it all.

And for my own sake, I'll just note here that the nurse said she was surprised I was even working with my fevers. THERE! She said it, I didn't make it up, SHE said it. I'm NOT crazy, I'm NOT hallucinating these things, I'm NOT trying to avoid work, I dont want to lie about my fevers just to make people feel better. I'M SICK.

I might post later, for now accept my apology please...

Monday blah blah ;)

“Every day is a choice--between that which expands and that which contracts us; between growth and stasis. The rebirth symbolized by Christmas time represents that in us which is always changing and expanding into the new! Embrace it! Let the excitement of Christmas grow you into the self you were always meant to be!”~Greg Barrette

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Happy monday everyone :)

I am finally feeling better again, and no fevers! I'm getting ready as we speak to head off into the world of telecommunications, businesses who have bad priorities, and people who look at you with zero sincerity even as they say to your face "I hope you're feeling better." Cynical? Me? :P

I have to say, I'm at a bit of a loss this season. My pay will be short, my job will be boring, and I will be miserable in it.

But, I am not completely without light. I have good friends, good company that I see, and hope that even though all of the mentioned will be true (the bad things of my job) that I will still be able to smile because I do get joy from other sources. I just wish I could include the frustrated love of my job into that mix too.

I don't really have much more to say than that, so I'll leave you all with a BIG hug and kiss for today. As my friend Mrs. Virgo says "Make it a great day".

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DAILY INSPIRATION

http://digitalsouponline.blogspot.com

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WELL WISHES

Have a wonderful Monday; stay warm, and well among your friends :)

You are a blessing to me everday

Xo

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AND REMEMBER
“Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I - I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”~Robert Frost
"The Road Not Taken"

The house on the street of "No Name" -My Poetry Thursday contribution

On the street of No Name
A broken house sits
Once it was a place of haphazard living
Now it is a place of emptiness

Reflecting on the past
The haunting image fills my mind
A smokey haze wafts through my thoughts
And there my fears rest

I am filled with the void of unanswered questions
Left open to the demons of my past
Yet still curiously peeking in the windows
Of the house on the street of No Name

Maybe someday, the name will return
Maybe perhaps it shouldn’t
Maybe today I’ll let the smokey haze continue, ignored
And instead regale myself with stories of the house on Gregory Street.

Maybe

© SKW

7 Pounds lost; sunrise sets in; healing is on its way... :)

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom the emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause and stand wrapped in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed." ~Albert Einstein

Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. ~Helen Keller

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Good news!

I’VE LOST 7 POUNDS IN ONE WEEK! WOOHOO. This means that my total weight loss since before the surgery is 25 pounds!! That’s fabulous! 9-18-06 – 12-14-06, 25 pounds!

Bad news:

I’m sick still. The doctor did a lot of poking around today and told me that she thinks it’s viral. I have to watch my temperature for a few days and if I spike more than once, than I HAVE to have a CT Scan, there just is no way around it. When I got my temperature taken at the doctors office it was lower than it has been in 4 days, so this is a good sign. Pray I do not need a CT Scan, the cost is $800-$1000. But if necessary they will do one. Keep in mind if they DO perform a CT scan and find a pocket of infection they will need to open me up and get rid of it. I don’t know what that involves, but I’d rather not find out.

The thing that sucks in this is that I returned to work last week. Since my return I’ve missed one day last week due to my fall and two days thus far this week, due to my infection. Talk about feeling bad. Not that I have any love for them trust me, but I need income, and I need it now.

So for now, for today I’ll keep in mind the good news, that I’ve lost 7 pounds in one week, 25 pounds in three months and my energy level just keeps getting higher. This makes everything better.

And on a side note, because the appointment was so early this morning, I was blessed to see another lovely sunrise. My only regret was that I wished I had my camera so I could share it all with you. It was a lovely splash of corals, oranges, fire streaks of color and purple on a canvas that was spectacularly breathtaking to behold. I never really ever watched a sunrise before these past few months, so I’m grateful I’ve had the chance at 35 to enjoy what most people see regularly.

Have a wonderful day everyone!

