Year End Review; VERY LONG post

From My Home to Yours

“There are times to cultivate and create, when you nurture your world and give birth to new ideas and ventures. There are times of flourishing and abundance, when life feels in full bloom, energized and expanding. And there are times of fruition, when things come to an end. They have reached their climax and must be harvested before they begin to fade. And finally of course, there are times that are cold, and cutting and empty, times when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream. Those rhythms in life are natural events. They weave into one another as day follows night, bringing, not messages of hope and fear, but messages of how things are.” ~Chogyam Trungpa

“May today mark the beginning of many new joys and accomplishments... and a continuation of all of the good things that you have already achieved.”

“Remember today, for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true.”

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Looking Back - The year in review

It's time for the year end review. I went back and re-read last years "Year End review" post and I see a lot of similarities in that writing to this writing. When I think back on this year, there were so many things I wanted to accomplish. So many of them I did NOT accomplish, but luckily, I was able to accomplish a few.

One of the first things I remember about my year end post last year was that I wanted to aspire to have a blog that centered on the real life of this "muse", but not so much the darkness. That is not an acknowledgement of it's existence but more a reflection on the light side that inevitably tags along with the dark side. I think short of a few times when darkness was just too overwheliming, I have provided a place where I can come back and reflect on my life with a small smile. I acknowledge and accept the darkness that carries me away with the tide, but embrace the light that always brings me back to the shore too.

Had I known when I was writing my year end review last year that in just 7 short months my life would be literally catapulted into a nightmare that I would never be able to fully comprehend, I might have tried harder to do the things I wanted to do daily. Things such as meditiation, spiritual grounding, and tending to my heart's wounds and loving myself more fully. Hindsight is great in retrospect though, isn't it? I have had cancer. I have survived cancer. I have a deeper understanding of the illness that plagues so many even terminally so and through the eyes of cancer, I have come to a deeper wisdom about the compassion we must share with people despite and maybe BECAUSE OF our own issues. I hope this lesson in particular that has been burned into my heart through Jessie and my own suffering continues to remind me that always my issues while they may FEEL paramount, are relatively large only because they are my own. There are many others out there suffering and some of those even do great things through their suffering. My attempt to accept, love, share and give hope is just a small attempt to heal people one at a time. It's like that map that shows you how much light is used around the world... Each of those lights represents a person and every person is shining their light, yet 3/4 of the world is still dark or very dim. We all have to do our part to do better at shining for someone else or with many others.

In the love department I am still lacking in so many ways. I try hard every day to remember that while the possibility of a life not shared with a partner exists for me, that even if this is the case, I have a partner in myself. It's a hard thing to remember and it's remembered kind of like when you have to take horrible tasting medicine. You have to FORCE the reminder down and even then sometimes it doesn't stick.

I have published four books this year. They were self published and they were small in the whole scheme of things, but *I* did it. My name is in print and the words on each of the pages is from my heart. I can think of no greater accomplishment than that of the written word for us as a whole, and for me as a person the words of my heart were seen. This makes me smile.

I have made a contribution that I feel is spectacular. After 4 years of growing my hair (mostly not cutting it due to funds and such), i finally got it cut. I remember when i resigned myself to having cancer that I promised if I had to have chemo and would lose my hair I would donate it to Locks of Love. While some may say this was admirable, the truly admirable thing to do was to promise that if I survived cancer I STILL would do this because someone out there needed it. Two days ago, I cut 10 inches off my hair and donated it to locks of Love. I was never more proud of myself then when I did that. My hair is much shorter than I planned on, but it doesn't matter. It was for the best cause I can think of. I promised I would do this, and when I didn't have to keep that promise, no one would have monitored it... I still did. And it felt GOOD. I've committed myself to letting my hair grow long again and then cutting it again so that my small contribution can continually be felt somewhere for someone very special.