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DAILY INSPIRATIONS

I was going through the archives of Digital Soup Online; the Blog, and found some very insightful things that I had at the time just slapped up there in my attempt to post regularly. You might want to take some time to check them out too, they’re a good read and might even make you smile ;)

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WELL WISHES

Today as I feel a bit more relaxed that at least at this point nothing is wrong inside me, I truly wish and hope to share with you that feeling of relaxation. May you find a moment in your day where time slows down, where the kids don’t scream, and where relaxation gently tugs at you reminding you it’s there to be had.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub. ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

The many ways I love my favorite family in New York

I have known this family for over 3 years now. I am very close with their son (shaun as I refer to him) and am now very close with their mother. I like to thnk I'm in integrated part of their lives and quite often I feel as such when Barbara calls to check on me, chat with me or listen to me. Even in my darkest times, I can reflect on the precious people in my life who haven't even met me, yet love me as much as I love them.

I'm a big stickler for people not spending money on me. I know how hard it is to have or retain money (trust me I do), but I do love gifts. They are a guilty plesaure of mine that I will tell everyone NOT to get me, but will LOVE to yell at them for doing so later on ;)

Gifts do not make up the love, they are not the relationship, they are an extension of it. I love every single thing this family has ever gotten me. To me it represents with absolute clairty the love that people can feel for each other across miles, different lives, tastes and opinions. It's a love born of truth and purity. I am grateful for that love. I am grateful for the shoulders I can call and cry on, the laughter I can share with EVERYONE in the family, not just the son who i met first.

And today when I'm home sick with a fever (I slept until 1pm today!), when I'm woken up by the postman with a package from this wonderful family, not even the temperature, sweats or illness can keep me from smiling.

I love you Barbara, Vinny Shaun & Anna, you make my everyday extraordinary. Thank you so much.

XOXOXOXO

~*~*~*~*~*~

In this picture you can see, the two scarves which are beautiful, the handmade wooden Chopsticks set, the handmade wooden fan which smells like incense, the GORGEOUS wooden box the chopsticks came in, the card, the jewlry, the trinkets and believe me this isn't even the whole picture....

This is a top view of the display of things, you'll note that a dvd found it's way into the package, one of a movie I just LOVE. in fact one of my characters in Guild Wars is named after the boat from this movie "Renovatio" which is Latin for rebirth.

These two pictures are of the beuatiful handmade wooden box that houses the chopsticks set. STUNNING...

These two pictures are of a FABULOUS brown silk (I think) scarf that has gorgeous butterflies on it with light fringe all around. I took two pictures because in one you can see the brown, and in the other while it looks burgundy you can see the butterflies on them.

And this scarf is a feather light, silk of blue and gold. it is just amazing.

And Look! Hershey's dark chocolate kisses that are truffles and the gorgeous angel wooden statue that when opened has several smaller versions of itself throughout... I am STILL grinning like a kid on Christmas.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I wasn't feeling too well when I took these shots, I hope you can see everything :) I love you my favorite New York Family. XO

Love, Love, Love

Thanks to Jules for the above post that I reference in my title. I have to admit, her earlier post Why I Love the holidays Part 2A - Christmas Song, was wonderful. It was simple, poignant, and truthful. The music in it is also very nice. Give it a read, share some love, make someone happy :)


Thanks Jules!
~*~*~*~*~*~

I sit here tonight with a fever. It's somewhere near 100 (I only have one of those really old thermometers and I can't read it that well :P). I talked to the Doctor's nurse on the 12th and she told me if I have a fever I'm to call immediately. So tomorrow morning if I wake with it, I will be calling Loyola and likely visiting them tomorrow instead of being at work... *sigh*

I just want this to be over. I've had enough of the medical whatever, the infection, the blah blah blah. I've lost approximately 20 pounds since the surgery (after all is said and done) and my energy is through the roof. I find that I want to be moving, out and about, doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

I have lived in seclusion for about 3 years or so. Some by choice, some for the last year or so not so by choice (when I started to notice major problems with my body etc). So now, I have no social structure save for a very few close firends nearby. It's weird though, I have all this energy but being out in a group of new people scares me. I have NEVER been like that. Before all the depression set in from my marriage and whatever else, I was always out. I think perhaps I'm returning to that person?

We shall see what I do with all this energy, as soon as I finish this slow healing. I just relaly at this hour at night when sitting alone with my thoughts and Dave Matthews in the background whispering to me, want to get past this illness.

For now, that's all I have tonight. I'll try to post tomorrow unless the doctor's visit doesn't go too well. I hope you all have a wonderful evening. Let the night embrace you and the stars shine lighting the way to the dreams of your heart.

Much love to you all,
Muse

To be held forever close to my heart...

On this day in 1966,

Top News Headlines This Week:
Dec 12 - US Supreme Courts votes 4-3 allowing Braves to move to Atlanta

Top Songs for 1966
We Can Work It Out by Beatles
Monday, Monday by The Mama's & the Papa's
Cherish by Association
I'm a Believer by Monkees
You Can't Hurry Love by Supremes
Summer In the City by Lovin' Spoonful
Wild Thing by Troggs

People born on December 12
1952 - Cathy Rigby McCoy Los Alamitos CA, gymnast (Olympics-4th-1968, 1972)
1915 - Frank Sinatra Hoboken NJ, singer/actor (old blue eyes/chairman of board)
1923 - Bob Barker Darrington WA, game show emcee (Price is Right)
1924 - Edward I Koch New York NY, (Mayor-D-NY, 1977-89)/judge (People's Court)

~*~*~*~*~*~

And somewhere in the small town of Galesburg, Illinois a very special birth was taking place. In a family of 8 children a special little girl named Pamela was born. She had bright eyes and a wonderful laugh. No one knew at the time of her birth that this little child, this beautiful angel would someday aspire to be a mother herself, raising children in her family. No one knew that she would meet someone when she was 8, her new sister, and that she would love her more than anything. No one knew that deep in this little child’s heart all she wanted was to be loved.

Pamela lived a life of joy, and sorrow. She took care of her sister, she tried very hard to learn all that she was taught, and she tried to live in love.

On January 21st, 1991, this little light in the world, this now grown woman of 24 was taken from those who knew and loved her. She had been going to see friends and had suffered an aneurysm while driving. It was a terrible loss in my life. I was so mad that she would be taken, that just when things were getting better in so many ways, that she should be taken. But now, on the day of her 40th Birthday, I reflect back on all the love that her life had been, and how she was so tender at all times in all she did.

Her life had been full of so many joys and so much love. She, like me, loved openly much to her mother’s dismay, as people would hurt her often. She, like me, only wanted to love and be loved. She had a light in her that no darkness or tears could ever steal.

We fought like sisters do, we loved like friends did, and we shared our souls all the way to the end. She may have not been of my blood, but she is definitely a piece of my heart. When I reflect today on her life as it meant to me, I remember her. Her memory that which I honor today is one of beauty. She was a true spirit whose place was not to be in this world of hurt. It was to be in heaven where God/Goddess/Spirit resides to nurture the special little angel who graced my life for 16 wonderful years, born on 12-12-1966, my sister in spirit and heart… Pamela

I miss you. I love you.

Pamela Lynn Wilson
12-12-1966 – 1-21- 1991
May you rest in peace

Monday Horoscope, Monday Blues, Direction

Increasing Spiritual Security
Virgo Daily Horoscope – Monday, December 11, 2006

You may experience a high level of sensitivity to your surroundings today, which could make you more susceptible to feelings of anxiety, anger, or depression from others. Understandably, this may make you feel vulnerable and exposed, especially while in the midst of volatile circumstances. One good way to overcome your sense of vulnerability is to strengthen your perception of a buffer zone between yourself and others today. In meditation, turn your attention inward toward your spiritual center and connect to your inner light. See this light growing larger and larger, filling you from within and radiating out to surround you with a shield of energy. See this shield effortlessly bouncing negativity away from you, infusing you with a sense of strength and peace, and allowing you to be unaffected by tense situations.

Increasing our sense of spiritual safety and security allows us to navigate through tense situations calmly and smoothly. While it is natural to be affected by the quality of our surroundings, we also have the ability to resist internalizing the things that happen around us. If we reinforce our belief that negativity cannot invade our thoughts and emotions, we automatically increase our ability to disassociate ourselves from tension and stress. We are instead able to remain calm, peaceful, and centered, regardless of the circumstances in which we may find ourselves. By focusing on building a sense of inner security and peacefulness today, you will find yourself feeling strong and positive in any setting.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Never was there a more true statement than this: “You may experience a high level of sensitivity to your surroundings today, which could make you more susceptible to feelings of anxiety, anger, or depression from others”

I have always felt deeply. In reading books, I can literally feel without even knowing someone personally, the emotions that the author (if a well crafted story) intends for one to feel. It’s the same in actions online, or offline.