These are a few of the things that stand out. There are so many others. There were some dark times, some light times, lots of tears, deep hugs, heartfelt love, genuine friendship, and even some wine ;) Overall looking back on this year, I can say i've been truly blessed. I've been blessed to have a few people read this blog and understand what I go through. I've been blessed by rekindling of friendship, new friendships and the gift of hope inspired upon me by so many. I've been able to open myself to the needs of others in small ways, and thus reacquire the vision that sometimes gets lost when you get mired down in life; the vision of hope. But there is so much more to be done. There are still so many who walk around lost in their hearts. There are entire countries who live in poverty and so much strife throughout the world still exists. I cannot take those away. I truly wish I could even if it meant death to bear all those burdens. because if I can do that for people, then others might see and do the same. But I can't. Sometimes I feel so helpless in it all, but... and this is important. I have HOPE, and that is paramount.

Because after all is said and done. After all the tears have been shed, all the dreams dashed, lies told, friendships lost, I've still come away in a win situation, because I have hope & because I have my dreams. In the movie The Never Ending Story, one person's dream saved the whole world. It created the hope that so many rested upon. So at the end of this year, I look back and am grateful for the hopes and dreams that so far, nothing has dashed into oblivion.

Hopes & Dreams, they are what my heart rests comfortably in now. They will carry me as well as you into a future where one by one we can change the world if you allow yourself to have the power to do so. Going forward, I will try to use that vision that gift given to me, and bestow it on others in a much bigger way. I am just one person, but my hope and my dream is so much bigger than just me. That is the lesson I've learned this year and it's a lesson I'll never forget.

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Going Forward - Aspirations for my future

Going forward, I have again as I did last year decided that I will "aspire" to reach certain goals. I do not make resolutions, I feel that they are more easily broken where as aspirations are pliable, moving with the ebb and flow of life and allowing you to still feel accomplishment with no guilt if not 100% completed.

So here's the partial list:

I aspire to continue to lose weight. To understand that my body bears the scars of my life both phsycially and emotionally. And that it is time to welcome my body back unto me with open arms.

I aspire to be a less emotional person particularly in game where people who can and are often jerks, alsways seem to make me cry when they do not care for others. On the same lines I will continue to accept people into my heart without letting them into my sanctuary so that I always have the place I know of safety where I can be grounded and full again so I can continue to give to others.

I aspire to get involved with some cancer charity or organization and make a contribution of whatever I can do, to help people who discover this disease taking permanent residence in their body, get through the time they have it and get back to living.

I aspire to read more.

I aspire to remember everyday especially when life has me down as it often does, that I am special just as much as I tell everyone else they are. That I was put on this world for a reason and while that reason escapes me many times, it is there and I need only look in the mirror to understand it's significance.

I aspire to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself I love myself and accept my body as it is, and as it will be while it's changing.

I aspire to read other people's blogs more and comment more. I cannot tell you how it feels to see comments on your words. And along these lines I aspire to let these people even total strangers know that they are a blessing to me everyday.

I aspire to find fulfillment not only in the things I want, but in the things I have already. To remember that while I can keep moving in the stream of life sometimes it's nice to just sit by the side and enjoy the fruits of my labor no matter how meager.

I aspire to be a better friend to those in my sanctuary. To be more attentive to their needs and helping to keep their souls aligned and grounded when they need it.

I aspire to love someone this year as a partner. To write more about the love I want, hope for and seek it in the right places without settling for less than I know to be what I need.

I aspire to put some of my demons to rest. To feed my soul so my heart can mend where it is torn.

I aspire to Light More Candles. I know they're small, I know most don't even see them, but I know that it makes my heart warm to do this. And in a cold world where trust, love and friendship is a commodity, they are all I have some days. And they are worth my time as are the people I offer them to.

and finally I aspire to be thankful everyday even in quiet prayer or just by saying a name in acknowledgement, for the people in my life who have made such a huge difference to me.

And in the words of the character known as Valerie in the movie V for Vendetta:

I hope that the world turns and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you or kiss you... I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

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And Remember:

A dream is the only real reality in life because it belongs to you. An imagination develops both the aspects of the dream and also gives you the motivation to make your dreams a reality. Remember to always give more than you take in life, and never stop dreaming.