When I ponder what it is I’m to do in this world (funny I still wonder that at 35), the various things I have even a remote interest in do not ring true. But being open to others, loving, helping rings true.

It has it’s downside too, in that too many people walk around with too much fear and hurt and as a result I get hurt more often than I care to. While this hurt is the same everyone feels on an ongoing basis, sometimes the amount of hurt can be deeply overwhelming to me.

It’s times like this that I like to sit out on my balcony late at night while the world is sleeping. It doesn’t provide miracle answers, or solutions to current events, but it gives me pause. It gives me time to breathe. Sometimes, the hardest thing for me to remember, especially when it’s particularly painful, is just to breathe.

Today is Monday, and I will go to my job. I will work for someone else in the hope that something else comes along. I will do my daily routine, and I will go on to the next thing that I’m supposed to do without fear. But today after spending a whole weekend in a world of hurt, I will do it with a little bit of hesitation. Not enough to stop me mind you, but enough to hopefully afford me the opportunity to make sure my barrier, the weak wall of resistance that I must strengthen is at least in place again.

And until the next step becomes clear, this is all I can do.

~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION

I have no idea how they do it, but everyday the DailyOm is very close to home for me. Today’s is no different: Getting back to Wellness. Check it out.

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

I hope you all have a good day. I hope sincerely that even if you’re in a path like me while you wait for your next step that you can find something to at least help you breathe if not help you smile just a little bit more today.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever... ~Isak Dinesen

Friday brightness, blessings, and joy

Sometimes when we're scared, all we want to do is hide from the world. But when we do this, our fears just get bigger. Isolation doesn't nurture recovery. Stay connected to people in simple ways; go to the mall, make light conversation with someone in a coffee shop, take a class or attend a free lecture at a bookstore. Come out of your shel so the world can show you love and how much you deserve happines..

When you are alone you are all you own. ~ Leonardo DaVinci
Borrowed from Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul; Daily Inspirations (A gift given to me by Shaun for my birthday this year. Thank you Shaun!)

~*~*~*~*~*~

Today is Friday. I still have the same eager excitement for this day that I used to have way back when I was in high School. Friday meant dates, friends, staying up late, no homework, etc. It still holds true now in some respects.

As much as I am hurt by recent events, I cannot let them keep me from expressing myself. Throughout the day I go through any number of emotions directed by the daily events that occur to or around me. This morning I am excited for the day, warmed by the sun, chilled by the weather, and looking forward to staying up late tonight. I hope that the day bears with it the marks of a good day for the rest of the day. Who knows, maybe tonght I'll go out to Borders and read a bit. Maybe I'll stay home and make some more Cards, or maybe I'll just re-discover as I do everyday the friendships that ARE consistent, permanent and soul nourishing. Maybe those will help me forget the friendship lost.

I have a story I want to write about, my even as my muse shows me inspiration in the form of ideas to write, she leaves me waiting for the rest of the inspiration in the form of sentences. Maybe tonight after a day of smiles and accomplishments she'll even visit me and I can write about the love I wish I had in my life, or the dreams I've had last night (that were good believe it or not).

Oh and as an update to my doctors visit yesterday, I've lost another 5 pounds (18 pounds since 9-18-06 in total YAY!), the incision is VERY tiny now, and I'm still fighting a small infection but it is small and will go away :) My next visit is for my first cancer testing (biopsy) and follow up with the doctor in January. This is VERY good news. :)

Most of you have already started your day. Perhaps you've been at work for a few hours already or tending to family and children since the wee hours of the morning, but right now I'm starting my day. I'm starting it with a smile and hope that the day heralds all the joy of life.

May the day be precious, bright and beautiful for all.

(Thanks AG for our conversation yesterday, I have missed talking with you so very much. *hug*)

~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATIONS

I've been lucky in finding quite a few meaningful insights lately. They ring true for what I'm going through particularly. Because they are long, they are permanently housed on Digital Soup Online; the Blog. I hope you enjoy them and get as much use out of them as I do. :)

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WELL WISHES

Today I wish that the sun shines brightly in all you do. I hope the smile that tugs at your face remains there a permanent fixture, a reminder even of the joy in your heart. Een in your darkest times, that joy is there just waiting to be re-dicovered.

You are a blessing to me everyday (truly you are)

Xo
Muse

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

There is no failure except in no longer trying. ~Elbert Hubbard
(And so today, I try :)

Muse Meme

In lieu of posting anything today that would come off as dark or depressive, I posted in Digital Soup Online; the Blog (some really nice inspirations, that made me feel better), and I thought I’d post this. I think I really like these quizzes. Here is some insight into the muse. Thanks to Sacred Suzy for this meme.

[ RED ]
1. Closest red thing to you? Red pen on my desk.
2. Has anyone ever cheated on you in a relationship? Yes
3. Last thing to make you angry? Someone who lied to my face
4. Are you a fan of romance? Yes, though I never thought I used to be.
5. Have you ever been in love? I wonder if I have been. I like to think I have been but I’m so confused about love now I don’t know
6. Do you have a temper? Yes, if wounded deeply enough I can get very angry.

[ GREEN ]
1. Closest green thing to you? Nothing that I can see
2. Do you care about the environment? Yes.
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now? Not at this moment
4. Are you a lucky person? I do not think I am.
5. Do you always want what you can't have? I think so
6. Are you Irish? A little bit through adoption I think ;)

[ PURPLE ]
1. Last purple thing you saw? The color of the tabard of my guild in the game Guild Wars Guild name: SKYE.
2. Like being treated to expensive things? I would LOVE expensive things but ONLY if they came without the guilt that purchasing an expensive thing on a tight budget gives.
3. Do you like mysterious things? Yes.
4. Favorite type of chocolate? Dark Chocolate
5. Ever met any royalty? I do not think so.
6. Are you creative? Without question, YES.
7. Are you lonely? I am lonely, for romantic, consistent, permanent partner type relationship. I have a lot of friends and a whole host of online people who I think like to hear me, talk to me and grow with me, but I am lonely for a partner to share my life with.

[ BLUE ]
1. Closest blue thing to you? The blue packaging on a box of binder clips
2. Are you good at calming people down? I like to think so.
3. Do you like the ocean? I do, though I do not know that I would like to live near one. Maybe 15 miles from one.
4. What was the last thing that made you cry? Someone’s lies.
5. Are you a logical thinker? Sometimes.
6. Can you sleep easily? Sometimes
7. Do you prefer the beach or the woods? The woods, but without the bugs :P

[ YELLOW ]
1. Closest yellow thing to you? The picture of a sunflower on the cover of a book I’m reading called “The Invitation” By Oriah.
2. The happiest time(s) of your life? When I was slimmer and more confident (age 22).
3. Favorite holiday? Yule (Christmas) though I do not celebrate it anymore, strange eh?
4. Are you a coward? I detest confrontation, but I will not take a backseat to truth even if it means confrontation.
5. Do you burn or tan? I stay out of the sun.
6. Do you want children? I can’t have any.
7. What makes you happy? Seeing the light turn on in someone’s eyes, feeling cherished, feeling loved, showing others they can be loved just by being them.

[ PINK ]
1. Closest pink thing to you? My diet Snapple Cranberry Raspberry (actually more like light see through burgundy but it’s the only thing pink near me!
2. Do you like sweet things? Yes.
3. Like play-fighting? No.
4. Are you sensitive? Yes.
5. Do you like punk music? Depends on my mood.
6. What is your favorite flower? I love a ton of flowers, but for this quiz I’ll have to go with the tried and true Tiger Lily, because they flourish in the hardest places to grow things in.
7. Does someone have a crush on you? I do not think so.

[ ORANGE ]
1. Closest orange thing to you? Orange highlighter on my desk.
2. Do you like to burn things? Candles. Essential oils, incense.
3. Dress up for Halloween? The kid in me would love to even at the age of 35, but sadly the last time I dressed up was about 11 years ago.
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? Yes
5. Do you prefer the single life or the security of a relationship? I like the space of a single life, and the not having to take care of another, but I would love a relationship. However, I do not solely want a relationship for security, though I have to admit that’s a desirable trait too.
6. What would your super power be? To be able to mend hearts so people would be kinder to each other and would help heal many people just by my helping them.

[ WHITE ]
1. Closest white thing to you? The papers containing the orders I’m currently working on at the office.
2. Would you say you're innocent? No. But I am naive.
3. Always try to keep the peace? I try, but fail a lot too.
4. How do you imagine your wedding? A moment in time where EVERYONE nearby feels and KNOWS love
5. Do you like to play in the snow? YES!
6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist? No so much the doctors (surprisingly because the last time I went I was diagnosed with cancer). I do have an extreme fear of the dentist. I think it’s the noise the drill makes.

[ BLACK ]
1. Closest black thing to you? My computer monitor.
2. Ever enjoy hurting people? I have never enjoyed hurting others, though I admit when I’m angry and someone has hurt me if I’m pushed hard, I do enjoy my sharp tongue.
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? Both.
4. Do you have a lot of secrets? I have plenty.
5. What is your favorite color(s)? Green, Gold, Silver, Black.
6. Does the color you wear affect your mood ? Not so much.

Lies, Deceit & the sound of trust being shattered...

I have always allowed fun to be a part of my everyday. Laugh at just about anything, try hard to not take everything so seriously (even though I sometimes fail at this). But there are a few things that I hold most sacred.

1. Marriage

2. Honesty

Among the few I have, those are the top.

I will never understand why it is that people are more comfortable lying than telling the truth? I debated about even posting this post tonight because it's so raw right now... but this is MY journal and MY place to be honest even in public.

I am hurt tonight. Deeply hurt. I trusted someone, I trusted many and now that person joins the ranks of those people who's stories of lies remain tucked away in my library. The binding of their books dusty but well read nonetheless. Their stories and their involvement with me revisited a hundred times in an effort to understand.

It's one thing to use the online world to lie to people. Many apparently do it with no attack of conscience. But to lie to someone's face?

I had mistakenly thought that my sheild of "Cancer" would hold the liars at bay for a short time while I got my feet back under me but I was apparently delusional.

I will be taking a break for a while. Could be a day could be longer, I dont know. For now, I need to really examine how much of myself I give to total strangers, even those who wear the guise of a friend; because short of the wonderful few (you know who you are), the world online and at large is mainly comprised of liars.

And yes, I know the world is like this, it's why whenever I see someone hurt another that I simply... cry.

It sucks, and tonight it hurts but maybe tomorrow will be better.

Tonight it really hurts to have uncovered this web of lies.

Blah, Blah, & clarity

I had no clue what I wanted to post today. I even wrote out an entire post and deleted it before I posted it. There are so many things going on in life for me right now, for all of us I suppose... and while I write them out as they come,sometimes it's just best to let some of them fall by the wayside. I really wanted to post something today however, and nothing I wrote fit what I was feeling. Then today, I caught a glimpse of a prior post that just "FELT" right. I'm reposting it today because no matter what Ive got going on right now, I remembered just by reading this how I felt that night and you know what? That, FEELING is what mattered...

You are a blessing to me today, everyone of you, and while I feel like this, I FEEL all of you :)

Enjoy

~*~*~*~*~*~

(I ask a favor when you read this. Clear your desk of whatever clutter is around you. Close your chat windows, hang up your phones. Take a moment before you read this and breathe deep... Put on some soft music if you must, but take a moment and set the tone for something different. If you absolutely cannot do that, then at least read this thinking of they way it is I do things... Set your mind to run on a differnt track for a little bit and really read with your heart. This is raw, unedited and directly from my inspiration AS IT was given to me. Some of you may scoff and while that stings, it's ok, I understand. But for even just one of you to be able to really read this and see like I did... well that's the magic. I hope it touches you like it did to me tonight and I hope my sharing with you causes you to want to pass it on. This will remain up through Monday. Enjoy....)

In some moments we are afforded a vision, the clearest insight that shows us truth. Sometimes it's people, places, or sometimes just a feeling. but they're there. If we listen.

I have no clue what my purpose is, but I know I touch people. I know this because everyone affects each other. In my life I know this clearly, from a few special souls. And then when I forget again, I know this because a song sweeps my heart away. And then when I forget, a sunset so rich and vibrant such as I've never seen before appears when it is particularly dark, brightening my eyesight and lighting my way. I know this tonight as I sit here having watched a movie that most would call "Feel Good" and pass it off as sentimental, but that had a profound affect on me.

After this movie, with perfect clarity I looked at my houseguest who had no clue what was going on... and suddenly I knew him more than I knew anyone. And all the people I've talked to, or been a part of the life of, or simply shared times with no matter how small, passed before my eyes. And I wondered and understood, at the edge of my ability to do so, how each life touches each other and the other affects the next; and I felt so small, so humble, and so powerful. Rambling on in my mind, in thoughts, I wrote... compelled to do so immediately. Words have failed me many times when trying to "tell" you of this clarity that comes upon us only once in a while. But right now, they're here and they're infused with my spirit... right now.

If you just look with your eyes closed, listen when there is no sound, speak with the language of the soul, and feel the breeze swaying in your heart, you can for a moment hold this vision close, and bliss closer. When you do this breathe deep of the fresh air of inspiration, enjoy the scent... because it will go away.But the beauty of that, is that it WILL return... if you let it.I have a hug to give to my houseguest now. Who will have no clue why I'm doing that, but in a few seconds will let his heart be open and for just a second, a tiny glimmer of what I see will be passed and be waiting for him when and if he ever needs it.THAT is what we do...because THAT is what we're all about.

xo

(read more, see more if you wish) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0400435/

From this blog entry dated: 7-8-06 to you.

Muse

Obstacles & Messages; Today's musings

**In a wonderful idea that DailyOm had, authors are allowed to publish works to be housed in the massive DailyOm Library. These works can be read by all their users (registration is free. FYI). As most of you know I quote from DailyOm quite a bit. It's a wonderful place with good insight and inspiration. Hearing of their new library, I thought what a wonderful opportunity and so I took it. I added the most important message I've ever heard to their library. Now even this muse, Jessie, and the folks of Utopia Skye have a place in the library of DailyOM. Check it out :)**


"You'll encounter many obstacles along the road to living your dreams. Some obstacles may be real, some imagined, some may be tangible, and some may be intangible. Some of those obstacles will be created by others, and some will be self-imposed. However they manifest, you will always be given the choice as to whether you give them power." ~Francine Ward

Quote is taken from page 7 of: Esteemable Acts

~*~

Yesterday i returned to work after two months off. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't productive either. After about 4 hours, I was sitting at my desk like I used to with nothing to do and I had two more hours to go.

But at least it wasn't horrible.

When I got home I had a very short period with which to do anything so what I did was sit and watch TV. I had no desire to do anything.

Which left me alone with my thoughts. (which can be a bad thing).

This morning I don't really have much to post other than I go back to work again today. I have to take one step to get to the next. The only problem is, I dont know where the next step leads, and I have to wonder; Will I step off the edge of a cliff? Or step into someting new?

That is today's musing.

~*~*~*~*~*~
DAILY INSPIRATION

Check out Mind of Clear Sight at Digital Soup Online; The Blog. An interesting read (albeit long) from the Dalai Lama

~*~*~*~*~*~
WELL WISHES

May your fear of the unknown not clench at your throat like sometimes mine does. May your ability to have persistence and patience while waiting for the next step in your journey to come be always at your side. Today, may you be understanding too of those whose paths do not match yours, and may you be compassionate in your dealings with others.

You are a blessing to me everyday my friends.

xo
Muse

~*~*~*~*~*~
AND REMEMBER

I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.--Maya Angelou

Good Morning & Happy Monday; Returning to Work

The world sleeps

The show begins...

So pretty this morning...

The Final Shot before I froze my buns off enough to go back inside ;) Hope you enjoyed the pics!

~*~*~*~*~*

Good Morning, Good People! Peace and all Good! ~Saint Francis of Assisi (1181-1226), Two Greetings (circa 1220)


If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~ Mother Teresa

~*~*~*~*~*~

I go back to work today for the first time after not being there for nearly two months. I know I do not want to go back to this job. Do not think me lazy, it’s not that I do not want to work at all, but that I do not want to go back to THIS job. There are a few reasons, but the biggest one is that I do not have any type of insurance there, and I NEED insurance.

It’s weird to think about going back there. I remember my old routine. I would go in at 7am, open up, do a blog post, start the morning and usually around 7:30 or 8am Crony would be in followed by the rest of the hens. I am part time right now so when I go in potentially everyone may already be in. How do I field questions? When they ask how I am do I do as my mother says and say fine? Even if I may feel sick? Then there is the obvious fear, What if I DO get sick? At home it’s easy, lay down call the doc when I get up or just before I lay down. Now being at work it wont be so easy.

The thing I think I’m dreading the most aside from Crony’s penetrating questions and set ideas that my recovery is taking too long) is the change of priorities. I’ll be in the office and subject to the priorities of the business (that’s called work right?) and I do not want to do that. I do not feel at all aligned with the priorities of the business.

Hopefully that will change soon in the form of a new job but I do not know.

Its like 3 months have been removed from my life. Like a side journey you know? I know it sounds trivial but it to me seems like “Ok, I got cancer, then I have cancer, then the cancer is gone” and now I’m right back where I was before. I still suffer the same perils of job searching as before. Potential employers do not know I’ve had cancer (nor would they). All they’ll see is a large woman with some skills in front of them. Hopefully the skills are enough.

I have decided I wont be going back full time at my current employer again. I’m hoping that even if I do not need to be medically taken care of twice a day, that I can use that morning time to interview. Shady I know, but when else will I do it? It’s not like I can call off a day or a half day?

I treated getting to this day the same way I treated getting to the surgery. Like it was a death of sorts. Isn’t that funny? To know that I think working (maybe just for this employer not generally working) seems like the end of being able to be in the place I want to be in.

Anyway, I return to work today. The Daily Inspiration (found at http://digitalsoup.blogspot.com/) speaks of starting your day right. I’ve gotten up two hours earlier than I need to be and soon will be bundling up to step outside and see the sunrise. I’ve never done that. Given all these fears I have swirling in my head, it seems only fitting that the first task I undertake today is one of peace. Maybe then it will set the tone for the rest of the day, or perhaps change my mindset. Either way its bound to be pretty.

**Update: Pics are up top ;)**

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DAILY INSPIRATION
This section has moved to http://digitalsouponline.blogspot.com/, Check it out!

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WELL WISHES

Start your day off right today. I wish for you to see a beautiful sunrise, feel the warmth of your covers an extra moment longer, or find the centered place of peace through meditation. May your extra moments this morning give you the peace you need to weave in and out of the things you need to do today with ease.

You are a blessing to me everyday.

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AND REMEMBER

True peace with oneself and with the world around us can only be achieved through the development of mental peace. ~ H.H. Dalai Lama XIV (born 1935), Nobel Lectures, (1989)

ATC's

So I've recently begun this art form that I read about called ATC. For those not familiar with them it stands for Artist Trading Cards. I've decided to try my hand at this art form. These pictures represent my first attempts at them, and well not my best attempts ;) But I am getting better with time as you can see by the first picture. Take a gander and give me your thoughts :D

The first row in this picture is a set of the very firs trading cards I made. The VERY first one is the third from the left. My favorite in this row is the one with the most meaning. That would be card two. As you can see the red outline represents the heart, and the inside represents life. Especially life in that it boxes us up. the star in the middle is who we all are underneath it all. As for the rest, they are pretty simple ones really. The last one however does hold a special reference for me in that for many years I collected the Love Is comics from the papers. The very night I started this project, that particular "Love Is" was laying on the floor and so... it became a card ;)

The second row of cards (or that one card :) ) is my second attempt at these and as you can see a slightly better one at that ;)

The third row is the set of cards I made just tonight. I'm a little disappointed in the placement of the word today in the first image. It would have been beautiful otherwise. the symbol to the right of the phrase is the "magical" symbol for Love. It's done with card stock, paper application, pen and vellum quotes. my favorite of tonight would have been the first one but because of the slip up in placement, my favorite is the second one. The quote in particular is wonderful but too are the two butterflies representing the two seperate things and the flower, their one common love. I daresay these cards are the best by far and am hopeful my talents in this arena will get better. I would love to pass these out to folks who want them and thus pass out some of the love and care from my heart.

So if you're interested in getting one of these, you need only ask. Email me if you want information. In any event I'll post pics of the ones I do as I do them and you can feel free to critique them or give me ideas for them too ;)

It's been EXTREMELY nice to be creative again.

Oh and on a completely seperate note, you'll notice that my blog layout has changed. Do not be frightened ;) I went with blogger beta for the labels they allow you to make on each post. I welcome all opinions on the new layout :) I'm very pleased with it myself.

One thing I think that I will change permanently is that all Daily Inspirations will be housed on Digital Soup Online; The blog. The daily inspirations are wonderful but they take quite a bit of the page. What do you think?

Be well friends, strangers, and those dear to my heart. You are a blessing to me everyday :)

xo